Why do I take several steps back whenever someone treats me a little poorly?

Hello, question asker! It's like seeing you in person when I read your words.

Your description is so clear and concise, and it's clear from it that you have a good grasp on your situation and feelings in the relationship. It's great that you're looking to understand the reasons behind them.

Let's chat about what's going on, based on what you've told me.

You said, "Friends or boyfriends who may have been a bit mean to me will be indifferent and strange to me." I'm really sorry to hear that. I'd love to help if I can. To do that, I'd like to know a few more things.

1. When did the states you mentioned first show up?

2. I'd love to know what happened before these states appeared.

3. Have you been able to talk to your friends or boyfriend about how you're feeling?

4. I'd love to know how your friends reacted to those states!

5. I'd love to know how your boyfriend reacted to those states!

I just want to reassure you that it's totally normal to have these feelings in a relationship. It's only by experiencing these feelings that we can really understand how secure we are in the relationship.

You said, "This isn't what I really think, but the truth is that I'm neglecting them, perhaps over a trivial matter," and that you "will think too much of nothing," and that in the end, "it's all my fault." Let's look at the light hidden behind these expressions, my friend.

1. You think about relationships, which shows you care about the people you're with.

2. I really don't want the relationship to be affected, so I'd rather take a few steps back than easily let the people I care about get hurt.

3. It's so important to remember that you shouldn't blame yourself for any problems in the relationship. After all, you don't want your partner to feel burdened by it.

My dear, I totally get where you're coming from, but I just wanted to say that there's no reason we can't be different. The thing is, when you're in a healthy, happy relationship, you can take care of each other and you can also learn more about each other.

In the description, I don't know how long you've been with each other, but if you really care about the relationship, I think it's really important to try to let them understand your true thoughts and needs in the relationship. It's not that the other person can't take the initiative in the relationship, but sometimes, if they don't express it, they won't understand; if they express it, they can be more specific about the direction or method of "being good to you" in the relationship.

Okay, that's all for now. I'll leave you with a thought-provoking question: How do you want your friends to treat you? I'm really looking forward to hearing your answer!

I think we've covered a lot today, so let's stop here for now.

Take care of yourself, love yourself, and adjust yourself. You've got this!

Greetings, question asker.

I am unable to maintain healthy relationships with friends and romantic partners. I tend to avoid these individuals, which often results in conflict. Our interactions are characterized by a lack of intimacy, which leaves me feeling emotionally drained and exhausted.

The quality of our intimate relationships is shaped by our childhood experiences.

From the two dimensions of avoidance and anxiety, four types of attachment can be classified.

Those with a high avoidance score tend to lack confidence in their ability to establish intimacy with others. In the event of a separation, they are likely to externalize blame, attributing the problem to external factors rather than recognizing their own role in the dissolution of the relationship.

Those with high anxiety levels tend to lack self-belief and may question whether they will receive the love of their partner. They may seek reassurance through seeking proof of their partner's love.

Those with high avoidance and low anxiety are classified as having an avoidant attachment style.

An anxious attachment is characterised by high anxiety and low avoidance.

A mixed type, anxious-avoidant attachment is characterized by high avoidance and high anxiety.

A secure attachment is typified by low avoidance and low anxiety. This allows the individual to freely express their needs, to not worry about being abandoned, and to trust their partner. Furthermore, they are able to provide their partner with sufficient support.

It is also important to consider your own behaviour in close relationships. It is possible that you attribute the problem to yourself, but it is more likely that you actually long to connect with the other person. Being ignored may be a defence mechanism that you have developed in order to protect yourself from being hurt, and it may be that you would rather not establish a connection. It is possible that there is a part of you that is anxious and another part that avoids.

One may attempt to express one's needs, such as the aspects of the other person that are disagreeable, and communicate proactively about the changes one hopes to implement. This approach may facilitate the other person's understanding of one's needs, thereby enhancing the quality of the relationship. Simply ignoring the other person may not effectively convey one's expectations.

It is important to reduce one's own internal conflict. When individuals feel secure in a relationship, those with an anxious attachment style can also express their needs effectively and provide care for their partner. These patterns can be modified.

In the context of real-life interactions, the behaviors exhibited by another individual can trigger the activation of one's own attachment patterns, leading to a reversion to those patterns.

The initial step is to identify one's own behavioral patterns and to comprehend the underlying reasons for them.

This will facilitate the implementation of adjustments in the subsequent phase.

In selecting a partner, it is advisable to choose one with a secure attachment style. This will facilitate a sense of safety and facilitate more harmonious interactions.

Whether they are able to express their needs in a typical manner and whether they are particularly sensitive. With the passage of additional time together, it will become possible to discern their attachment patterns.

Best wishes for success!

Good day. I am listening.

It appears there may be a discrepancy between your stated beliefs and your actions, which has led to feelings of confusion and perplexity. You seem to be reluctant to fully embrace this aspect of your emotions. While a trivial matter may not warrant significant emotional investment, your actions indicate a desire to disengage from your friends and romantic partner.

The fear of being let down after offering one's heart.

It is possible that you have been enthusiastic and kind to them, yet you feel that there is a discrepancy between their actions and your expectations. This perceived disparity may lead you to perceive a difference in the love you give and receive, which in turn may cause you distress. Consequently, you may choose to distance yourself from the situation rather than addressing the issue.

This is a matter of significant consequence.

The fact that this matter can evoke distress indicates that it has caused a significant disturbance within the individual. The body does not acknowledge the notion that what is perceived as a trivial matter by the mind is, in fact, of consequence. Thoughts, ideas, and actions are all integral components of the individual's experience.

It is imperative to recognize that none of this is trivial. To ascertain the subsequent course of action, it is essential to accept one's thoughts and ideas without resistance.

It is imperative to recognize and acknowledge one's emotional state.

It seems plausible to suggest that the subject in question is not fully aware of their emotional state. The subject displays a tendency to suppress memories of past experiences of being ignored, yet these experiences are nevertheless retained in the body. In order to avoid future instances of being ignored, the body initiates a protective response that is beneficial to the subject. This response is an automatic one, designed to safeguard the subject from further distress.

The underlying principle can be elucidated through observation and subsequent discussion with family members. It is recommended to solicit their assistance, articulate the rationale behind one's actions, and simultaneously facilitate their comprehension of one's perspective. This approach can foster enhanced communication, reduced misunderstandings, and a greater capacity for mutual understanding, ultimately leading to a reduction in conflicts within the family and with friends.

The quality of life for many people has improved.

Hello, question asker!

I'm Tao Zhugong, your little mental caregiver! From the text, it's clear the questioner is feeling a bit down, so I'd love to give him a big hug and cheer him up!

Backing off is a great self-protection mechanism!

"As long as others are not nice to me, I will just withdraw." This may be because the questioner is afraid of being hurt, and one of the self-protection mechanisms they have chosen is to avoid being hurt even more through an indifferent or cold attitude. In fact, this is very common in life and is also an instinctive reaction. "Friends or boyfriends may treat me a little badly." From this, it can be seen that the questioner may lack a sense of security in interpersonal relationships, which leads to a more sensitive attitude and behavior towards others.

In fact, the text shows that the questioner has a strong protective mechanism, which is great! The fact that the questioner can recognize this shows that he is also very remarkable. While excessive withdrawal can sometimes be a problem, it's also true that we can miss out on some good relationships and opportunities. So, let's start from the following aspects:

1. Stay calm: This is our first reaction when we realize that we have neglected them. At this time, we can take a deep breath immediately to stay calm, and then think about how to respond.

2. Communicate honestly: When you calm down, it's time to communicate honestly with friends or boyfriends! Tell them your immediate feelings and thoughts, and explain the distress their behavior causes us. Communicate with them about the reasons behind their behavior.

3. Self-adjustment: You've got this! Everyone has their own emotions and ways of behaving, and that's totally normal. Try to cut down on your own imperfections, and at the same time be more tolerant and understanding of others.

4. Need help? Absolutely! If you feel that your emotional problems are more serious, you can also find a trusted friend to share your feelings with, ask for other people's opinions, or seek professional psychological counseling for reassurance.

In short, backing off is just a self-protection mechanism in our lives. And it's a great one! The most important thing is to learn to love yourself, believe in your own value, and not let other people's actions affect your own opinions. When you encounter problems, communicate more, express your thoughts honestly, and don't keep them to yourself. I'm sure the questioner will get out of the predicament soon. I am Tao Zhugong, your little mental caregiver, and I'm excited to help!

You seem indifferent and cold when dealing with bad behavior from friends or your boyfriend. This may be related to:

1. When someone treats you badly, you may feel disappointed, sad, or angry. These emotions may make you act indifferent.

2. Self-protection: We may use indifference to protect ourselves from harm.

3. Low self-esteem: You may blame yourself for the problem.

4. Emotion management issues: If you have trouble managing your emotions, it can be hard to handle negative feelings, which can lead to the wrong reactions.

Past experiences can affect how you react to your current relationship.

Here's what you can do:

1. Be aware of your feelings and thoughts.

2. Communicate: Tell your friends or boyfriends how you feel so they understand you better.

3. Be confident: Focus on your strengths to boost your self-worth.

4. Learn and practice some ways to manage your emotions.

5. Get help if the problem is serious.

Everyone is different. Learn to understand your emotions and behavior. Don't be too hard on yourself. See it as a chance to grow. If you'd like, we can talk more about ways to help you cope.

The situation you describe appears to involve a defense mechanism, potentially rooted in a past experience. When individuals feel hurt or disrespected, they may adopt a self-protective strategy, which may be unconscious. Potential causes and solutions are outlined below:

1. Past experiences may have resulted in feelings of betrayal or hurt, which have contributed to a heightened sensitivity and defensiveness in relationships. This history may precipitate a tendency to retreat immediately at the slightest perceived threat, in order to avoid further harm.

2. Sense of self-worth: Those with a low sense of self-worth may perceive the behavior of others as a personal affront to their self-worth. This may result in an overreaction when experiencing mild distress, as a lack of self-value may lead to doubt.

3. Over-sensitivity: The individual may exhibit heightened sensitivity to the actions and emotions of others, potentially reflecting a high level of emotional regulation ability. In instances where negative emotions are experienced, they may be rapidly amplified, leading to the perception that these emotions are a reflection of personal issues.

4. Negative Thinking Patterns: An individual may be trapped in a negative thinking pattern, such as overgeneralization, catastrophizing, or personalization. These patterns can cause an individual to perceive a singular event as a universal trend and to believe that all problems are a result of their own actions.

5. Communication difficulties: The individual may lack effective communication skills and be unaware of how to express their needs and feelings. This may result in the individual choosing silence or withdrawal when they feel disrespected.

In order to cope with these situations, the following strategies may be employed:

- Self-Reflection: It is recommended that you attempt to comprehend the underlying causes of this behavior. Additionally, it would be beneficial to investigate whether past experiences have shaped your behavioral patterns.

It is important to develop self-confidence by recognizing one's own value, achievements, and strengths. It is crucial to understand that the behavior of others should not be used as a measure of one's self-worth.

- Learn to communicate effectively. It is important to express feelings and needs in a healthy manner in order to build stronger relationships.

Should these patterns of behavior prove to be significantly detrimental to one's quality of life, it would be prudent to seek the counsel of a qualified mental health professional, such as a counselor or psychologist.

Mindfulness practice can enhance emotional regulation, enabling individuals to remain calm and objective in the face of stress.

- Set boundaries: It is important to learn to set healthy boundaries for oneself and to adhere to them. This can assist in the protection of oneself and in the reduction of the risk of being hurt.

It is important to note that modifying this type of behavioral pattern requires time and patience. Through consistent effort and self-improvement, individuals can learn to more effectively navigate the challenges in their relationships and reduce internal conflict.

Good morning, Thank you for your question. My name is ZQ, a heart exploration coach from the Yixinli platform. Generally speaking, we can detect when others are being unkind to us. Whether it is some changes in behavior or demeanor in our daily lives, or some small details, we can actually detect these in our daily lives.

It is unlikely that we will respond in kind when someone treats us badly. This is what is meant by complaining with virtue, which is almost the behavior of a saint. We are all ordinary people and are unlikely to behave in that way. Therefore, when someone treats you badly,

Your reaction is a form of defense and retreat. This approach is more effective and can prevent further harm. Some individuals may engage in behaviors that are detrimental to your interests and bottom line.

Such behavior is unacceptable, and your resistance and further defense are key behaviors that protect you from being hurt. This is not a mistake, but it just means that there may be some misunderstandings that you need to communicate. For example, if someone treats you badly, what is it about their behavior that is unacceptable?

It may be helpful to determine whether there has been a misunderstanding or if the other person is unaware of the appropriate behavior. These are important issues that require clarification.

It is important to communicate your expectations regarding certain behaviors of your friends and boyfriend in order to prevent a recurrence. Additionally, it is essential to articulate your needs in a clear and concise manner.

This allows your needs to be seen by the other person and some of your needs to be met. If someone treats you badly, you will take many steps back [in defense]. This defensiveness is very common and can be seen in many of us.

This kind of defense is also a very legitimate one. There is no need for excessive internal conflict, and you should avoid self-judgment in this regard.

As you may lack effective communication, it is important to clarify the matter and specify which behaviors you believe are ineffective.

It is sometimes the case that the other person is actually hurting themselves. It is therefore important to make these behaviors clear so that they do not continue to use the same way of speaking or certain practices to make you feel hurt and have to adopt a defensive posture. There is nothing wrong with being defensive.

The key question is to identify the trigger for this event. Once the trigger is identified, it will be possible to facilitate the evolution of your friendship or your love. Recommended reading: "Talking - Getting to the Heart of the Matter", "Safety", "The Day the Lion Went Vegetarian".

Please advise.

Hopefully, my answer will be helpful to you in some way.

When others are a bit mean to you, you'll probably become indifferent to them. You'll probably think a lot about it, and in the end, you'll blame yourself and start to blame and criticize yourself. You'll want to know the reason for this. This is indeed a good opportunity to explore yourself and a chance to grow.

My advice to you is this:

It can be helpful to try to understand yourself when you see this kind of behavior.

When others treat you badly, you start to show indifference and ignore them because you don't want to get hurt. So your indifference is a kind of protection for yourself. This may be related to our experiences when we were children. When we were babies, our needs may not have been met by our parents. So we began to have fewer expectations in relationships and instead treated them with an indifferent and cold attitude. But in fact, we long to be responded to and loved. So we will have a lot of associations. Is it because we are not good enough that we are treated this way?

This is what we call internal conflict and self-blame.

Maybe this kind of approach helped us when we were young, but now that we've grown up, it's not very helpful. It doesn't help us solve problems and it makes it harder to develop relationships. We need to upgrade our defense mechanism. We can try to express ourselves sincerely and consistently in the relationship, express our discomfort, express our needs and feelings, and hope that the other person can help us, so as to break this bad cycle.

2. The fact that they treat you badly is not because you are not good enough. Try to express your true feelings and needs. Expressing yourself is soothing and can also enhance your connection with the other person, making them understand you better.

There's no real connection between them being mean to you and you not being good enough. Sometimes they get angry with you because they haven't dealt with their own emotions well. Sometimes they deliberately attack you because you haven't met their needs (but you don't have to meet everyone's needs). Sometimes they have a lot of stress and problems themselves, and they'll act a bit badly towards you...

It's one thing for them to treat you badly, and it's another for you to not be good enough. We can distinguish between the two, rather than automatically linking them together. And when you feel uncomfortable in a relationship, you can try to express your true feelings and needs. I know this is difficult for you, because I used to be in the same situation as you. But after I found the courage to express myself honestly, I found that not only did I feel a lot more relaxed inside, but I was also able to clear up a lot of misunderstandings in the relationship. The other person will also understand and know you better as a result, and will know how to give you the care you want better.

You might also want to check out books like Nonviolent Communication, Crucial Conversations, and The Art of Communication to help you improve your communication skills.

3. Practice self-affirmation and self-care. When you blame yourself and have internal conflict, it makes you feel inferior and insecure in relationships. But when you affirm yourself and take care of yourself, you'll feel secure and strong.

After studying psychology, I've come to realize that self-blame and internal conflict are really useless. They make us feel inferior and plunge us into an emotional whirlpool without solving the problem. When we can change our attitude towards ourselves and become caring and affirming, everything will be different.

When people treat us badly, we can choose how to treat ourselves. We can care for ourselves with kindness and gentleness, and reassure ourselves. For example, you can say to yourself: Just because they treated me badly doesn't mean I'm not good enough. Maybe he's just having a bad day at work. His negative comments about me don't reflect the truth. They're just his opinion. I understand myself. I accept the real me. I'm very satisfied with myself...

I suggest you read "The Power of Self-Care," "Contemplation and Self-Care," and "The Miracle of Self-Affirmation" to help you learn how to care for yourself and enhance your sense of self-identity.

You can find more information here. Best regards,

Good morning, my name is Coach Yu, and I would be grateful for the opportunity to discuss this topic with you.

Perhaps we could begin by considering the importance of a sense of security. In Maslow's theory, this is defined as a feeling of confidence, safety, and freedom from fear and anxiety, as well as a sense of satisfaction with one's current and future needs.

Perhaps it would be helpful to reflect on our childhood experiences. Were our parents always available to us? Did we feel heard and supported when we asked our parents for something?

Have you ever felt neglected because you always did what your parents told you to do? All of this can have a significant impact on our sense of security. A lack of security can make us feel that we are bad, that the external environment is unsafe, that other people may be hostile towards us, and that we may be hurt.

As the questioner wrote, if a friend or boyfriend treats me badly, I may find it challenging to maintain a positive and engaged relationship with them.

If we reflect on our childhood, we may recall instances when we were learning to walk or use chopsticks. Were we often interrupted and stopped by our mothers' concerns about potential difficulties or negative outcomes? Over time, we may develop a tendency to judge ourselves when we are uncertain about our abilities, thinking, "I might not be able to do it well." This can gradually impact our sense of security and vulnerability as adults.

Often, we fret about our perceived inadequacies and shortcomings. We worry that we may not say the right things, that we may not do the right things, that we may be criticized and blamed by others, and even that our self-esteem may be damaged. If we don't communicate with others and don't do many things, we avoid the frustration of "I'm not good enough" and don't have to look at our "not good enough" selves. So, subconsciously, we choose to escape. Insufficient security also makes us more likely to be surprised by evaluations and more stressed when faced with even the slightest challenge in life.

As the questioner said, it may be just a trivial matter, but we may still think about it quite a bit and, in the end, we may find ourselves feeling a bit guilty.

Perhaps it would be helpful to remind ourselves that we have grown up, because ultimately, no one can give us a sense of security, only we can give it to ourselves. As the psychological master Adler said, past life experiences are not of much use to us, and what is decisive is the perception and meaning we give to the experience.

It may be helpful to try to evaluate ourselves objectively, noting our strengths and weaknesses, giving ourselves credit for our strengths, and accepting our shortcomings. It is also important to allow ourselves to express our needs, while also allowing ourselves the flexibility to consider backing down when necessary.

It might be helpful to try to be aware of our emotions. If you would be so kind as to calm down and think back to the last few times something went wrong, especially when you were anxious and nervous, what was the situation like? How did you feel?

It might be helpful to keep a record of your emotions to help us understand their origins and effects, and to help us clarify the causes of problems.

It may also be helpful to try to reconcile with our emotions. When we sense our inner anxiety, we could try taking a deep breath and asking ourselves: What am I worried about? Or what does this remind me of?

You might also try taking a deep breath and doing something else, such as listening to music, stretching, etc., to distract yourself. Meditation and mindfulness are also very good ways to relax. When we start to accept our emotions and let them flow, we may find it easier to manage our behavior without letting our emotions get the better of us.

Let's talk about loving yourself. I suspect that the phenomena mentioned by the original poster may already be affecting your daily life. It might be helpful to seek support because this matter has been bothering you, and it's understandable if you feel like you can't overcome it immediately. You might find it beneficial to talk to a family member or friend you trust and who has always given you positive support. If you feel it's necessary, you can also find a counselor, as it's important to acknowledge and accept the shadows in your heart before habitual negative thoughts can slowly disappear.

At the same time, it would be beneficial to try to empower ourselves. Any change starts from within. Perhaps we could try going out into nature, listening to the frogs croaking, smelling the birds chirping and the flowers blooming, and feeling the beauty of life, letting go of our worries. When our core is stable, we may find that we can face our friends, family, life and work with confidence.

I would like to suggest the book "Mindfulness, the present is a flower" as a recommended read.

The situation you describe, topic starter, is likely related to your emotional state and psychological reactions. When you feel that you are not being treated well by your friend or boyfriend, your self-protection mechanism is likely triggered, causing you to adopt an indifferent or detached attitude to protect yourself.

This reaction is likely a defense mechanism to avoid being hurt even more.

You also mentioned some self-blame and internal conflict. This is likely related to your sense of self-worth and self-perception.

You may feel self-blame when you feel that you have not done well or have had a negative impact on others. This self-blame will further intensify your internal conflict, making you feel even more exhausted and confused.

Here are some suggestions to help you cope better with this situation.

Know your emotions. Understand your emotional reactions and recognize that they may be driven by past experiences or internal fears. When you understand your emotions, you can manage them better.

Express yourself! When you feel mistreated, speak up. Let others know your needs. This will improve your relationship with them.

Build a positive self-image. Focus on your strengths and achievements to develop a positive self-image. This will help you to reduce feelings of self-doubt and increase your sense of self-worth.

Seek support. Share your feelings and confusion with close friends, family members, or a professional counselor. They can provide support, understanding, and advice to help you better cope with the situation.

You can learn to relax and self-regulate. Exercise, meditation, breathing exercises, and other techniques can help you relax and reduce feelings of internal depletion. At the same time, you can give yourself positive encouragement and rewards when appropriate.

You must remember that your feelings and needs are just as important. While working on improving your relationships with others, you must also pay attention to your own inner needs and sense of well-being.