17-year-old girl, and my mother says that all the values she tried to instill in me were worthless?

Dear questioner,

I'm Shi, a psychological counselor, and I totally get your frustration and anger.

From your brief description, it can be seen that the conversation between you and your mother is a bit out of sync. You feel aggrieved, and your mother seems to have imposed excessive expectations on you, making you feel that no matter how well you do, your mother will never be satisfied. But here's the good news! You can turn this around. You can start by recognizing that your mother is not a superwoman. She is a human being, just like you, with her own strengths and weaknesses. She has high expectations for you because she loves you and wants you to succeed. Next, acknowledge your mother's expectations. Let her know that you appreciate her support and that you're working hard to meet her expectations. Finally, take a deep breath and remember that you are a worry-free student and don't need your parents to worry too much. You have your own strengths and abilities, and you can use them to navigate any challenge that comes your way.

If you don't want to go swimming, your mother will say that you are ungrateful, that there is no point in raising you, and so on. But you are at the top of your class in a key middle school, and you will even buy your mother flowers with your own pocket money!

I feel like I have my own life! I'm thinking, is it really necessary for parents to raise their children as long as they are alive? Wouldn't they feel that they are missing out if they spend that money on themselves?

If your mother wants you to go swimming, it's because she wants to spend time with you! But if you don't want to go even during the summer vacation, there must be a reason. Your mother is feeling a little anxious and her emotions are running high. She feels that you don't understand things and don't appreciate her efforts to raise you. You both have your own grievances, but you can work through them together!

My child, you have your own life! It is true that parents have the awesome responsibility of raising their children to be healthy, learn well, and be ready to take on the world. I believe that is also the original intention of your mother. I think your mother wants you to go swimming to help you relieve stress from your heavy study pressure and to help you develop a healthy physique and strong immunity so that you can better develop yourself and have a broader life!

Your mother is an amazing person, but she's not the superwoman you saw in second grade. She's got her own physical discomforts and psychological low periods, just like the rest of us. She'll definitely remember you sending her flowers, and she knows you're a worry-free student who doesn't need her parents to worry too much.

Parents have the awesome job of raising their children so that they live long, healthy, and happy lives. If they feel that money is being spent unwisely, they can choose to be DINKs and get a pet! But if the pet gets sick, that's a bummer.

There's nothing more valuable than learning to see the reasons behind problems and to solve them in a better way. Reading is the perfect way to do this!

You are an excellent child, and your teacher has some great suggestions for you and your mother! Have a good discussion about why you need to learn to swim. You can also give reasons why you don't want to. And remember, it's not just about swimming. With a child as excellent as you, I'm sure your mother is willing to communicate with you!

The questioner replied, "The present is good!"

I can tell you're really upset about what your mother said.

I'll help you figure this out from both the mother's and the child's perspective.

1. From a mother's perspective: Mothers want their kids to have an edge in life, so they can live more independently. They want their kids to learn new skills and study hard. If their kids resist, it can be really tough on them.

When she's emotional, her words aren't always pleasant, and she doesn't always think before she speaks. Parents love their children, but if they don't learn to express themselves, especially in terms of language, they might hurt their children without realizing it.

If you're feeling emotional, it's important to remember that what you're feeling isn't personal.

2. From the child's perspective: I am also a child, and I will be very angry at my mother's "loose lips" as well. If I don't learn, I will argue back just like you. But what happens after you argue back?

Home is a place for love, not for right and wrong. Of course, your emotions are correct, and you try to follow your mother's arrangements as much as possible. You can express your feelings to your mother, and express them consistently, calming down first before speaking your mind.

Then, you can decide for yourself whether you need to learn to swim based on your actual situation and needs. In addition, you should understand yourself and know what kind of person you are, and not be easily influenced by your mother or others.

At the end of the day, other people have their own mouths and we can't control them. What we can do is be good at what we do and know who we are.

I just wanted to wish you the best in life!

Hello, question asker. I'm Evan.

From what the questioner has said, it seems like her mother always puts her down, denies her, and controls her. I think this is probably related to how her mother was brought up and her personality.

Did the questioner's mother teach her these concepts from an early age? Concepts like not being proud, listening to adults, and accepting that adults are right. There are even many traditional concepts instilled in the questioner.

My view is that this is more a result of the mother's upbringing. When children grow up, they are influenced by their family of origin and believe that parents have absolute authority at home.

Of course, there are different reasons why parents try to control their kids' behavior. Some are striving for perfection, while others are afraid that their children will repeat the mistakes they made when they were young. These behaviors may seem like protection to parents, but they often cause depression and harm to children.

I'll give you a pat on the shoulder and some encouragement here.

Often, parents' negative reactions to their kids aren't entirely malicious. They might just want their kids to rein it in. But if the author's values are completely denied, there's a risk of being biased towards controlling behavior. No matter what kind of parent you are, you're not always in control of your kids.

Since the question was asked on the platform, I'll also give the questioner some simple advice here:

Sometimes mothers may be strict with the questioner, but it's not necessarily controlling behavior. It doesn't mean she's a controlling personality or a negative parent. A controlling parent controls others in a specific way.

Some of these methods are pretty obvious, while others are more subtle. Control behavior can take many forms, from outright criticism to veiled threats.

If you see these signs in the mother, it's a good indication that she has a strong desire for control:

You're always being criticized for minor things, like your appearance, your attitude, or the choices you make.

Threatening to hurt you or themselves, for example, saying, "If you don't come home right now, I'll kill myself!"

Another way the mother might try to control you is by exploiting your guilt. For example, she might say, "I was in pain for 18 hours giving birth to you, and now you won't even stay with me for a few hours?"

They might also monitor you or not respect your privacy, such as going through your things in your room or reading your text messages when you're not around.

It's important to understand the mother's motives in treating the questioner.

Why does the mother of the questioner treat the questioner this way? Was she also treated this way when she was a child? Was the mother also taught this way by the elders in her family when she was a child?

The way she was taught to communicate with children was imprinted on her heart when she was a child in her family of origin. She would also bring this model into the family she formed.

This is how she thinks parents should treat their kids.

It's important to understand your mother's motives because it helps you to stay calm, deal with her more calmly, and remain more composed.

Avoid confrontation with your mother.

If her mother is acting inappropriately, don't confront her. If her mother makes her feel uncomfortable, she can express her feelings to her mother without affecting communication.

It's not productive to confront your mother in this situation. It will only make things worse and make it harder to find a solution.

Avoid arguing with your mother. When you feel emotional and hurt, don't fight back. Just turn around and leave. Try to leave when an argument gets intense and go stay with a friend or relative.

It's important to learn how to deal with your mother's behavior.

The questioner's mother is trying to control some of the questioner's behavior, but it's up to you to decide how to respond. Do you let your mother control your every word and action?

Or should you face it head on? To deal with your mother's controlling behavior, you need to learn to control your emotions and maintain a respectful attitude at all times. This doesn't mean you're not respectful to your mother, but it will help you deal with some of her controlling behavior more calmly.

Practice speaking to the mirror, maintaining a respectful attitude, and behaving appropriately in response to her controlling behavior. Practice responding to various scenarios based on the different responses that your mother may make.

This way, when the time comes, she'll be more relaxed and in control.

Take control of your own affairs.

The questioner still lives with his mother, so it's unlikely that he'll be able to shake off her control all at once. If he wants to deal with his mother's controlling behavior, he needs to take control of as many things as possible that don't matter to her.

For instance, when to eat, when to come back, when to study, and so on. Try to take control of some things yourself. The more the questioner masters, the more things you can intervene in, and you can make some decisions according to your wishes.

It's important to accept the situation as it is.

It's important to accept that the questioner can't change her mother's behavior or thoughts. While neither of them can control the other's feelings and thoughts, they can change how they interact with each other, which can influence the other person's attitude towards you.

Don't expect your mother to change her personality; it's up to her. It's tough to change someone's mind, especially when they don't think they're wrong and don't want to change. Only they can change.

It's important to stay strong in this situation.

Why does the mother want to control the questioner's behavior? Is it because the questioner isn't strong enough?

If the questioner is strong enough to do everything without her mother's help, will her mother's controlling behavior towards her friend become less intense? Sometimes kids have mixed feelings about their parents' dependence. They may hate their parents' control, but they also seek their support and depend on them. When this behavior crosses over to you, your pattern of getting along with your mother will also continue to change.

So, when you hit a snag, you can turn to friends or other family members for help.

If your mother is controlling, try spending less time with her, relying on her less, setting boundaries for yourself and her, and seeking help from trusted friends as much as possible. If she uses words to control you, just tell her how you feel at the time. You can say something like, "I feel like I don't have any rights as an independent individual."

"Or, "I feel like I haven't grown up yet. I'm not an adult, I'm still a child, and I don't have any rights."

It's important to set clear boundaries.

Set clear boundaries between friends and mother and stick to them. Respect each other's boundaries. Agree with your mother on your mutual private space and respect each other. If she doesn't respect this boundary, it will allow her controlling behavior to continue, and this setting will be meaningless.

Verbal skills can be useful when problems arise in your relationship with your mother. The questioner's friend could try saying, "I respect your boundaries, but sometimes my boundaries are not respected by you."

How can we make sure that both of our needs are met?

If you're still having trouble making progress with your mother, you can always seek help from a professional mental health practitioner. Have a good talk with your mother and try to get her to go to counseling with you. You can also talk to a trusted counselor, friend, or other relative to get some advice on how to improve your persuasiveness.

I hope my answer helps the questioner.

Hello,

Host:

My name is Zeng Chen, and I'm a heart coach. I've read your post, and I can tell you're feeling a bit sad and confused.

I also noticed that the poster has been open about their own feelings and has sought help on the platform, which will help them understand their mother better and themselves too. This will help them adjust some of their perceptions.

Next, I'll share some observations and thoughts from my perspective that might help the original poster gain a more diverse outlook.

1. Take some time to understand why your mother is the way she is.

In the post, the original poster said her mother said she'd never amount to anything and couldn't persevere with anything because she didn't want to learn to swim. The mother also said the things she tried to instill in her daughter were worthless and that she was ungrateful. The mother always wanted her daughter to be better than everyone else. After reading this, I'd like to ask the original poster to give herself a comforting hug.

When your mother says this, it hurts, doesn't it?

I'd also like to discuss with you why your mother is like this. From these messages, I can sense that my mother tends to see your shortcomings and hopes you'll heed her advice and live up to her expectations. When you don't, she tends to accuse us.

So, at first glance, it seems like she's acting this way because we're not meeting her expectations.

2. See if you can find out a bit more about your mother's upbringing.

Why do you think it's a good idea to find out more about our mothers' upbringing? It might help us to understand and appreciate them better.

As we said earlier, it's often because we're not meeting our mothers' expectations that they accuse us. But there might be a deeper reason.

As you said, my mom always wants me to be better than everyone else.

This is something that's worth thinking about. Why does she want us to be better than others? And this is often related to the mother's upbringing.

For instance, if a mother was taught that the weak will be bullied and won't get love, she might pass that along to her kids.

So, the poster can try to find out about her mother's upbringing, which might help her understand her mother better. Of course, understanding doesn't mean agreeing, but it can help you understand your mother better.

3. Gradually take on more responsibility for your own life.

I saw in the post that the poster said I feel like I have my own life, and I'm really happy for them to feel that way.

You've come to understand that you're you, and your mother is your mother. It's time to take responsibility for your own life issues, and your mother needs to take responsibility for hers.

And when we realize that we have our own lives

This is the start of becoming independent. Even though the original poster isn't an adult yet, they're already 17.

But we'll eventually grow up and take responsibility for our own lives. And being responsible for ourselves includes taking responsibility for our own needs and emotions.

It also means having an objective understanding of ourselves. As the poster mentioned in the post, your mother accused you of

The host has a realistic view of herself. She works hard, gets good grades, and is grateful. This is our own assessment of ourselves.

So why does my mother say that about us? It's actually related to the way our attention works, because we only notice certain things.

If we always focus on the flaws in others, we'll notice them more. I don't know if the original poster has experienced this: hating someone for a while and hating them for everything they do.

So when mom says that, it's not necessarily our problem, but it's a feature of how we pay attention.

4. Try to express your feelings.

Communication is still really important in parent-child relationships. And when we talk about communication, we need to mention the way we communicate.

In psychology, we suggest using "I-language" to communicate. What is I-language?

It's about communicating using language like "I feel..." This kind of communication can help others understand our feelings.

On the other hand, we're simply expressing our feelings without accusing, which can help reduce a lot of conflicts. Of course, if the original poster is interested in communication, you can also try the communication method in "Nonviolent Communication."

I hope this is helpful and inspiring for you.

Dear question owner, I extend my support and encouragement from a distance.

I empathize with your situation, as I experienced a similar predicament during my formative years. I recall feeling disgruntled, as though my academic achievements were not being duly acknowledged, and subsequently receiving a reprimand from my parents. It was only with the passage of time that I came to comprehend my parents' perspective and recognize the necessity of their role in fostering my success.

With regard to the parenting style, it is a legacy from the older generation. It is therefore inevitable that there will be thoughts of "hating iron that cannot become steel" or that the educational methods adopted are inappropriate. This is also related to the era in which the parents lived. There is no need to judge right and wrong in this context. Regardless of what the parents do, it is for adults to decide. One thing is certain: you were born to your parents and are their only child. As the topic author, you still need to follow the virtue of "respect for your elders." On this point, the topic author really does not need to worry. Parents love you because they are anxious from "deep and sincere love" and hope that their children will grow up quickly.

From the text, it is evident that the questioner's actions are commendable and reflect a sense of gratitude. Engaging in constructive dialogue with others to express one's thoughts and opinions, even in the face of disagreement, is a laudable quality. Communication, in essence, is a process of learning and self-growth, both of which are invaluable pursuits.

It is sufficient to be a good person. One can respond to one's parents' inquiries with one's actions and outcomes. This outcome speaks for itself.

It is hypothesized that if one's parents' demands cause fatigue or exceed the requirements of one's studies, an opportunity may be found to communicate with them in a positive manner and express one's true views and thoughts. However, should communication with one's parents be challenging, it is recommended that one prioritize self-care or utilize one's studies as a means of stress relief.

The path ahead is still lengthy. It is advisable to invest time in identifying an optimal learning methodology that aligns with your individual needs and preferences. It is important to note that the aforementioned options represent the questioner's personal selection, and the methodology in question is not the sole viable approach. It is crucial to recognize that learning can still be a challenging endeavor. It is, therefore, essential to adjust your mindset and refocus your attention on the learning process.

It is my sincere hope that my above answer will prove both helpful and inspiring to you.

My name is Peiwen, and I am a listener on the Yiyi Psychology platform. I extend my love and respect to the world and to all individuals within it.

It is perplexing to observe the lack of comprehension and support exhibited by your mother towards you. The absence of parental understanding and guidance can be a significant source of frustration.

From your experiences, I can discern a unique individual with a remarkable combination of attributes. You demonstrated an ability to gain admission to a highly competitive high school and have consistently performed at the top of your class. You exude gratitude, possess your own ideas, and have a strong sense of autonomy. At your age, these attributes are noteworthy and commendable. You have achieved a level of success and developed your own perspectives, which is a testament to your capabilities. I encourage you to recognize your own worth and celebrate your achievements.

It is my contention that your mother is fully cognizant of your intrinsic character and possesses elevated expectations of you. She aspires for you to excel in a multitude of endeavors.

Such a remark can cause significant distress.

The words of your mother are akin to a sharp sword, piercing your heart and rejecting you completely, making you feel worthless. It would be beneficial for you to embrace the innocence within yourself.

It is likely that your mother did not consult you or solicit your opinion before making the hurtful comment because you were not interested in learning to swim. This is an example of a situation in which a parent makes an unilateral expectation and then generalizes and rejects the child when the expectation is not met.

Your mother's objective is to cultivate your abilities, but that is a matter for her to decide. The choice of whether or not to comply with her instructions is yours.

One might attempt to convey one's thoughts on swimming, in their unedited form, to one's mother, and to express one's genuine feelings. One might also indicate that one has one's own plans and desires to allocate time to pursue them.

It is evident that your mother is invested in your growth and development, and that you are a discerning child with a keen understanding of your own life.

Your mother has a profound affection for you, yet her methods of expressing this tend to be less than satisfactory. Genuine love is not static; it evolves and adapts. It would be beneficial for you to engage in a dialogue with your mother regarding her expectations for you and the kind of individual she envisions you becoming.

Additionally, it is recommended that you engage in open and honest communication with your mother regarding your innermost thoughts and future plans. It is also advised that you identify common goals with her.

It is reasonable to assume that your mother will allow you to pursue your own interests in order to enhance your overall well-being.

It is my hope that the aforementioned information will prove beneficial.

Hello, dear questioner!

From what you've told me, it seems like your mom has a lot of expectations for you and wants you to learn a lot of skills. But you don't want to learn, which makes your mom feel disappointed and like you're worthless, which makes you feel sad, disappointed, and upset. I can totally understand how you feel, and I'm sending you a big, warm hug from afar.

It's important to remember that parents have high expectations for us because they want us to learn and grow. They may have unmet needs from childhood, and they want their children to have the same opportunities they didn't have. For example, a mother might want her child to learn to swim because she didn't get to do that herself. This is why parents often say they "expect the best" from their children.

Your mother's criticism has made you realize the significance of parents to their children. Parents want to give their children things because they want to be rewarded. All the love in the world, including parental love, is conditional. Parents may not have expressed their conditions, but they still have them. For example, your parents want you to learn a lot to repay them. They want their children to make a difference and be valuable. They also want their way of educating their children to move forward.

Your mom really wants to see you learn lots of valuable things and she also hopes to be rewarded.

And when faced with your mother's criticism and words that make you feel worthless, you have every right to stand up for yourself and say "no, thank you." It's so important to be independent, have an independent personality, learn to take responsibility for ourselves, and learn to respect and care for our parents, regardless of whether their love is conditional or not.

It's so important to express your feelings and needs when you're facing criticism or rejection. You can say something like, "I've been really tired from studying lately, so I think we can skip swimming lessons for now." If you express your feelings and needs in an indirect way, I think your mom will be more understanding and won't criticize or reject you as much. It's good to be aware of your emotions, see if they've been affected, and think about why you feel the way you do. Then, you can find a solution that works for everyone. No matter what, it's important to learn to become an independent person and to grow up.

I really hope my answer helps!

The questioner is 17 years old, a second-year high school student, and is thinking about the relationship between parents and children. This is indeed a very complicated and difficult issue. Many psychologists and sociologists study family relationships, and there are also many theoretical and methodological guidelines. However, when it comes to each family, they all have their own backgrounds and relationship structures, which require our specific consideration.

I'm not sure how the mother usually communicates with the questioner, especially regarding learning and extracurricular class arrangements. Is it always like the previous day? It seems like she often uses other people's children to negate the questioner's progress. I'm sure she doesn't mean to, but as long as the questioner expresses an idea contrary to hers, she will use "useless" and "ungrateful" to negate the questioner's idea. I'm sure she'd be happy to let the questioner arrange her time and learning plan according to her own plan if she knew how.

If this is how you like to raise your child, it might work well during primary school. Your child will be very well-behaved and will be able to meet your expectations and be a great student. However, when your child enters junior high or high school, they might start to form their own opinions and want to make their own decisions. This can sometimes make parents feel a bit challenged in their authority. You might think that your child is disobedient because they are going through their rebellious phase, and so you may try to influence them with moralistic manipulation or increase the pressure, hoping to continue to maintain a good relationship with your child.

If this isn't how things usually are, it's totally possible to give the questioner a little bit of freedom and listen to their ideas. But if they reacted strongly and unusually yesterday because of something that happened in swimming class, it's probably because the mother was in a bad mood at the time and had been upset about other things, and they just took the chance to let off steam.

I really feel for the questioner in both cases. It's so hard to change someone's mind, especially when it comes to something as personal as parenting. Her mother's educational philosophy has been shaped by her original family and decades of life experience. It's the way she believes is the best way to raise children. Unless she's ready to change, it's difficult for anyone to convince her otherwise.

I think there are two things the questioner can do, and I'm here to help!

On the one hand, she should chat with her mom about her life plan, study plan, and other interests. She should also ask her mom to understand that she's an independent second-year high school student with different needs and abilities. She should let her mom know that she's ready for more independence and wants her mom to remember her efforts and give her feedback. She should also let her mom know that she's more mature, emotionally stable, and wants more respect from her parents.

It's so important for her to progress together with her child.

On the other hand, it's important to remember that everyone has their own things to deal with. We can't control other people's opinions or let them control us.

If your mom suddenly gets upset with you about something else, you can remind her and yourself that it's important to take a moment to calm down before talking about your issue. It's not helpful to let your emotions get in the way of a productive conversation. Let's try to approach things with a positive attitude so we can find a solution that works for everyone.

It would also be helpful to know how the father and mother relate to each other, and whether their parenting styles are similar. When the mother and questioner have a disagreement, it would be interesting to hear how the father handles it.

We all know that the most important thing in a family is the relationship between a husband and wife. And it's so important that they can communicate well and resolve any conflicts. That's the foundation for a happy, healthy family! And then, of course, we have the parent-child relationship. It's so important for parents to be able to communicate well with their kids and resolve any conflicts. That's the foundation for a happy, healthy family!

So, if you can, ask your father for help. Ask him to do his part in the family, take back the problems that should be solved by him but have been shifted to you, and give your mother more emotional support. I truly believe that will make the family atmosphere and relationship better.

There are lots of great books and courses online that can help parents understand their teenagers better and communicate with them more effectively. But it's important to remember that as parents of teenagers, it's crucial to be able to reflect on ourselves, admit when we need help, and be open to learning and growing.

As the subject of an adolescent child, is it possible to try to understand these topics and then, in turn, influence parents in an acceptable way by recommending some courses to them?

I just wanted to share a few thoughts that I hope will be helpful for you. I'm sending them with love and hope they'll be useful for you!

Hello, question asker!

You were criticized by your mother for not learning to swim because you didn't want to, and you were told that you were ungrateful for not achieving anything. You must have felt sad, disappointed, and a little confused. But you know what? You're going to turn that frown upside down!

You got into a top high school and ranked at the top of your class! You even bought your mother flowers with your allowance, which shows that you are not a failure and that you know how to be grateful.

I have to give you a big thumbs up! Even when your mother criticizes and blames you, you still have your own opinions. You can even say, "I have my own life." This shows that you have a relatively well-established sense of self and will not easily change your understanding of yourself because of a few comments from others.

The person making these comments about you is your mother, which means she loves you and wants the best for you! You are still a high school student, not yet an adult, and not completely independent from your parents. At this time, our parents still have a relatively large influence on us, which is great because it means they care about us! Everyone wants to be recognized and accepted by their parents, so when your mother says things like this, it must be very upsetting for you.

You just don't want to learn to swim, so why does your mother criticize you as worthless? I think one reason is what you mentioned yourself: she has high expectations of you and wants you to be better than everyone else in every way.

It's also possible that she has some fears in her heart, afraid that if you fall behind others, you won't get better opportunities and have a better life.

Another thing is that parents of this generation have so much to learn when it comes to communicating with others in the right way. When they express their expectations, they always express them in a way that blames, thinking that they can motivate you with blame.

Once you understand that your mother is deficient in her understanding of the world and in her way of communicating, you'll be free!

As someone who is still learning to navigate the world on their own, how do you deal with this?

First, try communicating with your mother!

Once you realize that your mother's words are based on her own fears and a lack of communication, you can adjust your own approach. This is your chance to shine! Tell your mother that you have grown up, that you have your own judgment about many things, and that you know how to take charge of yourself, so she doesn't need to worry. Also tell her how you feel when she criticizes and rebukes you. This is your moment to stand up for yourself!

Your mother may have never encountered this kind of communication before, but after you communicate with her in this way, she will definitely learn to communicate in this way!

Second, always be true to yourself!

After all, parents are old and difficult to change. They usually have a belief that they have more life experience than you and may not always listen carefully to what their children say. At this time, you don't need to be sad or anxious. As you said yourself, you have your own life, and it's an amazing one!

Your parents can be a great source of inspiration and guidance, but remember, the final decision on how to live your life is still in your hands!

If your parents say something you find hard to accept, just remember that it's because they're still growing and changing, just like you are!

I'm Haru Aoki, and I love you all so much!