A 21-year-old male, gay, haunted by the regret of being broken up with, what to do?

It's sad to have regrets about your love life. You still have important things to do, like your postgraduate studies. You used to feel pressure to get into graduate school, and you tend to be a loner.

When the other person needs you or tries to please you, you get bored and want to leave. You broke up during an argument. Even repressed people feel lonely or isolated at times.

You feel lonely without someone to chat with. You are still young and need your partner to nurture you, but only once a week because you have your own personality.

If you'd told him not to cling to you or try too hard to please you, the relationship might have lasted longer. He's very empathetic and might have understood you better.

In the past, you tried to please your mentor, but you were depressed and kept to yourself. You still consider the pressure of being admitted to graduate school to be quite large. Some people will consider giving up on love to study. The other person is sad, and you regret it. The other person is practical, and if they lose you, there are more guys waiting for them to choose from.

You don't lose the sun just because you lose someone. You like him, but do you love him? Would you still want to break up because of something? The other person may have been sincere with you in the past, but that's in the past. The other person has a new life, and you have to continue with your studies. It's best to calm down and deal with your own love plan. Take the Love Background Psychological Test and talk to a suitable heart exploration coach.

ZQ?

I read your post and understood your relationship with your ex-boyfriend. He did things that made you feel good.

You're used to being alone and dislike how he treats you. So you broke up.

You're questioning your decision now that he's found a new love in less than a month. You anxiety-are-setting-in-how-to-adjust-9516.html" target="_blank">doubt his sincerity during your relationship. You're caught in anxiety, along with the academic pressure of applying for graduate school.

Girls in this situation often wonder how they could move on so quickly after a good relationship. Seeing him with someone new is painful.

You doubt yourself and your decisions because you still feel fond of him.

Your sadness and unhappiness are real. Accept your unhappiness and cry if you want to. There's nothing wrong with being unhappy. Emotions lead you to the direction of your heart.

You're good at school. You have a boyfriend who's found someone else. This person isn't right for you.

You experienced the two sexes' emotions. You felt happy and sad. Accept your anxiety. Is there a fear of an uncertain future behind this anxiety?

Are you worried about your studies or the future? Do you think your ex could help you if he were here?

Or are you worried you won't find a better boyfriend?

He may have been sincere with you, but he quickly found another love. It's not your fault. It's just a choice you made with him.

If you were still together, how would you feel?

If I were your best friend, I'd tell you to take care of yourself. Enjoy your meals and watch the sunrise and sunset every day.

When you're unhappy, find ways to cheer yourself up. Even if you're still unhappy, just be unhappy for now.

Time heals. You'll look back on today and be proud.

Let me give you a compliment!

Greetings!

As a mindfulness coach, I have come to understand that learning is the most valuable asset one can possess.

From your description, it is evident that you are experiencing a range of intense emotions, including anxiety, confusion, depression, pain, and a sense of helplessness.

The specifics of the difficulties experienced following the dissolution of the relationship are beyond the scope of this discussion. However, three key recommendations can be offered for consideration.

Firstly, it is recommended that an effort be made to gain a deeper understanding of one's own self and to provide oneself with a degree of solace.

Such an approach will result in a slight alleviation of distress, which will facilitate the formulation of a plan of action.

You stated that six months ago, you were in a satisfactory romantic relationship. However, at that time, you were experiencing significant pressure to pursue graduate school. Despite your positive feelings towards your partner, you ultimately terminated the relationship. The other individual also experienced distress and initiated a new relationship within a month. This led to feelings of sadness and a sense of abandonment, which prompted you to question your decision. This internal conflict and emotional distress may have been intensified by the fact that you had not yet fully moved on from the relationship. It is understandable that you would experience these feelings, given that the dissolution of a positive relationship can lead to feelings of regret. Additionally, the ongoing pressure from your academic pursuits may contribute to feelings of distress and anxiety. It is crucial to recognize that these emotions are normal and to find ways to comfort and reassure yourself. It may be helpful to view these negative emotions as a result of your internal conflict and to recognize that you are not alone in experiencing them. This understanding can provide you with the mental energy to engage in constructive thinking and to explore other sources of support.

Furthermore, allowing oneself to understand and accept one's own self is a necessary step in effecting change in the current situation. This may seem paradoxical, but it is, in fact, an accurate representation of the process of change, which is contingent upon the absence of resistance.

Secondly, it is recommended that you undertake a rational assessment of your own state of mind.

Rational thinking can assist in developing a more nuanced understanding of oneself and of reality.

In order to rationalize, one must undertake the following three steps:

First, it is important to recognize that the dissolution of the relationship is a reality that must be accepted, even if it is done so passively.

In your account, you indicated that the other individual has initiated a new relationship and that the prospect of a future together is unlikely. This necessitates an acceptance of the circumstances and a reframing of the past, which will prevent you from succumbing to self-doubt.

Furthermore, it provides insight into the understanding that there is no opportunity for a do-over in life. Rather than dwelling on past decisions, it is more beneficial to focus on the present and future, as these are within one's control.

Secondly, it is important to recognise that human nature is characterised by a tendency to seek benefits and avoid harm. When one makes the decision to end a relationship, it is typically the result of careful consideration.

In other words, it is not always possible to have the best of both worlds. However, when making a decision, the human brain will typically choose the option that is more beneficial to oneself. In this case, you also carefully considered your studies and love at that time, and you cared more about your studies, so your choice was not necessarily wrong. After considering this, you may feel less regret.

Thirdly, it is important to recognise that the status quo can be altered, given the capacity for change inherent in the individual.

Once subjective initiative is exerted, a corresponding change in state will occur.

A rational perspective may help to assuage some of the negative emotions experienced.

I reiterate my previous recommendation that you focus on your own well-being and consider how you might improve your situation.

A rational assessment of the situation may also facilitate the identification of an appropriate course of action. At this juncture, it is advisable to focus on self-care and to strive for the best possible outcome.

For instance, when experiencing feelings of regret or remorse, it can be beneficial to remind oneself that at the time, the decision was made with the best interests of one's studies in mind. It is important to recognize that human energy is limited and that it is not feasible to excel in all areas simultaneously. Once this perspective is embraced, it can lead to a sense of increased peace and tranquility.

Additionally, it is beneficial to remind oneself that the dissolution of the relationship is a reality and that it is possible to retain positive memories while moving forward with one's life, as the past cannot be altered. Repetition of this affirmation can facilitate a shift in perspective and a subsequent improvement in emotional state.

Additionally, one can inquire as to the most pressing matter at hand and then endeavor to address it to the best of one's abilities. This process of reflection allows for the prioritization of crucial tasks and the avoidance of mental fatigue. It is evident that your primary concern at this juncture is your academic pursuits. Consequently, it would be prudent to consider strategies for ensuring success in your postgraduate studies and then to implement them.

Additionally, one may engage in empty chair therapy or diary therapy when experiencing negative emotions to facilitate emotional expression. Once negative emotions emerge, there may be an opportunity for emotional healing, potentially leading to an improvement in mood. In essence, it is important to recognize that one can take action to enhance the current situation.

Once action is initiated, the various negative emotions will gradually dissipate, as action is often the most effective means of overcoming such emotions.

It is my hope that this response will prove beneficial to you. Should you wish to engage in further communication, you are invited to click on the "Find a Coach" link at the foot of this page, which will enable you to contact me directly.

Greetings, My name is Duo Duo.

It appears that you are currently experiencing a number of challenges.

You encountered difficulties in allocating your energy between your postgraduate studies and your relationship.

You were under considerable pressure to gain admission to graduate school, and you needed to devote more time and energy to your studies, which meant you had less time for your boyfriend.

At that time, I was under significant pressure to gain admission to graduate school. Despite my affection for him, I found it increasingly challenging to accept his mounting efforts to please me. I came to believe that I was capable of navigating life's challenges independently, leading me to terminate the relationship after a heated exchange.

During the period in which you were preparing to gain acceptance to graduate school, your boyfriend may have developed the perception that he was being ignored.

It is unclear whether the behavior exhibited by your boyfriend can be interpreted as an attempt to garner your attention and prevent you from ignoring him.

It is evident that you are uncertain about the appropriate course of action regarding your relationship with him.

You elected to terminate the relationship in order to concentrate on your postgraduate studies. However, you were unprepared to accept the consequences of your decision.

You have a strong emotional attachment to him and a need for his support, yet you have chosen to terminate the relationship, causing him emotional distress, when you require a partner to whom you can devote yourself fully to achieving your goals.

The question thus arises as to the origin of this behavioural pattern. It may be the case that this pattern of behaviour has its roots in a situation within the family of origin.

The mother is experiencing significant stressors in her life and lacks the capacity to provide adequate care for her child. To maintain distance between herself and her child, she resorts to adopting indifferent and verbally violent behaviors, which ultimately harm the child.

It is nearly impossible for a child to evade the influence of their biological family. As a parent, one is afforded considerable latitude in how they treat their children, even if such treatment is harmful.

It is evident that the nature of love is distinct from other forms of emotional attachment.

Despite the termination of the relationship, the impression given is that the individual in question still belongs to you.

This is evidently an issue that requires attention.

It is evident that there is an inability to accept his departure and the subsequent formation of a new romantic relationship.

Given his apparent happiness on a daily basis, it is plausible that he has already forgotten me. However, I am unable to move on from this situation due to my paranoia.

It would appear that expectations of him remain.

You previously indicated that he is highly empathetic and, in your estimation, should be able to fully comprehend your emotional state.

However, he elected to "ignore" the situation.

The subject reports a sense of neglect.

I have a number of questions regarding your background and circumstances.

The question thus arises as to whether the objective is to resume the relationship or to extricate oneself from this negative state and embark on a new beginning.

It is evident that reuniting would present significant challenges. It would be beneficial for you to work on this independently.

I am able to provide guidance on how to extricate oneself from this situation.

Please describe the method by which you obtain information about him.

If one wishes to extricate oneself from a state of stagnation, it is first necessary to cease receiving updates regarding the individual in question. Absence of knowledge regarding their new relationship will likely prevent one from experiencing distress as a result of it (avoidance of stimuli).

The act of continually reminiscing about the moment when a decision was made to terminate a relationship is referred to as "age regression" in the context of hypnosis theory. This process involves the constant recollection of specific details pertaining to the circumstances surrounding that decision, which can be beneficial for memory enhancement purposes.

One may adopt a novel perspective on one's memories in order to reconstruct one's view of the "choice made in the memory."

"He can empathize with me. He should be aware that I was experiencing significant pressure at the time and that he should refrain from imposing further pressure on me if he genuinely wishes for my success." As illustrated in my example, one can reinterpret their memories in a manner that is advantageous to them.

There is no distinction between memory and perception. It is not possible to ascertain the veracity of a memory.

If this memory has a negative effect on the individual, it is possible to choose to alter it.

It is my hope that the advice I have provided will prove useful to you.

I wish you the best of success.

Hello.

Host:

My name is Zeng Chen, and I am a heart exploration coach. After carefully reading the post, I can tell that the poster has been going through a rough time. I also see that the poster has courageously shared their struggles and actively sought help on this platform. This will undoubtedly help the poster gain a deeper understanding of themselves and adjust their mood.

Next, I will share my observations and thoughts from the post, which will help you view yourself from a more diverse perspective.

1. You long for love but reject it. Why?

From the post, I observed that the poster mentioned that I am repressed, introverted, and especially bad at expressing my feelings. I am very pleasing to my mentor, I am very good at suppressing myself, and I am very tired. I am especially wary in interpersonal relationships and I am the type to always be alone for a long time. So although I really like him, what I show is always not quite enough. At that time, I was under a lot of pressure to get into graduate school. I liked him a lot, but I began to have difficulty accepting that he was becoming more and more pleasing to me.

From reading this, I get the distinct impression that the poster is longing for love but unconsciously rejecting it. I've also been thinking about why I feel this way.

The original poster mentioned that they are repressed, withdrawn, and particularly wary in interpersonal relationships. We can and should explore why we are like this.

Our behavior is the external manifestation of our mental activity.

This is why we can also get to know ourselves better through our behavior. Many people suppress themselves and are particularly wary in interpersonal relationships. This is a kind of self-protection because they are afraid that being too close to others will cause harm or give them anxiety.

The host should also consider whether these descriptions apply to them.

This instinctive need can lead us to unconsciously push away those who come close to us, even finding reasons in the other person. For example, we may think the other person hates it.

The desire for love is a basic need for everyone, so there is a conflict. You can love and even desire love at a safe distance. When the distance is too close, you may refuse to love.

2. Love is real, and so is hurt.

The host is happy every day now, and it's clear he's moved on. I've fallen into paranoia, pursuing him constantly, questioning my initial decision and doubting his sincerity. I can feel his suffering, and I understand his anxiety.

But we can still find out whether our perception is reasonable. Here I will share my understanding. I believe that love is real, but so is hurt.

How do you understand this? In relationships, when we don't express our feelings, the other person often doesn't know or can't feel them.

They have to determine whether they are loved through our feedback. When we act cold and hateful,

The other person will interpret that I don't like him and that I hate him.

I've always given to him, but he treats me like this. Let's put ourselves in his shoes. If we did that and in the end we didn't get what we wanted, we'd be sad, right?

3. Focus on yourself.

Everyone goes through this process after a breakup. It is painful, but it can help us grow. The original poster should focus his energy on himself and use this relationship to achieve his own growth.

I believe you have also discovered that if you actively pursue it, you will not receive a positive response and it will likely intensify your sadness.

The original poster needs to give himself and the other person time and space to calm down and think about what part of the relationship he didn't do well in. Whatever choice you make, you have to do it. If you want to get back together, you have to resolve the problems in your relationship.

The end result is predictable. If we don't get back together, our growth may allow us to avoid being hurt again. The original poster should focus on themselves, learn, and grow.

4. Allow yourself to grieve.

Putting our energy back into ourselves doesn't mean we can't think. We are human, emotional people, not cold machines, so it's impossible not to think.

We must allow ourselves to think and grieve. We can negotiate with grief by setting a time to think.

Grieve for one hour. Set aside one hour for grief and thinking.

Then, when you think about it at other times, focus back on the present. This is the best way to help yourself.

I am confident that these will be of help and inspiration to you. You can also click on Find a Coach to communicate with someone one-on-one and work through this sadness and pain together.

Hello!

You had a good relationship, but you broke up because of your personality. Your ex has started a new relationship, which you can't accept. You're also feeling regretful.

Let's chat.

1. Your boyfriend is a good person who cares about details, can empathize, and will do things that will touch you. However, you are reserved and not good with words. You like him, but you always act indifferent. It is becoming more and more difficult for you to accept his attempts to please you. You feel that you are fine on your own, so you broke up with him. You hurt his feelings, and he was sad. He immediately found a new partner.

2. You still have strong feelings for him and miss him. Seeing him happy with someone else makes you sad. You're stressed about applying to graduate school. You regret hurting him and question your decision. Seeing him happy makes you resentful and doubt his sincerity. This has made you paranoid and anxious.

How do I adjust?

1. You can't change what's done. Your ex is happy with someone new. What can you do but regret and resent him? Why bother pestering him? You broke up. What does he do when you change your mind? Impulse is the devil. If you'd communicated and been honest, the ending would've been different.

2. You should feel sad and regretful, but also organize your feelings, adjust your mentality, wish him well, and stop bothering him. If you love him, you should hope he is happy.

You have to learn to make changes. No one wants to live a lonely life, and everyone wants a good relationship. Once you said he was just trying to please you, but this may just be because you are overly sensitive and inferior, feeling that you are not worthy of someone treating you so well. But this is normal in an intimate relationship. You are afraid that if you hold it in your hands, it will fall, and if you keep it in your mouth, it will melt.

3. Accept your good and bad sides, start over, and treat each other better in the next relationship. Learn to love yourself. Don't be too harsh on yourself. You just haven't found the one who understands you yet. Don't resist other people's love for you. Love should be open and aboveboard. Communicate well and don't make decisions for the other person without their permission.

4. If you love someone, you shouldn't be so cautious or self-conscious. Love means loving someone wholeheartedly. I hope you can find someone you love that way and be happy.

I hope my answer helps. I love you!

Hello!

If I may suggest, perhaps it would be helpful to give yourself a hug. I hope it will give you some warmth and strength!

I can appreciate your feelings of frustration and regret after being rejected and losing something you only came to value after losing it.

It seems that your description suggests that your attachment pattern may be ambivalent. This is related to the attachment relationship we have with our primary caregivers, such as our mothers, since early interpersonal experiences also affect the development of our adult interpersonal relationships.

People with ambivalent attachment may experience a longing for intimacy, yet also a fear of it. They may find it challenging to trust others. They may withdraw when a relationship becomes close, and may find it difficult to fully trust and rely on the other person. As the relationship develops, they may become increasingly nervous.

It is important to note that when such a relationship is lost, it can be very painful.

From your description, it seems that you may have been experiencing some emotional tension and anxiety, which could potentially be related to the pressure of your studies and graduate school applications.

You might find the following suggestions helpful:

It might be helpful to find ways to relieve your emotions and reduce or release stress.

It is important to find a healthy balance between stress and relaxation. Moderate stress can be beneficial, as it can promote positive energy and improve work and study efficiency. However, excessive stress can have a negative impact, for example, it can leave us in a state of tension and anxiety, affect the liveliness of our thinking, and lead to reduced efficiency.

It may be helpful to be aware of this part of yourself and to consider ways of channeling or releasing it. Adjusting your pace of life and your routine, increasing exercise and rest, and learning to relax could help you achieve a good balance and be better able to cope with life.

2. It may be helpful to understand the normal psychological mechanism and accept the negative emotions that come with being dumped.

It is natural to feel frustrated when we are broken up with. It is also normal to experience some negative emotions as a result. It is important to be able to accept this part of yourself and not think that you are worthless because of it.

It is often the case that what is easily obtained is not cherished, and what is lost is felt to be the best. This is a common psychological phenomenon. When encountering practical problems, it may be helpful to consider consciously overcoming this psychological mechanism, as it can be challenging to go back to the past after something has happened. Instead of dwelling on the past, it is beneficial to focus on taking steps to improve your current state, starting anew, facing the future with optimism, and striving to do better in the future.

For instance, this romantic experience may help you to understand your attachment patterns and your true inner needs. This could then enable you to express your feelings when you meet the right person in the future, and seize and cherish the opportunity.

3. Consider ways to reduce internal conflict and shift your focus.

It might be helpful to consider adjusting the focus of your life to prioritize your studies and graduate school applications. When it comes to matters of the heart, it's often said that fate plays a role. After all, it's a two-way street, and both individuals need to be in the right rhythm for things to work out. It's possible that the outcome may not always be within our control. In such cases, it might be beneficial to let go and focus on your own growth and development. With time, you may find that becoming a better version of yourself will naturally lead to meeting someone who is a good match for you.

Regarding the current pressure of applying for graduate school, it may be beneficial to consider adjusting your state of mind and responding in a positive manner. This could potentially distract you from the negative emotions caused by being broken up with, and it might also allow you to gain more confidence through realistic efforts to reduce stress.

You might consider consciously making a life plan that meets this goal, making a daily schedule, completing the set learning plan, and also arranging a certain amount of time for rest, fitness, and entertainment. Filling each day with activities could also be a helpful way to heal in the present.

I hope that Hongyu's reply will be helpful to you. Thank you for your question!

Hello, question asker. I can see you're confused. Hugs!

You're having an emotional crisis. I'll give you a hug.

You'll regret breaking up because you haven't accepted it.

Humans have two brains: emotional and rational.

Your mind says the boy you like has found someone else and you can't get back together.

Your emotional brain is still suspicious of your decision to break up because you were close to him.

In any relationship, fate decides if the two people end up together.

Often, you're not suited to each other.

Deal with your regret over the breakup before you can move on from the boy.

What should you do?

Write a formal letter to the boy.

You can also use the "empty chair technique."

The "empty chair technique" is to imagine the boy sitting in the other chair and tell him everything you want to say, including how sorry you are.

Once you say it out loud, you'll let go.

If you don't know how to use the "empty chair technique," see a counselor.

A consultant can give you useful advice without being critical.

I hope you can resolve your problem soon.

That's all I can think of.

I hope this helps. I'm the respondent, and I study hard every day.

Yixinli loves you! Best wishes!