A 28-year-old woman, her mother doesn't allow frequent dating but also prohibits mobile chatting. What should she do?

Dear Question Asker, You describe your relationship with your mother as "tethered to your mother's hip." This is a very vivid way of describing the dynamic between you. It seems that you are in control, yet she is controlling you. You are both dependent and helpless, and you can struggle, rebel, and lose your temper, but you cannot escape. Please let me know if I have misunderstood your situation. Best regards, [Name]

The relationship between parents and children should evolve in a way that is mutually beneficial. Parents should be a source of support when their children require it, and then gradually step back when their children are ready to become independent. When their children reach adulthood and still want to rely on their parents, parents should encourage them to become more independent, even if it causes emotional tension.

It is somewhat challenging for your parents to maintain a strong presence in your life at the age of 28. During this process, there is a tendency for them to resist letting go and to seek control in order to cope with their inner anxiety about separation. Additionally, they may require you to cater to their narcissistic needs.

You indicated at the conclusion of our discussion that you find the situation challenging and that you are reluctant to remain in your current living arrangement. This is an accurate assessment, and it is essential for you to muster the courage to take the first step. By taking the initiative to escape from the environment that you currently find yourself in, you can potentially alleviate some of the internal distress that is a result of continued control.

Then, identify a suitable psychological counselor to assist in addressing the guilt associated with legitimate rebellion. It is likely that there is a significant history of conflicting emotions towards one's parents.

As these emotions are expressed and processed, individuals can gradually become more authentic and resilient in facing future decisions and life challenges.

Best regards,

Have a great weekend. I'll give you a big hug.

The answer to this question is simple: you don't have to stay at home. You can move out.

You may think this solution is ridiculous, but it will solve the problems you mentioned in your question. If you move out, you can go on a date and you can also chat on the phone.

You likely have a number of reasons to refute this solution and explain why you can't move out, particularly if you say you care more about what your parents say.

If you care about your parents and don't want to be bothered by them, there is no solution. You care about what they say, so you are unwilling to confront or contradict them. At most, you will rebel verbally.

They have no incentive to change. You will always hear what they say. You don't want to be controlled by them, but you are willing to listen to what they say.

Your family has reached a wonderful balance.

In this balance system, you express your approval of your parents by being obedient and not too obedient, while they express their love or control by opposing you to achieve their own importance. This is a balance that makes both of you uncomfortable, but you are both trying to maintain it.

You have two options: let your parents shut up, or decide not to be influenced by them. Either way, you are the one who has to make the change.

Moving out is the best way to disrupt the system, even if it causes an earthquake in your family.

There have always been ways to do this, and you probably know them too. If you are willing to maintain this balance, you will benefit from it. Think about what you will lose if you really disobey. It is probably your gain.

The book "How Others Treat You Is What You Teach Them" states that many people and things that annoy us are things we have agreed to.

I am both Buddhist and depressed, an occasionally positive and motivated counselor, and I love the world.

Hello, I'm WeiZhiPeng from Yi Xinli. I can tell you with confidence that systemic psychotherapy is one of the four major schools of modern psychotherapy, along with psychoanalysis, cognitive behavioral therapy, and humanistic therapy. This school mainly does short-term counseling, usually about 10 sessions.

You haven't yet thought about what kind of life you want to lead in the future.

You say you feel controlled, it's hard, and you don't want to stay at home. What if one day your parents stopped pushing you to marry and let you live your own life?

You need to think about what kind of man you want to lead what kind of life.

Your mother knows better than you what kind of son-in-law you want. She will stop at nothing to push this matter through.

This doesn't mean she doesn't care about your future. She may think this way is better for you. Is her perception related to the fact that you haven't clearly expressed what you want?

Your mother can't guess your true thoughts. She just keeps presenting you with options until you make a choice. Then she'll think, "Oh, this is the person my daughter wants."

You haven't thought it through yet and haven't made your wishes clear to your parents.

Take some time to think about it. If you've thought it through, set a time to talk to your parents. Tell them what you want and ask them to give you some time to deal with it.

Let's try it. What do you think?

Dear questioner, I'm so excited to answer your question!

From your description, it seems like you've always had the chance to learn and grow under your parents' guidance. You have a boyfriend, but your parents are excited to introduce you to others and support you in finding the right person for you. This makes you feel loved and ready to take on the world! Hugs.

There are three main reasons why parents encourage their children to get married:

First, because of face. In modern conversations, when people meet each other, they will ask: Are you married?

Have you had children? Where does your child go to school?

But wait, all of this has already become the initial greeting and interaction of a first meeting! Some people ask, and in fact, the subtext of their hearts also ridicules you: Look at me or my child getting married and living well, and look at yourself in your thirties or forties, still not wanted by anyone. This is the human desire to compare oneself to others at work. In such an atmosphere, parents will feel embarrassed and outdone, and since other people's children have what their own children don't have, parents will rush to get their children married.

Second, because of their desire for control. Following the wishes of one's parents and marrying someone they choose is a way of thinking that comes from Chinese tradition, and it is also the decision-making power that parents have as parents. From birth, parents have a desire for control, thinking that they are doing what is best for their children under the banner of "I'm doing this for your own good." However, this is not malicious; it is just a natural instinct. This gives their children a sense of oppression and anxiety, which is something we can change! Children feel that being controlled is very difficult, but they don't have the strength to rebel. This is something we can help them with!

3. Children are not independent in their hearts, and that's okay! Parents love their children very much, and they want the best for them. Even when their children are grown, they still want to find someone to take care of their kids.

Advice: Learn to make your own decisions. You need to understand what kind of partner you really want, rather than just listening to your parents' opinions. Even if your parents keep an eye on you, they can't live your marriage life for you. You are the one living with your boyfriend, not your parents. If you are unhappy in your love life, your parents can't live it for you.

Your parents have opinions about your love life, and you get to decide whether or not to act on them! You are the one who has to live with the consequences of your choices, including the choice of partner, as well as your actions and the results. If your parents control you too much, you'll never be able to be independent and make judgments and decisions on your own. The main thing is to try to learn to be independent in your personality and spirit!

I really hope this helps the questioner!

Dear questioner, Thank you for your question.

I can relate to your situation, and I'm ready to discuss your topic with you.

1. I am being urged to get married.

My parents pushed for marriage, constantly picking fault with what I said. Their words affected me because I care more about what my parents say. We eventually broke up, which was very hard. Now I'm dating someone who treats me better than before, but he doesn't let me go on frequent dates. When we go out, he says I'm always going out and tells me to chat on the phone instead.

It is clear that many parents are more concerned about their children's marriages than their own children are. This is to the extent that they forget that their children will ultimately live their own lives and be fully responsible for them.

It is likely that parents do not consider the question of when it is appropriate to hold their children responsible for their own marriages. For example, your parents may not have considered this question.

Therefore, they will have a self-moving "for your own good," but completely forget that you are the protagonist of your marriage and life.

The main problem is not that parents don't consider this. The main problem is that we don't recognize marriage as a key factor that requires our own responsibility.

2. About parental control.

The part that says, "It just feels like my whole life is being controlled when I get married. I have to live the way my mother likes, and I have to marry someone she likes..." is ridiculous.

It's clear that your parents have overstepped their boundaries in influencing your choice of marriage without considering your needs and feelings. This has only served to intensify your feelings of oppression and pain.

This feeling is inevitable. When there is more control between loved ones, there is less love.

When there is less control, there is more love. These two things are inversely related.

Every relationship has a varying proportion of love and control.

You must respect your pain and see the sense of being controlled that is happening within you. Go deeper and become more aware of the story that is unfolding in your life right now.

Every relationship is a conspiracy. When your mother issued an invitation to control you, you chose to accept.

You feel controlled and you accept it without realizing it. This pattern of interaction is habitual. It seems natural, but it's not.

But you feel emotions and pain. Your feelings are clear: something is wrong, and you need to do something or go and see what's going on.

You came to the Q&A area of Yiyi Psychology to ask a question, didn't you?

You should be commended for taking this action. It will help you gradually move on from the controlling relationship with your mother.

We must recognize that control and being controlled are two-way streets. As the controlled, we have the power to choose not to dance this control duet with our mother. When we do, the pattern of controlling interactions will end.

3. I will now address the emotions and recent conflicts of the questioner.

You say, "Now when she picks on me about various things, I react strongly, get angry, and argue back. Afterwards I feel guilty all the time..."

Let's be clear: if normal people are criticized, they are likely to get angry. This is because normal people perceive the feeling of being criticized as a painful feeling of being hurt.

Your anger and rage are telling you that you need space from your mother. Being too close is painful for you.

Use conflict to create some psychological and physical distance. This is a natural stage that we humans must pass through on the path to mental maturity.

You needn't feel guilty. That feeling will only drag you back into a symbiotic relationship with your mother.

In a symbiotic relationship, it is crucial to be vigilant against symbiotic strangulation. This phenomenon makes us feel as if our lives are the property of our parents, rather than our own. It is natural to feel pain and anger in such a situation.

Let your conflict with your parents happen as it is. Distance yourself from your parents mentally and physically.

If you don't want to stay at home, leave. Live somewhere else for a while. Just let your parents know where you are, and make yourself free to live your own life and be happy. This is how we take responsibility for our own lives.

I am confident that the above answers will be helpful to you. The world and I love you.

Hello! I really hope my answer can help you in some way.

Having your own life, including making major choices, is an amazing opportunity! However, it can be challenging to change the way your parents live their lives. If they're not open to change, it can be tough for others to embrace new ideas. When we recognize that change isn't always easy, it's time to celebrate them for who they are! With this understanding, you can take charge of your own journey.

You can actually try to communicate and make your own choices, while also taking responsibility for the consequences. This is an amazing opportunity for you to understand that your own life is always lived by yourself. Parents are not you, and they may not be able to understand your real needs. Many of their actions and thoughts may simply satisfy their own needs, but they may seem to be for your own good. At this time, you get to distinguish and make your own choices!

So, here's my advice to you:

1. Accept that this is how your mother is. We cannot change other people, but we can change ourselves!

As the saying goes in "A Change of Heart": There are only three things in the world: your own affairs, other people's affairs, and the affairs of heaven. The reason we are troubled is because we do not control our own affairs, but worry about other people's affairs and the affairs of heaven. But there is a solution! We can take control of our own affairs and stop worrying about other people's affairs and the affairs of heaven.

What other people think and do is their business, and we can't control it. Mom is an independent individual, and what she thinks and feels is influenced by her genes, upbringing, education, living environment, etc. So, she is just the way she is, and it's great! If she doesn't want to change, there's nothing we can do to change her, and that's okay!

The good news is that we can change ourselves! We can try to accept her and express our needs and feelings to her.

When you really accept her, you'll be amazed at how calm you can be! You'll realize that her behavior is just a reflection of her true self. She may not be the way you idealize her, but she still loves you! She just loves you in a way that is different from what you expect.

2. Let's express our feelings and needs through non-violent communication!

Let's dive into the steps of non-violent communication! You've got this. First, state the objective facts. Then, express your feelings. Next, express your needs. Finally, request the other person to take action. You're doing great!

You can say to your mother, "Mum, today when you said that, because of it I felt... (state the objective facts, being careful not to accuse or judge), I felt bad, a bit aggrieved, and a bit angry (express your true feelings). I'm all grown up now, and I hope you can respect some of my decisions and let me make some of my own decisions (express your needs). In the future, can you stop communicating with me in this way and instead tell me what your needs are (ask the other person to take action)?

When you understand each other's needs and feelings in this way, something amazing happens. Your emotional bond becomes even deeper, and you understand and know each other better than ever!

3. Learn to separate issues

To handle interpersonal relationships, including those with parents and partners, we have the amazing opportunity to learn to separate issues. That is, we get to distinguish between our own issues and those of others! We also get to take responsibility for our own life issues and not impose other people's issues on ourselves.

So, how do you tell the difference?

It's simple! Whoever bears the direct consequences of an action is responsible for it.

For example, if a mother allows her child to wear short sleeves indoors in winter, she gets to experience the full range of consequences: her mother-in-law's displeasure and nagging, the possibility of the child catching a cold, and of course the child learning to perceive warmth and cold on their own and exercising their independence.

From another perspective, nothing is perfect, but we always have the opportunity to make our own decisions. Once we have made a decision, we have the chance to bear all the consequences.

And the nagging of the mother-in-law is her own business. The mother of the child does not have to shoulder the responsibility alone. The mother-in-law may nag not only because of this matter, but also because of other things, and she will nag not only the daughter-in-law, but also other people. As daughter-in-laws, we have no control over any of this, so we don't need to dwell on it, because it is the mother-in-law's problem. And that's a good thing!

So, it's time to think about which responsibilities you want to take on and which you'd rather leave to someone else. In my opinion, a mother will always want to play a part in your life. It's her business, and she has the right to ask you for it. But you can choose to listen or not. It's totally up to you! And you'll have to live with the consequences either way. If you choose not to listen, you'll have to face your mother's reaction. This is especially true for marriage. You can choose to listen to your mother's advice and marry someone, but you can also choose not to listen to your mother's advice and marry someone else. Either way, you'll be making your own choice and facing the consequences. But remember, you're the one who's going to get married and live with someone else in the future. So, make your choice and embrace the adventure!

You've got this! The final decision is in your own hands. All you need to do is clarify what is your topic and what is someone else's topic. Take responsibility for your own topic, and at the same time, don't impose someone else's topic on yourself. It will be much easier!

I'm so excited to share this with you! I really hope it helps. Wishing you all the best!

First: It's clear from your description that you want to make your own choices. Your mother may not believe you can make good choices on your own, but you can! You're already 28 years old, so you're ready to take the reins. It's time to listen to your own thoughts and ignore the fact that your mother makes you do things without thinking. You're an adult now, and you can decide what's best for you. If you don't do what she says, you'll be rejected. That's okay! It's your chance to show her that you can be happy on your own.

Second: Your mother may not realize that you need to be in charge of your own life. But you can! You just need to gain experience. Your mother still protects you with the idea that she is protecting you, but you are already able to be independent.

Third: There is a lot of conflict in there. Your mother thinks it's good, but you may not feel or like it that much. What you like, your mother may not think is good enough. You will actually notice these parts. In the future, you and your partner will still need to work things out together, and this autonomy is of course in your own hands.

Fourth: It is actually not easy to get away from your mother's control. But you can do it! Because of excessive rejection of your mother's help, your mother may interpret your actions as disobedience, disrespect, and lack of filial piety. I suggest that you express what you want to say to your mother in a calm manner. Of course, it will be easier for her to understand if you express your emotions. However, it is actually not very easy to do this. Since you said that you react strongly and feel guilty after arguing angrily, your mother may interpret your actions as disobedience, disrespect, and lack of filial piety. But you can change this!

I think you'll find that communicating in a relatively calm tone of voice will have a slightly better effect.

Hello, young lady. I can see that you're feeling a bit confused right now. Please accept my hugs!

I can see that you are experiencing some family problems. Please accept my warmest regards.

I feel that my mother could have made a stronger effort to separate herself from the topic.

So, young lady, I'm wondering what your plan is now.

At the age of 28, you are still living at home.

I'm not sure if you currently have a job.

If there is, you might consider striving for your own financial independence as soon as possible, which could allow you to live independently of your mother.

Perhaps you could also try to find something for your mother to do.

As an example, there are some part-time jobs that can be done from home, such as sewing or knitting sweaters, which might be worth considering.

Perhaps then, when your mother has something to occupy her attention, she will be less inclined to focus on you.

If you're still feeling uncertain, it might be helpful to speak with a professional counselor.

A counselor may be able to offer a third-party perspective, a non-judgmental outlook, and an objective attitude, which could provide more pertinent, useful, and constructive advice.

I truly hope that you can find a solution to the problem you are facing soon.

I hope I have provided you with some helpful insights. I am unsure if there is anything else I can say to assist you further.

I hope my above answer is helpful and inspiring to you, the girl. I am the respondent, and I study hard every day.

Here at Yixinli, we extend our warmest regards to you and wish you the best.

Thank you for your trust. I hope my reply helps.

I'm old enough to get married, but I haven't yet. I think my mom is just looking for attention, which makes you uncomfortable. You want to respect your parents, but also be yourself.

You can seek help on a professional platform if you want to, Hui Hui.

Parents need their children, but this causes the children great suffering.

Often, it's not the child who can't live without the parents, but the parents who can't live without the child. Parents can't control themselves, and their lack of inner security hurts their children.

Be a better version of yourself and reconcile with your parents.

I'm sure you're torn inside. Your parents have been so good to me, and you're not sure whether you should obey her and accept her good intentions. It's really not been easy over the years.

We want to be better versions of ourselves and happy. Let's talk to Mom.

I am in charge of my own life. I am grateful for my mother's love. Everyone can choose their own happiness. Please support and respect me. If I don't understand something, I will ask you for advice. From now on, I will be myself and take control of my own happiness.

❤️Don't let others control you.

You can't grow up under a big tree. Step away from negativity, judgments, and control. Maintain your boundaries and decide for yourself.

In the future, you will face challenges alone.

Life is about learning from experience. Find someone you can talk to about your inner thoughts. Learn to love yourself. Pay attention to your feelings.

When you love yourself, you can help others.

Be brave. Be yourself. Be true to yourself.

Hello there!

I'm a mindfulness coach, and I believe that learning is the treasure of the body.

From what you've told me, I can really feel how distressed, disappointed, and upset you are. I can also sense your pain and sense of being overwhelmed.

I don't want to get into the nitty-gritty of your issues with your mom meddling in your love life. But I'd love to share three tips that might help:

First, I suggest you try to understand yourself and give yourself a little comfort.

Because doing so will make your heart feel a little bit lighter, which will help you think about what to do next.

You say that you are 28 years old, a girl, and your parents are pressuring you to get married. The boyfriends you have dated in the past always found fault with you, and you cared about what they said, so you broke up with them. Now you are dating someone, and you feel good about it, but your mother doesn't let you go on dates very often, and she doesn't let you use your phone to chat. This makes you feel very sad. Your mother demands that you live the way she likes, and that you marry someone she likes. You feel like your life is being controlled. Now you are angry, and you argue with your mother, but afterwards you feel guilty. You are not alone in this situation. Many people feel this way, because no one wants to be controlled by their parents (everyone longs for freedom and independence). You are also not alone in feeling guilty for arguing with your mother. Many people feel this way, because they think it wasn't easy for their parents to raise them, and they shouldn't disobey them, plus they were brought up to listen to their parents. You can try to understand yourself, comfort yourself, and "see" that unhappy, difficult self inside you who doesn't know what to do. This will give you extra mental energy to think about other things, otherwise your mind will be filled with all kinds of negative emotions.

It's so important to give yourself the space to understand and accept yourself. This will help you to embrace change in your current situation. I know it might sound a little strange, but it's true! Change is all about allowing for it to happen.

Secondly, I'd like to suggest that you take a moment to view your own state in a rational way.

Because when you think things through, you can really get to know yourself and the world around you better.

I know it can be tough, but I'm here to help! To rationalize, you just need to do two simple things:

First, remember that your marriage is your own, and your standards for choosing a spouse are the most important.

It's clear you care a lot about what your parents say, and that's great! But remember, you have your own ideas too. Falling in love is your own business. You need to decide what's right for you when it comes to choosing a spouse. After all, you'll be living with this boy in the future, not your mother.

Secondly, it's important to understand that parental love for children ultimately means "separation."

Of course, this doesn't mean you have to cut off all ties with your parents. It just means you need to live your own life independently. You should have your own opinions, and it's okay if they're different from your parents'. After all, you're from different generations, and it's normal to have different ideas and attitudes towards people and things.

Once you understand this, you may be able to accept your feelings of dissatisfaction with your parents, especially your mother. This can help you to feel less guilty about arguing with them.

However, this doesn't mean you shouldn't think about their attitudes and thoughts. It just means you need to understand that your own thoughts and feelings are more important. After all, it's your own life, and you need to take responsibility for it yourself.

I really think that when you look at it rationally like this, the various negative emotions in your heart may be resolved somewhat.

I really want you to focus on yourself for a moment and think about what you can do to make yourself feel better.

When you take a step back and think about things rationally, you might even find some solutions. At this point, it's time to focus on yourself and do your best. You've got this!

For example, you can ask yourself which guy better meets your criteria for a partner: the one you are dating now or the one your mother likes better. It's totally up to you! You have to decide which one you like better.

Once you've made your choice, it's time for a good chat with your guy. You can't be "keeping both feet in the boat" because that's not a good approach and it won't help you to be trusted. Think about it, if the two guys know you're dating them both, they're probably going to stop talking to you. So, you should definitely choose your current boyfriend over the one your mum likes! Have a good chat with the guy you like and see what he thinks.

It's also a good idea to have a chat with your mum. You say she always gets in the way, so it'd be great if you could tell her how you really feel. It's possible you're worried she'll be upset and you'll feel guilty. If so, why not give it a try? Here's how: first, try to think from her perspective and try to understand her. This will help her "hear" what you're saying (her starting point is good, she wants you to marry well and live a better life). Second, it's best to start with "I" and talk more about your feelings, and not or less use "you" at the beginning, because the latter will make her feel rejected and accused, which is not conducive to communication between you (you need to tell her which boy you prefer in your heart, and also tell her about the difficulty, grievance and guilt you feel when you are controlled, because she may not realize that her actions have hurt you). When you communicate with her in this honest way, she is very likely to change, and your mood will also be better.

It's also a good idea to give them, especially your mom, some space. Their desire for control won't disappear overnight. During this time, you can work on communicating in a way that's firm but not hostile. This means you're refusing her requests and doing your own thing, but you're still kind and respectful. Practice this a few times, and she might start to see that her approach isn't working and change it.

It's also important to remember that they won't change. Even parents who want to be in control will feel better when you accept that they won't change. This is because, without expectations, there's no harm done. Instead, focus on yourself, fall in love, work hard, and live your life to the fullest! Take responsibility for your own life. When you can take care of your own life, their desire for control will gradually weaken. Their strong desire for control is just a worry that you won't be able to take care of yourself.

I know it can be tough, but when you start taking action, the various negative emotions in your heart will naturally start to resolve themselves. Believe me, action is sometimes the best medicine!

I really hope my answer helps you! If you'd like to chat some more, just click on "Find a Coach" at the bottom and we can have a one-on-one conversation.

Hello! I'll give you a hug.

You feel resentment and anger when your parents don't understand, respect, or support you.

You have the right to choose who you love and marry. Your parents should support you, understand you, and respect your choices. You know who is right for you better than anyone.

Parents are always dissatisfied with your choices and want you to accept their choices because they have been used to making choices and decisions for you since you were a child. You have mostly chosen to accept this, which makes them think that their behavior is right. You have never shown resistance to your parents' controlling behavior because it satisfies your psychological needs. It also satisfies your parents' psychological need to be needed.

When you understand that your parents interfere with your marriage because they care about you, you will be more accepting of their interference.

You will tell your parents how they interfere and control you. You will also tell them how you want to be treated to feel loved and supported. You will say that your parents love you and want you to be happy.

You want to be happy in the future. You want your parents to respect your choices. Speak gently when you express these things. Then your parents will respect you back.

I'm Lily, the listener from the Q&A. I love you.

I'm here to support you and offer encouragement. I truly believe that things will improve and change for the better.

I'm Jia Jia.

First of all, you need to understand that your mother's control actually stems from her love for you. However, it has gone too far and become abnormal. Perhaps since you were little, your mother has always treated you this way, taking meticulous care of you in all aspects of your life. This may be suffocating for you now that you're an adult.

Now that you're all grown up, you're gradually developing your own views and opinions. When it comes to finding a partner, you really shouldn't settle for someone just because someone else says they're good. Also, I don't think it's a good idea for your mother to insist on setting up blind dates for you while you're still in a relationship.

Secondly, you should stick to your own ideas and gradually gain independence and maturity with skill. I'm not sure about your exact age and whether you are working or studying, but you could try living or studying independently away from home, where you have your own space and accommodation. This would help ease the current situation. Of course, she will definitely not agree.

It takes wisdom and skill to resolve conflicts or break the status quo.

Third, you need to gain a deeper understanding of yourself, of the kind of person you like, and of what kind of life you want for the future. You need to stick to your own views and opinions. Whether it's studying, work, or love, you need to gain a deeper understanding of yourself to know what you want and what you lack. This will help you develop your own opinions and gain independence of character.

In that case, your words and actions will show that you're confident and independent, and that you and your partner are on your own path.

I wish you the best and hope you keep improving. Personal public account: Pretentious Youth (ID: qingnianJIA2020), looking forward to staying in touch.

Yixinli You can find more answers to your questions on the Answering Questions Hall Mutual Aid Community, the World, and I Love You. Here's the link: https://m.xinli001.com/qa