A single daughter, somewhat pampered, how do I deal with the feeling of being a "for your own good" type of person?

Hello, question asker! I can see the confusion you are facing right now, but I'm here to help! Hugs to you!

You're going to love this! You're experiencing some family issues, but you're going to get through them. Let me give you a warm hug again.

I think I've got it! Your current problems may be related to your family of origin.

It may be that from an early age, or during your development, your parents were used to taking care of everything for you, giving you reasons to do so for your own good.

And so, when you grow up, you think that "for your own good" is the right way to get along with people!

And then there's your avoidant attachment, which also needs to be dealt with.

This is related to your mother-child relationship, which is something we can definitely work on together!

Maybe when you cried every time as a baby, your mom was so busy doing her own thing that she didn't realize you needed her.

So when you grow up, you develop an avoidant attachment.

The good news is that you can work on both your "for your own good" mode of getting along and your avoidant attachment.

So, questioner, what should you do now?

I highly recommend that you seek help from a professional counselor!

I'm excited to tell you that I'm more inclined to seek help from a professional psychological counselor than an instant listener since your current problem falls under the category of the original family!

I'm sure the problem you're facing now will be solved effectively soon!

I'm out of ideas!

I really hope my answer is helpful and inspiring to you! I'm the respondent, and I study hard every day.

Here at Yixinli, we love you and the world loves you too! Wishing you all the best!

Lin Yang answers:

1. [Need] It's totally understandable to feel like you're the "for your own good type." But what is really good for you?

1. [Need] It's totally understandable to feel like you're the "for your own good type." But what is really good for you?

It's so important to pay attention to what the other person needs, to help them as much as you can when they need you most, and to make sure you don't burn yourself out.

2. [Giving] If you want to have close friends, then first learn to give. It's a two-way street, after all! You can only receive what you give.

It's only when we're treated the same way and experience what others experience that we can truly understand the hurt they've suffered.

3. [Possessiveness] In this world, our relatives, friends, lovers, houses, cars, and money, and even our bodies, none of this belongs to us. One day, all of this will be gone from us.

So let go of your possessiveness, my friend, and you will find happiness.

4. [Action] You want to learn to love her, and love needs to be expressed through material things or specific actions. For example, you can learn about her food preferences and cater to them, etc.

4. [Action] You want to learn to love her, and love needs to be expressed through material things or specific actions. For example, you can find out her food preferences and cater to them, etc.

It's totally normal to feel like you're not doing enough for her and that you might lose her. It just means that you haven't found your inner strength yet. You'll get there! And if she leaves you for someone better, you'll be stronger for having been there.

First and foremost, it is imperative to comprehend the nuances of what constitutes normalcy in an intimate relationship. To illustrate, while the average individual may find the experience of being bitten by mosquitoes and leeches to be highly disagreeable, for those engaged in agricultural pursuits, such occurrences are a common reality. It is essential to recognize that intimate relationships are inherently distinctive, given the inherent differences in personality and upbringing that exist between individuals. Consequently, there is a need for adaptation and accommodation to ensure compatibility and understanding. Unless both parties are committed to fostering a unified identity and embracing a unified perspective, differences are likely to give rise to arguments and disagreements. However, the fundamental objective of falling in love or getting married is to mitigate internal conflict. Therefore, it is crucial to cultivate a mutual understanding and acceptance to achieve a harmonious and fulfilling relationship.

On this basis, an analysis of your girlfriend's and your own original family and subconscious is warranted. According to your description, both parents are not particularly considerate of their children's real needs, but always deny them. This is likely to cause a low sense of existence or a borderline personality. It is not a superficial low sense of existence; rather, it is a deep-seated feeling of being undervalued. This kind of situation is more troublesome, but if you are often aware of this problem, or treat your partner as an ordinary friend, it may be much better (although this is not an easy task; it requires effort). You maintain an appropriate distance and accompany each other. You may be able to see more clearly the relationship between your mutual commitment because of the safe distance. It is akin to a stranger suddenly giving you something; you will obviously be grateful, but you will not feel the same with someone who is too close. In this way, you may be able to feel more grateful because no one is obliged to be good to others. If you feel the difficulties of others, your heart will become softer, and you will not be so heartless as to hurt those who are good to you.

Hello, question asker. From what you've said, I can tell you're feeling pretty down, insecure, helpless, and confused.

I was an only child, so I was spoiled at home.

It's tough for you to form close connections with others. You feel like you can't really care about other people's feelings and emotions, and you're pretty self-centered, like a parent who thinks, "I'm doing what's best for you."

You also think you have an avoidant personality and you tend to avoid and shirk responsibilities when things happen. You don't want the other person to feel aggrieved, sad, or tired because of you.

I'd like to change this situation and learn to love and respect with gratitude.

You're very perceptive, which is not easy to do. With this awareness, change will be much easier and smoother.

☠️Putting too much emotional energy into a situation can make it difficult to see the other person as an individual.

Spoiling is not a healthy way to show love.

Spoiling is basically unchecked, boundless, and undisciplined indulgence. It can make the person being spoiled incapable, unable to take responsibility for themselves, and selfish. That's not true love.

This is why it's difficult for you to set and maintain boundaries in your intimate relationship and why you tend to encroach on each other's personal space.

On the one hand, spoiling someone can easily lead to self-will dominating, ignoring the other person's feelings and needs, and slowly objectifying the other person.

Ultimately, the person who is doting on someone wants to satisfy themselves, not the other person.

This is also why you know she cares about a friend, but you still want her to leave.

☞ Control in the name of "for your own good"

"For your own good" is a kind of moral coercion. A lot of people only use that phrase to try to control someone else and make them obey them.

The controller is really only concerned with whether their own feelings and thoughts are respected and obeyed, while refusing to see and respect the other person's thoughts and feelings.

True love is about acceptance and tolerance.

True love is about acceptance and tolerance. I love you, so I accept you for who you are. You have the freedom to live your life and make your own choices.

Her father won't take her to the hospital, doesn't care about her feelings, and you won't let her associate with her friends.

That's why she says you're like her father.

You might want to try temporarily putting your ego aside, respecting her, and allowing her to choose her friends and live her life according to her own preferences.

Respect and understand each other, and be able to let her be her true self, not the way you want her to be. This is what true love is all about.

Wishing you the best!

Hello! I'll start by sending you a warm hug from afar.

You're also aware of how much you worry about controlling your intimate relationships. You can think about how you were raised as a child. Being aware is the first step to making a change.

As you've probably noticed, how we're treated affects how we treat others. You might want to control the other person in an intimate relationship because you're aware that your needs are excessive and that you're neglecting and disrespecting them, but you still can't stop responding to and satisfying your internal expectations and needs.

This shows that you don't feel in control and that your needs weren't met when you were growing up. As an only child, you were always the center of your family's attention and were given a lot of love and protection. However, your family may have been too protective because they thought they were doing what was best for you. In other words, their love for you was based on controlling you. This makes you feel unloved and neglected. You may also feel rejected, replaced, controlled, disrespected, misunderstood, and unloved. You can't tell your family how you really feel because you feel guilty and blame yourself. You love and respect your family, so you've come to accept and internalize this way of showing love.

If you think the other person is great in an intimate relationship but you never feel close to them, it's probably because you're copying the way you got along with your family in your early years.

Luckily, you've started to recognize your current behavior in intimate relationships, so you can make better changes with the help of this self-awareness. For instance, tell your boyfriend honestly and courageously about your true feelings and let him know you need his support and help.

If he feels like you're neglecting him, disrespecting him, or misunderstanding him, he needs to tell you. That way, you'll know what he needs and what you need to work on.

You can also record your words and actions, as well as your emotional state, in writing at the right time. This is also a way to become more aware of yourself.

The key to change is acceptance. You can see how your controlling personality traits, formed as a result of your upbringing, have caused distress in your current intimate relationships. But you can also see how they've brought you a sense of accomplishment, respect, care, and attention. Right now, the sense of control you display in intimate relationships is more of a compensation for, and correction of, the excessive control you experienced during your upbringing.

At this point, you'll be able to respond to these needs in a better way, satisfy them, respect your own physical and mental feelings and needs, and allow others to also be true to themselves in the relationship, expressing their feelings and needs. Give others more acceptance, understanding, respect, listening, and support.

I hope that sharing my experience can be helpful to you.

Hello!

Host:

I'm Zeng Chen, a heart coach. I've read your post and I can see how you feel.

The poster has also expressed his distress and sought help, which will help him understand himself and his girlfriend.

Next, I will share my thoughts, which may help the original poster see things differently.

1. What is "for your own good"?

There's an online story about a kind of cold that makes mothers feel cold. There's a kind of hunger that makes mothers feel hungry.

These episodes show that I'm looking out for your best interests, so you should listen to me. This is a common form of education.

We can find many of these voices around us if we look.

This "for your own good" can also be controlling. It often comes from a place of thinking their standards are the only right ones.

This "for your own good" can also put pressure on others.

In the post, the host said you feel like you're being "for your own good." But the good news is that the host has become aware of it.

Awareness can help us adjust. It's the first step.

2. Think about your own growth.

The poster noticed they were aware of their own "for your own good" and tried to control it, but nature cannot be suppressed.

I understand. Being good for you may not be in your nature.

But we learn this later in life.

The original poster mentioned that you get along with yourself and your biological family. You are an only child, your grandparents love you, and your mother takes care of you and makes decisions for you.

It seems like the people around you are focused on you.

If we agree with this, what happens when we enter a relationship? Will we expect the other person to revolve around us?

You try to control your girlfriend's social life. You want her to be like a family member who always surrounds you.

Your relationship model may not be innate, but acquired.

Then we can change ourselves and take care of ourselves again because we learned it later.

3. Love yourself.

If we can love ourselves, we can love others.

Rogers says love is understanding and accepting someone.

First, we have to understand ourselves.

This is understanding yourself. And what is accepting yourself?

It's about accepting yourself, your strengths and your weaknesses.

Accepting your strengths and weaknesses. Accepting the good and bad parts of yourself.

We accept the real self. Everyone may understand love differently. The host may want to read "The Art of Love."

4. Respect and listen.

Remember that the relationship is not equal when giving advice. You are superior and the other person is inferior.

At this point, we need to learn to respect and listen to others and try to see things from their perspective.

Even if our views differ.

We must respect differences, listen, and see other points of view. Then we can connect with others.

Instead of imagining the other person, respect and listen to understand more.

Adjustment takes time. If you can, read books on psychology. I hope these are helpful and inspiring.

Love can be seen as a kind of energy, and it is often a positive flow. This flow is an interaction between the giver and the receiver, so it is mutual.

It's akin to two individuals engaging in a mutual exchange. If you extend me a kinder gesture, I'll reciprocate with a similar one. This fosters a virtuous cycle, and vice versa. Conversely, if you treat me with disdain, I'll respond with a similar sentiment. This creates a negative cycle.

I find the phrase "for your own good" to be quite intriguing. It implies that I am doing this for your benefit, and therefore, you should... However, there seems to be an underlying meaning or expectation, an expectation that is not always met. When this happens, it can lead to feelings of disappointment and a sense of emotional discord. This expectation is also an acquired habit, shaped by our family and surroundings. We tend to behave and think in certain ways, which may have been beneficial in the past. However, in a new environment, these behaviors might not be as effective. Perhaps in the past, these behaviors were conducive to harmony and blending in with our surroundings. However, in a new environment, they might not be as effective.

Then, when we leave this environment, for example, in a larger social work environment, we find ourselves in a new environment with people who have different backgrounds and personalities. This approach may bring about some challenges in adjusting to this change. At this time, it would be beneficial to reflect on how to establish a more harmonious relationship with those around us, including our friends, our family, and our loved ones.

Then, for your own good, there may be some uncertainty or concerns. It's as if we use this approach to connect the other person and me closely together. I especially remember that a few years ago, our Huang Xiaoming said, "I hope you don't think I feel it!"

Then we would suggest that seeing, feeling, or even just beginning to think about such a phenomenon could also be a kind of preparation, a kind of beginning, and an epiphany before change. This is always beneficial, so perhaps we could consider doing more of it?

Perhaps it would be helpful to take some time to reflect on your own characteristics, strengths, weaknesses, and patterns of interaction with others. It might also be beneficial to consider the successes and failures associated with these aspects, as well as the feelings of others and your own experiences in relation to them. By doing so, we can gain a deeper understanding of ourselves and others, which can in turn inform our actions and interactions.

I believe that if we can learn to think about the company's summary and to change and to feel for others, we will ultimately be able to improve ourselves and adapt to new situations. This will allow us to live in harmony and to find beauty in life.