After a normal relationship, I don't know how to deal with it. What should I do?

Dear,

I'm sorry about your past, but I hope you have a good future.

Life is short, and everyone has encountered some bad people. But there's no need to doubt humanity because most people are neutral or try to avoid harm and take advantage of others. Bullying is the main way people survive. When we give without limits, we risk being hurt because we've given the other person the right to hurt us. So, no matter how much we love ourselves or hope to be loved, we should always set limits. This protects us and stops others from hurting us without consequence.

The original poster has already invested a lot in previous relationships. She has not received equal returns and has found the crux of the problem in her boyfriend's interactions with other women. This is a model for men and women to get along.

You can't measure or exchange affection for devotion. What you can exchange is not affection, but friendship. That's why many families say that even if our love is gone, we still have family ties.

Love is a physical and mental thing. The physical is the rush of sex. The mental is more complicated. Girls with a "sense of self-worth" can be treated seriously by men. You can't be treated seriously because you don't love yourself. Love yourself more. When you love yourself, men will respect you.

You were hurt by people with a different world view. It's like putting a sheep in the midst of wolves. The kind sheep is always bitten by the wolves. The wolves are just hungry and driven by their instinct to hunt.

If you want to change this situation, it's not about making the sheep bathe. It's about the sheep protecting themselves. It's like Xiyangyang fighting against Grey Wolf... Or returning to the flock and keeping the sheepdog company.

The original poster is lucky. Your current boyfriend might become your guardian. Don't hesitate when faced with new love. Don't reject out of fear of hurting someone. Participate. You still have a chance. If you give up, you'll be a spectator.

You will find someone who appreciates you. All your previous experiences have prepared you to enjoy the present. Love fully, but set limits for yourself and your boyfriend.

Every woman is an angel. She breaks her wings because she has met him, but later realizes he has always loved her.

Dear host, love yourself. Don't give up or change for anyone. Cherish your wings. He'll always be the same as he was when you first met.

Dear, seeing you struggle like this, I really want to give you a hug. What I want to tell you is

You deserve better, and you deserve to be treated that well by that man.

You deserve a better love life.

I can see that you're holding back in this new relationship because you're not sure about the future. You're worried that this kindness he shows you is only temporary, and you're afraid that you'll get it and then lose it again quickly.

You are wonderful, and you deserve this love. God saw how hard it was for you in the past and thinks you are a good match, so he sent you such a good marriage.

If you feel that he is good to you, you can also show your appreciation and be twice as good to him in return.

2. Take some time to figure out what you need from yourself.

Dear, if you want to be happy, you can't rely on your partner to make you happy.

No matter who you fall in love with, you have to remember that the one who truly stays with us forever is ourselves.

While we can find a partner for life, a spiritual partner can only be found within ourselves.

It's important to understand that when you base your right to happiness on other people and external things, you lose the ability to be happy and connect with your inner self.

And even when you experience happiness, you might still have doubts about whether it's really genuine.

Can I keep him on as a permanent fixture?

I want to tell you that you deserve it, that happiness is in your own hands, and that you can make your life and relationships fulfilling and enriching.

3. If you're in a relationship, make sure you love yourself first.

From what I can see, in your previous relationships you didn't treat yourself very well and you didn't love yourself as much as you could have done.

People who love themselves

To gain the respect of others,

And appreciate your own life and personality.

And know that you're worth it.

She'll find the courage to stand up for her rights.

Don't let past hurts make you doubt your own value.

Don't compromise just to get a man's love.

And don't ever stop loving yourself just because a man doesn't love you.

If you don't know how to love yourself, you won't know how to love others.

In a relationship, both parties are equal.

In a relationship, both parties are equal in status. There's no difference between high and low, noble and vulgar in their feelings.

The foundation of equality is respect for yourself and your worth.

Then you'll be at a disadvantage compared to the other person.

If you do that, you'll end up being seen as inferior by the other person. They won't respect you, and they'll probably start to bully you, too. (This has happened in previous relationships.)

What's even scarier is that once you lose your dignity, it's tough to get it back.

I really hope you'll be happy.

Hello, host! Every girl deserves respect and love. You said that you had a long-distance relationship for 19 years because you cared about him and were willing to spend your own money to see him. That's so admirable! But he didn't cherish or be grateful, and instead cheated on you. That's a shame. After reading this, I feel sad and aggrieved for you on the one hand, and at the same time I think of a saying: what is too easy to come by is often not cherished. But you've got this! You'll find someone who will cherish you.

Oh, he didn't pay, and love without cost doesn't feel precious to him. So, he tramples it wantonly! And, I also think of the bride price that girls pay when they get married nowadays. It's not about money, it's about care, cherish, and respect. If you spend money, and he really wants to betray the marriage, he will think about the money he has spent, and he will not dare to act recklessly because of the money when he remarries and has to spend so much again!

I think this is the main reason why you are not being cherished, and it's totally your fault! You took the initiative, and they felt that it was too easy to get. So, where would they care about you anymore?

The good news is that after a few unsatisfactory and short-lived relationships, you have now met someone who really cares about you. He is different from other guys, and it's so great! He wants to see you every day, he wants to take you out and buy you things. To love someone is to want to be together all the time, to see her hugging him and sharing the beauty of the world with her!

Don't be afraid! Embrace your love with open arms!

Dear host, Greetings.

From your writing, it is evident that you engage in a certain degree of self-reflection and positioning, which can be described as a "low sense of self-worth." Your current doubt pertains to the question of how to accept your boyfriend's sincere devotion, which is closely linked to your self-worth.

Firstly, it can be observed that in each of your previous romantic relationships, you have consistently demonstrated a tendency to invest more financially and emotionally than the male partner. It is notable that in each case, the male partner eventually sought a relationship with someone else, having derived enjoyment from your selfless devotion for a period of time. It may be posited that for you, it is a natural inclination to provide for those you love, and that you do so without expecting anything in return. It is possible that we can find a sense of our own value and happiness in the process of serving others, and that this is a common source of happiness for most people.

Similarly, the contributions of parents, the collaboration among colleagues, the camaraderie and assistance of friends, and even a minor gesture of benevolence from a stranger can collectively foster a sense of contentment.

Nevertheless, it is evident that your initial romantic experience has had a detrimental impact on your emotional well-being, resulting in a prolonged period of depression. The recurrence of similar experiences suggests that you continue to nurture a profound hope and longing for love. However, in the process, you consistently invest more than you receive, ultimately leading to a sense of disappointment.

There may be some reasons for this on your part. For example, you indicated that you have observed that those men do not treat women with a high sense of self-worth in the same manner as you. Therefore, it would be beneficial for you to pay closer attention to this in the future.

With regard to enhancing one's sense of self-worth, the Yixinli platform offers a plethora of resources, including articles on self-growth, assessments, learning methods, and community groups. These encompass valuable insights on self-worth, such as those pertaining to confidence and self-esteem. For those interested in exploring these topics further, the platform provides detailed information. It is essential to recognize that transformation is a challenging process that necessitates time. Therefore, it is crucial to avoid excessive pressure and to maintain a sense of balance. Regardless of one's desired pace of growth, it is vital to cultivate a mindset of relaxation and self-compassion. Affirmations such as "I am taking the most crucial first step towards growth," "I am on the path to improvement," and "I will continue to develop and evolve in the future" can be beneficial in fostering a sense of assurance and resilience.

Additionally, it would be beneficial to discuss your feelings regarding your current romantic partner. He differs from your previous partners in that he treats you with sincerity, which can evoke a sense of being overwhelmed and even a slight feeling of panic (you have indicated that you feel uneasy and are seeking numerous excuses to avoid the situation). I can likely comprehend your sentiments. This resonates with me personally, as I experienced a similar shift in dynamics during my academic years. My parents had previously provided me with significant support and attention, but then, abruptly, they ceased to care about my decisions and allowed me to navigate life independently. I recall feeling as though I was in an unreal state, and I was concerned that they were merely saying those things to deceive me.

I postulate that you have had this kind of experience before as well. When an individual who has previously been disregarded suddenly becomes the focal point of attention, it can evoke a sense of unreality and a fear of loss or deception. It is possible that it will take time for you to become less defensive, as the adage suggests, "Time reveals the true character."

It is imperative to enhance one's sense of self-worth while concurrently accepting one's partner's benevolent actions and responding to the affection they offer. It is crucial to gradually reveal one's emotions, convey one's concerns and joy to the other person, and, if feasible, divulge one's history to facilitate comprehension of the underlying reasons behind one's actions. It is of paramount importance to refrain from unquestioning avoidance and resistance, as this may lead to the individual who genuinely cares for you becoming impatient and prone to misinterpretations.

It is my hope that you can finally recognize that there are qualities about you that are worthy of admiration and affection. These qualities may include honesty, kindness, and courage, as I have experienced them in these brief words. When someone expresses interest in you and is willing to invest effort in your relationship, it is likely because they perceive these qualities in you.

The aforementioned thoughts are offered in the hope that they may assist the reader in developing new ideas.

You are not alone in navigating the challenges and opportunities that lie ahead.

I extend my best wishes to you.

Good day, inquiring party.

In light of your inquiry, I empathize with your current state of emotional distress and confusion.

As you have described, your emotional experiences over the past few years have not been positive. Your dedication, financial investment, and effort were not acknowledged or appreciated, and you were even betrayed, which has led to depression.

The confusion arises from the fact that, despite the presence of a normal relationship, there is a lack of belief in its authenticity and a concomitant concern about the potential for further hurt.

To illustrate, if a particular route is always taken home, and potholes are encountered along the way, and no warning is given, and there is no alternative route, then the assumption is made that this is the only way to complete the journey, and the potholes must be negotiated.

At last, someone is offering guidance and assistance, suggesting a more direct route to a successful outcome. Initially, there may be some hesitation and doubt, questioning the reliability of the advice and the feasibility of the proposed path. However, it is important to recognize that past experiences may have led to a tendency to navigate challenges independently, which has not always resulted in optimal outcomes.

It appears that past relationships often exhibit a cyclical pattern of negative behavior. When confronted with a typical relationship, it is understandable to feel uneasy and detached.

Due to the potential for a multitude of unidentified impediments in our past experiences, it is often unclear when these issues originated or how they were triggered.

Honey, I am unaware of your past experiences, but from a psychological perspective, when a particular complex is not acknowledged or becomes fixed, it tends to manifest as a repetitive pattern of distress.

It is a kind of compulsive repetition. Only through constant repetition of similar injuries does it seem to remind us of something.

Fortunately, your relationship has taken a new turn, and this progress is different from the previous pattern. The challenge now is to break the old pattern and accept a new, healthier one.

In this relationship, your role has evolved from one that seeks approval and recognition through submissive and pleasing behavior to one that is actively cared for and looked after.

If circumstances permit, it would be beneficial to examine this aspect in closer detail.

On the return journey, we gain insight into the formation of potholes, the development of relationship compromise, and the act of waiting for a loved one by giving.

What factors contribute to feelings of insecurity and a lack of support in the context of a secure relationship? What are the key learnings from early attachment relationships?

It is only when we are prepared to confront the past, to understand our experiences and emotions, and to identify our needs in a new relationship, that we can begin to adjust our mindset and become more confident and comfortable in our interactions.

When you are ready to embrace self-love, you can find your way back to your true purpose.

It is important to have the courage to love and to be aware of the potential for hurt. A genuine partner will be able to demonstrate their love through their actions.

I would like to take this opportunity to wish you a speedy return home.

Xiaowan's answer:

1. [Scum Boy Manufacturer] I can see how your current way of thinking might lead you to believe that even your normal boyfriend will have to turn into a scum boy to reassure you and make you feel at ease. I'm sure you'll agree that the so-called "scum boy" you once met is actually not scum at all. As long as he breaks up with you and goes out with another girl, he immediately becomes a warm boy. And your warm boy boyfriend will also immediately become a scum boy when he is with you. It's quite a transformation! I wonder if this involves a scum boy manufacturer? How much magic is required to turn a warm boy into a scum boy?

So there aren't as many bad guys in the world as you might think. But we need them! As you said, they only treat you this way, but are very nice to others. Who is to blame for this?

2. [Give up the opportunity] So the truth is that you have strongly, tyrannically, and cruelly deprived the boys of the right to pay for you. Regarding the matter of spending money, in a romantic relationship, it is originally the man who pays more than the woman, which is in line with the laws of human nature. But you have to do the opposite!

So it's not that human nature is selfish, it's just that you're not acting according to it.

So why don't guys pay you back and pay other girls? Well, it's because other girls give them the chance to pay, so guys are nice to such girls.

Have you heard the saying, "A hot face butts against a cold butt"? Well, that's what happened with your previous boyfriends, and it's also what's happening with your current boyfriend. This shows us something really important: what is easily obtained is not cherished. This is true for those boys, and it's also true for you.

Hello!

In fact, showing affection for someone you like is a wonderful way to show your love! You give without expecting anything in return because you love them. But remember, the people you meet don't love you as much as you love them.

In a relationship, if you give too much, it gives the other person the impression that they are treating you well and you feel good about it (there is an element of pleasing them), so they don't value you as much and the relationship becomes unequal. But here's the thing: you can't control how someone else feels about you. You can't make someone else value you more just by giving them everything they want. And you certainly can't make a relationship unequal by giving too much. So, give generously, but don't give too much. And remember, you are worthy of love and respect.

Can you see what you hope to get in return in this? If I treat you well, you'll treat me well!

If I don't give, I'm not worthy of your kindness, and only if I give will you think I'm good and worthy of love. But in a relationship, is the only person who gives good and only deserves to be loved? Absolutely not!

Now, let's look at the part you call normal relationships. You met a boy who took the initiative to pay for you!

Why did you hold back? According to your logic, if you give, you will get in return! So why didn't you return his love?

The good news is that you can change your mindset! You can learn to believe that you can receive love by giving, and that giving is a way to show love. So you didn't take the initiative to give to this boy, thinking that you don't deserve his true love, and you also doubted his feelings.

It's a bit of a roundabout way of saying things, so take your time and think it through. It'll be worth it!

I really hope this simple answer helps you out! Thanks so much!

Perhaps you could try to offer the OP some comfort from a distance.

If I might offer a word to the questioner:

From what I can gather from the text, it seems that the questioner may have an ambivalent attachment in the relationship.

It is my understanding that you are hoping to enhance your relationship with the other person by being nice to them. However, when the other person takes the initiative to seek something like this, you find yourself running away and doubting.

I'm not sure if the three relationships the OP has had have given you the same feeling. Perhaps it might be helpful for you to consider reviewing these three relationships, what you have given, and what kind of state you are in during these relationships.

This way of thinking can also help you gain a clearer understanding of your position in the relationship. Could you please reflect on the reasons that led to your current situation?

From my perspective, it's possible that every relationship the OP has had has been healthy. It's not necessarily the case that a relationship is unhealthy simply because there have been hurt feelings within it.

It is worth noting that everyone encounters different things depending on the kind of person they are when they care about someone. It is also important to recognize that how we behave is not the sole determining factor in changing someone's behavior.

Perhaps it would be helpful to consider that we all treat others differently, and that our own subjective feelings may not always align with how others perceive us.

It would be interesting to see whether the questioner would react in the same way to unexpected feedback from the outside world.

I believe that the questioner may have a different understanding of human nature than what is commonly held. It seems that she may not believe that her own efforts will necessarily lead to the desired outcomes.

It may be the case that the questioner has subconsciously formed a set of patterns for how they deal with their emotions. They may believe that having such patterns is the right thing to do.

It is, however, relatively straightforward to perceive that the relationships we have with each person are, in fact, quite distinct.

It is fair to say that different people have different ways of getting along with each other.

It's totally understandable that your past experiences have made you doubt human nature. I can imagine that they really hurt you. It's so sad when someone in a relationship starts to care about being good to you, and you instinctively shrink back and fear.

This kind of behavior is not a sign that the questioner is "problematic." It's actually a result of some truly heartbreaking emotional experiences they've had in the past.

I really hope this sharing helps you, and I'm sending lots of love to the questioner too! I'm sending you both lots of love and support so that you can both have a healthy relationship.

Firstly, it's important to remember that not everyone will experience habitual thinking and behavior disregard, and falling in love is a beautiful thing!

It's totally normal to feel this way! All previous emotional experiences have been more or less pathological or abnormal, and total commitment has not been returned with true feelings. Anyone who has such an experience will be guarded against others.

And you know what? Repeated similar experiences also make our brains remember certain clues or signals. It's just like in the questioner's emotional experience, where they're used to giving but unfamiliar with receiving.

Secondly, when we feel obsessive repetition, it often means there are some personal issues going on. But the good news is that sincere feelings can help us heal past wounds!

In the previous extreme relationships, it's clear that the questioner has been through a lot. It's understandable that they've been repeating some similar patterns, and it's totally normal that these patterns have affected their pursuit of true love.

It's important to remember that this doesn't mean the questioner is "problematic" in themselves. It's just that past experiences have manifested themselves in some way. When you've been hurt too many times, your self-protection mechanism will start to guard you like armor.

So, it's totally understandable that you're feeling a bit scared about this relationship. There's absolutely no need to rush into repeating past actions or pushing the other person away.

You can feel this unfamiliar "giving" from others. Sincere love can heal old wounds and give you a chance to give yourself a chance, as well as this relationship.

3. Just take things one step at a time, communicate honestly, and protect yourself, OK?

It's so true that "people's hearts are separated from their stomachs." Even true love is unlikely to be recognized at first.

Living together with caution but not rejection will help the questioner to better see the other self in the interaction of this relationship, as well as a brand new emotional relationship model. I really hope this helps!

Even if things don't work out the way you hoped, there's still a chance to get to know yourself again and develop a new relationship model with lots of love and care.

I really hope this helps!

I really hope this sharing can inspire you!

I'm a psychologist, but my focus is on the heart, not the mind. I'm sending you lots of love and blessings.

Good day, I hope this message finds you well. I just wanted to drop you a quick line to say hello.

I would like to extend a warm embrace to you, dear. Please do not feel guilty because you did not receive a corresponding return on your efforts.

It is not your fault. The individual who terminated the relationship did not demonstrate the capacity to value your contributions. It could also be argued that they lacked the qualifications to continue receiving your affection.

My emotional experiences over the past few years have not been optimal.

The duration of the first relationship was 19 years, which was conducted remotely.

I provided financial support for his travel, accommodation, and even contraceptives.

At that time, I was pleased to be spending money on the young man I was interested in, and I was fully committed to him. However, I was ultimately disappointed when I discovered that he had been unfaithful.

Furthermore, you were diagnosed with depression immediately, and it has not yet been resolved.

I am offering you a hug because I believe that this is the first time you will fully invest your energy and resources into a romantic relationship. This demonstrates that the original poster is also a sentimental person.

It requires courage to love someone without concern for gains and losses or rewards.

Some individuals are reluctant to embrace vulnerability and the emotional vulnerability that accompanies it.

I will not provide further details about the individuals I encountered subsequently, but they were also the ones who spent money on gifts for others and provided free emotional value.

Subsequently, I discovered that this behavior was directed solely towards me. I would extend kindness to other individuals who possess a high level of self-worth.

Reflecting on this situation always evokes a sense of sadness, and I recognize that it is an issue I must address.

As a result, I have developed a high degree of skepticism regarding the nature of human behavior.

It is my assessment that human nature is inherently selfish. In my experience, people are realistic and self-interested, weighing the pros and cons and targeting the easiest opportunities.

The complexity of human nature is that a person will reciprocate positive actions with a similar positive action.

However, as a result of such treatment, the other party may become accustomed to the kindness and may even come to take it for granted.

When extending kindness to others, it is important to be mindful that the other person may also have expectations of reciprocity.

Naturally, when inquiring with the other party, one should avoid a commanding tone and instead employ a tone that is both polite and assertive.

In the event that the other party does not take the situation seriously, it may be necessary to withdraw your offer of unconditional support.

The current situation is not conducive to fostering a healthy relationship. The actions being taken are not aligned with the principles of love and respect. They are, in fact, creating an insatiable desire in the other person.

There is no inherent problem with loving others or with selfless and unrequited love.

However, it is important to ensure that the love is directed towards someone who is capable of reciprocating and expressing gratitude.

If your love makes a person more greedy, it is not a beneficial relationship, and the other person will exploit you.

By understanding how to love ourselves, we can maintain a healthy relationship with others without becoming emotionally vulnerable.

I have recently initiated a relationship that could be considered "normal."

He treats me well and demonstrates care and concern. He frequently invites me out and expresses a desire to see me daily.

He has expressed a desire to purchase gifts for me, but I am unsure how to respond.

I have been making excuses to avoid him. It is not that I do not like him; I am simply unsure of the reason for my apprehension.

I am unaware of the specific concerns you have.

Are you concerned that once he has gained a deeper understanding of your character, he may no longer be inclined to treat you with the same level of respect and consideration?

Am I concerned that he may revert to the behavior of those individuals in the past?

I must reconsider my beliefs about human nature. How should I proceed?

The reason for these emotions is that the host is accustomed to giving, and when others demonstrate kindness, it is initially difficult to adjust.

The host is genuinely kind, so there is no cause for concern. You are entitled to be loved and cared for by a man.

Previous experiences of being hurt have instilled a reluctance to believe in love again.

There is a commonly held belief that those who have been hurt once are more cautious the next time. This is a reasonable assumption.

Going forward, it is essential to alter your mindset and implement the following actions:

Going forward, it is essential to alter your mindset and implement the following actions:

It is possible that you may be able to find your own love.

Accept the other person's goodwill graciously and reciprocate with a similar level of goodwill.

First, accept the goodwill of others with gratitude, as you are deserving of love.

Within the scope of your willingness, you may also reciprocate your sincerity to the other party.

It is also important to grasp the appropriate degree, learn from the mistakes of others, and avoid repeating the same mistakes.

While providing assistance, it is also important to monitor the recipient's response.

It is important to recognize that mutual feelings and reciprocal love are essential for a healthy relationship.

Once you have established a sufficient level of mutual respect and understanding with the other party, you can then proceed to reciprocate their feelings.

It is important to demonstrate your weaknesses in a measured and appropriate manner.

It is important to recognise that nobody is perfect, and there is no need to be afraid of displaying your own weaknesses.

Instead, demonstrate to the other party some of your shortcomings and observe their response.

When the other party is able to accept you for who you are, you can be your true self.

It is not necessary to present your worst self to the other party.

It is important to note that people tend to gravitate towards positive and avoid negative stimuli.

It is advisable to bid farewell to any painful memories that may be causing you distress.

Given that the matter is already settled, it is advisable to refrain from dwelling on it.

Discard the negative aspects and begin anew. Focus on the positive aspects and enjoy the benefits.

It is not possible to change what has already happened.

It is unproductive to dwell on potential future outcomes.

To achieve greater happiness, it is essential to fully engage with the present moment.

I would like to take this opportunity to extend my appreciation to the host for their efforts. They deserve recognition and appreciation for their contributions.

I am writing to express my warmest regards for the month of June and to convey my affection for the world.