Are differences in how the husband treats both sets of parents during the child-rearing process causing discomfort?

Good morning, Thank you for your question.

As you have indicated, this is a common occurrence.

Notwithstanding the reasons you have provided to your husband, you still feel uneasy.

What is the recommended course of action in this situation?

I am pleased to assist you in resolving this matter. I hope that my guidance will be both comforting and inspiring for you.

1. Identify your own requirements.

Our primary source of dissatisfaction with our husband is his disparate treatment of our parents.

You are aware that this is an unavoidable consequence.

It is to be expected that there will be a difference in treatment between his mother and his mother-in-law.

However, there is a deeper underlying issue.

It may be helpful to consider the situation from a different perspective. Why is it that, while we can explain our husband's actions rationally, we still have difficulty moving past this issue emotionally?

In addressing emotional challenges, it is crucial to resist the urge to rely solely on rational thinking. Instead, it is essential to muster the courage to confront the underlying emotions and gain a clear understanding of one's own perspective.

It would be beneficial to ascertain whether there are any unmet needs in this situation.

For example, they hope that their husband will recognize the challenges faced by their parents and express gratitude towards them.

This is, in fact, our own need.

Because you have a deep sense of compassion for your parents and recognize their fatigue and potential frustrations.

They believe that your parents have made significant contributions to your family.

Is there an alternative solution to this problem?

I believe there is a solution.

As an example, the next time your parents come to assist with childcare, even if your husband is unable to interact with them in the morning, you can express your gratitude to your parents at another time.

Should this prove challenging for your husband, you may wish to express your feelings to him.

This should help to improve your situation.

To illustrate, we may interact with our own parents and in-laws in different ways.

This approach will facilitate your ability to navigate your current situation more effectively.

2. Learn effective communication and conflict resolution skills.

"The family has welcomed a new life, and both sets of parents help take care of the child." It is to be expected that conflicts will arise during this stage for every family.

The transition from a couple to a family of three entails the acquisition of new roles and a modified family structure. The focus of attention shifts from the couple to the children.

This represents a change and a challenge in itself.

Furthermore, the involvement of both sets of parents increases the likelihood of conflict.

In order to achieve family harmony and happiness, it is essential that we learn to get along with each other.

First and foremost, it is essential to recognize that both parties have distinct perspectives and needs.

Furthermore, it is important to allow our husbands the flexibility to occasionally deviate from our expectations.

It is important to move away from the idea of right or wrong and instead focus on what is comfortable for both parties.

Once we cease to adhere to a binary notion of right and wrong, we can anticipate a reduction in conflict and an enhanced sense of ease.

3. Prioritize the relationship.

Psychologists recognize a hierarchy of family relationships.

Psychological research indicates the existence of a family relationship hierarchy.

The first is the marital relationship.

The second is the parent-child relationship.

The third is the parent-child relationship.

It should be noted that this order is not a ranking of relationships and does not imply that the final relationship is of lesser importance.

A successful marriage is one in which the spouses prioritize their relationship and each other.

This foundation provides a solid basis for resolving even major conflicts.

It is possible that future conflicts may arise between family members during the process of raising children. We adhere to the following order of priority: actively communicate with your husband, and then deal with parent-child relationships, or the relationship between the two parents, which is easier.

It is important to maintain a certain distance from both sides of the original family, as your relationship with your husband is now the primary focus.

This will facilitate a more objective assessment of the issue at hand.

It is crucial to refrain from acting as the representative for one's own family of origin, and it is similarly important to prevent the husband from assuming this role for his family of origin.

It is important to adapt to the new role and position.

From a family system perspective, it is beneficial to family harmony for each family member to take their own position.

Please feel free to share these.

Should you be interested, you are invited to read the series of books entitled Family Dance.

Best regards,

You may find a multitude of "reasonable" reasons for him, but that will not change the fact that you feel uneasy. This gap will always be there, and you will never be able to bridge it. The questioner, however, is acutely aware of her own unhappiness and dissatisfaction. She does not deny her negative emotions and actively seeks change. I see two major psychological blind spots in this issue, and I am ready to help you clear the fog and break the deadlock.

1⃣️ This is not your fault!

The questioner is upset by the stark contrast between her husband's words and actions towards their parents. The two central figures in this incident are "husband" and "parents." While the incident itself does not involve you, they are still important people in your life. At this moment, it's natural to fall into the trap of thinking "I am not good enough."

"My family relationship is not handled well enough, so my parents are treated unfairly."

"My husband treats my parents like this because he thinks I'm not good enough."

Think back. Have you ever had similar automatic associations?

❗️You must tell yourself that it really is not your fault! Before helping your family solve problems, make sure you are not being consumed by unnecessary burdens!

2⃣️ You can change the situation.

As a third party to the incident, the questioner clearly saw what happened. Both parties to the incident are the most important people in their lives, and they are responsible for taking action to change the situation. However, the question does not show the communication process between the questioner and the core figure, the husband. Perhaps they are not ready, or perhaps they are not convinced that they can do a good job. Either way, you can do a lot to gradually change the situation!

First, tell your husband what you see, what you feel, and what you expect. If you find it difficult to communicate this way, break it down into several parts and only mention a small point at a time. You can then gradually convey your thoughts to the other person.

Second, listen to your husband's thoughts with an open mind. He may have difficulty expressing his emotions and not know how to express them to you. He might also have his own inexplicable "kindness." Understanding each other is the key to solving the problem!

Give your husband clear and achievable tasks. He may also want to interact with your parents, but is unsure how. If he struggles to express his feelings, tell him to set the elderly couple's breakfast out every day and simply say hello to them. If he does this, give him immediate positive feedback: "You did xxxx for them today, I'm so happy" and "What you prepared for them made them very happy, and I'm very happy too."

Don't be a "noiseless" person!

This is not your problem. You can solve it for them. Do it!

Hello!

I understand how you feel. Your husband doesn't care about his parents as much as you do. He pays more attention to your mother and greets her every morning when she leaves for work. This makes you feel uncomfortable. If this were to happen to someone else, they would feel the same way.

1. Accept these feelings.

I think most people would feel the same way. When we see this kind of difference, we feel aggrieved for our parents and treated differently. This feeling is uncomfortable, so allow yourself to feel this way. There is a reason and source for any human emotion.

Emotions hide unmet needs. Understanding them helps us understand ourselves and our needs.

We are the most authentic experience.

But we often don't want to admit it and either run away or suppress it, which is not good.

All emotions are not bad. They can help us to relax and make changes.

2. Learn to express yourself.

I recommend Nonviolent Communication by Dr. Marshall Rosenberg. It's a way of communicating that can help you and me connect and build a good relationship.

The book is practical. I use it in real life.

What are the elements of non-violent communication?

There are four elements of non-violent communication: observation, feelings, needs, and requests.

(1) Observe carefully. Just state what people are doing, clearly and without judgment.

For example, you could say to your husband, "You never say hello to my parents before work, but you do with your mom."

(2) Express feelings. For example, hurt, angry, happy, excited.

Say to your husband, "I feel a little aggrieved. I want you to greet my parents."

(3) State your needs.

I feel a bit aggrieved. I would like you to also greet my parents before you leave the house.

(4) Make your request.

If you go out without saying hello to my parents, I feel hurt. I hope you care about my parents as much as I do. Would you say hello to my parents when you go out?

When you talk to others, say what you mean and listen to them too. This is called non-violent communication. You can use it with yourself and with other people.

You can buy it or listen to it as an audiobook. Give it a try.

3. Learn to express your emotions.

When you're feeling depressed, write about your feelings. Use a pen and paper or your phone's memo function. Don't worry about how it looks. Just write whatever comes to mind. When you've written everything you're feeling, you'll feel better. You can also do some squats or relaxation exercises.

4. Be kind to your parents and talk to your husband.

It's hard for parents to stay up late to help with childcare at their age. They love you a lot. You know your parents best. Your husband didn't grow up with them, so show them more love. If he doesn't greet them, you should do it for him. And talk to your husband more!

I wish you a good mood, long life, and good health for your parents!

First of all, it is very good that you can detect changes in your mood in time. This uncomfortable, unpleasant feeling is real, so it might be helpful to try to identify any underlying causes rather than making excuses to comfort yourself or questioning your feelings.

I think you're doing a great job at this, because it's the truth.

Secondly, your parents have raised you since you were young, so you are aware of how to show gratitude for their kindness. You also feel for what they do for you without realizing it, fearing that they are suffering. This is a normal response. They love you, and you love them.

It's important to remember that your husband's parents also love him very much, and he loves his parents very much too. In contrast, your parents did not take care of your husband when he was young, and their relationship is not as close as it could be, so it's understandable that they are emotionally detached.

His parents may not have taken care of you when you were young, which could explain why you don't have a deep emotional connection with them. It's understandable that each of you would want to prioritize the feelings of your own parents first.

If someone does us a favor, we naturally feel a desire to repay them. It's not something that can be forced; it's a genuine choice and emotional response that comes from the heart.

Third, it might be helpful to consider adjusting your expectations of your husband. After all, he is your partner, your husband, and your life partner! It's natural to want to be on the same side, but it's also important to recognize that your parents have a different perspective. It's possible that your husband's actions may not align with your expectations, but it's essential to communicate your feelings in a constructive manner.

It might be helpful to consider that feeling that your husband doesn't appreciate the hard work of your in-laws could potentially indicate a lack of attention and love for your wife. It's possible that this line of thinking is not entirely accurate, and it might be beneficial to detect it in time and "apply the brakes."

It would be beneficial to remember that your husband loves you, and you love every member of your family. With this in mind, it might be helpful to focus on resolving the issue at hand, rather than placing blame on your husband for creating additional challenges.

It would be beneficial to defuse the situation. It would also be helpful to communicate with your husband calmly and objectively, sharing your feelings without being overly critical.

Perhaps you could gently encourage him to consider that he may have overlooked the feelings of his in-laws due to his own exhaustion and workload. It might be helpful to give him the opportunity to reflect and make adjustments where necessary.

Fourth, in addition to being a member of the family, you must also be the family's emotional regulator. It would be beneficial for you to strive to be calm and peaceful, and to constantly improve your emotional awareness and wisdom.

You might consider expressing your sympathy for your husband's hard work and offering him comfort. You could also show your concern for the elderly and provide them with spiritual comfort.

It would be beneficial to try to maintain a positive relationship with your in-laws and your husband. It's probably best to avoid any criticism or actions that could potentially damage the relationship.

It would be beneficial to consider the broader picture and strive to make the necessary compromises to foster a harmonious atmosphere within the family. Learning effective communication skills is a valuable step in this direction. Despite the changes in circumstances, it's important to remember that everyone's fundamental nature remains unchanged.

Perhaps you could consider what you might say to each of them to make them feel good. And how would you talk about your parents in front of your husband?

And how do you talk about your husband to your parents? One way to improve your eloquence might be to... let me suggest!

Hello, my name is Huang Xiaolu.

I believe many people who read your description may feel a sense of relief. It seems we have similar views, so I hope you don't think I'm being overly sensitive.

It is not uncommon for new mothers to experience a range of emotional challenges, including sensitivity and vulnerability, following the birth of their child. The hormonal changes, lack of sleep, reversal of day and night, and anxiety that are common during this period can contribute to these feelings. Additionally, the significant changes that occur in a person's life after childbirth can also influence their emotional state. It is important to recognize that our expectations and feelings towards those around us may also undergo changes during this period. We may find ourselves more generous in accepting our differences and less inclined to demand that we are the sole expression of ourselves, or that we are the ideal wife and mother. It is also essential to maintain a healthy relationship within the family, which may require a shift in perspective.

It would be beneficial for you to recognize that you have needs that must be met, including the need for care, equality, and love. At the same time, it is important to acknowledge that your husband's understanding and gratitude towards the older generation in the family for their childcare responsibilities are essential for maintaining a harmonious family dynamic.

What can we do? It is important to remember that the responsibility for the children and for maintaining the family relationship belongs to the whole family. The same is true of the responsibility for being grateful to your parents for raising you. It is not just you who should feel this way, but rather the whole family. It is also important not to force yourself.

1. It would be beneficial to express your feelings and needs.

It seems that there might be a difference in the way your husband treats the two mothers. You feel that your parents are not being valued, and you hope that your husband can communicate more with your parents and interact more with the children.

At the same time, it might be helpful for your husband to take on more of the nighttime childcare duties or responsibilities, which would allow both sets of elderly parents and you to have some time to rest.

It would be beneficial for you to receive care, to be treated as an equal, and to be seen.

2. Consider adjusting the process and method of taking care of the baby at night.

I couldn't help but notice that you have two shifts for taking care of the baby at night. I was wondering if you could tell me a bit more about why you decided to change shifts at 2:00 a.m. to 4:00 a.m. to take care of the baby for the rest of the night?

It is possible that this may affect the sleeping habits of children. For adults, whether they are night owls or early birds, it may be challenging to get a good night's sleep, which could lead to feelings of fatigue.

If it is feasible, it might be helpful to adjust the baby's night feedings to between 11 and 12 o'clock, which could allow them to sleep until dawn.

If you find yourself in need of warm milk, you might consider preparing thermostatic water and the right amount of milk powder in advance. This way, you can simply warm it up and drink it directly when you wake up. It might also be helpful to turn off the lights so that the baby can maintain a feeling of continuous sleep.

It might be helpful to manage the schedule by day. For example, the elderly and you could take care of the children together from Sunday to Thursday, and the husband and you could take care of the children together from Friday to Saturday. That way, the elderly and the husband would have a full day off each week.

If you are breastfeeding, it might be helpful to consider adjusting your sleep schedule to allow for more rest during the day, especially if you also breastfeed at night.

3. It might be helpful to consider seeking assistance from a third party.

It would be beneficial to have a satisfactory helper at home when the child is very young, especially since they are attached to their mother. This would allow the elderly and you to have enough rest time during the day.

If circumstances allow, hiring a postpartum helper for the first three months can be beneficial. This can help the whole family get a good night's sleep, which in turn can contribute to a more warm and harmonious atmosphere during the day.

4. Try to set a good example.

Your husband may simply need some guidance in learning to express his concerns and feelings towards his own parents-in-law. What can we do to help? We can provide him with the support and guidance he needs to learn and grow in this area.

It might be helpful to express our care and gratitude to our parents and in-laws, and perhaps consider buying small gifts or asking our husbands to bring some warm words to our parents, so that they can feel the care from their family.

It might be helpful to express ourselves at the table, especially when the family is eating together. If he doesn't know how to do something, it could be a good idea to show him.

I believe the key reason is that you are thinking for your husband, and your husband can also think for you from your perspective. As long as you care for each other and try to avoid misunderstandings and distance that might arise because of the children, your family will become happier.

We are grateful for your attention and hope that you found this information useful. If so, we kindly ask that you click the "Useful" button.

We warmly invite you to follow the WeChat public account of Yi Psychology, answered by Huang Xiaolu.

Hello. I can empathize with your feelings based on your description. It seems that your husband treats his parents and in-laws quite differently. As a wife, you are not pleased with your husband's actions, and as a daughter, you feel sorry for your parents' hard work and feel a sense of injustice towards them.

I can especially relate to your feelings of disappointment, dissatisfaction, and anger.

Perhaps it would be helpful to consider this situation from the perspective of a bystander. It seems that there are some differences in attitudes towards the way your parents care for the children, which may create a sense of imbalance and disconnection.

You feel that your parents have worked hard for your young family, yet their efforts have not been formally acknowledged by your husband. You are disappointed and frustrated, not just for yourself, but also for your parents, who feel that they are not valued by your husband. You feel that neither you nor your parents are valued by your husband.

From your perspective, it seems that your feelings deserve to be seen and understood.

If I might offer my analysis of your husband's behavior, I would suggest that it may be due to the following reasons:

1. It seems that your husband is indifferent and numb, without a grateful heart, and only cares about his own parents. It's understandable that he doesn't care about the feelings of his in-laws. However, from the way he treats his own parents, your husband is still considered a very filial person.

2. My husband is a reserved, unsociable person who is not particularly adept at expressing his feelings. It is understandable that he feels a natural closeness with his own parents, but a sense of boundary with his in-laws. This is a common phenomenon. We can also put ourselves in other people's shoes. It would be beneficial to consider whether we can face our parents and in-laws equally.

3. It can be challenging when you want to get close. You mentioned that your parents got up at 4 or 5 o'clock, or even 2 or 3 o'clock, to take over from your husband and do the job for more than a month, and they were actually very tired.

I wonder if it might be the case that when the husband is getting ready to go to work in the morning, both the parents and the baby are still asleep, and the husband feels uncomfortable saying hello?

4. It seems that the relationship with your in-laws is not yet as harmonious as it could be. You mentioned that you just had a baby not long ago, so I imagine that your husband is spending time with his in-laws under the same roof for the first time in quite some time. It might take him a little while to easily and naturally interact with them alone (without you present), for example, going to his parents-in-law's room to check on the baby, coaxing the baby, and chatting with them for a while.

For the reasons mentioned above, it is possible to develop a certain perspective on the situation. Which of the above situations does your husband seem to fit into? After considering these points, I would also like to offer some advice:

1. It may be helpful to learn to pay attention to your emotions. After the birth of your baby, you and your partner may feel both physically and mentally exhausted. It's important to remember that it's not only our bodies that need care, but also our emotions. It might be beneficial to try not to dwell on negative thoughts, but instead focus on happy and blissful things.

2. It would be beneficial to express gratitude to your own parents more often. They may be experiencing fatigue and difficulty, and your appreciation could make a positive impact.

It would be beneficial to consider that when your husband cares about your in-laws, it is also important to care about your own parents. It is crucial to ensure that our parents do not feel disappointed or let down. It is up to us to take the initiative in this regard. It is evident that parents do not necessarily prioritize their son-in-law's attitude, but a kind word from you can go a long way in making them feel valued.

3. Consider your husband's perspective. If you feel your husband is not as close to your parents as you would like, it might help to try to see things from their point of view. Could you treat your in-laws as closely as you treat your parents?

4. It might be helpful to talk to your husband about your feelings. If you feel that there's room for improvement in your husband's attitude towards your in-laws,

If you feel your husband could be more supportive of your in-laws, you might like to consider taking the initiative to communicate with him. Perhaps you could express your feelings and expectations of him, rather than criticizing or finding fault. It might help to know that even if he doesn't change, you'll at least have expressed your feelings.

I hope these suggestions are helpful. I wish you the best!

First, work on your relationship with yourself.

I'm glad you can feel your discomfort. If you can't deal with it, find a place in your body to put it. Then, let's feel it. Where is it, what kind of discomfort is it, and what is it trying to express? Meditation can help you become more aware of it. This discomfort is a part of us, so accept it.

Second, work on your relationship with your husband.

I think the part about non-violent communication in a previous friend's answer is good. Try that approach. First, try to understand your husband's actions. Maybe you will understand him differently after you communicate. I think what makes you feel bad is that your husband's actions make you feel that he doesn't value you and your parents. However, these feelings are what you feel after interpreting your husband's actions.

Why do you need your husband to thank your parents? What are you hiding? Does he have to thank them? I don't know. Maybe you do.

I wish you well.