At 30, with a strong sense of self-respect, always worried, and concerned about others' opinions, what should I do?

Dear questioner,

I'm Yi Ming, a heart exploration coach.

I'm happy to talk with you.

I hope this helps.

1. Think back and see what happened.

You said, "I don't know when it started, but I became self-restrained, stopped talking and smiling, and daydreamed all the time. Even if I was unhappy, I kept everything inside, swallowed my grievances, and had terrible sleep..." Can you remember anything else?

Or...

Or...

There's nothing wrong with being self-respecting, worrying a lot, and caring about what others think.

We all want other people's approval and care about what they think.

We need to find a balance between how others see us and being ourselves.

If we care too much about what others think, we will hide who we really are and be afraid to express our feelings. This will make us feel bad.

This can also damage relationships by blocking communication.

Know yourself. Know your strengths and weaknesses. When you accept your shortcomings, others' opinions are just feedback, not judgments.

We all do the same thing, and people have different opinions about us.

Knowing this, we won't be easily swayed.

We stop worrying about what others think.

Know yourself.

2. Learn to communicate with your husband.

You say, "My husband is tactless. He argues with me a lot and doesn't understand me. He doesn't care about me." Many of us face this problem after getting married.

Men and women are different.

Girls are emotional and want their husbands to understand and care for them.

Men are more rational and don't tend to soothe their wives' emotions, which creates conflict.

We are married, and it seems like it's the husband's problem.

To be happy, we can look at things differently and think about how to feel better.

Can we say what we need?

Please don't reason with me. I'm unhappy. I want you to cuddle me or praise me.

"I want you to buy me a gift."

The clearer and more specific our needs are, the easier it is to get them met.

Many girls expect their husbands to take the initiative to satisfy them. They feel it's wrong to say so. This may be a limiting belief.

A good man needs a woman.

Guide your husband instead of criticizing him.

Don't call yourself a failure.

As we grow up, we will face many problems.

You're aware and brave enough to ask for help. You're already changing.

This is a chance to grow.

You don't need to demand that you change. Instead, from now on, you should know that you are worthy of love and encourage yourself.

Tell him how you feel.

Tell your husband when you're upset.

3. If you think "a little bit of anything can affect my mood," take a step back and think about how you feel.

Our emotions are not triggered by events, but by how we perceive them.

That's why people have different emotions when faced with the same thing.

Consider different views.

When we're fragile, we daydream.

Afraid of what others think.

We will feel unhappy.

We are good and don't need others' opinions.

Keep a success journal. Write down things that went well, no matter how big or small.

Take your time and you'll find a method that suits you.

Read "It Turns Out That Understanding Is More Important Than Love."

Good luck!

Hello.

Host:

I am Zeng Chen, a heart exploration coach on the platform. I have carefully read the post, and I can clearly see the host's grievances and breakdown in the content.

Furthermore, the poster has courageously revealed their struggles and proactively sought assistance, which will undoubtedly facilitate a deeper understanding and recognition of themselves, enabling them to make necessary adjustments and embrace a more positive self-image.

Next, I will share my observations and thoughts in the post, which will help the poster view himself from a different perspective.

1. Tell me how you understand self-esteem.

From the post, it is clear that the poster has a strong sense of self-esteem, is a worrier, and cares about what other people think. I will now discuss with the poster what self-esteem is.

I'm going to tell you how I understand self-esteem.

When we talk about self-esteem, we have to talk about self-respect too.

Let me be clear: there is a difference between self-respect and self-esteem. Self-respect is a comprehensive evaluation of ourselves. Self-esteem is a kind of affirmation of our own value.

Self-esteem is a strong expectation that the outside world will respect us. It's about how the outside world treats us.

We must have external feedback to prove ourselves and our worth.

People with a strong sense of self-esteem often have a low sense of self-worth. The host can review his own level of self-acceptance.

The original poster also mentioned that he is a worrier and cares about what other people think. This leads to the question: is worrying about things an attempt to prove one's worth?

If others give us bad feedback, it does not mean we are bad or worthless.

The original poster needs to think about these things.

2. I want to know where self-esteem comes from.

The host can review his or her own growth experience. It's important to understand whether this strong self-esteem has been present since childhood. Factors such as growth experience, education, and social culture often influence our self-esteem.

This is particularly the case when we are young, as we lack the knowledge to know ourselves.

At this time, we must recognize ourselves through the evaluation of others and know ourselves through the degree of acceptance and liking others have for us. If the feedback we receive from others at this time is not good and we are not welcomed or liked, we must stand firm against such an evaluation and recognize our own value.

However, now that we have grown up, we have our own thinking system and the ability and resources to re-evaluate ourselves. We can look back on our own growth experiences and see if the feedback we received from others was objective and reasonable. And if it wasn't, we can decide for ourselves whether it was worth heeding.

We must examine whether they are influenced by culture or if it is due to their own limitations. As adults, we need to address these issues head-on.

We must recognize and understand ourselves this way and rebuild our objective internal evaluation of ourselves. This way, we will not care so much about what others think of us.

When other people's opinions come up, we will think about whether they align with who we are and, if they don't, we will dismiss them.

3. Accept yourself, warts and all.

Acceptance is the first step to improvement. We don't approve of ourselves because we don't think we're good enough.

We want to be the ideal version of ourselves. When the real version of ourselves cannot live up to the ideal version of ourselves, we feel frustrated and disappointed. These emotions may also constantly attack ourselves, making us feel useless. We must stop this cycle.

These self-attacks, in turn, constantly sap our energy. We must realize that we are all finite beings. If our energy is depleted, we will have no energy left to improve ourselves.

If you want to become better, you have to stop attacking yourself and accept the real you—the good and the bad.

Accept the part of yourself that you cannot change. Focus your energy and time on the part that you can change. Meet a better version of yourself. You will also become more and more confident and enter a positive cycle.

4. Try a new way of communicating.

The post observed the host's sense of grievance. Let's be clear: in a marriage, both parties often feel aggrieved.

Why is that? The post makes it clear that the poster expects her husband to understand her more, but her husband is more reasonable.

Men are good at this because men and women think differently.

Women want more understanding from their partners and are more emotionally oriented. Men tend to give advice more often.

It is rational and result-oriented. Consequently, at this time, both people may feel aggrieved.

It's time we learned a new way of communicating. They both feel that the other person doesn't understand them.

Read the book Nonviolent Communication. It will help you change your communication patterns and improve your relationship.

I am confident that these will be of some help and inspiration to you. However, I want to be clear that change cannot be achieved with a simple Q&A. You will need to continue learning and improving.

The host must also allow himself time and space. If you have any questions or require further communication, one-on-one support, or personal growth, click to find a coach!

Dear question asker,

After reviewing your inquiry, it is evident that you are experiencing a considerable degree of distress. To begin, I extend to you a gesture of empathy and support.

The issue that requires attention is as follows:

The subject is 30 years of age and exhibits a robust sense of self-esteem, a proclivity for worrying, and a tendency to prioritize the opinions and feedback of others.

2. Self-suppression, a reluctance to engage in verbal communication or express joy, an excessive expenditure of internal mental energy, and a lack of understanding regarding the management of emotions and negative sentiments.

3. She exhibits a tendency to internalize emotions, experiences sleep disturbances, displays a loss of self-confidence, and is susceptible to emotional influence.

4. There are communication difficulties with her husband, and she exhibits a lack of understanding and care. How can she regain her cheerful disposition?

A straightforward examination of the issue at hand reveals the following:

1. The questioner exhibits a robust sense of self-esteem, a proclivity for worrying, and a tendency to prioritize the opinions of others. It is plausible that the questioner was raised in a family setting where parents assumed primary responsibility for meeting their material needs. However, their parents held high expectations of them and provided only limited emotional support. This may have contributed to the development of a strong sense of self-esteem over time, a tendency to be apprehensive, a lack of emotional resilience, and a perception of fragility.

A robust sense of self-esteem can be conceptualized as a form of self-suppression. The individual may be driven by an apprehension of being perceived as vulnerable, leading to a tendency to consistently perform at a level superior to that of others. However, there is no finite limit to the pursuit of excellence, and there will always be instances where an individual may not achieve the level of performance expected of them. The individual burdened by emotional distress tends to maintain a singular focus on their own experiences and perceptions. Attending to the opinions and feedback of others can have a significant impact on their emotional state.

2. The questioner exhibits a tendency to engage in excessive self-reflection and ruminative thinking, which is a maladaptive coping mechanism. They place a disproportionate emphasis on the opinions and feedback of others, leading to an internalization of their emotions and a suppression of their own needs. While this behavior may appear to be non-problematic, it is, in fact, a self-centered and unhealthy mindset that hinders their ability to be of value to others.

It is essential to love your partner and love yourself first. If you do not love yourself, you are being selfish. It is futile to sacrifice your emotions; it will only exacerbate the situation.

3. In the event of a lack of self-expression and the withholding of genuine emotions, negative sentiments will accumulate, resulting in an overflowing of the emotional reservoir.

4. There are communication issues between you and your husband, and there are differences in the way men and women think. You can take the initiative to communicate about any problems. Perhaps the problem is that your husband is under a lot of work and life pressure, and sometimes ignores your feelings and is unaware of your inner world. Ineffective communication is another way of isolating yourself.

The solution is as follows:

(1) It is essential to organize one's emotions, accept them unconditionally, and be true to oneself, as it is impossible to please everyone.

(2) It is essential to love oneself, adjust one's mentality, and prioritize self-improvement. As long as one's current state is an improvement over the previous day, the opinions of others become irrelevant. One's existence is not contingent on the approval of others.

(3) It is imperative to discard all past baggage, exercise patience when communicating with one's husband, provide objective descriptions, express genuine emotions, and seek clarification.

(4) Cease the futile depletion of one's psychological reserves and refrain from excessive introspection.

(5) It is recommended that the individual engage in activities that serve to distract them from their negative emotions, such as completing homework assignments, going for a walk, reading, or planting flowers.

(6) It is unwise to attempt to control or internalize one's emotions. Given the limited amount of energy and inherent limitations of the human condition, it is futile to strive for such an endeavor. Instead, it is more beneficial to practice self-love.

(7) One should endeavor to move forward by forgetting the past and embracing a new beginning. This entails refusing to internalize emotions and instead prioritizing one's own feelings as the primary reference point. Additionally, it is possible to accept the opinions of others without undue attachment or concern.

(8) Those experiencing difficulties with the quality of their sleep may benefit from meditation prior to bedtime, guided meditation for sleep, focused breathing, and relaxation techniques. This approach can help individuals to manage negative emotions related to the past and future, allowing for a more restful night's sleep.

It is my sincere hope that my response will prove beneficial. I extend my best wishes for a speedy departure from the gloom and a warm welcome to the radiance of the sun. The world and I hold you in high regard.

Hello, question asker! I'm so happy to be able to answer your question.

From what the questioner has shared, it seems like the relationship with her husband is going through a rough patch. It's totally normal to feel this way! First, let's give the questioner a big hug and some much-needed support.

I really hope the questioner can get out of this bad state.

From what I can tell, the original questioner was a person with a very strong sense of self-esteem and a cheerful and lively person. It's so sad to see that they've become depressed recently. It's also clear that the questioner's intimate relationship is in a situation of poor communication.

It would be really helpful for you to communicate with your husband. It seems like he always argues with you, and I'm not sure if his arguments are based on reason or if he just wants to argue.

I'm so sorry you're going through this. I wish I could answer all your questions, but since this was asked on a platform, I can only answer some questions about the subject of the questioner's low mood and communication in intimate relationships.

It's so important to find the cause of your emotional changes, my friend.

The questioner said, "I don't know when it started, but I became really down, stopped talking and smiling, and spent all day daydreaming. Even if I was unhappy, I kept it all inside, swallowed my grievances, and had terrible sleep..." So when did this depression start?

I'm sure you can recall what happened that caused your mood to become so low. I'd love to hear what happened to you.

I'm so sorry you're feeling this way. I'd love to help you figure out what's going on. Is there something on your mind that's making you feel this way?

It's so important to be aware of the negative side of self-esteem, which is low self-esteem. It's something the questioner might want to think about. A strong sense of self-esteem can sometimes be a fear of failure. When you are confident in yourself, but are not affirmed or even denied, it can really affect your self-confidence.

It's so sad when people feel rejected. It can make them feel like they've failed, and that can really knock their confidence. It's so important to remember that nobody is perfect, and we all make mistakes.

People with a strong sense of self-esteem often have high standards for themselves and want to do everything well. They can be very hard on themselves when they make a mistake, because they don't want to let their self-esteem down. We all make mistakes, and things don't always go as we think, but it's important to remember that everyone is human and we all have our own unique journey.

The questioner can also notice if their self-esteem has been hurt or if they've been hurt in some other way.

Take a moment to think about the way you communicate with your husband.

The questioner laments, "We've been married less than a year, and my husband is so sweet, but he struggles to express himself. He always tries to reason with me, but whenever I say something, he'll say several things to argue with me. It's like he doesn't understand me at all. He doesn't care about me either, and I'm often wronged. I'm quite devastated..."

I'd love to know what mode of communication the questioner and her husband use! In Satir family systems theory, there are several modes of communication between spouses.

I'd like to take a moment to give you a quick introduction to this topic.

(1) The blaming type is trying to show that it's not their fault so that they can distance themselves from the stress. Blame-seekers tend to ignore the thoughts of others, value their own feelings, and follow rules and logic that benefit them.

(2) The hyperrational type is always looking at things from a rational point of view. They're very objective and only concerned about whether things are reasonable. They tend to avoid feelings, and they also avoid distress and pain caused by stress. The hyperrational type often ignores the feelings of others and their own feelings. They value the rationality of the situation above all else.

(3) Interrupting: It's okay, we've all been there! They'll interrupt you no matter what you're doing, ignore your emotions, avoid the issue, and never get to the point.

If you find yourself in one of the above modes when chatting with your husband, it might be a sign that your communication style could use a little work.

It would be really helpful for the questioner to think about what kind of communication mode they and their husband have, and what makes them feel uncomfortable. We all have an inner world that we don't see, like an iceberg where we can only see a very small part of the surface (behavior), while the larger part is hidden deeper and unseen.

It would be really lovely if the questioner and her husband could communicate with each other in a way that shows they pay attention to each other's emotions and feelings. It would also be great if they could communicate sincerely, taking into account the husband or the questioner and the situation.

So, how can we change our thinking to become strong and not be trapped by opinions when it comes to our self-esteem? I'm happy to give you a brief explanation!

Take a step back and look at the problem from an outside perspective.

It's so important to look at things from outside ourselves. Most people tend to be extremely emotional when faced with the comments of others. They feel pleased or elated when praised, and feel particularly ashamed and angry when criticized or belittled. If we can face all this without feeling it, what does it mean?

It means getting rid of those distracting emotions and looking at things from a place of clarity and objectivity. My approach is to figure out if the other person's opinion is based on evidence.

If a friend's comment has an impact on you and you start to doubt yourself, take a moment to ask yourself: Has my sense of beauty declined? What did I do wrong?

It would be really helpful to know what evidence can be referred to. What resources can help me better complete the event, and what specific references are there for these accusations?

It's okay to take a moment to pause and think. Sometimes, we need to temporarily suppress our emotions to figure out what's going on and see if there's something we haven't done properly.

As long as we take a moment to step outside our emotions and think about things from a higher level, we'll gain a different perspective. This will help us get things done more easily, gain the respect of others, and slowly but surely boost the questioner's self-esteem.

I really hope that, whether at work or in life, the questioner can have a better attitude towards everything around them. It would be great if they didn't get angry easily, didn't get too happy or sad, didn't dwell on the past, weren't distracted in the present, and didn't worry about the future. I really hope my answer can help you!

From your description, I can empathize with your situation. I can relate to the feeling of having closed yourself off emotionally and becoming overly concerned about what others think. I believe my current state is a result of my relationships not being as fulfilling as I would like.

It could be that your self-esteem, depression, or concern about what others think is caused by a lack of safety in your current situation. It may also be that you feel that the people around you do not accept you very much. For example, you mentioned that most people accuse, lecture, criticize, and interfere with you. You also said that your husband is clumsy with words and always argues with you.

If you remain in this environment for an extended period, you may find it challenging to express your true self. It's important to recognize that in order to protect yourself, you may have to suppress your true feelings and present a different version of yourself to the world. Over time, this can lead to feelings of isolation and a lack of love and care.

I can see that you currently feel a strong sense of powerlessness and disappointment in life. It seems that you may be disappointed in relationships, feeling powerless and vulnerable. In order to protect yourself, you may be holding on with all your might and forcefully swallowing your grievances and dissatisfaction.

I'm a little concerned about your current situation. If you continue to experience these issues over an extended period, it could lead to feelings of anxiety. The insomnia, random thoughts, and frequent waking up from dreams you've mentioned seem to be related to anxiety and challenges in your interpersonal relationships.

If you are financially comfortable, you might consider seeking out a counselor to talk about your story, to get things out that you can't tell people around you, and to help you get out of your current predicament with the help of the counselor's accepting power.

You might also consider taking some psychology courses. Many courses now have WeChat communities where you can meet people facing similar challenges. It can also be helpful to have the company of others when you're feeling lonely or powerless.

In summary, it would be beneficial for you to seek out relationships and people that nourish you, and establish accepting and inclusive relationships to facilitate your healing process. I wish you all the best.

Hello!

You seem frustrated because you can't find understanding and support in your marriage.

Dissatisfied with the relationship.

My husband is not good with words and prefers to reason things out. He is not emotionally intelligent.

You say, "I'm a failure," which is a sign of disappointment, and you turn to attack yourself.

[Emotion management]

Many people go through three stages on the path to emotional freedom.

(1) We feel responsible for others' feelings.

The other person is upset and doesn't understand us. We have to go along with their emotions.

(2) "Obnoxious": We ignore others' feelings and needs.

You can do what you want, talk your talk, and I can live my life.

(3) "Master of emotions" - We are responsible for our feelings and aware of others'.

I can control my emotions and see others' feelings.

What are your partner's feelings and needs when he talks sense to you?

Be lively and cheerful again.

You were lively and cheerful, and you were responsible for your own emotions.

Now that you're married, you'll support each other and interfere with each other.

Set boundaries and allow each other to have your own feelings and needs.

Your emotions will be free.

I'm Amy. I hope this helps!