Boyfriend says I caused trauma in past relationships and he has to deal with it?

Hello, dear host!

Everything happens for a reason! He missed out on getting to know you the first time around, which is why he suffered such a strong trauma.

If your previous relationship was absolutely perfect and ended on a really happy note, there's no need for you to have any contact with your current one.

It's totally understandable that the trauma of a failed previous relationship is a kind of pressure that only the current boyfriend can bear. If he can't bear it, it shouldn't be his responsibility. After all, he has no status, no qualifications, he is just a passer-by.

It's so hard when someone you love can't accept your past. It makes you wonder if they'll ever be able to trust you. We all need to be loved and cared for, especially after a heartbreak. It's only natural to want to find someone who will accept you for who you are and support you through life's ups and downs.

And most of all, to be valued.

I totally get where the other person is coming from. Nobody wants to see a relationship end in tears. The host's past is a bit broken, bless him – he had such beautiful fantasies about you!

If you are his first love, then his past has no romantic trauma, and his emotional experience is as pure as a blank piece of paper.

If you are both each other's first love, you can rest easy knowing that he doesn't have to worry about the following topics: what if your ex comes back to you, what if you and your ex get back together, what if past traumas trigger new ones, and he doesn't have the ability to protect you and comfort you.

If you are each other's first love, you can rest easy knowing that he doesn't have to consider the following topics: what if your ex comes back to you, what if you and your ex keep talking, what if the wounds of the past trigger new wounds, and he doesn't have the ability to protect you and comfort you.

There's another possibility, too. His parents might not be on board with him having a girlfriend. If they're influencing him, he might be torn between what he wants and what they want, and it might be really tough for him.

The above are all very simple ideas. The premise is that you are his first love, and there are other possibilities.

I really feel for you. I can imagine how awful it must be for you to think that the other person has had more romantic experiences than you and that they are hiding things from you and deliberately saying things like this. It's so unfair! It's like they are laying the groundwork for him to be the victim in advance, preparing an excuse for his future escape and withdrawal.

I think it would be best to part ways amicably, since he's not your Prince Charming and can't handle so much pressure. I'm sure you've tried your best to maintain a previous relationship, but it might take more than hard work and seriousness to make it work.

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Some more reliable and responsible boys will say to their girlfriends, "Oh, don't cry, sweetheart. Don't be sad. What's in the past is in the past. From now on, I'll spoil you, love you, and protect you. And I'll take the blame for everything. I was late, but I'm here now, and I'm sorry."

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(I've omitted the next 30 million characters, but please just imagine the rest of the comforting words in your mind.)

Love is such a wonderful thing, but it's also important to be able to weather the storms that life throws our way.

"My boyfriend says that the trauma caused by my past relationships is something he has to bear"... If he really cares about you, this remark is obviously a display of petulance (cutesy), trying to get you to care more about him.

I decided to play around and perfect his persona: I also like sweet, romantic love, and I envy that kind of simple first love. I haven't thought about the fact that I have to bear so much for my lover. These pressures that the heart shouldn't bear, oh, oh, oh, I'm such a man and I'm suffering so much.

This change of scenery is really exciting, isn't it? It's so important to face things together. If you're not a couple, you don't have to think about it so much or go through so much.

I think that one day, he'll make this choice. It'll depend on whether he'd rather be happy in the past or happy now. I'm sure he'll make the right decision for him.

It's up to him to decide whether to choose to escape and give up, or to choose to work hard and bear it, and love you more.

All the owner needs to do is love his partner like any ordinary lover would. If he feels your care and slowly gets used to you, the relationship can continue to be beautiful.

Good day, questioner.

My boyfriend states that the trauma caused by my past relationships is something he must accept. "His assertion causes me discomfort, and I am uncertain how to respond. I feel compelled to offer a response, but I am unsure of what to say." Let us collaborate to resolve this issue.

It is important to note that traumatic events can result in traumatic stress disorders, which typically manifest as prolonged periods of sadness, fear, and helplessness, accompanied by physical symptoms such as insomnia or pain. The severity of the stress disorder, its duration, and the nature of the traumatic event, as well as an individual's psychological resilience, whether or not they have sought psychological counseling or consultation, and other factors, are all interrelated.

It is important to consider whether the emotional wounds from a previous relationship have been fully healed before entering into a new one. Some individuals may rush into a new relationship without adequately processing their emotions or learning to let go of the breakup. This can result in them projecting their views of their former partner onto their current one or repeating the conflict from the previous relationship, leading to a subsequent breakup.

Specific words and actions of the other party in the relationship may evoke past negative experiences, leading to feelings of distrust, insecurity, and a sense of unworthiness. The other party may also perceive these feelings as projections and experience frustration.

It is challenging to hear the other person's words. At this juncture, it is crucial to identify the thoughts that arise. This necessitates self-awareness to understand the root cause of the discomfort and to address it effectively.

Due to the limited information available, only some common methods can be provided for your consideration. The suggestions are as follows:

(1) Reflect on your own actions and experiences in the context of your previous relationship.

What new insights did the dissolution of the relationship provide regarding your personal attributes and the type of partner who would be most suitable for you? It would be beneficial to reflect on these aspects.

(2) Move on from past experiences.

It is time to move on from past relationships and focus on healing any emotional wounds that may have been caused. It is important to understand that a failed relationship does not reflect negatively on you as an individual. It simply means that the two people involved were not compatible with each other, or that one person's shortcomings (character, temperament, or abilities) were not accepted by the other.

Do not allow a failed relationship to negatively impact your self-esteem or your perception of men.

(3) Investigate your own patterns of intimacy.

The pattern of intimacy is influenced by the dynamics observed in the original family unit. This pattern is often carried over into subsequent intimate relationships, where discrepancies in the expression of love and affection may lead to feelings of hurt and disappointment.

When you express your dissatisfaction or opinion about something to your partner, and instead of accepting and comforting you, they accuse you, you will once again experience the helplessness brought on by a failed relationship. This may be remembered by our body as the painful feeling when we were scolded by our parents as a child (our body never forgets the wounds we have suffered and remembers better than our brain). At this time, your mind goes back to your younger self. In the face of a powerful parent, what can you say? This may be the reason for your pain and not knowing what to say.

(3) Learn to communicate your (or the other person's) feelings, emotions, and needs effectively.

When we recognize that the pain stems from childhood experiences that have been reactivated, we can remind ourselves that we are capable of expressing our feelings and stating our needs. At the very least, we can communicate our feelings and emotions: "When you say things like that, it makes me feel like it's all my fault, and it makes me feel bad."

"Alternatively, you could inquire as to why the other person said that, and whether they felt aggrieved."

"Mutual communication is an effective conflict resolution tool.

The book Intimate Relationships provides insight into the nature of marital conflicts and strategies for their resolution. If you are interested, we encourage you to explore it further.

Please note that the above suggestions are for your reference only.

Best regards,

All individuals serve as sources of illumination, whether they are posing inquiries or responding to them. Through the use of language, they possess the capacity to shed light on the inner lives of others, a power that is inherent to all of us.

Greetings, I am Xin Tan, also known as Coach Fly. I empathize with your feelings of sadness, grievance, and anger. It is imperative that individuals in romantic relationships demonstrate understanding and trust towards one another.

Let us consider the issue of physical contact from a distance as a means of facilitating a joint examination of the problem.

?1. What emotions are you experiencing as a result?

In an intimate relationship, both parties have needs. For example, the subject in question longs to feel secure, valued, and cared for by the object of her affections. The object's words have hurt the subject's feelings, making her feel unappreciated, disrespected, and, worst of all, uncared for and neglected.

He perceives you as a person with a troubled past and is reluctant to assume responsibility for it, despite the current state of your relationship.

His emotional state is a result of his unmet needs, as previously mentioned. Given your grievances and anger, and in light of your needs, such as a sense of security and being noticed/valued, it is necessary to consider alternative avenues for meeting these needs.

The expectations that individuals hold of others are, in fact, the consequence of unmet needs that originated from parental figures during their formative years.

Let us now turn our attention to the motives behind his actions.

While there are objective standards of right and wrong with respect to behavior, the underlying motivation for that behavior is subject to interpretation.

The statements made by your boyfriend may have caused you distress, and it is evident that he did not fully consider your feelings. However, it is important to recognize that his intentions were ultimately well-meaning. For instance, he is hoping that you can move forward, fully let go of the past, and demonstrate to him the person he expects you to be.

It is important to distinguish between the behavior and the identity of the individual in question. Given the existence of disparate positions and modes of thought, it is inevitable that the vocabulary employed to express them will vary.

The meaning that is conveyed may be interpreted differently by each individual, resulting in a discrepancy between what is understood and what is expressed.

Therefore, it is imperative that communication be reinforced when conflicts and arguments arise.

3. Effective Communication

One may desire to express a particular opinion or sentiment, yet lack the requisite vocabulary or linguistic skills to do so effectively. In such instances, it is imperative to collaborate with the other party in order to identify a mutually satisfactory resolution. To this end, it is essential to ascertain the context in which the statement was made, as well as the preceding and subsequent circumstances.

It is not possible to make any judgments or decisions based on a single sentence.

It is essential to adopt a perspective that is empathetic and understanding of the other person's intentions. This requires expressing one's views and feelings in a more clear and concise manner. It is crucial to comprehend the other person's perspective and convey it with emotional resonance. This will facilitate reaching a consensus and collaborative problem-solving.

It is not a simple process to fall in love, and it is even more challenging to maintain a harmonious relationship when there are differences in interests, hobbies, living habits, and various concepts that require compromise. Each individual has their own unique past, and their past does not necessarily align with their partner's experiences. To ensure a successful and mutually beneficial relationship, it is essential to have understanding, trust, and respect, as well as a willingness to grow and adapt.

"If Only I Knew Before Marriage" provides insight into the processes of falling in love and conducting a pre-marriage investigation. It is my hope that this text will prove beneficial to the reader.

It is my sincere hope that the aforementioned information has provided you with a new perspective, a greater number of options, and that you will accept my love for you and the world.

Should you wish to pursue the discussion further, you are invited to click on the "Find a coach" link, which can be found in the upper right-hand corner or at the bottom of the page. I will engage with you on a one-to-one basis, communicating and developing our relationship in a personal and direct manner.

I hope my answer is helpful.

It's clear you love your boyfriend. When he said he needed to deal with the trauma from your past relationships, you felt bad. This is normal and shows you care about him. You don't want him to deal with the trauma from your past relationships, right? What bothers you now is how to answer him. You want to say something, but you don't know how. This is part of the growth we need in our relationship. We need to learn to communicate with each other effectively and sincerely. This won't hurt your relationship and will help it grow.

My advice to you is this:

It's important to communicate well, express your true feelings and needs, as well as your expectations and requests of him.

Sometimes in a relationship, our feelings can run deep. We have expectations and desires for the other person, as well as needs. We don't always express these, and sometimes we even want the other person to guess, hoping they'll understand us without us saying anything. But if we don't express it, the other person definitely won't know. So it's really important to express yourself and communicate.

You don't need to explain anything. Just tell him how you feel. For example, you could say, "X, you said I need you to bear the trauma caused by my past relationships. I'm really sad, painful and aggrieved after hearing that. I need your love and understanding, as well as your support and recognition. I hope we're standing together, not very far apart. It's precisely because I love you and care about you so much that I really don't want you to be sad and uncomfortable because of me. So, please also tell me specifically how you feel and what you need, and what exactly you want me to do?"

After lots of back-and-forth, I think you'll have a better grasp on each other and your relationship will be stronger and more in sync.

2. We need to work through the trauma caused by past relationships and let go of past feelings.

I think your boyfriend must have gone through some things before he came to these conclusions. We can use this as an opportunity to reflect on the parts of ourselves that need to grow.

We can deal with the wounds caused by past relationships in some way so that they no longer have such a strong impact on us.

Generally speaking, you need to be brave enough to acknowledge and accept the pain caused by past emotions. Only when you face the pain head-on can you find the meaning of these pains in your life. For example, you'll then know what your main needs in a relationship are and you'll be clearer about what kind of person is more suitable for you, etc., so that you can let go of these pains. At the same time, you need to repair the relationship and gain new experiences in the new relationship.

For instance, if you lacked trust in a previous relationship, you can rebuild that trust in your current one. You can also learn how to manage and maintain intimacy in your relationship. This will help you feel the trust and sincerity between you and your boyfriend, establish your trust in him, and also establish your own trust in yourself.

Additionally, you should fully disengage from all previous relationships. If you don't fully disengage, you'll still be affected by those relationships. One way to do this is to write a letter. When writing, express all your feelings and emotions, and finally, end the letter by saying: "From now on, I want to fully disengage from these relationships and feelings. I am grateful for their appearance in my life, but I am now going to start a new journey and I will find my own beautiful happiness!"

3. There are lots of ways to express yourself. Sometimes, when you're not sure what to say, you can use other methods to get your message across to your boyfriend.

Often, when you're unsure how to express yourself verbally, you can use other forms of communication.

For instance, you could send him a message with some cute, love-filled emojis; you could also sing a love song to express your feelings; you could also buy him some gifts that he likes and show him how much you care; you could also give him a deep, affectionate hug, which is also a very good way to express yourself...

Love has many languages, and learning how to love is an ongoing process. I suggest reading "Managing Intimate Relationships," "Intimate Relationships," "The Five Languages of Love," "Nonviolent Communication," "The Art of Communication," and "Critical Communication."

I hope this is helpful to you, and I wish you well!

Hello.

I empathize with the questioner's frustration, anxiety, and helplessness.

"My boyfriend says that I have to let him take responsibility for the trauma caused by my past relationships."

I want to know what the past traumas are.

He needs to take responsibility for this.

If your boyfriend is impulsive and unable to understand your feelings when he is emotional, you need to take control and help yourself. This is something you need to think about and grow from, and you are doing just that.

Given this, it's clear that the questioner is seeking help and that their emotional collapse is severe. So, I'm asking you: are you okay?

Give yourself a little hug.

The questioner should avoid immediately going to their boyfriend to communicate when they are emotionally exhausted. This will help avoid being stressed by other words during an argument.

There's a reason why past relationships didn't work out. The questioner is processing this on their own, and in a new relationship, they deserve to be nourished and cared for with love, not ignored or blamed.

You'll only make things worse if you try to control everything.

In a relationship, two people must work together and maintain a sense of proportion in their love.

It's a flowing circle, mutually reconciling.

Your boyfriend's feedback shows he's emotional and feeling pressure. Be aware of whether you're being cautious or rushing headlong into a relationship because you're still afraid of losing it.

Don't let him see that inferiority complex.

Asking for help shows him you value the relationship and want him to understand you don't want to be manipulated.

If you don't want to repeat similar pains again and again, we need to do something about it.

Develop your own interests and focus on your own things when your boyfriend is not around.

Take control and solve a small problem on your own. Reclaim your confidence and be proud of yourself.

Get a pet with your boyfriend and take responsibility for your life together.

Read the book with your boyfriend and share your thoughts on it. Or study a recipe together and cook with a division of labor.

Your boyfriend needs to understand the causes of his emotions and interact and express himself more fluently with you when he loses his temper.

From the description, it's clear he needs time and space.

We also make sure we understand his autonomy.