Divorced, after struggling for a year, things settled, but I feel lost. What should I do?

Dear questioner, My name is Duo Duo Lian, and I really hope my reply can support you in some way.

It's been over a year since you and your ex-husband divorced. During this time, you've been on and off. Your ex-husband gave you the car and the house on the grounds that he owed you money. He also enjoys the freedom of being single and living a double life, which has caused you a lot of suffering. Finally, when you are about to end this relationship, you feel empty and lost. I want to give you a hug.

My dear friend, I know you have been through so much in the past year or so. I don't know how you have managed to get through it all. You have children and your ex-husband is financially supporting you. After so many years of relationship, it is hard to cut ties. Ending it means starting over again. I know you are not ready for it yet, and I know you don't know how to deal with the pressure from all sides.

It's natural to want to stay in a place you know and love. Even if there are arguments and a sense of security, there are also expectations. There's always hope that the ex-husband will come back. And there's also an internal struggle: Am I not good enough? Am I not worthy?

I know it can be tough to feel like you're not as good as the other person. It's natural to have these feelings, but you're worth it!

You also know that breaking up will be much less complicated and there will be no financial pressure. Your ex-husband owes money to others, and he has to pay it back. After all, the debt was incurred during the marriage. Whether you bear the responsibility or not, you are torn between revenge and guilt.

I'm sure your ex-husband was under a lot of pressure too, not informing you of his financial situation in time, and having to face everything alone. It must have been really tough for him. He has nothing, and he has to survive on nothing. He has to eat the fruit of his own actions, and only he knows the taste.

Rest well, my dear, and live your life. What's done is done, and life is about experience. You deserve to be happy, and I'm sending you all my love.

Wishing you all the best!

Dear Sir/Madam, I am writing to express my gratitude for your words, which I find to be a form of communication that is as personal as a face-to-face meeting. Kind regards,

I am aware that typing these words may evoke a range of emotions, including sadness and pain. From my observation, it seems that you are consistently striving to reach the conclusion of your divorce. This has led me to reflect on the notion that "to forgive someone is not to forgive once, but to forgive again every time you think of it."

"I am aware that leaving him would result in less emotional entanglement and internal conflict, as well as financial stability. However, when I recognize the impossibility of doing so, I experience a sense of emotional emptiness and a feeling of being incomplete." I understand that you have shared many positive experiences and that you were once a happy couple. When you reflect on the past, it can evoke a certain unease.

It is not uncommon to feel adrift after a divorce, particularly if the relationship in question was long-term. The following tips may assist in coping with these emotions:

1. It is important to allow yourself the time and space to experience these emotions, and to avoid repressing or avoiding them. Accepting the loss and sadness that accompany this process is an essential part of recovery.

2. Prioritize your physical and mental health. Ensure you get sufficient rest, maintain a balanced diet, and engage in regular exercise.

Additionally, you may wish to consider engaging in some relaxing activities, such as meditation, yoga, or reading.

3. Rebuild your life. Prioritize the development of your personal interests and goals.

It is important to identify new goals and aspirations and to work towards achieving them in a structured and incremental manner. This approach can assist in re-discovering one's own value and meaning.

4. Establish a support system. Disclose your feelings to friends and family and request their assistance and understanding.

You may also wish to consider joining a support group or seeking professional psychological counseling, as they can provide more specific help and guidance.

5. Cultivate a positive mindset: Focus on the positive and cultivate an attitude of gratitude. Identify and record instances of positive progress throughout the day to help maintain a constructive outlook.

As an illustration, the platform offers a mindfulness practice whereby users record two or three things each day that elicit feelings of gratitude or inspiration.

I recall that Xu Zhimo pressured Zhang Youyi to terminate her pregnancy and divorce her so that he could pursue a relationship with Lin Huiyin. Years later, Zhang Youyi reflected on the impact of this decision in her autobiography, noting that it had led to personal growth and self-discovery.

"He provided me with the freedom to become a different person."

Additionally, when I viewed "The First Half of My Life" some time ago, I was impressed by Zijun's grasp of life's nuances. The most effective way to move on from a relationship is to take the initiative and move forward, and the ideal form of retribution is to achieve a higher level of happiness than before.

I would like to make a film recommendation that I hope will be of assistance to you.

In the book "Eat, Pray, Love," the protagonist was suddenly divorced and unsure of her next steps. She embarked on a journey to find herself, tasting fine food in Italy, learning about spiritual practice in India, and falling in love again in Bali. She had never fully taken care of herself before, and along the way, she sought inner balance but was afraid of losing it again when she fell in love with someone else. The Balinese witch doctor advised her that sometimes, losing balance for the sake of love is also part of balance.

This is a practice that requires a lifetime to master. It is not about finding a partner to achieve happiness; rather, it is about learning to love life and find happiness within yourself, even when you are alone.

This is the integration of knowledge and action, and I wish us a lifetime of success and happiness.

Dear friend, Betrayal and complex emotions in a marriage are confusing. I understand your pain. Betrayal and loss in a marriage breakdown are painful.

Divorce is the end of a relationship, but it does not mean the end of life. It is normal to feel as you do because you have invested your true feelings, and now you need time to heal.

After a traumatic event, you may go through stages of denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance. You may be feeling loss and emptiness right now, which is part of the normal grieving process.

When someone you were going to build a future with leaves you, you can feel lost and empty. This can make you feel like you've lost your identity and role. Everyone deals with this differently.

Your experience has hurt you. You still have complex emotions about the relationship. You may want to end it but have difficulty letting go.

This emotional tug-of-war is normal. It reflects your nostalgia for the past and your uncertainty about the future. The emptiness and loss you are feeling may be because you are going through a major life transition.

Your obsession with "home" is linked to feelings of security, belonging, and identity. Losing your home can be very upsetting. Give yourself time to process this.

These are normal. Don't suppress them. Allow yourself to feel lost, angry, or sad.

Give yourself time to feel and express your emotions.

Your ex-husband's behavior may be a way for him to deal with his personal problems. His debt problems may have made him feel powerless and ashamed, which may have led to some contradictory decisions.

This isn't about justifying your ex-husband's behavior. It's about understanding why he acted the way he did. If you need to set boundaries with your ex-husband, it will help you start a new life.

Now, you need to focus on your emotional recovery. We can help you find new interests and passions and discover who you are and what you want.

Think about the future and set new goals to look forward to.

Healing takes time. Don't rush into big decisions. Your feelings and happiness matter.

Believe in yourself. You can get through this and become stronger.

Every effort deserves recognition. Feedback, attention, and praise are incentives.

This kind of feedback is like spring rain, giving us motivation to do our best.

Recommended book: The Power of Self-Care.

Hello, question asker. Reading your words is like meeting you in person.

After reading all this, I can see how frustrated you are. You two got divorced in August of the previous year, but you fought for a year until everything was settled. During this time, you had to deal with all the complications with him and the resulting range of emotions. It must have been really tough for you.

Let's talk about what happened.

You said that initially, you found a condom on him. He explained that he had a sudden urge during a social gathering but didn't act on it. You didn't believe him and ended the marriage. During the cooling-off period, he said he didn't have it and that you'd find out the reason someday. After reading this, I have a few questions:

1. How long did it take you to decide to divorce him after you found out he was carrying the forbidden object?

2. How much do you believe the explanation he gave when they got married?

3. What were you hoping to achieve by arguing with him all the time?

The above three points are meant to tell you that in relationships, expectations lie behind most behaviors. You can only find out why you feel so lost when a relationship ends by looking at your own expectations.

Then you said that last March, he was forced by you to rent a room, and then less than a month later, he found a girlfriend again, but you didn't know about it and were still arguing with him. However, it seemed like his attitude was indifferent, and it wasn't until mid-June that you found out from other people that he had a girlfriend. Reading this, I had a few questions:

1. What's causing you to feel so despairing?

2. What's holding you back from moving on?

The above two points are meant to help you see the child inside you who feels insecure. So, if you could have a chat with the child inside you, what would you say to her?

Also, I didn't see in the description what you two specifically experienced from deciding to be together to deciding to get married. However, I can see that you clearly perceive your own sense of loss in this relationship and understand how much you value and are reluctant to let go of this relationship.

It's not easy to end a relationship you've invested a lot in, but you've handled this situation with courage.

You value relationships enough, and this is the biggest plus I see in you. I hope you can continue to do so in the future and use it to build a strong support system.

I don't know what you'll choose in the future because there's no right answer to this question. You're one of the people involved in this relationship, so you have more say and decision-making power than anyone else.

Healing from a broken heart is a long process, but when you are willing to face this experience head-on, you'll have given yourself a chance to move on. You've already taken a solid first step.

Here are some specific things to think about in terms of how to respond:

1. What does a "secure" relationship look like to you?

2. Do you have any partners in your support system who can make you feel like you did in this relationship?

3. What are your future aspirations?

I hope these three points will give you a bit of a boost as you adjust to this new situation.

By the way, I don't know how old your daughter is, but I hope she can give you all the strength you need during your recovery.

Take care of yourself and your daughter. Hopefully we'll meet again someday.

I would like to share a saying with the original poster: It is more painful for a person to live in the past than to live in the present. Being obsessed with the past prevents one from moving forward and leads to depression and discontent. Therefore, at critical moments, one needs to take the initiative to find a new direction and goal.

It is not always possible to let go of people and things that we have formed an attachment to. However, we must be aware that this attachment can sometimes prevent us from moving forward.

It is unclear when this perception began, but it seems that there is a common belief that the happiness and well-being of a family is contingent on the number of people in it, rather than on the quality of the relationships within it. This is akin to the traditional view of a family unit, where the mere presence of a mother and father is sufficient, regardless of the nature of their relationship. The older generation often asserts that all families experience challenges and that it is not uncommon for there to be instances of domestic violence or infidelity. They often suggest that these actions are often driven by impulse rather than intention and that, for the sake of the children and the family, it is important to demonstrate understanding and tolerance. This perception has led to a distorted understanding of family dynamics, where the mere presence of a family member is seen as justifiable, regardless of the quality of their relationship with others.

It is often the case that our blind tolerance allows others to believe that their actions are justified. It is therefore important to have a clear set of principles and a defined bottom line in life. We should focus on what is important and let go of what is not. It is often the case that some people are not worth the effort and it is better to be straightforward and avoid wasting time on unproductive relationships.

2. You have invested a great deal of effort in this endeavor, and it is prudent to move on from those aspects of it with which you have no regrets.

The reason for the original poster's inability to let go is due to the presence of illusions, namely the belief that the other person's actions were merely a temporary mistake. In the interest of the family and the children, as well as seeking assurances from the other person, the original poster initially believed the other person's claims. However, when the original poster's guard was lowered, the other person relapsed and took further actions. It is important to note that if the other person truly had remorse, he would have corrected his actions. This is because he is also holding out hope that he can get away with it, believing that the original poster will not completely ignore him. The other person has effectively figured out the original poster, which is why he is acting so recklessly.

If a situation is untenable, it is advisable to extricate oneself from it. Some individuals do not provide mutual support, but rather, they offer understanding and assistance. In the absence of an appreciation for the value of a relationship, there is no benefit in exerting pressure to maintain it. From a personal standpoint, the questioner has a clear desire to ensure the wellbeing of their daughter and avoid a situation where she might suffer at the hands of a partner. From a professional perspective, it is important to prioritize personal growth and development in order to enhance one's professional capabilities and achieve a higher level of success.

My name is Mo Xiaofan, and I am a Heart Exploration coach. If you have any concerns or wish to discuss something, you may contact me via the Heart Exploration service on your personal page.

Dear Sir/Madam, From your words, I understand that you have experienced significant challenges. Your former spouse provided you with hope, but then caused you to experience despair. Best regards, [Your name]

This is a challenging process. However, once you have made the decision to end the relationship, you will experience a range of emotions, including loss and depression. This is an important step in acknowledging the impact of the relationship's end.

This also signifies the commencement of the grieving process associated with the dissolution of the marriage. The subsequent analysis is presented in the hope that it will prove beneficial.

The desire for a relationship outweighs the desire for a quality relationship.

For individuals who lack a sense of inner security, a poor relationship may be preferable to no relationship at all. How might this be explained?

For example, after a divorce, a former spouse may still be in regular contact and engage in frequent disagreements. The conflict has not been resolved, and arguing is a way to maintain the relationship. There is an ongoing outlet for expressing anger, which avoids the need to suppress it. There is also an ongoing opportunity to argue and to keep in touch. Even though the marriage has ended, there may still be a sense that it has not been fully resolved.

You still have a designated space in your emotional landscape that is occupied by that relationship.

Furthermore, when a relationship is terminated, the individual in question may experience a sense of loss and a sense of being left with an unoccupied seat.

During this period, you may experience feelings of emptiness, loneliness, and loss. By loss, we refer to something that you previously had but have now lost completely and no longer possess.

It is important to note that experiencing feelings of emptiness and loss is a normal part of the grieving process. There is no need to doubt these feelings; they are a natural response to a significant loss.

It is important to understand the reasons behind your continued involvement in this relationship. Do you feel a lack of security? Have you had positive experiences in the past and are reluctant to move on because you miss the good times?

Or, perhaps, you are concerned about the prospect of living alone. These factors may result in emotional conflicts and hesitation when addressing marital issues.

Mourning and saying goodbye are the first steps in a new beginning.

It may be advisable to allow yourself to grieve the loss that has occurred. This is a natural process that should be allowed to run its course.

It is only after a period of mourning and the finalization of past relationships that one can fully disengage from a marriage and move on from the pain caused by an ex-spouse's infidelity.

Once sufficient mourning has occurred, you will be able to begin your new life. It is important to focus your energy and attention on your current life, spend more time with friends, establish new connections, and make new friends.

It is possible that you will meet with another relationship.

My name is Zhang Xianli, and I am a counselor. I extend my best wishes to you and the world at large. I hope you will experience pain, but I also hope you will welcome happiness.

Hello, my name is Coach Yu, and I would love to chat with you about this topic.

It's sad when two people who once loved each other can't get past the difficulties in their relationship. But, people can't stay stuck forever. If one person is feeling too tired and disappointed and realizes that the relationship isn't helping them grow, and they've tried other ways to handle it, they can leave the relationship.

I totally agree with the original poster! Leaving will be much less complicated and stressful, and there will be no financial pressure.

But in real life, even though the relationship has ended with the divorce, I just can't let go of it. I try to comfort myself by telling myself it's okay, but I'm still struggling to deal with the end of the relationship psychologically. As the questioner wrote, when I really know that there is no possibility, I feel a bit empty inside, like a piece is missing, and I feel very lost...

It's so important to achieve a true psychological closure of the intimate relationship. This doesn't just help us to renew ourselves and see ourselves clearly, but it also helps to enlighten all our important relationships and help us face them better.

The first thing we need to do is accept this inevitable emotional experience, which is a real loss and end. It's okay to feel sad, but we can also celebrate the new beginnings that come with moving on.

It can be really helpful to make some practical and physical divisions, such as getting rid of things that always remind you of your ex, photos, souvenirs, etc. You could also change the layout of the room to create a brand new sense of environment and space.

It's also important to try to face up to the ending of the relationship, say goodbye to the old self, and make room in our hearts for the new self to grow. For example, you could ask yourself: What were my feelings when I filed for divorce?

It's so important to ask yourself these questions. What does losing him mean to you? What other feelings do you have about this relationship?

It's so important to remember what the scenes were like at the time. You can record and organize these memories and feelings in a way that's comfortable for you. Which feelings and emotions are triggered by the divorce, and which are amplified by past experiences? Your writing is only for yourself, so please feel free to write about your feelings honestly and openly. This will help us understand the origin and impact of our emotions, and also help us clarify the root of the problem.

At last, you can perform a little ritual to formally announce the end of the relationship to yourself. You could write a letter to yourself, for instance, or go to nature and let out your voice.

The next step is to find new meaning in the end of the relationship.

It's also a good idea to ask ourselves, "Have I gained anything unexpected after the divorce? If so, what is it?"

It's also a good idea to think about whether divorce has changed how you see love and values.

We can also ask ourselves, "What did I do in my marriage with my ex-husband that may have led to the divorce?" And, "Has my view of myself changed in any way?"

Has your heart and mind been opened up to any new insights about love?

We allow ourselves the occasional pull and loss, slowly accepting and slowly saying goodbye. It's so important to respect your own emotional rhythm.

When we're back in our current single life and we're still feeling a little low, we can ask ourselves something like, "What does this remind me of? It's not true!"

When we start to accept our emotions and let them flow, it'll be much less likely that we'll act out due to emotional repression.

If you're struggling with this, it's okay to ask for help. It's not always easy to overcome things on our own. Try to find a family member or friend you trust and who has always given you positive support to talk to. If you feel the need, you can also find a counselor or a support group. It's important to express our emotions to relieve the heaviness and blockage in our hearts.

We also need to relax, don't we? On weekends, we can go out with our daughter to listen to the frogs croaking in the rice fields, smell the birds chirping and the flowers blooming, and stay happy. At the same time, we can enrich ourselves by reading and exercising, because life is a cycle. You will tie it and untie it.

I'd highly, highly recommend this book: Live a Life that Blossoms.

I'm sending you a hug!

It is not uncommon to feel lost and empty in the midst of emotional ups and downs and changes in your life after a divorce. Your situation involves multiple emotional, financial, and family dimensions, which can make it challenging to navigate these emotions and decide on future steps. Here are some suggestions to help you cope during this difficult time:

1. It is important to accept your feelings after a divorce. It is normal to experience a range of emotions, including sadness, anger, loss, and confusion. Give yourself time to experience these feelings and try not to suppress or ignore them.

2. **Seek support**: It can be helpful to talk to friends and family about your feelings, and if needed, you might consider seeking professional counseling. Sometimes talking to someone who understands can provide great comfort and insight.

3. **Set boundaries**: Tensions and arguments with your ex can increase your emotional stress. You may find it helpful to set clear boundaries and reduce contact with him, as this can help you to recover and grow personally.

4. **Focus on self-growth**: This period may be an opportunity to focus on your own growth and development. This could include cultivating hobbies, planning career development, or improving personal health.

5. **Financial planning**: Now that you know your ex-husband's financial situation, it might be helpful to take a fresh look at your own financial situation and create a viable budget and plan. If needed, you might consider seeking help from a financial advisor.

6. **Psychological adjustment**: You might find it helpful to try some relaxation and stress-reduction activities, such as yoga, meditation, or walking. These activities can help you adjust your mindset and reduce anxiety and stress.

7. Consider ways to rebuild your self-confidence. One approach could be to set small goals and work towards achieving them.

It is important to remember that your value is not determined solely by your marital status or the actions of others.

8. **Keep hope**: Although it may feel challenging at the moment, with time, things will change. It's important to keep an open mind to the possibilities of the future and to believe that you can find happiness and contentment.

It is important to remember that everyone's emotional recovery process is different and there is no fixed timetable. It is beneficial to allow yourself time and space to heal, and to avoid rushing the process.

When you feel ready, you will know what to do next.