Do you always feel pain in your mind because of your friends?

Hello. I have read your question carefully and I believe you are a thoughtful individual who likes to think and see the good in others. However, I am curious as to why a lack of alignment in thinking causes you such distress.

Let's move on.

I used to be troubled by this question too. I wanted a kindred spirit, someone I could really talk to about everything. But I was unconsciously imprisoning others because of my perfectionism. I made myself very uncomfortable because the gap between reality and expectations made me feel bad.

Think about it this way: if someone is excellent in every way, and you like and admire them very much, and they still want to be like-minded with you, then you are shaping them into your ideal self. TA is TA, they are not someone else, and they are not you!

I suggest you refer to the following ideas to adjust your friendship model.

1. Know your friends and their different types.

Friends come in all shapes and sizes. You may form friendships with colleagues at work because of the cooperative relationship and discuss work-related matters more often. You have some hobbies, so you may unexpectedly meet friends with similar interests in clubs and other settings. You may also have the opportunity to meet friends with whom you have common ground in other areas. These types can also overlap with each other. You may have common interests and hobbies with your colleagues. Even a friend can overlap in several fields. However, almost no friend can cover all the fields you are interested in. This is the uniqueness of people. If we understand it, we can naturally let go.

Seek personal growth.

We find that, unlike friends, there is indeed a sense of loss. However, if you change your thinking, it is not painful. In fact, you see the strengths of others and can continue to learn and improve yourself. Even if you and your friends are really very different, friends who seek common ground while reserving differences and come together have a more different-dimensional collision and complement each other. The benefits outweigh the fact that the two are very similar. When values collide, the process of thinking about why others' ideas are limited and why your own ideas are more reasonable is in itself a very meaningful process. If you explore the reasons behind it and think from their standpoint, you can understand but not agree. If someone else's values really touch your bottom line, you make a choice between your values and theirs and decide on one. It is also a courageous exercise.

I am confident that this will be helpful.

Frequently, our difficulties originate from our aspiration to alter others and our desire to exert control over others. However, it is important to recognize that other individuals and circumstances are inherently uncontrollable. Demanding outcomes from uncontrollable entities and situations may ultimately prove to be self-defeating.

The concept of the three categories of things in this world—God's business, the rain and the wind, which we cannot control; other people's business, which they decide, which we cannot control; and the only thing we can control is our own business, our own emotions—is a useful one to bear in mind. When we realize that we are the masters of our own business, other people are the masters of their business, and God decides on God's business, we will not have so many worries.

In regard to your situation, it is important to recognize that although you hold a strong affinity for this individual, she is not an extension of you. It is not feasible for her to embody your idealized version of herself, and there are aspects of her personality that you cannot fully comprehend. At this juncture, it is essential to reflect on the expectations you have for a friend.

Is 100% compatibility even a realistic expectation?

I believe you are aware of the answer, but I am curious as to why you have expectations of this person.

The source of discomfort is the desire to alter the internal characteristics of another individual. It is acceptable to entertain this notion; it is a personal right. However, when one recognizes the impossibility of achieving this desire, one must nevertheless persist in its pursuit, resulting in self-inflicted distress. This is also a legitimate personal right, but what is the objective of exercising this right?

The question is whether it is possible to maintain a relationship with someone who does not fully align with our expectations.

It would be prudent to establish clear boundaries in the relationship. Would it not be beneficial to view the relationship from a distance? It is possible to like someone without liking all of their characteristics. Similarly, it is possible for others to like certain characteristics of a person without liking them as a whole.

I would be interested to hear your thoughts on this matter.

Hello, question asker! I'm Jia Ao, not looking for anything.

I can see the issues you've been facing on the platform. Are you struggling to maintain a friendship? You mentioned that you and your friend don't see eye to eye, that you truly value and like her, and want to have in-depth conversations with her, but find it challenging to agree. You're feeling torn and depressed, which is affecting your mood. What can you do to move forward?

I just wanted to have a quick chat with you.

It's okay to accept your emotions as they are.

From what you've said, it seems like you really admire and like your friend a lot. You want to have a deeper exchange of ideas with her and get closer to her. You've tried very hard to communicate with her, but you haven't been able to get what you want. That's why you're very distressed and don't want to lose this friend.

Just try to accept your emotions as they are. Let yourself feel down and sad, and then think about where the root of the problem lies and find a way to solve it. Is it the other person's problem or is it because you haven't adjusted your mindset? Getting along with others is never easy and requires joint efforts from both sides. It is difficult to maintain a long-lasting friendship with one-sided thinking, and you should know this very well.

Set up a positive communication model.

The value of getting along with others lies in sincerity. No matter how you usually get along, you need to communicate well. You have various doubts and confusions, so you can try to communicate honestly with your friend. Tell her your true thoughts and tell her how much you appreciate and care about her. Instead of dwelling on your worries, open your heart and have a good heart-to-heart talk. This approach may be suitable for both of you, and you can understand and accommodate each other more.

Find common ground while accepting differences.

It's okay if you and your friend don't see eye to eye. Nobody's perfect. You can't expect the other person to do everything your way, but you can choose to keep an appropriate distance when getting along with each other. Seeking common ground while reserving differences may be the best way. You don't have to expect the two of you to agree on everything, but to have certain common points that complement each other.

? Swap sincerity for sincerity.

Friendship is about sincerity and sharing. You can only get true hearts in return with true hearts. If being together makes you so unhappy, you should think about why. There must be a reason for all the worries. Either solve the mystery and communicate well, or try to let go of this friend. It depends on which you care about more.

We all have different paths and plans in life.

If two people have different worldviews and often can't see eye to eye, they should think about whether they're really suited to being friends. We all have different views and attitudes towards life. If they still can't get along after talking, they should probably go their separate ways. It might be better for both of them, and they'll both be happier. If you like a friend, you can just let them be. What do you think? I hope that everything is fine.

I hope my answer is helpful. Best regards, [Name]