Do you often dream about breaking up, divorce, arguments, or premarital anxiety?

Greetings,

Good afternoon, I would like to express my gratitude to the original poster for the invitation.

After carefully reading the original poster's question, I realized that she is approaching marriage and is experiencing the fears that come before marriage. Because the two of them have very different personalities, they naturally become troubled when they encounter problems, and they have doubts and anxieties. However, avoidance is not the way to solve problems. It would be helpful to focus on the real needs behind the specific problems in order to fundamentally solve and alleviate the problems.

Problem analysis:

The man is typically gentle in personality and tends to prioritize inner security and a sense of belonging.

A woman may be outspoken and direct, with a focus on expression and goals.

It is important to recognize that conflicts and frustrations are normal in intimate relationships. What matters is how we view and deal with them, so that we can learn and grow ourselves, use the energy brought about by love to better develop ourselves, speak the voice of our true selves, and at the same time be able to take care of our partner's feelings and give love to each other. Personality differences, feelings of unease and alienation can all contribute to the challenges that couples may face in their relationships.

Among the many challenges that couples face, personality conflicts are considered one of the most common, yet also one of the most easily resolved. However, this is an optimistic view. When both parties are not fully aware that marriage requires joint efforts to build and maintain a good relationship, they may find it challenging to grow through marriage and engage in deeper self-reflection and awareness. This could result in a marriage that lacks satisfactory results and may feel like a journey of doing whatever they want.

It is important to recognize that conflicts and frustrations are normal in intimate relationships. What matters is how we view and deal with them in a way that allows us to learn and grow ourselves, use the energy brought about by love to better develop ourselves, speak the voice of our true selves, and at the same time be able to take care of our partner's feelings and give love to each other.

It is important to approach the challenges that arise before marriage with sincerity and a responsible attitude. Rather than avoiding the problem, it is essential to calm our emotions and engage in open communication with our partner-to-be. Expressing our feelings and concerns in a constructive manner, even when it involves vulnerability, demonstrates courage and commitment to the relationship.

1. It would be helpful to be aware of the source of your emotions and to resolve them with a mature attitude.

The original poster provided a concise explanation of the key conflicts and the sense of a gap between expectations brought about by personality. It seems that the problem was never truly resolved during the process of the two parties working together, which may contribute to greater unrest in the heart when the wedding date is approaching. This unrest may stem from the inability to clearly express one's feelings to one's girlfriend and the very great concerns about life after marriage. It might be beneficial to consider expressing some of the unclear issues and the true feelings that have never been expressed, in a serious manner, to one's girlfriend before the marriage arrives.

It may be challenging to express yourself, and there will undoubtedly be obstacles along the way. However, if we do not address these obstacles, they will persist. To make a breakthrough, we must first accept our emotions and be open to change. One of the most important things we can do is to prepare for communication. This means being able to express our thoughts and concerns in a clear and constructive manner. My girlfriend may not fully understand at first, but taking the time to express ourselves and listen to each other is essential. As we communicate, we can try to replace accusations with feelings and be patient with each other. When my girlfriend truly understands my feelings and vulnerability, and when she recognizes that I need her attention and support, she will be able to respond positively.

2. It might be helpful to view your girlfriend's personality with a degree of objectivity and to consider lowering your expectations.

It could be said that one of the reasons for the fear of marriage stems from having rather high expectations of intimate relationships. We long for absolute, unconditional love in intimate relationships, believing that this kind of love is worth pursuing and is noble love. However, this could be seen as an act of moral kidnapping of the partner from a moral high ground. Imagine, in an intimate relationship, both parties are equal and independent individuals. Marriage is a family that needs to be built and managed with the efforts of both parties. So where does the harsh requirement come from that one party needs to completely satisfy the other party's needs? If the purpose of a relationship is just to take, rather than to give and support each other, it could be challenging to awaken the energy of love within. One might find themselves using more extreme and harsh requirements to make the other party satisfy one's own demands, while perhaps neglecting one's own self-sacrifice and responsibility.

Given your girlfriend's relatively shallow personality, it might be helpful to adjust your expectations, communicate reasonable expectations, be patient with her shortcomings, and try to ease the conflict through mutual understanding and consideration. By approaching the problem with a calm and rational mindset, there may be a chance of finding a solution and a true reconciliation between the two sides.

3. It might be helpful to accept your emotions and relax.

There has always been a tendency to view male and female personalities through a somewhat stereotypical lens. This has led to the perception that men should be more tolerant and women more introverted and gentle. However, in reality, there is a great deal of diversity within these categories. Men can sometimes be more introverted and attentive, while women can be more careless and pragmatic. This is an example of a classic misunderstanding caused by stereotypes. It is important to recognise that the question of right and wrong is not the most pertinent one in every situation. Instead, we should focus on pursuing responsibility and on how to reach a consensus and achieve a unified goal.

When facing problems, it can be helpful to first accept your emotions, and then fully express your feelings and thoughts. While suppressing feelings may not solve the problem, it can increase feelings of worthlessness and self-negation. Conflicts are not to be feared, but covering up one's true feelings and using a false mask to ease conflicts may not be the most constructive approach. This can put oneself in a whirlpool of anxiety, and may prevent one from seeing their true needs.

I wish you the best of luck and hope you can persevere.

Hello questioner!

I am sunshine, and I am grateful to have met you here!

I am grateful to the original poster for their initiative in self-awareness. They have brought up an important topic: "Do you often dream about breakups, divorces, arguments, and pre-marital panic?"

The question owner frequently dreams of breakups, divorces, and quarrels. It is evident that the question owner feels significant pressure about getting married. While not reaching the level of a full-blown phobia, the question owner is currently experiencing anxiety. This could potentially impact the question owner's daily life, work, and physical well-being.

I have given the topic raised by the original poster my full consideration and would like to share my reflections and thoughts, which are for the original poster's reference only.

Let's do this.

Let's first sort out the specific confusion described by the questioner and then interpret and analyze it.

We've been dating for three years and have bought a house and furniture. We're getting ready to get married, and the wedding is in two months. My girlfriend needs a lot of accommodation on a daily basis. She gets irritated if things don't go her way, and if I don't calm her down, she will take it out on me.

I may still be the one to take the blame. I am not confident in my character, I am a pacifist, and I am easily frustrated. I will only feel confident and capable when others treat me well, trust me, and let me be. According to the Rieckert personality color test, my girlfriend is mainly yellow in terms of leadership and red in terms of happiness, while I am mainly blue in terms of execution and green in terms of harmony!

We are not on the same wavelength, but we will overcome these difficulties together. What do you think, masters?

[1] The two parties have been dating for three years, which is enough time to get to know each other's character, personality, preferences, habits, and patterns of getting along, etc. Perhaps they have not yet officially married, and each of them is still "hiding" some parts that they don't want the other to know? In fact, when two independent individuals from different families come together, there will definitely be many mismatches. Not only does the questioner realize this, but there is simply no such thing as a natural pair!

[2] When the questioner is about to enter into marriage, they may have many expectations of the future married life. They may also have many uncertainties about the future and may not be confident enough because they have not established a sufficient trusting relationship with their partner. The "partner" may not fully meet their idealized "standards." A variety of factors lead to the intertwining of "conflicts/confusion" within the questioner's heart, which causes them to experience stress and anxiety, and even "fear and worry" about marriage.

[3] The questioner took the initiative to come to the psychology platform to discuss a topic that he felt confused about.

The questioner is a person who is good at self-reflection. He came here for help with the pressure and anxiety he felt, and he gained a different perspective and inspiration for self-change. The future marital life is not as "scary/fearful" as we think. As long as both parties are willing to maintain the relationship and are willing to face the problems/communicate with each other sincerely after they have become aware of each other, they will definitely gain different expectations.

[4] Psychology has a concept called the "mirror self effect," which means that in a relationship, we can be each other's "mirror." We can all see the differences/problems in each other's existence through our relationship with each other. When we see each other's problems, become aware of the conflicts, reflect on our feelings/expectations, gradually adjust and try to adapt to each other, and are willing to respect and accommodate the other person, and are willing to communicate and explore when conflicts arise, then the relationship will definitely not last! It can be said that there is no "conflict/conflict" that cannot be resolved, only people who are unwilling to change.

???

Deal with it this way:

[1] Accept the pressure you feel in the present moment, recognize and be aware of its source, and realize that each of us is an independent individual with natural differences. It is normal to have different personalities and characteristics. The way we get along with each other, as well as marital life, requires mutual adaptation based on mutual respect, understanding, and tolerance. As the saying goes, every marital life needs to be managed with care.

[2] The questioner must focus on perceiving the "truth" within by feeling emotions.

The questioner is currently aware of the emergence of the emotion of "anxiety/fear due to the upcoming marriage." This is a positive sign. It shows that the questioner is taking the upcoming marriage seriously and reflecting on what the "truth" behind the emotion is.

We may have idealized and romanticized our married life too much.

We must ask ourselves whether we have set the bar too high. Are we expecting more than we should from each other? Is there a significant discrepancy between our ideal and our reality?

The questioner has not yet experienced marriage, yet she has already started to break up, fight, and divorce in her dreams. This shows the pressure and anxiety in her heart. Can this be separated from reality on an imaginary level?

After three years of dating, you are about to get married. This shows that you have been moving forward together over the past three years. How do you overcome and resolve conflicts when they arise? Have you had any in-depth exchanges and communication?

The key to maintaining the relationship is to see yourself clearly through the relationship and be willing to work hard towards a consistent goal/marriage.

[3] It is not easy to achieve positive results after three years of dating! They are willing to "work through the rough spots" in their relationship, and they are committed to maintaining their individual and different personalities. The questioner is aware of some anxiety, but as long as they are still actively preparing for marriage and it has not affected their normal work and life order, this is a normal psychological reaction. Moderate anxiety is the driving force behind our progress!

[4] The questioner should read these books to learn more about managing a marriage relationship. For example, read "Perfect Love, Imperfect Relationships," "The Best Intimacy," "Intimacy and Independence," and "Knowing Love: Growing in Intimacy." If you are willing to seek help, you will find a suitable solution. Good luck!

The above is a response that combines the questioner's question. It is my personal opinion, and I am confident it will stimulate further discussion and lead to more thinking. I am certain it will inspire and help the questioner. I welcome more in-depth exchanges. I am confident that the questioner will soon find their way out of confusion and happily and easily enter into a happy and fulfilling married life!

I am here to help.

I am sunshine, the world, and I love you! ?

Good day, My name is Luo Zhisu, a listening therapist at One Mind. I am here to help you resolve your issue.

- [ ] My partner requires accommodation, and she becomes irritated when things do not proceed according to her preferences. She needs you to provide reassurance.

I lack confidence in my character. I am a pacifist, prone to frustration, and dependent on external validation.

Given that individuals with disparate frequencies have now reached the point of matrimony and real estate purchase, what is the logical next step?

Let's examine the situation together.

Let us first consider your girlfriend. As you have observed, her personality is primarily yellow in terms of leadership and red in terms of happiness. This indicates that your girlfriend is proactive in your relationship, and her emotional states directly impact you and your relationship. She frequently experiences mood swings and requires reassurance. However, you are not particularly confident and seek recognition. Will she make you feel insecure? When you have disagreements, will she reject you?

Do you find yourselves engaging in negative discourse about one another? If so, this will inevitably lead to a loss of confidence, frustration, and happiness on your part. This will create a vicious cycle.

Let's examine your personality traits. You describe yourself as blue in terms of executive ability and green in terms of harmony. This indicates that you are a passive partner in a relationship and will do your best to maintain it. However, you also lack confidence and need the approval of others. This may affect the relationship and, more importantly, affect you. It's essential to recognize that confidence must be built from within. If you seek the approval of others, it suggests an underlying inferiority complex. This is a complex issue that may stem from childhood experiences and your family of origin. In this case, you may benefit from the guidance of a listening therapist or a professional educator. Self-awareness is also crucial. If you recognize that you seek approval, that's a positive step. You can become aware of yourself when something happens in your life and identify when you lack confidence. Then, remind yourself not to care about what others think. Instead, focus on your own strengths and recognize your intrinsic value.

The relationship has reached this point, and I believe you have experienced a great deal together. It appears that your personalities complement each other, but only you are aware of whether you are suited to each other. Only you can determine whether the relationship is fulfilling, so ask yourself: are you comfortable together? Are you happy?

If you are not satisfied with the situation, have you considered whether you still love him? Have you thought about whether you want to persevere?

A strong foundation of love and communication is essential for a successful relationship. With these two elements in place, the relationship is more likely to endure. Best wishes!