[Forms of Love] Problems in marriage, how to deal with the other half not being around?

Hello, host. I am honored to answer your question. From your information, it is clear that you are concerned about how to deal with separation anxiety when your spouse is not by your side in a marital relationship.

Not everyone will experience separation anxiety-related problems. This is because each individual has a unique personality and lives in a different environment. From a psychoanalytic perspective, separation anxiety and fixation of the libido are more obvious. People with these issues crave to satisfy their sense of security by controlling their surroundings and the people around them.

If you cannot effectively control the people or circumstances around you, they will become more fearful, anxious, and restless.

As you stated in your information, when your partner is away for seven or eight days, or even just a short period of time, your child will inevitably interfere with and affect our normal lives. The inner child in question here refers to the self during the anal sensitivity period.

The purpose of emotions and attitudes is to protect us from harm. Our separation from our mothers as infants directly threatened our survival, so when our mothers left, we felt fear, anxiety, and other negative emotions. As we grow, we adapt to our environment and no longer rely on others to live a healthy and happy life.

Let's take a partner going on a business trip or leaving the country for a few days. When that happens, something triggers a scene from your childhood when your parents left you without your control. You associate with that state at the time and show worry, anxiety, and confusion. You regress to your past as an infant because your partner's departure threatens your survival.

In this state, the strong you of the present is mixed up with the weak you of your infant years, and the conflict between these two sides of yourself causes a great deal of internal conflict. Everyone has a weak self from the past. It is essential to establish a clear boundary between the weak self of the past and the strong self of the present.

You can reduce a lot of internal conflict in your heart by reducing the interference of the weak self from the past and living the life of the strong self in the present. It is also about living in the present.

I am pleased to have an appointment. 1983. The world and I love you!

The questioner is affable.

I am Kelly Shui, a heart explorer.

On this Valentine's Day, I am grateful for your inquiry, which has prompted me to reflect on how I manage the absence of my partner in our marriage.

[Discussing independence and intimacy]

The foundation of marriage is independence. It is not feasible to maintain a state of constant togetherness, nor is it realistic to expect that one's spouse should be a constant extension of oneself.

In essence, the marital relationship entails the coexistence of two independent individuals.

Some posit that love necessitates freedom and space. During one's partner's absence, it is possible to engage in activities that align with one's personal interests.

1. One may, for instance, attend a book club, explore the events at one's preferred bookstore, or occasionally participate in an offline salon.

2. Additionally, one may engage in activities that foster a sense of presence, such as visiting exhibitions.

3. Additionally, one may pursue their preferred courses of study, such as flower arrangement, which can be applied in one's domestic life upon completion of the program. On occasion, one's spouse may become aware of these activities upon returning from their absence. These personal interests and pastimes, which may be considered "secrets," can foster a sense of joy and intimacy within the marriage.

4: It is also possible to convene with a small group of like-minded individuals to engage in discussion about various aspects of life. For instance, one might choose to discuss parenting experiences, particularly if one has children, and to reflect on the process of parenting and childrearing.

The capacity for independence allows for the enjoyment of both time together and time alone.

5: Despite the husband's absence, it is possible to reflect on the positive contributions he has made to the couple's life together.

That warmth will persist, infusing the years with a sense of enduring connection.

It is this author's belief that a foundation of trust and support will foster a similar foundation in one's spouse, thereby enhancing the quality of the marriage and enabling the couple to achieve their full potential.

6: On days when couples are separated, they may enjoy some leisure time and engage in candid, truthful communication about their feelings via telephone or video chat.

The marital relationship is an intimate one, seeking the warmth of two individuals together. The experience of separation can also facilitate the development of independent thought, which in turn can contribute to a more mature outlook and a greater appreciation for the positive aspects of the relationship.

[How to Cope with Separation Anxiety After Marriage]

The other half of the couple may be absent due to business trips or other circumstances that require their presence elsewhere, such as a period of eight days abroad.

From a psychological perspective, during infancy and childhood, infants are naturally dependent on their parents for survival. This relationship is symbiotic, whereby the child and mother are interdependent.

When a child becomes aware that their mother has departed, they may experience a sense of threat to their very existence, prompting them to cry in order to attract their mother's attention and receive comfort.

Such experiences are also carried over into intimate relationships.

Consequently, separation can result in feelings of depression, anxiety, loss, or excessive dependence.

Upon becoming aware of these experiences, it is possible to acknowledge their connection to past events and to accept the associated emotions.

In a marital and familial context, when one partner is absent during nocturnal hours or on business trips, and in the future when children mature and confront separation,

It is important to consider the potential psychological impact of a child studying or working away from home for an extended period. Such experiences can evoke feelings of worthlessness and may even lead to the development of psychological disorders.

It is my personal recommendation that:

1. It is important to acknowledge the experience of separation and to recognize that it can evoke negative emotions in all individuals.

One learns to cope with such situations gradually and to allow oneself a certain period of adjustment.

2: Extend your social network. Human relationships encompass a multitude of forms, with intimate relationships representing just one aspect. Adjust the relative importance of each relationship.

As previously stated, participation in book clubs and salons serves to distract the mind from concerns related to one's home and husband.

3: It is recommended that you learn to relax, meditate, and communicate with your inner child. This can also be achieved through activities that are of interest to you or by releasing your worries at an appropriate time.

For example, it is beneficial to be able to inquire about and articulate one's emotions.

It is also possible to seek the assistance of a counselor.

4: Adapt your lifestyle to accommodate the new circumstances of your life, embrace the changes brought about by your separation, and allow time for these changes to yield positive outcomes. For instance, you might consider learning a new skill such as flower arranging, cooking, or even surprising your husband with a home-cooked meal upon his return.

Additionally, the text "The Meaning of Anxiety" is recommended for further reading.

[Regarding the inner child]

One provides oneself with a sense of security by recognizing that seeking external validation or relying on others will inevitably result in disappointment.

To illustrate,

During their formative years, children are unable to protect themselves and seek energy, love, and support from their parents.

Upon reaching adulthood, individuals may choose to adopt the role of a source of energy for their children and partners in relationships.

Our energy is receptive. If we were energy consumers as children, we can become energy providers as adults. If we do not provide energy, it will also diminish.

When we recognize that we can adopt the role of a child in the embrace of our loved one, and on occasion, allow the childlike aspects of ourselves to be demanding, and permit our loved one to rely on us when he returns from work exhausted,

This process will result in a natural transition from a childlike state to a more mature one.

2. It is possible to foster a positive relationship with one's inner child, thereby allowing for the regular presence of anxiety, fear, and insecurity.

The most profound fear that humans experience is the belief that they were born with inherent fullness and vitality.

As growth begins, some inappropriate treatment by parents or traumatic experiences experienced in early life will gradually create internal "pits" and a sense of deprivation.

For example, it is possible that our parents did not pay sufficient attention to us during our childhoods, or that they did not provide us with sufficient affirmation of our value. As a result of these experiences, we may have developed an inner sense of insecurity, inferiority, or self-negation.

It is then possible to engage in dialogue with the inner child, reassuring her that she need not be concerned about her fears, given that the individual in question has matured and is now capable of self-care.

Many of your feelings are also feelings that I frequently experience and become aware of. It can also be posited that we can never entirely evade these feelings.

The narrative of Carl Jung's life and work demonstrates that individuals are continuously engaged in processes of self-healing and growth throughout their lifespan.

Irrespective of the specific inner child or the current adult self, the phenomenon in question pertains to the entirety of the individual.

Such experiences and habits may be drawn from childhood, or from similar experiences and habits in the past. They are, nevertheless, an integral part of the individual.

It is only through indiscriminate, fearless, and holistic self-awareness that one can penetrate the deep-seated insecurities at the bottom of the subconscious and rediscover one's innate nature of being complete.

I extend my warmest wishes for a Happy Valentine's Day!

Dear author, The present situation is beneficial. It is important to be grateful for the opportunity to interact with others.

I immediately accessed this topic, which reflects my current circumstances. From Monday to Friday, my husband commutes to a different city for work. He returns on Friday night and then departs again on Sunday afternoon or Monday morning for his next workday. Since 2019, I have been the primary caregiver for our children while he has been away.

The following section will present a case study of how I managed to overcome separation anxiety and my own insecurities during this period.

Maintaining consistent communication can mitigate the effects of separation anxiety.

I frequently experienced prolonged periods of separation from my parents during my formative years. Consequently, when I am separated from my partner, I am reminded of the trauma I endured during my childhood. I also feel reluctant and somewhat uneasy when my partner is about to leave. I will go and give him a hug from behind, and before he leaves the house, he will pat my face, hug the children, and then depart.

Subsequently, he will send me a WeChat message indicating his arrival at the train station. Upon boarding the train, he will engage in a video chat with the children, which serves to alleviate their separation anxiety while simultaneously addressing my own concerns.

It is possible that each Sunday I am required to hasten the children's preparations for bed and encourage them to retire early in order to welcome the new week. However, the frequency of video calls has significantly reduced my feelings of separation anxiety.

Additionally, we engage in brief communication via WeChat each morning and engage in video conferencing at midday and dinnertime. Prior to retiring for the night, the children also participate in video conferencing with their father to discuss their day.

Despite the absence of physical proximity, communication remains a constant, thereby mitigating the impact of separation anxiety.

2. Security is derived from one's own sense of self, and the solution to any problem can be found within.

My personal growth process initially resulted in feelings of insecurity, which manifested as frequent disagreements with my husband during the early years of our marriage. Upon recognizing that many of these issues originated from my own lack of security, I began to take steps to address and resolve this internal challenge.

Upon recognizing that the emotion's root is a sense of insecurity, I engage in self-calming and verbal affirmation, reassuring myself that I am safe and capable of self-protection. I remind myself that I am no longer the child I once was, lacking the ability to safeguard myself and live independently. Instead, I am now a secure and independent individual. I repeatedly affirm this to myself until I feel a sense of assurance and stability.

"I engage in a repetitive internal monologue, confirming my thoughts and beliefs."

I then proceeded to cultivate my inner self, discerning the presence of my inner child in each experience, recognizing my psychological needs, striving to fulfill them, and nourishing myself. Life is a process of cultivation, and each instance of discomfort presents an opportunity for self-reflection and healing.

As a result of this process, my inner self has been gradually enriched, which has led to a reduction in my tendency to ask for things and to engage in conflict with my husband.

3. It is possible for an individual to possess more than one inner child.

It is possible that there may be more than one inner child, given that there are thousands of imprints. However, they are all part of the individual, and their purpose is to awaken the person.

I created an environment of acceptance, welcomed and embraced these aspects of myself, and then proceeded to address each one in a patient and inclusive manner. As a result of this process, I experienced personal growth.

It is my hope that this response is of some assistance to you, and that you find success in your endeavors.

Hello! I really hope my answer can help you in some way.

I can fully understand your distress and feelings because I have also been in a similar situation before. I didn't know how to handle it, and I expected my partner to always be there for me and take good care of me. But the reality was that he was always away on business trips, and there were things about him that were difficult for him. For the sake of the whole family, I learned to take care of myself when he didn't have the strength to do so. At first, whenever he went on a business trip, I would become very anxious. But I got through it! Later, through gradual adjustment, I became less anxious and gradually adapted to life without him. Later still, whether he was there or not, I was able to connect and communicate with him in some way, and I was also able to enjoy my life alone.

I've discovered something amazing! When you feel secure on the inside, you can't help but feel confident and at ease, no matter where you are or what's going on around you. You know you've got this! And the best part is, you're the only one who can take care of you.

Absolutely! This takes time, but it's so worth it. I gradually moved from complete dependence on him to complete independence, and it's been amazing! My husband has been on a business trip for almost a week, and he may not be back until Saturday, but this does not affect our communication and interaction, nor does it affect the flow of emotions and love between us. During the days when he is not around, I also feel very content and happy every day, because I have been caring for and taking care of myself. I have satisfied my inner needs, and gradually become secure and fulfilled within, so I no longer crave for the other person to be by my side. And when he is around, there are also many ways to express and interact, which enhances the emotions between each other and the sense of trust and security in the relationship, so that even if there is a brief separation, we can still feel the care and strength of the other person for ourselves.

I've got some great advice for you!

It's time to tune in to your own needs in a relationship and what you're anxious about when he's not around.

In the past, when my husband was away, I felt like I had no one to rely on. I felt like I couldn't solve many things on my own, and when I did a lot of things, I felt like no one saw or recognized it, so I felt very meaningless. But then I became aware of the reason for my anxiety, which is the desire for companionship, support, recognition, and affirmation. And now I'm excited to work on that!

However, he can't always be there for me. But he works hard outside, very hard, for the sake of the whole family! And he also needs our support, understanding, and encouragement.

Later, through the study of psychology, I made an incredible discovery: our inner sense of lack can hardly be made up for by external giving. If it is a special relationship like psychological counseling, it may be possible to make up for it, but in real life, if our inner sense of lack remains, no matter how much others give to us, we will still feel that it is not enough. This is because of the existence of the "projection effect," where we project our own feelings and thoughts onto others. So, when we don't recognize and support ourselves enough, we will feel that others are the same.

But when we learn to recognize and support ourselves, and fill the psychological nutrition that we lack inside, then we can become independent and self-sufficient! Our inner sense of security will grow stronger and stronger.

So, it's important to be aware of and explore your inner needs. What do you need? Maybe it's recognition?

Could it be attention? Or maybe companionship?

Or maybe you could offer support?

2. Once you've identified your own needs, it's time to learn how to take care of them yourself! That's right, use the "inner parent" to take care of these "inner children" of yours.

Absolutely! We all have an inner child, but we also have an inner parent. When we embrace the power of the inner parent, we can fully take care of our needs, learn to love ourselves, and take care of ourselves.

Like me, when I found that my core need was to be recognized, I discovered something amazing! When I don't recognize myself, I especially crave the recognition and attention of others, especially my husband's. When he is no longer around, I can't hear his recognition and attention, or at certain times, I feel his disapproval and neglect of myself, and I feel particularly uncomfortable. In the past, I always thought that these things had to do with other people, and I always hoped that other people would change. But now I know better! Why can't they always recognize and see me?

Later, I had this amazing realisation! If I can't always recognise and see myself, it's also difficult to feel the recognition and seeing of others. This made me think about how I could make sure I'm recognising and seeing others as much as I can. Am I really that good?

And when I started to practice self-acceptance and self-identification, I found that I was able to get along with myself more and more, and I was also able to see myself better. When I complete a household chore, I will affirm the value of my labor; when I tutor my child to complete his homework and see his progress and growth, I will affirm my own abilities and the value of being a mother; when I complete a task through my own efforts, I will see that I am really capable in some ways, that I can accomplish things... It's amazing how, when you do many things, you will not think about gaining the approval of others, but just realize your own value. And because of your own contributions in the process, you will also gradually recognize and like yourself more and more, and your energy and abilities will also gradually improve. This is a sense of security!

3. Use some ways to accompany and support yourself, and you can also use some ways to connect with your partner. Distance is no match for love! Even though you're apart, your love and companionship will remain strong.

Happy Valentine's Day! I wish you all a very happy Valentine's Day!

My husband and I are currently separated, but I am still happy and warm inside. After dropping the kids off in the morning, we had a phone call, during which I told him about what had happened in the past few days and some of my feelings, as well as some funny things about the kids. He told me about his schedule and arrangements for the day, and I saw that the flowers he had bought me earlier in the day had bloomed a little more. I took a photo and showed them to him to share the beauty of the day, and he also told me about the progress he had made and the things that made him happy. He is away, but he can take good care of himself, and we don't need to worry about him. I am at home, but I can also take good care of myself and the kids, and he doesn't need to worry about us. We each contribute our own strength to the development of the whole family. When we are reunited, we cook together, watch movies together, travel together to see the sights, and share each other's experiences and growth. This kind of happiness is actually warmer and stronger than being together all the time, isn't it?

So, even though we're apart, we can still stay connected and keep in touch in so many ways! We can chat on the phone, video call, send messages, and so much more. We can plan fun ways to spend time together when we meet in person. And of course, we can talk about anything on our minds. Distance is no problem! I often tell my husband about my worries, and he always has a different perspective and helpful advice. Distance can't block the love between you and your partner as long as you keep the connection strong. And there are so many other ways to keep each other company!

And of course, learning to accompany yourself is also very important, which is a sign of independence and security. When my husband is not around, I will do so many things I like to do! I'll go for a walk and see the scenery of nature; I'll answer questions to connect with others and realize my value; I'll cook nutritious meals for myself, so that I can eat and be happy; I'll go to the movies with my son; I'll do the sports I like to do and enjoy the happiness they bring me; or I'll read a book I want to read!

When your life is enriched, you'll realize that "nothing will be all of you." Our lives are colorful, and they'll still be vibrant even when your significant other is not around. We still have so much to do, so many friends who can support and accompany us, and so many ways to support and accompany ourselves!

I hope this is helpful for you! Wishing you all the best!