From childhood to adulthood, I have always fantasized about a perfect woman. How do I let go?

Hello, I am Fei Yun, your heart coach. 2023 is going to be your best year yet.

She feels your pain and confusion. You long for a perfect woman who can love you selflessly, but you're preventing yourself from enjoying every intimate relationship because you're hung up on "not getting what you want." You've suffered greatly from this obsession.

You want to let go, but you don't know how. It all stems from a longing for love and acceptance.

Let's hug each other across the distance and tackle the problems that trouble you head-on, together.

Falling in love is about finding the ideal parents.

People change boyfriends or girlfriends, but they are really looking for a father or mother.

Ultimately, all our relationships with others are a reflection of our relationship with our parents. In a way, when we fall in love, we are looking for the "ideal parent."

Your mother's death when you were ten months old left you with a deep longing for unconditional love and acceptance from her. This has created an emotional void that can never be filled.

In an intimate relationship, everyone plays three roles: father-daughter, husband-wife, and son-mother. You long for, and even fantasize about, a perfect woman who can love you selflessly. This is not a "lover," but a "mother."

In this world, only a mother's love for her child is selfless, unconditional, and without expectation of return. You have unfulfilled expectations, and you are tirelessly searching for something that will never come. You are disappointed, and you keep searching, and you keep getting disappointed. This is your life, and you are stuck in a cycle of searching, hoping for something that will never come.

There are similar cases in life where people mistake their needs for love. Take Domestic violence victim A, for example. She had a violent father when she was a child. Because of her need to change her father and save her mother, she was unable to do so as a child. This became her unfulfilled wish as a child. As an adult, she subconsciously sought out a violent man to change.

This unfulfilled wish has caused the tragedy of her life and marriage, which continues to repeat itself.

Love is a skill that can be acquired and improved.

You can only find someone to love when you are full of love.

When needs are not met, it is frustrating. People will attack and complain about each other.

Love is about supporting and growing together. Needs are about demanding and complaining. They are completely different.

A person who lacks something will find it hard to love. He will just go around with his needs, looking for someone who can satisfy them. He will mistake the person who can temporarily give him what he needs for "love," and he will pay for it with his whole life.

You are exactly where you need to be right now.

Healthy and wealthy people are the only ones who can love. They love themselves first and then love others. It's simple: if you are a nail, you will find a hammer.

Fill the emptiness in your own life.

You need to do self-healing right now. Put aside your inner desires and don't let your age be a limitation. If you don't achieve healing, you'll never be able to let go of this obsession. Even if you invest yourself in more relationships, you'll only end up hurting yourself.

Meditation and free writing are two effective ways to achieve healing. Meditation cultivates mindfulness, a deep connection with yourself, and the ability to love yourself and others.

Free writing is a process of dialogue with oneself.

Seek professional psychological counseling to heal childhood trauma. Take back the initiative in your life. Be your own "significant other." Nourish yourself. Rewrite your life.

Every life is worth blooming.

I am confident that the above will be helpful to you. I love you, and I love the world too.

If you want to continue communicating, click "Find a coach" in the upper right corner or at the bottom. I will communicate and grow with you one-on-one.

Hello.

I am Kelly Shui.

I'm glad you've fantasized about a perfect woman since you were a child. You need to let go of that.

You should thank yourself for having such a strong belief in an ideal and perfect woman. It's a good belief for us.

For example, when I was a child, my parents always scolded me. I was certain that one day, when I left home, I would meet a lot of kind and amiable people.

I also met many kind and affable elders.

A firm belief helps us get out of the doldrums. I later learned that countless children have this kind of thinking, but none of them are perfect.

Let's talk about perfectionism.

Scholars have been trying to define perfectionism and explore its causes and consequences.

First, psychologists are clear that perfectionism is a fixed personality trait. It is not something that can be changed quickly.

You mentioned the death of the mother when the child was ten months old.

From childhood to adulthood, I have always known there would be a perfect woman who loves me selflessly.

A child who has experienced the death of his mother will also feel fear and insecurity inside. They have set high standards for themselves and have hoped to be perfect from an early age. Researcher Burns is certain that perfectionists are afraid of being judged as imperfect by others and worried about being rejected and denied by others. They believe that in order to be accepted by others, they must be perfect.

You should explore whether you are too strict with yourself. Do you blame yourself?

We must allow ourselves to be imperfect.

Accepting our imperfections is the first step to accepting those of others.

When I grew up, I met a beautiful and outstanding woman. She was perfect and loved me selflessly.

You surely remember the story of Li Ao and Hu Yinmeng.

Li Ao was also intolerant of some of Hu Yinmeng's shortcomings in life and harsh on others because of the way he saw Hu Yinmeng's daily eating, drinking, defecating, and urinating.

Some researchers have also found that positive or healthy perfectionism can have negative psychological effects. The strong pursuit of high standards can lead to poor mental health.

Theoretically, positive or healthy perfectionism is a beautiful quality and a healthy pursuit of excellence. However, this ideal state cannot exist independently.

From a mental health perspective, excessive pursuit of high standards inevitably leads to negative consequences.

You are a person who can summarize and think. You are also beginning to feel confused in the process of communication.

Confusion is the beginning of growth. Learn about psychology, read books, and change your own perceptions through reading.

People are dynamic. You will attract many outstanding and beautiful people, and you will be attracted to them too.

Let's sort it out.

1: We see a person as multifaceted. We can maturely face ourselves and others, our basic self, false self, and true self. There is also another side.

2. Talk to a counselor. They can give you a different perspective.

3: Write about your strengths and weaknesses.

4: Selfish and self-righteous. Everyone has these problems. It doesn't matter if you're a beautiful woman or an ordinary girl—you'll still have them.

5: Humans are creatures that pursue perfection, but perfection is only a belief that motivates people to improve. The basic structure of life cannot be perfect.

I was not loved by my mother, and I had a tendency towards perfectionism. People are not born self-accepting, especially those who did not experience being accepted by their parents as a child. They become perfectionists in life.

Life simply does not afford anyone the opportunity to be a complete perfectionist. Indeed, many people who give up on life do so precisely because they cannot give up their perfectionist pursuit of it.

Studies have shown that perfectionism is associated with psychological problems such as anxiety, depression, social anxiety, social phobia, obsessive thoughts, compulsive behaviors, and physical and mental disorders.

For example, I also have these doubts. After studying psychology systematically, I was able to see some problems that I could not see myself.

After more than a year of learning, I have come to understand:

Perfectionism is neither a disadvantage nor an advantage. It is simply an understanding that making life a little "muddy" is also a mandatory lesson for perfectionists.

So accept your own perfectionism and also accept the imperfect side of others. At the same time, it is because of perfectionism that you can be so good.

We see our limitations, so we must go with the flow, enjoy our lives, be in the moment, appreciate the good in others, and accept the shortcomings of others and ourselves.

It's simple: spring, summer, autumn, and winter.

I highly recommend the book Growing in Your Relationships.