Full-time for 4 years, husband working afar, how to mend the parent-child relationship anew?

Dear Question Owner, My name is Qingqing, and I'm a social worker at Whale.

From your description, I can understand your anger, helplessness, and confusion, as well as your desire to change the current situation. I hope that my analysis can answer your questions.

(1) I empathize with the questioner's feelings of powerlessness and helplessness. Frequently, external pressures intensify at this juncture, further complicating the situation. Consequently, I recommend that the questioner consider seeking psychological counseling. This could provide much-needed spiritual support and strength at this challenging time.

(2) In response to the comment that "the elderly will perceive me as ungrateful for receiving assistance, as if I am self-sufficient without my children, and that my husband, who is away, will return to me at some point," I concur with the assertion that genuine empathy is lacking in this situation. Even the mother-in-law, despite her experience with childbirth, will not sympathize with or console the questioner. This is a common occurrence in this society. We must accept it and become more self-reliant, utilizing independent resources to overcome challenges, calm down, and think again. Of course, the optimal solution is to seek external assistance during difficult times.

I wish you the best of luck! (Yi Xinli Whale Social Worker)

Hello, I'm Strawberry!

I'm here to support you! I can see you're struggling, but you're doing a great job raising your child. It's not easy, but you're doing it! You've been a full-time mother for four years now. That's amazing! I know you made a big decision when you chose to be a full-time mother. We all know that it means losing your independence financially, narrowing your social circle, and having less freedom and less time for yourself. But you're doing it! You're a great mom!

So many people say, "It's better for me to take care of the kids than to go to work." And it is! When we see the kids grow up in our lives day by day after they are born, it is actually a very happy experience.

In the third year, when no one helped her to raise the child on her own, the questioner realized that something was wrong with her emotions. In fact, it was because she was too tired of raising the child. The questioner realized that her emotions were getting worse and worse during the process of raising the child. Because we hear more about postpartum depression, many people will put themselves in the right place and feel that they have depression.

The good news is that chronic fatigue syndrome is more likely to be caused by long-term fatigue, burnout, and excessive stress. This means that there are ways to overcome it! The more challenging symptoms, such as emotional instability, difficulty concentrating, memory loss, and frequent feelings of muscle soreness, can be managed with the right approach. It's also important to remember that emotional depression can often make you feel very lost. However, with the right support, you can learn to recognize the signs and take steps to improve your mental health.

When the questioner realized that her emotions were not right, she made the bold decision to leave her child with her mother's family for two or three days. When she went back to pick up her child, the child would not follow her at all. For a child you have raised on your own, if the child does not follow you after such a short period of time, then we have to analyze the situation based on reality.

1. What amazing ideas did the mother's family instill in the child?

When a woman gets married, her family should be the most reliable support she can rely on. It's great that the questioner thought of leaving her daughter with her family when she was in a negative mood! It shows that she trusts her family more than her husband's family. It's also possible that her family is closer by and she cannot find anyone else to help her for the time being.

Then, in just a few days, the child's attitude towards you completely changed! During this period of time, who from the mother's side of the family instilled such ideas into the child? What kind of mother are you? Her actions show that she doesn't love you anymore. Based on the questioner's understanding of his family, is it possible that they instilled such ideas into the child?

2. An environment that is not conducive to the child's growth

While the husband is away for a long time, there are still ways to spend quality time together as a family. Even if money is tight, there are ways to make it work. The most important thing is that the child can grow up with both parents and feel secure and cared for. That's what really matters!

The questioner's depression is also closely related to the family. From her confessions, we can see that her husband has not given her enough care, nor has he seen her needs in time. When she needed him, he did not give her comfort, but instead accused her of being pretentious.

After the child went to her maternal home, she may have been spoiled. The questioner's maternal family gave different care, and it was a completely different experience for the child to be around her mother and her mother's relatives. The child liked being spoiled, and the child was attached, so when there was a big difference, the child had his own choice.

At this stage, when the child is more than three years old, they are brimming with their own independent thoughts and a desire to express themselves. They know what they want, and since there is only the mother and the child at home, the child would rather choose to be with the questioner's in-laws.

3. It's time to let go of your stress!

The family neglected the care of the questioner, which suddenly made the questioner feel confused in their daily lives. You are rebelling inside, and you're ready to make a change! You may have wondered what the point of having a child was. Having a child only binds you, but it also gives you the chance to bond with your husband in a whole new way. Your life has completely changed, and it's an exciting opportunity to embrace new challenges!

When we're in a negative mood, it's easy to get lost in our thoughts. But don't worry! There's a simple way to shift your mindset and bring back that positive energy. Just remember to take a break when you need it and give yourself time to recharge.

It's time to let it all out! Talk to a loved one or a friend, preferably your husband, because only if he knows how hard it is for the questioner will he learn to take on more responsibility. Sharing your thoughts and feelings with someone you trust can be a great way to reduce the pressure you're feeling. Your loved one can also give advice from their own perspective, which might help you see things in a new light. It may not be professional, but looking at problems from someone else's perspective can help you recognize whether your own state of mind is positive.

Exercise is a great way to bond with your child. When you want to get some exercise, let your child jump along with you. This will also help strengthen the parent-child relationship between you and your child. Plus, exercise produces dopamine, which can make people feel happy!

Take a walk! There are so many great places nearby, like parks and attractions. Kids are old enough to go out without a ton of stuff, so you can take them for a stroll and admire the beauty of nature. It's amazing how much nature can heal us! So, get out there and enjoy it!

4. Observe what your child wants — and then give it to them!

The good news is that the questioner increased the interaction with the child. From the questioner's description, it's clear that you're a very present and important figure in the child's life. You're there for them, and they know it. They feel secure and loved when they're with you.

Children are amazingly simple creatures. They make their judgments about whether someone is good or not based on who treats them well. So, it's really important for the questioner to maintain emotional stability. This way, the child can see that his or her mother's attitude towards him or her is gentle and consistent. This will prevent the child from being unsure of what to do when his or her mother is about to lose her temper.

When you're with your child, make sure you pay attention to the moments when they're having fun and enjoying spending time with you. This will really help them to grow and develop!

I really hope my answer is helpful to the questioner! Best wishes!

I hope my answer helps.

As a mother, I understand. You want your child to understand and like you, but it seems that your child always rejects and doesn't understand you. This is upsetting and frustrating. The rest of the family doesn't understand you either. Please rest assured that as long as we are willing to build a relationship with our children, use appropriate communication methods, and communicate with our children more, I believe your relationship will get better.

Let's look at why kids might be reluctant to communicate with you.

Here are the main reasons:

1. You didn't explain why you had to leave.

When you left, didn't you explain to your child that you'd be back and that you still loved her?

Maybe we didn't think the child understood, but she did. Our sudden departure made her feel insecure. She was restless and didn't get the care she needed. Now, she's angry and doesn't want to be intimate. She loves you, but she's afraid of being hurt again. She's acting out to protect herself.

See why she's acting this way. Try to understand her. Then, explain things to her so she knows you love her and she can tell you how she feels. When you leave, tell her you'll always love her.

2. The child feels you don't understand and won't communicate.

Children are happy to share their thoughts and feelings with their parents. But if parents don't take it seriously, they won't take criticism well. If parents can't understand their children's feelings, children won't want to communicate with them.

3. We don't communicate with our children correctly.

Many parents want to communicate with their children, but lack the right language and methods. Some parents use simple and rude methods like scolding or cajoling without understanding communication.

Communication is not about achieving goals. It's about getting to know our children, understanding their struggles, and helping them overcome them.

How do we communicate with children? We need to pay attention to the following points:

Respect your children and talk to them as equals.

Respecting children means treating them as equals. Equal dialogue means allowing children to feel dignified and experience a sense of existence. In this way, children will be willing to communicate with their parents.

To respect children, you have to lower your stance, be less superior, and see yourself as an authority. To engage in an equal dialogue, you have to make children feel dignified and give them a sense of presence. Then, children will be willing to communicate with their parents.

If we don't adjust our communication with our children, most parents will fail.

Children are not our possessions. They have thoughts and needs of their own. When we respect them and see their needs, they will be willing to open up to us.

2. Know the best time to communicate.

If a child is angry, it's pointless to reason with them because they won't listen. First, calm them down. Then, communicate.

As the book "Crucial Conversations: How to Communicate Effectively" says, we need to be two people in one: one for the content, one for the atmosphere and emotions. We should take care of our own emotions first.

Choose the right time to talk to your child. You don't have to plan a special time, but try to talk in a relaxed, pleasant setting. This can be more effective.

3. Value the little things and build trust between parents and children.

If parents are indifferent to their children for a long time, children will develop a sense of strangeness and distrust towards them.

A child's sense of security comes from the parents' interactions with them. We need to pay attention to their problems and respond to them quickly and effectively. This helps us gain their trust and provide them with a sense of security.

Keep up the good work. You'll be able to establish a harmonious parent-child relationship with time and effort. Best wishes!

Hello! I'm sending you a warm hug from afar.

You are experiencing a range of intense emotions as a mother after being excessively rejected, denied, and refused by your child for two or three days. These include injustice, guilt, self-blame, anger, helplessness, and a longing for acceptance, understanding, and support.

Allow yourself to have these feelings of resentment, discomfort, being misunderstood, and pain. Get along with these uncomfortable emotional feelings. Take 3 to 5 deep breaths to relieve the harm to the body caused by the intensity of emotions. This will help you better experience and perceive your emotions, explore the hidden needs behind the emotions, and thus seek better ways to respond and meet your inner needs.

As a mother, you must understand that raising a child is a long-term life process. Your relationship with your child is formed bit by bit over time. An occasional temper tantrum and loss of control will not have a traumatic effect on your child's development. Everyone has emotions, let alone a stay-at-home mother who doesn't get more understanding, consideration, and support from her husband. No mother is perfect, and you don't need to be. You just need to be true to yourself in front of your child. Everyone has the ability to heal themselves.

It's okay to lose control of your emotions with your child sometimes. Don't beat yourself up about it. You can't regulate your emotions if you're already overwhelmed by negative energy and lack the energy to make changes. What do you think?

A person will only become better when they feel that they are not bad and that they can still improve. Conversely, someone who never accepts themselves and is always critical of themselves will never improve.

You can adjust your emotional state to better suit the needs of the situation. Don't worry. You're aware of your emotions and you're willing to learn and grow to improve the parent-child relationship. Here's how to better perceive and manage your emotions:

1. Keep a mood diary to gain a deeper understanding of your emotions.

2. Emotional forecast: Before your emotions set in, tell your child that you are feeling irritable, angry, and want to lose your temper. Go to your room and play for a while. Do not come near me, as I do not want to make you feel scared, afraid, or hurt. Come back to me in ten minutes, and I will be with you as usual.

3. Learn to care for yourself. If your husband and family cannot give you the support, understanding, and empathy you need, you must give yourself what you deserve. When you feel physically and mentally uncomfortable, allow yourself to rest. You don't need to be perfect.

You are a person, and you deserve to be treated well, thoughtfully, and cared for.

4. You must cultivate some interests and passions for yourself while spending time with your children. Your life is not just about your children and family; it's about you too. The vitality that radiates from you will nourish your children and your entire family.

I am Lily, the little listener at the Q&A Center. The world and I love you.

Dear questioner, I'm excited to answer your question!

After reading your question, I feel inspired to help you and your child!

First of all, your own child yelling at you, and not at you, the mother must be very sad. But from your description, you have the opportunity to reflect on why your child doesn't talk to you after you've been away for three or four days, and why the child yells at you to go away.

Have you ever said anything to hurt your child's self-esteem when you were raising him? Or did you treat him like an adult and be too strict when raising him?

? Secondly, your baby will be thrilled to learn that he can still play with you even though his own mother doesn't like him to be with her.

How can you repair the parent-child relationship? The answer is simple: children's nature is to play!

Playing games is a fantastic option! If you can play games with your child instead of lecturing him, it'll be much more effective.

The great thing about games is that they don't have to be boring! You can choose games that are perfect for your child's age and gender. For example, you could play house, make up a story together, take him to play football, play catch, jump rope, play rubber band jump rope, play kick the can, play checkers, make up a story together, play pillow fight, or play stick man!

And don't forget to be patient with children! They're great at learning, but they need to hear things many times before they understand or remember. So, don't expect them to understand and remember everything you say – they'll get there!

I'm so excited to share my personal profile with you! I really hope it'll be a helpful reference for you.