How can a boy control his concern for his girlfriend's ex-boyfriend?

Maybe you're also jealous, controlling, and possessive. She's had a long time with her ex, and they've been getting along for a long time.

Hearing this makes you feel uncomfortable. It's a sign of being jealous, but it's something you can't change. People with retroactive jealousy are consumed by past experiences because they have a big impact on them.

As a guy, you're concerned about your girlfriend's ex.

She mentioned her ex after a few months.

She talked to her ex for two years. It took a long time to get over it.

Ex-partner

Uncomfortable

You can sense changes within yourself. You want to lose your temper or go cold turkey, but neither solves the problem because her past is still present.

Think about whether you're too obsessed with your ex.

You don't want to talk to her, but it's not her fault.

You two still have a lot to talk about.

Maybe the other person and the ex have been together a long time. They have done a lot together, so going to a place to eat may be a place she and the ex have been to.

People will feel rejected. You've only been together a few months, and it's uncomfortable to see their past. Focus on creating memories now, and let your present fill each other.

You can't let the past haunt your present. You're feeling angry. This is the perfect moment to understand why.

Is it because you care about your girlfriend that you feel this way? When you don't care, you may not be so angry. Do you want to hurt her or make her feel awkward? Those things have already happened.

Transform your jealousy into a more mature defense mechanism. Don't deny or resist it. Face your current life and respect your feelings. Pour your heart out and grow up.

ZQ?

Please don't worry. It's important to stay calm. Your situation is actually quite common and normal. It's natural to feel and think this way. You're not alone in having these unique thoughts.

I believe that, now we have a correct understanding of your situation and can face it objectively, we can start to find solutions more easily. I would like to suggest that we humans are emotional creatures. This can be both our greatest challenge and our source of joy. We are not as detached as a table. We are deeply connected to our emotions. Joy, anger, sorrow, and happiness are all part of the same spectrum. It is not possible to fully experience happiness without also experiencing anger and sorrow.

It's understandable to care about your girlfriend's ex-boyfriend. It shows you have good qualities and care about people around you. If you don't care about him, it might raise questions about your feelings for your girlfriend. If I were your girlfriend and I knew you cared about my ex-boyfriend, I would feel happy and grateful to be your girlfriend. Similarly, your girlfriend took two years to recover from the breakup with her ex-boyfriend. This doesn't mean she still loves him forever. Why not feel happy and proud that you have found such a loyal girlfriend? Would you consider a girl who can move on from her ex-boyfriend after breaking up with him a good girl?

Perhaps it would be helpful to consider looking at things from a different perspective for now. It may be that the troubles and ugliness are simply a result of not knowing how to stand at the right angle. Once you learn to stand at the right angle, you may find that the scenery is beautiful here and that you are happy and lucky.

Perhaps it would be helpful to focus your attention on the present and consider your girlfriend's relationship with her ex-boyfriend. It's important to recognize that she is now your partner. It might be beneficial to appreciate her positive qualities and learn how to love her.

I can only hope that my perspective might offer you a different way of seeing things, and that cherishing the present is the best course of action.

Please don't hesitate to contact me if you have any further questions. I believe that a stranger's perspective can often be a great source of inspiration.

If I may make one more suggestion, perhaps it would be helpful to consider the following:

Hello, questioner!

She senses your feelings, but you're unsure how to express them.

When she tells you that she talked to her ex for two years and then spent another two years getting over him, she's being honest with you. It's a sign of her trust in you and her determination to continue with you.

This shows you've made a connection with her. You should be happy about this, but why do you feel so uncomfortable instead of happy when you hear it? You feel jealous and want to lose your temper with her and ignore her.

You feel uncomfortable because you lack confidence. When your girlfriend talks about her ex, you feel a sense of comparison, which involves a man's inner needs, such as trust, acceptance, appreciation, admiration, recognition, and encouragement.

Another reason is the sense of purity that men are born with. You may not care if your girlfriend's first love is you, but you care that your girlfriend is with you. However, she is also linked to her ex-boyfriend, for example, sometimes looking at her and her ex's QQ updates. This can include anything about her ex that makes you uncomfortable.

I'm not sure if you've told your girlfriend how you feel. When you're loving and respecting her, think about what she needs, like care, understanding, respect, loyalty, consideration, and security.

It's important to be aware of your emotions and to express them in a constructive way. If you're struggling to control or suppress your emotions, it's OK to release them. This process of releasing emotions follows the law of conservation of energy, transforming them into positive energy. To do this, you need to identify your automatic thinking and recognize whether you have a wrong perception. Once you've done that, you can verify whether what you think is true. To calm yourself down, use breathing techniques or exercise.

By this point, you'll be able to communicate with your girlfriend in a rational and calm way, without getting emotional. She'll care about what you say and will take your feelings seriously.

I'm here to guide you, and I love you.

Hello! I understand your question, and I can assure you that this is a very normal psychological phenomenon.

If the girl is not your girlfriend, you won't be angry about this.

You love her and have confirmed the relationship, so you feel that you belong together and are exclusive. Of course you become possessive! When faced with your girlfriend's attention to her ex, you become jealous and hope that she will focus her attention on you!

Communication is the bridge. You can and should express your love and jealousy to the girl. You can also express your hope that she will gradually reduce this behavior and understand that she cannot forget the love of the past two years for the time being. You can create happy times with her that are just for you two. Prove with your heart and time that you are the happiness of her life!

Second, a girl's willingness to share her past relationships with her boyfriend is not a lack of trust! Hug this girl who has been helplessly hurt by love, and show her with your actions that you will not let her get hurt again and that you will not let her lose!

From another perspective, sometimes a girl will try to stimulate her lover by flirting with other guys, hoping to get more attention and affection from him! It may not be very clever, but you'd be missing out on a "stupid" confession of love if you don't understand her.

If the guy shows he's jealous, the girl will be overjoyed!

Communication is the key to solving problems! Don't let misunderstandings pile up and miss out on love!

You've got this!

A-Qiu will be there to support you both as you make progress together in learning to communicate!

Hello, host!

The host's feelings are totally understandable. We're all emotional, especially when it comes to love and possessiveness. Jealousy is strong, and even the slightest flaw is intolerable. If the host can make some adjustments to his current state of mind, perhaps he won't be so obsessed with his girlfriend's ex.

1. The ex is in the past, and the current one is the host! If the ex was good enough, would there be a current you?

It seems there were some issues between your girlfriend and her ex. As for what they were, as long as you can accept them, you can talk about them. You can learn from them and avoid repeating them. Instead of getting angry at the mention of the ex's name or anything related to her, you should learn to be jealous, lose your temper, and not want to talk to her. This will only push your girlfriend towards the ex!

2. Be confident and give your girlfriend a sense of security and happiness. As for why the original poster is jealous and has emotional reactions of jealousy, apart from loving the other person, there's another reason, and that is that the original poster is not confident in themselves. Even if they dated the ex for two years, they still broke up in the end. Even if they started dating the original poster a few months ago, the original poster is still their girlfriend. Love is not determined by the length of time spent with someone, but rather who is more suitable to determine how far you can go together. So those girlfriends who check their exes' QQ updates may just be curious, or they may just want to know the latest news about someone they once befriended. So, the original poster should not be bothered by their girlfriend's curiosity about their ex. What you should do is make your girlfriend the happiest person and give her enough sense of security, so that she will not have second thoughts about going to someone else.

If two people can enter into marriage and achieve a happy ending, it depends on whether they appreciate and are attracted to each other. It's not something that can be prevented by worrying about whether the other person will cheat on you all the time. It depends on mutual attraction, not control and possession. You are you, I am me. I accept you completely, and you are willing to tolerate my shortcomings. As for external temptations, really no one else can control them. If you can resist temptation for the other person, and the other person is willing to resist temptation for you, communicate with each other and trust each other, you can go further.

I hope the host can adjust his or her state of mind and live a happy and fulfilling life! I'm Warm June, and the world and I love you!

Hello!

I am a heart exploration coach. Learning is the body's treasure.

From your description, I can tell you're feeling bad.

I won't go into details about your girlfriend having an ex, but I have three pieces of advice:

First, accept your current state.

It will make you feel better and help you think about what to do next.

You said your girlfriend has been with you for a few months. She mentioned her ex-boyfriend, saying she'd been talking to him for two years and it took her two years to get over him. You felt uncomfortable and wanted to lose your temper. This is understandable because love is exclusive. Everyone wants to be the most important person in the other person's heart. Your girlfriend had been talking to her ex-boyfriend for two years, so you feel jealous and want to lose your temper. You have to try to understand and accept yourself. See that part of yourself that wants to control itself and not lose its temper. This will give you mental energy to think about other things. Otherwise, your mind will be filled with negative emotions.

Allowing yourself to understand and accept yourself makes it possible to change the situation. It may sound contradictory, but this is how change works.

Secondly, think about your own state.

Rational thinking helps you understand yourself and reality.

Look at it rationally. Do these two things:

Your girlfriend's previous relationship is not a mistake. Everyone has a past, and you need to accept it.

Perhaps you want to lose your temper with her because you feel she has done something to hurt you. But there is nothing wrong with the fact that she had a previous relationship. From another perspective, the fact that she tells you about her previous relationship shows her trust in you. Moreover, it is precisely her previous relationship that has made the person you like now.

You can change the situation.

Your inner state and relationship with her will change.

After you think about it rationally, some of your negative feelings may go away.

Focus on yourself and think about how you can feel better.

When you think about your own situation, you can decide what to do. You focus on yourself and try your best.

If you want to lose your temper with her, stop and ask yourself, "Is it her fault? What did she do wrong?" You'll probably realize she didn't do anything wrong, which will make you feel better.

Have a good conversation with her. Tell her your true feelings. She will understand and tell you she's staying with you. She'll say the past is the past with her ex. You'll know you'll be with her for more than two years. You may feel better.

Talk to a friend. It will make you feel better. Negative emotions have a healing effect. Friends can also give you advice and understanding.

You can learn to take responsibility for your actions when you lose your temper. Think about the consequences of your actions. After you have considered the consequences, your emotions may stabilize. You can take action to improve the situation.

Taking action helps resolve negative emotions.

I hope this helps. Click "Find a coach" at the bottom to talk to me one-on-one.

Dear Question Asker,

After reading your account, I can comprehend the sentiment you have expressed. She indicated that it took her two years to recuperate following a dissolution of the relationship. The message she is conveying is that she previously held a profound affection for him, which will naturally elicit feelings of envy in the other party. It is evident that you hold a deep regard for her.

The distressing sentiment of being aware of one's boyfriend's previous romantic involvement may be attributed to two underlying factors: the presence of a competitive dynamic and the experience of fear.

If there is something we do not wish to share, it must be the love of the person we love.

Each individual desires to receive the complete love and attention of their partner, akin to a child seeking the exclusive affection and care of their mother. The instinctual drive to be the sole recipient of love and affection is deeply ingrained in us.

This is why love is inherently selfish, and this is precisely where its innocence lies.

The question thus arises as to how one might adjust one's mindset in such a situation.

1. Cultivate the ability to downplay the past and magnify the present circumstances.

Some males with a serious former romantic interest, even when they are typically with their romantic partners, may experience feelings of jealousy when their partners express concern for them. Similarly, they may feel resentment when their partners offer them physical affection. This is because they may perceive their partners' attention as being directed towards their former romantic interest.

To overcome these bothersome emotions, it is recommended to implement psychological adjustments.

For example, if a woman displays kindness and affection, it is advisable to focus on the positive emotions without allowing external factors to distract you. It is important to embrace the present moment and refrain from dwelling on past experiences.

Once one has acquired an understanding of one's own emotional needs, it becomes possible to recognize and accept love when it arises. In such instances, it is essential to maintain a sense of commitment and to avoid allowing past experiences to negatively influence one's current emotional state.

2. Develop effective communication skills.

It is possible to comprehend the emotions of a former partner. The adage "a qualified ex-partner should be treated as if they were dead" is a useful guideline. It is advisable to terminate all communication, as although there may be no emotional attachment, a person is still aware of developments with their former partner, which can be detrimental to the current relationship. In the event of experiencing anger when observing developments with a former partner, it is possible to utilise non-violent communication. However, if one loses their temper, the risk of causing further distress to the former partner is increased. While feelings are understandable, learning to communicate effectively can help to achieve goals without causing distress to the former partner.

It is recommended that you read the book Nonviolent Communication or at least skim it online to gain an understanding of its main points. Doing so will undoubtedly prove beneficial.

3. Cultivate the capacity to become a more optimal version of oneself.

Occasionally, preoccupations with one's current ex-partner may indicate a deficiency in self-assurance.

In the event that one is experiencing a sense of entrapment due to the presence of an ex-boyfriend, it may be beneficial to set a goal and utilize the ex-partner as a reference point for the purpose of learning from their strengths.

For example, one can ascertain what qualities initially attracted the girl to the ex-boyfriend, what behaviors she found appealing during their relationship, and what she found unappealing. This allows one to gain insight into the girl's preferences. One should then prioritize engaging in the activities that the girl found enjoyable and avoid engaging in behaviors that she found unappealing. This will help to enhance one's personal value and improve one's fitness, reading, and other attributes. Ultimately, this will lead to a more attractive personality, which will naturally result in the girl being devoted to one's partner.

You are the epitome of excellence, the pinnacle of her experience.

In a romantic relationship, effective communication is essential for maintaining a healthy bond. Communication skills are not innate; rather, they must be learned and reinforced through reading and practice. When communication is strong, it can rapidly enhance the quality of the relationship. Conversely, if communication is lacking or ineffective, the relationship may suffer and eventually lead to its dissolution.

It is therefore evident that learning to communicate effectively is a lesson that all individuals must learn.

I wish you the utmost success.

Hello, question asker! Thank you so much for your trust.

It's totally normal to feel jealous and possessive when you're in love. I get it, it's tough! But getting angry because of these feelings and letting them affect your relationship is not what you want, right?

When you want to lose your temper, think about the following three things and watch the magic happen!

1. Is your relationship with your girlfriend affected by each other? Absolutely! Your girlfriend's past is her past, and the influence of the past four years is real and tangible. Even if she doesn't say anything, it is still meaningful in her life. However, her choice now is you, not her ex. In other words, at this moment, you are more important to her, and you are her choice. Does she still have a connection with her ex, and does this connection affect your relationship?

So, the key point is her attitude, not her ex!

2. What will happen if you lose your temper? It's totally normal to feel distressed, and it's important to deal with your emotions in a healthy way.

Expressing your emotions normally and directly is the way to go! Tell her that she will be affected by the ex and that you love her very much. Good communication will bring the relationship to a higher level!

3. Talk to your girlfriend about your ex and then tell her what you need. See what your ex has brought to your girlfriend from her perspective. When someone can communicate with her, she may truly let go. When she can communicate and express herself about an issue, it means she has let go. When you two are communicating well, you can express your needs, such as how you feel you can get along better and how to keep your ex out of your lives.

These are my views, and I'm excited to share them with you! The ex is not scary. What is scary is that both parties in the relationship care more about the ex and forget that the relationship is run by the two people. The feelings of the two people are the most important!

Keep your past in the past! Don't let it affect your current relationship.

I'm Susu, the heart detective, and I love the world!

Dear questioner,

Good day!

Could I ask what the reason might be?

It is understandable that you feel uncomfortable, jealous, envious, and tempted to lose your temper when you hear your girlfriend mention her ex. These are normal psychological reactions that anyone would experience in such a situation. If I were in your position, I would also feel a range of emotions, including sadness, a hint of jealousy, a touch of envy, and perhaps even a moment of temptation to lose my temper.

It's understandable that you're feeling this way. It's natural to worry when you love someone and have concerns about their relationship with someone from their past. It's not easy to control our emotions, especially when we care deeply about someone.

It is natural to want the other person to be ours alone, and even if it was like this before, it is only natural to worry.

How might you proceed?

1. Accept and regulate emotions.

When you hear that your girlfriend has left her job early, or when you see her chatting with her ex on QQ, you may feel a range of uncomfortable emotions, including jealousy, and a desire to react strongly.

Step 1: Consider taking three deep breaths, as follows: "Breathe in deeply until your stomach bulges, hold it for three seconds, mentally count to one, two, three, exhale slowly, and try to exhale all the air in your body." If you still find it challenging to control your temper, it might be helpful to take some time to yourself to avoid a conflict with your girlfriend.

Step 2: It might be helpful to remind yourself that your girlfriend has done nothing wrong. She may have just had a failed relationship, and it's possible that she is also a victim.

Step 3: Attempt to become aware of your emotions. "When I feel jealous and want to lose my temper, it's because I feel that my girlfriend values her ex more, or because I love my girlfriend so much that I'm afraid she'll leave me." Allow yourself and your emotions to dwell for a while.

2. Communicate and express

When you have calmed down, express your feelings to your girlfriend and say, "When I see you talking about your ex or see your QQ updates, I feel a bit uncomfortable and want to lose my temper. I'm a little jealous that he was with you for so long. It makes me feel that you care more about him, and I'm a little worried that you'll leave me for him." Try to express your thoughts.

3. Try to identify the root cause.

It might also be helpful to consider whether this kind of thinking has occurred before. If it happens often, it could be beneficial to explore this further with a professional.

I hope these suggestions are helpful. I am a listening therapist, Yu Liyuan. Thank you so much for your trust and for sharing your experiences with me!

Dear Sir/Madam, My name is Good Will Hunting, a national second-level psychological counselor.

After a thorough review of the account in question,

You have a strong emotional reaction to your girlfriend's ex, and everything about him makes you feel uneasy. You are on the verge of losing your temper, but you have managed to control it thus far. However, this time is particularly challenging, and you are close to losing control.

It appears that the strategy of controlling your anger is not an effective one. You are on the verge of losing control. You may be able to tolerate it once or twice, but not for an extended period.

It is important to manage your anger effectively. Resisting it can be damaging to your health.

First, identify an appropriate outlet for your frustration. Directly expressing your anger towards your girlfriend may provide a sense of catharsis, but it could also have a detrimental impact on your relationship. You may wish to consider temporarily holding back, identifying an alternative outlet for your frustration, and engaging in a different activity to channel your energy, such as going for a run, hiking, going to a karaoke bar, or seeking an open space to express yourself.

Secondly, once you have regained your composure, it is important to address the underlying cause. Emotions serve a vital function in protecting us by prompting us to feel and reminding us to act in a manner that is beneficial to ourselves and others.

It is important to understand that your anger also has a meaning. Let us examine what your anger is trying to tell you.

Please take a moment to reflect on the following scenario: Your girlfriend discusses her former partner with you, and you observe updates from her former partner on QQ. What are your thoughts in that moment, and how do you feel?

Your girlfriend's former partner is still a topic of conversation and still visible, and it appears that he still occupies a place in your lives. You feel angry about this, and the anger may be trying to say, "It's all in the past, let it go, don't bring it up again, I'm in your life now, it's me, it's me, it's me, stop talking about him." How do you feel about this?

If that is the case, it may be advisable to inform your girlfriend of your feelings on the matter. She is unaware of your sentiments, and she assumes that you are comfortable discussing your former partner with you.

The above information is for your reference only. We hope it proves useful to you. Please do not hesitate to leave a comment if you have any further questions.