How can a man with a father complex establish an intimate attachment with women?

Hello. I can sense from your description that you are feeling somewhat helpless and confused.

Given the circumstances of your parents' divorce, your father's care for you has instilled in you a great deal of admiration and respect. He has become a figure you greatly admire.

On the other hand, due to changes in your father's employment situation, he was not as present in your life after the age of seven. Instead, you were cared for by relatives.

You have had to face many challenges and pressures on your own, which has made you more resilient. However, you still desire the guidance and protection of a father figure.

I believe this can be explained quite simply. You have a longing for a man who is relatively older and resembles your father.

With regard to your mother, it would seem that, although you have no memory of her love, you do not feel that its absence is regrettable.

However, your mother did not visit you as often as you might have liked, and you may have felt a little disappointed and distrustful of her.

Additionally, your father's decision not to remarry may have led him to subconsciously believe that women are not entirely trustworthy and may have difficulty accepting him and his son, and may not be able to provide the level of care and support you need.

On the one hand, he may feel that he is the only one who can shoulder your life. On the other hand, he may harbor some resentment towards women, feeling that they look down on him and that it is shameful and weak to show them his vulnerability.

You also have the ability to sense your father's thoughts and feelings. On the one hand, you tend to agree with him that women can sometimes be unreliable and may not always be able to be trusted.

It's also possible that you're expressing your loyalty to your father by not getting too close to women.

Perhaps we can explore some of the reasons behind your apprehension about getting too close to women, your tendency to distance yourself from them when intimacy intensifies, and your inclination to mistrust them, which you perceive as a vulnerability you're reluctant to embrace.

How might you proceed?

Dating a woman is not necessarily a betrayal of your father.

It's possible that there were some challenges in your parents' marriage that caused your father a great deal of pain, and that he ultimately decided to raise you on his own.

Your father is a wonderful person and has worked hard, but that doesn't necessarily mean you need to behave in the same way as him to show your loyalty.

It is important to remember that the parents' marriage is their own choice and has no bearing on your own situation.

It might be helpful to remember that your mother does not represent all women.

It's possible that your mother's behavior, combined with what happened to your father, has led you to form some misconceptions about women.

You may have formed the impression that all women are similar to your mother and that they will eventually distance themselves from you. This may make it difficult for you to form long-lasting relationships with them.

It is important to remember, however, that not all women are the same as your mother. You may need to be a little braver and explore and try boldly.

Perhaps if you were to let down your defenses and open your heart to express and rely on each other appropriately, you might see a different result.

It might be helpful to have a good talk with your father.

It might be helpful to find an opportunity to talk to your father about what happened between him and your mother, and how he views the relationship.

It is possible that you may also hear some stories and perspectives from these conversations that differ from what you previously imagined.

I believe that what your father needs is not your loyalty, but to see you happy with what he could not give you.

I wish you the best.

Dear Question Asker, I am the answerer, Enoch. Based on your description, it appears that you have developed a negative attitude towards women as a result of your parents' divorce and subsequent living arrangement with your father. Your experiences with older women have been unfavorable, leading to feelings of rejection when interacting with individuals of the opposite sex your age. Additionally, you seem to exhibit a bi-directional tendency in your views on love, favoring and relying on men. This is a source of distress for you, yet you do not perceive it as a significant issue. Instead, you seek to gain insight from others on this matter. Best regards, Enoch

Let us examine the underlying cause of this phenomenon.

1. The absence of maternal affection has fostered a sense of distrust towards women and a diminished expectation of their reliability.

The questioner's mother left when he was one year old. According to developmental psychologist Erik Erikson, the period from 0 to 1.5 years of age is when a child gains a sense of trust, overcomes doubt, and forms the quality of hope. The questioner has lost his sense of trust in his mother since childhood because of her departure. Because his mother rarely visited him in later years, the questioner became more suspicious of maternal love and even female love, making him lose the ability to hope for women. However, it is important to note that the reason the questioner's mother didn't visit him may not be that she didn't want to. In many divorced families, the parent with custody of the children often creates obstacles to prevent the other parent from seeing the children. For example, a friend of my brother's, after his divorce, his father took the children, and his mother came to see the children. She bought new clothes, but his grandmother cut the new clothes up with scissors in front of her, and she scolded the mother and kicked her out. Another friend's colleague, after her divorce, her in-laws wouldn't let her see the children.

On one occasion, she observed the children on the street and approached them to engage in conversation. In response, the children's grandmother and aunt physically assaulted her. Another friend, when her child was young, was so distressed by the mere sight of the child that she avoided all contact with her.

It can be reasonably assumed that the questioner's father is a benevolent individual, as evidenced by his willingness to allow his mother the autonomy to care for herself. Consequently, it is unlikely that he would exhibit significant resistance to this arrangement. Additionally, his mother demonstrated a capacity for attentive childcare. It is probable that she also exhibited care and compassion towards herself. However, the questioner's early experiences may have instilled a sense of discomfort in his relationship with his mother and women in general. This discomfort may have manifested as an inability to navigate social interactions with such groups.

It is possible, however, that the parrot incident was the result of a misunderstanding on the part of the questioner regarding his mother. This phenomenon, which is a form of self-defense, occurs when an individual distrusts others, even though they themselves are the source of that distrust. As a result, the questioner's perception of his mother is distorted.

2. The lengthy period of proximity to his father resulted in the acquisition of numerous abilities and a heightened level of dependence on him. While the father and son demonstrated the capacity for independent living, the process also gave rise to the emergence of certain character traits unique to the individual.

In the process of developing a relationship with his father, the questioner has acquired a number of abilities from his father and has developed a greater sense of dependence on him. Furthermore, the process of forming a relationship with his father was relatively independent. It is not an easy task for a man to raise a child on his own, and he has proven to be highly adept at it. However, the questioner has identified that he exhibits characteristics of both a compulsive and a paranoid personality. From the questioner's description, it can be inferred that his compulsive personality is influenced by his mother, while his paranoid personality is influenced by his father. In the process of forming relationships with others, his mother did not prioritize considering the feelings of others, and she may have lacked the ability to love herself and his father in an acceptable manner. This may also be a contributing factor to why his father was unable to tolerate his mother. However, in the process of forming relationships with his aunt, mother, and an aunt who later became his father's girlfriend, the questioner experienced difficulties in reconciling over minor issues and developed misunderstandings about the other person.

His father even divorced his mother or immediately terminated relationships with prospective partners, which reflect a paranoid disposition.

3. His father's influence has shaped his aversion and rejection of women.

Indeed, the questioner displays a striking resemblance to his father, exhibiting remarkable prowess in articulating the challenges he confronts and conducting a comprehensive introspection of his own character. Nevertheless, no individual is without flaws, particularly when the father is divorced and struggles to integrate into the marital dynamic, or when the questioner encounters difficulties in forming intimate connections with others. In such instances, it becomes imperative to assess whether there are any underlying character issues at play.

Indeed, my personality shares certain similarities with that of the mother of the questioner, and the personality of my partner is somewhat similar to that of the father of the questioner. However, I am not as assertive as the mother of the questioner. Despite expressing my own views and opinions and striving to gain recognition from others, I do so in a cordial and acceptable manner. At the same time, I consider the reasonable demands of the other party and respect them, provided that they do not have a negative impact. Despite his initial reservations, my husband has gradually become less paranoid after experiencing numerous situations with me. I have also advised him to view others not only through the lens of their shortcomings but also their strengths and actively engage with them. This approach has led to significant improvements in family life and work.

Indeed, both the questioner and his father are commendable individuals, exhibiting commendable self-discipline. I am particularly drawn to such individuals, as my own personality is notably carefree, and I possess a strong will. Subsequently, during my marriage, we both underwent significant personal growth, forging a harmonious blend. Under my husband's guidance, I have also become more self-disciplined, trustworthy, punctual, and organized.

From the questioner's description, it is evident that the father's failure of marriage to his mother has led to the formation of certain beliefs about his mother. These beliefs have not been subjected to critical examination, resulting in a lack of willingness to change his own character. Consequently, he is inclined to terminate relationships as a means of dealing with the opposite sex. This disposition contributes to a sense of disgust in the process of interacting with the opposite sex. He exhibits a reluctance to interact with the other person and a tendency to avoid confrontation when problems arise.

I empathize with the original poster's circumstances and offer advice with the intention of facilitating positive growth and enhanced interpersonal skills.

1. It is beneficial to identify the advantages of the opposite sex, to maintain a stable relationship, and to avoid the dissolution of the relationship prematurely.

Although the questioner's aunt is unable to comprehend the questioner's profound attachment to his father, she did provide care for him during his formative years. Moreover, the aunt had no obligation to him. Therefore, the questioner should continue to express gratitude towards his aunt. With regard to his own comprehension, the questioner may attempt to communicate with the other party and convey his sentiments. Despite the questioner's mother lacking understanding of his feelings and exhibiting a somewhat robust personality, as a family member, particularly as a child, we are not always in a position to select our own mother. Consequently, we should endeavour to respect, comprehend and accept her, and strive to appreciate her affection. With respect to the individual with whom one is in a romantic relationship, it is advisable to focus on the positive attributes of the other person, to tolerate their shortcomings, and to provide guidance in a constructive manner, rather than hastily terminating the relationship. It is important to maintain a positive relationship with each other.

2. Women are naturally more emotional, while men are naturally more rational. It is important to learn to use emotion appropriately to warm the opposite sex and use reason to guide the other person, forming a beautiful interaction through sincere expressions of each other.

Women are naturally more emotional, particularly those with obsessive personalities. Due to a perceived lack of attention to their emotions and moods, they are more inclined to exert control over the other person in order to compensate for this perceived emotional debt and assert control over the situation. Men, on the other hand, are naturally more rational. Men often perceive women as being somewhat unreasonable at times. An ideal male partner would rather invest his time in pursuits he deems more meaningful than engaging with a woman who is erratic, unable to communicate effectively, and in need of guidance.

However, society has assigned men the responsibility of comprehending women's emotional necessities and bestowing upon them a degree of emotional significance, thereby fostering greater receptivity on the part of women to comprehend, respect, and obey men.

It is therefore hoped that the questioner will engage in active communication with the opposite sex during the course of their interactions, with a view to developing mutual understanding, tolerance and respect, and to resolving conflicts in a constructive manner, thereby facilitating the establishment of more stable and beneficial relationships.

Hello! I'd like to offer you a warm hug from afar if you'd like.

Indeed, everyone has their own resources and abilities to cope with and solve the difficulties they face. What might be helpful is having strong support, companionship, and someone to listen to you in an emotional and affective sense. You are also to be commended for being able to express your distress in words and gain some self-soothing and self-care.

From your description, it seems that your so-called "bisexual tendencies" may be influenced by the trauma of your parents' divorce. While you have received support, attention, and care from your father in terms of material and emotional needs, it's possible that you haven't fully processed the impact of your mother's departure.

However, the role of parents towards their children is different. At that time, you did not outwardly express your emotions of reluctance, nostalgia, and resentment towards your mother. This does not mean that you did not have these emotions inside. It is more likely that you instinctively chose to suppress and hide these real emotions because they were too painful. Perhaps, in your opinion, expressing your reluctance towards your mother at that moment meant betraying your father to a certain extent, because you had already lost your mother and you could not lose your father as well. You needed your father's love, care, and support. However, that part of your real emotions towards your mother did not disappear, but has always been in your subconscious.

In your subsequent relationships, especially with the opposite sex, you may find that you unconsciously project the emotions you once felt towards your mother, which could manifest as a distrust of the opposite sex. You may feel afraid to express your true emotions in front of the opposite sex. When you become too intimate with each other, you may unconsciously distance yourself from the other person. Because of your mother's departure and the fact that she never visited you again, you may have come to believe that all women are unreliable and will not be true to you. They may, in your mind, sooner or later leave you heartlessly. This emotional projection could activate the abandonment and fear of not being loved that you felt at that moment.

It's possible that your admiration and love for older men who resemble your father is driven by a desire to repay him for the sacrifices he's made for you. Perhaps what you can do to show your appreciation is to demonstrate more respect, loyalty, and love. What are your thoughts on this?

This is a different kind of love, so it's not the same as romantic love. You might feel a bit burdened at first, but you'll get through it.

It might be helpful to try to face the emotional and psychological trauma caused by your mother's departure. You could express your feelings about her not visiting you, as well as your love and hope for her wellbeing, by writing her a letter and sharing your thoughts and feelings in a sincere and honest way.

This letter provides a way to see, express, and release your emotions towards your mother. It may also help you understand and accept her departure and lack of visitation, and work towards letting go of your emotions.

My name is Lily, and I'm one of the smaller members of the Q&A Museum team. We're sending our love to you and the world.

Good day!

As a mindfulness coach, I believe that learning is a valuable process that can enrich our lives.

From your description, I can sense a range of emotions, including anxiety, doubt, worry, a desire to be understood, pain, and a sense of being overwhelmed.

It seems that you may have a father complex and some difficulty establishing intimate relationships with women. Without going into too much detail, I would like to offer three pieces of advice for you to consider.

If I may suggest, perhaps it would be helpful to try to understand yourself and comfort yourself a little.

I believe that doing so will help to make your heart feel slightly lighter, which in turn will help you to think about what to do next.

You mentioned your childhood experiences, including the happy memories of your father and the neglect and harshness of your mother, which made you realize that you have bisexual tendencies, yearning for men who look like your father and distrusting women. It is understandable that your state of mind has been influenced by your parents, as we all are to some extent. This is also what we often say: the original family will affect a person's state of interpersonal relationships (the well-known psychologist Wu Zhihong once said that romantic relationships are a reproduction of the relationship patterns we had with our parents and other important loved ones in childhood. In other words, for everyone, love is a reincarnation of childhood relationships). It might be helpful to try to understand yourself, comfort yourself, and "see" the anxious self who is influenced by your parents but doesn't know what to do. This could give you extra mental energy to think about other things, otherwise your mind might become filled with all kinds of negative emotions.

It may be helpful to allow yourself to try to understand and accept yourself, as this could potentially make it possible to promote change in the current situation. It may sound contradictory, but it is possible that this is the truth, because change is based on allowing for no change.

If I might make one more suggestion, it would be to try to view your own state in a more rational way.

It may be helpful to consider that rational thinking can assist in developing a deeper understanding of oneself and of reality.

If I might suggest, a rational approach would require you to do the following two things:

Perhaps the first step would be to try to understand the problem, to identify the cause, and to recognize that this is the beginning of change.

As you mentioned in your description, after writing it down, you don't feel that it's a problem. I'm here to help you understand the reasons behind this. It seems that your Oedipus complex is related to the fact that you grew up with your father, who was very kind to you. He was an exceptional person, and you admired him greatly. It's possible that your desire for outstanding older men may also be influenced by a lack of confidence in yourself. Your family situation may make you feel inferior, and you are used to relying on a strong person like your father. You may have a tacit belief that men provide security. It seems that you are unable to establish a deep relationship with women because, on the one hand, you have a negative impression of your mother and distrust women. On the other hand, you are used to repressing your emotions, which may also be caused by being neglected. This makes it difficult for you to open up in contact with women, especially to express your vulnerability, which you feel ashamed of. Once you understand the problem, you will be able to find a solution. You said that you just need someone to understand you. Perhaps it would be more beneficial for you to understand yourself first. Once you have a better understanding of yourself, you will be more motivated to change.

Secondly, it is important to understand that in order to change the status quo, it is not enough to simply identify the cause; action is also required.

If I might make a suggestion, it would be to consider that in order to establish a deep relationship with others, it is necessary to take action rather than merely thinking about it.

Perhaps, if you look at it rationally like this, some of the negative emotions inside you may be resolved.

If I might make one more suggestion, it would be to focus on yourself and think about what you can do to feel better.

When you take the time to think things through and assess your situation, you may find that you have the tools you need to make positive changes. At this point, it can be helpful to focus on yourself and try your best to do a good job.

For instance, you might consider taking a closer look at the reasons behind your feelings. If you're dealing with the Oedipus complex, it could be helpful to reflect on your relationship with your father and how he has influenced you. When you find yourself longing for an older, good-looking man, it might be beneficial to ask yourself if it's admiration, dependence, or true love. I believe you have the capacity to discern the difference. If you're interacting with women again, it's important to recognize that this girl is not your mother. When it comes to sharing your feelings with someone, it's essential to understand that everyone has a vulnerable side. Expressing vulnerability is not a sign of weakness. In fact, being able to show weakness is what makes someone truly strong. With time and patience, you may gradually find ways to lift your spirits.

You might also consider addressing your own shortcomings, accepting the things you cannot change, and working to change the things you can. This could help you become a better and stronger person. For instance, you could look to your father as an example: he is responsible and has a sense of duty. Once you have become a better person, you may be able to figure out whether you are bisexual. From there, you could slowly enter into a real romantic relationship.

You might also consider learning to release your emotions (you could try empty chair therapy or diary therapy, for example), especially negative emotions. It may be helpful to learn to "express" them, as once emotions start flowing, they can have a healing effect. When you deal with repressed emotions in your heart, you may find that your heart feels lighter, which could also help you get along with others. In short, it's important to remember that you have the power to make a positive change.

When you start to take action, you may find that all kinds of negative emotions in your heart will naturally be resolved slowly. It could be said that sometimes the enemy of all kinds of negative emotions is action.

I hope my answer is helpful to you. If you would like to communicate further, you are welcome to click on "Find a Coach" at the bottom of the page, and I would be happy to communicate with you one-on-one.

It's clear that your family relationships are complex and tortuous. You've likely become aware of your differences from others during your growth process. As a boy, you have a father complex. And then? You may also have some negative feelings towards your mother, and perhaps your mother has provided you with a negative reference.

You have no memories of maternal love from childhood. Your father was a role model you looked up to very much and who was very competent. He gave you a lot of support. Later, some complicated things happened when relatives took care of you.

You feel that you have bisexual tendencies and you don't trust women. You know this is unlikely to be true. Once when you felt lonely and helpless, your aunt was unable to pick up on your emotions, which was very disappointing.

If she can't help herself, she just has to put up with it. When you were placed with your mother, it was even more painful because you were suspected and distrusted even when the parrot died. You really didn't kill the parrot. There was no need to admit it, but she just didn't trust you.

When you were hospitalized for an operation, the other party's concern for your well-being made you feel uncomfortable, and this may have had some impact on you. Later, an aunt's child would fight with you over things, and you felt aggrieved.

Your father has done a lot to protect you. He is a very good father. No matter what happened in the past, we need to see the present. Take the psychological test for wounds in the original family and seek psychological counseling. Understand and accept yourself. You can be the master of your own life. Good luck!

ZQ?