How can a paranoid person have a good relationship?

Dear Question Asker,

From your description, I can discern several characteristics that are reminiscent of the behaviors associated with the oral stage of development. These include a tendency to be stubborn about wearing a particular item of clothing, an affinity for spicy foods, and a preoccupation with two individuals in your life, namely your father and your romantic partner. The Buddhist concept of greed, anger, and ignorance offers a helpful framework for understanding these traits. In this model, greed is defined as an inability to let go of things that are personally meaningful to us. This concept is closely related to the psychological term "fixation," which refers to an intense attachment to a particular object, idea, or person.

The unresolved issues from childhood appear to exert a powerful influence, repeatedly drawing the individual back to those familiar scenarios where the experience of that feeling is sought. The word in brackets is for the questioner to fill in. Is this a matter of attention? Or acceptance?

One might inquire whether the subject in question is permitted to act in a certain manner or if they are being spoiled.

[Fixation and Sublimation]

What is meant by the term "fixation"?

A psychological defense mechanism in which the mind is not fully mature and stagnates at a certain level of psychosexual development. According to Freud's theory, if an individual is "overly satisfied" or "frustrated" at a certain stage of psychosexual development, it will lead to fixation, which will prevent the individual from entering the next stage of psychosexual development normally or completely.

Please request that the question owner recall whether they were "overly satisfied" or "frustrated" at some point in their childhood and unable to achieve satisfaction.

The few events that occurred later in the subject's life, which reflect a paranoid disposition, appear to be related to food. Based on this information, it can be hypothesized that the subject may be fixated in the oral stage of development. The characteristics of this stage include delayed weaning, smoking, a tendency to nag, kissing, and a preference for food.

In that case, it is evident that my son is fixated on the oral stage. I breastfed him until he was 18 months old, and he displayed a proclivity for putting objects in his mouth and biting them. He is a particularly vocal child and displays a strong preference for verbal communication.

It should be noted that individuals who remain in the oral stage do not necessarily exhibit problematic behaviors. If the issues associated with this stage can be symbolized and sublimated, it is possible for individuals to develop a healthy personality.

For example, individuals who exhibit a particular affinity for food or engage in food-related activities may be considered a sublimation of the oral stage. Without further information regarding the original poster's profession or personal interests, it is difficult to ascertain whether these interests align with the oral stage.

Such an avenue of inquiry may prove fruitful.

The greater the degree of symbolization, the more effective the sublimation. For instance, smoking and playing a wind instrument are both symbolic of "sucking on the teat," yet the symbolism of playing a wind instrument is evidently more profound than that of smoking.

Furthermore, speech can be considered a form of sublimation associated with the oral stage.

Ru Feng, Freedom

Link: https://www.jianshu.com/p/0df9f65c602b

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The Nature of Love and Marriage

Upon reading the original poster's account of the hot sauce incident, a visual representation emerged in my mind's eye: an infant girl clad in a light green dress, her feet planted firmly on the ground as she vocalized her desire with great enthusiasm.

It would appear that this particular boyfriend is notably affectionate and approachable, evoking a sense of familiarity that is reminiscent of paternal figures.

Psychoanalysts refer to this phenomenon as the projection of the inner animus. They posit that every woman possesses an inner representation of a man, which is shaped by the innate male attributes of her psyche, the genetically acquired male image, the paternal image, and her individual male experiences.

The act of measuring one's boyfriend with the same yardstick used to measure one's father is bound to result in disappointment. While there may be instances when a boyfriend behaves in a manner reminiscent of a father, this is likely to be perceived as a source of frustration and confusion. The inability to exercise authority as a father can lead to feelings of exhaustion and confusion. Similarly, excessive demands, whether in the form of excessive giving or other forms of excessive behavior, can have a detrimental impact on the relationship.

The ultimate objective of love is self-realization. Genuine love can only be attained when one has a profound understanding of another individual, treats them as a genuine person, and begins to develop positive sentiments towards them. It is essential to mature in relationships, have realistic expectations of the other person, and assume responsibility for one's own happiness or misfortune.

In order to find satisfying personal love in a relationship, it is essential to actively develop one's entire personality. This is a concept that the psychologist Fromm elucidated in his book, "The Art of Love." He posited that the capacity to love others, which encompasses sincerity, humility, courage, loyalty, and self-control, is a prerequisite for attaining personal love that is genuinely fulfilling.

My name is Zhang Huili, and I am a Sun Dolphin. It is my hope that my response will prove beneficial to you. Should you find it useful, I would be grateful if you would indicate your approval by clicking the "thumbs-up" icon.

Perhaps the questioner is simply seeking validation, rather than exhibiting paranoia. It's possible that you genuinely desire to be seen and understood.

When you were a child, you expressed a preference for a green dress, but your father had a different opinion and suggested a more economical option. As a young child, you were still learning about the world and making your way in it, and you wanted to get what you wanted. Unfortunately, your father was not supportive of your choice and expressed his disappointment. It's likely that you felt scared and angry at the time.

It seems that similar trade-offs were played out in your childhood, as you may have felt that you were never really seen, understood, or satisfied. Over time, you may have become more and more focused on getting, being heard, and being seen.

In your relationship with your boyfriend, if he unconsciously does something similar to what your father did, giving you a lot but not what you want, it might lead to feelings of insecurity and anger and disappointment that have built up over time.

It might be helpful to try to understand yourself and that child who was once not seen. Perhaps next time, when a similar situation arises, you will be more relaxed and have more energy to see the other person's efforts and feel the love in them.

Perhaps we can view ourselves as adults now, and as such, recognize that we are capable of fulfilling our own wishes. It might be helpful to consider our true needs and recognize that we are loved and worthy of love.

Perhaps we can enjoy the feeling of love more when we stop being tense and relax a little.

I wish you all the best! The world and I love you, and I encourage you to love yourself as well.

Hello.

Hug you. Everyone needs to be understood and accepted. Parents must focus on helping their children meet their own needs during their growth process. Otherwise, the child will be restless and agitated, making it difficult for them to achieve self-unification as an adult.

1. Accept your inner needs and yourself.

He liked the light green skirt, but his father expressed anger.

He likes the hot sauce his boyfriend wears, so he asks him to buy the same hot sauce. Instead, he brings back mushroom sauce.

I wanted to drink milk tea and eat chicken cutlets, so I asked my boyfriend to buy them for me. He procrastinated for an hour and a half and only went out to buy me other milk tea and a burger.

The questioner has listed different scenarios from daily life. In each scenario, the questioner clearly expresses his inner needs and desires positive affirmation and timely responses from others. However, both the father and boyfriend have shown a lack of sensitivity to the inner needs of others. They are negligent in observing and underestimate the other person's ability to accept emotions. It is therefore unsurprising that a sense of tension in the relationship has arisen.

For example, when a child asks for a new toy, it may seem on the surface that the child is being inconsiderate, not seeing the hard work of their parents, and demanding the toy willfully. The truth is that the child wants to keep up with his peers. Having the same toy will prevent him from feeling inferior.

Parents with excellent observation skills can see the signs in time, calm their children's emotions, and tell them how to view things correctly and face their inner anxiety. Once a child's needs are seen by their parents, they will no longer use other negative ways to attract their parents' attention. They will naturally be able to get through the stage of identity anxiety and gradually stabilize their emotions.

Then, whenever the questioner feels restless and agitated, they can find a quiet space to release their emotions, spend some time alone with their inner self, listen to their inner voice, and understand what their inner self wants to express. Is it a need to be valued, or is it a sensitive and anxious self?

2. Improve your inner sense of self-worth and build self-confidence.

It's tough for lovers to see their true inner needs when they're together all the time. The boundaries between us are blurred, our thinking is emotional, and problems are hard to deal with rationally.

Girls often make demands because they know their boyfriends care about and value them. Boys are concerned about whether their efforts are recognized and affirmed by their partners. They subconsciously fear being rejected.

Therefore, when conflicts arise, they find it difficult to put themselves in the other person's shoes. Girls feel neglected more easily, while boys feel rejected more easily.

A certain physical distance creates beauty. Most importantly, we have more energy to develop ourselves, devote ourselves to our own careers, better establish a sense of direction and values in life, and enhance our self-confidence. We are not overly dependent on or bound to others to find a sense of self-esteem.

You've got this! Stay strong!

From your description, it's clear you're insecure. You worry that others won't notice you, that they'll know you have no opinions, or that they'll see you have no principles. I want to give you a hug to comfort you. I can feel your stress, making you breathless. You have so many problems, and you don't know which one to solve first.

You feel helpless, anxious, and fearful.

★★★ Understand your feelings. It is right to be anxious and not know what to do. Sometimes you don't like your own personality, but you have already formed it. You cannot ignore your feelings if you cannot satisfy your inner needs. However, there is still a lot that has not been expressed in your description, and your paranoia should be part of it.

Let's get to the bottom of this.

Let's find out about your situation.

1. You are afraid of not being recognized and respected, and you are driven to maintain and insist on your own prejudices. This is likely a result of childhood experiences that have made you feel insecure in other ways.

Second, you are self-centered and do not think from other people's perspectives. This is a matter of your personality, but it is also a result of your parents not teaching you properly when you were young and not communicating with you much.

Third, your friendships are likely not good. You think too much and complain too much.

If you don't solve these cognitive problems, they will definitely affect your progress. The problem likely lies with your mother, who has shown you too much care and concern.

Your family of origin has influenced you to believe you are the center of the world and that your needs must be met. You lack a sense of security within. You are able to identify the problem and hear your own needs, which is excellent. This is the standard. If you want to make progress and improve, you can do so.

Your family of origin is the most important thing at your age. You will be much better off with your family, and you will be even more afraid if you leave. This is not a disease, but a kind of self-protection that many people have. We must face this fear and fear head on. Be self-willed and self-satisfied at home, but rarely in society.

—

Here's what I suggest, depending on your situation.

First, learn to love yourself and give yourself a sense of security.

Security is not something that the other person gives you. You have to gain it yourself. When you demand that the other person always gives you security, you are taking too much from them.

Love yourself and give yourself strength.

Second, study! You need more knowledge and awareness. Be aware of unreasonable beliefs and argue against them. You are still very good. You have to accept that you are mediocre, so you have to improve your awareness. Get rid of many unreasonable emotions in time.

Third, you need to seek help from a professional counselor to identify the root causes of your paranoia. Don't be afraid. This is not a big problem. It's just some minor issues that are affecting your mood. But you need to address them. Believe me, going to mediation will be of great help to your studies and current situation.

Fourth, release your emotions. Everyone has stress and emotions, and they are inseparable from our lives. However, you must learn to get along with all kinds of people and not be self-centered. No one is always encouraging your ideas, and any relationship is mutual.

I have provided some suggestions above. You should listen to your teacher, Liu Qi, and you should listen to me. I love you, and I hope you will love yourself. I hope some of my suggestions will help you, and I hope to see you again in the future.

Hello! I just wanted to give you a big, warm hug!

It seems like you've labeled yourself as paranoid based on your question.

The word "paranoid" is a bit stronger than "stubborn," and it's often used in a teasing way. Being stubborn can mean being set in your ways and refusing to change.

You know, stubbornness isn't always a bad thing.

It's totally normal to feel paranoid sometimes. It's just one way our minds can play tricks on us. There are different levels of paranoia, and it's important to know the difference. Normal paranoia is called obsession. Beyond that is paranoia, paranoid disorder, delusions, and other mood disorders.

I think when you say you're paranoid, you probably just mean that you're persistent in the ordinary sense. It's not the kind of paranoia that psychiatrists talk about, is it?

But you've given yourself the label of "paranoid," and you have to try hard to behave like a paranoid person, otherwise you are afraid that others will fool you, ignore you, not take you seriously, and not pay attention to you. From your description of the problem, it seems like what you want more is to be in control of yourself, to be seen, to be understood for your uniqueness, and thus to be seen as a person.

I'm wondering if you might also be worried about being controlled and being a PUA?

It seems like you need the label of paranoia to help you stick to it. From what you've said, it doesn't seem like you want to act so paranoid, but you're afraid that if you don't, you won't be noticed or loved.

I've heard that children who cry get candy! Could it be that you show signs of "paranoia" in order to be seen?

But, you know, sometimes our requests aren't always clear to the other person. It's not easy to empathize with others and put ourselves in their shoes, is it?

Let's take your father as an example. If you want to buy a green dress, he might think it's not good-looking, expensive, or worth buying. He might not understand the psychology of wanting something.

You asked your boyfriend to buy you hot sauce, and from what I know about men, he probably forgot what you asked him to buy. Men often have a poor memory, and he probably thought it would be nice to try a different flavor. As for him saying he thought you didn't like spicy food, he was probably trying to make you stop being angry.

He might not understand you saying "If you want that, you have to have that, and nothing else will do." He might also be worried that if he comes back empty-handed, you'll be angry. He's a little unsure, so he bought something else in the hope of getting it right.

But he doesn't understand the psychological conflict behind your "if you want that, you have to have that, even if Peter doesn't want it" attitude. He doesn't know the reason why you are so stubborn about wanting that, and in fact, you yourself may not know either.

But you don't want the other person to make decisions for you. I'm just wondering, what are you afraid of? Have you thought about it yourself?

You also mentioned that the milk tea at the back wasn't really what I was looking for.

But do you really need that bottle of "really like to eat" hot sauce, or do you really need milk tea at 10 o'clock? I don't think so, sweetie.

But you showed me that that was what I wanted, and nothing else.

This reminds me of a line from the movie Farewell My Concubine, spoken by Cheng Dieyi: "A lifetime is a promise. Not a minute, not a second, less than that, is not enough." It's such a beautiful sentiment, isn't it?

Oh, I know, I got a little off track there.

I'd love to know what you really want. You say this isn't what you want, so I'm wondering what is?

I really don't think it's so much about material things as it is about psychological attention, understanding, appreciation, etc. I think this is probably related to your upbringing as a child.

I really think you should talk to a counselor about the past, the present, the future, and your labels.

I'm a counselor who's often both Buddhist and pessimistic, but I try to be positive and motivated too! I love the world and I love you!

In fact, the desire for the hot sauce is not a foregone conclusion; rather, it is contingent upon the individual's autonomy and the capacity to make their own decisions.

The specific beverage purchased is inconsequential; it is not aligned with your preferences.

It is possible that you are even more displeased that he did not fulfill his obligation. Ultimately, he made the situation more complex and still did not meet your expectations.

2. It is imperative to provide others with what they desire, rather than what one self-identifies as one's own preferences.

A common misconception is that what one individual finds appealing will be similarly appreciated by others.

Such individuals often speculate about others based on their own ideas and attempt to satisfy others with their own preferences.

Consequently, he believes that he has profoundly affected the other individual.

It is unclear whether this has caused a burden on the other person.

The boyfriend is a very frugal person himself, and thus he believes that you are similarly averse to spending money, which is why you do not purchase the items you desire.

However, it is evident that this is not the case.

He expended financial resources on an item that you do not find appealing.

It appears to be a disadvantageous arrangement for both parties.

In other words, you stated that it is an ungrateful endeavor.

It is evident that you are experiencing a sense of anger in response to this situation.

The root cause of this misunderstanding can be attributed to a failure to genuinely comprehend the other person's genuine needs. Instead, there was a tendency to project one's own needs onto the other person, leading to the assumption that fulfilling the other person's needs would be tantamount to fulfilling one's own.

3. Self-sacrificing efforts may induce stress in others and prompt them to seek alternative avenues.

Your boyfriend invested a considerable amount of time and effort into purchasing an item he believed to align with your preferences.

Moreover, the item in question did not align with your preferences.

In particular, you perceive the time and effort he expended as both futile and offensive.

It is evident that he is attempting to make a favorable impression on you.

However, this motivation can result in feelings of pressure.

Such circumstances may induce a sense of compulsion to accept actions that one does not wish to perform, yet which the other party deems beneficial.

In the event that the individual in question has expended a considerable amount of effort to procure the item in question and it aligns with your preferences, you may find yourself compelled to reciprocate his actions regardless of your initial intentions.

One might be forgiven for assuming that expressing gratitude would be a beneficial course of action.

It is possible that your aversion to his self-indulgence stems from the perception that he is merely satisfying his own desires, rather than yours.

In the event that a couple consistently engages in conflict regarding the same issues, it is recommended that they engage in communication to resolve these discrepancies. It is advised that each partner provides the other with what they find appealing, rather than what they find unappealing, and that they assume a mutual appreciation for these preferences.

It is my hope that this response will prove helpful.

I am a psychological counselor, Yan Guilai. My hope is that you will all find happiness.

Hello, question asker!

After reading your question, I really understand your dilemma. Let me give you a warm hug first.

The issue you came across was:

When I was younger, I went shopping with my dad. I saw a really expensive dress I wanted, but my dad got angry.

2. After eating the hot sauce her boyfriend bought, she wanted him to bring it next time or just tell her the brand name. Instead, he brought mushroom sauce, which made her angry and a little paranoid.

3. He was on his way to buy milk tea, but he ran into some delays and couldn't get it. He went to a very faraway store to buy chicken fillets, but he couldn't get them either. In the end, he bought something else that he didn't want, and he was pretty unhappy about it.

A quick look at the issue shows that:

1. It's possible that the financial situation in the small family environment the questioner grew up in was limited. The parents were probably under a lot of financial pressure, which meant they couldn't always meet the questioner's needs. This was down to the living conditions the parents were in at the time. There was no way to change it. After all, the parents had to make a living and support the family. They had to be careful with their spending. The questioner may feel that they are often not trusted by their parents. They may lack a sense of security and feel often rejected and denied. This could make them paranoid.

2. The boyfriend bought the hot sauce, but then didn't buy an exact match. It seems like the questioner is unhappy with her boyfriend and can't stand being around him, but in reality, it's a kind of self-imposed compulsion, unable to reconcile with the paranoid, obsessive-compulsive self within.

3. Buying milk tea, spending a long time on it, changing to chicken fillet, also spending a long time on it, changing to something else that isn't what the questioner wants, and the questioner becomes emotionally unstable. It seems like procrastination is affecting the questioner's emotions, but in reality, the questioner is unable to accept the uncertain self within, on the one hand, and unable to tolerate others, on the other, placing too much importance on their own feelings.

4. It's also possible that the person asking the question has high expectations of themselves and is very demanding. They may apply their own standards to others without realizing it. They may have experienced some setbacks in their living environment, and when you add pressure to that, they're prone to anxiety.

Here's the solution to the above analysis:

(1) Accept your parents' way of educating you unconditionally. They have their own limitations from the times they grew up in and are imperfect. Accept yourself and tell yourself that you can communicate with them.

(2) Make an effort to get to know others, build trust, show your appreciation, and work on reducing any unease you may have.

(3) Try to take your mind off things by going on a trip, trying a new hobby, or going for a walk to relax.

(4) Take control of your schedule, be at peace with yourself, and be more tolerant of others. Even if the milk tea isn't your favorite, there's still chicken steak, and there's more. Each option is a little egg of life. If you like milk tea, you'll only have the expectation of chicken steak, which is predictable, and your happiness index will be low.

But if the next moment is chicken steak, you'll be happy to have that instead of milk tea.

I hope my answer is helpful. I wish you the best in moving on from this and welcoming love into your life. The world is rooting for you ?

From your description, it seems that you are a typical individual, not paranoid, have clear preferences, and are not unhappy if you don't get what you want. In contrast, your boyfriend is somewhat overzealous in his efforts, similar to the character in the story "Maggie's Gift."

From your written account, I discern a sense of aversion and disgust on your part, as well as an excessive concern and nervousness on the part of the other person. I am uncertain as to the veracity of my assumptions regarding the nature of your relationship.

I would like to address a potential source of concern.

The topic at hand is the establishment of a positive relationship, yet the initial example pertains to the dynamics and responses between you and your father during your childhood. Could it be inferred that your current relationship with your boyfriend evokes memories of your childhood, where your needs were consistently overlooked and unmet, leading you to become preoccupied with inconsequential matters?

It is important to recognize that when we were younger, we had limited options. However, as we have grown older, we have the ability to identify and address our needs in a timely manner.

It is important to note that your boyfriend's efforts are often unrewarded, as men and women are different by nature. The key is to communicate effectively and find a way that makes both of you feel comfortable.

Long-term needs that are not effectively received and met, as well as self-serving dedication without being recognized, can have a detrimental impact on feelings. Both parties may experience feelings of being unloved.

If possible, refrain from attributing blame to him when you observe him exerting considerable effort on your behalf. Instead, recognize and value his genuine and dedicated approach, which is not commonly found.

I am confident that full communication, mutual understanding, and appreciation will lead to a happy outcome.

Best regards,

Hello, my name is June, and I'm here to help!

From what you've told me, I've tried to put together a picture of what you're going through. I'm not sure if I've got it right, but I'll do my best to explain.

1. The need to be seen and understood

The light green skirt, the hot sauce you love so much, the milk tea you want to drink at 9:30, and the mango cake – these things show your aesthetic taste, food preferences, and your attitude towards life. You want to let your father and boyfriend know what kind of person you are through these details, and you hope that they can appreciate the delicate feelings in your heart, not just wear a skirt or eat something.

From what you've told me, it seems like you're pretty happy with what you've got. But it's also clear that your dad and your boyfriend don't see the bigger picture. They only see the superficial stuff, and they don't get why you're interested in things that are more than just functional. I can understand why you'd feel a bit disappointed and lost.

2. There's absolutely no need to feel "kidnapped" or "coerced."

I know that he bought me only the best things, the things he wouldn't part with himself, but it feels like he's always doing the thankless task of impressing only himself. I really appreciate all he does for me, but I wish he'd do it for me more often.

I have to say, I'm not a fan of self-indulgent, self-righteous decisions.

In these two paragraphs, you describe how your boyfriend only bought you things that were "expensive" but not the "right" things. It seems like you feel that he did something that was "thankless" and only "touched himself."

I can see how you feel ambivalent about your relationship. It's natural to want your partner to understand you and your preferences, but it's also good to have some space and freedom.

This ambivalent attachment pattern isn't just in your relationship with your dad, but also with your boyfriend. This is probably because when you were a little kid, you were about 3 years old when you started kindergarten. You were pretty insecure at the time, and cried a lot. Your parents didn't understand why you were scared of leaving home and facing a new environment, as well as your attachment to them. They simply and roughly handed you over to the kindergarten.

It's totally normal to miss your parents, but it's also normal to feel confused and angry at them for being so cruel.

Your "paranoia" and fixation on the details of life, such as eating and drinking, are actually a way to strengthen your image in a stable way. It's totally understandable to worry that you may not be understood or seen, and it's a natural response to amplify and strengthen those details so that you can be clearly distinguished.

This expression reflects some pretty traumatic childhood experiences, but you've got this!

Your boyfriend's "self-moving" devotion is actually a way for him to show you his love and care. When you truly understand yourself, your boyfriend will truly understand you as well. I'm sure you'll get there!

I really hope you can connect with that little kid inside you.

I really do wish you all the very best!

Hello, host! I'm July.

After reading your description, I understand the question you want to ask, and I want to give you a hug in four dimensions.

From the problems you mentioned in your description, it's clear that the host wants to improve her relationship with her boyfriend. She wants to avoid conflicts and treat the relationship well. However, she also has a stubborn personality. It's not productive to vent through the wrong channels. Suppressing negative emotions makes you feel uncomfortable and angry.

You say you're paranoid, but that's not right. Paranoia is about self-referential superiority or delusions about victimization, love, hatred, jealousy, honor, litigation, and exaggeration. The examples you gave don't fit that.

Your current behavior is, in fact, quite stubborn.

You have every right to want what you want. You have clearly stated what you want, and there is nothing wrong with wanting it. It is not your fault that you have not gotten what you want. The cause of the problem does not lie with you. It is normal for you to have some emotions. You are not paranoid and just want to get what you want.

You could have gotten these things, but for some reason you didn't. That's why you're having these negative emotional reactions.

I have also summarized ways to help alleviate the current situation. I am confident that these will help you to some extent.

(1) Relax and don't put too much pressure on yourself. You will get what you want, even if it's not right now. Give yourself some time.

(2) You should communicate more with your boyfriend and express what you want to say. It's important not to accuse him, but to state the facts as much as possible.

(3) Don't obsess and get angry about things you haven't got. Delay gratification instead. Look at things from another perspective.

(4) When you are not feeling well, you can and should release your emotions through sports, journaling, music, chatting, etc. Don't let too many negative emotions affect you.

(5) Distract yourself more often. Don't get stuck in a negative situation for too long. Focus on the things that make you happy.

The world and I love you.

Best wishes!