How can a woman manage relationships with both in-laws and parents-in-law after marriage? Why is it so difficult?

Dealing with relationships with both your husband's and your own families can be a complex and delicate matter, especially in societies where traditional cultural values are deeply rooted. There may be a number of reasons for this in your case.

1. **Cultural expectations and role definitions**: In many cultures, women may feel pressure to "choose sides" after marriage. This may stem from the traditional concept of the family, which holds that after marriage, a woman should prioritize her husband's family over her own.

It is possible that when one does not act according to these expectations, resentment in both families may arise.

2. **Family power structures**: It is possible that your in-laws and your own family may have different expectations of you, which could potentially lead to you feeling pressured in different ways in each family. You may be seen as a bridge between the two families, and when you are unable to fulfill this role, both sides may express their expectations of you.

3. **Personal growth and family expectations**: Over time, you may have changed in terms of personal growth and values, and these changes may not be consistent with the expectations of your family of origin and your spouse's family. It is possible that conflicts and disagreements may arise when your choices do not match their expectations.

4. Emotions and communication: It is possible that conflicts between families may also stem from differences in communication styles, conflict resolution methods, and emotional management. Different families may have different communication habits and ways of dealing with conflicts, and these differences may potentially lead to misunderstandings and conflicts.

It may be helpful to consider the following steps for resolving these issues:

It may be helpful to clarify your own position and boundaries, and to recognize that as an adult you have the right to make choices based on your own values and life goals.

It may be helpful to have open and honest conversations with your in-laws and your own family. Sharing your feelings and thoughts, and listening to their perspective, can help to bridge any gaps in understanding.

It may be helpful to consider setting boundaries while maintaining family relationships. This could involve establishing healthy boundaries for yourself and your family members.

If the situation is complicated, you might consider seeking professional family counseling to help you deal with and resolve family conflicts from a more professional perspective.

It would be beneficial to handle these relationships with mutual respect and understanding, while firmly maintaining one's position and family harmony. Every family is unique, and there is no one-size-fits-all solution. However, through continuous efforts and communication, it is possible to find a more harmonious approach.

Hello! I'll try to describe what I see in your question:

1. It's so sad to see that after marriage, the daughter's family is preferred, and the daughter-in-law's family is not satisfied and even conflicts.

2. It's so great to see you growing and changing! Could you please clarify the status of the nuclear family?

3. It's so great that you've put your in-laws in second place and your parents-in-law in third place!

4. It's so great that your husband's family is doing well! It's a bit of a different story with your wife's family, though.

5. It seems that your in-laws and your family aren't quite seeing eye to eye, and vice versa.

I'd like to offer some feedback, if I may.

1. I think it's really great that you're taking the time to clarify your position in the nuclear family.

However, your parents and your husband's parents are the same distance away.

I'm just wondering why you put your in-laws second and your own family third?

I think they should be equal, no matter what.

2. When you're feeling overwhelmed by problems at your parents' and in-laws' homes, how does your husband react?

As you're married, you and your little family are one big happy unit! Do you work with your colleagues in your unit to deal with problems with the other two units?

3. It's so hard when there's a difference of opinion, isn't it? It doesn't matter whether it's the attitude of the mother's family or the wife's family, it can be so frustrating when there's a lack of understanding. Is it true that the dissatisfaction and conflict are caused by the closeness of the relationship with you and the way you handle things?

No matter how you look at it, it's a little strange, don't you think?

Could it be that they have their own reasons for doing things the way they do?

If they just don't do things the "right" way, but as family members, it can be tough to adjust. What do you do in this situation?

How do you handle it? Do you find a way to compromise?

Or maybe you could just give in?

4. I really hope these ideas help you!

I really think a consultation would be a great idea. It's always good to get specific details about what's going on, rather than just a general, sentimental description.

I've given you some logical feedback, my friend.

If you can, I really think you should get some help. It can be so hard to deal with lots of relationships on your own, and it's not always the best way to go about it.

Wishing you all the best!

Dear questioner, I'm so happy to answer your question! I really hope my response will be helpful for you.

They're really impressed by how quickly you've learned and how well you've been able to navigate relationships. They're also super proud of you for standing up for yourself! They're really sad to see that things are strained between you and your family. It's so hard when there's conflict, alienation, and rigidity in a relationship. They feel like they're almost cut off from you, which must be really tough.

It's like you can't have your cake and eat it too! You've done something so difficult that you don't know what caused such a big reaction. The magnitude of the reaction also shows that your family cares about your existence and that you are very important to them. Do you agree?

It's also something that takes time to adjust. Your family of origin might feel a little abandoned at first, especially if you were once so good to them. But you know, this is also a process of adjustment, just as the order is disrupted. How do you repair a good relationship with your in-laws, and also reconcile with your family of origin again?

You also know how important your new family is to you, and that your new family system is the most important thing in your life. Your parents want you to be safe and healthy, and to do well for yourself. The most important thing you can do is to take care of your new family. The key is to have a peaceful state of mind and stable emotions, so that you have the ability to make choices in critical moments.

Your family has treated you in various ways, and you feel hurt and angry. It's okay to feel this way! It's natural to feel this way when you've been treated this way. In the past, you were so good to your family, but now they feel unfamiliar and insecure, so they lash out at others to feel balanced.

Your family of origin feels abandoned, so of course they are angry. It's okay to feel this way, but try to separate from them and tell them that you appreciate the sacrifices your parents and family have made. I have always loved you, but now I want to experience my own family well, and that is the greatest reward for you. Please allow me to do some things that I cannot do, and consider things that I have not thought through thoroughly. I will try my best to do a good job, and please remind me if there is anything. You will always be the people I care about most.

If your family of origin has a negative influence on you, you can distance yourself from them and make them think. Just like your in-laws, you should treat everyone equally and maintain boundaries. It is normal to have conflicts with your siblings. Filial piety is the responsibility of children. Speaking nicely and being happy will also reassure your parents.

Satisfy your own needs, resolve grievances, and let your inner world be rich. You will find that love is always around, and your family of origin is always demanding, even to the point of victimization. They feel that you have changed, and they want to change you in every way. You can also tell them how you have come out of the original state of your family.

Take a moment to thank your family for all their love and support over the years. Try to see things from your parents' perspective and appreciate how much they care for you. Your siblings may have different opinions, but that's what makes family relationships so interesting! Everyone wants to be special in their own way, and it's not always easy to please everyone. The best way to handle this is to be kind and patient with each other.

You have the ability to be happy, my dear friend. I'm sending you all my blessings.

Good morning.

I hope you can understand me.

How do women typically navigate the relationship between their husband's family and their own after marriage? What are some of the challenges women often face in this regard?

Happy New Year! Thank you for your question. This is the first question I have had the opportunity to answer since the beginning of the new year. It is already the middle of March, and I can't help but observe that it can be challenging to find time for oneself amidst the demands of daily life. Women tend to devote approximately three times as much energy to their families as men do, which is understandable given that contemporary women have a greater sense of autonomy. However, it is still a significant challenge to truly balance all their roles.

[The Dilemma and Happiness of Married Women]

While we all strive for happiness in our lives, marriage can bring new opportunities for joy as we embark on a new chapter together. However, it's important to recognize that extended family connections can also present unique challenges to our personal relationships. One of the more complex relationships is that of intimacy (spousal relationship), followed by the relationship between mother-in-law and daughter-in-law, and then the balance of the two families, and so on.

It may be helpful to consider that when our role in a relationship changes, the interpersonal dynamics we experience may also evolve. If our inner cognitive model remains unchanged, it's possible that we may encounter ongoing challenges and conflicts in our family relationships.

For instance, I may wish for others to be more supportive and understanding, yet in a strongly conflictual environment, it may prove challenging for the other person to be more understanding and accommodating. At this juncture, it's natural to wonder, "Who will make the first move?"

"And other questions."

If the person asking the question at this time is able to recognize that each member of a family relationship has their own family responsibilities and is an independent individual, it may help to clarify why frequent conflicts arise between each other. This could be due to the fact that each other's "boundaries" are not as clearly defined as they could be, or that there has been a misunderstanding or a lack of communication.

For instance, my husband has expressed a range of concerns about me, perceiving me as a potential source of challenges. Disagreements in close relationships can potentially lead to difficulties in maintaining overall stability and harmony within the family. If each family takes a confrontational stance and loses sight of their own boundaries, it could further complicate matters.

While I may feel aggrieved, I recognise that neither my husband nor I fully understood our respective responsibilities. We both blamed the other for the problem, which led to a series of unproductive arguments and power struggles.

It would be beneficial for women to understand the changes in their roles before entering into marriage. While maintaining their independence, they should be open to the process of role transformation. This will help to clarify your own self-boundaries and those of others, reducing the likelihood of conflict. Secondly, integrating into a new family does not mean giving up your own original family. It is about learning how to balance the respective positions and needs, so that both parties have a comprehensive understanding of their own roles and can meet each other's needs.

For instance, the family status in the question is presented in a certain order. In order to avoid potential disagreements, the questioner has divided the family status, which has brought about new changes in family relationships. The original family is at the bottom, and it is the first to voice dissatisfaction and protest. The family formed by the newcomers is equal in status, so it is unclear why it is ordered in this way.

It is understandable that my siblings, parents, and I have differing perspectives and opinions. However, I feel that there is a lack of constructive dialogue and understanding in our interactions. While it is not my intention to cause distress or anger, I believe that our communication style has a negative impact on our emotional well-being and relationship.

It is important to acknowledge that the questioner's perspective is valid. However, to maintain harmony and peace within the family, it is essential to prioritize the nuclear family's needs. While there may be differences in opinion between the two families, it is crucial to ensure that all parties involved are treated with respect and understanding. By doing so, we can foster a more balanced and emotionally understanding relationship between the three families.

I hope this helps.

I hope this answer is helpful to you.

I wish you the best of luck and hope you continue to do well.

Hello! I really hope my answer can help you in some way.

From your description, it seems that the mother-in-law's and father-in-law's families are in opposition, as if we cannot be nice to both sides at the same time. But there's no need to worry! We actually correspond to different roles in our mother's and father's families. If we do our part well in the relationship, I believe you will feel more comfortable in both relationships. And most importantly, we also need to handle our relationship with ourselves. We don't live for our mother's or father's families. What we need to do most is make ourselves happy. So let's do it!

I've got some great advice for you!

There's no doubt about it: the nuclear family is the foundation of our society, and we need to focus on strengthening it.

From the perspective of family system ordering, it is absolutely essential to put the nuclear family first! After all, the husband-wife relationship is always the number one priority. Without your husband-wife relationship, there would be no incidental relationship with each other's original families. So, let's focus on running our own nuclear family with gusto! While running our own nuclear family well, we get to take responsibility for the things that fall within our roles in both of our original families. We also get to maintain certain boundaries. We cannot involve the two original families too much, otherwise things will become more and more complicated. So, let's keep it simple and focus on what's important!

2. When it comes to your parents' home and your in-laws', you can absolutely avoid putting the two in opposition to each other! Instead, you should consider your own role in the relationship and just do your part well while protecting your own boundaries.

It's so important to remember that being good to your parents and being good to your in-laws are not conflicting or mutually exclusive. We need to be clear about our role in both relationships. For our parents, we are their daughter, so just do what a daughter should do. Put simply, it is to see what your parents need from you and do your best to fulfill that role within your abilities. For your in-laws, you are their daughter-in-law, so just do what a daughter-in-law should do. It is not difficult, really, just see what your parents-in-law need from you and do your best to fulfill that role within your abilities.

In any relationship, it's so important to remember that we're all equals. When we feel uncomfortable, we can speak up and express ourselves sincerely, rather than suppressing ourselves and trying to satisfy the needs of others. This is how we protect our own boundaries!

I'll give you an example from my own experience. When it comes to returning to my hometown for the New Year, my husband's family really looks forward to having a reunion dinner together on New Year's Eve. My mother-in-law also loves it when we prepare the meal and clean up together. So, as a daughter-in-law, I've spent every New Year's Eve at my husband's family since getting married. I love helping my mother-in-law with the housework, and it makes my parents-in-law really happy. My parents, on the other hand, want me to avoid returning to my hometown on the fifth day of the New Year. They also love the gifts they receive during the New Year, but they don't care about whether I help with housework or not. So, when I go back to my parents' home, I avoid going home on the fifth day of the New Year and give them the gifts they need. They're always so happy, and it makes them really happy when I help out with the housework.

And the best way to understand their needs and truly give them what they need is through effective communication, careful observation, and daily interactions. I believe you will have the wisdom to play the role of both a wife and daughter-in-law, as well as a daughter—and it'll be a blast! These roles are not contradictory. When you can play your role well in a relationship, you will feel nourished by each relationship.

3. You've got to take care of yourself and make yourself happy! It's the most important thing you can do!

The best thing you can do is focus on your relationship with yourself. When you have a great relationship with yourself and your inner harmony is restored, you'll find it much easier to let go of the negativity in other relationships. If you can take good care of yourself, if you recognize, accept, understand and respect yourself, you'll naturally stop expecting others to give you the same. You'll become freer and more autonomous in the relationship. And when you can really accept, understand, recognize and respect yourself, you'll also be more accepting, understanding, recognizing and respecting of others, which will in turn make your relationships more and more harmonious.

You know what? I think you'll find that although you say your current distress is caused by the dissatisfaction, accusations, suppression and negation of your in-laws or your birth family, in essence, it is largely caused by your own dissatisfaction, accusations and negation of yourself! Try to accept, understand, respect and recognize yourself and see what happens!

I'm sending you all my best wishes! Please feel free to refer to the above at any time.

Hello, question asker

It seems like it's always a challenge to find a healthy balance between your relationship with your husband's family and your own family. When you're thinking about your own family, it can feel like your in-laws are criticizing, blaming, and picking on you for various things, and you even have verbal conflicts with them. When you're thinking about your own family and caring about your husband's parents' relationship, it can feel like the people in your own family are unhappy, and you feel all kinds of dissatisfaction, criticism, blame, scolding, suppression, belittlement, picking on, and denial. It can feel like there are a lot of conflicts and it's almost unbearable.

From what you've said, it seems like you have a pretty clear idea of how to handle relationships, depending on how close you are to the other person. It seems like you either throw yourself into it wholeheartedly or you're more carefree and casual. Maybe your husband and your family have felt this way before. When you focus your attention on one side, the other side feels left out and treated differently, which makes them feel unhappy.

You're in a pretty tricky spot.

1. Initially, you were more attached to your family of origin, and your in-laws were not happy because they felt like you were prioritizing your family of origin over them.

2. And when you then focus all your attention on your own family and your husband's family, your parents might feel like you've forgotten about them. You've become less interested in them and more interested in your husband's family.

So, why does this happen?

1. The relationship between your family and your husband's family is pretty competitive. It seems like if they have you, they don't need you.

2. When you communicate with them, it seems like you only express your needs and rarely express the predicament and weakness you're in. You don't ask for their understanding and support. You talk too much and ask for advice too little, which causes misunderstanding and harshness towards you.

3. The two families' problems are basically at odds with each other, and they've been a headache to deal with since ancient times.

4. It's possible that there have been some conflicts and misunderstandings between the two families, and that some historical issues have made it more challenging for you to navigate the issues between them.

Here's some advice:

1. You can try to show your family members that you're not as strong as you seem, be honest about the challenges you're facing, and calmly look for solutions.

2. It'd be a good idea to try to get on well with each other and make a good impression on your in-laws and your wife's family.

3. Help the husband's and wife's families find something they can all get excited about, realize that they're all part of one big family, and that having more relatives means more options.

4. Get your husband to help you keep the relationship with your in-laws going, so you can focus on looking after your own family. The two families are connected because of your marriage, with your husband's family, your wife's family and your own family acting as the link between them. It'd be great if the husband and wife could share the responsibility of maintaining the relationship with their respective families, while also actively promoting mutual harmony between the in-laws, the wife's family and the husband's family.

Wishing you the best!

Thank you for the question.

The issue of "managing relationships with both the husband's and wife's families" is indeed quite complex and sensitive.

For this reason, I would like to share some thoughts with you for your reference.

I concur with your assertion that "after a woman gets married, her nuclear family is her small family."

It is important to note that the relationship between a husband and wife after marriage should take precedence over the relationship between the husband's family and the wife's family.

The relationship between a husband and wife is typically founded on a profound emotional connection, with both parties sharing all aspects of life together, thereby fostering a stronger and more enduring emotional bond.

In contrast, relationships with one's in-laws are primarily focused on family ties and kinship, rather than on shared living arrangements and the formation of a family unit.

Furthermore, couples typically have greater decision-making authority and autonomy, enabling them to independently shape their lifestyle and future plans.

A stable and harmonious marital relationship can provide individuals with greater emotional satisfaction and a sense of security, enabling them to better cope with the various challenges and pressures in life.

By contrast, the relationship with the in-laws may be influenced by factors such as family traditions and cultural customs, and decision-making power and autonomy are typically constrained.

While relationships with in-laws can provide a certain degree of emotional support, the marital relationship is ultimately more direct, deeper, and lasting.

Based on the aforementioned analysis, it is imperative to recognize the necessity of maintaining a stable and harmonious marital relationship, regardless of the circumstances. This includes addressing previous instances of dissatisfaction from in-laws, such as being the subject of criticism, accusations, and disdain, as well as current situations where family members are unhappy with one's decisions, leading to a lack of support and communication.

In regard to the question of how to handle relationships with both the mother's family and the father's family, it is indeed a challenge for you. However, I still suggest that you try the following methods and measures:

First and foremost, it is essential to communicate and understand each other.

Given the current circumstances, the restoration of the relationship with your in-laws can only be achieved through open communication and mutual understanding.

Based on the aforementioned understanding, it is recommended that you and your husband engage in open and honest communication with your respective families regarding your expectations, needs, and boundaries, while respecting each other's views and feelings.

Respect and empathy are key factors in maintaining a positive relationship.

I advise you to read the book Why Family Hurts by Wu Zhihong to gain insight into the impact of the imbalanced traditions of the two original families on the current relationship. By fostering understanding, you can enhance your respect and empathy.

This approach allows us to gain a deeper understanding of each other's family backgrounds and traditions, as well as the challenges and difficulties involved in navigating these relationships.

Secondly, it is essential to establish clear boundaries and rules.

In order to establish a stable and harmonious marital relationship, it is recommended that you and your spouse set family goals and values together, formulate and adhere to boundaries and rules for your relationship with your respective families, and clarify some responsibilities and obligations.

It is also important to maintain your personal independence and avoid becoming overly dependent on or constrained by either your husband's or your wife's family.

It is of particular importance to maintain a balance with both sides of the family and to avoid favoring one side or causing discord.

This includes guidance on how to handle related family matters, participate in collective activities of the husband's or wife's family, and other specific matters.

As a final measure, you may wish to consider seeking further external support.

As you sought assistance on this platform, you may also choose to consult with colleagues, friends, or relatives who can provide understanding and support. These individuals can offer additional emotional support and positive advice.

Should the relationship with your in-laws remain unresolved and continue to impact your couple's daily life, we advise seeking professional external assistance, such as the guidance of a marriage and family counselor, to obtain expert advice and guidance tailored to your specific needs.

We hope you find this information useful.

Dear Questioner, My name is Peilü.

Let me extend a welcoming gesture first.

The questioner's difficulties in managing relationships with both her husband's and her own families after marriage have been a significant challenge. Despite her best efforts, she continues to face criticism and challenges from both sides. Dealing with family relationships has been a source of stress and frustration. While she has made progress in her relationship with her husband's family, her relationship with her own family remains strained.

Data interpretation:

The issue at hand is the challenge of managing relationships with both her husband's and her own families after marriage. Despite her best efforts, she continues to face criticism and challenges from both sides, making it difficult to find a balance that satisfies all parties. The dynamics of family relationships often lead to feelings of exhaustion and frustration. After years of effort, she has managed to establish a positive relationship with her husband's family. However, her connection with her own family remains strained and characterized by frequent conflicts.

I empathize with your situation. You are striving to maintain harmony and stability within your family, and you desire acknowledgment from both your immediate and extended family. However, the outcomes of these efforts have not been entirely satisfactory. You are experiencing feelings of self-doubt, disappointment, and helplessness.

The following is an analysis of the reasons.

The following strategy is recommended:

Following your personal transformation and learning experience, you have prioritised your family relationships. Currently, your new family is calm and your old family is quiet. This approach has had some positive outcomes, but it has also introduced new challenges. When conflicts arise, if you consistently prioritise the interests of your new family and your husband's family over those of your old family, it is likely that your old family will become disappointed over time.

The term "bias" can be defined as the tendency to favour one side of an issue over another, without adjusting the balance accordingly. This can result in a natural tilting of the scale, making it challenging to maintain equilibrium.

Personal advice

It would be beneficial to adjust your perception.

"Every family has its own difficulties." It is important to recognize that conflicts in family relationships are common. No individual is perfect, and our abilities and energy are limited. It is challenging, and not always realistic, to gain the approval and satisfaction of everyone in interpersonal relationships. However, we can strive to achieve a balance and maintain a stable state with all parties involved. It is understandable that your family is your core. Once you have established a stable and positive family dynamic, you can consider the interests of your wife's family and your own family when you have the time. The importance of each circle can be adjusted in a timely manner according to your needs and the actual situation. There is no need to adhere to a fixed order.

It is important to maintain open communication.

The relationship with them has become strained, marked by conflict, distance, isolation, rigidity, and a lack of connection. It appears that your current relationship with your family is experiencing difficulties. It seems that you still hope to gain their understanding and support. Addressing the conflicts and disagreements between you may require you to take the initiative to make some changes. Maintaining the status quo may exacerbate the situation. Their accusations and suppression may convey certain messages to you. On the one hand, they express their dissatisfaction, and having dissatisfaction means that they have expectations for you. On the other hand, they may very well be hoping to gain your attention and support. You may wish to try to communicate honestly with your family, talk about your difficulties and grievances, and express your love and expectations for your family with practical actions. At the same time, listen to their true thoughts and face the conflicts together to find a solution.

Please let me know if I can be of further assistance.

I would like to take this opportunity to express my love and appreciation for you and the world.

Family relationships are a complex and delicate system involving many factors such as emotions, expectations, roles and responsibilities. Dealing with relationships with both sides of the family after marriage can be challenging, but it's also an amazing opportunity to learn and grow! Each family has its own culture, values and habits, and these differences can lead to friction and conflict, but they also create a rich tapestry of experiences and perspectives.

In the situation you mentioned, when you favor your family of origin, your husband's family may feel neglected or disrespected, which can lead to resentment and conflict. But here's the good news! When you start to pay attention to and work to maintain your own little family and build a good relationship with your husband, children, and in-laws, the people in your family of origin may feel alienated or unappreciated, which can lead to similar reactions.

This situation, which presents an opportunity for growth for both parties, actually reflects a common phenomenon: people often find it difficult to strike a balance in multiple intimate relationships.

It takes effort and wisdom to resolve this issue, but it'll all be worth it in the end! Here are some suggestions that may be helpful:

Prioritize family relationships! Every family is important, but your nuclear family is your small family. When dealing with family relationships, make your small family the top priority!

Embrace your independence and autonomy! After marriage, you and your husband form a new family together, which means you get to make decisions together and share responsibilities. When maintaining family relationships, maintain a certain degree of independence and autonomy, and avoid being overly dependent on or submissive to either party.

Communication is key! Stay open and honest with both sides of the family, sharing your thoughts and feelings while also listening to their opinions and suggestions. Celebrate the differences and boundaries that make each family unique.

It's so important to have a support system in place! Find friends or professionals you can talk to and seek support from when dealing with family relationships.

Be patient and tolerant! Dealing with family relationships is an adventure that requires time and patience. You may encounter various challenges and difficulties along the way, but remember to stay tolerant and understanding. You can absolutely find a way to solve the problem!

And finally, remember that everyone has their own way and pace of handling family relationships. Don't be too demanding of yourself or others, respect each other's differences and choices, and believe that you will find a balance that suits you perfectly!

Hi, I'm happy to answer your question. I hope my suggestions are helpful.

From what you've said, I can see you've made a lot of progress. When we change roles, we need to allow for an adjustment period. From daughter to wife to mother, we have to learn to take on different responsibilities. Even when we're dealing with problems, we have to focus on different things and use different approaches.

We've now fully realized that our own little family is the most important thing. This is a great example of self-regulation and awareness. The next step is to understand that whether it's the mother's family or the father's family, they're equal. In other words, the second most important family is these two families, regardless of order. Only then can we achieve a better balance, and this balance needs to be adjusted over time. This adjustment isn't about adjusting ourselves, but about adjusting the thoughts of the in-laws and our own parents.

Your in-laws will feel like you're prioritizing your own family over theirs. They'll be jealous and resentful.

My parents will also feel like you're not treating them fairly. I've supported you for so many years, but you prioritize your husband's family over mine. They'll be jealous and resentful.

It's clear that these two families will cause us a lot of grief, no matter which one we favor. We may even be unsure of how to handle the situation. Have you noticed, though, that if we put our own small family first, whether it's the in-laws or the parents' side, there will be no objections? This is because the parents of these two families know very well that their own children are important, and so are their children's children. Therefore, their own children will treat their own children as the first priority and will not object.

We also need to understand this point about fairness.

I think this balanced approach, where we each take care of our own parents, may be more appropriate in some ways.

For instance, if we have to pay alimony to the elderly, and I give my in-laws 1,000 yuan a month, then my father-in-law's family also needs to give 1,000 yuan. This is balance.

If we've achieved this balance but the parents-in-law or parents still have something to say, we need to go and explain to them. At this point, we should go to each parent to explain.

Because for blood relatives, they're the only ones who can understand the difficulties of their children. For example, we can give our parents some bills and say that the current mortgage and car loan, daily expenses, including some of the child's school fees, and the couple's salaries are not particularly high. This means the money we can give to our parents as filial piety or to buy some supplements or something can only be of this price range. We hope that our parents will not mind, and if our lives get better in the future, we will also give our parents more money.

First, parents want to be considerate and make sure their kids have what they need. They might even worry about whether their grandchildren lack food and clothing. Only then will they compare and say whether the money they receive is the same as that received by their in-laws.

But if we switch roles and it is the daughter-in-law who is speaking to the mother-in-law, or the son-in-law who is speaking to the father-in-law, the first thing the parents on both sides will think is that you're making excuses and speaking for your parents. Then our point won't be made, and they won't understand our intentions.

When it comes to in-laws and your mother-in-law's family, it's important to communicate with your husband properly. As a young couple, you should agree on a way to maintain your own little family while finding ways to adapt and integrate into your extended family.

It's only natural that there will be some conflicts or misunderstandings along the way. The key is to understand the root of the problem and find a solution. This process can also be discussed with your partner because, after all, the person who knows their parents best is definitely their own children. We can learn about our respective parents' thoughts or ways to make them feel comfortable through communication with our partners.

Once we've figured out how we relate to our in-laws and our own parents, we can then focus on our relationships with our other relatives.

It's important to remember that the only immediate family members are parents, spouses, and children. Siblings who grew up together since childhood and even distant relatives are not immediate family. Even though we may have a close relationship, we need to remember that we're not related by blood. There are many times when our matters don't require sharing with collateral relatives or relatives.

We can handle some big things, like our loved ones, but if it's a daily trivial matter, we'd rather keep it between us.

In our daily lives, we mostly deal with trivial matters. These can sometimes become the source of our accumulated problems.

It doesn't matter if it's a fight between a husband and wife or a big family, it's always about the same things: who does the housework and who takes care of the kids. These are all pretty trivial issues, but they can still cause arguments. That's because everyday life is made up of these kinds of things. If you take away the decision-making power over these issues from the man and woman of the house, then they'll become major problems, and dealing with them will become even more difficult.

So, when it comes to getting along with both the extended and nuclear families, it's important to have a sense of boundaries. This means that the husband and wife need to be on the same page, and even work with their parents to handle this sense of boundaries well.

So, the key is to handle your own family well, handle your marriage well, communicate well with your parents, and then learn to get along with all your extended family members in a friendly way.

I hope that through some self-reflection and regular communication with your partner, you can find a family relationship model that suits you both.

I love you, the world, and everything in it!

Dear questioner, I can sense your current emotional state. It seems that you are facing a dilemma, torn between your husband's family and your own family. This is indeed a challenging situation. However, it's important to remember that you're not alone in this experience. Many women find themselves in similar circumstances.

Perhaps we could work together to gradually sort out this problem and see if we can find some solutions.

I appreciate your thoughtful approach to family relationships. You recognize the importance of the nuclear family as the core unit, while also acknowledging the value of in-laws and the family of origin as integral parts of the larger family structure.

I believe this is a good starting point, as it helps you to better position yourself in your family's roles and positions.

However, managing these relationships is not without its challenges. Given the differences in personalities, experiences, and values among family members, it is understandable that there may be occasional friction and conflict.

I believe this is why you feel torn between the two sides.

How might we respond to this situation? I would like to share a little story I heard.

A girl who had encountered similar problems decided to start with herself and consider a different approach to her interactions with her family. She chose to focus on her own principles and positions rather than trying to please everyone.

At the same time, she also worked hard to improve her communication skills and emotional management skills in order to communicate better with her family. Gradually, she found that the relationship between family members had become much more harmonious.

This story offers us a valuable lesson in how to navigate family relationships with wisdom and patience. We can begin by considering the following aspects:

It may be helpful to consider maintaining independence and autonomy. After getting married, it might be beneficial to have our own lives and space, and to avoid relying too much on either family.

This approach can help us maintain our independence and autonomy while making decisions that align with our own interests.

Secondly, it would be beneficial to learn to communicate and express yourself. When spending time with family members, it is important to express your thoughts and feelings honestly, while also listening to their opinions and views.

I believe that through effective communication, we can reduce misunderstandings and conflicts and enhance mutual understanding and trust.

Third, it is important to respect each other's differences. Every family has its own unique culture and traditions, and it is essential to embrace these differences without trying to impose changes on one another.

If we can all respect each other and find common ground, we can build a more harmonious relationship.

If you feel that you would benefit from some additional support in navigating these challenges, you might consider seeking the guidance of a psychologist or family therapist.

They can offer further professional advice and guidance to assist you in better managing your family relationships.

If I might make one more suggestion, it would be to remember that dealing with family relationships is a long-term process that requires patience and hard work. You may find it helpful to believe in yourself and your ability to solve this problem.

It is also important to allow yourself time to adjust and adapt to the new family environment.

In short, dear questioner, you are not alone, as many people face similar challenges. I encourage you to believe in yourself and face problems bravely, as I believe you will be able to find a solution that suits you.

I wish you all the best and hope you find happiness and joy!

Hello, dear question asker!

I just want to say that I admire you so much for having the courage to change, to grow and mature continuously, and to handle your family relationships so well.

I just wanted to say that I think it's really great that you're aware of this and are taking action to maintain your small family. It's so important to remember that when we form a small family, it's our first priority. Well done!

However, you have some struggles when it comes to your family and your husband's family. It's hard to know whether to put your family first or your husband's family first.

Take a moment to think about who you feel a closer connection to.

Of course, it's totally normal to feel close to your birth family. There's absolutely nothing wrong with that!

If your in-laws are having a hard time understanding you, it might be because they're asking a lot of you.

It's only natural! Just like if there is a mother-in-law and a mother, of course you will prefer your mother more. Even if you buy the same gifts for the holidays, you will still feel closer to your mother and hope to stay at your mother's house for a little longer when you go back.

It's so important to respect and care for your mother-in-law, even though she didn't raise you, educate you, or support you as a mother.

It would also be really helpful for you to think about your own values and focus on supporting your own side, rather than your family. I'm really sorry to hear that you were accused by your in-laws.

If the issue is with the in-laws, there's absolutely nothing wrong with siding with your family of origin.

But if your family of origin isn't doing the best, it's because they're your family of origin, so you help them out, which can sometimes lead to a few misunderstandings and a bit of distance from the in-laws.

Your family doesn't know what's going on, and they need to get so many relatives involved. It's okay, though! Everyone needs to take care of their own little family first, just like you.

If you have the energy to spare, you can help the other family members, but there's absolutely no need to get involved in other people's family matters.

Family members are supposed to support and understand each other, but it can be so hard! Sometimes, they pick on you and blame you. Is that really a good thing?

For example, if your in-laws understand your situation in your family of origin and your family of origin appreciates your difficulties, it will be more harmonious. If they still won't let it go, you can talk about your confusion and pain. It's okay to feel confused and hurt. You're not alone.

Don't worry, it's not shameful, and nobody's perfect!

You've got this! Stay strong!

Hello!

It's true that after marriage, women have a lot more roles to play and their relationships become much more complicated. We always have to deal with many relationships: we're wives and mothers in our new family, daughters-in-law in our husband's family, and daughters in our birth family.

This complex set of relationships often leaves us feeling confused and overwhelmed. It's easy to become close to some family members and distant from others, which can lead to dissatisfaction in either your husband's or your parents' families. It's a tough spot to be in.

I can tell how tough it is for you, so I'm sending you a virtual hug, hoping it brings you a little warmth and comfort.

When you long for your family of origin, your mother-in-law and father-in-law, and your husband are unhappy with you. After five or six years of marriage, you realize that all you've ever wanted is a complete family. You begin to learn and grow, and you manage to handle your relationships with your husband, children, and in-laws.

You're doing great! I admire how you've managed your relationship with your spouse and made such progress. You've also done well with your in-laws, which shows how much you've improved and achieved your goals.

It seems like you view the nuclear family as your core family, your in-laws as the second most important family relationship, and your natal family as the third most important family relationship. While there is a difference between the second and third levels, I don't see a significant difference and they are all relatively close relationships.

Your way of thinking is totally reasonable. It's now widely accepted that the traditional nuclear family is the core family unit, and the husband-wife relationship is the most important. Every family is different, and you're prioritizing based on your own needs and those of your family. There's no right or wrong situation. What matters is that every family has its own unique characteristics, and what's best for your family is the best solution.

Now your family is unhappy again. Your parents and siblings are dissatisfied with you in every way, accusing, belittling, and picking on you. The relationship has become full of conflict and is almost severed. I think that a conflict with your family or severing ties is a result you don't want to see. You're asking questions here because you want to restore an intimate emotional relationship with your family. After all, they are your parents and siblings, and you are connected by blood.

At the same time, you want to get along well with your husband and in-laws and don't want to lose the harmonious relationship. This puts you in a tough spot and you're not sure what to do.

Family relationships can be distant or close, but how far apart are they? I think that letting conflicts get out of hand and turn into estrangement is a pretty big distance between people, and it's tough to deal with.

I imagine your family might find it tricky to adjust to your changed relationship dynamics.

If there are conflicts of interest or emotions between the mother's family and the wife's family, it's tough to stay neutral. You might be able to be close to one family and distance yourself from the other. If there aren't any major conflicts, can you scale back the level of intimacy?

Is it possible to keep the emotional relationship between the husband's family and the wife's family almost balanced, and would that make both families happy?

Blood is thicker than water. The bond between you and your family of origin is strong and can't be broken. I believe that our parents and siblings don't intend to make things difficult for us. When the family of origin raises objections, it's because they're uncomfortable.

Can we take a moment to pause and reflect? Do we need to make some minor adjustments to our emotional balance so that we can strengthen our relationship with our mother's family and maintain our family ties? I truly appreciate your efforts.

If this period is very difficult, please don't try to bear it alone. If you need to, please contact a heart exploration coach or a psychological counselor. Let them support you, understand you deeply, and explore with you a path to a more balanced relationship. It's important to understand our needs in relationships.

I wish you the best of luck.

Question author:

I am Kelly Shui.

A woman must learn to navigate the relationship between her husband's family and her own after marriage. It is a challenging task, but she can do it.

After reading the original poster's words, I am certain of your love for everyone, including your feelings for your family. At the same time, I know you are also very courageous. In the face of so many problems, you have grown through learning, which I admire greatly.

[About marriage]

After marriage, many of us don't immediately cut off ties with our families. If we have a close relationship with our families, we learn to let go.

Each of us gains independence when we marry, saying goodbye to our families and starting a new life together.

If we change our thinking and imagine that we are the parents-in-law or a husband who is very good to his own family, we can easily see how we would feel if we were in your situation.

We understood their thoughts and could understand each other, despite some verbal conflicts along the way.

It also made you self-aware. As the saying goes in psychology, those who suffer change.

We must accept what happens to us in the process. Many experiences need to be personally experienced before they can be understood.

For example, if you realize that all you've ever wanted is a complete family, you need to decide what that looks like.

This family has people you love, your own children, etc. We must ask ourselves what good qualities we have learned from our respective parents.

This marriage allows us to see our own inner emotions and needs. We can and should love our family, and we can learn to love with boundaries, including our relationship with our in-laws.

Your in-laws can share their feelings with you, but they cannot criticize you. Criticism will damage your relationship.

We understand their actions, but we don't have to agree with them.

You and your husband must communicate with each other after marriage. This includes discussing his feelings and thoughts, your expectations and ideas for marriage, and how to run your own family.

[About the nuclear family]

The nuclear family after marriage is also the small family you mentioned. There is no doubt that if our relationship is good, the children will also grow up happily in this atmosphere.

It is essential to manage family relationships well, whether with in-laws or your own family, and to take responsibility for your own actions.

Relationships are mutual. You can adjust your abilities and make your own families go more smoothly. This requires wisdom and tolerance, as well as the sense of responsibility of you as a couple.

Let's be real, many people also have trouble running their own households.

This is the result of your joint efforts as a couple.

[About boundaries]

After marriage, our status changes. We are the daughter-in-law to our in-laws, the daughter to our family, the wife to our husband, and the mother to our children.

Most importantly, we must find ourselves. We can and should maintain appropriate boundaries.

I want to know who is involved in the dissatisfaction with others, criticism, accusations, reprimands, suppression, belittling, nitpicking, and negation.

Is it about them or about you?

I want to know why this happens and who allows it.

A loving family affirms each other, sees the good in each other, and at the same time lowers their expectations of others.

Each of us has our own limitations. We do what we can, and while we cannot guarantee that others will be satisfied or like us, we can be confident that we are doing our best.

There is a metaphor we use when learning about family therapy:

Our family is a bank. We all put money in, and we all take money out when we need it.

If someone saves but doesn't spend, no one would be willing to save money all the time.

You don't have to meet everyone's needs and expectations just because you can see what they are.

Express your thoughts and current abilities, and you'll quickly stop caring about what others think.

We care about ourselves, learn to love ourselves, empathize with ourselves, and realize that seeing ourselves is not easy.

And accept your own limitations. It's hard to satisfy ourselves, let alone others.

When one member of a family changes, the system changes. It takes time, but it's worth it. You have to see yourself to make changes.

Take a step back and look at the bigger picture. See what's really going on and how you can make everyone's boundaries more comfortable.

Read these books: The Power of Self-Care, This World Is Worth Living, and Self-Boundaries.

The World and I Love You

Good day, my name is Xin Tan and I am Coach Fei Yun. Life is a beautiful journey, not for appreciation, but for growth and development.

I can discern the growth you have achieved and the difficulties you have experienced in navigating family relationships. First and foremost, I commend you for utilizing your own resources and taking the initiative to confront challenges head-on, rather than avoiding them. In response to this issue, let us engage in a collaborative discourse to:

1. The husband-wife relationship represents the nucleus of familial relationships.

In traditional Chinese marriages and families, it is not uncommon for three or even four generations to reside together. This dynamic presents unique challenges and necessitates a high degree of tact in handling family relationships.

As you have likely experienced, once the initial adjustment period has elapsed and the associated costs have been incurred, it becomes evident that one's primary focus should be on one's own family unit.

It is imperative to attend to the needs of one's own family while simultaneously fostering a harmonious relationship between one's in-laws and one's own family. It is neither feasible nor advisable to "level with both sides" or to "feel at ease and ignore it."

The term "tradition" encompasses a set of behaviors and practices that are collectively agreed upon by a group of individuals and are not explicitly codified in written laws or regulations. These traditions are not necessarily enforced by any external authority but are nonetheless adhered to by the members of the group.

For example, the idiomatic expression "men marry wives" and "women get married" reflects a distinction between two marital pathways. One is a union that is entered into with the intention of becoming part of the family, whereas the other is a union that is entered into with the intention of becoming part of a different family. Consequently, it is a common emotional experience that a woman will become part of her husband's family when she marries into it, and it is widely considered to be appropriate for her to become closer to her in-laws.

This is merely a personal viewpoint, however, personal opinions are not facts. Both parents and in-laws are immediate family members, and there is no distinction between them in terms of proximity, intimacy, or importance.

Moreover, the hierarchy of relationships you have established remains subjective and partial.

However, the crucial point has already been identified: the couple represents the nucleus of the family. If an individual is able to manage their intimate relationship and small family effectively, and if they are united with their partner, they can then "unite against outsiders."

2. It is imperative to maintain a sense of boundaries when interacting with close relatives.

As previously stated, if the couple can achieve consensus, the subsequent step will be more straightforward.

First and foremost, it is imperative to establish and maintain clear boundaries with both one's in-laws and one's own family. Fan Shengmei, as depicted in "Ode to Joy," endured a prolonged period of emotional manipulation by her parents, which ultimately led to her becoming a "stalker." There are multiple factors at play, including the actions of her parents and her own personal circumstances.

If one fails to maintain one's sense of boundaries over time, one will inevitably remain "entangled" with one's original family. There is nothing inherently problematic with filial piety; however, misguided forms of filial piety can also cause harm to both the individual and those around them.

The popularity of film and television dramas can be attributed to their relatable, down-to-earth plots and the universality of their themes, which resonate with audiences on a personal level. These stories offer a unique opportunity for reflection, prompting viewers to examine their own experiences and challenges in a way that is both engaging and thought-provoking.

Secondly, mutual respect between spouses fosters respect for each other's parents.

It is advisable to agree upon these matters in advance, including the giving of gifts and holiday allowances during the New Year and other holidays, as well as the attendance of weddings and funerals of each other's families. It is unfeasible to please everyone, but at least there will be no conflicts between husband and wife.

In order to "please the mother's/wife's heart," it is necessary to devote a certain amount of thought to the matter. The use of verbal bribery, the offering of small favors on weekdays, and the bestowal of special expressions on special days are all effective methods that can be employed to achieve this end.

Ultimately, it is essential to adhere to the fundamental principles of integrity and authenticity, and to cultivate a sense of inner peace and contentment.

The older generation's thought processes differ from those of the younger generation, and they still adhere to traditional values. It is important to allow and accept their limitations, even if one performs an action perfectly. The younger generation may still perceive deficiencies in their actions.

One should not utilize the standards of others as a benchmark; rather, one should adhere to one's own internal standard of peace of mind.

"Why Home Hurts" is recommended for you to gain your own clarity (sober understanding) in the complicated and trivial aspects of life.

It is my sincere hope that the aforementioned information is beneficial to you and, indeed, to the wider world.

Should you wish to pursue this discussion further, you are invited to visit my personal homepage, entitled "Heart Exploration Service."

I am grateful for your trust and invitation. This topic is indeed one that has been a challenge for many people throughout history.

Discussing such topics is always inextricably linked to the kind of life you want, the people in this life, and which are close and which are far away. Human energy is always limited, and no matter how much you want to juggle everything, you will inevitably encounter trade-offs. One of the most fundamental and enduring dilemmas is the question of how to prioritize between two equally important tasks when only one can be completed at a time.

If there is only one dimension to emotions, then it is likely that the answer to similar problems will always satisfy one party but disappoint the other. This may be somewhat similar to the situation faced by the original poster. Before discussing how this answer can be written, it would be helpful to clarify what is meant by belonging to the mother's family or the wife's family.

It is worth noting that maintaining a distance can be beneficial in allowing for a clearer understanding of the differences between your in-laws and your own family. This can provide an opportunity to recognize that there are often significant contrasts between these two relationships. For instance, your own family may experience a shift from a close, mother-child bond to a more distant relationship as you grow up, gradually moving away from intimacy. In contrast, your in-laws may undergo a similar transition, moving from complete strangers to a gradually closer bond. It is important to recognize that these two relationships are not always straightforward. If your in-laws expect a level of closeness with your own family that you have not yet achieved, it is essential to acknowledge the unique dynamics of your upbringing. Similarly, your own family may have differing expectations regarding the level of closeness with your in-laws, considering the potential influence of their family environment in the future. However, it is not always easy to clearly perceive these nuances. Individuals in the positions of your in-laws and your own family may not always have a clear understanding of these complexities. This can create a challenging situation for individuals who are able to bridge the two families, like the original poster. It is important to recognize the effort and resilience required to navigate these differences. It is essential to acknowledge your own achievements in reaching this point. Celebrating your ability to connect the two families is a valuable step in managing these complexities.

If I might make one more suggestion, perhaps we could consider developing more rational people. This would help us to avoid feeling isolated. It might also be helpful to practise some communication skills. For example, we could try expressing our desire for closeness to the in-laws, without appearing weak. We could also express our willingness to continue trying, and tell the natal family that things are as usual, but that there are various unavoidable circumstances after getting married. Complaining is also a form of intimacy, so we should try to avoid that. Finally, we could express our hope for understanding and support. The most important thing is to build a unified understanding of your own family, emotional support and understanding for each other, regardless of which parent you are on either side of. Mutual understanding and help are also essential. After all, couples are in a similar situation and are natural allies. They are also the origin of this difficulty. They should be developed well, and this is the best gift for the next generation.

I would like to wish the host the very best of luck!