How can you get close again after a rift? How should you forgive?

Hello, I'm Shaotian, a counselor who has similar experiences. I understand your question. It seems like your relationship with your mother has made you think for a long time. You want and care about family affection. Today, I'll talk to you about this from a simple perspective.

If you could make a fight with your loved ones seem like it never happened, what would you do?

We may want to ignore problems with loved ones, but they can't be deleted. What can change is how you view the problem. Perhaps it's a chance to communicate. Communication is sharing your thoughts and feelings with someone, and asking for their opinion. Once you understand why you have differences, you'll stop caring about the problem.

I want to be nice to her, but I feel it would be fake.

I don't know how you define "fake," but I might say it's when you don't know what someone likes. For example, you want to get her a Mother's Day gift, but you don't know what to get her. So you buy a foot bath, which is popular online, thinking that if everyone else is getting this, you might as well get it too.

If you give your mother a gift and she just says "thank you," you may feel disappointed. But if you had asked her what she liked, the result would have been different. Even if she says she needs a pair of red thermal socks right now, I believe she will feel the same way as you do when receiving a gift she likes.

If you want to build a close relationship, you have to get to know each other and understand each other's needs. Then you can make an effort. You'll get what you want. Good luck.

Dear Question Asker,

It is evident that you are a highly assertive individual. In the context of an unhappy marriage, you made the decision to divorce at an opportune time. Despite not receiving approval from your adoptive mother, you have now established a happy life with your son.

It requires considerable courage to live with one's son after a divorce. We were able to reduce the tension in our relationship by modifying our behavior in a more mature and sensible manner, which ultimately led to a change in her opinion of me.

I posit that we are accomplished women who are not willing to submit to the arrangements of life. We are courageous in trying new things and refuse to admit defeat. We are, in short, excellent.

Secondly, our relationship with our adoptive mother appears to be somewhat strained. Our adoptive mother genuinely hopes that we are doing well. She is aware that during the divorce proceedings, we may have experienced feelings of self-doubt. I believe that we were primarily raised by our adoptive mother, and therefore, we have a deep understanding of her character. Despite our status as adopted children, our mother also provided us with care and support. Despite the absence of a biological connection, she was able to nurture us during our formative years. This was a challenging aspect for our adoptive mother, who was still quite young at the time. I believe that her decision to provide us with love and care at a young age was influenced by her desire to prevent us from experiencing suffering. However, the bond of blood also appears to shape our emotional connections.

At our core, we yearn to return to the days when we were mere infants, receiving undivided attention from our foster mothers. This sentiment persists within us, and it stands to reason that it is similarly felt by foster mothers.

The older generation of elderly people may be less adept at expressing love in the same ways that we younger individuals are, but there are numerous avenues through which love can be demonstrated. Despite the estrangement that has occurred between us and our adoptive mother over the years, have we been able to fulfill our emotional needs through alternative means?

Indeed, this incident allows us to gain insight into our true desires. What are our inner needs?

What are the available methods for achieving this, and how can we compensate for our current situation? If our adoptive mother is unable to provide us with what we desire at this time, can we find ways to fulfill our expectations independently?

The subsequent discussion focused on strategies for enhancing the relationship with our adoptive mother. We have matured and are cognizant of the challenges she endured in the past. Despite our individual decisions and her expressed disappointment, I believe the mother-daughter bond remains unbreakable. We all possess internal emotions, yet currently, we are all reticent. However, we can endeavor to convey our thoughts and feelings to our adoptive mother.

While a barrier may be a barrier, love is love. Our needs, our relationship with our foster mother,

These are all distinct elements, and it is necessary to establish a coherent connection between them in our minds.

Dear reader, it is possible to love oneself well. Despite the absence of nurturing parental figures during one's formative years and the lack of care from subsequent partners, one can still find beauty in life.

It is imperative that we learn to love ourselves. In order to do so, we must also learn to care for ourselves while caring for those around us.

I would like to extend my best wishes to you. I have returned. I am grateful for the opportunity to interact with you and to engage in dialogue about psychology, the world, and my affection for you.

Hello, question asker! Thanks so much for your kind invitation and for putting your trust in me.

As I grew up, I realized that I wasn't as important to my mom as I thought I was. I also noticed that I wasn't close to my relatives. There was a bit of a barrier between us. How can I make it seem like nothing happened?

We're just good friends, more like relatives.

From what you've told me, it's clear that you're feeling pretty sad and hurt by your mom's lack of affection. I can imagine it's hard when you're close with someone and then feel like your place in their heart is changing. It seems like there are some issues between you and your mom, too.

It's only when I need them that I feel close to someone. We don't chat much and they don't often reach out.

We keep our distance from each other, but we're both doing our best. Sometimes I want to care more about them, but it seems like that would be hypocritical.

I think it's best if we keep our distance for now.

It's totally normal to feel closer to your mom when you need her, and it's okay to express your needs to those close to you. This kind of interaction is what makes us feel loved and connected. It's understandable that you want to care for your mom, especially since she's not as present as you'd like. It's also understandable that you feel a bit out of balance emotionally, given your mom's behavior towards you. She has spent less time on you, so it's natural that you don't feel as loved as you'd like. It's great that you want to care for her, and I'm here to support you in finding a healthy balance.

She is my wonderful adoptive mother. Before my younger brother was born, she still cared about me when I was just 3 or 4 years old. When I was a child, I was so cute! She often kissed me on the cheek and watched me dance.

Since she started a new family and had a younger brother, she didn't show me as much love as I needed, which I totally get. What made me feel cold was that after I grew up and got married, I didn't do well, and she felt even more that her efforts weren't rewarded. I can see how that would make her look down on me a bit.

She also has some concerns about my divorce and my decision to bring up a son on my own, as she feels it might be a bit of a burden for me.

I can see that you really hope that your mother cares about you, and I can understand why you think she's your adoptive mother. Perhaps your mother has not established a caring behavior pattern towards you, and she lacks the ability in terms of family education. When she had her own child, her care shifted to her own biological child, which is understandable. I can see that you really hope that she cares about you and cares about you, but she has set conditions on you, saying that you have to reciprocate. Perhaps she saw that you got married and your relationship with her became distant again, and she believes that her nurturing kindness towards you is very important and hopes that you will give her something in return, so she doesn't want you to raise the child on your own, for fear that you will suffer. Perhaps your mother doesn't have a good way of expressing herself and has been a little mean and aggressive towards you, but I think she also has some love in her heart for you.

I know it can be tough, but I'm here to help!

My dear friend, I hope these words of wisdom will help you on your journey. Personal advice:

I'm here for you, and I'm so happy to be able to share some personal advice with you.

[1] It's so important to establish a good communication relationship with your mother. Sometimes the distance between us and other people is often because the two of us do not have good communication skills. A good way of communicating will bring the two of you closer, and I'm sure you'll both feel so much better for it!

You can also look for some great books online to help you learn how to express yourself in a way that makes everyone feel more comfortable.

[2] It's important to establish reasonable boundaries. It's totally normal for us adopted kids to not have close relationships with our moms. But we can still have a good, healthy relationship with them. I think the best way is to be friends with them, not too close or too far apart.

[3] Be grateful for her loving care and try to understand that she might not always see things the way you do. Our parents are always looking out for us, and your mom is no exception. She might just be in the role of a parent for the first time, so try to be patient with her.

Some parents don't fully understand the incredible gift that children are. And sadly, some people treat their biological children and non-biological children differently, which isn't fair to anyone. But here's the thing: even though there's no parent-child relationship, we can still be grateful for the amazing way our mothers nurtured us.

Finally, if we can forgive and see past all the barriers, I truly believe that our relationship will eventually become closer. It all depends on whether we're willing to untie this knot in our hearts. If you think it's not important, let go of the knot in your heart. Your mother will also be influenced by you, and she'll realize that she doesn't need to attach too much importance to the past. Some of the barriers between you will also be resolved. Just learn to be aware and communicate. Learn to establish good communication methods, and you'll see that it will also affect the way another person treats us.

I really hope this helps! It's just my humble opinion, but I think it could make a difference.

I really hope these opinions are helpful to you!

It's important to remember that everyone is an independent individual. Even if two people are very close, they still have their own identities and ways of thinking.

Perhaps you could give the questioner a hug? From your description, I can see that you have experienced the following.

1. You were raised by your adoptive mother. Before she had her own children, she cared for you as if you were her own.

But after she started a new family and had a younger brother, your role in the family shifted. 2. After you grew up and got married, she was disappointed because the marriage was not ideal and your financial situation was not good. This led to some feelings of regret and a sense that her efforts had not paid off.

3. As a result, your relationship with your adoptive mother is not as close as that between family members, but it is closer than that between ordinary people. You get along with her as well as you would with a relative.

If I may, I would like to share my views. I can understand your longing for true maternal love and your desire for unconditional support and acceptance from your family. However, it seems that there is always that one thing missing between you and your mother: unconditional love and care.

Have you ever considered looking for your biological parents since you grew up? I know that some couples who have been unable to have children for a long time will adopt a child to bring up. It's possible that if they had given birth to a child themselves, they might have been less able to give their adopted child the same level of care.

It is not uncommon for adopted children to have a different relationship with their adoptive parents than with their biological parents. Some children and parents enjoy a close relationship throughout their lives, while others may have a more distant or complex dynamic. The nature of the relationship depends on the personalities and characteristics of both the child and the parents.

It seems that closeness is the result of efforts made by both sides. Similarly, if there is not enough closeness, it may be because both sides have their reasons. From your description, it seems that although your adoptive mother did not care about you that much, she was still quite good to you. She raised you, paid for your education, and gave you the ability to live independently. You got married and started a family. You have gradually accomplished every step of your life, even if you stumbled along the way.

I believe that foster children are grateful for what they have.

You ask how you might make it seem like nothing happened. Do you mean in regard to the adoptive mother's lack of care and the feeling of being looked down upon in your marriage?

It's not an easy situation. It might be helpful to consider that avoiding the issue might not be the best approach. While it can be a way to cope in the short term, it might not be a sustainable solution in the long run.

It is also possible that suppressed emotions may be vented in other ways. One way to do this is to try to understand deeply.

You have a deep understanding of why your adoptive mother is acting this way and you do not feel embarrassed or sad about it. This requires you to strengthen your own mental energy and lower your expectations of them, so that you will not feel more loss.

I believe that to increase your closeness with your mother, it would be beneficial to consider mutual effort and hard work from both sides.

Perhaps it would be helpful to start with yourself. You say you want to care for them, but you feel a bit insincere. That's understandable, as your care is not truly from the heart. You probably want to care for them only when you need them, so it's natural to feel a bit insincere. I believe that as long as you truly care for them, you won't feel insincere, and they won't feel insincere either.

It would be beneficial to show your concern in more than just the instances when something is wrong. Showing your care in the little things of everyday life is also important. They appreciate your care, and it will naturally lead to them treating you better.

It's a virtuous circle. If you don't give more, it might be challenging to get closer to your mother.

From what you've shared, it seems like you have a good understanding of your relationship and the underlying reasons behind it. I believe that if you're open to letting go of the past and working on your relationship with your parents from the perspective of a child, even if they are your adoptive parents, you can start to rebuild a true family bond.

Hello, my name is June, and I'm here to help!

It's totally understandable to feel sad about your distant relationship with your mother and want to establish a closer relationship with her. I've read your text several times and have organized it as follows:

You lived with your adoptive mother until you were about 1.3 to 1.4 years old, and she loved you so, so much!

After a few years, the adoptive mother started a new family and had her own children, but she still took you with her.

3. When you grew up, you married someone who wasn't the best match for you, which made your adoptive mother feel a little sad.

4. After your divorce, you took your son with you, and your adoptive mother was really upset about it.

After looking at all the information, I totally get why the questioner wants to get close to their mum again. From an outsider's point of view, although the questioner has had a tough time and has lost their biological parents since childhood, you are really lucky to have a lovely adoptive mother who has always been there for you.

It's totally normal to feel like you're not as close to your adoptive mother as you'd like to be. After all, you're not her biological child, so it's only natural that you're not as affectionate as she is with her biological kids. You're still her kid, though, and she loves you just as much!

I feel close to them only when I need them, which isn't that often! We don't communicate much, and they rarely take the initiative to contact me, which is a shame.

We don't always show each other enough love. Sometimes I want to show them more care, but it seems fake.

I think it's totally understandable that we've kept our distance.

I'm wondering if it's the adoptive mother who wants to keep her distance, or if it's you who wants to keep your distance? Have you ever thought that maybe the person who wants to keep their distance is you, and not the adoptive mother?

When you want to be intimate, your hearts come a little closer. Does this mean that the adoptive mother has always been there for you?

That's why I think she's there for you when you need her.

2. You're not her biological daughter, and when she remarried, she had every reason not to support you. But she still took responsibility for raising you, which was really kind of her.

I can see why you might feel the need to keep your distance. I think it's the experiences you had growing up, the attitudes of the people around you and your foster father, which made you feel that you weren't your biological daughter, and that you shouldn't be too attached to the care your foster mother gave you. These thoughts were internalized in your "unconscious" and became part of your "superego," making you restrain your desire for maternal love in this way. I'm here to help you work through this.

So, you try to spend as little money as possible on your foster mother to help ease your guilt. I truly believe that deep down you really want to be close to her, so you want to care for her more and get closer to her.

I think the reason is that you had a fight. It's totally understandable!

I'm really sad that after growing up, I married poorly. It seems like she feels even more that her efforts haven't been rewarded, and she even looks down on me a bit. She also strongly opposes my divorce and living with a son, thinking that he is a burden.

I can imagine that your birth and fate made you feel like a "guest in someone else's house." I can also imagine that at the age of marriage, you should have been very eager to get married, hoping to escape your current situation by marrying someone. However, the person you were looking for at the time was opposed by your adoptive mother.

I can see why you think your adoptive mother is against you. It's so sad when people feel unappreciated. I think this caused the first rift between you.

Due to the unhappy marriage, you eventually chose to divorce. When you divorced, your adoptive mother, based on her own life experience, opposed you living with your son.

But you rejected her again out of instinctive motherly love, which caused a second rift between you.

Now that you've been living on your own with your son for a while, I'm sure you've found it a bit tricky at times. But thinking back on your adoptive mother's actions, I'm sure you can see that she had your best interests at heart.

So, my dear friend, I encourage you to try to repair your relationship.

I want to give you a big hug right now! I'm here for you through your difficult times, and I'm here to support you in your self-analysis and awareness.

I just want to say that if your adoptive mother can dissuade you, it means that she regards you as her own child and is a good mother. She must love you! Otherwise, why would she resent you with a negative attitude when you've already become an adult?

So, if you want to get closer and repair the relationship, then go for it! She is always behind you, and I truly believe you can definitely get back to normal.

I'm sending you lots of good luck!

Hello, I'd like to offer you a warm hug. From your description, it seems that you may have experienced feelings of loneliness in your relationship with your adoptive mother, and that you were not as happy as you could have been growing up. It seems that you may not have received the level of love and support you needed in your parent-child relationship.

It might be helpful to take a moment to analyze your situation.

(1) When you were 3 or 4 years old, your adoptive mother still cared about you very much. When you were young, your attachment to your mother was satisfied, but then it gradually decreased with the birth of your younger brother. I don't know about your family's financial situation, but there seems to be a bit of a patriarchal mentality.

(2) As you grew up, there was less and less concern and communication. When you got married, life wasn't very good, and you got divorced. You were alone with a son. In the process, were you lacking love, and at the same time, not very good at loving others? So you didn't know how to handle relationships, and you felt that your parents' love wasn't enough. You also felt that the love of others wasn't enough.

(3) You have made significant strides in improving the relationship between you and your adoptive mother. Do you consider yourself to be a strong-willed individual who tends to persevere through challenges? With dedication and resilience, you will undoubtedly succeed in achieving your goals.

I believe we can find a way to work together to achieve a solution that is satisfactory for everyone.

You received a great deal of love from your adoptive mother when you were 3 or 4 years old, which brought you a great deal of happiness. Although your adoptive mother later had a family and a younger brother, and perhaps was not as attentive to your needs as she could have been, at least you still had a family and your parents still loved you, even though they had to share some of their love to take care of your younger brother. This made you feel like you were lacking love.

The adoptive mother has some views on your marriage and divorce, and she has expressed her concern about you raising the child alone. That is because she cares about you and is aware of the challenges involved.

Let's work together to find a solution.

1. It would be helpful for you to recognize the part of yourself that yearns for love. Given the rather unique circumstances of your upbringing as an adopted child, it's understandable that you have more expectations and needs for love at an "unconscious" level from your foster parents. This can make you more sensitive and afraid of not being loved by your foster mother. When your foster mother has a family and a younger brother, it's natural to feel lost, which is a very normal emotional expectation.

2. You also understand that your adoptive mother's actions do not necessarily reflect a lack of love for you. She has her own life, as well as the lives and people in her care of other people. When you understand this part, your disappointment in her is alleviated to a certain extent.

3. It would be beneficial for you to gain a deeper understanding of the differing views and opinions held by your adoptive mother and you regarding marriage. It is possible that your adoptive mother's views on your marriage and divorce may be influenced by her expectations for your happiness in life and her hope that you will lead a fulfilling life without suffering.

As an adult, you have the freedom to choose your own marriage and partner. You are also able to recognize your strengths and resilience. Your financial independence from your adoptive mother allows you the space to make your own decisions, including those related to marriage.

4. Perhaps the gap between you and your adoptive mother could be bridged through communication, which might help you understand each other's thoughts.

Finally, you hope to repair your relationship with your mother as it was before and see your inner longing for an attachment. Perhaps through personal growth, you can find a good way to communicate with your mother, which will also help you find an attachment partner in your marriage.

I hope my advice can be of some help to you. I am Liu Qi, and I wish you well from afar.

Dear Questioner, I would like to extend my support and encouragement to you. It seems that your question is about how to establish a sense of intimacy with your adoptive mother, and I can see that there are many underlying issues.

You have experienced a number of significant challenges, including being adopted at a young age, facing son preference, having a foster mother who remarried, and becoming a single mother. It is likely that you have also experienced a number of unresolved personal issues as a result of these circumstances.

I am unaware of the number of times you have been abandoned, but I hope you are now coping well.

[Regarding your relationship with yourself]

Before addressing the question of how to repair the relationship with your adoptive mother, I would like to inquire about your relationship with yourself. Given the circumstances you have faced, including abandonment and betrayal, it is important to understand your level of self-love.

Do you treat yourself with kindness and acceptance?

The term "self-care" is used to describe a range of activities that individuals engage in for their own benefit.

1. Please define self-care.

Self-care entails accepting one's own challenges and striving to mitigate them. This is a crucial and justified step in the process of self-care.

2. The three core components of self-care

Psychologist Kristin Neff identifies three core components of self-care:

1. Self-indulgence

In traditional Chinese culture, there is a long-standing emphasis on maintaining a balance between self-criticism and leniency. This approach can lead to a tendency to be overly critical of oneself while being more forgiving of others' mistakes.

Self-compassion entails refraining from self-attack and self-criticism, and instead, demonstrating understanding and support for oneself in the same way one would for a colleague in a similar situation.

2. It is important to recognize that suffering is a common human experience.

Those experiencing severe distress may feel isolated and helpless, as though they are the only ones suffering.

It is important to recognize that everyone experiences suffering and that everyone has their own vulnerabilities and imperfections. This is a fundamental aspect of human nature.

Self-care necessitates acknowledgment that suffering is a universal human experience, rather than a singular occurrence.

3. Do not suppress or amplify negative emotions.

Effective self-care necessitates a balanced approach to negative emotions, neither repressing nor amplifying them. This entails accepting the sadness associated with suffering without indulging in it or amplifying it.

I believe that your current approach involves an excessive focus on self-blame and a lack of attention to self-care. As a psychological counselor, Zhang Huili, I hope my input can be of assistance. If you find it useful, please indicate your approval.

Thanks for the invite!

I'm not sure why the original poster was raised by a foster mother or where their biological mother is.

There's a saying in folk tradition that the gratitude of a child for their parent's love is greater than the love the parent has for the child.

But at the end of the day, the relationship with your biological parents is still your most important one.

So, apart from your biological parents, the foster carers who have been forced to raise you for various reasons cannot be deprived of their position as your biological parents. You cannot demand that they treat them like biological parents. This is a matter of respect for biological parents and foster parents, and even more so for you.

In this case, the relationship between adoptive parents and adopted children naturally has to take a step back, leaving the most important position empty for the child's biological parents.

1. We're grateful to our adoptive mother for raising us and respect each other's boundaries.

How can I build a closer relationship with my mother? After growing up, I realized that I wasn't as important to my mother as I thought and that we weren't as close as I'd hoped.

How do we make it seem like we're on good terms? We just get along politely, like relatives.

It seems like we're only close when I need her. There's not much communication, and they don't often reach out to me.

We don't have a close relationship. Sometimes I want to show them more care, but it seems forced.

It seems more appropriate to maintain a certain distance. She is my adoptive mother.

From this passage, we can see that it seems the original poster was unable to establish a closer relationship with her adoptive mother because she understood she wasn't the most important child in her adoptive mother's heart.

Maybe the original poster has always thought of a foster mother as not being a biological mother. When the foster mother showed less affection, the original poster understandably took a step back.

But at my core, I still expect my adoptive mother to be like a biological mother.

No matter why the original poster gave up her child for adoption, she'll always feel like she was abandoned by her biological parents. So, if she asks too much of her adoptive mother, she's afraid of putting her in a difficult situation and being abandoned again.

Given that the original poster feels like he's not his adoptive mother's favorite and that he's more comfortable keeping a certain distance, he should accept this relationship and distance and be grateful for his adoptive mother's role in raising him.

2. Deal with the birth of the younger brother in a way that replaces the loss of importance in the adoptive mother's heart.

Before my brother was born, my adoptive mother still cared a lot about me when I was around 3 or 4 years old. When I was younger, I was cute, and she often kissed my face and watched me dance. Since she started a new family and had a younger brother, she rarely showed that much care for me, which is understandable.

The adoptive mother has been able to understand and accept that she has become less concerned about the original poster since she had her own biological child.

But understanding doesn't mean there's no loss involved, right?

We all want to be the most loved child in our parents' hearts, especially if we were loved at first but then lost. It's a gap that we can't ignore.

So, while you understand your adoptive mother, you should also understand yourself and work through your feelings of loss.

3. Talk about it in a way that's appropriate. Stay connected with your adoptive mother, find a solution, and show that you're strong.

I felt cold because I married poorly and she felt like her efforts hadn't been rewarded. She even looked down on me a bit. She also strongly opposed me getting a divorce and living with a son, thinking that he was a burden. I was in a poor financial situation at the time, and I rarely used her money since I was a child. She even boasted about this to others.

Later on, I managed to change her opinion of me through more mature and sensible words and actions, and our relationship finally improved.

It's tough to make a bad marriage choice on your own, especially at this stage. You need the support of your family, right?

It seems like the adoptive mother has placed a lot of responsibility on you. She's not just being unsupportive, but also seems to be looking down on you a little. This makes you feel like you have no warmth and no way out.

Your adoptive mother's attitude might make you feel a bit cold, but if we look at it from another perspective, she also hopes that you will be happy and feels that you have the ability to choose your own marital happiness.

If your adoptive mother can't accept your flaws and you need to be mature and sensible to make her happy, it just shows that she's not very tolerant either.

When a child doesn't have parents who are very resilient, their hearts are also vulnerable. They can only pretend to be strong, no matter how old they are.

If you rely too heavily on your adoptive mother, she might not have the energy to help.

It can be tiring to rely on yourself alone.

It's important to keep in touch without overwhelming your adoptive mother. When the time is right, talk through practical matters and share your solutions. This will help her see your strength and resilience.

As long as you don't expect your adoptive mother to be your biological mother, the relationship can be more harmonious.

As previously mentioned,

I'm Yan Guilai, your friendly neighborhood psychologist. Wishing you the best!

Dear questioner, Hello! From your description, I can understand the journey of your heart in your relationship with your adoptive mother, and it sounds like you have a great relationship!

(1) When you were just 3 or 4 years old, your adoptive mother still cared about you so much! When you were little, you were the cutest little thing, and she often kissed you on the face and watched you dance. This adoptive mother's love for you left a deep impression on you and gave you a very beautiful memory!

(2) After your adoptive mother had another family and a younger brother, she was able to care for you in a different way, which was a bit of a change!

(3) When your life after marriage wasn't going so well, it made your adoptive mother feel a bit lost, and she opposed your divorce.

(4) You have also done a great job of improving your relationship with your adoptive mother through mature and sensible words and actions.

When you were just 3 or 4 years old, your adoptive mother showered you with so much love! It made you so happy! Even though your adoptive mother later had a family and a younger brother and was a bit less attentive to you, you can understand her. What's most painful for you is your adoptive mother's views on your marriage and divorce. But don't worry! You can resolve this part of your worries and re-establish an emotional connection with your adoptive mother!

First, you need to recognize the part of you that deeply desires love. Because of your unique upbringing as an adopted child, you have more expectations and needs for love at an "unconscious" level from your foster parents, which is great because it means you are more sensitive and afraid of not being loved by your foster mother. Therefore, when your foster mother had a family and a younger brother, you would feel lost, which is a very normal emotional expectation.

At the same time, you also understand that it is not that your adoptive mother does not love you anymore, but that she also has her own other life and people to take care of. When you understand this part, your disappointment in her is greatly reduced.

Second, you get to understand and deal with the different views and opinions of your adoptive mother and you on marriage. You mentioned that what made you feel cold was your adoptive mother's views on your marriage and divorce. This may partly come from her expectation for your happiness in life, and her hope that you will live well and not be aggrieved, which is why she has those demands on you.

As an adult, you have the incredible opportunity to choose your own marriage and partner. You are also very self-reliant, which is something to be proud of! You are not financially dependent on your adoptive mother, so there is no need for you to blame yourself for your marriage. The gap between you and your adoptive mother caused by different views in this regard can be bridged through communication, so that you can understand each other's thoughts.

Finally, you have the amazing opportunity to restore your relationship with your mother to its former glory. This shows that you truly desire for your mother to be the same as the mother you knew before the age of three. You can use your inner longing for an attachment relationship to your advantage. You can internalize your mother's love for you before the age of three through personal growth and transform it into love and care for yourself. This will lead to a positive interaction between you and your mother, and it will also help you find a partner you can truly connect with in your marriage.

I really hope my advice can help you! I'm counselor Wang Li, and I love the world and you!