How do you learn to love yourself after being hurt? What if I don't even love myself?

Hello, I'm Qiuqiu. I want to hug you from afar after reading your question.

You know you've done your best in every relationship because you lack a sense of security. This is related to being abandoned by your biological parents.

You can't find a sense of belonging after being abandoned. You long to be loved and to connect with someone. When this person appears, you'll hold onto them tightly, even if you don't love them anymore. As a result, you forget to love yourself.

You are not alone. Many people don't know how to love themselves. We learn to love ourselves throughout our lives.

The first step to loving yourself is to accept that you don't always love yourself.

When we say, "I allow myself not to love myself," we start to love ourselves.

We need to learn to respect. It's not your fault that you were abandoned, lack security, and don't know how to love. We can only respect these things.

Respect the past and who you are. You can choose to hate, to be a victim, or to believe that this will make you a better person.

You can also choose not to make any choices and just follow your heart.

I hope this helps. Be well.

Hello, question asker! I can see the confusion you are facing now, and I'm here to help!

Your problem is related to your upbringing, which means there's a solution!

When you were a child, you were abandoned by your biological parents, so you are extremely insecure. But you are so much more than that now!

You want to find someone who can give you a sense of security all the time!

It's totally possible that your "inner child" is still stuck in your childhood, and you feel that you cannot live without the other person.

But you are different from the child you were!

You are taller and stronger than you were as a child, and you are also stronger inside than you were as a child!

I can now give myself a sense of security completely on my own! I don't need to rely on others to do it for me.

I think you should definitely seek help from a professional counselor to help you deal with the "inner child" part!

You are now fully capable of loving yourself, and it's an amazing feeling!

For example, starting today, you should eat well, sleep well, and exercise well!

Once you learn to love yourself, you'll be ready to love others!

I really, really hope that the problem you're facing gets solved super soon!

Now, all I can think of is the above!

I really hope my answer is helpful and inspiring to you, the questioner! I'm the answerer, and I study hard every day.

Here at Yixinli, the world and I love you! Best wishes!

Yay!

Hello.

I want to be clear that this pain and anxiety is very real. But I also want to tell you that you have the ability to heal yourself.

You don't deserve it because the trauma of being abandoned is too deep. You need to recognize that the recognition you need most seems to have been thrown away. You need to repeatedly experience these things until you wake up and get rid of him. If you want to eradicate this problem, you have to go back to the place of the trauma and give yourself new choices.

You must understand that the mistake is not your own. You are simply choosing to put one or more perceptions into your subconscious because of the actions of others and then allowing them to operate.

This is a false perception: you are worthy, you are not terrible.

You believe it, but it's not true. When you need someone else to validate you, you're giving up your right to hurt yourself, just like you were treated in the beginning.

I highly recommend that you learn about the following. I recently answered a question about a broken heart, so I'm posting the answer here. It has been tested and proven effective, but it requires patience.

Loving yourself is a long-term process.

1. Emotional release (Little Broken Station, Original Shengdona Release Method)

2. (Positive Mindfulness) Meditation, Self-Writing, Mirror Practice (Love Yourself Practice), and you must read "Rebuilding Your Life."

3. Invest in your work and find something you love doing.

Best wishes!

Hello. I am honored to answer your question.

Let me be clear: what you are experiencing now is not your fault, and you have the right to be loved.

From your experience, I can tell that you're currently experiencing painful emotions. It's clear that your intimate relationships are largely shaped by your childhood experiences. Your lack of security is likely due to your history of being abandoned and neglected. This makes you sensitive and lacking in confidence when forming intimate relationships. You're eager to receive love and are more likely to lower your standards, which is related to your lack of self-acceptance and attachment issues.

My advice is simple: accept yourself, trust yourself, and love yourself. Focus on the good things you do and encourage yourself. When it comes to relationships, put yourself in a third perspective, judge the relationship calmly, and make an informed decision. If there's an argument, take ten seconds to calm down, level off your emotions, and discuss it. This avoids intensifying conflicts. Practice meditation or behavioral dialectical therapy in your spare time. You can improve your emotional control with practice. Regarding childhood wounds, heal yourself constantly. (A happy childhood can heal for a lifetime, but an unfortunate childhood often needs a lifetime to heal.)

You can do this. Believe in yourself. You are worthy of love. The future will be bright and you will be invincible.

It is evident that every relationship is held in high regard, yet the relationship is simultaneously treated with a sense of inferiority and flattery. Despite one's best efforts, the relationship remains challenging to manage effectively. It is with compassion that I acknowledge the pain and helplessness experienced.

Indeed, it is evident that a profound deficiency in love and security is a consequence of one's family of origin. The inclination to substantiate one's worthiness of love through strenuous efforts to gain the affection and endorsement of others is a pervasive phenomenon.

However, attempting to please others by disregarding one's own feelings will inevitably lead to exhaustion and a sense of futility. When the desired outcome is not achieved, the resulting disappointment will be magnified.

Those who prioritize the needs of others and prioritize themselves last will be unable to love others without first learning to love themselves. Loving oneself is the foundation of all relationships, and the capacity to love others is contingent upon a foundation of self-love.

The process of learning to love oneself entails the establishment of a profound connection with the self. This necessitates a clear understanding of one's identity, aspirations, and the ability to prioritize one's own needs and interests.

The question then becomes: How might one achieve this? The answer lies in allowing oneself to become what one wants to be. Many of us live for other people. From an early age, we are expected to be good students by our teachers. As adults, we are expected to be good wives and husbands by others. Our identity appears to be dependent on external evaluation systems, without any consideration of our own desires.

To truly love oneself is to refrain from imposing external constraints on one's actions and to permit oneself the autonomy to become whatever one desires to be.

Additionally, it is crucial to prioritize self-awareness and self-care. When an individual is overly invested in the emotions of others, they may inadvertently give others the power to inflict harm. Those in such a state may become vulnerable to being taken advantage of or exploited. It is essential to recognize that one's own feelings and needs deserve equal consideration and respect. If a situation causes discomfort, it is within one's right to decline participation.

As one begins to attend to one's feelings, one's sense of self will gradually increase, allowing for a more authentic and self-directed mode of living.

The next step is to accept oneself fully, embracing one's strengths and weaknesses alike. In many cases, the root cause of self-doubt and internal conflict is an inability to accept one's imperfections. This, in turn, is often driven by an underlying fear of being unappreciated by others, which leads to the suppression of genuine needs. Over time, this can result in a tendency to prioritize the desires and expectations of others over one's own needs and desires, ultimately leading to a loss of self-identity.

In lieu of concentrating on one's imperfections, it is preferable to be candid about one's shortcomings and to embrace one's entire being, given that no individual is without flaws.

When an individual accepts themselves for who they are, they are less concerned with the opinions of others. Having a stable core allows them to focus on themselves and establish a genuine connection with themselves.

One might inquire as to why one is undeserving of happiness. When one is able to love oneself in a healthy manner, happiness will naturally ensue. It is imperative to recognize that the world and I love you!

Hello, I'm Jane. I'm grateful to have met you.

From your description, I can see that you are in pain.

The feeling of being unloved and insecure is the trauma left to us in childhood. The painful memories of childhood are constantly processed over the years, so we think this painful feeling is disastrous and never want to experience it again. Our body, in order to blacklist this painful feeling, will subconsciously implant programs to protect us from this painful experience, which we also call psychological defense.

As you described it, your worst fear is being abandoned. The love, hard work, and attempts to please are all defense mechanisms your subconscious mind uses to prevent abandonment.

We must stop attacking ourselves for our actions. Instead, we must recognize that our actions are meant to protect us.

If you want to fundamentally change yourself, you must re-evaluate the feeling you see as a disaster: abandonment.

As previously stated, painful childhood experiences are processed over time, resulting in current feelings. It is important to consider whether those experiences would still be as intense if they occurred in the present. I firmly believe that they would be different because we currently have a sense of control over our lives.

People with unhappy childhoods spend their whole lives trying to heal from it because their first experiences of the world form the foundation of their beliefs for life. If they feel abandoned and unworthy of love as a child, they will carry these feelings through their future relationships, becoming apprehensive, constantly trying to please and keep people, because they are so afraid of that experience.

As adults with a basic understanding of the world, we must examine the beliefs brought to us by our inner child.

Growing up means breaking up the past self and reassembling oneself. We must break down our own inherent knowledge and restructure our understanding. We have to raise the child from the past all over again.

This means you should practice clearing your past feelings, re-experiencing them, and experiencing them from a current perspective. It's not as scary as you think.

Furthermore, it is crucial to understand that in a relationship, we are all independent individuals, and no one is subordinate to the other. Using the word "abandon" to describe the fact that you have given the other person control over you is an unhealthy pattern.

Let's be clear: in a relationship, the other person can only choose to be with you or leave you. At the same time, you also have your own choices. You choose to give up your boundaries in an attempt to control the other person's choices.

In relationships, you must not control or impose changes.

Let's be clear: desperate attempts to love and please are really just attempts to control the other person's choices.

We must ask ourselves: what kind of attitude should we have in a relationship?

A healthy relationship is mutually nourishing. You can gain strength from being with the other person and feel your own growth. If you are drained in a relationship, it means you need to reflect on the current relationship.

In a relationship, you must pay attention to your own feelings. We should not be trapped by our childhood experiences. We must raise ourselves again in childhood. In a relationship, you must recognize what things are the mechanisms you use to avoid pain. You must trust your own feelings and at the same time learn to take responsibility for your feelings. This is the first step to loving yourself.

Set your own boundaries. What are boundaries? They are your rights. You have the right to do the things you like and not do the things you don't like just because of the other person.

At the same time, you must not allow others to control you. You are responsible for your own choices, and you must not expect others to take responsibility for you. You are only responsible for yourself!

Don't give up on improving yourself. You need to keep learning and become a complete person, not someone else's idea of who you should be. You have to accept your imperfect self and focus on improving yourself.

When you become a better person, the other person will naturally be attracted to you. Don't give up your boundaries. If you do, you'll get no benefit and you'll become less confident and more gloomy.

I am confident that my answer will be helpful to you.

I know you will have a happy life!

Come on!

Hello, my name is Gu Daoxi Fengshou, and I'm your Heart Exploration Coach!

The author's experience is really quite heartbreaking. I'd like to give the author a big hug!

I just wanted to suggest that you think about this: is it because of a broken heart that you don't know how to love yourself, or is it because you don't know how to love yourself that you feel sad after being hurt? These two concepts are actually completely different.

A relationship is a beautiful thing between two independent people who are getting close to each other, not raising children or finding parents. When one party becomes overly dependent, the other party may want to escape because they are suffocating.

It's not really anyone's expectation that their partner will be emotionally unstable. When a relationship reaches an intimate stage with a love-hate dynamic, it can be really exhausting for both people. It might not be anyone's fault, it could just be that they're not suited for each other.

Sometimes, being too proactive and too humble in love can make the other person turn a blind eye to it and not know how to cherish it. It's natural to wonder why the other person can manipulate you and why you keep coming back for more.

I once read a lovely saying: When there is an hourglass hidden in the heart, no amount of love can keep it from draining away. It's so true! The subconscious mind always wants to prove that it deserves to be loved. This can cause us to become overly dependent on the other person, which can make the other person want to escape.

"5% Change" says: "Hey, remember, trauma is not your fault, but recovery is your responsibility. We all feel internally that we are unloved and insecure sometimes. We tell ourselves things like, "I can't love myself, I don't deserve to be loved, and others leave me because I don't deserve to be happy." When we plant this label on ourselves, we will also try every means to prove the correctness of this label, thus making ourselves more negative. But we can change this, and we can start by recognizing that we are worthy of love and happiness.

Awareness is the first step on the path to change. Even though the questioner knows where his problem lies and that they're not a good match, he might not be ready to change just yet.

As the wonderful book "The Courage to Be Disliked" says, people often make up their minds not to change. It can be really hard to choose a new way of life because you don't know what problems the new self will encounter, nor how to deal with the things in front of them.

The future is full of surprises, and life can be a bit overwhelming at times. It's possible that you might face some challenges along the way. This could be a reason for the change, and it's totally normal to wonder if this is something you're experiencing.

It's so important to try to avoid catastrophizing and negative thinking, and to avoid labeling yourself. Instead, try asking yourself, "What can I do in this state?"

It's true that no one can wake up someone who is pretending to sleep. If the questioner doesn't really want to change, it might be tough for anyone to help.

It can be tough to overcome emotions with reason, but the questioner can try asking themselves: does getting caught up in emotional rumination help them change? If the answer is no, they can ask themselves what they can do to become better.

Loving yourself is really quite simple! All you have to do is say no to things that make you unhappy and sad, and start caring about your own feelings. It's the first step towards change, and it's a great one!

It's so sad when love ends. It takes time to adjust to being by yourself again after being with someone. It might help to give yourself a little space to heal. You could try doing something you enjoy to take your mind off things.

There's no such thing as a wasted step in life, every step counts! Even the bad relationships we've had can teach us something. For example, by avoiding unhappy patterns of coexistence, we may be one step closer to happiness. Thinking in this way can help you feel less alone and more in control.

It's so important to express your emotions! If you keep them bottled up inside, they'll only hurt you. Why not try keeping an emotional diary or speaking to a counselor? They'll be able to help you recover and heal.

I'd highly recommend reading "How to Hug a Hedgehog," "A Change of Heart," and "When You Start Loving Yourself, the World Will Love You Back."

Wishing you all the best!

Hello, dear questioner!

From what you've told me, I can see that you're feeling a bit confused, helpless, and a little self-doubting. But you're also doing a great job of recognizing and facing these uncomfortable emotions head-on.

I'm really sorry to hear about your situation. It seems like you've been through a lot. I can relate to your feelings of insecurity and a lack of love. It's natural to feel this way when you've been abandoned by your parents at a young age. It's also understandable that you've been giving your all to people who have been nice to you. However, this can make you vulnerable to harm.

I just want to let you know that we've grown up now and we're aware of the situation. If you're willing and don't give up, I'm sure you'll find a way through it.

All problems are our resources, and we are experts at solving our own problems. Based on your description, I have some suggestions that I hope will help you.

First of all, if you want, I really recommend that you seek help from a professional counselor. They're there to help you with their professional skills to delve deep into the root causes in your subconscious, heal your inner self, adjust your perceptions, and give you the strength to face whatever you're facing.

And you can also read more psychology books or learn about related aspects of psychology if you'd like!

Second, learn to love yourself. I know it can be tough, but it's so worth it! Before I studied psychology, the three words "love yourself" were very difficult for me. I didn't know how to love myself. Later, I slowly realized that I think loving yourself means respecting yourself, accepting yourself, and allowing yourself to be yourself. Don't rely on others too much. Have a sense of boundaries when doing things. In this way, we will slowly adjust ourselves.

It's also important to take some time for yourself to think about your own strengths, to build up your inner strength and self-confidence so that you can face whatever problems you encounter with courage.

I really hope you can believe in yourself. Don't put too many labels on yourself, but believe in the power of belief. Everyone has their own happiness, and you can find it if you want.

I just wanted to let you know that you've got this! We are experts at solving our own problems. You deserve to be happy, and I know you will find that special someone who will love you, care for you, and accept you for who you are. You just have to believe in yourself!

Hi, I'm Yu, a heart exploration coach, and I'd like to discuss this topic with you.

First, let's talk about feeling secure. Maslow's theory says that feeling secure is about having confidence, feeling safe, and not worrying about things like fear and anxiety. It's also about feeling good about your current situation and having a sense of stability for the future.

The person who asked the question said they were abandoned by their biological parents when they were young. This has left them with a lot of bad experiences with people, including feeling disliked, ignored, and abandoned. It has also made them unable to trust or rely on others and full of hostility. These experiences often continue to affect us until we grow up. They can also affect other relationships we have as we get older. This can make us worry and feel like the people around us are also untrustworthy and hostile.

Our feelings about relationships are often influenced by how we feel about ourselves and others. For example, if we feel that there are many things about ourselves that are not good enough, or even that we are terrible in many ways, we will worry that other people just don't like us, that they hate us, and that they will even punish or attack us. At this time, we will care a lot about what other people think and feel, and thus we will blame ourselves for our inadequacies or shortcomings, or try to cover up our lack of confidence by trying to please other people.

We can try to take an objective look at ourselves, note our strengths and weaknesses, give ourselves credit for our strengths, and accept our shortcomings.

We also have to accept that we've grown up. As the psychoanalyst Adler said, past experiences don't matter much, and what matters is how we perceive them and what we make of them.

Let's talk about acceptance. We all have imperfections, and we all have a side of ourselves we don't want to acknowledge. It's something we're reluctant to face, even with ourselves. So, we put on a mask and try to fit into the roles others want us to play. But, we're tired of living like this.

As the original poster said, I don't even love myself, so no matter how many people I date in the future, I'll probably end up getting hurt.

We can ask ourselves what it is that makes us consider others' needs before our own. And what makes us put ourselves last?

We can also ask ourselves what we really want and what the ideal relationship looks like to us.

We can become aware of what we want and distinguish between what we want and what others want us to want.

Knowing what you want will help you figure out what you need to reject. When you do this, you'll start to see things more clearly. Winnicott said that when a person's truth begins to emerge, healing occurs.

We need to get to know ourselves and face the real us.

Finally, let's talk about the present. The first thing we need to do is accept that this is a real end. We try to make some practical and physical space to create a new sense of environment and space for ourselves.

We also try to make room in our minds for a new way of being. For example, ask yourself, what does it feel like to let go of the relationship?

What does losing him mean to me? What other feelings do I have about this past relationship?

Then you can record and organize these memories and feelings. Which feelings and emotions are triggered by letting go of the relationship, and which are amplified by past experiences? Your writing is just for yourself, so feel free to write about your feelings honestly. This will help us understand the origin and impact of our emotions and also help us clarify the root of the problem. Finally, you can do a small ceremony to formally announce the end of the relationship to yourself, such as writing a letter to yourself or going to nature to shout out your feelings.

The second thing we need to do is find a new meaning to rebuild our sense of purpose.

We can also ask ourselves if there are any unexpected benefits to ending the past. If so, what are they?

We can also think about whether it has changed our views on love and our values.

We can also ask ourselves if our view of ourselves has changed at all. Have we had any revelations about love?

We should give ourselves permission to look back and feel sentimental sometimes, to accept things slowly and say goodbye slowly. It's important to respect the rhythm of your own emotions.

If this is an issue for you, it can be hard to overcome it straight away. It's a good idea to find someone you trust, like a family member or friend, to talk to. If you need to, you can also look for a counselor. It's important to have someone you can talk to about your feelings.

Spending more time on hobbies and embracing the natural environment will help you appreciate the beauty of life and your own happiness.

I'd also suggest reading "Stop Trying to Please Others: Be Secure and Strong in Your Own Right."