How many times have people repeatedly broken their promises without fail?

Hello, I'm Gu Yi. Be modest and open-minded to succeed.

I see your anger, your reluctance, and your doubts in your description. You are also very rational.

Why do you forgive?

Why do you forgive the other person for breaking their promise? Why do they keep cheating on you? Is it because they don't care, or because you don't have clear boundaries?

I hope the questioner can understand themselves and find the real problem.

2. Know your limits.

You will fight a lot because of the other person's problems. You will feel like it's pointless, but it will keep happening. You will get promises, but they won't stick. You can forgive, but the other person will break their promises.

I hope the questioner can set clear boundaries and stand up for himself.

3. What to do?

You've thought about divorce, but that's not the answer. Talk about it. Life is not spent in daily arguments.

Best,

Good day, Dear Poster,

The respondent believes that you have experienced hurt, insecurity, and betrayal. This pattern of not keeping promises and not respecting others makes people feel unreliable. After seeing too many instances of this behavior, people may even feel like they are "crying wolf."

You have demonstrated a high level of commitment and effort. I empathize with your situation. When trust is compromised, it can be challenging to establish a long-term, mutually fulfilling relationship.

During this process, you may have attempted numerous times to influence the other person in a positive manner, but were unsuccessful. This behavior is comparable to an addictive habit.

For example, it is comparable to gambling or Internet addiction.

In general, assisting an individual in overcoming an addiction is a challenging undertaking.

This is a challenging undertaking.

The respondent suggests that you consider examining this matter from multiple perspectives.

If we assume that the other party is capable of overcoming their addiction, our assessment may be flawed.

It is often the case that adults are unable to alter their behavioural patterns through their own efforts. This is because the existing patterns have proven effective in meeting their needs.

To put it another way, this has become a pattern of his existence.

Secondly, it is essential to gain an understanding of his underlying motivations and intentions.

Everyone has their own deepest desires.

Could the issue be financial dissatisfaction?

Has there been a lack of emotional communication?

Or do you still believe that you have high aspirations but are unhappy?

All individuals progress from an immature to a mature state of being. Only those who have reached this level of maturity can consider the feelings of their partner and keep their promises. This is because such promises require self-control and self-discipline.

3. It is advisable to safeguard your interests and identify your fundamental requirements and threshold for a successful marriage.

The respondent can see that the original poster is a kind-hearted individual who is open to giving others an opportunity.

However, due to your repeated decisions to trust, you have reached a point of exhaustion and fatigue regarding this situation. You have proposed divorce on numerous occasions, and the other party has consistently chosen to return to the familiar environment. This indicates that you have thoroughly evaluated your options.

When faced with a dilemma, it may be beneficial to refocus your attention on your own needs.

If you are able to find emotional support, and perhaps after paying more attention to your situation, you may also be able to find greater support at the same time.

4. All marriages are only one aspect of our lives. In addition to marriage, we also have to consider wealth, health, career, personal growth, and many other factors that require management.

If the marriage can be salvaged, that would be optimal. If not, it may be necessary to reconsider how to best proceed with a more exciting future.

A marriage can be viewed as a training ground for developing one's capacity to love, encompassing the scope, ability, breadth of mind, and generosity required to sustain a loving relationship.

Perhaps we can view this process as a training program. If, during this program, you can observe improvements in your physical and mental well-being, then it is likely that the experience was beneficial.

Should the opposite be the case, the respondent will also suggest that you undertake a further comprehensive assessment.

I wish you continued success in all your endeavors.

Hug the questioner. You are helpless and need support. You already have the answer, but you can't say it.

Choosing is hard. Let's think about how these two paths will go.

You don't have to divorce. You can figure out how to live with your husband.

Every action has a reason.

What problems does your husband have that he's trying to deal with by drinking and playing mahjong?

These actions are a result of your repeated communication and arguments.

He has a need.

Have a good chat with your husband when you're both calm.

If you can't talk to him, ask a friend or relative to find out about his situation.

We need to understand the real problem to find the right solution. Otherwise, we'll just hurt each other.

See the other person's strengths and if you still care.

You can try living apart for a while before getting a divorce.

The questioner can think about it carefully. Apart from these shortcomings, the person is unreasonable and dishonest.

Are there still some good things about the person, and is there still a sense of marriage?

I don't know how you met, fell in love, and got married.

There must also be love and time together. Think about it from all angles.

It's hard to think clearly when you're together because you only see the flaws.

Time apart lets you see things clearly.

Another option is divorce.

I want to know why they couldn't get a divorce.

The questioner must have reasons for having difficulty making a decision.

Ask yourself what you care about and if you can let go.

The questioner can imagine what life would be like if they got a divorce now.

What are the pros and cons?

There's no point arguing with your husband. It won't help.

It's better to separate for a while and then decide.

If you have time, you can find marriage counseling. If you can't live with your husband anymore, you can make a decision without regrets.

I hope the poster finds what she needs. She deserves to be loved and happy.

You observed the subsequent communication first and only then did you see your own message. You can perceive the significant distress caused by your husband's repeated, unfulfilled promises, to such an extent that you have repeatedly sought assistance in the hope of finding a solution.

This kind of distress has an impact on both your satisfaction with the marriage and your sense of well-being.

In regard to your own persistence, expectations, and bottom line in the marriage, I have already provided some ideas for your reference in the previous reply. In this reply, I would like to provide some more perspectives from your interactions with your husband, with the aim of supporting you to some extent.

Regarding your own persistence, expectations, and bottom line in the marriage, I have already provided some ideas in my previous reply. In this reply, I would like to provide some more perspectives from your interactions with your husband, in the hope of offering you some support.

First, identify the underlying psychological needs of your husband and yourself that may be driving his drinking and mahjong playing.

First, identify the underlying psychological needs of your husband and yourself that may be driving his drinking and mahjong playing.

Your current approach to interaction has reached an impasse.

You observe your husband engaging in drinking and mahjong, which leads to a disagreement. He then promises to refrain from these activities in the future. However, his behavior does not change, and he continues to drink and play mahjong. You become angry, and he either reiterates his promise or becomes even more confrontational. You then observe him drinking and playing mahjong.

The current situation has reached a dead end. Your husband's behavior has not changed despite your repeated arguments and your husband's promises to stop. This cycle of frustration and powerlessness is affecting your relationship with your husband.

This cyclical pattern creates a sense of frustration and powerlessness on your part. Additionally, your husband seems to be disregarding your attitude with increasing frequency.

This kind of vicious cycle creates a sense of frustration and powerlessness on your part, while your husband's actions indicate a growing disregard for your perspective.

Despite your best efforts at the behavioral level, your husband remains indifferent.

In light of the circumstances, it may be beneficial to initially focus on the underlying psychological motivations rather than the immediate behavior.

1. Regarding your psychological needs

The issue is not whether this is a problem, but rather the fact that he has lied to me repeatedly, which has caused me significant distress.

These words indicate a sense of helplessness, and it is possible to discern that behind your repeated attempts at persuasion is a psychological need for respect and value. Your husband's actions have undoubtedly challenged this psychological need on numerous occasions.

2. Regarding your husband's psychological needs

Given the lack of direct communication from your husband in the message, the following suggestions may be more speculative. You are encouraged to make adjustments based on your understanding of your husband. It is recommended to check with your husband through constructive, non-confrontational interactions in person.

The frequency of drinking and mahjong playing indicates a state of addiction, as indicated by the comments. In this situation, the individual may be dissatisfied with their real-life circumstances or may have a relatively low sense of self-worth. They may be seeking to anesthetize or escape the powerlessness of reality in this way.

When confronted by those around him in an assertive manner, it is possible that he will also adopt a confrontational stance in order to regain a sense of control.

From the comments, it appears that initially, your husband was stalling, but then he realized that this strategy was ineffective, so he resorted to bluffing by being even more aggressive than you.

One possible reason for the impasse between the two parties is that their psychological needs have not been met, leading to ineffective interactions and communication.

The key to breaking the cycle is to try to see each other's psychological needs. As the individual who sought assistance on this platform, your actions demonstrate a stronger desire to alter the status quo and a greater psychological resilience.

The key to breaking the cycle is to try to see each other's psychological needs. As the individual who sought assistance on this platform, your actions demonstrate a stronger desire to alter the status quo and a greater psychological resilience.

If you are amenable, you can initially focus on bolstering your husband's fragile self-esteem and demonstrating awareness of his psychological needs, thereby initiating a shift in the cycle.

Secondly, it is essential to facilitate effective dialogue between the two parties.

Identifying psychological needs represents the initial step in effecting change. However, this alone is insufficient; action is also required to reinforce this recognition.

One possible avenue for improvement is to attempt to enhance communication patterns.

As previously stated, this pattern will be challenging to alter initially. Both parties are accustomed to occupying opposing positions, and it will be difficult for both parties to deviate from the established pattern for an extended period.

Professional intervention can be highly beneficial. If you have any concerns or would prefer to try it yourself first, you can make adjustments to the tone, starting point, and approach of the communication.

As an illustration, previously, you anticipated that your associate would not attend, and you desired for him to fulfill his commitment. At this juncture, you begin by expressing gratitude for his contributions to the family and acknowledging them.

In addition, with regard to the matter of mahjong and drinking, there is no need to insist on an immediate cessation of these activities. Instead, a negotiated approach can be employed to gradually reduce the frequency, allowing for a transition to a reduced or even stopped state.

The dialogue in this process is consultative in nature. Rather than being adversarial, the two parties act in concert against the twin evils of mahjong and drinking.

I wish you the best of luck in this endeavor.

Dear Sir/Madam, I hope this message finds you well. I am writing to you today to inquire about a matter that requires your attention. Thank you in advance for your attention to this matter. Sincerely, [Your name]

I am in a position to offer you some advice.

From your written description, I can see that you appreciate your husband's tendency to drink and that he has promised not to drink or play mahjong again, but has repeatedly broken this promise. This makes you feel that your management of him has not achieved any actual results and that your husband is not very strict with himself. This makes you angry, as you feel that such a person is not sincere and will not keep their promises. As a result, you are considering divorcing him.

From your lengthy text, I can discern that your perspective has evolved from that of his wife to a supervisory, managerial, and dependent role. This shift in role dynamics presents a significant challenge in your relationship.

In terms of your marriage, I believe it would be beneficial for you to discuss with him his perception of the relationship between the two of you. It appears that drinking and mahjong playing are his habits, but ultimately, they will affect your married life.

For example, consuming alcohol and engaging in mahjong will not only negatively impact your health and well-being, but it will also influence your children's behavior and have an overall impact on the cohesion and planning within your family unit.

Furthermore, frequent arguments between the two of you will erode the quality of your relationship, even if you currently have no children. These arguments will reveal the shortcomings of the other person and potential risks, which will ultimately harm your marriage.

Furthermore, you have recognized that frequent disagreements are not beneficial for the relationship. Your assessment is correct. What is his perspective on the nature of these disagreements?

Has he considered any solutions to reduce the frequency of your arguments? Perhaps he will choose not to play mahjong again next time, or not to drink next time, for example. However, he will repeatedly fall into the same cycle again and again.

From your perspective, this is unacceptable, but from his perspective, there may be a number of factors at play, including addictive behaviors and subconscious habits. He has acknowledged the possibility that he is attempting to restrain himself, but has also noted the comfort that drinking and playing mahjong provides. Additionally, he has suggested that after drinking becomes a habit, he may experience anxiety if he does not consume alcohol. This is also a possibility that has been considered.

Given your stated objectives, namely, to manage your marriage well, improve his behavior, and avoid divorce, we can seek solutions based on the aforementioned content.

For instance, you might consider discussing with your husband the two issues of drinking and playing mahjong. If you were to choose to quit drinking, what feelings might this decision engender?

For instance, if he experiences a lack of taste in his mouth when abstaining from alcohol, or if he seeks to consume something in his mouth to relieve his anxiety, or if alcohol provides him with a means of numbing his emotions and an outlet when he is unhappy; with regard to mahjong, he may feel a sense of accomplishment when he wins a game, or he may be able to meet a lot of people through playing mahjong, or he may appreciate the atmosphere when he chats with his friends.

Another possibility is that if he abstains from drinking or playing mahjong, he may lack a clear understanding of how to occupy his time, leading to feelings of emptiness and loneliness. These factors contribute to his repeated broken promises.

We have identified these aspects for joint discussion. If he believes that drinking and playing mahjong will relieve some of his anxiety or that it will be a good way to make friends, we can suggest that he achieve the same purpose through other channels and other things that he loves and that are good for his health.

If alcohol consumption provides a form of anxiety relief, it is important to identify the underlying cause of this anxiety. It would be beneficial to discuss this with him and to ascertain whether he is aware of the potential physical health risks associated with alcohol consumption and mahjong playing.

For instance, it would be beneficial for him to understand that excessive alcohol consumption can lead to headaches and that prolonged engagement in mahjong or emotional fluctuations can result in a range of issues, including physical and cardiovascular concerns. It is crucial for him to be informed about these potential consequences.

If he lacks sufficient leisure activities or hobbies, you may wish to consider exploring them together. For instance, you could go for a walk in the fresh air, appreciate the natural scenery, or read books. Alternatively, you could study recipes and cook together to improve your cooking skills. There are numerous activities he could engage in instead of drinking and playing mahjong, as these can help relieve inner anxiety and depression.

We must still examine this issue rationally and ascertain your husband's true thoughts on the matter. It is then our duty to guide him towards finding his true self, so that some of his habits can be based on a healthy foundation. Only in this way can his life gradually return to the right track, and your marriage relationship will also be peaceful and harmonious as a result. I am confident that you will be able to find the way to manage your relationship.

I wish you the best of luck.

If you wish to continue the discussion, please click on the "Find a Coach" link located in the upper right-hand corner or at the bottom of the page. I will then be happy to communicate with you further.

One Psychology Q&A Community, World, and I Love You: https://m.xinli001.com/qa

Good morning.

The happiness of marriage comes from the joint efforts of two people. It is important to be willing to sincerely correct one's mistakes when problems arise, cherish the present, and be able to carry out one's resolutions day after day. This approach allows one to firmly grasp the hard-won happiness. Otherwise, it may not be sustainable in the long run.

Could the reason for his inability to change his habits be a lack of willpower?

It would be beneficial to consider the value of developing a healthy lifestyle.

It is often said that a person's character is formed by the age of three. Many adults therefore pay attention to correcting character problems from an early age. However, by the time they reach adulthood, their character has already formed and it is difficult to change old habits. This may mean that my husband's "courage to admit his mistakes but his determination not to change" is a sign of his lack of willpower. In fact, his adaptation to life has already formed a very fixed pattern, which may not be a healthy lifestyle. This could result in a hedonistic view of life and a lack of self-restraint. He may become greedy for momentary pleasure but forget his responsibilities. This may mean that he is not aware of it and does not feel bad. When faced with problems, he may just revert to the scenario model from his childhood, thinking that as long as he admits his mistake and avoids disaster, life will return to normal.

It is therefore the case that the wife's repeated forgiveness does not result in the husband's repentance. Rather, it provides him with an opportunity to regain his self-confidence.

[It is important to communicate effectively and to avoid crossing the line when we make a mistake.]

Could I ask why you like to drink and play mahjong? If it is some other healthy hobby, your wife will never stop you. Therefore, hobbies actually need to be limited in terms of requirements and scope.

If it does not affect others and allows you to bide your time, it is a healthy hobby. On the other hand, hobbies that hurt others and themselves may be best abandoned, such as drinking and smoking, playing mahjong. Drinking and smoking are harmful to the body and can cause serious diseases such as pneumonia. However, addiction to gambling is a challenge that can easily make people obsessed with gambling, lose their normal judgment, and seriously affect the balance of life. Therefore, it is okay to occasionally entertain friends and family with a game, but once you cross the normal boundary, it may be helpful to pause and reflect. Take on the role and responsibility of the family, stay away from gambling. If you can't do it, there is no need to persuade him nicely. Use actions to gently remind him that crossing the bottom line may lead to consequences, and consider making your own requests to protect your rights and interests.

[It would be beneficial to develop the habit of communicating and give appropriate space.]

While marriage is a union of two people, it is important to maintain one's individual identity and autonomy. It is not necessary to rely on each other exclusively throughout one's life due to marriage. Doing so can lead to heightened sensitivity to each other's actions, which may in turn affect one's sense of happiness. It is beneficial to create a balance where each person has their own space.

It would be beneficial for each person to take responsibility for their own lives and roles. This would allow them to focus on doing their own thing in their own field.

From the questioner's question, it seems that there may be some difficulty in seeing the independent parts of each other, and there may be room for improvement in the habit of communicating with each other. This could potentially lead to some issues being overlooked, and the generation of emotions may further complicate the situation. This is a problem that could be caused by a long-term lack of communication and therefore a lack of understanding of the other person. In life, it might be helpful to cultivate the habit of communicating in order to understand the feelings and thoughts of the other person. When the thoughts and feelings of one party can be understood and seen, it could help to avoid and correct some issues.

I hope this finds you well. I just wanted to send my best wishes your way.

Hello!

I understand how you feel, so give yourself a hug. You are angry, confused, and helpless!

His bad habits of playing mahjong and drinking are not good. He has repeatedly said that he wants to give up these habits, but he can't do it, which is unacceptable. You feel that the man is not keeping his word, and this makes you feel more hurt and angry than the bad habits themselves. You can't bear it anymore.

I have considered getting a divorce, but my husband is persistent and I am not willing to leave him. It is clear that he has not achieved the majority of the tasks you have requested, which has caused you frustration and helplessness.

I have had a similar experience to yours. I wanted my family to quit smoking, and it was a long struggle with repeated attempts and relapses. I also had the same feelings as you, so I understand you.

Later, I changed my attitude. I knew he understood the reasoning behind it, and that if he wanted to quit one day, he would naturally do so. I realized that my nagging was not only useless, but also detrimental to our relationship.

I don't care about him anymore. He needs to stop smoking at home, and that's it. Then we can live in peace.

Quitting smoking, drinking, and mahjong is difficult. It requires strong willpower. If you want to succeed, you have to do it on your own initiative and from the heart. You can't rely on others to urge or force you.

Your husband keeps promising to quit his mahjong and drinking habits again and again because you nag him too much. According to psychological research, nagging 2 to 5 times is the most effective. He doesn't want to agree, but he has no choice but to do so. In fact, he doesn't really make up his mind to do it. He doesn't understand, and then he can't do it, which makes you feel like he's lying to you and deceiving you, which makes you feel even worse.

He can't do it even though he's forced to because he feels pressure but lacks the motivation to do it on his own. If you can make him understand the harm excessive drinking and mahjong will bring to his health and family relationships, give him a relaxed environment, spend more time with him, and participate in more meaningful things together, and keep him away from the environment where he can drink and play mahjong, it will help him give up these habits.

There are some things in life, especially the demands we make on others, that they may not be able to meet, even if they are our spouse. The only thing we can do in this situation is accept them and guide them on the basis of acceptance.

I am confident that Hongyu's reply will be helpful to you. Thank you for your question!

It's so frustrating when people say "I'm really sorry, but I'll do it again next time"! It makes you feel helpless. Some people are just so infuriating that they can't get them to do anything!

You've made promises before, and while you haven't kept them all, you can still keep this one!

It's clear that this situation has continued many times. The other person has broken promises, drinks all kinds of alcohol, plays mahjong in all kinds of ways, and argues all kinds of ways. The cycle repeats itself over and over again, constantly playing out in your life. It has brought you too much pain, as well as a lot of uncertainty to this family. But you can change it!

The other party originally agreed, which was great! However, I still couldn't do it. Drinking alcohol can make it hard to think clearly, and mahjong is easy to lead to gambling. Neither of these things are good, so we must be firm in our bottom line and allow ourselves to clearly understand our own lifestyle.

The man you're talking about may have repeatedly failed to change his ways and has become what people call an "old hand." But there's no reason to be discouraged! A man like this who does not keep his word, has no self-respect, and has no integrity is very unpleasant. The good news is that it is best to have the necessary communication.

It's time to take control! Explain that this may be the ultimatum. A man should be responsible and be able to make some observations about his life. You can also think about the life experiences you desire. It's not easy to change one's nature, but you can do it! Imagine if you are still living with him like this in five years. Talk to your family and friends. You've got this!

ZQ?

When you truly desire a separation, no one can impede your progress. When you are reluctant to leave him, even if you have made some unfortunate choices, you cannot deny the strength of your feelings for him.

Promises are a sincere gesture, but they can also be easily made. When he becomes more accustomed to making promises, he can be forgiven.

It's not easy to repent. It's like a child, as long as they cry and throw a tantrum, they can always get what they want.

If forgiveness is simply a matter of admitting fault and repairing the marriage whenever needed, then change may not have a solid foundation or meaning. As long as you are willing to admit your mistakes and work on improving, it could be a good approach.

Love is not blind indulgence and dependence, as this may inadvertently reinforce his lawlessness. It's important to recognize that every time you give in, you are indulging him, and every time you forgive, you may not necessarily deter him from making mistakes.

Perhaps it would be helpful to gradually let him get used to living like a child. Then, we could think seriously about the current situation. It seems that he is making mistakes, and it may be that you are also indulging him blindly. Forgiveness may not be the solution.

It is important to remember that repentance must be followed by action. We all know that there is often a significant gap between thinking and doing. While a one-off punishment may not fully address the issue, a reasonable plan can help to gradually reduce bad behavior.

If you are unable to quit an addiction on your own, you may wish to consider the option of psychological or psychiatric treatment centers, which have comprehensive programs in place, provided that he agrees and you are determined.

It might be helpful to take some time to reflect on your own thoughts and feelings, as well as those of your loved one. It's understandable if you're struggling to make a decision. If you're feeling stuck, it could be beneficial to think about the reasons behind your inability to let go and your continued love for him. It's natural to appreciate someone's positive qualities even if there are some areas that need improvement.

Similarly, since it is a life for two, it would be beneficial to help him correct his ways, whether it is a natural addiction or something else. You may wish to consider using your love to rebuild your family and to get to know yourself and your loved one again.

Hello!

From what you've said, it seems like you'd argue about drinking and playing mahjong, and even go so far as to fight and talk about divorce.

One thing is for sure, though, from everything that's been said: "You both love each other deeply."

Why risk a heated argument with your husband over something that isn't hurting you? You're not doing anything wrong, but you are doing something that isn't pleasing.

Your husband's drinking is damaging his health. Staying up late playing mahjong is causing him hidden illnesses. He has no restraint or self-discipline when it comes to drinking and playing mahjong. You feel sorry for him and angry that he doesn't cherish his own body. You argue with him and threaten him.

Your husband seems to think he's an adult with his own sense of propriety and way of doing things. Despite his wife's relentless arguments, quarrels, intimidation, and coercion, he still manages to compromise. He makes promises and swears he'll never do it again, and then the storm seems to subside. He's a man who knows his word is his bond. He's willing to let his wife calm down and tell a few lies to prevent her from filing for divorce. He apologizes and admits his faults when he has to, even if it makes him look shameless and persistent. He clings to his wife and refuses to let go.

There's no blame attached to drinking or playing mahjong. After all, "But the one who kills is also a human being; it is like a person holding a weapon and killing. Is the weapon's fault?"

"Is it the person's fault?" (But the one who kills is the person; it is like people killing with weapons.

Is it the weapon's fault? Or is it the person's fault?

.

It's often thought that drinking alcohol is a sign of being able to handle relationships, work, and business. People who can drink are often seen as being amazing. However, alcohol is relatively harmful to the human body, so it's probably best to try not to drink or drink less.

Here are a few suggestions:

1. Eat a healthy diet every day. Before drinking, eat some probiotics or live-culture, sugar-free, additive-free fermented yogurt to help protect your gut from the damage alcohol can cause by increasing the good bacteria in your gut. After drinking, supplementing with probiotics or fermented yogurt also has a certain repairing effect, but it is not as effective as eating it before drinking.

2. When you're drinking, eat more antioxidant-rich foods like vegetables and beans (check out the 9 types of food with the highest antioxidant nutrient content for more info) and take antioxidant vitamins (like B vitamins and vitamin C) before, during, or after drinking. This helps your body get rid of free radicals faster and reduces the damage alcohol can do to nerve cells and other cells.

Mahjong has been around for a long time. It's not just a game, but also a way to relax and have fun. There are lots of traditions and sayings about playing mahjong in different places. It's a great way to communicate with others and can be good for your mind and body. It can also help with dementia and other chronic diseases, as well as reducing stress. But, like anything, playing mahjong for too long can have negative effects.

The issue that the questioner raised was a genuine concern and came from a good place. However, emotions and a long-standing attitude got in the way, leading to a shift in focus and a preoccupation with the other person's "integrity and deception."

Here are a few suggestions:

1. Understand and coordinate. Let it gradually reduce the frequency of events and gradually break free from your habit.

2. Manage your emotions and communicate rationally. Repeating the same emotional response to the same thing over and over again will reduce the impact of your emotions and thus lose their desired effect. A smile in the snow will make a person feel like spring, and a warm hug in the scorching sun will feel like fire.

3. Identifying Emotions and Sorting Out Positions: Take a step back and think about what's really going on. Try to separate out confusion from misunderstanding. Then, you can figure out exactly where you stand and how to deal with any conflicts.

And with that, I'll sign off with my best regards!

Hello, question asker, It's like seeing a person in the face when you read their words.

In this marriage, the other person's repeated cheating has led to a rollercoaster of emotions. It's understandably frustrating and can feel helpless.

The constant arguing makes you want to give up on the relationship, but he's not willing to let you go.

And you haven't made a firm decision yet. You're still involved.

☁️

He's lost all integrity with you. It's a tragedy for him, and it's painful for you too.

The questioner hopes he'll repent and take responsibility for his family. You've been together a long time, but it seems like he's forgotten his original intentions and isn't willing to take responsibility for himself and his family.

Given these bad habits, they've had some impact on the family and life. What can we do to change that?

This is something you should talk through together.

If it's not possible to make changes, it's best to end things before it's too late. I hope the questioner's divorce isn't a spur-of-the-moment decision, because it's not something to be taken lightly, just like getting married.

This is about your long-term happiness. Take a deep breath and ask yourself what you really want.

Has he changed at all? Do you still have confidence in him?

Are you feeling confident about your future? If you were to become single again, what are your plans for work, life, and the future?

Since you've decided to get a divorce, I don't think there's much mutual dependence or affection left. You've already said everything you needed to say, and you've worked on the things you needed to work on.

Just be at peace with yourself, and you can look back and see what you've learned. The future is bright!

I'm not sure what to say here.

I wish you all the best in the future.

Hello!

From your description, whenever you are confronted with your husband's broken promises, you feel very angry and hurt.

You are even willing to use divorce to resolve the conflict and pain within!

I can feel how much you want to find peace and tranquility within, and I admire your resilience in the face of challenges.

What an exciting topic we have before us! It's not just about keeping promises, but also about how to deal with conflicts and contradictions that arise in marriage.

Let's figure out what's really bothering you!

From your description, it seems that your husband doesn't keep his promises more often in your relationship, which is something we can definitely work on together!

The wonderful thing about us humans is that we all have different beliefs. Some of us think that keeping promises is really important, while others think that telling a lie is no big deal.

Absolutely! It's so important to distinguish between his failure to keep his word and undermining your inner belief in integrity.

Or could it be that his failure to keep his word causes problems in your relationship?

Let's dive into the impact of "keeping promises" on you!

From a personal perspective:

If keeping promises is a belief that you must hold onto personally, then in daily life, for various reasons, we often can't keep our promises 100%. But that's okay! We can still make up for it in other ways.

So, let's learn to view the principle of keeping promises more rationally and deal with it more flexibly!

In a husband-and-wife relationship,

And the great news is that integrity is not only important in relationships with other people, but also in a couple's relationship!

We often enter marriage with good intentions and expectations, and it's so exciting to start this journey together!

Mutual trust and support is the ideal state of marriage and a model of interpersonal interaction that makes us feel happier! When repeated acts of failing to keep promises even damage intimacy and spread distrust in married life, it's time to make a change.

But thinking further,

Now, let me ask you this: what does your husband's commitment mean to you?

What does it mean for your relationship?

Let's use this question as a chance to understand our own needs and those of the other person better!

Let's dive into the heart of the matter and explore the root of the conflict behind the question!

Human behavior is the result of internal motivations such as needs, feelings, impulses, desires, hopes, beliefs, and attitudes—and it's a fascinating thing to behold!

From your description, it seems like your husband is using promises as a way to avoid conflict. He says things like, "I promise I won't do it again after every fight," and "It's not worth it to fight like this over something like this."

On the one hand, you have the exciting opportunity to balance your relationship. On the other hand, you have the chance to balance your own internal needs.

Guess what! Whenever he can't meet your expectations of him, but he wants to relax, drink, and play mahjong, and feels that you don't want him to do so, he'll lie! And this state of affairs makes you feel very painful.

The good news is that you can work through this! It's not that he lied, but rather that your expectations weren't met.

"If you can't do it, don't promise. If you promise, you must do it." What are you looking for, honesty or for him to "not drink and not play mahjong"?

So, when drinking and playing mahjong are the only ways to satisfy his needs, and when this state of affairs cannot or is not allowed to be presented to you, then honesty becomes a very difficult thing. But, you know what? That's okay! He is using lies to balance his relationship with you and his inner needs.

And the best part is, he's the one who "apologizes when he should and admits when he is wrong."

Let's dive into the world of conflict resolution!

When we discover that this kind of lying behavior is actually used to maintain your relationship,

And we want more from each other's honesty so that we can feel more at ease and relaxed in the relationship – it's a win-win!

We can try communicating in a new way, for example, "Although the way you relax is not my preference and I don't feel comfortable, you can still be honest with me." Before that, we can work on managing our emotions better, expressing our emotions better, understanding his needs, respecting each other's needs, and expressing our own requests.

When we communicate more effectively, we can find a way to give each other some space to relax while still meeting our own needs. Both parties can work together to make adjustments. When the other person doesn't need to lie to balance the relationship, a virtuous cycle of relationships can begin in a relaxed atmosphere. This is great news!

Let's boost your confidence in your marriage!

In a marriage, you get to take care of each other, care for each other, and handle family matters together!

However, marriage is a decision made by two adults. And the great thing is, each person gets to take at least 50% of the responsibility!

To supercharge your confidence in married life and give your life more direction!

From a personal point of view, there's definitely a way to reduce dependence on the other half and reduce idealized expectations of the other half!

If we are talking about intimacy, then we absolutely have to look for ways to make it even more intimate!

If we are discussing a marital relationship, then we absolutely must find ways to make it stronger!

If we are discussing how to change other people, then we will always be miserable in the end. But there is another way! We cannot change other people, but we can change ourselves. And when we do that, we can find happiness!

There is so much we can do! Perhaps the best thing we can do is to be more understanding.

It's so important to understand your own needs and also understand the needs of your partner. When you do that, you can negotiate a mutually satisfactory outcome!

When both sides' needs are seen, it's the start of something great! It could be the beginning of a virtuous cycle of communication.

I really hope that we can all learn to persevere in love and compromise in marriage!

I really hope my answer will inspire you!

Thank you so much for your question!

Dear friend,

From your account, I can sense your deep frustration, feelings of helplessness, and pain. It seems that your suffering is caused by your husband's actions. He engages in activities that you don't approve of, such as drinking and playing mahjong, which has led you to express your desire to influence his behavior. However, he has not expressed a willingness to change, which has resulted in arguments and fights, and ultimately, him making verbal promises to back down. However, in reality, he continues to engage in these activities behind your back. You have discovered that he has not been entirely forthcoming with you, which has led to feelings of deception and disappointment.

It seems that you have once again found yourself engaged in a series of lengthy discussions.

It seems that your suffering may extend beyond his drinking and mahjong playing. It is possible that you are also experiencing feelings of anger, helplessness, and a sense of being ignored as you try to reform him but fail.

It may be the case that your suffering stems more from your own inner thoughts.

Perhaps you are interfering too much with his hobbies. It's important to remember that no one likes to be reformed, not even by their closest friends. Especially when it comes to drinking and mahjong, two addictions that are hard to kick, the chances of success are slim, and the effort required is enormous. If you insist on reforming your husband, it might lead to some pain for you both.

How might you approach the challenging emotions that arise from your husband's struggles with drinking and mahjong? I offer the following suggestions for your consideration:

1. It might be helpful to accept the facts and submit to them. The facts are that your husband has developed these habits and it is difficult for him to change. In order to deal with your interrogation, he even says one thing and does another, and has become a man of his word. This shows how attractive these two things are to him, and you cannot change them by yourself. Perhaps it would be beneficial to try to accept the facts and not fight against them.

2. It may be helpful to consider that reforming him may not be realistic. In the book "Men Are from Mars, Women Are from Venus," there is a case like this: Hillary single-handedly built Clinton, selected him from a bunch of guys at Yale, pursued him, and helped him become President of the United States.

However, Clinton repaid Hillary for her efforts by cheating on her. In a speech to a women's organization, Hillary once suggested that it might be unwise to try to reform men.

It is worth noting that this book suggests that men may resent it when women take the initiative to reform them. They may feel that they are the only ones who can solve problems, and they may not like it when women see them as a problem that needs to be solved.

3. It might be helpful to talk about feelings rather than giving advice. Perhaps you could try communicating with your husband in a different way.

It would be more productive to avoid using an imperative tone, such as "Don't play mahjong anymore, or else..." and to refrain from being sarcastic, for example, by saying things like, "You're a scoundrel, you don't keep your promises, I don't trust you."

Perhaps it would be helpful to talk about your feelings. I feel a bit lost and uncared for when you go out drinking and playing mahjong every day. I also feel insecure when you play mahjong and lose a lot of money. I feel cheated and angry when you promise me something and don't keep your word.

4. It may be helpful to consider separating your own life issues from those of others. In his book, "The Courage to Be Disliked," psychologist Adler suggests that interpersonal conflicts may arise when we interfere with other people's issues or when other people interfere with our own life issues.

I believe that our relationships, including the relationship with our spouse, will improve greatly if we can learn to correctly separate our own life issues from those of others.

Perhaps the root of the conflict between you and your husband lies in your tendency to become overly involved in his personal matters. We all have our own understanding of boundaries, and it's important to respect these limits. When we consistently step beyond the boundaries of others, it can lead to feelings of frustration and misunderstanding. It's essential to recognize that your husband has a right to define and maintain his own boundaries, and it's vital to respect that.

5. It may be more straightforward to change oneself than to change others. One of the ideas in the book "Change Starts with the Heart" is that if you feel some kind of pain in your life, if you feel that someone has caused you pain, it may be because there are some unfulfilled desires within you.

Perhaps it would be helpful to consider the underlying reasons for your desire for your husband to stop drinking and playing mahjong. Could it be that you are hoping to fulfill a particular desire of yours by changing him?

Could it be a desire for companionship? Is it a need for understanding or a sense of security?

Perhaps it would be helpful to remind yourself that your suffering is not necessarily a result of his drinking and mahjong playing. It might be more accurate to say that you are suffering because you feel he cannot satisfy you in the way you desire. Once you have identified this, you may wish to consider making some changes to yourself. You could try modifying your expectations and fantasies of him, as well as your feelings about wanting to benefit from him in some way.

It may be helpful to consider that only by letting go of these obsessions can you live a light and carefree life.