How to enter marriage with a boyfriend who has an avoidant attachment style?

Hello! I'll give you a warm hug from afar first.

You feel helpless and want to be understood and supported.

From what you've said, it's clear you love your boyfriend and that you're kind, understanding, and caring. It's understandable that you're having trouble getting along with him given his avoidant attachment pattern. As someone who wants to be loved, protected, and cared for, you've likely experienced a lot of challenges. But you've overcome these through your own initiative to learn and grow. You can try to improve and better maintain the relationship by actively growing yourself in the relationship. This must be out of love, don't you think? Because no matter what the biggest problem in the world is, it cannot be solved by love.

I think you did a great job!

You feel aggrieved, confused, and even helpless and powerless because after you proposed to get engaged, your boyfriend rejected you by saying that you are not ready and you are still like an immature child. At the same time, your mother has also begun to pressure you to get married, which has inadvertently made you feel a certain amount of pressure and a desire to be understood and supported. You have also gained a better understanding of his personality and attachment patterns through active learning, and you can support, accept, and understand him in a better way, and try to get along better. You also have a relatively harmonious relationship with his mother, which gives you confidence and a foundation to propose to get engaged to him.

But he doesn't know any of this. You can try to tell her the reasons and thoughts behind your engagement, and express that you need his support, understanding, and cooperation. But you also hope that he can sincerely express his inner concerns, and you are willing to support him as long as he needs it.

It's possible that the reason behind his concerns is rooted in his lack of self-confidence, a distrust of relationships born of early attachment trauma, a fear of being disliked and rejected, but an inner longing to be accepted, affirmed, needed, and appreciated. In this case, it would be best to try to give more understanding, acceptance, and support. Don't force him to make a choice. Don't put any pressure on him. Let him feel that he is completely accepted in your presence. This should help him to slowly let down his guard and defenses, and to open up to you. He will then be able to trust that you will never leave him or dislike him.

Hi, I'm Lily, the little ear of the Q&A Museum. The world and I love you.

Good day, my name is Xin Tan and I am a coach working with Fei You. I extend to you a warm embrace. It is evident that spending time with your boyfriend, who exhibits avoidant attachment, has been a source of fatigue and distress for you.

He is aware of your affection for him and is therefore amenable to making a sincere effort and waiting patiently. Concurrently, he discerns a modicum of your trepidation, as the time has come to discuss marriage and starting a family, a prospect that has been encouraged by your parents, while your boyfriend has demurred (to the proposal of engagement).

Let us examine together the issues that are troubling you.

1. It is imperative to be prepared to make further sacrifices for the sake of true love.

As previously stated, you have also undergone the requisite learning for the sake of love and your beloved boyfriend, and have made a significant investment of effort to manage and maintain your relationship over the past three years.

You are aware of the familial factors that have shaped your boyfriend's personality, including childhood trauma resulting from his upbringing and his mother's negative sentiments towards him.

An avoidant attachment personality is primarily attributable to a deficiency in security. It is imperative to possess a substantial comprehension of the extent of his childhood trauma during your interactions with him.

Those who are insecure and unwilling to actively pursue healing, whether through self-healing or with the assistance of techniques such as psychological counseling, will likely experience significant challenges when entering into an intimate relationship.

A person's sense of security directly influences the quality of life of those around them. Security can be defined as a sense of certainty and control.

Security may derive from external or internal sources, be inherent or acquired at a later stage of life.

An individual's sense of security is contingent upon their perception of self-worth. For a more detailed examination of this concept, I would direct the reader to my article, "The root cause of psychological problems is actually..."

If one believes oneself to be in a state of true love and wishes to overcome the difficulties inherent in the process of building a future together, it is essential to be fully prepared to meet the challenges that the present and future hold for the couple.

Are you prepared to collaborate with him in order to address your internal experiences of insecurity? Are you willing to await his complete disclosure of his innermost thoughts and feelings? And are you prepared to wait for him, who may not yet be in a position to love you fully?

2. It is important to understand the nature of marriage.

Marriage may appear to be a challenge for two individuals, but it is, in fact, a process that involves two families. It can be conceptualized as the selection of a representative from each of the two original families to form a new family unit.

This is why the adage "six people are lying in your marital bed" exists: each individual brings their own patterns from their original family into their marriage and intimate relationships.

A review of oneself and one's partner reveals that each individual's patterns and patterns of interaction reflect the influence of their original families and parents.

Given that each individual possesses their own inherent patterns, it is inevitable that we will initially observe and learn from our parents. Consequently, these patterns will inevitably manifest in our diverse relationships.

The process of marriage is one that progresses through three distinct stages of adjustment. These stages encompass the integration of the couple's individual interests and hobbies, their respective living habits, and the incorporation of their two families into a unified household.

Marriage is distinct from romantic love in that it encompasses a multitude of intricate details and trivialities pertaining to the daily lives of two individuals. In addition to passion, marriage entails the development of intimacy and commitment.

The cultivation of relationships is a process that requires a significant investment of time and effort over the course of a lifetime.

A successful marriage is not merely a bilateral relationship; rather, it is a collaborative effort that requires emotional intelligence. Even the exemplary and idealistic love between Mr. Qian Zhongshu and Ms. Yang Jiang was jointly nurtured and sustained by them.

It is my sincere hope that the aforementioned information is beneficial to you. I extend my warmest regards to you and to the world, and I send you my love.

Should you wish to continue the communication process, you are invited to click on the "Find a coach" option, which can be found in the upper right-hand corner or at the bottom of the page. I will engage in communication and growth with you on an individual basis.

We will now examine how an avoidant personality is formed.

It is a well-established fact that an avoidant attachment personality is formed as a result of a person's childhood experiences and upbringing.

Some people have grown up under constant criticism and have almost never received the affirmation and recognition of their parents. Some parents believe that boys should be strong and responsible from an early age. They believe that boys should not cry when they fall, but get up on their own. They believe that boys will be severely criticized if they cry. They believe that boys will be scolded if their academic performance does not meet their parents' expectations.

If they are not recognized in their original family for a long time, they will become inferior and sensitive when they grow up. They will always think that they are not worthy of love. They will not accept the love of others because they have been hurt by their most trusted parents. They are used to setting up psychological defenses for themselves. Their subconscious mind tells them, "I don't need so much love." They will not want so much love because they are afraid of being disappointed and hurt.

He avoids expressing his emotions because he's afraid of being seen as weak. He's ashamed to accept other people's emotions because he's afraid of being hurt. He always presents a false self.

Interact with people.

You must learn how to get along with someone with this avoidant attachment personality.

Give the other person enough time.

Avoidant attachment people are most afraid of being forced by others to come out and solve problems. They need time to repair themselves—and they will.

Don't take it personally if he doesn't reply to messages or seems indifferent to your suggestions.

He just needs more time than we do to process things. Give him some time.

2. Respect his little world.

Avoidant attachment personalities always hide in their own little world when things go wrong and refuse to communicate with the other person.

If they're used to disappearing and playing the victim, or if you chase them around the world and then question them about it, they'll only run away faster. The best thing you can do is respect them.

Tell yourself from the bottom of your heart that you are willing to respect his space. You know that in his little world there are vulnerabilities and fears that he doesn't want to be exposed to, and exposing him will only make him hide even further. Treat them like children and be patient with them.

3. Don't be shy about expressing your love.

Avoidant attachment personalities don't say "I love you" all the time because they lack a sense of security and always feel that they won't be loved.

As lovers, don't be shy about expressing your emotions. Tell him you love him and that you miss him. I will respect you and give you space. We can take our time.

Everyone likes the feeling of being loved. Even if they appear calm on the surface, their heart will already be filled with joy.

In short, they are afraid of not feeling secure and of being hurt. Make sure you express your feelings for him sincerely and with patience.

Best regards,

Hello, question asker! I'm so happy to discuss avoidant attachment with you!

From what the questioner has shared, it's clear that she loves her boyfriend very much and has a great relationship with his family. They've even reached the stage of discussing marriage! However, her boyfriend has rejected the idea. I can imagine it must feel a bit overwhelming for her. Let's give the questioner a big hug and offer her some comfort.

Let's start by learning more about what an avoidant attachment personality is and what it looks like.

They often feel that their social skills and attractiveness are lacking, which can make them feel insecure and worried about being abandoned. It's totally understandable! They're always living in fear of being abandoned, no matter how much you love them.

[Over-sensitivity and low self-esteem]: It's so hard to know what's going on with other people, isn't it? It's not always easy to see what's going on with them, and it's also not always easy to see what's going on with you. We all have our own problems that can cause the other person to suddenly fall into a state of sadness or anger. It can be really scary when this happens, especially when the other person doesn't communicate. They just escape. It's possible that your relationship has become very tense, but you don't know why.

It can be really tough to form close bonds with others. You might feel like you're trying your best, but it feels like no matter what you do, no matter how much you love the other person, they always seem to treat you like an outsider. It's a really frustrating feeling, I know.

Secondly, avoidant attachment is already a problem involving personality disorders. Even professional emotional coaches need to put together long-term, detailed plans to help the other person take it one step at a time and gradually come out of the psychological shadow.

I'll be honest with you, this kind of problem is also very difficult for counselors. Can you be more professional than an emotional coach? And to be more realistic, this is our job. We are obliged to help others solve problems when we receive counseling. But this is not your job. You are not obliged to fall in love with someone. It is never easy to change an avoidant attachment personality. You want to have an easy and happy love life, and I'm here to support you in that.

But now, you're facing a challenge. You're looking for a relaxed and happy experience in a relationship, and you're giving more than you ever thought you could. You're willing to wait a month or half a year, but what about later?

I know you love this person and you are willing to sacrifice for them, which is so admirable! But I am just wondering how long you think this can last?

If you don't realize that you're dealing with a sensitive person who needs a lot of time and care, you might end up putting all your energy into the relationship at first. But then, you might start to feel impatient, irritable, and even point at the other person and yell, "You're crazy!"

If that's the case, it might be best not to get too close to this person right away. When the other person gradually opens up, your change in attitude might make this person even more closed off, and he might be even less willing to let others into his world.

If you decide to stick with this person, I have five pieces of advice for you. I know it might not seem like much, but I promise you it'll be worth it. Perseverance is never easy, but you've got this!

1. It's so important to learn to comfort yourself.

I know you'll definitely comfort your boyfriend, but don't forget to give yourself the same love and care. The people we meet are sensitive, changeable, and unassuming. Even if they really like you and love you very much, you may not necessarily know.

So, as you go through this, it's really helpful to keep telling yourself things like, "He likes me, he's just not good at expressing it... He must like me, he even kissed me the other day on his own initiative... You really need to comfort yourself like this, believe me."

2. It's important to be patient and understanding when the other person withdraws.

The biggest difference between an avoidant attachment personality and others is that other people's cold withdrawal in a relationship is often because the other person "has done something wrong." However, an avoidant attachment personality is relatively cold and aloof in relationships, and sometimes what makes them withdraw is that you "have done the right thing."

Because intimacy can be scary for them, in these situations they are likely to pull away and tell themselves, "I can handle it if this person leaves me." So when the other person pulls away, you need to be patient and give this person space.

3. Be patient, my friend.

It's so important to be patient, and it might take a little while to get through to the other person. In many cases, just a little bit of contact and understanding will be enough to make him willing to open his heart to you.

It's totally normal for the other person to take a while to open up to you. They might have a lot on their mind and need to verify things a few times. Be patient! It's not because you did something wrong. It's just the way this person is.

4. Be kind and patient with each other.

Forgiveness and understanding are not about being weak or giving in. They are about guiding and supporting each other. As someone who is in a relationship with someone who has avoidant attachment personality, you may find that the other person keeps avoiding you.

If you can't understand and accept them, you might get bored and think about leaving. Try to guide them positively during your time together. This way, they'll learn how to avoid developing this personality. They'll also learn how to be a normal person in a safe area. Don't expect too much, and learn to encourage yourself.

5. Psychological Construction

When you're dealing with someone with avoidant attachment, it's really important to be strong within yourself and respond calmly. It's also good to understand that the person you love is a free bird who likes to go it alone and come and go in a hurry. They won't become what you want them to be in the short term, but that's okay!

Avoidant lovers can be tricky to love, and falling in love with them is a bit like running a long-distance marathon. It can be tough to gain their sense of security and verbal encouragement. But don't worry! We can be fully prepared mentally and build up our confidence.

When you're with someone who is obsessed with avoiding, it's important to have your own world and not rely too much on each other. When you're together, work together! And when you're apart, remember that you're both excellent and wonderful in your own ways.

Even though we don't know what the future holds, it's always better to focus on working towards a shared goal together than to keep wondering if he truly loves me, don't you think?

I really hope you can think about this carefully. I know people with avoidant attachment styles are innocent and no one wants that, but I just want to say: you are also an ordinary person. When you decide to walk down the aisle with your boyfriend with avoidant attachment style, are you really ready? I totally get it if you're worried that your future life will be dragged into the quagmire of relationships.

If you can accurately judge the actions and status of the two people, you can effectively avoid some problems. I really hope that the sincerity of the questioner will not be misplaced!

I really hope my answer can help the questioner!

From what you've said, it seems like you've invested a lot in this relationship. But after three years, it seems like you still can't motivate him.

And your boyfriend thinks you're immature. I don't know the specifics, but it seems like he's not ready to get married right now.

This is the reality you're up against.

Your boyfriend doesn't want to get married, and your mother is pushing for it, so you want to know how you can make him marry you.

I'd like to ask how you feel about marriage, your relationship with your boyfriend, and your future married life.

You might find it helpful to look at this from a different perspective. If you were not the main person involved in this situation, what advice would you give to the person in the situation you're describing? This can help you to see things more clearly.

Sometimes we get stuck in problems and end up confusing people with our issues. It's time to detach from the situation and take a step back to see the bigger picture.

I'm also not sure why you chose this more challenging path and why you've been so upset.

It seems like your boyfriend doesn't think you're a good match, and you've invested a lot in the relationship. My feeling is that even if you get married, it'll still be a challenging road.

A husband with an avoidant attachment style may withdraw when you're overwhelmed. You'll probably want to cry but not be able to. In other words, you'll be bringing up two children: a crying baby and a sensitive husband.

All right, I have to admit that I'm feeling a bit tired just thinking about it.

I don't know if you've thought about this. It's tough now, and it'll be even tougher in the future. Why would you choose a difficult path?

Is it just because your mother is pushing you to get married? Or is it because you don't want to give up the next three years?

I think you need to think carefully about your feelings, what you want for yourself, and your future, rather than just giving in to your mother's pressure to get married. Of course, I don't know the specifics of the situation.

You might want to think about talking to a counselor.

I'm a counselor who is often Buddhist and sometimes pessimistic, occasionally positive and motivated. I love the world and I love you.

Dear Question Asker,

You are in a challenging situation due to your boyfriend's avoidant attachment style. You desire marriage, yet he is reluctant. Additionally, your mother is encouraging you to proceed with the wedding. This is a complex and emotionally taxing situation for you.

From the initial stages of dating to the eventuality of marriage, it is imperative to recognise that if you are the sole individual assuming a leadership role, you are likely to experience significant challenges. While you may currently be able to withstand certain tests, it is crucial to consider your ability to withstand the pressures of the next 40 to 50 years of marriage.

Consider a hypothetical scenario in which you proceed with the marriage as you had intended, but your boyfriend's avoidant attachment remains unchanged. This scenario would result in your boyfriend, who had initially expressed reluctance to marry, encountering a series of relatively straightforward life situations.

Imagine that you have a baby who needs to be fed at night. You have worked all day, as has he. How would you feel if he couldn't hear you no matter how loudly you called him? What if his parents needed his help? How would he feel if he didn't want to help?

Ultimately, marriage is not just a collaboration between the two individuals involved; it is a collaboration as a whole. If your boyfriend consistently operates at his own pace and you are always able to accommodate his needs, it may indicate a lack of restraint on the part of those around you. This could potentially lead to a situation where your role becomes one of resolving conflicts and managing difficult situations.

If you are the type who absolutely has to have this person, then accompany your boyfriend until this situation of avoidant attachment is resolved, and then discuss other matters.

In the context of a romantic partnership, it is important to recognize that while you and your partner are the primary focus, there are other individuals involved in the broader context of marriage. I want to express my sincere desire to provide you with a comforting gesture. You have demonstrated resilience and strength in your relationship, but I believe you deserve a different outcome. You have a right to be loved and cared for.