How to handle the situation where the mother-in-law is dominant and antisocial, and insists on sending the grandchild abroad for study?

When family conflicts arise, the first thing to do is try to understand and accommodate each other. Family members are irreplaceable. This is different from choosing friends. No matter what conflicts there are between family members, the first choice is to resolve them. Harmony brings wealth. Your tolerance and forbearance towards your mother-in-law reflects that you are a good daughter-in-law. However, if this conflict has existed for a long time and you have tried to accommodate and coordinate with each other, but the matter still cannot be resolved, then you can only deal with the problem from a rational perspective.

The conflict is between you and your mother-in-law. The family of three is just the husband, wife, and child. This is the basic structure of the family. Your mother-in-law is controlling. She has already affected your family life. You and your husband must confront her.

There is no right or wrong in life. Grandma's actions are not malicious, and she is not doing things that are not in line with your customs. You continue to accommodate her and teach filial piety to the elderly. However, life is your own, and only the lifestyle that suits you is the most important. For you, who are already adults, you have the right to stand up for your own rights. History has told you that unilateral tolerance of your mother-in-law will not make her respond politely. You will never know how old you need to be to live according to your mother-in-law's wishes.

The husband is the best mediator, but he has become more of a mama's boy. He doesn't have self-awareness or a strong opinion. He follows his mother's orders. This allows the mother-in-law to be domineering. She has been able to control the family for many years. She thinks the grandchildren and child belong to her. The three of them are a family. They are united against you as an outsider. You are the child's mother. Finally, discuss the issue of your mother-in-law with your husband. It is no longer the same as it was at the beginning. You can choose to accommodate and tolerate. You have already tried unilateral concessions. They don't solve the problem.

You and your husband must face the facts. Have you chosen to live your life as you want, or are you still following your mother-in-law's rules? Respect your child's wishes if they are old enough. If your child wants to go with their grandmother, let them. You are not following your mother-in-law's rules, you are respecting your child's wishes.

Consider your situation. If you've had depression and needed treatment, can you protect and care for your child? If you're depressed and prone to mood swings, it's hard to take care of yourself. How can you take care of your child? This isn't about neglecting your child for your own desires. It takes time to resolve issues. Discuss your life goals with your husband. Know who you are to make the best choice. Also, respect your children. They understand and have thoughts. Respecting them and helping them make decisions is important for their growth.

Good morning, host. I hope this message finds you well.

Thank you for allowing me to address your question. I hope that my input will prove useful to you.

After reviewing your description, I have a better understanding of the question you wish to ask. In light of this, I would like to extend a virtual hug.

From your description, it is evident that your mother-in-law displays paranoid tendencies and exhibits significant boundary issues. This is reflected in her excessive involvement in your and your child's lives, which has negatively impacted your relationship with your child. Consequently, you feel uneasy about this situation. As the child's mother, you have a right to be involved in your child's upbringing. However, it is important to strike a balance and avoid excessive interference from your mother-in-law in your child's growth and development.

From the perspective of the mother-in-law, she is a strong individual with a deep affection for her child. However, her approach to parenting may be perceived as overly cautious. Despite the ongoing pandemic, she is determined to provide her child with an education abroad. This decision is driven by her unwavering belief in the value of overseas education, which has become deeply entrenched in her heart. Consequently, it may be challenging to immediately alter her stance.

I am unaware of your child's age. If he is of an appropriate age, you may wish to encourage him to engage in a constructive dialogue with your mother-in-law. This could potentially lead to a change in her behaviour. It seems that your words and your husband's words have little impact on your mother-in-law. Therefore, your child's current thoughts may have some influence on your mother-in-law.

It is important to note that the relationship between the mother-in-law and daughter-in-law is closely tied to the relationship between the husband and mother-in-law. Based on the provided description, it appears that the relationship between your husband and mother-in-law is imbalanced. This is evidenced by your mother-in-law's excessive interference in your lives, while your husband may be reluctant to assert his preferences. This has led to some conflicts and disagreements between you and your mother-in-law.

In this regard, I have also summarized some ways to help alleviate the current situation, with the hope of providing some assistance.

(1) It would be advisable for your husband to stand up for himself instead of excessively complying with his mother. After all, you gave birth to the child, and the real custody should be in your hands, not in your mother-in-law's.

(2) If feasible, your family may benefit from family system therapy. It may be challenging, but it could be a valuable option for you at this time.

(3) Adopt a relaxed approach and proceed at a measured pace. Excessive pressure can have a negative impact on your current situation.

(4) When you feel too stressed, you can relieve the pressure by engaging in physical activity, listening to music, or speaking with a colleague, rather than internalizing the stress.

(5) It is advisable to ascertain your child's thoughts and feelings regarding the proposed overseas relocation, given that their decisions will have significant bearing on the dynamics of your relationship.

Best regards, The World

Best regards,

Hello! Thank you so much for trusting me and inviting me to answer the questions you have raised. Before we dive into the issues, if you allow, I would love to give you a big hug to show you some warmth and support!

From your description, I understand some of your experiences. Like you, I also have a lot of misunderstandings and difficulties accepting my mother-in-law's words and deeds, and I also feel the anger inside you. No matter who it is, when they encounter a mother-in-law who only thinks and acts from their own perspective, they will be at a loss as to how to respond. But you know what? You can do it! You can navigate this situation and come out on the other side feeling empowered.

I see it this way: first of all, the child's future belongs to the child. At the same time, before the child reaches the age of majority, the parents are the primary responsible persons for how the child is cared for and nurtured—and it's a great responsibility!

You have the right to make your own decisions! This means that no one else, including grandparents, parents, or other relatives, can make decisions for you unless your parents have given you legal authorization to do so.

Second, the most important thing in your family of three is that you and your husband agree on your views. You need to discuss this issue thoroughly and make a decision together. This is going to be great for you both!

Second, express your gratitude to your mother-in-law for taking care of the relationship between your small family. Make sure she knows you'll make your own decisions about family matters and that you're excited to get her consent and support. Even if she objects, you'll still do what you've agreed on. This needs to be clear.

Finally, the mother-in-law is still an elder, and even if their opinions differ, as the younger generation, you still need to respect her in your attitude. It is also important to communicate with her in a firm but gentle tone.

I'm so excited to share my personal views with you! I hope they're helpful. And remember, take care of yourself!

Hello.

Host:

I am Zeng Chen, a heart exploration coach. I have read the post carefully and I understand the feeling of powerlessness you are experiencing.

I also want to commend you for bravely expressing your distress and seeking help on the platform. This will undoubtedly help the host gain a more objective perspective on this matter.

Next, I will share my observations and thoughts from the post, which will undoubtedly help the hostess to look at the situation from a more diverse perspective.

1. Why is the mother-in-law holding the baby?

You mentioned that my mother-in-law has never let go of her child since he was born. She hates being called "the child's mother" by anyone and everyone. She does everything she can to undermine me, even going so far as to mock me and say, "Well, yes, you're the child's mother, no one else asks me but you." It's infuriating. From what you've said, it seems that your mother-in-law is also very strong.

Dealing with a mother-in-law like this is difficult and challenging. Let's now examine the reasons behind her behavior.

People with a strong desire for control often lack a sense of security and love within. This lack of love often leads them to pursue power.

So, as a family, how can you have a say?

The children are the power center in the family, and whoever controls them has the final say. The hostess needs to be able to tell whether her mother-in-law is in this state.

She always holds the child. She says that if someone wants the mother of the child, they should go to you and not her.

This is undoubtedly a power struggle.

You are the most likely to "take power" in the family. She will reject you and stay away because you will make her feel uneasy.

This is undoubtedly why she would go ahead with the grandparent-grandchild notarization and have nothing to do with us once they have left the country! And from another perspective, her son has grown up and been "taken away" by you, and may be becoming more and more independent.

Don't listen to her. She can't control things, so she'll try to control the children instead because they're easy to control.

2. Stick to your bottom line and boundaries.

We can understand why the mother-in-law is doing this, but she needs to realize there is nothing wrong with her. Once she does, it will be easier to change her. Understanding her will help you come up with ideas.

We must stick to our bottom line and boundaries for ourselves and for the children.

Insist on your psychological boundaries and stick to them. This will bring about a new turn for the better. Learn from how others treat you. Stick to your bottom line, abide by your boundaries, and let others know what you can and cannot accept. In return, they will know how to treat you.

You are the biological parents of your children, and I am certain that custody is still in your hands. What you are lacking may not be a method, but rather a relatively good method.

If that is the case, the original poster needs to think about what is most important to them.

3. Seek professional help.

Seek help from a professional counselor if you need to. They can help you solve psychological and emotional problems. You can also seek help from a lawyer. If you don't know much about this area, you won't be able to give a good opinion. Find out about it.

I'm sure this will be helpful to you.

I am confident that these will be of some help and inspiration to you.

Dear host, I extend my sincerest regards from afar, with the hope that they will bring you some solace.

Every family is beset with its own set of challenges, and arguably the most intractable is the "mother-in-law-daughter-in-law relationship," a phenomenon that has persisted since antiquity.

It is undoubtedly challenging to encounter such a mother-in-law. Prior to the wedding, the hostess had also prepared herself mentally, recognizing that she would be residing with her husband, not her mother-in-law.

This demonstrates that the host is a young woman with her own opinions and is remarkably courageous. She deserves commendation for her fortitude. "Love truly demands courage."

Given that the decision to marry has already been made, it is inevitable that there will be disagreements, conflicts, and clashes in the future when interacting with one's in-laws.

It is therefore recommended that the following attitudes towards one's mother-in-law be adopted, with a view to reducing the pain she may experience.

One cannot alter the fundamental characteristics of one's mother-in-law; however, one can modify one's response to her.

It is futile to attempt to alter the behavior of others; one can only modify one's own response to them.

One might inquire as to the rationale behind the mother-in-law's insistence on sending her child abroad. The original poster also indicated that the mother-in-law exhibits a pronounced proclivity for foreign culture and a keen admiration for foreign influences.

She believes that foreign countries offer a superior quality of life for their citizens, and thus, a childhood spent abroad is beneficial for the grandchildren.

If both you and your husband are amenable to the idea of traveling abroad together and you hold similar views, there is no inherent problem with that.

The issue at hand is the unwillingness of both the original poster and her husband to travel abroad together, a decision that is strongly opposed by the latter.

It is therefore evident that the opinion in question is not solely that of the original poster. In addition to the husband's viewpoint, it is pertinent to consider the position of the father-in-law.

In the event that your father-in-law holds your views in high regard, you may seek the assistance of your father-in-law or other relatives in persuading your mother-in-law.

It is inadvisable to attempt to resist alone, as this will only result in personal distress. It is prudent to seek the support of individuals who espouse similar views and to adhere firmly to one's own opinions.

The child is the legal responsibility of the mother, and thus the mother has greater authority over the child.

2. It is imperative to maintain a resolute and unwavering stance.

Regardless of the strength of the mother-in-law's position, parents should be the primary decision-makers regarding their children. Regardless of the severity of the mother-in-law's verbal attacks

In essence, the true source of distress is not the harsh words themselves, but rather the emotional vulnerability they evoke. Therefore, the crucial objective is to fortify one's resilience and foster self-empowerment.

In the context of marriage, it is inevitable that one will encounter situations that cause distress. Rather than attempting to alter the underlying circumstances, it is more constructive to focus on developing resilience in the face of adversity.

In lieu of this, it would be prudent to attempt to minimise the impact of these factors on your own situation, to adhere to the principles that you have previously established for yourself, and to avoid the temptation to succumb to despair and self-pity.

Persevere!

I am Warm June, and I extend my love and affection to the world.

Good day, All respondents have provided thorough analysis and explanations from your perspective. I would like to offer a different perspective, which may not align with your expectations.

There are some differences between your family background and your husband's. The two have different concepts.

There is still room for improvement in your understanding of life and society. For example, the term "antisocial personality" can be searched on Baidu. Based on the information available, it is unlikely that your mother-in-law would be diagnosed with an antisocial personality.

As previously stated, your mother-in-law views you as an outsider. This issue can be examined from two perspectives: one is from the standpoint of blood ties, and the other is from the perspective of family interests.

From a rights perspective, this is a typical family dispute, but it does not appear to be the root cause of your family conflict.

From a rights perspective, it is a typical family fight, but I don't think this is the core of your family conflict. It's easy to understand in terms of blood ties: you are only related to your children by blood, while the mother-in-law is related to your husband and your son. Relatively speaking, the mother-in-law and you may be more distant. This is easy to understand and exists naturally.

However, for a harmonious family, this natural barrier can be overcome.

From the perspective of family interests, a family requires a representative who can act on behalf of the family's interests. When making a final decision, this representative may evaluate options based on the potential to maximize family interests, regardless of external objections.

The most effective way for an outsider to integrate into a family is to align their interests with those of the family. This is not always evident in day-to-day interactions. If you and your husband have a positive relationship, you can tolerate your mother-in-law's actions and she can tolerate yours.

Regarding the current conflict, the mother-in-law is insistent on taking the grandchildren abroad, while you are firmly opposed. You believe that it is neither necessary nor advisable, particularly given the difficulties and complications that can arise in international travel.

From your correspondence, I understand that you are in favor of pursuing an international assignment, but that the timing is not currently optimal. I believe your mother-in-law's perspective is that if you do not embark on the assignment now, you may not have the opportunity to do so in the future.

Your husband is an optimist, so you and he are in agreement on the matter of going abroad now.

My recommendation is to proceed with this venture. It is not uncommon for families to have differing opinions regarding the unpredictability of the future. My suggestion is to first give it a try. If it proves to be a success, there is no guarantee that you will not return. Working together as a unified team can foster greater family integration.

The success or failure of a venture can only be determined by attempting it.

You did not indicate whether you encountered difficulties after relocating abroad. Therefore, I assume that your family did not experience any issues.

Life in a wealthy family is enviable. The ability to choose from a wider range of options is a valuable benefit.

Best regards,