How to properly handle the coexistence with a mother who is chronically depressed and heavily relies on me?

You have indicated that your mother's behavior is influenced by her depression and desire for attention. When things don't go her way, she deletes your WeChat, attempts suicide multiple times, and makes you compromise. Given these circumstances, it is understandable that you are experiencing significant distress. You have expressed a desire for guidance on how to handle the situation.

Your mother may have difficulty accepting your decision to establish your own independent life, but it is also important to maintain a healthy married life. How do you achieve this balance?

I believe there may be a conspiracy between you and your mother. Your mother uses her depression to exert control over you and force you to compromise, and you cooperate with her in this control. Perhaps you have a sense of loyalty and guilt towards your mother, thinking that you should take care of her and make her proud of you; that disobeying her will make her feel bad; and that compromising will make her happy.

It is important to understand yourself and your motivations. Taking care of your mother may give you a sense of worth, but disobeying her may result in feelings of guilt. Conversely, being her pride may help you to survive. However, you are now an adult and can take care of yourself. This requires a degree of selfishness, the ability to take care of your own feelings, and the capacity to live for yourself.

If you wish to disengage from a way of being that has been established in collaboration with your mother, it is essential to pursue personal growth, establish your own boundaries, and conclude your separation from your mother.

It is recommended that you seek the guidance of a counselor to facilitate a gradual adjustment to a secure and dependable relationship. Once you have established a stable sense of self, you will be better equipped to make independent decisions and assertively decline your mother's unreasonable requests.

I wish you the best of luck in your endeavors.

The OP loves his mother. Even after getting married, he is still not at ease with the idea of her being able to "survive on her own."

"My mother was depressed because she didn't get enough love as a child." When was she young? How old is my mother now?

How has my mother endured this for so long?

"Making friends means giving your all, but if you're slightly dissatisfied, you'll break off the relationship." My mother isn't "inferior." She wouldn't break off the relationship if she's slightly dissatisfied. "Giving your all" is more like "conditional" giving!

The questioner is a daughter who makes her mother proud. She has always done well in school and work to repay her mother for raising her.

After the author got married, he never expected that his mother would delete him as a WeChat friend.

The questioner may never have imagined that something similar would happen to you. You may believe your mother's love for you is unconditional.

"My mother's feelings for me are so deep that she can't accept the decrease in attention that comes with marriage." Is this also true for the questioner?

Maybe the questioner can't accept his mother's less attention because of marriage.

How did the questioner know her mother was depressed and tried to kill herself? How did she escape danger?

"I can't reason with her." Has anyone else gone against their mother and not reasoned with her? How did their mother "get through" that time?

How do others interact with her?

"What should I do?" The mother's likely to intensify the conflict, so it's better to delete it.

Other relatives or friends could check on her.

The mother probably knows that the relationship can't be the same, so it's better to end it quickly.

I hope my reply was helpful. Best wishes!

Hello.

I am fortunate to have heard your story with your mother.

Your calmness gives me energy and inspiration.

The questioner has read extensively about her mother's illness. Your opening paragraph about your mother is clearly defined, with both a historical account and a systematic narrative.

You don't judge your mother's actions, but you feel your heartache.

In many stories of symbiotic relationships, the daughter is in pain. Your life is also full of turmoil, complexity, and an emotional vortex that is hard to let go of.

Your energy is amazing.

I wish you the best in your marriage.

You are not rebelling against your mother just because you're explaining things to your husband's family.

Depression is a serious illness. It has caused your mother to attempt suicide on numerous occasions. It is not your fault that you were disobedient to your mother.

Mothers need to have a sense of vitality and presence. Find them suitable interest classes that will make them shine.

Delete your WeChat. She can't face certain things. She's gained a lot of understanding from you in her past life. She's gone from previous inferiority to arrogance. When things have died down, give her some comfort.

Thank your mother for teaching you to be independent, brave, strong, and gentle. Make sure she hears these words and feels your energy. Let her know that while you are her daughter, you are first and foremost an independent, brave, strong, and gentle person.

You have inherited a fine character, and you will continue to be an independent, brave, strong, and gentle person in your own little family.

Your mother is in this condition today, and I know you have helped her a lot. You have quietly put in a lot of effort.

Show your support for the host. It's not easy. Children of parents with depression often face challenges. However, from the host's words, you can see that the host is objective and calm, and has no resentment towards her mother, only understanding and compassion.

Since your marriage, your mother has displayed particular anxiety and restlessness. It is likely that this will persist for some time.

"I believe my mother has a profound emotional attachment to me, which makes it challenging for her to adjust to the natural shift in dynamics that comes with marriage."

This is accurate. It is not feasible to expect the host to bear her mother's anxiety and sadness over this separation.

First and foremost, it is imperative that the host establishes a solid foundation for their own family life.

The exception to the rule is the love parents have for their children, which is oriented towards separation.

It is a natural progression for children to eventually leave their parents, grow up, establish their own families, and become parents themselves.

It is crucial for the host to gain the understanding and support of the husband's family. Your husband is willing to provide support and will undoubtedly offer considerable assistance.

It may take some time to gain her understanding. Should your mother observe that you are genuinely content, she may come to accept this state of affairs.

As a next step, it is important to provide care for your mother and to meet her needs.

Many people equate filial piety with respect for the elderly. However, in practice, most individuals prioritize material concerns and often overlook the concept of "going with the flow."

It is more challenging for children to align their actions with the preferences and emotional needs of their elderly parents.

"I can't go against her, I can't reason with her." I concur with this assessment.

It is not necessary to engage in a discussion with your mother. It is of greater importance to follow her feelings and wishes in order to ensure her comfort.

It is important to note that while these circumstances may result in feelings of discontent and helplessness, it is crucial to prioritize providing care and support to the mother, given her past sacrifices and current health condition.

Ultimately, assist your mother in identifying an activity that aligns with her interests and allows her to fully dedicate herself to it.

When a mother is wholly focused on her child, it can result in a sense of emptiness for her.

We can discuss with our mothers what they aspired to do when they were younger but were unable to pursue due to circumstances at the time.

You may now consider resuming the pursuits you enjoyed as a child.

Assist your mother by providing support and companionship. You may also choose to write her a detailed account of your appreciation, understanding, and aspirations for her future.

It is clear that your mother does not want to be unhappy with you. She is also unable to control the various thoughts in her head. Her greatest fear is that you will get married and she will lose you.

It is important to communicate to your mother that you have always been available to her, but that you also have your own family and responsibilities. It is essential for her to understand your situation.

The underlying cause of the issues is a lack of love and companionship. This companionship may not be physical togetherness, but a closeness of heart and mind that draws her closer. Providing her with love and security is an effective way to help her discover her interests and passions.

If necessary, you should also arrange for your mother to be taken to the hospital for antidepressant medication and treatment, to reassure the landlord.

I wish you the best of luck in resolving this issue. You have the requisite intelligence, sound judgment, and composure to find the optimal solution. I also wish the matriarch robust health and a long life, as well as the entire family happiness and good health.

Hello,

From what you've told me about your mother, I can sense that she's sad and angry.

It seems like your mother didn't get enough love when she was a kid, so she's spent her whole life trying to win the love she didn't get as a child. She's spent her whole life living for others and pursuing her parents' approval.

This pattern seems to extend to all her relationships. She tries her best to be nice to her friends and places a high value on other people's opinions and judgments.

She's all in with her friends, but if they're not happy, she'll cut them loose. She adores her daughter, but if her daughter isn't considerate, she'll delete her WeChat account and get really angry.

I don't know if you can relate to this, but doesn't your mother's life story seem like that of a little girl who never received love? Is she trying hard to be seen, loved, and accepted in life, with fear, obsession, reluctance, and anger? She tries hard to give everything to everyone, to put everyone's opinions and comments at the center of attention, and to satisfy other people's needs.

This is how your mother thinks she can gain love. When things don't go her way, she's usually pretty angry and often cuts off contact.

I think it's fair to say that your mother's way of trying to gain love and recognition is to forget herself, suppress her preferences and feelings, and put others first to cater to them. I'm sure she's endured a lot of discomfort, swallowed a lot of grievances, and endured a lot of fatigue and exhaustion. Her spirit is always on edge, afraid that she is not doing enough. This state of mind can almost crush a person.

I think your mother's depressed state of mind is probably a big part of the problem. Constantly repressing your feelings and suppressing your needs to cater to others is a state that is surely full of tension, fatigue, and resentment.

But your mother isn't allowed to have these feelings, so she suppresses all her negative feelings and is nice to other people. The result is that she loses her vitality and lives in a state of tension and depression.

In this state, even the slightest thing that isn't up to your mother's standards can trigger the anger and resentment that's been building up inside her for years. But there's more to it than that. Underneath the anger and resentment is your mother's deep sadness. She's never lived for herself. She's always given of herself, without ever receiving the feeling of being loved, cared for, and cherished that she longs for in her heart.

Isn't that a bit of a sad story? If you were in your mother's shoes, would you choose to live your life this way?

It seems like your mother's childhood regret has followed her around for life. Is that really the best way to live? If you didn't get love as a child, you can still give yourself care as an adult. You can put your own needs first, take care of your own heart and feelings, and live your life to the fullest, blossoming yourself.

We can choose to live this way if we want to.

You were your mother's ideal daughter since you were a child. It wasn't until you got married that you started to see things differently from your mother's perspective.

This different perspective will cause a lot of turmoil and emotions within your mother. Faced with such a mother, you hope that she will give you space and understand your position, but at the same time you are worried that she will not listen to reason and make things worse. I think that, in addition to having a deep emotional attachment to your mother, you also have a deeply entangled relationship with her.

Maybe you felt your mom's love from a young age, but it was because you had to meet her needs and standards. In this kind of relationship, you might have also built up some anger, resentment, and exhaustion because you've been working with your mom for a long time.

These emotions will also come up when you have a disagreement with your mother, which can make you more anxious.

On top of that, you might also be a bit like your mother. To get her love and approval, you often do what she wants and go along with her. Now that you have a family, this way of relating to people might also continue in your interactions with other people, such as your husband and your in-laws.

So, you've got to accommodate more than just your mother. There are multiple people involved, and their needs are often conflicting.

Your mother needs your help, your husband needs your attention, and your in-laws need your respect. You might feel anxious and unsure of what to do.

I'm curious if what I said resonates with some of your inner struggles. If so, how would you like to respond to your inner anxiety?

A lot of this anxiety comes from the fact that when we're dealing with other people, we put them first and forget about ourselves. If we can pay more attention to our inner selves, asking ourselves more often what we're feeling in the moment, what we need, and how we want to respond,

First, find a stable center within yourself. Then, respond to the needs of others.

If you're willing to take care of others, do it. If you're not, or if you feel like you don't have the energy, take a break. Take care of yourself. Then, be honest with the other person. Say, "I'm really chaotic right now. I need to calm down and settle myself first."

You'll gradually stop putting other people first and start focusing on yourself. From a place of true empowerment, you'll respond to the outside world. You'll be able to interact with your mother, your husband, and your in-laws in a calm and kind manner.

This process requires courage. You may have to face a lot of inner unease, doubt, and fear, and you may also have to deal with a lot of past emotions, such as anger and hurt.

But you will become a different person, a brand new, more powerful self.

I used to be that daughter who tried hard to please my mother, so I have a good understanding of the story of pleasing and the difficulty of breaking out of this pattern and the possibilities that come with breaking free. It may not necessarily apply to your situation with your mother, but I hope it will be of some reference to you. Best wishes.

Hello, question asker! I'm so honored to answer your question. After reading all your descriptions, I can very much understand the state your mother is currently in, as well as your care for her.

Your mother's childhood experiences left her with a lack of parental love. To gain her parents' approval, she suppressed her own needs, which led to her developing an inferiority complex and a sensitive and slightly subservient personality. This is a very common situation! People who have experienced this often turn out to be generous and kind, treating others with humility and politeness, which are their strengths.

He has had some tough experiences in the past, which have made him feel really insecure. This has led him to focus a lot of energy on you, almost forming a symbiotic relationship with you. On a psychological level, there is even more dependence, and he is more sensitive and likes to make a big deal out of small things. When you spend time with him, you are able to be aware of this, so when you explain something to him, he will think you are deliberately distancing yourself from him.

In this situation, it would be really helpful for you and your mum to be treated as a whole. A therapist with family guidance experience could help you sort out your family relationship and adjust any conflicts that arise from personality differences. The therapist is not there to convince anyone of anything, but to support you both in communicating and understanding each other better.

Rather, it serves as a communication relay station, conveying each other's true intentions and eliminating misunderstandings in your communication due to emotional expression. There is no fundamental conflict of interest between mother and daughter, but more misunderstandings brought about by emotions.

Once you've resolved any misunderstandings, your relationship with your mom will be even closer than before. And it'll be built on mutual respect and understanding! I'm Happy to Have a Date 1983. The World and I Love You!