I am uncertain about how to proceed and what type of person I am?

Good day.

After reviewing your message, I believe the question can be summarized as follows: you want to understand yourself and, at the same time, determine the best approach to choose and interact with your future partner.

I will now proceed to share my views on these two aspects.

Facing oneself can sometimes feel like "not knowing the true face of the mountain." It would be beneficial to have a tool that can objectively evaluate oneself or obtain a professional evaluation.

It is important to note that the only person who can truly understand oneself is oneself. The desire to understand one's current self is often driven by a desire to understand how others perceive that self.

It is human nature to want to be seen as perfect by others.

It is therefore essential to gain an understanding of oneself and one's own capabilities.

It is not uncommon for the mind to create contradictory and conflicting psychological conditions, which can result in discomfort.

The source of this pain is typically rooted in one's life experiences and cognitive patterns, which are shaped by upbringing and worldview.

To gain self-understanding, it is essential to confront one's own emotions.

If you wish to effect change, it is essential to start from within. The first step is to become aware of your thoughts and to understand their origin. Once this is done, you can accept them. The next step is to love yourself. Once you have achieved this, you will be able to love others and understand and accept them.

It is a lengthy process, and an essential one for achieving happiness.

How do you approach the other half of your future business partner?

In the book "Inferiority and Transcendence" by the renowned psychologist Adler, the following description of marriage and love is provided: "Love, and its result, marriage, is the closest devotion to a partner of the opposite sex, which is expressed in the mutual understanding of the heart, physical attraction, and the common desire to have children." It is evident that love and marriage both entail a cooperative aspect, and that this cooperation is not only for the benefit of the two individuals involved, but also for the betterment of humanity as a whole.

The key terms in this description are "dedication" and "cooperation."

How do you select a suitable partner?

The suitability of a prospective partner depends on their willingness and ability to cooperate. Naturally, compatibility is enhanced when there is a mutual desire to work together.

This will also be determined through a period of getting to know each other and adjusting to each other's styles.

How do you ensure compatibility and a positive working relationship throughout this process?

I will now present the method of consistent communication.

The specific approach is as follows:

First, it is essential to determine what information you wish to convey to the other party and to ensure that your emotional state is stable before communicating.

In order to facilitate effective communication, it is essential to adhere to the following guidelines:

1. Only convey the facts, refrain from forming judgments.

2. Only express your feelings and wishes, and refrain from making any complaints or accusations against the other party.

3. Allow the other person sufficient time to express themselves. Concurrently, listen carefully and be aware of your own feelings.

4. Provide the other party with feedback regarding your feelings, and adhere to rules 1 and 2 in subsequent communication.

This approach facilitates deeper mutual understanding and enhances mutual respect.

I hope this information is helpful.

I wish you the utmost success.

This is to confirm that the meeting scheduled for May 11, 2022, will proceed as planned.

Hello, host! I'm a listener who's eager to hear from you.

After reading your post, I really felt for you! In this situation with your parents, don't you feel a particular lack of belonging and security?

You want to solve the problems you're facing through marriage, but your boyfriend doesn't seem to offer more security.

So you're feeling pretty confused about what the future holds for you!

The sense of security and belonging that your family of origin can't give you might only come from within.

As long as you put the work in, you can heal and ultimately find happiness. It's all about the choices you make.

I'll share a few thoughts of my own, just for reference! After all, everyone's situation is different.

Firstly, you need to be financially independent and have the ability to support yourself.

2: Take it slow, especially when it comes to the big events in life. [Although life is long, the key moments may only come a few times]. Is there anything that is really that urgent?

Third, you said in the article that your family can't help you when things come up. Have you thought about getting help from someone outside your family? If you're facing a problem that you can't solve on your own, why not get advice from someone who really knows what they're doing?

Fourth: The people who can help you aren't just your family. Think about whether there are kind, wise people around you who can put themselves in your shoes and listen to their advice.

5: You're already 25, so it's time to take responsibility for your own life. You might like the help of others, but the only person who can really help you is yourself.

Six: If you can, find a counselor to help you work through the issues you're facing with your family of origin.

As they say, God helps those who help themselves. There's no such thing as a life that will never change for the better, only a self that will never change for the better. Life will only change for the better when you change for the better.

Take responsibility for yourself. The past is in the past. Focus on the present.

We can't decide our fate, but when it comes our way, we can make our own choices. How we choose will determine our lives.

Believe in yourself. You've got this. There are plenty of people and mentors on this platform who can support you.

We're all behind you 100%!

Greetings, host. I am smiling.

After reading your description, I have a better understanding of the question you wish to pose, so I will offer you a hug in four dimensions.

From your description, it is evident that your family of origin exerted a profound influence on you. Following the divorce of your parents and the subsequent formation of new families, you frequently resided with your aunt and grandmother. This led to your aunt and grandmother becoming overly involved in your life, motivated by the desire to provide what they perceived as the best possible care and guidance. This resulted in feelings of discomfort and a perception of living in an environment that was somewhat oppressive.

In the company of your aunt and grandmother, you frequently relax your inhibitions and reveal your true self. You believe that they will never blame or abandon you, and therefore feel able to be your authentic self in their presence. However, you also acknowledge that your temper can flare up in response to their actions, which you perceive as attempts to do what is best for you, and which you feel are misguided.

Furthermore, there is a notable degree of resistance and ambivalence towards the marriage partner, yet due to the lack of rejection, there is a tendency towards acquiescence in response to certain actions. This submissiveness, however, is accompanied by a sense of discomfort, as it deviates from one's own preferences, yet the means of expressing these preferences remains unclear. In this context, I extend a supportive gesture.

In this regard, I have also provided a summary of methods that may assist in alleviating the current situation, which I hope will prove beneficial to some extent.

(1) It would be advisable to attempt to reconcile with your biological family, rather than resisting the process too strongly, as this may exacerbate the situation.

(2) With regard to one's marital partner, it may be preferable to listen to one's genuine desires rather than unconditionally obeying the partner's wishes for their own benefit.

(3) It is imperative to express one's feelings and thoughts in a manner that is both appropriate and transparent. Despite your initial mention of this in your description, the other person chose to ignore it. Consequently, it is crucial for you to clearly and explicitly convey your genuine thoughts and feelings, rather than offering ambiguous suggestions.

(4) It is important to recognise that you have the capacity to effect change. While initiating action may initially present a challenge, your growing awareness suggests that the issue is not as intractable as you had previously assumed.

(5) It is recommended that individuals provide themselves with positive self-suggestions on occasion. For instance, following the completion of a first attempt, it may be beneficial to offer oneself words of encouragement or a reward.

(6) It is advisable to relax, proceed at a gradual pace, and avoid excessive pressure, as this may result in a negative emotional state.

The world and I extend our love to you.

Best wishes for your continued well-being.

Dear poster, I hug you!

I can feel how fragile the poster is and how their family didn't love them. I hug you again, my child.

Everyone grows up from childhood. Some have happy childhoods, while others have unhappy ones.

An unhappy family hurts children.

Some people use their childhood to heal their whole life, while others use their whole life to heal their childhood.

Are we doomed to live unhappy lives because we grew up in unhappy families?

What's your answer?

The host will say, "I want to be happy for the rest of my life."

How can the host escape the pain of the past and be reborn?

1. Accept the past and yourself.

We can't choose our family, but we can accept it and ourselves.

Not everyone can accept everything. But as people grow older, some slowly come to terms with it.

Take things lightly and accept the past. We can't change the past.

You can only change the present and the future.

2. Focus on your heart, not other people's opinions.

Most people care what others think.

I'm afraid people will judge me for my background.

If you don't say what you want to say or do what you want to do, you'll become socially anxious and weak.

Don't try to please others at the expense of yourself. Maintain an appropriate distance from others.

If you can't help, say no. If you care too much about other people's feelings, you'll never be strong.

Friendliness isn't kindness. It's cowardice and weakness.

Maybe the host said, "This is who I am, and I don't want it to be like this. I know this personality was formed since childhood, and it's impossible to change overnight."

People grow through experience. Tell yourself you want to become strong and principled. If you constantly tell yourself this, you will slowly develop an idea.

This is true. The host may want to try it.

3. Find your strengths.

You feel lost because you don't know what you want to do, who you want to become, or what state of life you want to achieve.

Most people don't know what their future holds, but some people set goals and stick with them.

Some people are lost. I hope the poster can find out what he is best at, what he should do, and whether he can support me. First, he needs to become independent.

These are my views on the original poster's questions. I hope they help.

What type of person am I?

The original poster said they are quick to anger with close people but not strangers.

Most people have these emotions. Some people only change their attitude towards their family after they become aware of this.

The poster is delicate, sensitive, and vulnerable, but can lead a normal life.

Can this type of person change?

Everyone is unique.

Outgoing isn't always good, and introverted isn't always bad. Stay true to yourself, accept yourself, and be yourself.

If you accept yourself, you don't have to change. If you want to change for someone you love, that's okay.

Don't be too hard on yourself. You can't change your personality just by saying you can.

Stay true to yourself and don't hurt others.

Question 3: How do I express my thoughts to my partner? (I've tried, but he ignores my feelings and thoughts.)

It can be hard for others to empathize, even your boyfriend.

Tell your boyfriend what you want and need. If he ignores you, don't sulk or refuse to speak to him.

Think about the other person. Is this topic interesting to them?

What should I do when I'm with him?

We're together for pleasure, to keep each other comfortable, not overly dependent, independent, and to hope the relationship is sweet.

From the start, the original poster has been seeking inner peace and understanding.

It's a good start to save yourself. I believe the original poster can get over her family's trauma and take control of her life.

I wish you a happy life!

I'm Warm June, and I love you!

Hug the host. When I was a child, I really needed more love from my parents. When something happened, my parents didn't seem to notice or couldn't protect me or solve the problem. Thankfully, my aunt and grandmother were there for me.

It's also called doing what's good for you. Even if your grandparents or aunts may have been "good to you," you still might have felt a bit uncomfortable.

"Because of a lack of love, I want to find love in love," but I may not even be able to see clearly what kind of person he really is. On the other hand, I feel that he was good to me at the time.

Social phobia, which makes it really hard to say no.

And finally, you might feel like there's nothing you can do and that it's difficult to express your thoughts clearly.

The first and second questions from the original poster are both based on this aspect of "understanding oneself."

When we don't know ourselves well enough, it can feel like we're at the mercy of circumstances. And when we argue with other people, it's not uncommon to find ourselves getting emotional.

It's so hard when you can't express your thoughts clearly and precisely, and the other person ignores them.

So, how can we better understand ourselves?

1. It can be really helpful to distinguish between facts, opinions, feelings, and needs. Once you've done that, you can think about what you can do next to make yourself more comfortable.

Oh, my poor boyfriend! He was 10 minutes late for our date today.

I feel like he has no sense of time and doesn't care about me, which is a shame.

I feel so bad and so sad.

I need someone who will always care for me and be good to me.

Take a moment to reflect: Why do I have this need? What can I do for myself to make myself more comfortable?

It's so helpful to record your needs and reflections in a notebook when you encounter every event.

If you do this for 28 days, you'll get a lot more in touch with what you need and why, and you'll understand your emotions and behaviors better, too.

2. Learn to love yourself just the way you are!

For example,

I can also have a friendly debate with others and express my thoughts and feelings.

I can express my own thoughts, and when I disagree with the other person,

I can also make demands when I feel I need to, and that's okay!

I'm guessing you weren't with your folks a lot, so you might have hidden your needs and thoughts.

We all do it. We try to live up to being someone who pleases others, believing that they cannot have different opinions, and just letting things happen.

It can be really tough when we don't get along with our true selves. It can make us feel pretty painful and even numb.

You can tell yourself, "It's okay to feel bad sometimes, and it's okay to speak your mind. You can even argue with other people if you need to."

When you accept yourself just as you are, you'll be able to live more and more authentically.

I truly believe we can change our type!

When you find a way that suits you, live more authentically, and become stronger inside, you'll meet a better version of yourself. I believe in you!

You'll no longer be limited by your current type. Instead, you'll be guided by the kind of person you want to become in the future and your willingness to work hard to achieve it.

Of course, there are also various personality tests nowadays. These are a great way to get to know yourself better and, if you need to, you can take a test to gain a more comprehensive understanding of yourself more quickly.

Now, let's dive into the last two questions, which are all about getting along in an intimate relationship.

There's a common misconception in intimate relationships that when we meet someone who loves us, our own problems will magically disappear.

We can't change anyone, but we can change ourselves!

Similarly, we can't expect anyone else to solve our problems for us. We have to do that ourselves.

So, in a relationship, the more comfortable you feel, the better you can express your feelings. And the more independent space you have, the healthier the relationship will be!

The best way to express your feelings is in a loving way.

Because I care about you so much, I want you to understand how I feel. Is that okay?

I really want this relationship to get better, so I'd be really grateful if you could listen to what I have to say.

You can use a gentle tone, try to remain calm, and speak without emotion in a relaxed atmosphere.

You can express your thoughts and feelings in this way, my friend.

I truly believe that if the other person also loves you and cares about the relationship, they will definitely listen to what you have to say.

One last question, which I answered earlier: communicate in the way that makes you most comfortable.

Without any fuss, without overthinking, and without holding back, the two of them express themselves with complete sincerity. It's truly the best way to connect with each other's hearts.

But isn't that what love is all about?

Don't worry too much about having arguments. After so many years of marriage counseling, many couples have been arguing all the time, but they can't be separated by arguing.

The main reason is that the other person expresses their feelings and any unhappiness by arguing. In this relationship, they don't hold back or hold in their feelings.

They can go far instead!

I'm really concerned that in a marriage where emotions aren't expressed, one or both parties always hold back, which is really uncomfortable, and slowly turns into cold violence. The longer it goes on, the more likely it is to separate.

Believe in yourself and believe in him, too. If the other person wants to be with you, they'll take your thoughts and feelings into account because that's how love works. There's nothing better than having someone there for you every day, even if you don't say "I love you" a thousand times.

I wish you all the very best for the future! I hope you continue to get to know yourself better, improve yourself, love yourself, and tell yourself that you deserve all the good things and a happy life. You can do it!

Hello!

My parents are divorced, and I grew up with my grandparents. Now, only my grandparents and my aunt care about me.

You're aware that you're getting married to escape.

At first, you felt the other person was good to you. Now, you don't know what's going on.

What love means

We don't get to choose our parents, but we do get to choose our lovers.

If we didn't learn to love ourselves and others in our family, we can still learn to love others by forming close relationships. Any relationship helps us see ourselves, and we must love ourselves before we can love others.

When we love ourselves, we can love others better.

From your description, I can see you've discovered a new side of yourself in this relationship.

You have social anxiety and can't say no. You have thoughts but can't express them.

When arguing, I cry and can't speak.

You can be a bully with close people but not strangers.

Seeing is a chance to change. Let's pause and think about why we behave the way we do. What are our real needs?

If you could do it over, what would you do to satisfy your inner needs?

▫️Professional counseling can help you understand yourself better. If you can't get counseling, learning about psychology or self-awareness can help.

Approaching relationships with a mindset of learning rather than escaping pain may help us become better versions of ourselves, find our soul mates, and have happy intimate relationships.

I recommend the books "Intimacy" and "Nonviolent Communication" for managing intimate relationships.

If you want others to respect you, respect yourself. Follow your true thoughts, and you can live the way you want.

I think a lot. Thanks for reading!