Hello, I hope my answer is helpful to you.
From what you've said, it seems like you're looking for a sense of being loved. It's clear that your relationship with your father isn't great, so it's natural to crave that same level of love and security in a romantic relationship. However, you've also mentioned that you've lost trust in men and love, and that you're not interested in getting close to anyone. From a psychological perspective, this is often due to an inner insecurity in relationships, which can lead to feelings of worry and fear. You've also mentioned that he's very similar to your childhood friend, and that you once hurt your childhood friend and lost a friendship. It seems like you're trying to make up for past mistakes and avoid hurting him, and also afraid of losing the only person who's shown you love. Is that right?
There are a few ways we can tackle this.
Take a look at your own upbringing, especially your relationship with your father in recent years. This will help you understand what expectations and needs you have for your father.
As girls, how we get along with our dads when we're young is a good predictor of how we'll get along with our partners when we grow up. We tend to look for partners who are similar to our dads, not just in looks or height, but in certain inner qualities. I'll give you an example. My dad didn't talk much, but he was very warm and caring towards me, and he was very attentive. So when I was with my husband later on, I was curious. He didn't look like my dad, and his personality was different from my dad's. So what was it about him that attracted me?
We were first in love and have been together for over 15 years. We're still very much in love because he has a similar characteristic to my father: he can give me meticulous care. When I feel uncomfortable, he knows I have a cold or something is wrong just by the way I sound.
In the past, because I didn't start working right after college, my dad wasn't too happy with me. Every time I went home, he'd say things like, "What's the point of reading so many books if you can't make any money?" So, in those years, because I didn't feel like my dad approved of me, I realized that I also cared a lot about my husband's approval. When he was dissatisfied with me in some way, I became very sensitive and then became very angry.
Later on, I realized that the main issue was my relationship with my father. When I have expectations and needs for my father that he doesn't meet, I transfer these needs to my husband, hoping he can fulfill them. However, even though my husband acknowledges me, I still don't feel good about myself. This shows that a healthy intimate relationship can help, but it's not the complete solution.
2. You might want to try communicating and interacting with your father to express your expectations and needs. When your relationship with your father improves, your relationship with other men will also improve accordingly.
So you'll see that your relationships with other men aren't the core of the problem. What matters most is your relationship with your father. If you can improve your relationship with your father and have different views and feelings about him, you'll also feel differently in your intimate relationships because you'll have a different view of men and love.
As I mentioned earlier, I haven't felt my father's recognition or affirmation in recent years. This has led me to worry that my husband won't recognize me in our relationship. Even if he does, I still don't feel it's genuine because my father still doesn't recognize me. After understanding the reason, I directly expressed my feelings and needs when I returned home and asked my father, "Do you recognize me?" After he gave me an affirmative answer, I felt a lot more relaxed. He's just not good at expressing himself verbally. Those "dissatisfactions" he once had with me were just his worries that I wouldn't do well. In fact, he very much recognizes me. He said that he often talks about my good points outside, but I rarely hear it myself because he's not good at praising someone in person. Even if I'm his daughter, it's still difficult for him to express it to my face...
After getting my dad's approval and acknowledgment, I felt happy and relaxed again, just like when I was a kid. I knew that my dad had always been there for me, supporting and empowering me. The cool thing is that as my relationship with my dad improved and I felt more of his support and recognition, my relationships with other men also changed. I could feel my husband's care and love for me more, and I could also feel the support and recognition that male authority gave me, rather than being afraid of their criticism and dislike of me, like I had been before. In other words, I felt more secure in my relationships with them.
So, you could also try talking to your father and telling him what you want and need from him. Let him know that you care about and need his love and support. I think that once you've had a good chat, you'll feel more powerful and secure in the relationship.
3. The most important thing is to learn to care for yourself and to love yourself.
Later on, I realized that it's not really realistic to keep asking your father for affirmation and a sense of security. Plus, if your father is unstable and he doesn't give you what you need, you'll just end up getting hurt again. So, if there's no way to communicate with your father, the most important thing is to learn to care for yourself and love yourself. When you love and approve of yourself enough, you'll feel secure in any relationship.
You mentioned you're looking for a sense of love. It's because we lack love inside, so we always hope to find love outside. But the outside world isn't as stable as we think, and everyone has their own shortcomings and inadequacies. The other person also needs our love and support, right? This makes you feel like there's still not enough love because we still lack love inside.
The projection effect in psychology is the idea that we project our inner feelings and thoughts onto the outside world, thinking that other people feel and think the same way we do. So, when you feel unloved, don't approve of yourself enough, and don't feel secure, you'll think other people feel and think the same way about you. The key is to look within. When you love and approve of yourself enough, and feel secure within, you'll feel more love and approval from others, and you'll feel secure in your relationships.
It's really important to learn to care for yourself, to learn to love yourself, and to achieve self-acceptance. It's not easy to achieve, but it requires a long period of constant practice to gradually improve self-acceptance.
I've got an article about self-acceptance that you can check out. It's got lots of exercises on self-acceptance. You can also read the books Rebuilding Your Life and Accepting Your Imperfect Self. They've got a systematic approach to self-acceptance and knowledge that'll be helpful to you.
Once you've accepted yourself, it's important to learn to approve of yourself, recognize your own merits, and affirm your own value. One simple way to do this is to write down one of your own merits every day. You can also try keeping a "three-positive diary," where you record each day what you've accomplished through your own efforts and affirm your own value and dedication. If you do this consistently over time, you'll start to recognize yourself more, feel more secure, and notice your inner strength growing.
When you're feeling down, you can treat yourself like a good friend would, giving yourself tolerance and understanding, support and encouragement, taking care of your diet and daily life, taking care of your feelings and emotions, seeing how hard it is for you, and giving yourself heartfelt care and support, understanding and holding. You'll find that you can be your own best friend.
When you give yourself enough love and recognition, your heart will become more stable and full. You'll also be more at ease in any relationship because your inner stability has improved, and the external world you see will become more stable as a result.
This is just a reference for now. Best wishes!
Comments
I understand how you feel. It's tough when we can't seem to find a stable and healthy relationship. I think it's important to prioritize your own wellbeing and emotional health above everything else.
It sounds like you're going through a lot of pain and uncertainty. It's okay to want love and validation, but it's crucial that the person giving it to you respects you completely. Maybe it's time to focus on healing yourself first.
You deserve someone who will always treat you with respect and kindness, not just in good times but all the time. It's hard to trust again after being hurt, but holding on to someone who repeatedly hurts you might not be the best way forward for your own peace of mind.
It's clear that you've invested a lot emotionally here. But remember, no one should have to endure disrespect or harm for love. Sometimes letting go is the hardest thing, but it can also be the most liberating.
Your feelings are valid, and it's understandable to fear losing someone who seems to care about you. However, true love should make you feel safe and valued without any doubts or fears.