I hate my boyfriend. He has said hurtful things to me in the past, but he is being very nice to me now.

First, take a moment to calm down, think carefully, and listen to what your innermost thoughts are really telling you. What level of needs are you really looking for?

When a relationship reaches its conclusion, it is not always advisable to assume that the most appropriate course of action is to simply let it go. It may be more beneficial to take the time to ascertain your true desires.

The initial level of needs is concerned with physical intimacy, which can be defined as material and practical care.

They provide excellent care, demonstrate kindness and consideration, foster a sense of warmth, and are consistently available.

The second level is about needs. In the context of emotional intimacy, this refers to emotional and psychological care.

When you are fatigued, he can provide warmth; when you are distressed, he can offer comfort; when you are frustrated, he can provide support; and when you are emotional, he can understand your positive and negative emotions. You feel secure, safe, warm, happy, and relaxed.

The third level of need is spiritual intimacy, which is about soulful care and empathy.

You are interested in each other's thoughts, learning, life and development, and careers. You share the same values (and there may be disagreements, but they are for the sake of the common pursuit of truth), and you are pleased by the moment when your perspectives align during discussions on life, philosophy, art, and careers.

Please indicate your preference. The first option is straightforward to achieve as it simply requires a desire to connect with you and a willingness to be kind.

The second type is someone who can understand your emotional nuances, which is a challenging quality to find. The third type is someone who can grasp your intellectual perspectives, making them even more difficult to locate.

It should be noted, however, that the three needs may evolve in a progressive manner.

Rather than pursuing a romantic relationship, it may be more productive to view the situation as a mutual exploration of compatibility and interest. It is understandable that this approach may initially seem implausible, given the lack of familiarity and trust that typically precedes a formal relationship.

It is important to note that the information available to you is limited to that which the other person deliberately chooses to reveal. This is akin to being moved to go on a date and subsequently learning about the other person's hurtful side, followed by an apology that seems insincere. Different experiences and feelings are shaped by different periods of understanding.

Unfortunately, online dating presents a significant challenge in this regard: it is difficult to establish sufficient contact and gain a comprehensive understanding of the individual in question. In real life, there are often unexpected developments, such as realizing that a person is not who they seem to be.

The surprise is merely a limited impression of limited feelings, and it is a misunderstanding that the observed portion represents the entirety of the individual in question.

You are experiencing a sense of emotional reluctance and rational resistance, as well as a foreboding about the unknown. This is preventing you from making a decision about this matter or this person. Even if you make a decision based on your own perspective, you still imagine the rationality and authenticity of his explanation. However, it is not possible to assert that this is the case, as isolated events can only be speculated upon.

There is no perfect method for judging reality. It requires many premises and conclusions, and is fundamentally an inductive inference that cannot guarantee against possible changes and errors. However, this is already the best possible way to find the greatest probability among uncertainties. When even examples and samples are extremely limited and insufficient, it is not possible to predict the future.

Please clarify the rationale behind your inference.

In such a situation, reason will undoubtedly lead to a lack of belief. However, it is important to note that it is not the object itself that is untrustworthy, but rather the reason, basis, and process for believing that cannot be achieved. Men and love are not inherently untrustworthy or trustworthy. The more crucial question is whether you are willing to choose to believe.

This is not an illusory or general term. It is a specific person and specific thing, based on the facts and various manifestations of getting along with each other. Is the reason for your choice convincing enough to make you believe? If there is a sufficient reason, what makes you not believe?

I wish you success and happiness in your endeavors.

I'm wondering if you ever feel like your relationship with your boyfriend is a bit like a repeat of your relationship with your father?

If your dad wasn't the best, it's totally normal to have lower levels of affection and trust in others.

It's so important to remember that whether or not the other person is actually a terrible person, or just seems to you, in your eyes, to be as unsatisfactory as your father, will affect your guarding against and development of intimacy.

A female university senior has had a rough time with her father throughout her university years. She went home last December and had another argument with him, so she was looking for a way to feel loved and supported on social media.

I'm really interested to know why your relationship with your father was so bad throughout your university years.

I'd love to know more about your relationship with your dad. Were there ever any big arguments or conflicts? Or did you just have a general dislike for each other?

I'd love to know what your relationship was like before.

If you've always had a tough time with your dad, it's totally normal to look for love from someone else.

Such love is often accompanied by preconceptions, unease, and defensiveness.

Because of home learning this year, I've been in a relationship with three boys successively, with only a one- or two-month break in between. I've learned that being in love is just a booster, and after breaking up, I still feel depressed every day. I played this app, and the first two boys I dated only for a month each. The last one has been on and off with me since May. He works in a state-owned enterprise and is quite good at his job. I was very touched by the feeling of being loved, so we got together and are now living together.

Maybe you're ready to find someone special and start a new love story. It's totally understandable to want to jump right into a relationship without really knowing if there's a spark there.

Meet, get involved, and if it's not a good match, no hard feelings! You can always split up.

I can see how this last guy made you feel loved. It's so great when you meet someone you feel like you've found your person!

After that, he hurt me by making insulting and lewd jokes. We broke up. A month later, he said he was miserable. I couldn't bear to be apart from him and got back together with him. He's treating me well now, sending me messages like lovers do, always asking me to say that I love him and that he cares about my feelings and is afraid of losing me. I've been molested twice before, and he knows about it. I'm not sure if we can get back together. I'm afraid that he's just like that. He apologized, saying that he was joking and that it would never happen again. He's treating me well now. We live far away from each other and can't meet in person because of the pandemic. He's so busy with work that he doesn't have weekends and can only find time to contact me at work.

Oh, it's so sad! A joke has ruined your good opinion of him.

I totally get it. Even if the joke was really out of line and rude, it's like you have this image of a "proper man" that you just don't want to mess with, right?

It's totally understandable that you're still a bit apprehensive about his integrity, especially given that you've been through this before.

It's totally understandable! You're in different places and have little contact, so it's hard to know if your boyfriend is like this.

So, you just want to make sure he's a decent man and really loves you, right?

It's totally understandable that you don't believe in men or love right now. It's also understandable that you don't want to be in a relationship. Every time you want to break up, you can't bring yourself to do it. He says he loves you very much, and I can see why you're afraid to break up. You're afraid of hurting him and losing the only boy who loves you. I can relate to feeling lonely. I lost a friendship once because I hurt my childhood friend.

It's totally understandable that you might have some trust issues when it comes to men and love. It's so sad that you didn't feel your father's love and were molested twice.

If so, it's totally normal! We all long for love and are eager to find it. Sometimes, we lower our expectations and meet someone who is not so "serious." We give our all for any little kindness from others.

Or, because of distrust, you may come across as a little cautious and afraid to establish an intimate relationship with someone.

In both cases, you've gone to some pretty extreme lengths.

It's totally normal to want to get involved and protect yourself when you're getting to know someone new. Just remember to keep your guard up a little, but not too much!

If the other person is indeed not serious and has crossed your bottom line, then it's time to let go.

But if the other person has their own principles, is generally of good character, and truly loves you, and occasionally makes a little joke to draw closer, as long as it is not harmful, there is no need to amplify it to the extent that it reflects badly on his character. Otherwise, it is easy to miss out on a relationship.

I can see that your current desire to break up with him is caused by your distrust of intimate relationships.

I just want to check in with you and ask: will you regret giving up so soon when you don't know each other well enough?

It might be a good idea to listen to your inner voice and ask yourself if you love him.

If you're only trying to avoid hurting his feelings because you don't love him, but you're stuck together, it's not going to be a happy situation for you, is it?

If you love him, then by all means, keep dating! You'll know when the time is right to make a decision after getting to know each other better.

I really hope these answers can help you!

Hi there! I'm Yan Guilai, a psychological counselor. I really hope things work out for you and that you find happiness!

Hello!

I am a heart exploration coach, and I can tell you with certainty that learning is the treasure of the body.

From your description, I can clearly see your inner turmoil, worries, fears, hesitation, pain, and confusion.

I won't go into the details of your emotional problems here, but I will give you three pieces of advice.

First, you need to understand yourself and accept your situation.

Doing so will make you feel slightly more relaxed, which will help you think about what to do next.

You say you're a senior in college. You had a bad relationship with your father, so you sought love on social media and dated three guys. You were with the last one for five months, but he made insulting jokes and you broke up. You contacted him after he told you he was having a hard time. Now you're in a relationship, but you don't trust men or love. You're torn about breaking up. He said he loves you, apologized, and promised not to say those things again. You're worried about losing the only guy who loves you. This guy is like a childhood friend you hurt, which makes you even more hesitant. You're in a bad relationship with your father, so you long for love. You've been hurt by insults, so you're suspicious and don't trust people easily. You're also afraid of hurting him, just like hurting your childhood friend.

You must allow yourself to understand yourself and accept your current state if you want to promote change in the status quo. It may sound contradictory, but that is the truth: change is based on allowing for no change.

Secondly, you must view your own state rationally.

Rational thinking helps you understand yourself and reality better.

Think rationally. You need to do two things:

First, understand this: true love is built between two people who are true to themselves and can maintain an equal state of mind.

Let me be clear: you cannot force yourself to be with someone just because he is similar to your ex, even if you don't like him and don't love him. That is not true love.

You need to figure out what your own criteria for choosing a partner are. What do you value most in a guy? What comes second? What comes third? What can you do without? Having these criteria will help you avoid idealizing your partner and see if you really like this guy.

Second, understand that you have the power to change the status quo because you can change.

Once you've taken the initiative and made your own choices, your feelings and outlook on this situation will naturally change. You'll feel less conflicted and more in control. It's important to remember that you're still young and have plenty of time to learn and grow in your understanding of love and your ability to love.

Thirdly, you must focus on yourself and think about what you can do to feel better and be able to make a choice.

For example, follow your own criteria for choosing a spouse to see if this boy meets them. If the things you care about most are not in him and you have rationally considered that you don't have much information or expectations for the future with him, then you should break up with him. You are only considering that he is like your childhood friend and you are embarrassed to break up with him, but that is not a good enough reason to stay with him.

If you find that this guy meets your criteria for a spouse, but you are worried that he will say hurtful things to you in the future, give him some time to prove himself. Don't rush into a decision.

Tell yourself that love and men are not your problem. Everyone has a basic need to love and be loved. You also have a need to be loved. This boy is not your father figure. He is not the source of your problems. Make a distinction between him and your father. Avoid generalizing. You will feel better.

You are worthy of love because you are unique. It doesn't matter if your father doesn't love you. Maybe you misunderstood him, or maybe he doesn't know how to love children. Either way, you are still worthy of love. This realization will help you feel better. You can do something to improve the situation.

Once you take action, the negative emotions will dissipate. Action is the enemy of negative emotions, allowing you to make rational decisions.

I am confident that my answer will be helpful to you. If you would like to communicate further, simply click "Find a coach to interpret – online conversation" at the bottom, and I will communicate with you one-on-one.

Hello, I hope my answer is helpful to you.

From what you've said, it seems like you're looking for a sense of being loved. It's clear that your relationship with your father isn't great, so it's natural to crave that same level of love and security in a romantic relationship. However, you've also mentioned that you've lost trust in men and love, and that you're not interested in getting close to anyone. From a psychological perspective, this is often due to an inner insecurity in relationships, which can lead to feelings of worry and fear. You've also mentioned that he's very similar to your childhood friend, and that you once hurt your childhood friend and lost a friendship. It seems like you're trying to make up for past mistakes and avoid hurting him, and also afraid of losing the only person who's shown you love. Is that right?

There are a few ways we can tackle this.

Take a look at your own upbringing, especially your relationship with your father in recent years. This will help you understand what expectations and needs you have for your father.

As girls, how we get along with our dads when we're young is a good predictor of how we'll get along with our partners when we grow up. We tend to look for partners who are similar to our dads, not just in looks or height, but in certain inner qualities. I'll give you an example. My dad didn't talk much, but he was very warm and caring towards me, and he was very attentive. So when I was with my husband later on, I was curious. He didn't look like my dad, and his personality was different from my dad's. So what was it about him that attracted me?

We were first in love and have been together for over 15 years. We're still very much in love because he has a similar characteristic to my father: he can give me meticulous care. When I feel uncomfortable, he knows I have a cold or something is wrong just by the way I sound.

In the past, because I didn't start working right after college, my dad wasn't too happy with me. Every time I went home, he'd say things like, "What's the point of reading so many books if you can't make any money?" So, in those years, because I didn't feel like my dad approved of me, I realized that I also cared a lot about my husband's approval. When he was dissatisfied with me in some way, I became very sensitive and then became very angry.

Later on, I realized that the main issue was my relationship with my father. When I have expectations and needs for my father that he doesn't meet, I transfer these needs to my husband, hoping he can fulfill them. However, even though my husband acknowledges me, I still don't feel good about myself. This shows that a healthy intimate relationship can help, but it's not the complete solution.

2. You might want to try communicating and interacting with your father to express your expectations and needs. When your relationship with your father improves, your relationship with other men will also improve accordingly.

So you'll see that your relationships with other men aren't the core of the problem. What matters most is your relationship with your father. If you can improve your relationship with your father and have different views and feelings about him, you'll also feel differently in your intimate relationships because you'll have a different view of men and love.

As I mentioned earlier, I haven't felt my father's recognition or affirmation in recent years. This has led me to worry that my husband won't recognize me in our relationship. Even if he does, I still don't feel it's genuine because my father still doesn't recognize me. After understanding the reason, I directly expressed my feelings and needs when I returned home and asked my father, "Do you recognize me?" After he gave me an affirmative answer, I felt a lot more relaxed. He's just not good at expressing himself verbally. Those "dissatisfactions" he once had with me were just his worries that I wouldn't do well. In fact, he very much recognizes me. He said that he often talks about my good points outside, but I rarely hear it myself because he's not good at praising someone in person. Even if I'm his daughter, it's still difficult for him to express it to my face...

After getting my dad's approval and acknowledgment, I felt happy and relaxed again, just like when I was a kid. I knew that my dad had always been there for me, supporting and empowering me. The cool thing is that as my relationship with my dad improved and I felt more of his support and recognition, my relationships with other men also changed. I could feel my husband's care and love for me more, and I could also feel the support and recognition that male authority gave me, rather than being afraid of their criticism and dislike of me, like I had been before. In other words, I felt more secure in my relationships with them.

So, you could also try talking to your father and telling him what you want and need from him. Let him know that you care about and need his love and support. I think that once you've had a good chat, you'll feel more powerful and secure in the relationship.

3. The most important thing is to learn to care for yourself and to love yourself.

Later on, I realized that it's not really realistic to keep asking your father for affirmation and a sense of security. Plus, if your father is unstable and he doesn't give you what you need, you'll just end up getting hurt again. So, if there's no way to communicate with your father, the most important thing is to learn to care for yourself and love yourself. When you love and approve of yourself enough, you'll feel secure in any relationship.

You mentioned you're looking for a sense of love. It's because we lack love inside, so we always hope to find love outside. But the outside world isn't as stable as we think, and everyone has their own shortcomings and inadequacies. The other person also needs our love and support, right? This makes you feel like there's still not enough love because we still lack love inside.

The projection effect in psychology is the idea that we project our inner feelings and thoughts onto the outside world, thinking that other people feel and think the same way we do. So, when you feel unloved, don't approve of yourself enough, and don't feel secure, you'll think other people feel and think the same way about you. The key is to look within. When you love and approve of yourself enough, and feel secure within, you'll feel more love and approval from others, and you'll feel secure in your relationships.

It's really important to learn to care for yourself, to learn to love yourself, and to achieve self-acceptance. It's not easy to achieve, but it requires a long period of constant practice to gradually improve self-acceptance.

I've got an article about self-acceptance that you can check out. It's got lots of exercises on self-acceptance. You can also read the books Rebuilding Your Life and Accepting Your Imperfect Self. They've got a systematic approach to self-acceptance and knowledge that'll be helpful to you.

Once you've accepted yourself, it's important to learn to approve of yourself, recognize your own merits, and affirm your own value. One simple way to do this is to write down one of your own merits every day. You can also try keeping a "three-positive diary," where you record each day what you've accomplished through your own efforts and affirm your own value and dedication. If you do this consistently over time, you'll start to recognize yourself more, feel more secure, and notice your inner strength growing.

When you're feeling down, you can treat yourself like a good friend would, giving yourself tolerance and understanding, support and encouragement, taking care of your diet and daily life, taking care of your feelings and emotions, seeing how hard it is for you, and giving yourself heartfelt care and support, understanding and holding. You'll find that you can be your own best friend.

When you give yourself enough love and recognition, your heart will become more stable and full. You'll also be more at ease in any relationship because your inner stability has improved, and the external world you see will become more stable as a result.

This is just a reference for now. Best wishes!

Good morning, question asker!

My name is Yi Ming, and I'm a heart exploration coach.

I appreciate your perspective and the complexity of your feelings.

I appreciate that you've taken the time to reflect and process this situation.

I would be delighted to have a chat with you and hope that I can be of some help.

1. It might be helpful to listen to your inner voice.

"He hurt me by making some jokes that were not very nice and that were also a bit sexual, so we broke up." Later, you made up.

Could you please share what your feelings were at the time?

Could I ask why you want to improve your score but feel unable to do so?

Could it be that you simply can't imagine life without him, or are you perhaps concerned about losing someone who cares about and loves you?

Could I suggest that if you had someone who cared for and loved you by your side, you might feel less hesitant?

You say that he treats you well now. Could it be that your feelings have changed, or is he meeting your expectations of being loved?

Perhaps it would be helpful to test this in reality.

You might consider asking yourself a few more questions, as sometimes the answer will slowly become clear in our hearts.

A good relationship is one in which there is a mutual trust and a sense of being nourished by each other. It is a relationship in which both partners feel valued and unique.

I believe that true love strengthens each other.

It may be helpful to consider that your feelings or actions are not necessarily driven by a desire to avoid loneliness or isolation, or a need to prove your love.

2. Consider ways to improve your relationship with your father and enhance your capacity to love and be loved.

You have given this matter a great deal of thought.

I would say that my relationship with my father was not as strong as it could have been throughout university. I came back in December last year and we had another disagreement.

Perhaps it would be helpful to reflect on your relationship with your father from childhood to adulthood.

I wonder if my father was able to provide me with the kind of companionship that I needed.

Another individual offered a different perspective:

It could be said that a father-daughter relationship is a microcosm of gender relations.

A daughter's feelings about her father, their relationship, and the way he treats her can have a significant influence on her future relationships.

It is possible that if your father had been more present and had given you more unconditional love and support, you might not have had so many doubts and struggles with your boyfriend.

It is often the case that girls look for a lover who resembles their father.

It would be fair to say that we don't always trust our fathers very much, and we can often be suspicious of our lovers.

Fortunately, we can take comfort in the knowledge that as long as we are aware of the impact of our relationship with our father on our intimate relationships, we can be reassured that the relationship between father and daughter affects our gender relations, but it is not decisive. This gives us the opportunity to rewrite the script of our lives.

For instance,

From this point forward, it would be beneficial to engage in a rational analysis of your relationship and mode of interaction with your father.

It would be beneficial to address any past issues that may be causing you discomfort.

How do you feel about having been molested twice?

Could I ask whether you feel you have been healed?

If your father is unable to provide the love you desire, it may be helpful to consider ways of giving yourself the love and recognition you need.

It would be beneficial to find someone who truly accepts and recognizes you.

3. Consider how you feel about your boyfriend.

It might be helpful to consider rating our boyfriends.

This score is a personal standard that you can use to guide your decision-making.

For instance, it might be helpful to consider whether he is reliable, whether he accepts you enough, and whether you are happy with him.

He seems to share many similarities with your childhood friend. Could you perhaps find yourself inadvertently transferring some of your feelings for your childhood friend to him?

Could it be that you're trying to make up for hurting your childhood friend and losing a friendship through him?

If I may ask, would your feelings about losing your boyfriend still be the same if you believed you would be liked by many good-looking people of the opposite sex?

I believe that sorting all this out will help us gain a deeper understanding of ourselves and identify our true needs.

If it is of interest to you, you may wish to read "It turns out that understanding is more important than love."

I hope you find the intimate relationship you desire.

I believe that the relationship with your father and the relationship with your current boyfriend are not an issue.

If we can face our fears head-on, listen to our inner voice, and believe, we can rebuild our trust in love and in men.

I wish you the best of luck!

I wish you the best of luck!