I hate my father, but my upbringing doesn't allow it. What should I do?

Greetings, I am a heart exploration coach, here to offer you a warm and compassionate presence as you share your emotional story.

I have taken the time to read your article with great care. Rather than viewing it as a question, I feel as though I am listening to a good friend recounting his story. For you personally, it is also a form of "free writing." Writing can have a profound therapeutic effect and is a process of dialogue with oneself.

You observed that the outcome was positive, that you exercised your independence and autonomy, and that you have experienced the happiness that is rightfully yours in life. You have not allowed your original family or your parents' influence to determine the course of your own life. I commend you for that, and I send you a warm hug as well.

Together, we had the opportunity to communicate and reflect on the impact of our family of origin on us and how we might consider fine-tuning the direction of our lives in the future. Learning from others' examples can be a valuable way to improve ourselves.

It could be said that parents are our original family, and that we are the original family of our children.

It may be the case that parents who have not received healing will pass it on to their children.

Recalling your father's life experience from your perspective, including the misfortune of his childhood, is a testament to your love for him. However, your strong sense of self has perhaps led you to bury your feelings deep down.

As you mentioned, you have also undergone healing through learning and counseling. In a sense, you have forgiven your father and achieved a psychological separation from your family of origin and your parents.

It might be helpful to consider things from different angles. You observed that your father's approach to education for you sisters was shaped by his own experiences and those of his parents.

It's important to remember that parents are not perfect, and they have their own limitations. We, on the other hand, have more opportunities and platforms to learn, and we have better abilities to self-reflect and think.

It might be said that every wound is within us, and that life is a continuous process of self-renewal. This suggests that every wound contains the seed of healing and renewal.

While it is true that scars protect us from further harm, they can also limit our breakthroughs and development in life. If we do not heal our scars, they can build up and create walls that imprison us inside a safe but very limited space.

It could be said that psychological wounds are similar. They are psychological scars that serve as a reminder to avoid repeating the same mistakes.

From a psychological perspective, it is possible that everyone's life could be better if we are willing to heal the scars and tear down the walls that we have built for our own safety.

2. Attempt to understand and accept your parents, and consider re-evaluating them from the perspective of a stranger.

"The Power of Self-Healing through Writing" suggests a method in which children might benefit from re-evaluating their parents from the perspective of a stranger. This could help children better understand their parents and the motives behind their actions, which might in turn lead to a greater sense of acceptance.

It might be helpful to think of accepting your parents as a way of allowing yourself to see the truth of more issues, so that you have more choices and more freedom. It could be beneficial to separate your father's actions from his identity. While actions may have been wrong, the motives behind them may have been good.

It's possible that what he could do and give you was all he had, all within his ability and knowledge.

You mentioned feeling "hate" for your father, which is a strong indication of the significant influence he had on you. The book "If Fatherly Love Is Absent" suggests that fathers often serve as a source of guidance and support for their daughters, providing them with a sense of stability and a model for navigating relationships with others.

It could be said that a father's influence on his daughter's happiness in life is profound.

While anger is a transient emotion, when it turns into hatred, it can have long-lasting consequences. Hatred, if left unchecked, can become a lifelong burden that will not bring happiness.

It is also worth noting that hatred can have the unintended consequence of turning you into the very person you hate. As the saying goes, "I hated you, and when I grew up, I became you."

It can be challenging to move past feelings of hatred, especially when we feel hurt or believe we have been hurt. It's natural to look for someone or something to blame in such moments. However, we may find ourselves unable to confront the source of our pain, leading to feelings of resentment and anger.

It might be helpful to think about hatred in two different ways: hatred of others and hatred of oneself. When you fully feel this hatred, you might realize that you are actually hating yourself more, hating your own powerlessness, your inability to fight back and escape the "cage" of your family of origin.

3. Reconciliation with one's parents is not necessarily about forgiveness, but rather about finding ways to improve one's own happiness.

How might we approach the challenge of hatred? While forgiveness is often discussed, there is another way to deal with it: forgiving.

One way to assess a person's maturity is to observe whether their mind is open to considering two different perspectives without hindering their ability to take action.

When a person can adopt a more nuanced perspective and empathise with the diverse situations and perspectives of those around them, they can potentially evolve into a more mature and wise individual, capable of forgiveness. Forgiveness, therefore, is a personal process of self-healing, not a transactional act involving others.

Forgiveness is a way of showing understanding for the mistakes or shortcomings of another person without being judgmental or punitive.

Forgiveness often requires us to acknowledge the faults of others. When we find it challenging to do so, it can make it more difficult to forgive.

This is simply the reality of life, which can make it challenging for us to forgive someone.

It might be said that we tend to focus on the faults of others, which could suggest that forgiveness is a conditional process.

Forgiveness is a combination of the Chinese characters for "heart" and "as." The structure of the characters suggests two meanings:

1. If you were to put yourself in another person's shoes, you might find yourself feeling similarly to how they feel. 2. When you are at ease, your heart will be at ease.

Forgiveness is a process that involves self-reflection and personal growth. Even if others are at fault and we cannot change them, we can choose to forgive ourselves and become more comfortable with ourselves.

Forgiveness is not about excusing others, but rather about stepping out of one's own prejudiced and subjective world and stepping into a more objective perspective. When you forgive yourself, you may find that things are seen in a more truthful light, and that there is nothing to forgive.

Forgiveness is not about excusing others, but rather about letting go of the pain in your heart and returning your mind to peace.

It can be challenging to reflect on the past, but there are often resources and insights to be found in the experiences of the past.

With time, the past will become fond memories.

You may also find it helpful to imagine yourself "flying like a bird to your mountain." This can help you move beyond your original family, heal yourself, and become a better original family for your children.

I hope these words are helpful to you, and to the world. I love you.

If you would like to continue the conversation, you are welcome to click "Find a coach" in the upper right corner or at the bottom. I would be delighted to communicate and grow with you one-on-one.

From your question, I understand that you have a strong negative sentiment towards your father. You have indicated that you dislike him, but your education does not permit you to express that sentiment.

What is the recommended course of action?

Firstly, it is evident that your father has not fully processed his own childhood experiences and has consequently projected his pain onto you and your sister. It is therefore unlikely that he has fully developed the capacity to love you in a healthy way.

A father who has not learned to love well can cause significant distress to his children when dealing with them. As you mentioned, he labeled your sister as useless and had unrealistic expectations of you. It seems that your father is also experiencing difficulties.

While the action may not have been intentional, it did cause you distress. The circumstances of your birth were beyond your control.

While one cannot choose one's origins, one can certainly choose how to deal with one's family of origin. Take, for instance, your emotions towards your father.

Given the circumstances, it is important to allow yourself to feel the resentment you have towards your father. This emotion is real, and it is not constructive to use a moral high ground to make yourself feel even more sad.

You stated that your education prevents you from harboring negative feelings towards him. However, even if your education prevents you from holding ill will towards him, does that not mean that those feelings still exist within you? Therefore, acknowledging the existence of these emotions may be a more constructive approach to dealing with them.

Regarding your academic pursuits, you are currently enrolled in high school, correct? At this stage of your academic journey, you have developed your own unique perspective.

It is important to be able to express your thoughts clearly and calmly, even if you feel strongly about them. It is not helpful to engage in arguments or conflict. Instead, you should be able to express your thoughts in a way that is firm but also respectful and considerate.

Regarding the question of whether to pursue a degree in the arts or science, if you are determined to succeed, your father cannot go to school to influence your academic decisions.

This is an opportunity for personal growth. It is beneficial to discuss challenges with trusted colleagues.

You may also wish to consult with trusted elders for assistance. It is advisable to identify local resources and establish your own psychological support system. This will enable you to cope more effectively with similar issues in the future.

I hope this information is useful to you.

I was so inspired by your words! Many parents are passionate about educating their children, driven by their own efforts, but unaware of the impact their actions have on their children.

There are so many professions in the world, and the profession of parent is one of the most rewarding! It doesn't require any knowledge or training, and it's a natural assumption that everyone is born to be a parent. In fact, most parents just ensure that their children are fed, let alone educated, and that's a great start!

But guess what? Childhood is over, the past cannot be changed, and our lives will continue. How we live in the future is in our own hands!

The good news is that recognizing the problems in your family of origin and your parents' shortcomings is the beginning of healing!

Absolutely no parents are perfect. This is what traditional education teaches us, and it's a great thing!

We should be filial and grateful to our parents, and when we cannot do so, we have the opportunity to learn and grow. Even if we reject being close to our father and hate him, we can choose to blame ourselves first. Because our education does not allow us to do so.

However, parents are also human, and no one is perfect. Everyone has their own problems. I'm so happy for you! I'm really proud of you for doing such a great job analyzing and sorting out your original family. It's so impressive how you saw the father's longing for love during his growth process, his "anger" towards his brother, and his eagerness to prove the value of his abilities.

And it's all because of these reasons that your father had problems with education, and you suffered greatly.

Given these circumstances, it's totally normal for you to have a strained relationship with your father. It's understandable and acceptable!

You've taken the first step towards relieving the pain your father has caused you by understanding the reason for his current situation.

Embrace the things you can't change and make the most of the things you can!

Now that you understand the reasons for the current situation, it's time to see what we can do!

What you cannot change is your father's upbringing and his way of educating you.

And the best part is, you can control your own thoughts and actions!

You've got this! Worrying about something you can't change won't help the situation. So learn to accept the situation as it is.

Once you accept the situation, you'll be able to understand your father's current approach to education. You'll also find that rebellion and resistance will be reduced, which will make communication and interaction between you much more enjoyable!

Who knows? Maybe your father's education methods will change! It's not something you can decide, but you can certainly try to influence your father through communication and interaction. You never know what might happen!

Absolutely! You can definitely try to influence your father through communication and interaction so that he recognizes his own problems. You can also try to influence your father to accept the advice of the psychology teacher and education expert. But remember, everything is unknown, so anything is possible!

And the best thing you can do is to consider how you view your father's education and how you respond to it!

Think about all the great times you've had with your dad. What are the best moments you'd like to remember? And what are some of the highlights your dad would love to look back on?

When your father disagrees with you, do you strongly oppose him? Or do you try to communicate with him properly, or come up with other better compromise solutions?

Sometimes, as a "person involved," we get stuck in the conflicts in front of us, unable to see the bigger picture. We only see the negative side, and the more we think about it, the angrier we get. But if we change our perspective and approach, just think of how much potential we have to open up!

The relationship between parents and children is a dynamic process of constant conflict and resolution. Because the two generations have completely different growth experiences and educational philosophies, there is bound to be a big generation gap—and that's a good thing!

Disagreements are totally normal! The key is how everyone interprets and responds to these disagreements.

Seeing the "love" and "care" behind these inconsistencies and being able to try to communicate positively is what will keep our parent-child relationship going—and it's an amazing thing!

If you've tried everything and the relationship still seems stuck, don't worry! There's no need to fret. Just accept the situation for now and look forward to a brighter future. In a few years, you might just find a way to bridge the gap.

Wishing you the very best!

Greetings! I extend a warm embrace from a distance.

The straightforward wording of your appeal demonstrates your profound displeasure with your father, as well as your comprehension and affection for him. This is an emotional articulation of your most intimate sentiments.

From your description, it is evident that the profound love, admiration, respect, understanding, and compassion you hold for your father are the underlying cause of your animosity towards him. In fact, this sentiment extends to yourself and your sister as well. Genuine hatred would not attempt to comprehend and empathize with your father, who is afflicted with a lifelong illness, to gain insight into his treatment of his children.

The reason you say you "hate" your father is because in your opinion, your father was seriously neglected, rejected, denied, abandoned, and unloved during his upbringing. No one understands better than your father the trauma caused to a child's body and mind by being emotionally neglected, rejected, and abandoned by their own parents. And yet, after you became an adult, your father treated you and your sister more or less in the same way as your parents had treated him. Your father's actions seem to be deliberately designed to make you and your sister experience the same pain he once experienced. Therefore, you cannot understand or forgive your father for his attitude towards you and your sister. Even though deep down you know you should give him more understanding and acceptance, it is difficult for you to do so emotionally.

The manner in which an individual is treated influences their subsequent behavior towards themselves and others. It is not possible for an individual to provide to others what they themselves do not possess. It is important to recognize that it is not possible to fully emotionally accept and understand one's father at this time, and also to accept that one's father did not raise one in the manner one expected.

Due to the absence of affection and love during their upbringing, both parties lack the capacity to reciprocate the paternal and filial love, respectively. However, this does not imply the absence of love between them. Instead, they exhibit a profound attachment and love in ways that cause distress to each other. Fortunately, they have become aware of their experiences, allowing them to address the negative intergenerational transmission patterns within their family through personal growth and self-awareness. This can facilitate the repair and healing of past wounds, enabling a more harmonious relationship with their loved ones.

It would be beneficial to express the harm done to your body and mind by your father's lack of understanding, respect, rejection, dislike, and more emotional indifference and insensitivity since you were young. This can be achieved by providing him with a copy of this letter. Additionally, it would be advantageous to convey your ideal of a good father, that is, what you desire your father to do in order to feel his deep love, respect, understanding, and support. It is also important to express your admiration, respect, and veneration for your father, who was rejected and disowned by your family because you were sick since childhood. However, he fought against his fate with his indomitable vitality and courageously pursued his own happiness in life, thereby providing you with a healthy and loving family.

It is recommended that you express your profound affection for your father in a courageous manner. This undertaking is not merely a means of attempting to reconcile with your father; it is also an effective method for you to articulate and release the sentiments of unlove that you have experienced when you were not comprehended, respected, accepted, affirmed, or supported by your father.

It is recommended that the letter be presented to the father on his birthday or on another day deemed appropriate. If feasible, reading the letter aloud to the father would be an optimal approach.

It is evident that your father requires your assistance, that he holds you in high regard, and that you hold him in similarly high regard. Therefore, it would be prudent to commence with yourself, to take the initiative, and to express your love for your father in a courageous manner. You may wish to consider seeking assistance from your mother, preparing a meal for your father in collaboration with your mother and sister, and initially expressing your love for your father in a manner that you are comfortable with. It is likely that your father will be aware of your feelings.

It is this author's recommendation that the reader peruse the following texts: "Feel the Love," "We've All Been Hurt, But We've All Had Better Lives," and "Light Healing."

It is my hope that the information I have provided will offer you some degree of support and assistance.

Hello!

I just wanted to give you a hug. If a child has never received love from their father, they'll also be unable to respond to their father's love because they haven't felt it and learned to perceive and express it correctly. At the same time, if parents always use demanding and harsh treatment of their children to satisfy their own needs, the child will re-experience the pain they felt in their childhood. The painful memories will affect their emotions because the wounds haven't healed.

I know some people feel like they have a strong bond with their fathers, but I feel more like I have a strong dislike for mine. How can I let go of this negative feeling?

It's clear from the questioner's feelings that he never got the support and encouragement he needed from his parents. This makes it difficult for him to grow up with confidence. It's hard for parents to understand the harm they cause their children, but they should try to see it. Once they do, the children will be able to relax and stop doubting.

To rebuild the relationship, parents also need to communicate with their children correctly and express their love. This helps make up for the love that is absent from the parents, so that the problems between them will not be repeated. The child will be able to open up to themselves, express their true feelings, start to invest in emotions, and rebuild a trusting relationship.

How can I get along with a father who seems unapproachable?

1. Take a deep breath, calm down, and think about what you're feeling.

It can be tough to grasp that a child's dislike of their dad is often a result of years of feeling unappreciated, mistreated, and lacking in love and respect. By the time they reach adulthood, if they're still influenced by their father, it can be challenging to heal the emotional wounds. They might also find it tough to build self-confidence in life and intimate relationships.

We can also see from the role of the father that not every father can be a "perfect father." Some fathers not only fail to protect their children and safeguard them, but instead become stumbling blocks that hinder their children's development. They continue to pull their children in different directions, increasing their inner pain. The father lives in his own world and is always demanding. Perhaps he has also made sacrifices and paid his dues, working hard for a better life, but the influence he has on his children is more negative. This will have a very negative effect on the child's growth and development. The father needs to re-examine their own behavior towards their children, whether it is correct, and reflect on themselves. It is possible to truly let such a tug-of-war relationship break off.

2. Keep your independence, work on your personality, and get help from others when you need it.

Why do children feel hatred towards their fathers? It's not as simple as saying that this hatred is born out of love. Instead, we should consider that a child who has always lacked a sense of security is faced with a harsh father. Their heart is full of pain and hurt. How can they love someone who hurts them? It's unlikely that they're deliberately showing hatred because they want their father's love.

Until she's able to heal her inner wounds and improve her mindset, it'll be tough for her to meet her emotional needs. Kids who are truly loved can face life's challenges with courage because they're not held back by fear.

3. Listen to your heart, make peace with yourself and with life. Forgiving your father doesn't mean you have to accept what he did.

The questioner's question, "hate" the father, but education does not allow, shows that they've been holding on to a lot of pain for a long time. People who have experienced pain will not try to experience repetitive painful experiences again, but will instinctively keep their distance to avoid being hurt again. For the father, the father owes his daughter a complete analysis. Perhaps if he really establishes communication with his father, the father may not be able to express it completely, but as long as he is willing to sincerely apologize for the harm he has caused unintentionally or intentionally, then he can let go of the past, not dwell on it, forgive the past, and let go of himself, and choose to start his life again. We don't always need to achieve fulfillment through self-harm or compromise, but we can use respect for our hearts and listen to our inner thoughts to make the most authentic choice. This has nothing to do with morality or ethics, but with the transformation and growth of my life.

When Father's Day comes around again, you won't be envious of others. You'll be sending your dad well wishes, even if he wasn't the best father. Sending blessings will help you move on from your dad and focus on the present.

Best of luck, and keep at it!

Hello! I see your struggles and how you've overcome them.

You seem clear-headed. You just need support and affirmation. I hope I can help.

No education is free from anger, but this is not angry.

Education makes us more ethical and aware of our rights. We all have boundaries, and there are some things we won't accept. This is not wrong unless it goes against morality. When someone ignores our boundaries, we have the right to express our anger.

If your father blames you for everything and you don't have anyone to turn to, you have the right to be angry. You can tell him how angry you are and how you've tried to be something you're not for him.

I support you.

Set boundaries without being unkind to yourself.

Past experiences are in the past. No matter how much they have hurt you, you can change their impact. If you were once unable to say "no" to unreasonable demands, now is the time to "detach" from the past, to be serious about being yourself, and to protect your boundaries.

If you were a stranger, would you hug your father? He repeated what he learned and was even harsher with his kids. Can you understand him?

Can't you hate him?

You have to accept your imperfect father and past. Letting go of hatred doesn't mean forgiving him, but it does mean sparing yourself.

You must repay your upbringing, but not at the expense of your dignity. Your father may have treated you wrongly. Treat others as you would like to be treated.

To avoid harming yourself, protect yourself.

Let go of the bad and focus on the good.

You have achieved self-redemption through your own efforts and by seeking professional psychological counseling. So cherish this achievement and say goodbye to the bad things that were once part of your life. Focus on making the present relatively stable and sustainable. You also know that there may be storms in the future, and you need to be prepared, especially mentally.

Your weaknesses will become your strengths.

The world loves and supports you!

Hello!

Landlord

I'm Zeng Chen, a heart coach. I've read your post and I can see you hate your father.

You have also courageously faced yourself and sought help, which will help you understand and recognize yourself and your father. This will help you adjust and make life easier.

Next, I will share my thoughts, which may help you see things differently.

1. Hate.

Your father has harmed you, and you hate him. But our culture doesn't allow hate.

This seems difficult. Let's look at what we can do.

We can allow hate.

Let hate flow, don't repress it. Hate exists.

It's okay to hate. It doesn't mean you have to hurt your father.

We can hate and express our hatred in a reasonable way. For example, we can write down what our father has done to us, our hatred for our father, and what we want to say to our father.

We can express our emotions in a reasonable way to make them go away. When we get rid of the hatred in our hearts, we can feel happier.

We can hate and express our hatred reasonably without hurting our father.

Our thoughts are just thoughts, not facts. We fear our thoughts because we think they're facts and they might hurt our father.

But thoughts don't always equal actions, and actions don't always equal facts.

We have expressed our emotions and written about them without hurting our father.

You can't give someone what they don't have.

The post mentioned that the poster's father was lacking in love. From a psychological point of view, if children don't get the love they need, they'll always seek it.

Dad didn't learn to love himself or be happy.

He has always been unloved. If he doesn't love himself, how can he love you? He doesn't like himself and can't change, so he may try to get you to love him to prove he's worthy.

My father just satisfied his own needs.

He didn't get enough love, so he doesn't know how to love you. He has a lot of insecurities and fears, and he doesn't know how to deal with them, so he takes control.

Dad's generation didn't have the same conveniences as we do. They can't learn a lot of knowledge at once. They are just ordinary people, and there will be times when they feel powerless.

This is not about asking Dad to change. It's about understanding him better, which might make it easier to forgive him.

3. Learn to reconcile.

Reconciliation is not about making up.

We realize we need to take responsibility for ourselves. We are grown up and can take responsibility for ourselves.

And stop complaining about Dad.

Reconciliation is about doing it for ourselves. If we are full of hatred and complaints, we cannot be happy.

Reconciliation is for your future self.

If you can't reconcile, accept that you can't.

4. Find the good in bad experiences.

The post mentions your father's unyielding spirit. It has influenced you.

The owner's success may not be possible without this quality. Despite suffering, you can see the positive side of a bad experience.

The host has endured a lot of pain, which has also made you stronger. It has made you think and learn.

These qualities will help you on your journey. There are two sides to everything. Look at the positive side.

I hope these help and inspire you.

I had my heart set on studying music, but he said, "Why bother with that? You're not particularly skilled in science." I was eager to learn calligraphy, but he said, "It's not a practical pursuit. Many teachers are simply looking to make a profit." I was interested in studying law, but he said, "Your cousin invested a great deal of time and effort, yet she still struggles to find employment in the field." He often discouraged me from pursuing various avenues, and in hindsight, I realize he limited my potential.

He did say that if I couldn't even do such a simple science question, I was worthless and not worth a single penny. I must admit, though, that I really wasn't good at science.

He had some challenges during his time in junior high school and college. After graduating from college, he was still developing his skills.

In hindsight, I believe I may have experienced some challenges with my mental health during the transition from junior high to high school. I had limited social support, struggled with academic performance, faced financial constraints, and lacked adequate clothing for warmth.

However, he instilled in me the invaluable quality of perseverance. After graduating from university, he was in a challenging financial situation, and his parents were not able to provide much support. He relied on the income from his part-time jobs while studying to make ends meet until he received his first salary after starting work.

Parents can be a complex bunch. They often prioritize saving and investing, but when they experience success, they may begin to share their experiences and offer guidance. They may also express expectations for financial contributions from their children. It's not uncommon for parents to inquire about their children's well-being and challenges.

Perhaps he was in a hurry to reap the rewards.

Later, as their work improved, they were pleased and expressed happiness. Later, when they reached marriageable age, they sought a partner whose parents had experienced financial challenges due to gambling and who would be open to the idea of their son becoming a son-in-law.

My boyfriend at the time was very outstanding, so I respected him. They expressed their concerns: "Your sister married far away (an hour's drive), and if you marry far away (three hours' drive), we'll be too old to even drink from the same cup. How unfortunate." My boyfriend had his own ideals for life.

We ended our relationship and I returned to the county seat. In an effort to make them feel at ease, I was perhaps a bit naive in thinking that it was not having money that would make them feel at ease.

Subsequently, I embarked on an entrepreneurial venture that proved both successful and unsuccessful. After 19 years of natural disasters, I found myself in a situation where I had to relinquish all my belongings, including my last reliable vehicle. My family members expressed their disappointment. During that period, regardless of what I said or did, I was met with disapproval. In comparison, my sister enjoyed a relatively comfortable lifestyle. In my eyes, I was even less fortunate than her.

For three years, they treated me with disdain, using every means to torment me, telling everyone around them what a mess I was in, and even outsiders, because they took their side, came to argue with me at home. They never gave me a chance to explain, and everything was my fault, for being unambitious and having no money!

I wonder if perhaps all the things I did for them over the years might not have happened. It's even colder than it is outside!

Over a period of three years, I experienced a challenging time dealing with severe depression and bipolar disorder. However, I am grateful to have had the opportunity to receive continuous psychological counseling and to have engaged in continuous learning, which helped me to gradually overcome these difficulties. With the support of my loved ones, I have been able to rebuild my life, and I am happy to say that my business is now thriving. I have also been able to purchase a nice car and to move away from my original family environment, which has allowed me to gradually heal from the wounds I sustained.

On Father's Day and Mother's Day, I am always struck by the gratitude children express towards their parents. It makes me wonder if there might be a way for me to contribute to the family in a different way, despite the way I am currently treated. I am concerned about the potential consequences of another business failure on my relationship with my in-laws.

I'm afraid I'm too sad to write anymore.

Hello! I'm Tanghua.

You share a conflicting love with your father.

It made a big impression on me.

I also hated my father. He said he would buy me a TV when I started first grade, but he never did. He was also very short-tempered. I didn't like him when I was young. But after I left the mountains and came to the city to go to school, he would find ways to earn money to pay for my and my younger brother's schooling. I slowly began to understand: the people we hate may actually be expressing their love in ways we don't understand.

He supported me, so I am who I am today. If he hadn't, I would have married young like my friends.

If you hate your father, it's possible he was just trying to love you in a way you didn't like. He was also a child who lacked love and had no way to give it.

I understand your hatred because I have experienced it too.

My advice:

You can learn about psychology, love yourself, fill yourself with love, and enhance your happiness. It is also a way to help yourself reconcile with your father. I keep a gratitude journal.

2. Read about thinking patterns because misunderstandings are often due to misconceptions.

Read more classic books, like those by Confucius, Mencius, and Zhuangzi. You'll see that your experiences aren't that bad. The environment we live in now is relatively peaceful.

Go out, see the world. You'll find there's a lot to do and you won't be plagued by negative emotions.

Meditate to accept your emotions and feel less depressed.

I hope this helps.

Good morning, host.

My name is Li Xuan, and I work as a psychological counselor.

I have read your words over and over again, and I am so impressed by how much you have grown over the years. I would love to know what has supported you all this time.

It seems that you may have lacked sufficient love and support during your childhood. It's possible that you weren't encouraged to pursue your interests and hobbies, and that you didn't receive the care and attention you needed when life and work presented challenges. It's also possible that your relationships were affected by these circumstances, and that you experienced difficulties after your business venture didn't succeed. These experiences are undoubtedly difficult to navigate.

I admire your courage as well. On this special day of Father's Day, you recalled these hurts and sought help on the platform. I commend you for your courage.

You describe how your father was unsupportive and disapproving. At the same time, I can see that you have analyzed your father's family of origin, the need to please his parents, the need to learn from your older brother, and the need to take care of your younger sister to show your identity as an older brother.

It's a challenging situation, isn't it? My father didn't receive love as a child, and then he didn't learn, and he followed the same pattern with you.

We can't choose our origins, and it's understandable to feel negative emotions towards our fathers. It's important to recognize that we may have had unmet needs for care, love, and support from our fathers. It's also possible that our fathers may have struggled with their own challenges in providing these needs.

My dear, now that we're grown up, you have the opportunity to reflect on the reasons for your father's way of being, thanks to your constant learning and your inborn unwillingness to give up.

Perhaps we can try to find peace with ourselves. I was hurt, but I was able to overcome it through my own efforts. I grew up, and the wounds have healed.

We hope that you will soon find a way to overcome this difficult time. Please know that we are here for you and will always be by your side.

Good day, question asker.

This is the longest question I've ever had the privilege of reading. Rather than posing a question, it seems more like an expression. Life presents us with many challenges, as well as the love and support of friends and family. However, it can often feel as though there are few people with whom we can truly and openly share our thoughts.

It can be challenging to serve as a manager for an extended period. Many young women desire unconditional love and care from their parents. However, the question asker experienced neglect and indifference.

The questioner's description of her father is quite detailed, which suggests a close relationship. It seems that the primary expectation is for you to provide tangible benefits to the family, which is a valuable contribution. While you understand and sympathize with your father, it may be challenging to forgive him fully. It seems that you have never received that warmth from within, and it may be difficult to give it.

After becoming an adult, the questioner demonstrated resilience in overcoming setbacks, whether related to her career or to the challenges she faced mentally and physically. It was evident that she possessed a remarkable strength of character and was committed to pursuing her own path with determination.

I believe this process is not easy for many people to understand, as it involves feelings of sadness, loneliness, grievance, and disappointment.

At the same time, I perceive a beautiful, determined individual, writing and forging her own unique path. She is an admirable young woman, a capable and intelligent entrepreneur.

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It appears that the questioner is capable of finding the answers she seeks on her own. Perhaps the best we can do is to provide a supportive presence and allow her the space to process her thoughts and feelings.

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I wish you the best of luck!

Hello, question asker! I can clearly see the love-hate conflict and emotional contradiction within you.

The original family has a very strong influence on a person. The nurturer transfers their belief system to us subconsciously while raising us.

The words they said, whether intentionally or not, their attitudes and ways of dealing with others, and their various visible and invisible behaviors, emotions, and views, all weave an invisible web. This web forms our initial model for perceiving the world and ourselves, creating a kind of underlying tone for our lives. How our caregivers treated the world and us shapes our perception of the world and ourselves. In the future, the decisions we make again and again come from this background of "self," which ultimately shapes the trajectory of our lives.

Our parents were also children, and so were their parents. We cannot keep going back. Even saints cannot raise children without any psychological trauma.

First, understand that learning about the influence of one's family of origin on one's growth is not about blaming the family of origin for all one's problems or regarding oneself as a weak victim. It's about helping oneself release the self-confidence and strength that was sealed away in childhood.

We must take action to rectify the damage caused by blaming our parents and complaining about a lack of love in our childhood.

First, learn to reconcile with your parents.

We must understand that we cannot really get to the bottom of things.

We cannot really get to the bottom of things. We must stop looking for someone to blame and start changing ourselves. We need to stop the negative influence being passed on from generation to generation and to our children.

If we don't deal with our past, we will unknowingly let this immature self repeat the past with our children.

Second realization: Childhood wounds are inevitable. No parent would ever intentionally hurt their child; they are simply unaware of their own emotional undertones.

Third realization: We often think we're breaking free from our parents' influence, but we're really just continuing it.

Try the following methods:

(1) Recognition and acceptance: You must recognize the psychological damage caused by the unfair treatment you experienced in childhood and accept the facts of what happened.

Tell yourself, "I see you. I know you felt aggrieved and unappreciated. It's okay. Don't be afraid. I'll be with you. I value you."

(2) Understand and forgive. Our parents were also children, and they are not perfect. However, we can use our grown-up, mature selves to re-examine our relationship with them.

Know this: You can gain valuable capital from your childhood, regardless of whether it was difficult or happy.

(3) Finally, let go. Reconciliation is not about making up, but about not feeling resentment, grievance, anger, or tears of grievance when you think about your family or your parents.

The so-called parent-child relationship simply means that your destiny with him is to keep seeing his back recede into the distance in this life. You stand at one end of the path, watching him disappear around the bend. He silently tells you in the background that there is no need to chase. Parent and child is just a practice of growing apart and cherishing the time together.

Second, you must learn to reconcile with yourself.

Second, you must learn to reconcile with yourself.

Ultimately, as adults, we must reconcile ourselves with ourselves. Our family of origin gives us our initial level, but at every critical moment, we must be the "observer" who jumps in to see if we are trapped in certain beliefs given to us by our family of origin, forming some fixed patterns. We can rewrite our own script by becoming aware of this, making new choices at that moment, and stepping out of our past instinctive responses to upgrade ourselves to a new version.

Try the following exercises:

1. Be self-aware in life.

(1) Emotional awareness:

When an emotion arises, acknowledge it. See it.

② Identify your expectations and the feelings behind the emotion. "I expect ******, and ******* makes me feel *******, feeling *******."

③ Ask yourself where this deeper feeling comes from. You know where. Recite when you first felt this similar feeling.

I want to know when you first became concerned about such things.

"This feeling comes from **. At the beginning, it was because *** made me feel ***. I have been paying special attention to such things since ***."

④ Spend some time with your feelings and tell them, "I see you. I know you feel this way. It's okay. Don't be afraid. I'm here with you. I love you."

I am in control of my feelings and I know what I want.

(2) Behavior patterns:

(2) Behavior patterns:

We can choose to withdraw, lose our temper, or go silent and cold. At every choice, we can look inward, observe ourselves, filter more, and cultivate. We must maintain continuous awareness in our lives. Change truly happens when we look clearly at ourselves in each moment.

2. Once you're aware, you can choose to continue with the old pattern or make a new one. You have the power to change your life trajectory at any time. Every choice, big or small, shapes your destiny.

Fatherly love matures without knowing the meaning. You only know the taste once you first wake up!

My father left me 14 years ago, and when I was young, I also had a lot of misunderstandings and complaints about him. I've moved on. I don't want to hear him nag or scold me.

You can't change others, but you can change yourself. Get out of this mess soon!

Good morning, my name is Fuchen.

There is an old adage that goes as follows: Chinese parents spend their entire lives waiting for their children to express gratitude, while Chinese children spend their entire lives waiting for their parents to apologize. The complex emotions between parents and children are evident in the questioner's question. On the one hand, there is a deep understanding and compassion for your father's family of origin and upbringing, as well as a recognition of your father's inner need for love and recognition from his parents. On the other hand, your father's unresolved "childhood trauma" is causing you to experience a form of "re-traumatization" in your childhood, which has led to your pursuit of a career in science, despite your lack of recognition of your true interests, and the imposition of unrealistic expectations. This has resulted in feelings of resentment towards your father, which have become a significant challenge for you due to the limitations imposed by your upbringing.

It is also important to recognise that behind this emotion of resentment is a need for change. This need for change may be related to a desire for a change in the way we interact with others, or a desire for a change in the current situation.

Our thinking is often limited in certain ways, which can lead to an exaggerated perception of problems. When we view problems in this manner, we may fail to recognize the positive aspects or the resources we possess. It can be challenging to identify a solution on our own. Our emotional responses may be constrained, which can hinder our ability to move forward. We can ask ourselves, "Did I also benefit from my father's encouragement to pursue a career in science?"

While his expectations were not realistic, they also prompted me to raise my own standards, which has allowed me to develop more quickly. If my father and the rest of my family do not change, can I not change myself?

Is my future destined to mirror that of my father? Despite the challenges my family of origin has presented, I am seeking alternative avenues to support myself.

The reason a problem is perceived as problematic is that there is no unified standard. When you can fully see the truth and accept that your father, including the pain he caused you, is an essential part of who you are now, and then find the positive side of the negative problem, you may find that the problem seems to still be there, but you don't feel bothered.

It is common for individuals to prioritize outcomes over processes. When we or others fail to achieve an outcome, we tend to become discouraged and overlook the efforts invested. However, these efforts may offer insights into potential solutions. The fact that the questioner has sought guidance from Yi Xinli indicates that you are actively engaged in the process.

Furthermore, it would be beneficial to consider whether my father attempted to implement changes in his own way regarding this matter. Despite my failure to meet his expectations, it would be constructive to ascertain whether he also demonstrated an ability to accept the circumstances.

He had a bias against reading, but when I read, he also demonstrated his approval through his actions. All these details that are often overlooked are also indications of the father's efforts.

Our father never had the opportunity to gain this understanding during his own childhood. He can only gradually learn and try through interactions with his children and feedback from others. We must believe that our father has already done his best within his abilities. The source of our hurt is not that he is unwilling, but that his current abilities prevent him from doing so.

If we consider the situation from a different angle, we will be more understanding because we will have a better grasp of the situation. We will then attempt to modify the elements that can be modified and accept those that cannot be changed.

I hope this message finds you well. On behalf of myself and the entire company, I would like to extend our best wishes to you.

Your story reminded me of my father. I want to share it with you.

I didn't grow up close to my father. He never hugged me and we didn't talk much. When I grew up, he was cold towards me.

I tried to get close to him. I called him, but he said he was busy and would only speak to my mother. When he came home, he didn't talk much to me. If I talked to him, he would only answer one or two sentences.

He didn't talk to me much. We didn't have a close relationship. I felt cold at heart and didn't want to be his daughter. I even hated him. I was more respectful and sensible than my eldest sister, but he liked her more.

This stayed with me until my grandmother died.

Grandma was not buried next to grandpa. She said that she was bullied by grandpa when she was alive, and that she wanted to stay away from him after she died. I was stunned. Grandma and grandpa had six children, but when it came time to arrange their own affairs, she chose to stay away from grandpa. How much hatred did they have for each other?

I asked my mother, and she said that when my grandmother was young, she was often beaten and scolded by my grandfather. My grandfather had a short temper, and my grandmother was afraid of him.

My mother's description made me think of my father as a child. He was second in line, unloved by my mother, and in a poor relationship with my father.

I felt sorry for my father. I could see how his family life made him the way he is.

He didn't get love from his parents, so he doesn't know how to love his kids.

I remember when I was a child, someone in the village wanted my parents to adopt me, but they didn't agree. My father still worked hard to send me to college, even though men were valued over women in that village.

My father didn't know how to express his love for me. He treated my sister and me differently because we have different personalities.

I believe he loves me.

Our fathers may have flaws because of their families. They may favor sons over daughters, be stubborn, silent, short-tempered, or mean. They are not perfect, but they are also innocent because they learned from their parents how to get along with their children.

They may not seem to love their children, but they just don't know how to express love.

From your description, you have devoted a great deal of space to your father's original family. It seems like you can see a submissive boy who tries to please everyone to survive.

He longed for his parents' approval and love throughout his adult life.

He didn't learn from his own upbringing. He copied how his parents treated him with his own children, and you were hurt.

But today I want to tell you that his limited education held him back. You mentioned that your education didn't allow for it either.

I assume you have a high level of education, much higher than your father.

I'm not saying you should be nice to your father and not argue with him. What I'm saying is that we can change what he can't.

We analyze our family of origin to grow better. We learn to see the bad traits we inherited from our father and change them so we don't live like him.

I have one last piece of advice for you.

1. Tell your father how you really feel. We may think our father is unkind and doesn't understand us.

Maybe your father knows what he thinks but doesn't know how to say it. Or maybe he's not sincere. But today we can express ourselves better than our fathers did.

You don't like it when your father is too dominant, has high expectations of you, and interferes in your life. Then tell him your thoughts. When you communicate with your father often, he will admit that you have grown up.

2. Separate your issues from your father's. You hate your father because he interferes too much, puts you under a lot of pressure, forces you to study science, and objects to you reading.

Your father can't tell the difference between his issues and yours. You can try to separate them and tell yourself, "Your thoughts are just your thoughts, not mine."

I can listen, but I have my own ideas. If you don't agree with your father, you won't be angry.

3. Be your own father. We can be happy even if we have complaints about our fathers.

Everyone can be their own inner parent after they grow up. What kind of father do you have in mind?

If our real fathers cannot satisfy us, we can satisfy ourselves with our inner parents.

You don't need your father's approval. You can do things on your own. If he doesn't like you reading, ignore him. He can't stop you. You can still learn music without him. If you want to, you can go to college or teach yourself.

Your inner father can help you even if your real father tries to stop you.

Good luck! I'm Luo Meiman, a counselor. The world and I love you!

I am Gu Yi, and I endeavor to conduct myself with humility and consistency.

It is evident that a lack of love can give rise to hatred.

After reading your description, I empathize with the challenges you have faced. If we acknowledge that our past experiences have limited our ability to choose how we interact with our family, it is crucial to recognize that our current circumstances offer a unique opportunity to shape our relationship with our original family. Fortunately, we have begun to exercise greater agency and autonomy in our lives.

The subject expresses hatred towards his father, citing the latter's role as a "dog-headed advisor" in his upbringing. The father is perceived to have provided no substantial guidance, but rather obstructive and misguided counsel, which has led to profound doubt regarding the father's genuine affection. Consequently, the subject experiences a sense of incongruence when confronted with the prevailing sentiments of gratitude for fathers on social media platforms during Father's Day.

The individual experiences a sense of emotional distress and begins to question and feel resentful. This can lead to feelings of injustice, as they perceive that others are able to enjoy positive experiences while they themselves are unable to do so. The individual may desire to express their emotions in a similar manner to their friends, but the long-standing resentments prevent them from doing so. However, if there is no love present in the heart, it is difficult to develop hatred.

It is essential to reconcile with the love that one desires in one's heart.

It is reasonable to expect that one's parents will acknowledge and treat their children fairly. However, this is not always the case. The suffering experienced at school, the embarrassment felt when starting a new job, the helplessness following the failure of a business, and the difficulties encountered when in a difficult situation are often overlooked. This can lead to psychological imbalance. It appears that there is a tendency to focus on achievements, rather than on the challenges and difficulties faced by individuals.

The desire to be loved and cared for is a fundamental aspect of human nature and an essential emotional need. Consequently, when we engage in introspection, it is crucial to acknowledge that we may still harbor feelings of love for our parents, despite their potential shortcomings in providing warmth and affection. Our parents' role in giving us life and providing a sense of security and belonging is irreplaceable. Even when they are no longer present, we may still perceive a sense of home and comfort in their memory.

As a result, individuals tend to exhibit a conflicted and introverted nature, displaying particular tact and reserve when expressing their emotions. Upon reflection, the wounds of one's own family of origin become apparent, and in forming future families, it is possible to avoid similar issues.

All individuals are novices in both human and parental roles. While initial intentions may be similar, subsequent actions may diverge due to varying abilities, environmental factors, cognitive processes, and other influences. Fortunately, contemporary society offers a multitude of options. It is encouraging to note that individuals can still maintain their authentic selves and cultivate self-love.

Sincerely,