I have some concerns. Should I consider getting married with my boyfriend?

Hello, I hope my answer helps.

Marriage requires more consideration. Understand your own patterns and the other person's. See if you can meet each other's needs and give each other support and understanding. Marriage is not the same as love. It needs to be based on love, but to have a long-lasting, stable relationship, you also need to learn how to manage and maintain it.

My advice is:

Understand yourself.

You feel insecure in relationships because of your upbringing. Your mother's first marriage failed because the man was abusive and a gambler. You worry about encountering a similar marriage. This makes us care more about and be more sensitive to words like "beat." In relationships, we are concerned about the other person's attitude.

This is normal. We need to understand our upbringing and see our own insecurities in relationships.

It's okay to relax. Just because your mother was in a violent marriage doesn't mean you will be too. She's happy now, and you can be too. You can have a happy relationship.

2. Understand the other person.

Everyone's patterns are formed by their own experiences, environment, and background. A person's patterns in relationships are usually influenced by their parents. You can observe how his parents get along. If his father is prone to threatening his mother, you can understand why he does it.

He may not know there are better ways to deal with his emotions. This is part of his growth.

If you're willing to keep working on it, you can grow together. In a relationship, both people need to communicate better. Through effective communication, you can grow and heal each other's childhood traumas.

3. Good communication helps relationships grow.

In a relationship, arguing about superficial behaviors doesn't help. Effective communication requires a deep connection and the expression of each other's inner needs. Only in a relationship can you meet each other's needs and keep your relationship harmonious and stable.

What does he want to say when he says "I'll smack you if you don't believe me"? People who express their emotions through actions don't know how to express themselves verbally. If they can express themselves verbally, they won't express their emotions through actions.

I suggest you communicate more verbally. For effective communication, choose a relaxed atmosphere and don't communicate in the heat of the moment. Remain objective and don't judge or blame.

Choose a time when you are both in a good mood, such as when you are shopping or having dinner, to express your feelings and needs. For example, you can say, "When you were angry, you said you would hit me. I was worried, scared, and a little angry. I care about your love for me. In the future, when you are angry, can we go our separate ways and talk again when we have calmed down?"

Listen to his feelings, needs, and expectations of you. When he expresses his feelings, his emotions won't become agitated.

You can also make a plan: when you get emotional, find a "safe corner" for each of you, go to your own "safe corner" to calm down, and then communicate properly when you're calm.

Study the books Managing Intimacy, Embracing Your Inner Child, Nonviolent Communication, and Crucial Conversations together.

This is just a suggestion. I hope you're happy!

Dear, I know you love your boyfriend, but you need to be honest with yourself. You need to understand that he may not be the right man for you. You deserve better.

In marriage, right and wrong are compared to feelings, and feelings are often more important in real life. Therefore, I advise you not to discuss right and wrong, but to start from real life for reference.

In today's marriages, men and women are basically independent, at least financially, before marriage. There is no dependency. Our marriage is about pursuing a quality of life that leads to happiness. We focus on personal feelings first.

It is crucial to eliminate as much uncertainty as possible before marriage. This means confirming or disproving assumptions. It is best to enter into marriage with anticipation and longing, rather than relying on the comfort and persuasion of others. Then, you can use your own observations to confirm the distance between facts and assumptions or theories.

The hostess said it herself: her boyfriend planned the engagement and marriage, and she feels the relationship is stable.

It is essential to take the hostess's concerns and worries seriously for a period of time.

People's personalities and ways of expressing themselves do not suddenly change. While there is a chance that the boyfriend's refusal and avoidance of communication requests can be improved, it is not easy. It is not an empty sound that it is easy to change the mountains and rivers. It is difficult to change one's nature.

It is also important to carefully observe and rule out any tendencies towards violence when he is emotionally agitated. You should therefore try to confirm these doubts before making a final decision.

You mustn't ignore your own sense of security. The original family of the host determines the host's emphasis on a sense of security. You mustn't ignore your own inner needs. You must be completely reassured otherwise, or you will have a negative perception if similar physical contact occurs after marriage. This will trigger variables.

This is related to the original perception in psychology. When something similar happens, the sensitivity to danger and the destructive power will multiply like a cup that bends the shadow of a bow.

I made a point of stating at the outset that marriage is about feelings, not right and wrong.

Hello!

A pat on the shoulder!

Intimate relationships are essentially relationships with oneself. This is great news! It means that both people entering an intimate relationship need to first become mature individuals who are responsible for their own emotions. Once they do, their relationship will form a positive cycle, and they can support and inspire each other when problems arise, ushering in real growth for each other.

It's evident that after two years together, the boyfriend, eager to tie the knot, is not yet mentally prepared for marriage. He's currently under the impression that after two years of dating, it's time to tie the knot. But how much does he really know about marriage?

Are you ready to take on more responsibilities in your role? He may not be aware of the problem, so it's up to you to help him see it!

Otherwise, every time he gets emotional, he will subconsciously say things like "I'll hit you if you don't believe me," which are more like threats and limit-setting words to cushion himself. On an emotional level, he is not an emotionally mature person, so he is unable to control his emotions, and his behavior changes with his emotions. But here's the good news! He can learn to control his emotions and change his behavior.

Let's dive into the fascinating world of emotional intelligence! Why does my boyfriend get emotional and act impulsively? Looking back, the first reason is his upbringing: in his family of origin, the relationship between his parents and his relationship with his parents were not healthy. When problems arose, he would resort to negative and aggressive behavior to solve them. Naturally, his child would learn to solve problems in this way. But part of him knows that "hitting" is a violent act, and he struggles with himself internally. This part of his emotions has never been noticed by himself, so the problem has not been fundamentally solved. Secondly, it may be due to the existing environmental influences, such as pressure, which can easily lead to emotional imbalance and the need for catharsis. Negative behaviors such as violence are used to relieve emotions.

The other person in your relationship can learn to guide it in the right direction! All you have to do is avoid provoking them, and they'll calm down in no time.

The questioner's family is divorced, but that doesn't mean the relationship is unhealthy! It just means that the desire for a perfect family is there, and expectations for the other half are high. But it also means that the other half's faults will increase the sense of disappointment. Entering into a marriage relationship is an exciting step! But if the questioner is faced with a situation where their ability to control their emotions is not mature, they might worry and become more anxious. The good news is that they can promptly relieve their emotions and use positive and constructive methods to alleviate problems. They can guide the family energy in a positive direction, rather than using negative methods such as revenge, suppression, or control. This is the way to maintain a healthy and long-lasting marriage relationship!

So, in this current situation, whether it's the boyfriend who tends to get emotional or the questioner who could use some problem-solving tips, it might not be the best idea to jump into marriage right away. But don't worry! Both parties just need to work through the issue together before they can move on to the exciting next stage of marriage.

Both parties learn to establish communication, which is great!

The boyfriend is not used to facing his own problems, so he refuses to communicate. The questioner is eager to solve the problem, so he focuses on expressing his feelings. It may seem that there is no communication problem, but in fact both sides are only communicating about themselves, which is a great opportunity for growth! While it may seem like a one-way communication, it can be transformed into a dialogue where both parties can learn and grow together.

For example:

Man: I'd love to have a little more freedom!

Woman: I'm saying this because I'm excited to tell you about some issues that I think we can work on together!

During the conversation, the man expressed his desire for more control, and the woman did not listen. The woman expressed her anxiety about life, but her boyfriend, who did not have a long-term perspective, was unable to discover the problem in time, so he just expressed his inner grievances willfully.

Genuine communication is all about listening and responding. It's an interactive exchange of ideas between two people, and it's a great way to connect. Let's try it!

Man: "I need a little space, your interference makes me feel controlled" (express feelings and needs in a timely manner)

Woman: "I'm so excited to talk to you about our current life situation! I'd love to hear your thoughts on how I can feel more in control and supported in this journey we're on together."

It's time to learn how to get along in an intimate relationship! You can do it by respecting and understanding each other.

If you're looking for a relationship that's just about fulfilling a task or a superficial ritual, and you want to do things your own way and only care about your own feelings after marriage, then why not just go it alone? It would be much simpler to come alone and have fewer things to worry about!

It's so inspiring to see how building an intimate relationship isn't about forming a new family. It's about giving each other emotional value and mutual support in life! When we do this, we can truly align our goals and work together and progress together.

And love is the initial version of marriage. Before entering a more advanced marriage, you get to learn and grow together in your intimate relationship! You'll understand and care for each other, and be tolerant and understanding of each other's minor flaws. Things that touch the bottom line and principles of intimacy should be firmly excluded: such as cheating, disrespecting the other person, violence, etc. If your boyfriend doesn't understand something, you can instill new growth knowledge and help him grow! "Waiting for the rabbit" to wait for the other person to reflect on themselves is a method, but self-discipline is relatively high, so you'll have to be patient.

I'm so excited to see this problem resolved! I really hope that both parties can have a heart-to-heart talk and create a better future together.

You've got this! Stay strong and keep going!

I get it. Marriage is a big deal, and it's smart to take our time and think it through.

From what you've told me, there are three main issues that are making you think twice about getting married. One is that he tends to avoid problems. The second is that he sometimes says things that are a bit harsh when he's emotional. And the third is that his apologies after saying something harsh don't really make you feel at ease.

The main issue is that the man struggles to regulate his emotions. This makes it difficult for him to control his words in certain situations. It also makes it hard for him to admit when there are problems in the relationship or in himself. Problem-solving requires a calm attitude, but he struggles to stay calm during conversations. This makes it hard for him to find solutions. He often avoids the problem instead. Because of his lack of emotional regulation, he doesn't have much experience finding solutions calmly. When he speaks without thinking and makes a mistake, he relies on apologizing to win your forgiveness. He doesn't have the skills to come up with constructive solutions.

As the wise landlord has already found out, this is a closed loop, like a fence, that stops you having a sensible conversation and solving problems in a constructive way.

It'll take a lot of effort and determination on the man's part to remove this barrier. Since he's already engaged to be married, we can help him to a certain extent.

Have a good, thorough talk. If that's tough, suggest he write down his thoughts and post them on a psychological platform for help.

The last and most important thing to remember is that if you want to make a change, you have to recognize your own shortcomings and be willing to change. If you're not seeing results, don't be discouraged. Take a step back and think about whether ending the relationship is the best option.

I hope my answer is helpful to the person who asked the question.

Any sharing and questioning offers a limited glimpse into another person's life.

It is perhaps similar to looking through a telescope, in that we can only see what is inside the circle. It is challenging to see the full picture as it is.

It is therefore understandable that our understanding of things constructed from a partial view is inevitably mixed with our imagination. Interestingly, it is through such constant distortion and error that we have the opportunity to piece together an image that is close to the truth.

From this perspective, it could be said that every answer ultimately creates a distance between the questioner and the answer. However, this is a path that must be taken.

I hope I can address your question now.

It has been two years since you and your boyfriend have been together. He has expressed a desire to take your relationship to the next level.

I hope you will consider entering into a marital relationship.

Marriage is currently a widely accepted form of gender relationship. It is also the primary avenue that is recognized and encouraged by society.

It could be said that marriage is not just a relationship between two sexes; it is also a socio-economic relationship. In the most extreme cases, marriage can even be seen as a political alliance.

Even in marriages that might be considered ordinary, there are often a number of social and economic factors at play.

It is possible that when your boyfriend considers entering into a marital relationship with you, the two of you may have different perspectives on what this means.

It's possible that your boyfriend is thinking in terms of social status and social conventions. Many people believe that a stable relationship should enter into marriage.

It's worth noting that this idea is actually a commonly accepted one at the level of custom. If he proposed marriage because of such factors,

It seems that he is not considering whether to enter into a marriage from the level of his own emotions and feelings. This may mean that you are immediately on an emotional level.

It seems that there might be a tendency for him to avoid emotional communication. You also appear to be concerned about the possibility of domestic violence.

These could be indications of emotional uncertainty.

This lack of recognition may be a recurring challenge in your relationship. You mentioned the word "stable."

This word evokes the sentiments I associate with roles like civil servant or institution. While these positions offer a sense of stability, I find myself lacking a certain level of enthusiasm for them.

Perhaps you also have this association when you use this word. If so, it might be helpful to focus on the difficulties in emotional interaction and communication in your relationship.

I believe this is an important aspect of any relationship, whether it's a marriage or a romantic partnership.

After reading your narrative, I feel that you may be influenced by your family of origin on the one hand, and that you may lack a sense of security and confidence in your future married life. On the other hand, you are worried about whether your boyfriend has a problem with domestic violence. Therefore, I believe this exchange would benefit from focusing on analyzing three issues.

From a psychological perspective, how might we discern whether an individual is prone to domestic violence? How do people from divorced families approach future marriages? And how do people from divorced families choose a spouse?

?1. Could you kindly shed light on how one might discern, from a psychological standpoint, whether an individual may be inclined towards domestic violence?

In a family setting, it is often possible to gain insight into a person's temperament and character through their words and actions.

It is often the case that an abuser will have a particular saying or habit that is extremely offensive or unacceptable to the victim. This is a typical characteristic of domestic violence. Therefore, from a psychological perspective, it seems that there are two main factors that contribute to whether a person is prone to domestic violence: first, whether they express anger or demand that you change with this emotion; second, what is the real meaning behind their actions when they say "no" to you?

The first expression is conveyed through the words "How can you do that?" If a person uses this kind of language to communicate their inner world for a long time, we may observe two characteristics. One is a sense of expectation, such as "I should be like this" (I hope you will do what I want). The other is a tendency to express anger in a highly emotional manner.

The second expression is when a person uses the language of "I will never let this happen." In such cases, we often see two behaviors: the first is a very urgent desire to resolve the situation, and the second is being very angry or impulsive and wanting to do something.

In terms of emotions, it could be said that both expressions may indicate a tendency towards domestic violence.

?2. How might people from divorced families approach marriage in the future?

In recent times, there has been a growing trend among young people to pursue marriage and parenthood. Many view these milestones as a means to achieve the life they desire.

It would be remiss of me not to mention that the divorce of one's original family does have a certain impact on marriage.

It is possible that a broken family may cause some trauma to children, especially girls. It is also possible that if their parents divorce again, it may leave a lasting psychological impact.

It is important to remember that a person has two parents, and that divorce can be a difficult experience for children, especially girls. If their parents divorce again, it may leave a lasting psychological impact. It is therefore crucial to consider the potential challenges that may arise in a marriage before getting divorced.

It would be wise to consider how to solve the problems you may encounter after getting married before getting married.

Marriage is a journey that two people embark on together. While some couples come together because of love, it's important to recognize that some individuals may face challenges in their original families that can potentially impact their marriage.

It would be wise to consider whether you can adapt to some problems in married life before getting married.

If married life proves challenging, it may be helpful to consider alternative options.

3. How might people from divorced families approach the choice of a spouse?

In this world, everyone is unique. Everyone has their own choices and judgments, but perhaps it would be best not to choose someone we don't like or a marriage we don't like.

Each of us has the freedom to choose and emotional needs, and we can act according to our own wishes. As an adult, it is important to recognize that our original family and romantic relationships will always have an influence on us, even as we navigate the path of life.

It is important to remember that we cannot control our family of origin, but we can control how we deal with the influence it has on us. This is a well-known concept, but it is helpful to consider the five main ways in which family of origin and romantic relationships interact.

(1) It might be helpful to consider choosing someone without a family background.

It might be helpful to consider that people without family backgrounds are often less dependent on their original families and may not be as concerned about the status of their partners' parents.

It is also worth noting that there are many women at the lower end of the socioeconomic spectrum who have lost the financial support of their parents at a young age, and that obtaining this support can be challenging.

It might be challenging for a girl from a modest family to marry someone from a prominent family or a well-off boy.

(2) Consider your value.

If you feel your self-worth is low, it may be challenging to rely entirely on your family of origin to find a partner, as it can be difficult to adjust to a completely new environment.

If you're looking to cultivate a happy, healthy, positive, and optimistic life, it might be helpful to consider choosing a partner who brings a higher level of value to the relationship.

It is important to remember that nobody wants to spend their whole life with someone who is worthless.

(3) Consider whether the other person is trustworthy.

If you are with someone who doesn't love you, you may find yourself feeling uncomfortable and even abandoned.

If so, then you will undoubtedly make a good couple. After all, you have established an atmosphere of mutual respect, tolerance, and intimacy.

While we cannot change our parents, we can certainly change our attitude when spending time with the other person and the expectations we have for each other.

It would be beneficial to understand that if a person gets what they want from you, it could potentially lead to positive growth on your part.

4. It would be wise to avoid individuals who may not have the best intentions.

It is important to recognize that not all men are deserving of love, and that not all women should be treated as if they are inferior by their husbands. It is also essential to understand that love is not the only aspect of life that matters.

While it is possible to marry a person who may not be the ideal partner, it is important to avoid those who lack loyalty in a relationship and play with emotions, as this can lead to feelings of distrust and ultimately damage the relationship.

It would be wise to consider more than just the other person's appearance.

It's possible that you may have a good impression of someone because of their good looks, but it might be beneficial to consider other factors as well.

I wonder if you've ever met someone with a high appearance value who treats you well. I personally feel that a high appearance value may just be a passing fancy, but it doesn't mean that he isn't good enough.

It is possible that people with good looks may make you fall in love more easily, but if you spend a long time together and discover that your values are not that consistent, it might be helpful to think carefully about whether you really like each other.

It would be wise to consider the reasons why you like the other person and are willing to marry them from an objective perspective. This will help you determine whether these reasons really exist objectively or whether you are caught up in the blind, subjective emotions of love. Major life events require careful consideration, and it is important to make reasonable plans based on your own situation.

It is my sincere hope that through careful analysis, you will be able to find the person who is most suitable for you and enjoy a happy and blissful married life!

Hello, question asker.

I'm a healer, and I'm going to give you a big hug first. I have a few concerns. Should I think about getting married with my boyfriend?

From a psychological standpoint, human nature is inherently selfish. We're all flawed. In the context of love, there are no absolute right or wrongs. Nobody is sorry for anybody else. Typically, two people in love go from knowing each other to getting to know each other, and then to deeply understanding each other before getting married. As long as they want to give each other a sense of security, it's an inevitable process. Then, anything that happens during this process is actually a test and trial for each other. If love is considered work, then dating is the trial period, and marriage is the permanent position. If there are still misunderstandings during the permanent period, it's important to reflect on whether both parties thought it through during the trial period and whether they're ready to face the future and the responsibilities of the other person.

Everything that exists has a reason. The problems that arise in a relationship can be fixed. Why are some people unhappy after marriage? It has to do with how they got along before marriage. After all, they come from different families. It's not just about feelings, but also about integrating the family environment, culture, and problem-solving methods of both sides. It can also be said that the similarities and differences in values allow two people who seem to have no blood relationship to come together. The efforts made by both sides are inseparable, with compromise, understanding, tolerance, and also concessions. Accommodating each other to achieve a harmonious balance is what we see as a happy marriage. There is no such thing as a quiet life with many years of happiness. There is only the burden of moving forward. You either carry the burden or someone carries the burden for you.

I've been with my boyfriend for two years, and our relationship is pretty stable overall. He proposed and wants to get engaged this year and married next year, but I have some concerns. For example, he never takes the initiative to admit his mistakes and refuses to communicate, while I like to communicate and solve problems as they arise. But when I want to communicate, he says he needs to calm down and doesn't want to discuss it for now. I really resent this kind of behavior because I think that if there's a problem, you should speak up about it, and if you make a mistake, you should correct it and apologize.

From what I can tell, the boyfriend's childhood wasn't particularly happy. When you don't lack love, you'll also try to infect others with love. When you grow up in an environment with a severe lack of affirmation and love, where love is a combination of paternal and maternal love, you'll lack a sense of security during our growth process, especially the ability to respect others. Even if you're wrong, you'll avoid apologizing because you're afraid of losing face. Of course, you'll also avoid problems, and more importantly, you'll not admit that it is your own problem. When you avoid problems, you're also unwilling to take responsibility. If you look for external causes in everything, you'll remain the same after ten years. If you look for internal causes in everything, every day will be a new experience.

If you don't communicate, you're basically saying you're not open to change. If someone doesn't know how to care about other people's feelings and love them, would you expect them to change for you? That's pretty unrealistic. Acting on impulse is a deeper form of ignoring other people's existence. Now that this is already a mindset and habit, it will only get worse over time.

Sometimes when he gets emotional, he says things like, "I'll hit you if you don't believe me," which worries me a little because I come from a divorced and remarried family. My mother's first marriage failed because the man was a domestic abuser and gambled, so I have a lot of concerns about marriage. But the thing that makes me so conflicted is that even though he says things like that, after he makes a mistake, he writes me an apology and explains that he's not a domestic abuser, that he just said those things when he was angry. But is that really the case? I can't understand why someone would say those things when they're angry. Can someone explain to me what kind of psychology this is, whether I'm just overreacting or there really is a hidden danger, and how to solve this problem?

Meeting the right person is love, meeting the wrong person is youth. Nobody can guarantee that nobody will make a mistake, so you can only examine it as you go along and see how it develops. If you hesitate on the issue of marriage, it means you need to think about it carefully. Since you have to think about it, you might want to give up or have other ideas. Sometimes when we treat things that we care about, if we don't get them we will be disappointed, and if we get them we won't cherish them. We are always torn between these two mindsets, which is why our lives are so painful.

Some people have never experienced domestic violence, while others have had countless instances of it in their lives. When you bring up such issues, you're challenging your own beliefs. It's clear that you've been hurt in your relationships and that you carry the shadow of your father's domestic violence within you. It seems that your concerns are not unreasonable now, and a crisis is just a matter of time. Given your situation, I'd like to offer a few suggestions for your consideration:

I can imagine how tough it's been for you. The more you try to avoid it, the more you have to face reality and make a choice. Some things are unavoidable, and you've got to face them head-on. Whether you get remarried or not, everyone has the right to pursue happiness. If he's not the one who can make you happy, it's better to go through a short pain than a long one. There's nothing to regret. This is a prerequisite.

As a woman, I hope to find a man who can protect me and give me a sense of security, not one who scares me into submission. Although things are not yet serious, from what you have described, there is still a deep sense of inferiority in his heart. He doesn't want others to touch that sensitive nerve, and it also causes you to worry about the future. If you want to seize the opportunity, then sit down and have a good talk, open your heart, and talk things through, especially your concerns. At this time, there is nothing to hide, and if you don't fall into the abyss, it's not too late.

If we can solve a problem with distance, we'll use distance. If we can't, we'll use time. Let's give both sides time to calm down and think about what kind of partner you really want. Personality is key to getting along. Also, getting married is not just about the two of you. You'll need to discuss it with his parents. Many children's mental and behavioral problems have their roots in their parents. The problems of the original family will be brought to the new family. Then, as a member of the family, if you're willing, you'll still need to work hard for the family.

It's tough to untangle the mess, and even an honest official would have a hard time deciding family matters. You've got to follow your heart, even if it's not the best decision. You were able to see everything clearly, even though it wasn't long from dating to marriage. We've all been there, and it's tough, but we've got to face the world rationally.

Just a heads-up, these suggestions are for reference only. We're all connected in this world. Best of luck!

Hello, question asker!

I have some suggestions that I think will be helpful to you.

1. Don't be fooled by his sweet words. They're meaningless. He can say that to anyone. What matters is his actions. Look at how much he's willing to sacrifice and change for you.

2. Any behavior that makes you uncomfortable before marriage will be magnified after marriage. Based on your description, your boyfriend is emotionally unstable and has a tendency to be violent. You need to think about this carefully. If he doesn't change after three or more times, it will only get worse after marriage.

3. You should pay attention to his way of venting. Listening to music and going to the gym are healthier ways to do this.

4. You should ask yourself whether being with him makes you feel comfortable.

5. It is crucial to assess the emotional state of both individuals. They have reached a certain age and believe he is suitable for marriage, so they got married without considering whether they love each other or can grow old together. A marriage without affection is highly susceptible to problems. If there is a conflict and it is not handled effectively, the marriage will undoubtedly fail.

6. You're handling the situation correctly. If he's not, you need to think carefully about it. Habits formed over many years are difficult to change.

7. Make sure your personalities are compatible. Not every couple in love is suitable for marriage. Some couples, even if they are very affectionate, will inevitably have conflicts and problems in their marriage over time if their personalities don't match. Marriage involves a lot of tedious family matters, and if the two sides don't get along and can't be considerate and tolerant of each other, the marriage will fail.

8. You need to look at his family and emotional situation.

You will enter the happy marriage hall.

Hello, question asker! I am Warm-hearted Girl 1219, and I will answer your question on Yi Xinli.

I have carefully read your description and understand that you are torn about whether or not to marry your boyfriend.

You and your boyfriend have different approaches to communication. You prefer to solve problems through communication, while your boyfriend tends to avoid them. This causes distress for you.

Your boyfriend shows signs of wanting to hit you when you are dating. He has a tendency towards domestic violence, and there are hidden dangers after marriage.

In response to your question, I have the following suggestions, which I am certain will be helpful:

1. Discuss with your parents and seek their advice.

Your parents love you unconditionally and have your best interests at heart. They have a wealth of life experience and can guide you through life.

You and your boyfriend have been in love for two years, and your parents have watched you both grow up. They should know what kind of person your boyfriend is. I want to know if they value him and approve of you two being together.

If they have objected, you must consider whether your parents' advice is sound. If they agree, you should also seek their views on your marriage.

2. Talk to your married friends and listen to their opinions.

☀️Married friends know the truth about marriage best. You must listen to the advice of your friends before you get married.

☀️They can give you advice, and you should carefully analyze whether there are any similarities with your parents' advice.

☀️Marriage is different from love. Love is a matter of two people, while marriage is a matter of two families. Many people regret getting married because they were too hasty and impulsive before marriage. They did not fully prepare or consider the consequences.

?3, observe the attitude of your boyfriend's parents.

You need to find out what your boyfriend's parents think about you getting married and how they treated you when you were dating. Think about it carefully.

☀️If his parents don't treat you well, it's not going to change after you get married. There will be many practical problems after marriage, and you will be very lonely if no one is there to help you with advice.

If his parents treat you well and also teach their children well, they will be able to help you out when you have conflicts with your husband.

Ultimately, the decision to get married hinges on whether your boyfriend is worth marrying.

?4. Follow your heart's choice.

☀️You may have some concerns about coming to the platform to ask questions, and you are not quite sure whether to get married. Think carefully about everything.

In addition to listening to other people's advice, you must ask yourself if you are willing to marry your boyfriend. Let me be clear: your boyfriend sometimes has a tendency towards violence.

And he will apologize to you after hurting you. This is dangerous because it allows him to continue hurting you after he apologizes.

☀️Marriage is a gamble. You can't predict what your spouse will become after marriage.

You must be very careful before marriage to increase your chances of seeing your spouse's true face.

I am confident that my answer has helped you.

I am certain that your life will be happy and peaceful!

At Yixin, the world and I love you.

Hello, question asker.

It seems like the boyfriend in question might be a bit of a male chauvinist. He might think that you'll understand without him saying anything, that you'll understand him, or that this can be resolved without communication. Of course, when problems arise, it's still important for the two of you to communicate and resolve the root cause.

"I'll hit you if I don't believe you." I've actually experienced domestic violence. My husband often says this. We've been married for many years, and if I do something wrong, he'll think that violence can solve the problem because I'm really afraid of him hitting me. Of course, I'm not doing it for him, and I'm not really afraid of him, but I really need to learn this ability. (I don't know how to do housework.) So this sentence may also be a hidden danger. It's very easy to tell the difference between a domestic violence man and a normal man. For example, will he hurt himself, hit himself, hit the wall, be emotionally unstable, slightly manic, and sometimes call and call even if you don't reply to his messages?

Naturally, everyone's situation is different, and what I've outlined is simply what I've observed in him since we started dating.

I'm not sure if the questioner loves him, if she thinks he has a lot of good qualities, and if the good qualities outweigh the bad. Also, what we think may really come to pass one day. At first, I also thought he would be abusive, so I kept testing him and did all kinds of things. Maybe I made him angry and he became abusive. Of course, I'm not trying to make excuses for him. But I think if you think he has a tendency to be abusive, you must never test or try him, because subconsciously it may slowly become true.

If he really has all the things I mentioned above, the best way is to stop it in time. If not, we should communicate. Everyone has a different way of showing love, so you might need to understand each other's favorite way of showing love.

We're currently moving towards marriage. The original poster mentioned that they've been with their boyfriend for two years and that overall the relationship is relatively stable. Now, their boyfriend has proposed to get engaged this year and get married next year, but I have some concerns.

For instance, he never takes the initiative to admit his mistakes and refuses to communicate, whereas I like to communicate and solve problems when they arise. But when I want to communicate, he'll say that he needs to calm down and that he doesn't want to discuss it for the time being. I resent this kind of behavior because I believe that if there's a problem, it should be spoken about, and if a mistake is made, it should be corrected and an apology given.

It's important to be clear about this before marriage. It's great when your partner is motivated to change, but it's not always easy to change someone. Often, we can't change the other person very often, and we can only change how we view and deal with this matter.

Also, when problems or conflicts come up, we can clearly explain how we feel and what we think about how to solve them. As for the other person writing an undertaking, it's actually unnecessary. As long as the other person really takes action to change, it's often more useful and effective than just saying it.

I'm back! One psychology, one world, and I love you!

The decision to marry is a significant one, and it is essential to approach it with careful consideration. After all, the choice to marry is a lifelong commitment. From a single perspective, making mistakes, refusing to acknowledge them, and refusing to communicate are all indications of a lack of responsibility. Given that two years have elapsed, it is reasonable to assume that you are now in a position to determine whether this is truly the case.

It is important to ascertain whether the refusal to communicate is a temporary rejection or if it is a more prolonged state of disengagement. If the refusal to communicate is complete and direct, it will have an adverse effect on the relationship between the two parties involved. This is because relationships require constant communication and compromise.

Should any queries or concerns arise, it is imperative to convey them directly to the relevant individual. Failure to do so may result in the accumulation of negative experiences, leading to a gradual deterioration in the relationship. It may be beneficial to initiate a discussion on the significance of communication at an opportune time.

In my experience, such statements are not conducive to fostering positive impressions. The adage "a sharp tongue in a soft heart" is, in my view, an inaccurate representation of reality. It is implausible that a soft heart could utter a sharp, cutting remark. When individuals are enraged, their emotional control is often compromised. Following an unpleasant incident, it is essential for the two parties to engage in constructive dialogue to identify the underlying causes of their anger and to understand each other's perspectives.

However, the act of composing an apology letter after committing an error also indicates that communication is accepted. Your familial environment has instilled a lack of confidence regarding your decision to marry. It is recommended that you explicitly convey your boundaries, delineating the types of conversations you are unwilling to engage in and the actions you are unable to perform. Additionally, it may be beneficial to gain insight into his familial environment.

Do not allow yourself to feel as though you have cherished and missed the two years that have passed. You have many more two-year periods in your life, just as I have many more eight-year periods in mine. It is imperative that you do not compromise in a relationship. Be clear about your needs, communicate more, and do not rush into marriage.

Hello, question asker! I'm Belle, and I'm here to help!

You are upset that your boyfriend is unwilling to admit his mistakes after he has made them, refuses to communicate with you about the problems, and even says things like "I'll hit you if you don't believe me." You are torn and confused inside, not knowing whether to agree with your boyfriend's plan for the two of you to get engaged this year and married next year. But, you know what? You can work through this! You can communicate with your boyfriend about the problems. You can even have a discussion about your future together. You can agree to disagree on the engagement and marriage plans. You can agree to agree on how to communicate and solve problems when facing conflicts. You can agree to disagree on whether or not your boyfriend will hit you. You can agree to disagree on whether or not you will get engaged and married next year. You can agree to disagree on whether or not you will have children. You can agree to disagree on whether or not you will live together. You can

You also have deep-seated fears. Your mother experienced domestic violence and later divorced and remarried, and you are afraid that you will repeat her mistakes and have more concerns about marriage. But you don't need to understand your boyfriend's psychology for having such words and deeds! You just need to focus on how you can communicate and solve problems when facing conflicts.

First of all, it's important to determine whether the mistake your boyfriend made touches your bottom line and principles. It's also essential to ascertain whether the other party realizes that they have done something wrong. Sometimes, behind seemingly unwillingness to communicate or even angry outbursts, is the other party's lack of awareness that they have done something wrong and that some of their actions have hurt you.

Some people find it difficult to empathize and realize when they have done something wrong. But don't worry! You can help him to see his mistakes by responding to his communication in a friendly way. He may feel that you are "hurting" him, but you can show him that you're not and that you're ready to have a friendly chat about how you can make things better.

An apology after the fact is actually very weak. But here's the good news: after a few times, you won't accept such an apology internally. And you'll be free to let it go!

I highly recommend that you and your boyfriend have a calm, honest conversation about your views on wrongdoing in relationships, your thoughts, and what changes you'd love to see your partner make. It's a great idea to resolve this before marriage, as it'll be easier to make changes after marriage.

And it takes time for a person to change their habitual words and deeds, but it's worth it!

You can express that you don't want your partner to say things like "I'll hit you if you don't believe me," and how you feel when you hear it. You can discuss what you want your partner to do, rather than passively accepting your partner's negative emotional outbursts, and even verbal threats. I don't know if your partner will hit you next time, but what he is currently doing to solve the problem is also a kind of cold violence. But you can take control!

If you're ever in an unfortunate situation where you're hit by him, do you have the courage to leave immediately? There is absolutely no room for domestic violence in your life!

In "Don't Talk to Strangers," An Jiahe also cried and begged his wife to forgive him after repeated domestic violence, and made various apologies and remedies. He was really trying to make things right! But this did not hide the fact that the other party was a wife who committed domestic violence, nor was it an excuse to be forgiven. Although your boyfriend does not have violent behavior at the moment, you should be more careful.

Wishing you the very best!

Hello, dear question asker!

I totally get where you're coming from.

I'd be more than happy to share what I know with you, and I really hope it helps a little.

1. It's so important to pay more attention to actions and actively verify them.

It's totally normal to have concerns when your boyfriend sometimes says things like, "Believe it or not, I'll hit you."

I'm really sorry to hear that your mum's first marriage ended up failing because of domestic violence and gambling.

So it's a good idea to think more about it.

I'd love to share something with you.

It's okay, what someone says is sometimes not that important.

We all get carried away sometimes, and say things we don't really mean.

So, it's really important that we pay more attention to how our boyfriend behaves.

For example, has he ever been violent towards other people? I'm sure he hasn't, but it's worth asking.

Thankfully, it seems that he hasn't behaved this way towards you.

I just wanted to check in and see if you ever worry about being physically hurt by him in your daily life.

Have you ever had the chance to get to know his parents?

Or have you ever asked him about his views on domestic violence?

If he doesn't approve of domestic violence or it doesn't exist in his family, it's totally understandable that sometimes he might say it without really doing it.

It's just an expression of his anger, sweetie.

Of course, we can't ever really know what the future holds.

We just need to set our own bottom line and clearly express our attitude to him, so that he knows what the consequences of his actions are.

After two years of getting along, I truly believe in your own judgment.

2. When it comes to communication between the two of you, it's so important to try to understand it from as many different perspectives as you can.

You said that your boyfriend "never takes the initiative to admit his mistakes and refuses to communicate," while you like to "communicate to solve problems and correct and apologize for mistakes." It's totally understandable that the two of you will have some communication difficulties!

I totally get where you're coming from.

It's so hard when you want to communicate and he treats it so coldly.

I'd love to share something with you that I've learned along the way. It's that the way each person takes things is related to their upbringing and habits.

And, you know, when two people interact or live their lives, the standards of right and wrong aren't always exactly the same when viewed from different perspectives.

Sometimes, it's not even easy to tell right from wrong!

It's totally normal for two people to have different ways of dealing with things or different perceptions.

If you're feeling uncomfortable with the way you're communicating, there are lots of other ways you can approach things. You don't have to demand that your boyfriend communicate in a way that suits you.

For instance, if you're both feeling a bit emotional, you can agree to take a little time apart to calm down and then have a chat when you're feeling more composed.

It might also be helpful to think back to how he behaved each time you thought he had made a mistake and he didn't admit it.

I'd love to know your thoughts on this. Do you agree with him?

Sometimes, some men, even if they don't say so, will show their apologies in other ways.

We can then give ourselves the freedom to be more open-minded.

Sometimes, we might think our partner has made a mistake, but they don't see it that way.

I'm sure we can resolve this too through a good conversation when both of us are calm and can understand each other.

When it comes to things that aren't really a big deal, it's totally fine to not worry so much about right and wrong.

There's so much to learn about communicating with each other!

I really think you'd benefit from learning about Nonviolent Communication.

We're not asking the other person what to do. We're just sharing our feelings and needs, which makes it easier to reach an agreement.

It's so important to remember that

Sometimes, we might feel like we're communicating, but the other person might take it the wrong way and end up accusing or criticizing us.

Take your time to find a way of communicating that feels good for both of you. I truly believe that your relationship will become even more harmonious as a result!

I'm sure you'll find that your concerns will also be greatly reduced.

Marriage is something that needs to be nurtured, and it's so important to remember that!

Instead of worrying, it's a great idea to take some time to think about your relationship and how happy you are with it.

Sometimes, some concerns require us to grow and heal ourselves, but don't worry! This is something we can all do together.

When we feel secure within, it makes it much more likely that we'll have a secure relationship!

When we know for sure what kind of life we want and what kind of partner we want, and are willing to accept the uncertainties of life, it'll be so much easier to relax and enjoy the journey!

Please feel free to share this with anyone you think might benefit from it.

If you're interested, I'd love for you to read "If Only I Knew Before Marriage."

I wish you all the very best!

Dear Colleague, My name is Dorothea.

From your statements, I can discern the internal conflict you are experiencing. Your boyfriend desires to "get engaged this year and get married next year," yet you have reservations about the efficacy of your communication style and the potential for domestic violence. This is a significant challenge, as marriage is a significant life event and everyone hopes to enter into it with a clear conscience.

Please note that the following represents my understanding and thoughts on the matter. I apologise if there is any inaccuracy in my understanding or if I have offended you in any way and caused you to feel badly. I hope that if I am fortunate enough to have provided you with food for thought and a direction to explore, it will be of benefit to you.

1. In regard to your boyfriend's shortcomings, you have indicated that he is reluctant to admit mistakes and communicate effectively. Additionally, you have stated that he tends to issue written apologies and assertions that he is not a domestic abuser. I acknowledge that your boyfriend does offer apologies on occasion, but perhaps not in the manner you anticipate. If my understanding is accurate, consider the following scenario:

Why is it that we are unable to accept this mode of communication and apology from my boyfriend?

Due to the limited information provided, this is merely a hypothesis. It is possible that my boyfriend avoids direct conflicts with others. Could you please elaborate on how he handles disagreements with other individuals?

It may be the case that your boyfriend is unable to admit mistakes or accept responsibility for his actions. When he does make a mistake, it places him under significant pressure, which in turn makes it difficult for him to communicate with you directly. Instead, he communicates through written apology letters.

When we can gain a deep understanding of another person and establish a connection, it can lead to a reduction in inner resistance and an increase in tolerance. It is important to note that individual experiences may vary, and the above is merely a hypothesis.

2. I can see that you have some concerns about the phrase "I'll hit you if you don't believe me" that you said when you were emotional with your boyfriend. I want to understand why a person would say such a thing. The reason I care so much is that, in addition to the fact that the phrase itself makes people uncomfortable, it is also because of the influence of your mother's first marriage on you. However, I am unaware of the specific impact of your mother's first marriage on you. Therefore, I can only speculate.

It would be beneficial to recall the circumstances under which your boyfriend said those words each time, and to reconstruct the scene. Did he say those words whenever he disagreed with you, or did he only say them when he was really "forced to"? It would also be helpful to consider what our inner feelings and subconscious expectations were in the moments before our boyfriend said those words.

I have encountered a case in which a woman experienced domestic violence from every boyfriend she had. Despite her best efforts to avoid such a situation, the pattern repeated itself. Through in-depth research, it was determined that this woman tested her boyfriends verbally and through body language to ascertain their potential for domestic violence. She continued testing until the point of violence occurred.

The objective of this illustration is to demonstrate that the more we value something, the more we are inclined to test it. This concept can be likened to the process of determining the solidity of a wall by applying slight pressure, or a few instances of such pressure. When we have a preconceived notion, we tend to apply more rigorous pressure.

I am unsure if discussing this case will have a negative effect on you, but I would like to provide you with a direction to consider. Only when we truly understand our own inner needs and feelings can we truly comprehend the underlying dynamics behind the phrase "believe it or not, I'll hit you."

Another option is to gain a deeper understanding of your boyfriend's upbringing, particularly if it involves topics related to "domestic violence." This can be discussed in depth when you are in a more emotionally stable state, with the goal of identifying and addressing any underlying issues.

In any case, entering into marriage requires a prudent attitude, but no one is perfect, so it is unlikely that you will find a perfect partner. If the person you are facing has one thing that you cannot accept no matter what, and there is one thing that you cannot get from them (a unique feeling), it may be worth considering. However, if there is one thing about this person that you cannot accept no matter what (and it is also difficult for the other person to change), it is likely that this will always be the trigger for arguments and conflicts after marriage, and it is difficult to avoid it.

I hope the above provides a useful starting point for further consideration and exploration. Best regards,

Hello, I'm an old, skinny donkey.

I understand the original poster's fear and worry. People in a rage say anything, but it's more important to see what they do than what they say.

First, watch.

People are not independent. You can understand your partner by observing them with their family, friends, and others. This helps you understand their emotional stability and self-control.

I used to be afraid of marriage. Before the wedding, I tested my husband. He has no violent tendencies because he fears the law.

Secondly, communication.

When we're angry, we don't listen to each other. We just get louder and more upset.

I came home from work the other day and heard my roommate arguing loudly with their girlfriend. The man was very agitated and said that the woman's family looked down on him. The woman said, "Don't you have the ability to handle setbacks?" The man said, "Your family just thinks I'm poor." Then the man slammed the door and left.

My roommate and his girlfriend seem to have communicated, but also not communicated.

The man is sensitive and vulnerable. In this situation, a direct communication method may be ineffective. He is embarrassed and frustrated when problems are pointed out to him face-to-face. Try to slow down the pace. You may try to set a regular time to adapt to your two-person communication method.

A letter is a way to express emotions and show love. It can be used to express concerns, love, expectations, and hopes for a solution when direct communication is ineffective.

Try warm communication. In a happy atmosphere, you can tell him your concerns and expectations in a loving way. During the Spring Festival, my husband and I had a long talk when we were both happy. He also agreed with me on how I handled things.

Try a "naked heart" session with your boyfriend. This is where you criticize each other's faults and praise each other's strengths. Agree beforehand that you won't fall out.

And third, find common ground while accepting differences.

Love is an intimate relationship between two people who are attracted to each other. We will never be the same. So liking each other means liking the things about the other person that attract you and accepting the things that are different from yourself.

No one is perfect. Know what you can accept and what you can't. Know your limits. This will help you get along better.

And finally, understand each other's love personalities.

The six love personalities in "How to Hug a Hedgehog" can help you understand your and your boyfriend's love personalities.

Knowing what you agree on and what you accept, and making a choice after thinking about the pros and cons will make you feel secure and help you understand your relationship better!

It would also be helpful to consider communication.

It is not so much the timing of communication that is important, but rather the approach and position that affect each other's feelings. If you have already formed a conviction and he has confessed, it may be advisable to take your time before acting.

It seems that you have already decided that he is at fault. You seem to resent the fact that you have passed sentence, and he does not admit his guilt. Perhaps this is the reason for your dissatisfaction.

It may be helpful to consider that admitting mistakes is a two-way street. If he agrees to discuss them, it's not that he doesn't want to talk about them, but rather that admitting guilt is a step he'd like you to take. If you don't admit it, you may find yourselves continuing to argue. It's understandable that he may want to move on from the argument, but it's also important to recognize that communication is a two-way street. It's not just about having a conviction, but also about understanding each other's thoughts and actively seeking a way that is understandable and acceptable to both parties.

It would be helpful to consider the possibility that words may sometimes be used as a form of threat.

It is possible that there will be times when words are not chosen carefully, and actions may speak louder than words. It is also possible that an occasional fit of anger may not mean anything. It is worth noting that even after two years of getting along, the mentality before marriage may differ from that after marriage. To some extent, people may become more real and more reckless after marriage.

It might be helpful to observe and judge his more daily behavior, especially the attitude, words, and deeds he displays when faced with an object that is weaker and unfamiliar than he is, to see if this will reach the stage of violence.

It would be beneficial to go into greater detail and gain a deeper understanding of his true nature. It is also important to recognize that judging the future based solely on your current relationship may not be comprehensive or reliable. There could come a time when you are viewed as a weak and unfamiliar object or even as an object of disgust.

With regard to getting along

It is worth noting that even if the threat is merely impulsive, it is still cause for concern. In my personal opinion, while it is understandable that such thoughts may arise, it is unlikely that men will act on them, given the influence of education and tradition.

It is also challenging to envision lovers or couples directly confronting each other. Is meeting each other face to face the most effective approach?

It is worth noting that such scenes are not uncommon in real life. They represent the accumulation of daily conflicts, which can erupt at any time. It is advisable to speak up if you have a problem. This is a positive attitude and a constructive way to address differences. It also provides a concrete opportunity for both parties to "work through" their differences. It is important to recognize that these specific incidents reflect your various differences, whether in personality, position, approach, or outlook. It is possible that many of them are simply differences rather than right or wrong. It may be helpful to distinguish and assess each difference in light of your fundamental values and principles.

It may be challenging to imagine that either of you will change, but it is important to acknowledge this reality. It might be helpful to ask yourself if you can agree to disagree and if you can each do your own thing.

Perhaps it would be helpful to consider whether you can be tolerant or accept the other person as they are, rather than just considering or hoping for the other person to admit their mistakes or change. Given your feelings for each other, it seems that the premise and needs surrounding the relationship could be a key factor in effective communication and positive coexistence. This could be an important step in quelling the anger of the stars and achieving harmony day by day, rather than heading towards confrontation and worry.

I hope you find happiness together.

Hello.

After reading your description, I have two suggestions for you.

1. You grew up in a divorced and reconstituted family, in a failed marriage, with a man who was violent and a gambler.

This unquestionably impacted your childhood.

You will also be cautious when choosing your emotions, out of fear of experiencing the same.

I believe this is a normal psychological state.

2. There is undoubtedly a hidden danger in the text you have described. Your description is one-sided and incomplete. Many things can only be assumed, and cannot be inferred correctly.

1. Refusal to communicate

Refusing to communicate is a clear sign that he is avoiding the problem. There is no doubt that he has a violent character. In fact, when dealing with such incidents, more than seven out of ten people who refuse to communicate have this kind of character.

2. They may say, "I'll hit you if you don't believe me," and they mean it.

If he gets emotional, it's a clear sign that he either doesn't feel respected or lacks self-confidence. He may be emotional because he's eager to assert himself or because he's trying to hide a mistake.

Furthermore, these words have a powerful hypnotic effect. If you are not married, you may still be able to control yourself, but after three years of marriage, it is much more challenging. This is a significant hidden danger.

3. Habit: You stated that after making a mistake, you will write an apology.

This will become a habit. Once this habit is formed, there are two possible scenarios. One is that in the future, he will just muddle through because you and he are both used to it and it's fine after an apology. The other is that you will not accept this habit and will expose the perfunctory behavior.

He will fly into a rage and blame you for his problems. He used to be able to accept it, but now he can't, and he'll think you've changed your mind, have someone else, etc.

This is for reference only.

Good day.

From your question, I can see that you are currently facing some challenges in your relationship with your boyfriend. It seems that your boyfriend may have some difficulties in resolving conflicts, tends to avoid them, and may not always face reality directly. Given the influence of his father's role in his original family, I can understand your feelings and emotions of fear and confusion.

If I might offer my humble advice, I would say:

(1) It might be helpful to consider learning to communicate with your boyfriend in a more proactive way.

It might be challenging to encourage your boyfriend to grow and become more aware of things on his own initiative. In such cases, it could be helpful to take the initiative to communicate with him about what's going on. The two of you can influence each other. If you open your heart to communication, your boyfriend may also be affected and could potentially undergo a gradual change as well.

(2) It might be beneficial to get to know each other better before getting married.

Your boyfriend may ask you why, but it's important to communicate openly and honestly with our partners about these issues. Our inability to accept certain aspects of our partners, whether due to immaturity or a lack of personal growth, can impact the quality of our relationships.

(3) It would be beneficial to learn to take responsibility for yourself.

For example, we can consider whether this person might become our partner, and we can also reflect on our own standards for a partner. If there is a discrepancy, it may be helpful to explore whether there is room for growth on both sides. If you find it challenging to accept, it might be beneficial to focus on your own self-growth. Learning to take responsibility for yourself, communicating more, getting along better, thinking more, and observing more can all be valuable steps in this process.

I wish you the best.

Marriage is a lifelong journey. It's important to keep learning and growing together with your spouse. One saying goes, "In marriage, the man is like a tree, and the woman is like a vine." If the man and woman don't grow, they'll be left behind.

The best way is for a man and woman to grow together in marriage.

Before marriage, you should learn about your partner's character, family, hobbies, social life, and career. This helps you avoid being blind to their flaws after marriage. Marriage is a lifelong event, so it's better to be cautious, even if it means waiting longer. You should also ask for advice from people close to you.

Marriage is about growing and improving together.

Summary: Marriage is a dance between two people that requires understanding. From choosing a partner to leaving the stage, it requires patience, attentiveness, and the patience to see the true face of the other person. It requires careful examination of the other person's abilities and sincerity, as well as a sincere commitment to reap the rewards of love. It requires courage to start and face challenges.

Good day, I am contacting you today to discuss a matter of great importance.

Given the circumstances you have outlined, including your own experiences of longing for a sweet life and the trauma you suffered in your original family, as well as the unfortunate experiences of your mother and your boyfriend, who you are about to get married to, it is understandable that you would feel alarmed. Indeed, in psychology there is such a phenomenon as unfortunate things repeating themselves. For example, an alcoholic's daughter may vow that she will never marry an alcoholic, but in the end her husband still becomes an alcoholic.

Why does fate repeat itself?

Individuals who harbor resentment toward their original families may become increasingly addicted to unfulfilled desires from that period.

For example, if an individual unintentionally bites their own cheek, they may find themselves compelled to continue licking the wound. This phenomenon can be observed in the case of a woman with an alcoholic father who ultimately marries someone who also consumes alcohol. Similarly, individuals who experienced domestic violence during their childhood may also be at risk of experiencing domestic violence in their adult lives.

The subconscious mind of an individual may manifest a desire to alter past experiences that are perceived as painful. This unfulfilled wish from childhood may persist and influence future experiences, whether intentionally or unintentionally. Additionally, the presence of this wish may not always be immediately apparent to the individuals involved.

I believe that, whether you witnessed it first-hand or heard about it, the incidents of domestic violence and gambling perpetrated by your father must have caused you considerable distress. You may be attempting to revisit those past experiences and alter the outcome. However, it is important to recognise that the core issue is not the character of your boyfriend, but the way you perceive the situation. Will you continue to play the role of a victim, inviting your boyfriend to become the perpetrator, and thus reenacting the past?

The unfortunate transmission of generations stems from childhood trauma. It is essential to address these issues proactively to prevent a repetition of history. The role of a counselor is to gain an in-depth understanding of the unique knowledge, emotions, perceptions, and behaviors of individuals through repeated communication, and to intervene in these areas to improve the quality of life of the client.

I therefore recommend that the questioner proceed with counseling as soon as possible and address the issues that are causing distress. A happy marriage is not about two incomplete people who love and kill each other, but two complete people who appreciate each other.

I would also suggest the psychologist Fromm's book, The Art of Love. Learning and practicing love is an art form that can be mastered with the right guidance. Interpersonal relationships provide an excellent setting for learning and practicing this art.

My name is Zhang Huili, also known as the Sunshine Dolphin. I hope my response proves helpful to you. If you find it useful, please indicate so by clicking the "thumbs-up" icon.