I no longer want to argue with my husband. How should I view arguments between a husband and wife?

Hello. I can tell you're feeling ignored and neglected. You're upset, but you don't know how to express it, so you're just bottling it up. If this continues, it'll build up and lead to arguments.

You have expectations of your partner and hope that they can meet your inner needs, but the reality doesn't live up to your expectations, so you feel disappointed, sad, and even angry. You want to express your inner emotions through arguing, but it doesn't have the effect you're looking for.

You've been married for 10 years, so you should have a lot of shared experiences. Your relationship should be getting deeper, but you haven't found a way to get along that suits you both, which is why you keep arguing. In fact, you both need to change a little and learn to accept each other.

You always want him to do things your way, without considering his feelings. Couples argue because they have different views and lifestyles regarding marriage and family.

It seems like there's a lack of communication between you both, which is making it difficult to understand each other's thoughts and feelings. It's possible that some of the issues you're facing are due to a lack of effective communication. When there's a misunderstanding, it seems like you don't speak openly about it in a timely manner, which can lead to further issues.

You need to let him know what you really think, instead of keeping it to yourself. Another thing is that you lack mutual trust, which causes tension in your relationship.

On top of that, neither of you takes the initiative to share family responsibilities. Instead, you focus on yourselves and ignore each other's feelings.

It's not a bad thing to argue with your spouse. Some people find that the more they argue, the better their relationship becomes because it allows both of you to get to know each other better. Arguing can enhance your relationship and make your married life happier and more fulfilling. You can try expressing your inner feelings to your partner and telling them how you want them to respond.

Wishing you the best.

Hello.

You feel neglected and angry. You feel frustrated.

In the beginning, there were arguments.

These methods are about communication and power in marriage.

One side will win.

No arguments means little communication. You feel neglected, and so does your husband.

Silence is a form of violence. Even if he wants to provoke you, he still needs to argue with you.

It's painful when he avoids you.

You can focus on yourself and your own needs. You have fewer expectations of your husband and children.

Your husband hasn't grown and feels neglected.

What will you do to change your marriage?

What do you want from your marriage?

What kind of intimacy do you want?

When you feel loved, you can also love your husband. He is also a needy person who doesn't know how to express it. He thinks that if he doesn't make you angry and doesn't argue with you, he is being good to you and the family. But neglect has caused you harm.

Family members should share, communicate, and care for each other. You can also communicate without arguing.

Tell him about your life and how happy you are. I think he will learn to love you if you guide him.

Best wishes!

Hello, Jiang 61.

Thank you for telling us about your confusion and seeking answers. You ask, "How should I view arguments between husband and wife when I don't want to argue with my husband?"

"Let's talk about this."

1. Introduction

1. Family

You said, "This is the 10th year of our marriage. When we first got married, I felt my husband didn't treat me as a person. After five or six years, we were no longer living apart, our children were by our sides, and our family was complete. But we started to argue. From the beginning, there were verbal attacks, to occasional physical conflicts, to cold wars."

Marriage adjustment period

The marriage adjustment period is the process of getting used to each other after marriage.

The period of marriage adjustment is usually challenging. It is also a time for couples to understand each other better. They may also realize that their partner is not perfect.

Communication, understanding, and making concessions can help couples get along better and strengthen their marriage.

Afterward

You spent the first five to six years of your marriage apart, so you had to wait longer to adjust. The adjustment period should have started after the first five to six years, even though your family was complete and you were starting to adjust to marriage.

2. Feelings

You say, "After these battles, I don't have many demands for my children's success. I've put more time and energy back into myself. My husband began to feel that I didn't treat him as a human being. When he got emotional, he would take the initiative to provoke a fight.

When we first got married, I often wanted to argue with him, but he avoided it. Now it's the other way around: he wants to argue with me, but I don't want to argue with him.

"

Early marriage

In the early days of your marriage, you had expectations of each other. You expected your partner to care for and love you, but he didn't. You often argued with him, and you gave up hope for your partner.

Change

You focus on yourself instead of your husband and children. You become stronger and grow. Your husband, who ignored you and avoided conflicts, has changed. He values you and provokes arguments, which you don't want to argue with him about.

He's helpless.

3⃣️, Confusion

You ask, "Why do I fight more often, and now he does?"

"1. Why do couples argue?"

"2. How do you see arguments between husbands and wives?"

Confusion

You are confused about your marriage. You ask why couples argue and what is wrong with you. You also want to know what problems couples have.

Understanding marriage

You don't understand marriage, arguments, or how to have a good relationship.

2. Why couples argue

1⃣️, What marriage is all about

What marriage is about

Marriage is about emotions, responsibilities, obligations, cooperation, and value exchange. It's not just about two people in love. It's also about two families.

Different backgrounds, cultures, etc.

People with different backgrounds, cultures, habits, beliefs, and views often argue when they first start a family.

2⃣️, Perception of marriage

The adjustment period

Marriage goes through seven stages: passion, adjustment, rebellion, cooperation, reorganization, crisis, and perfection. The adjustment period is when disappointment and conflict arise.

Why do couples argue?

You realize the other person isn't perfect. You argue over trivial matters and doubt your choice. This usually occurs 1 to 2 years after marriage.

You lived apart for a few years, so it took longer to adjust. Disappointment and conflict are normal in marriage.

We have doubts because we don't understand marriage.

3⃣️, How to view arguments

Arguing

An argument is a disagreement where people express their views.

A quarrel involves opposing views and emotions.

Arguments arise when people communicate inappropriately or have different expectations.

If people don't understand each other, they'll argue.

It needs to be fixed.

Arguing shows that you're unhappy or have different views. It's normal in marriage and other relationships. When opinions differ, you'll argue. This means you need to talk, work together, agree or compromise.

Retreat, compromise

If you start an argument, it means you want to reach a consensus. Arguments end in one of three ways: consensus, compromise, or rejection.

3. Happy adjustment period

The two problems mentioned by the questioner are normal in married life. The key is how we handle arguments and move beyond the adjustment period.

1. Effective communication

Effective communication

Communication is sharing information with someone to get a response. If you get a response, communication is effective.

Communication includes both verbal and non-verbal messages. Non-verbal messages are usually more important. Effective communication is important in family, parent-child, and social relationships.

Steps of effective communication

Effective communication has four steps.

Step 1: Express feelings, not emotions.

Step 2: Say what you want, not what you don't want. Say you're angry, not why.

Step 3: Express your needs, not complaints.

Step 4: Express where you want to go, not where you are. Look at the end result.

When Mr. starts arguing, we can use effective communication to understand his needs and express our own.

2⃣ Meet expectations

Expectations

Expectations are used to express longing for a future moment or thing. They usually involve expectations of a good outcome or a desire for someone or something.

There are two types of expectations: positive and negative.

Meet expectations.

There's no such thing as an argument without a reason. If we can understand the reason, what the other person wants, and work together to find a solution, the argument will stop.

3⃣, Expressions of love

You've been married for 10 years. You love each other, but you don't know how to show it.

The need to express love.

Everyone understands love differently. Dr. Gary Chapman says there are five ways people express and receive love: "affirming words," "quality time," "gifts," "acts of service," and "physical touch."

Ways to show love

Affirming words

Everyone needs praise and affirmation. More positive feedback can deepen feelings.

Moments of care

Precious moments are times and memories you share with your partner. Give your full attention to them.

Accept gifts.

Giving gifts on special occasions is a ritual that strengthens relationships.

Service actions

Do what your partner wants and make them happy. Little things matter.

Physical contact

Holding hands and hugging can show love.

Dear author, You understand marriage. You communicate well, meet expectations, and express love. Your husband feels your love, and your relationship improves. A good marriage improves through infatuation, adjustment, and cooperation.

Arguments show you still have differences and need to work through them.

I wish you happiness and joy!

Dear Questioner, My name is Ping'er, and I am a counselor. I agree with your assessment that your expectations for marriage have decreased. It is often the case that the higher the expectations, the greater the disappointment. This awareness is the most difficult to achieve. You have demonstrated an ability to perceive this and feel that you have lowered your expectations, which is commendable. Best regards, Ping'er

Additionally, you do not have excessive expectations regarding your child's success. Many parents, particularly mothers, find it challenging to relinquish control over their children. In this regard, you have demonstrated a level of maturity that has resonated with many mothers.

"More time and energy should be devoted to inner awareness and growth." I commend you for your efforts thus far.

1. What are the root causes of marital discord?

2. Please describe your perspective on arguments between husbands and wives.

As evidenced by these questions, you are experiencing confusion, perplexity, and distress in your marriage. You are seeking a solution to improve your situation and that of your family, with the goal of fostering a harmonious, loving, and happy marriage.

1. What are the root causes of marital discord?

Firstly, it is inevitable that two individuals living together will have different living habits, views, opinions and needs. It is therefore unlikely that either party will be able to convince the other, and it is equally unlikely that either will be willing to give in. This can lead to arguments.

Secondly, there are also 10 years of established patterns, inertia, and constraints related to actions, speech, and thought.

Thirdly, following the marriage, there are communication issues and a lack of compatibility between the two parties.

2. Please describe your view of arguments between husbands and wives.

Dr. Huang has identified four major factors that can negatively impact a marriage.

1. Disdain and denial. 2. Defense and counterattack.

3. Negative interpretation. 4. Building walls and avoiding.

It is important to be prepared for the unexpected challenges that may arise in a marriage. Conflicts are an inevitable part of any relationship and can be managed effectively to ensure a positive and fulfilling marriage. With the right approach and adjustments, a mature marriage can lead to happiness and satisfaction.

It is recommended that you consider the following: First, you two have now switched roles, and now it is the husband who initiates arguments with you. What is he really trying to say? Think about it. What were your needs in the beginning?

It is important to note that what he wants is not necessarily something that costs money. Therefore, emotional value is sufficient for him, and there is no loss on your part. His happiness is a benefit to you, and vice versa.

Secondly, it is recommended that you smile. When was the last time you laughed?

Laughter is a powerful tool for fostering positive interactions and outcomes. Practice your smile deliberately to enhance your personal and professional interactions.

Third, refrain from communicating in a manner that is disparaging, critical, or denies the other party's perspective. For instance,

Upon his return home, her husband is greeted with the following: "Please explain your late arrival. The food is becoming cold, and I am hungry from waiting."

This is a formal complaint. The wife describes the behavior of her husband that is a source of concern for him.

It is not an effective communication strategy. It is generally acknowledged that expressing one's feelings in this way is not a preferred approach. However, if he chooses to do so, it is likely that the marriage will not be significantly affected.

However, the wife also stated, "What is the matter with you? You are habitually late and require others to wait to accommodate you." This statement has become an attack.

Her statements not only address her husband's conduct but also include personal attacks.

Another example is the use of the expletive "Where the hell have you been?"

Please be aware of the time. I would like to discuss your role as a father.

Do you want the entire family to suffer the consequences of your chronic tardiness? Are you aware that you have never been promoted due to this issue?

In addition to criticizing her husband's character, the wife also expressed her frustration and disapproval in a way that was likely to be hurtful to him. Her comments were particularly pointed in their reference to his perceived failure to advance in his career. The wife's tone and choice of words clearly reflected her lack of acceptance and disapproval of her husband's professional performance.

The situation intensified. Therefore, it is evident that the choice of words is significant.

Fourth, provide praise and affirmation. Identify positive attributes in your partner and children and offer praise promptly. I had a client who requested assistance in identifying positive qualities in his partner. Initially, she asserted that she saw no positive traits in herself. Six months later, she informed me that she had identified one positive quality about him: he regularly engages in jogging. I encouraged my child to recognize the admirable qualities of his father, noting his consistent dedication to jogging, regardless of weather conditions.

In your daily life, when there is no pressing matter at hand, consider delegating authority. For instance, if you are asked for your opinion on a particular issue, you can say, "Ultimately, the decision rests with you. As the head of the family, you have the final say."

You are correct. You can also inform your child that the money you spend was earned by your father and express gratitude to him. When the relationship is positive, you can engage in a lighthearted manner and say, "My husband's previous meal was so appetizing, I was quite hungry. He may respond in a somewhat incoherent manner, but he will undoubtedly prepare a meal for you."

When your relationship is positive, the family dynamic is also enhanced. Some issues with your child can be resolved without intervention, as they tend to resolve themselves over time.

Should you require further assistance, please do not hesitate to contact me. I am confident that you possess the requisite intelligence and discernment to overcome these challenges. I eagerly anticipate your success.

I am confident that you can achieve this.

Hello. I'm Evan, a counselor at Jingli School of Counseling.

The questioner seems confused about getting along with her husband and married life.

In marriage and intimate relationships, we all have our own desires and needs. The questioner's previous quarrels were due to her desire to be valued, while later quarrels were due to her desire for self-growth. Her husband felt abandoned and ignored, which caused conflicts.

The questioner may have started arguments to get attention. Now, she may be more concerned about self-growth and inner peace.

The husband may feel confused or unhappy because he senses a change in his wife's attitude and expectations, so he starts a fight.

In an intimate relationship, we all want to be valued. When this need is not met, we will try to get the other person's attention and value through drastic means. Is this not similar to how we asked for things from our parents when we were young?

Of course, couples argue. Arguments show both people in a relationship what the other person values. There are many reasons for arguments.

What's wrong? I'll explain.

Communication barriers can lead to arguments.

Couples may have different expectations in their marriage. When expectations and reality don't match, conflicts arise. Couples may also have differences in important life concepts and values, which can lead to friction in daily life.

Emotional needs: When we get married, we may think the other person is right for us. But after marriage, we may have different needs, like care, support, and understanding. If these needs aren't met, it can lead to arguments.

Stress at work or in life can affect the family. Stress, fatigue, etc. can cause arguments.

Before marriage, the relationship is just between two people. Once there are children and parents, it becomes a multiple relationship. Life events such as marriage and having children may lead to changes in the roles of husband and wife. If the two parties cannot adapt well to these changes, it may also lead to arguments.

Husbands and wives may have different personalities and values, which can lead to arguments.

How do you view arguments between couples? We need to communicate well in intimate relationships. Arguments are normal, so it's important to know how to handle and resolve them. Here are some simple suggestions:

How do you view arguments between couples? We need to communicate well in intimate relationships. Arguments between couples are normal, and it's how we handle and resolve them that matters. Here are some simple suggestions:

Arguing is not bad. It can help couples communicate and release pressure. But if it's too frequent or intense, it can harm the relationship.

When arguing, stay calm and avoid losing control. If things get out of hand, leave the scene and come back when you're both calmer.

Understand and respect each other. Consider the other person's perspective and opinions. This can help ease arguments.

Instead of trying to win an argument, find a solution that is acceptable to both of you. Work together for marital harmony.

Learn to communicate effectively. Express your needs and feelings, and listen to your partner. This can help couples communicate better and reduce misunderstandings and conflicts.

If you can't resolve your arguments, get help from a professional.

Quarrelling couples have a closer emotional life than non-quarrelling couples. If couples don't even quarrel, it is worth exploring whether their communication is good.

Couples argue. It's normal. The key is to handle arguments well and learn from them. When couples communicate well and understand each other, they can face life's challenges together and build a stronger, happier marriage.

I hope this helps.

Related books

This book explores the intimacy between husbands and wives. It also teaches how to improve relationships with partners.

Psychology of Marriage: This book looks at problems in marriage from a psychological point of view, including arguments and conflicts between spouses. It offers practical advice on understanding your partner and resolving conflicts in your marriage.

How to Argue Properly by Judith and Bob Wright is a book about why couples argue and how to make arguments work for you.

Happy Marriage: This book shows how good communication helps couples build a happy relationship. It gives practical advice to help couples communicate better and strengthen their marriage.

The genesis of arguments between couples is frequently attributed to deficiencies in communication, an absence of appropriate emotional regulation, and discrepancies in the expectations held by each partner. The following perspectives on arguments between couples are worthy of consideration:

1. Ineffective communication: Effective communication between spouses is a fundamental aspect of a healthy relationship. When communication is deficient, misunderstandings, suspicion, and dissatisfaction are likely to emerge, leading to arguments.

2. Inappropriate emotional regulation: Emotional management is a vital aspect of a couple's relationship. If one or both parties are unable to effectively regulate their emotions, they may lose control during an argument, causing harm through their words or actions.

3. Disparate expectations: Couples may have differing expectations of each other, including with regard to the division of family responsibilities, living habits, and financial expenditure. When expectations are not met, it may result in conflict and argumentation.

4. Stress and Life Changes: Stress and changes in life are also common causes of arguments. For example, work-related stress, financial difficulties, and children's education can all become triggers for arguments between husbands and wives.

5. Personality differences: Personality differences between spouses can also give rise to arguments. For instance, one spouse may prefer a more tranquil environment, whereas the other may prefer a more vibrant atmosphere. Such discrepancies can result in discord within the marital relationship.

What is your perspective on disagreements between married couples?

6. Understanding and tolerance: It is a normal occurrence for couples to engage in arguments. The crucial element is to foster a mutual understanding, demonstrate tolerance for each other's shortcomings, and collaborate to resolve issues.

7. Communicate calmly: When an argument arises, it is imperative to maintain composure and engage in effective communication. It is crucial to refrain from emotional language and actions and to strive to comprehend the other person's perspective and sentiments.

8. Seek compromise: In resolving an argument, both parties must be willing to make compromises and concessions. It is preferable to seek a solution that is mutually beneficial, rather than one that is merely based on winning or resisting.

9. Seek assistance: In the event that a couple is unable to resolve their arguments independently, they may wish to consider seeking professional help, such as psychological counseling or couple therapy.

10. It is imperative to maintain love and respect for one another, both during and after an argument. It is crucial to understand that engaging in conflict does not signify a loss of affection; rather, it is a means of addressing issues.

It is crucial to recognize that arguments are not the fundamental issue; rather, they are a manifestation of underlying problems. By fostering mutual understanding and respect and actively addressing issues, couples can establish a more resilient and fulfilling relationship.

From what you've told me, it seems like your relationship with your husband has changed a lot over the years. It's gone from being a bit rocky at first to having a lot of arguments. This might be because you and your husband have grown and changed a lot individually, and it also shows that there are some deeper problems in your relationship. I'll answer all of your questions in more detail below:

What causes couples to argue? What's the issue?

(1) Bad communication: Arguments often come from poor communication between the two people involved. In a marriage, good communication is the foundation for maintaining a good relationship. If the two people are unable to express their thoughts and emotions effectively, it will lead to misunderstandings and conflicts, which in turn will lead to arguments.

(2) Emotional conflict: Your arguments with your husband might show that you have different emotional needs and expectations. As people change and grow over time, their emotional interactions with their partners can also change. If you and your husband aren't able to adapt to these changes quickly, you might find yourselves arguing.

(3) Balance of power: In a marriage, it's important to have a healthy balance of power. If one partner dominates the relationship, the other partner may feel neglected or disrespected, which can lead to dissatisfaction and arguments.

(4) Individual needs and expectations: Arguments between couples can also come from differences in what they each want and expect from marriage and family. If they have different ideas about what marriage and family should be like, it can lead to conflict.

2. What's the best way to handle arguments between a husband and wife?

It's not unusual for couples to argue, and it can be a way for them to communicate their feelings and solve problems. The key is to view and handle arguments in the right way.

(1) Listening and understanding: It's important for both spouses to listen to each other's thoughts and feelings, respect each other's positions, and try to understand each other's inner world. When we listen and understand, misunderstandings and conflicts can be reduced.

(2) Respect and tolerance: Respect is the foundation of a healthy couple relationship. Both parties should respect each other's individual needs and space, and be tolerant and understanding, rather than accusing and attacking.

(3) Find a solution: When an argument occurs, both parties should take a deep breath and work together to find a solution. Through rational communication and compromise, conflicts can be effectively resolved and the improvement of the couple's relationship promoted.

(4) Seek help: If the couple can't work it out on their own, they might want to think about getting some professional marriage counseling or the help of a psychologist. A third party can help the couple figure out what's going on, come up with solutions, and work on fixing things.

At the end of the day, arguments between couples are just a way of expressing and communicating emotions. If you can approach arguments with the right attitude and approach, you'll understand each other better and your relationship will be healthier. I hope you and your husband can work together to solve problems and move towards a happy and successful future together.

It is understandable that couples will argue from time to time. After all, they are two independent people living together, and it is normal to have some disagreements.

From the original poster's story, I have a general understanding of the reasons behind the changes in their hearts.

Generally speaking, it's very simple: in the early stages, the questioner wanted to argue with her husband, but he didn't want to, so she kept avoiding it. Her husband didn't want to end the marriage quickly because of arguments. The reason she is now taking the initiative to argue is that she saw that the questioner is ignoring her, and she also thinks that the questioner is holding the idea of divorce, so she is taking the initiative to "find fault." In fact, their original intentions are the same.

It is worth noting that even after ten years, a bond can still exist between two individuals, despite a lack of affection. It is therefore understandable that they may find it challenging to part ways so easily.

It is worth noting that men's hearts can be quite fragile at times. In my experience, women tend to be stronger and more assertive, which may contribute to them being the ones who initiate divorce more often. It is understandable that men may experience distress when faced with the prospect of divorce, and it is likely that they will find it challenging to accept.

Ultimately, the issue seems to be a matter of differing approaches to decision-making within the family. Could I ask whether your husband or you typically make the decisions?

Could I ask who is in charge?

Ideally, a husband and wife should find a balance between being dominant and submissive, with both partners depending on each other. While it is not necessarily a problem if one partner is in charge, it can be challenging when two strong-willed individuals come together.

I hope the questioner will consider these issues and take the time to reflect on their position. If you feel you would like to be in charge, it might be helpful to communicate this clearly. It's important to remember that there's no need to adopt an attitude of disobedience or make your husband's life difficult.

If you feel that you would prefer not to be in charge, perhaps you could consider bearing a little humiliation and taking the initiative to give in. While it might be a little uncomfortable at first, it could lead to a positive outcome, and your husband will surely appreciate your good intentions.

It is worth noting that all of this is based on the assumption that the couple in question has feelings for each other. If that is not the case, then the situation may warrant a different approach.

I truly hope that the poster's family is able to find harmony within themselves.

In general, arguments between wives are a fascinating re-enactment of emotional trauma experienced in the original family.

Specifically, each person has their own unmet psychological needs, and they resort to quarrelling as an immature way of dealing with them. But there is a solution!

It's been 10 years since you got married! It feels like when you first got married, your husband didn't treat you as a human being and didn't value you. But now you're ready to be valued in your emotional needs!

Your husband may not realize it, or he may not be able to do it, or he may be doing it at a normal level, but you may have a deeper and stronger need for affection than the average person because you felt a lack of love in your family of origin. This is great because it means you're looking for more! You feel that he is not doing enough, but this is something you can work on together.

At that time, you were living apart, and the physical distance increased your sense of powerlessness.

After your family is reunited, you start arguing from time to time, which is totally normal! It can escalate from verbal attacks to physical conflicts, and even a cold war.

Although you didn't say what caused the argument, I can see that after enduring these silent battles, your expectations for marriage have lowered and you don't have high expectations for your child's success.

This signal seems to be conveying that your expectations for marriage and your requirements for your children to succeed are a bit high—and that's great!

When you have these expectations and demands, neither your husband nor your children can live up to them—and that's okay! It's totally normal to have arguments when we have high expectations.

Fortunately, after you were disappointed with your husband and child, you made the brilliant decision to put the time and energy back into your own inner awareness and growth.

This is great news! It means that you don't want to change other people, but to meet your own inner needs through yourself.

The expectations and demands you have of your husband and children are actually projections from your own heart. For example, it is not the children who want to be successful—it's you! You have a desire to be successful and want to be fulfilled through your children.

When you focus on yourself, your husband is unhappy and feels ignored. This is your chance to show him how much you care!

And we can see that Mr. is also in need of attention!

Both people need to be valued, which shows that both people's love may be lacking. But there's no need to worry! How can they give it?

Two people who have no power should be supporting each other! Instead, they are waiting for the other to come and support them, and so the argument happens.

The fact that you have switched from the situation where you want to argue with him and he avoids it, to the situation where he wants to argue with you and you avoid it, shows that the power is shifting!

When one partner feels powerless, the other may be slightly stronger, but there's still hope! They may not be strong enough to reach out and help the other, but there are ways to bridge the gap.

There is a way to change this situation! You can work out a rule with your husband to first declare a truce and talk things over.

This is a great opportunity for you to show your husband some well-deserved attention and care! You can do this by being aware of your own needs and growing as a person.

I bet you two are avoiding each other to avoid arguing!

I'm so excited to tell you all about how non-violent communication can help you achieve effective and satisfactory results!

If you're not sure how to use non-violent communication, you can find out more about it! I won't go into detail here, but I'm excited for you to learn more.

I wish you all the happiness in the world!

I am Yan Guilai, your guide on this incredible journey of self-discovery! I'm here to help you see the truth and embrace your true potential. Let's embark on this exciting adventure together!

Good day, inquirer.

I would like to extend my congratulations to you on having successfully overcome the seven-year itch. Based on the current circumstances, it appears that the future holds further improvement.

The rationale behind this assertion is as follows: over the past ten years of your marriage, you have experienced a series of shifts and changes, including the process of getting to know each other. When you initially married, you were inclined to engage in frequent arguments with your husband. At that time, your husband was frequently absent, leaving you to navigate the challenges of pregnancy and child-rearing on your own. Your husband did not resort to using flattery to make you feel better, which led to heightened emotional responses and a sense of being undervalued by your husband. As a result, when the two of you eventually ended up in different places, the accumulated emotions would erupt between you and your husband. As you mentioned, not only did verbal conflicts occur, but also physical conflicts and even a cold war. Over time, you became more self-aware and developed a growth mindset, focusing on yourself and not holding high expectations for your child or your husband. This aligns with the notion that the greater the hope, the greater the disappointment. Without great hope, things will develop in a positive direction.

It seems reasonable to conclude that your husband's current behaviour is a reflection of his own internal struggles. He is also undergoing a process of self-discovery. It is understandable that you want him to value you and to pay attention to you. However, it is possible that despite his outwardly expressed annoyance, he may still subconsciously feel that his value exists. The sudden shift in your behaviour has caused him to lose his sense of purpose and direction. He is not developing his own sense of self-awareness and self-worth. It is therefore unsurprising that he has resorted to attacking.

This is, in fact, a beneficial development. For those who already possess a penchant for learning and growth, the situation is even more advantageous, as it allows for a comprehensive perspective and a shift in focus from one's spouse's shortcomings to a more holistic view. This enables a transformation in one's perception and a move beyond the limitations of one's initial understanding of the situation. The capacity to understand and accept one's spouse's behavior, regardless of its manifestation, is a significant step forward. As previously mentioned, the individual in question may currently experience a sense of powerlessness. However, given the aptitude for learning demonstrated by the individual in question, there is potential to instill in their spouse a sense of strength and agency for growth. This will mitigate the feelings of powerlessness and unworthiness that were previously experienced. The current state of the relationship, characterized by open communication and mutual engagement, represents a notable shift from the initial dynamic, which was characterized by a tendency to argue and face each other. This shift in dynamics has the potential to alter the perception of the individual in question by their spouse. They may begin to view the individual in question as a source of wisdom and guidance.

It is a common occurrence for couples to engage in conflict. Given that they originate from disparate familial backgrounds, possess varying life experiences, family histories, and genetic compositions, it is unsurprising that they adopt disparate perspectives and approaches. Indeed, research indicates that a significant proportion of couples worldwide engage in frequent conflict. While conflict is a normal aspect of relationships, it is crucial to recognize that having the incorrect perception and approach to conflict can be detrimental. A harmonious relationship between a husband and wife can only be achieved through effective conflict resolution. Therefore, it is essential to view arguments between a husband and wife in a constructive light.

It is essential to view arguments with a calm mind, deal with them wisely, and transcend them with a growth mindset. If learners can adopt this approach and allow time for it to take effect, they will find that their relationships with their husbands become increasingly harmonious, and their lives become more beautiful.

It is imperative to continue personal growth in order to ensure a promising future. I encourage you to pursue this endeavor with vigor and confidence, as the world and I support you wholeheartedly.

Hello! I'm Bai Li Yina, and I'm so excited to be able to help you out with this. I really hope my reply can give you some warmth and help!

The questioner shared that she has been married for 10 years and has made some amazing changes! She used to start arguments, but now she avoids them. Her husband has also made some incredible shifts. He used to avoid arguments, but now he actively starts them. You have noticed these changes and are excited to see what the future holds. How can you get along even better?

[Situation analysis]

Ten years of marriage is a long time, and you've been through a lot together. From verbal attacks to occasional physical conflicts and cold wars, you've been there. But you've also grown and learned so much! You've devoted more time and energy to your inner awareness and growth, and it's been a long and difficult process. But you did it! And that's really great! So, here's a warm hug to celebrate!

Arguments between couples are usually caused by disagreements, where one person wants something that the other cannot give. The good news is that the person who initiates the argument is often the one with higher needs, and that person was once you!

But you are growing! You are becoming more aware of yourself and changing your mindset. For example, you are lowering your expectations of marriage and not having too many demands on your children. So in the long term, your needs have been reduced, and you are no longer the person who will make demands on your husband because of your own needs. The good news is that you can stop feeling unappreciated when you argue. When you value yourself, this feeling is alleviated!

However, your husband has not improved or evolved. Compared to you, he has become the one with high demands. Through fruitless arguments, he believes that you do not value him and ignore his needs. He has become the person you once were. But here's the good news! You've grown and changed, and you're no longer the person who will make demands on your husband because of your own needs. The problem with arguing is that if it is not resolved, it makes people feel unappreciated. But when you value yourself, this feeling is alleviated.

Your improvement comes from your own awareness and changes, not from communication and negotiation between the two parties. This is great news! It means that although the problems and conflicts between you have not been completely resolved, the direction and perspective have changed.

[Recommended methods to try]

1. You can talk to your husband about the person you once were, the grievances you suffered, and how you felt. Let the other person see the you who was hurt in the marriage, and then look at the self-injured him now. By seeing each other, you can find a more suitable way to get along—and you'll be amazed at how much better it can be!

2. Just as you observe yourself, try to tell him about your feelings and what you think! Of course, you need to communicate when you are emotionally stable and not arguing. You can even adjust his mentality to achieve a new balance in the intimacy of your marriage!

3. Life is long, and there are rarely two people who are completely free of conflicts. Conflict points also change constantly with life and with age. This is a common phenomenon in marriage. The difference is that each family has its own way of dealing with and facing conflicts after they arise. This is not the result of one person's efforts, but a unanimous decision reached after mutual adjustment. And you know what? That's a good thing! It means you can work together to find solutions that work for you.

I really hope these methods help you!

Change takes time and patience, but it'll be worth it! Don't worry or be afraid. Many people are experiencing or have experienced similar problems, but you can get through this!

The world and I are with you, and we're rooting for you! I wish you an early solution to the fog in your heart and a path to your own most comfortable state.

A big thank you to everyone who has liked and responded to me! I wish you all peace and joy!

Dear, hello!

It's so interesting how relationships change over time! It seems like things have really shifted for you and your husband over the past ten years. You used to seek attention from your husband, but he avoided it. Now that you've lowered your expectations and don't actively seek attention from your husband and children, and instead pay more attention to your own inner world, your husband has sought attention from you instead.

This back-and-forth seems to show that there's a balance in your relationship. When you argue, it's because you have unmet needs, and when you don't argue, it's because you're feeling disappointed and rejected.

It's like a dance of forces and reactions. You chase and I hide, I hide and you chase.

If both of you stop or if both of you argue, it can feel like the relationship is over. I think you and your husband might have a similar feeling deep down: if the other person expresses their needs, it can feel overwhelming, and you might feel like you need to hide. If the other person doesn't respond to you and doesn't have any needs for you, it can feel like the relationship is dead, which can make you feel uneasy. I think you might feel like you need to stir things up a bit to maintain the relationship.

From this perspective, it's possible that your experiences of intimacy as a child were similar to your husband's. Intimacy may have been full of coercion and disappointment.

This feeling of being forced and disappointed is something we've all experienced at one point or another. It's not a pleasant feeling, but it does provide a sense of security and stability.

As you mentioned at the beginning, you wanted to argue, but your husband avoided it, and you felt powerless. Now, your husband wants to argue, but you don't, and he may feel powerless. It's so interesting how our feelings can be so similar!

It's possible that your reluctance to argue with your husband is similar to how he felt when he avoided it in the past.

This reversal of the interaction pattern is actually a great chance for you and your husband to tune in to each other's inner states and the emotional feelings that come up when you choose different ways of acting. From this insight, you can start to see the inner motives and feelings of wanting to argue and not wanting to argue, and really understand the true inner desires that come up in both situations.

When you understand your own heart, you can also gain a deeper understanding of your husband's heart. You'll see your own inner fragility and yearnings, as well as his fragility and yearnings.

Then, you might even understand why couples argue and what these arguments are really about!

With understanding, you can move past the habit of arguing or not arguing and start getting along with your husband in a more peaceful way with more genuine interactions. This can bring a greater sense of security and relaxation to both your heart and his. New qualities may even start flowing into your relationship, forming a new emotional connection!

I really hope this helps! I'm listening therapist Xu Yanlian, so please feel free to chat.

Wishing you all the best!

Hello! I'm a heart exploration coach, and I'm so honored to be able to offer you some advice.

From what you've written, I can really see how you've grown and changed over the past ten years of marriage. You've come so far! And now, you're in your tenth year of marriage, which is a great milestone. It's like you've taken that first step on a journey of transformation and now you're at the end of the first chapter.

I'd love to understand why you say that.

I totally get it. When you got married ten years ago, you were both still pretty young, with big dreams of a better life, longing for a relationship, and full of expectations for your family.

But at the beginning of your marriage, you two were actually living apart, right? It was only in the fifth or sixth year that you were able to return to being a complete family, which I'm sure was a wonderful moment for you both!

I can only imagine how difficult the past five or six years have been for you. During those five or six years, you felt that your husband did not treat you as a human being, did not value you, and you did not feel loved at all.

It's so hard when you feel like you and your partner are in different places and you're struggling to cherish this fleeting encounter. It's natural to feel a mix of love and hate when some of your requests and emotional feelings aren't seen by the other person.

I can imagine how angry and upset you must have felt inside. It's so understandable!

So you've been married to him for ten years, and looking back from the present, you're engaged in some great self-awareness. At that time, you felt like he didn't treat you as a human being. I'd love to know what you think "treating someone as a human being" means to you.

From my perspective, it seems like he might not fully respect you, pay much attention to you, or love you as his wife. It also seems like he might ignore you when you're feeling angry.

You were already dealing with verbal attacks and the occasional physical conflict, and then you stopped talking and things just got cold.

It's so sad when verbal attacks happen because you feel like you're not being seen. We all want someone to care about us, and you're so enthusiastic and devoted to your relationship.

I'd love to know whether you or your partner initiated the physical conflict.

If a man is the first to initiate physical violence, it can be really hurtful to feel like he doesn't care about your inner struggles or feelings for him.

At first, you may have thought that if you cried hysterically, complained, and made a big scene, he would see it and come to hug and comfort you.

Over time, your heart gradually grew cold.

Before, you kept thinking that you should maintain the relationship well and live happily with him. After all, you had a child together, didn't you? You didn't want your little one to sense your bad feelings, and you were so proud of your family!

You've thought about this relationship so much, but it's been a bit of a letdown, hasn't it?

So after that, your inner state is not very willing to continue arguing with him, and it becomes a cold war. After you have survived these silent and audible wars of the cold war, you gradually become particularly disappointed in your marriage.

And you don't have many expectations for your children's development, which is totally understandable!

You were so tired and desperate, sweetheart. You had worked so hard for five or six years to hold on to the relationship and never wanted to let go of your husband. There were so many reasons, like the distance or the pressure he was under, that you tried to understand and accommodate him as much as possible.

But you find that this is not quite right, and gradually you lose hope. Don't worry, though! This is totally normal. You just need to devote more and more time to yourself. You begin to become self-aware, self-awake, and self-growing.

Afterwards, you'll be amazed to find that the tables have turned! Instead of feeling like your husband didn't treat you as a person, you'll feel like he's treating you like a person.

You're feeling like you've returned to yourself, but it seems like he's having a bit of a problem with me. I'm not sure what's going on!

And he might even start an argument, as if the two of you have reversed roles.

So, after taking a closer look at this, we can see that your current growth is actually a positive thing. In the past, you were completely devoted to your husband, and you even gradually became more and more subservient.

Then your husband will feel so secure and safe with you because he'll have someone to talk to every day, or someone who cares about him. He'll feel like your relationship is very secure, that you'll never betray him, and that you're so loyal.

Now that you've returned to your inner self, your husband might feel a little ignored.

You're not ignoring him, sweetheart. You're just saying that you also hope to have more time to return to yourself and not forget to love yourself. In the past, you lost yourself, but from his perspective, he will feel that your personal growth and independence are gradually loosening this sense of security in his heart.

At this time, he felt a bit panicked. He wondered why, before you were so calm, you were now so hysterical. He felt fear and panic inside, so he took the initiative to argue with you.

It's just to make sure you still care about him and that there's been no change in your relationship. I know you must feel really powerless inside about your husband's behaviour.

You have such lovely memories of your husband from when you first got married.

It's so hard when you always want to argue with him but he ignores you. It can make you feel really powerless, and now he's feeling that way too.

You were the first to wake up in this relationship, and we can use this incident to explain it to him.

If I could give you one piece of advice, it would be this: you can tell him how you felt in the first five or six years of your marriage. You can tell him how much you wanted him to see you and care about you.

But you tried again and again, and it just wasn't working out the way you wanted it to. And at that time, you also lost yourself and kept looking outside for answers.

Once you've woken up, you've made some personal growth a priority. Your husband has probably picked up on this, and he might be feeling a bit insecure. This is something you've both been through before, so you can help him feel a little more powerful by sharing your experience.

This way, he can really understand what you're going through.

You should also let him know that you both went through this process at the same time, and it was really tough. You both wanted it to work, but it didn't.

You can tell him how you have made up in the past few years. You can explain to him the reasons for your current state, and that you and he are two independent individuals who need to be respected and seen for who they are, rather than being prevented from being humble and inferior.

It's so great that you're bringing this up! It's the perfect time for you to repair your relationship.

I hope my answers to your two questions have given you some food for thought. As for your second question, how to deal with arguments between couples, I think it's important to remember that arguments aren't necessarily a bad thing. It's always worth trying to understand why they happen in the first place.

And you can even learn about the five languages of love!

For example, some people want to be seen, some want gifts, and some want more physical contact. There are five languages, and we just need to identify what the other person wants!

You two are now on a pretty equal playing field, so you can really grow together. You can also share your experiences with him.

If he now realizes the importance of you, then let's consider the tenth year of your marriage as a brand new next stage and a good starting point!

I truly believe that in the next 20 or 30 years, there will be more room for growth. With your help, your husband and children will be able to get back on the right track. This will make you feel freer inside and let them feel more love. This way, your family of three can be more complete, and the energy of love can flow.

Please don't hesitate to ask me any questions you may have about my answers above or if there's anything you don't quite understand.

Then you are more than welcome to organize your thoughts, click on my personal homepage, and ask me questions. I will be more than happy to help you analyze the situation more specifically so that your little home can enter that state you want sooner.

I'll be waiting for your reply and sending you all my best wishes!

Thank you for your inquiry. I will address your question from the following points:

Everyone has their own habitual and inherent mode of communication with others. They all hope to gain recognition and respect from others and seek love from the outside world. However, we rarely take the time to address our own problems because doing so would require us to admit our own incompetence. Arguing is also an inherent mode of communication between you.

It is only through constructive debate that individuals can gain a sense of existence and worth from each other. Furthermore, it is through this process that they establish a connection and develop mutual respect. When this connection is absent or has been severed, it is indicative of a deeper insecurity. In such instances, individuals may resort to argumentative discourse as a means of re-establishing this connection.

When the objective of the argument is unclear, arguing is the only way to maintain communication. If you stop arguing, it indicates a lack of resolution. I once read a story about a couple getting divorced. The story said that the two of them kept arguing all the time when they were together. One day, they got tired of arguing and decided to get a divorce. Interestingly, after getting divorced, the two of them were able to interact amicably like good friends.

Consequently, the dispute may also stem from the fact that you still have expectations of each other, but are unsure of how to express your affection for each other in a manner that is not argumentative.

2. Marital disputes have a significant impact on children. If parents are engaged in verbal and behavioral patterns that are not constructive, children may internalize these patterns and believe that they are responsible for their parents' conflict. This can lead to children developing negative temperaments and personalities, making it challenging for them to communicate effectively. It is essential to understand the underlying causes of your tendency to engage in argumentative behavior. Regardless of who initiates the argument, the result is a situation where you are caught in an argumentative loop. This requires self-reflection. Many individuals believe that they are growing when they are not actively addressing their own issues and focusing on the problems of others.

Engaging in an argument is akin to clapping one's hands. A single hand cannot clap; only two hands clapping together can produce a sound. If you can offer the other party your approval when they are seeking a confrontation and say to them, regardless of what they say, "Yes, you are right," will you still become argumentative? Providing the other party with your approval is the sole means of concluding an argument. Regardless of how unreasonable the other party's statements may seem to you, you can still approve of them first and then express your feelings and emotional views.

In high-emotional-intelligence communication, regardless of the other person's input, the response should always begin with "yes." This is only possible if you have developed a robust inner self and respect the other person enough.

Hello, my name is June Lai Feng, and I'm here to help!

We all know that arguing with your spouse can be a real headache. But here's the thing: arguing isn't always a bad thing.

Sometimes, arguing can be a great way for both of you to really get to the heart of things and work through some underlying issues. Of course, if it becomes too frequent or intense, it can start to have a negative impact on the relationship.

It's totally normal to not want to argue with your husband. We've all been there! It can feel like a battle, and it can leave you feeling tired, powerless, frustrated, or disappointed. Arguing may make you feel even more tired and powerless, so you may avoid conflicts with your husband.

You might also feel like you can't change your husband's behavior or attitude, so you choose to give up arguing to avoid further conflict and hurt.

You may also feel like you're not able to meet your husband's needs or expectations. It's okay to choose to give up arguing to avoid further conflict and hurt.

Not wanting to argue with your husband may also mean that you've started to pay attention to your emotions and mental health, which is great! We all know that arguments can make us feel tired, frustrated, and helpless. They can even lead to psychological problems over time. So, it's really helpful to be aware of this and to take steps to avoid them.

When you become aware of these negative effects and start trying to avoid arguments, it's a great sign that you're starting to value your mental health and take active measures to protect it!

Finally, it might also show that you feel a bit powerless and disappointed in the quality of your marriage, and you just go with the flow!

There are so many reasons why couples argue!

It's totally normal for misunderstandings and conflicts to arise sometimes. It's just that sometimes, we might not be able to express our thoughts, feelings, and needs as clearly as we'd like, or we might not listen to the other person's point of view as well as we could.

It's totally normal for couples to have different ways of dealing with things. But sometimes, these differences in character can lead to a bit of friction.

It's totally normal for couples to disagree on important life concepts or moral standards. These differences can sometimes lead to some pretty intense arguments, but that's okay!

It's totally normal for couples to have certain expectations about marriage and their relationship. When reality doesn't match up to those expectations, it's only natural for disappointment and arguments to arise.

It's so important to feel emotionally supported, intimate, respected, and approved of in a relationship. When these needs aren't met, it can lead to feelings of dissatisfaction and arguments.

It's totally normal for past traumatic experiences and unresolved historical issues to come up in a relationship.

It's so important to understand the root causes of arguments, because that's the only way to resolve conflicts and improve your relationship! By improving communication skills, learning conflict resolution strategies, strengthening emotional connections, and fostering mutual understanding, couples can reduce arguments and build a stronger, more harmonious relationship.

Another great way to keep your relationship strong is to communicate more with your husband in your daily lives. Sharing your thoughts and feelings with each other is a wonderful way to reduce arguments caused by misunderstandings or grievances. Mutual respect and understanding are also super important! Try to think from each other's perspective, and you may discover something different.

It's also a good idea to find out which topics or behaviors are most likely to lead to arguments. Then you can prepare a response strategy in advance, or just avoid discussing these topics when you're feeling emotional. It's always good to find areas of agreement in an argument, because it helps build consensus and reduces antagonism.

Sometimes, it's okay to make a little compromise and give a little concession. Think about what the other person is saying and try to find a solution that is good for both of you.

It's so important to remember that no matter what the situation is, both partners should work together, respect their own feelings, evaluate the quality of their marriage, and avoid letting their negative emotions affect the quality of their lives.

I love you, and I wish you all the happiness in the world!

Hi, great question.

Over the past ten years, you may have felt confused, helpless, and like you were struggling to grow as a person in your marriage. You may have also felt resentful. Anyone who has been married for ten years can understand the silent war between husband and wife. Why do couples argue?

What goes wrong before you argue? Let's look at it together.

What are your arguments about?

Arguing is a way of communicating that you are fighting for something and want the other person's attention. One person expresses their needs by "accusing" the other and complaining, "Why don't you treat me like a human being?" The underlying need is, "I hope you can understand me, take care of my feelings, and value me."

The other person seems unable to meet these needs or is intolerant of accusations. They then respond aggressively or avoid the situation.

These are the three common patterns of "demonic dialogue" in relationships: blaming, chasing, and freezing.

Devilish dialogue often occurs when people are vulnerable and need support. If they don't get support, they will vent, repress their emotions, be controlled by emotions they don't understand, say hurtful things, and damage the relationship.

Arguing has a function.

Arguing is ineffective communication. It has two potential functions: to express unmet needs and to vent emotions. If you don't have the energy to argue, you will withdraw and avoid, and the emotions will become colder.

Don't be afraid of an argument. When one arises, listen, understand, and respond positively.

You can learn to communicate your feelings and needs without being violent. The important thing is to love yourself.

I hope it helps.

I'm your neighbor, the potato man. Thanks for listening.

Your question really hits home for a lot of couples, so don't worry! It's totally normal to feel confused and bewildered in a marriage.

It's so common for arguments between couples to have their roots in deep-seated emotional needs and fears that lie hidden beneath anger and alienation. I can imagine how you once felt neglected by your husband. It's possible that your feelings were underpinned by a deep need for intimacy and a fear of abandonment or lack of attention. When you turned your attention inward, your husband began to feel neglected, probably also out of a need for connection and attention in the relationship.

Arguing can be a way of communicating, even if it's not always easy and doesn't always work well. It can help us understand what the other person needs and what we need too.

It's so common for arguments to be a way of externalizing inner conflicts and unresolved emotional distress. Day after day, unconscious fears, wishes, and conflicts can manifest themselves through recurring patterns, such as arguments.

These patterns are often rooted in past experiences and may be related to our basic beliefs about intimacy.

In this journey of marriage, you may find that your expectations for marriage and children have decreased. This could be a self-protection mechanism or an exploration of deeper meaning. However, when two people are at different stages of development in a relationship, there may be a mismatch that can lead to conflict when one person desires more connection while the other is exploring themselves.

Our identity and problems are shaped by the stories we tell ourselves about the past and our expectations for the future. When there's a disagreement between a husband and wife, it can be a sign that they're on different pages.

For example, you've shifted from a role that expects more attention and participation from your husband to one that seeks inner growth and self-care. Your story has changed! However, your husband may still be stuck in the old story frame, and his emotions and behaviors reflect this inconsistency.

Thank you so much for raising these questions!

1. Marital arguments are complex, and there are so many factors that can contribute to them! Things like communication styles, differences in values, unmet emotional needs, changing roles, and the stress of everyday life can all play a part. To understand the source of an argument, it's important to go back to the deeper emotions and needs behind it.

2. When it comes to marital arguments, it's so important to first acknowledge that they can be a reflection of the problems faced by both you and your partner. However, if they're not transformed constructively, arguments can unfortunately lead to the deterioration of the relationship.

I'd like to suggest a few things you might want to think about in this situation.

It's so important to express and explore the emotional needs behind each person's behavior in a safe environment.

It's so important to understand the origins of these conflict patterns and explore how they affect the current dynamic.

- Look for ways to grow personally from an existential humanistic perspective, while chatting with your partner about how you can support each other's growth paths.

Write a new story with your partner, one that includes changed roles, expectations, and dreams.

Finally, couples may need to go through professional marriage counseling to reveal deep emotional dynamics and resolve communication barriers. This is a great way to get some help! A professional counselor can help you explore the root causes of problems, learn new communication skills, and build a relationship that supports each other's growth.

My dear friend, as you and your husband work hard to understand and resolve the issues behind your arguments, I hope you can discover that arguments are not the end of a relationship, but an opportunity to promote its development. May your understanding and love for each other deepen in this process, bringing a more harmonious and fulfilling married life.

I can really feel the depression, anger, powerlessness, helplessness, and distress in the heart of the person who asked the question. It has been so difficult for the couple to get through all these years. From the very beginning, the husband did not treat the questioner as a person, and now the husband feels that the questioner does not treat him as a person. From the occasional quarrels at the beginning, it has gradually developed into physical conflicts. The relationship, position, and communication methods between the two have all undergone significant changes.

I'd love to answer your first question, which was really interesting! It's so interesting how things change. When you started the fight, you were the one who initiated it. But now, it's your husband who starts it. How did that happen? Well, it takes time for things to build up. It takes time for a fight to start. It also takes time for things to happen and for the situation to develop.

If you and your partner don't usually have open, honest conversations, it can be easy to hold back what's on your mind. Over time, this can lead to a lot of pent-up emotions. You might feel like if you don't say it, nothing will happen and it won't affect the relationship between you and your spouse. But the truth is, the opposite is often true. It's so important for both of you to feel heard and understood.

This allows both people in the relationship to understand each other better and to communicate and interact with each other emotionally. When each person's emotional needs are met, they will no longer feel lonely and will feel at ease. The question asker took the initiative to pick quarrels, which in the husband's view was the question asker expressing her inner thoughts and emotions to him. At this time, the question asker's body and mind were with him, and although it was a bit uncomfortable, it also made him feel that he was with the question asker, and the two of them maintained a close relationship. So naturally, he was very happy to accept it.

However, if the questioner stops picking fights but still feels like his emotional needs aren't being met, he might feel lonely and insecure. He might even feel like the questioner is distant from him and that they're drifting apart. This can be really tough to accept. So, when the questioner stops picking fights, the husband will often take the initiative to pick fights in order to keep the questioner and stay together.

Now, let's dive a little deeper into the second question: why do couples argue? I believe that couples argue because they express their deep feelings for each other through this intense verbal exchange. They also use this approach to hide their intense desires, shame, and fear. Arguing is a form of communication, just a more intense way of expressing themselves. The reason for using this approach can also be said to be a need of the couple.

This is a way to express and cover up, rather than using a more moderate and calm expression. However, although this way of expressing emotions for each other will have a great impact on the relationship and hinder its development, it's important to remember that it's only human to feel this way sometimes!

This form of communication is more about sharing and processing emotions. Each partner may feel the other's obvious emotional feelings, but may not receive the emotional satisfaction they need, such as attention, respect, understanding, and care. To put it simply, the two people may become so caught up in arguing and expressing their emotions that they forget what the serious matter they wanted to discuss was. If this happens more often, they may feel more and more annoyed and may increasingly not want to talk to or see the other person.

I have one last question for you: how do you think about couples arguing? I think it's important to face it head on and accept it, but also understand it deeply and correct it. We all argue sometimes, and it's okay! It's a very normal phenomenon that we can't avoid. When it happens, try not to be too anxious and accept the argument.

Then, it's important to think about why you're arguing. Are you arguing just to argue, or is there something else you want to say? If you can recognize this and think about it before it gets out of hand, you can fix it. You can figure out what you really want to say and then say it in a way that's respectful and helpful. That way, you won't need to argue to communicate anymore.

Let's go back to the original question. If you don't want to argue with your husband anymore, it's important to ask yourself: do you want to live together in a stable, friendly, and harmonious way, or do you want to live separately? Having a clear goal in mind before making a decision is really helpful. If you want to live well together, it's a great idea to reflect on yourself, adjust the way you express yourself in words and actions, and improve the emotional relationship between you and your husband.

If you don't want to continue living together and get along, that's okay too! How to decide is up to you, and I'm just sharing my opinion for your reference.

Dear questioner, My name is Duo Duo Lian, and I hope my reply can be of some help to you.

I can sense the challenges you've faced. Living apart from your husband for so many years must have been difficult. You have had to navigate many situations independently. After you ended your time apart, you and your husband began to have occasional disagreements. From verbal confrontations to occasional physical conflicts, and then a period of distance.

Due to the pain you have experienced, you have undergone a transformation. You now place a greater emphasis on inner awareness and personal growth. You have learned to avoid dwelling on trivial matters. As a result of this transformation, your husband has also undergone a change. He was previously avoiding arguments with you, but now he is the one initiating arguments. Competition can be an amazing thing.

It might be helpful to view change as a test of sorts, where your husband's behavior is a way of gauging whether the changes you've made will last. He may be trying to provoke a reaction, perhaps to return you to a previous state. It's understandable that the pain of the past can feel familiar, and it's natural to seek familiarity.

It is often the case that familiarity provides people with a sense of security. Given that your husband is experiencing internal turmoil, it seems that you have effectively taught him to release his stress and calm his emotions. It is encouraging to see that you have managed to remain unaffected by your husband's actions.

This is an example of how a husband-wife relationship can be. This is how you two are linked. After being apart for so many years, it has really not been easy to get to where you are today. Your husband also has his own grievances within, and you can also tell him. You can see how responsible he is, and how much he wants to argue with you, which shows how responsible he is. We all want a harmonious family, and we remind each other of our actions.

It might also be helpful to express your needs. For example, if your husband ignored you in the past, you might have thought he was cold and even felt that you were not good enough. Nowadays, you could tell your husband, "I feel so sorry for you. I can see how much you have suffered. You can express yourself freely and let him speak his mind. This might help him feel a lot better.

I believe that truth is the most powerful thing, and that negative emotions within need to be regularly cleansed. It is my hope that everyone can learn to love themselves, protect themselves, and allow themselves to become love, so that they can treat others correctly and get along with others in harmony.

I hope things work out for you.

Hello!

1. Why do couples argue? What's really going on?

2. What's the best way to handle arguments between a husband and wife?

Maybe a slight change to these two questions would help us understand the problem better?

What's the point of arguing? What are you trying to get off your chest?

It's important to know why you're arguing, otherwise it'll just hurt feelings.

If you're trying to win or lose an argument, chances are you'll end up with a bad result. If you really want to talk about winning or losing, why not have a mini debate so that no feelings will be hurt?

The same goes for right and wrong. When people are arguing and speaking faster than thinking, they'll often ignore what the other person is saying.

The result is that feelings get dumped out without being processed. When the views of both parties are diametrically opposed, it is also a time of conflict. Men and women think differently, which leads to an obstruction of emotional dumping and catharsis between each other, which is prone to internal injury.

To put it another way, a minor disagreement can quickly escalate into a major issue. As the old saying goes, they simply don't see eye to eye on certain matters.

Arguing is a way to release emotions. When we argue, we should focus on the emotional value the other person is putting out, not on how they're feeling about us. If we do, we'll end up saying hurtful things, and neither of us will get what we want.

The worst part is that sometimes the anger you've been holding in will come back to the surface, making it easy to have another argument, and you'll just keep going in a vicious cycle.

So, how do you get around the negative effects of an argument? It's all about paying attention to what the other person is feeling.

Instead of just listening to the accusations, think about the emotions behind the words before you respond.

Another thing to keep in mind is that when you're in an argument, it's important to listen to what the other person is saying in full before you respond. Sometimes, we get so caught up in the heat of the moment that we take things out of context and make things worse.

Arguing might not be the best way to communicate, but it can also help people rethink their conflicts with each other.

Don't be afraid to have a good, old-fashioned argument. And don't ignore the emotional outpouring of the other person. Sometimes we are so eager to solve problems that we resort to the reckless fast food method of arguing.

This is the crux of the problem.

If you have time, record a recent argument. As you write, you'll see what really happened.