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By Anonymous | Published on December 18, 2024
Hello, I'm June.
From your description, it's clear that you feel insecure in a relationship and need your boyfriend to pay attention to you and meet your needs. Otherwise, you feel that he doesn't love you.
1. Powerlessness caused by neglect or excessive attention as a child
Some people are insecure for a reason. It has to do with the strength of one's self.
The reason for the inner emptiness and powerlessness is related to the experience of being raised as a child.
Powerlessness caused by neglect is a real phenomenon.
Those who grow up without a good nurturing environment, with busy parents or grandparents raising them, or with emotionally detached caregivers, will inevitably feel a sense of powerlessness caused by a lack of emotional support.
Some people grow up in a good environment, but they can still suffer from a lack of emotional support. This is caused by a cognitive mismatch between parents and children. For example, imagine a situation:
The child got 95 points on the exam and came home excitedly, showing the report card and saying, "Mom and Dad, I got 95 points." Dad didn't hear it, or if he did, he just said, "Oh." Mom heard it and was extremely worried and nervous: "Why only 95 points?"
"What did I do wrong? I need to get 100%."
Children in such situations often become increasingly powerless, unsure of how to please their parents. This can lead to nervous and neurotic behavior. To gain strength, children will constantly seek reassurance to determine their place in their parents' hearts.
This pattern of behavior will continue into adulthood.
2. Powerlessness caused by excessive attention
It's clear why the sense of powerlessness caused by excessive attention is so common. Many post-90s children are only children, with six or more adults in the family surrounding them during their growth. They're spoiled and protected too much, and they haven't experienced proper frustration education. When they grow up, they become overly dependent.
If you lose attention and care, anxiety will arise.
2. Shift the focus to yourself.
Knowing the reason for our sense of powerlessness is the first step to building our own sense of security and strength. This is how we establish a harmonious and intimate relationship.
Accept yourself and find self-confidence.
A long-lasting relationship is based on mutual self-confidence and independence. If you can attract the other person, it means you are attractive. Know your strengths and specialties.
List all your strengths, whether it's your appearance, body shape, personality, or abilities. Praise and encourage yourself with these details.
2. Accept your partner to build trust.
"For example, if he looks at a young girl on the subway for a few seconds, I will get jealous and start imagining things. If he leans over to look at his phone, I will wonder if he is chatting with another woman, if he is seeing someone else behind my back, or if he already has a girlfriend. Sometimes he treats me badly, and I know he doesn't like me as much as he used to."
From this description, it is clear that you suspect your boyfriend of two things:
(1) You think your boyfriend is unfaithful. He likes to look at beautiful women, and he's probably in two relationships at once.
(2) You think your boyfriend is cheating on you. He either doesn't love you anymore or never did.
These speculations may be unfounded, or they may be true. You need to look for evidence instead of letting your suspicions unsettle you.
First, figure out why you like him. Is he reliable?
He needs to tell you about his love life. You need to find out if you two match up in a worldly sense.
In love, people are often blind. It is therefore a good idea to bring your boyfriend to your best friend or friends to meet. If everyone's comments on your boyfriend are cryptic and vague, it is worth paying attention to it. Your suspicions may not be unfounded.
If everyone has a good opinion of him, then you can be confident that your boyfriend is trustworthy. Try to control your anxiety and unease, give the other person enough space, and avoid over-control that could end the relationship.
3. Accept the possibility of leaving.
I strongly believe that before we start a relationship, we must be prepared for the day when it ends. Everyone is in a different situation, and people who get along especially well at the beginning may gradually drift apart over time.
When we are always able to let go and bless the other person, we will not be sad or upset when the relationship ends. This is how you activate your defense mechanism in advance, building resilience and avoiding being at a loss when hurt comes.
The above is my advice. I welcome your criticism of the theoretical part.
Best regards!
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Comments
I understand your feelings and it's really tough to be in such a place emotionally. It seems like you're dealing with a lot of insecurity which can stem from not feeling good enough or valued. Perhaps focusing on building selfconfidence could help. Try engaging in activities that make you feel accomplished and loved for who you are. Also, open communication with your boyfriend about these feelings might alleviate some of the anxiety.
It sounds like you're going through a challenging time in your relationship. I think it would be beneficial to have an honest conversation with your partner about your feelings. Expressing your fears and insecurities openly can lead to better understanding between both of you. Additionally, consider seeking professional counseling; sometimes talking things out with a therapist can provide strategies to manage these feelings more effectively.
Your concerns are valid, but it's important to remember that everyone has moments of jealousy and suspicion. It might help to focus on yourself and work on boosting your selfesteem. Maybe try journaling your thoughts to understand them better, or practice mindfulness techniques to stay grounded in the present moment. Remember, no one can take away how someone feels about you if your relationship is built on trust and mutual respect.
Feeling jealous and paranoid can really affect a relationship negatively. One thing that might help is setting boundaries for what makes you uncomfortable and discussing them with your boyfriend. It's also crucial to reflect on why you feel this way and perhaps challenge those thoughts by asking yourself if they're based on evidence. Working on trusting yourself and your partner can be a big step forward. Consider also exploring support groups or forums where others share similar experiences, as this can offer comfort and advice.