I'm 31 years old, stay at home with the kids, how can I live a more self-consistent and happier life?

You are a hardworking mother!

From the beginning of a woman's pregnancy to the birth and raising of her child, only a mother can truly understand what she is going through. It is even more challenging when you are a stay-at-home parent, caring for your child 24 hours a day! I'm not sure if you have hired a nanny or a part-time worker to help you out.

If you are the only one dealing with this, it can be overwhelming. It's natural to feel like you're the only one who understands your situation.

When the baby doesn't sleep, the mother's accusations and nagging can make it challenging to maintain a high level of concentration to take care of the baby. It can be difficult to relax when the baby is awake. It's natural to feel uncomfortable, aggrieved, not accepted, and like your value is not being seen. These complex emotions can be difficult to navigate.

If you have the opportunity, perhaps you could give your hardworking mother a hug.

Perhaps the most important thing to consider is that, as your closest partner, you may not have felt as supported, understood, or cared for by your husband during this challenging time as you would have liked.

As a child of your parents, your husband may not fully comprehend your feelings towards his parents. When you express this to him, he might perceive it as an unnecessary fuss.

It's not that he doesn't love you; it's just that he's having a hard time understanding your feelings.

It would be advisable to handle your relationship with your in-laws as well as you can, and if you feel you cannot handle it well, it might be helpful to maintain a certain distance and treat them with courtesy. It is important to avoid taking your feelings out on your husband and affecting your relationship as a couple.

As for your husband, they are actually very busy taking care of the baby most of the time, and they may not even know how to hold the baby at first. It would be ideal for this child to have a somewhat distant relationship with them at first. As the mother who understands the baby the best, you could perhaps help your husband get close to the baby. They will gradually enjoy the closeness with this soft and cuddly baby, and gradually learn to take care of the baby after they come home, so that you can rest!

It would be beneficial to consider creating opportunities for romantic evenings out with your husband, trips to the movies, and sexual intimacy on a regular basis when your baby is a little older. It's not uncommon for women to feel a lack of sexual desire after giving birth.

It is also possible that your attention may be focused on the children, which could result in feelings of resentment and a tendency to withdraw from your husband.

It is a common misconception among women about sex that a harmonious sex life is meaningful and very important for both partners.

Your family unit is comprised of you, your husband, and your children. It is therefore important to consider the views of your in-laws, although it is also crucial to ensure that you do not unduly concern yourself with this matter.

It is important to find a balance between caring for your children and taking care of yourself. When you are in a good mood, it is more likely that your children will be in a good mood too, which will make it easier for you to raise them. This will have a positive impact on their future happiness.

Hello, host! I really hope my answer can help you in some way.

Oh, absolutely! Many of us women can relate to what you're going through. When we first get married and start integrating into our husband's family, it's natural to have some conflicts and differences. I remember feeling the same way you do. I had so many feelings and issues. I was still learning how to navigate relationships and didn't have the inner strength or communication skills I needed. It was a tough time. I felt helpless, a bit depressed, and my in-laws didn't always understand me.

It wasn't until later, when I started studying psychology—marital and family psychology, child education and developmental psychology, and various personal growth courses—that I slowly built up my inner strength and learned how to manage family relationships, how to better promote the development of intimate relationships, and how to get along better with my in-laws.

I'd love to share some of my experiences with you in the hope that they'll be useful for you.

It's so important to accept and respect each other in all good relationships.

I totally get it! At first, I also found it very hard to accept many of my in-laws' ideas. I always felt that they were forcing me to integrate with them. Just like you, I also felt like an outsider. I found that actually many of my friends also felt the same way. So you are not alone. This is a process that we all need to go through.

Later on, I learned something really interesting. There are only three things in this world: your own affairs, other people's affairs, and God's affairs. If we always worry about other people's affairs and God's affairs, it can really get us down. My in-laws' thoughts and actions are other people's affairs. If we want them to change, it can be really tough because if a person doesn't want to change themselves, it can be really hard for other people to change them. Their ideas weren't formed all at once. They were shaped by their upbringing and their living environment over the years.

So, if we don't accept them for who they are, then every time they behave in a way that's just their normal way of doing things, we'll find it a bit off-putting. And they'll never change.

So, it's important to understand that it can be tricky to change others. But the good news is that we can control our own thoughts and behaviors! All we need to do is adjust our expectations and accept others for who they are. Let them have their concerns and thoughts. This way, you won't feel uncomfortable every time they behave a certain way because you'll know that's just who they are. And when you can truly accept and respect them, they'll be more willing to listen to you too!

2. The best way to build a great relationship is through open and honest communication.

I'm not sure if you've had the chance to talk to your husband and in-laws about these feelings. It's so important to share our feelings with those close to us, otherwise we can end up stuck in a cycle that isn't good for us.

When your husband asks what's wrong with you, if we just sulk, he won't know why we're angry. This means the next time he'll still do something that makes you angry. So in a relationship, we must communicate and express ourselves sincerely.

For example, next time you're not feeling well and your husband asks what's wrong, you can honestly express your feelings: "I'm so sorry, I just now felt sad, uncomfortable, and a little aggrieved when I heard it. I really need your understanding and recognition of me. I need your care and attention, not your accusations and criticisms. In the future, when something like this happens, can you say to me..." (say what you want him to do specifically) "

If you can express your true feelings and your precise needs and requests without criticizing or blaming the other person, and then, ideally, invite the other person to express their needs and requests, how they feel, you'll be amazed at how much better and closer your relationship will become! You'll also understand and know each other better.

3. Learn to care for yourself and constantly improve yourself, my friend.

Looking back now, I realize that I cared so much about what my in-laws and husband thought of me and whether they were satisfied with the way I was raising the children because I lacked inner strength. That was the core reason. I was therefore especially eager for their acceptance and recognition of me, and especially hoped that they could tolerate and understand me. In fact, it was because I didn't accept and recognize myself enough.

Later on, as I kept learning and growing, I stopped worrying about whether they would recognize me. In fact, they now listen to me because what I say makes sense and is indeed effective and useful! Most importantly, I have become very independent, which means I can take good care of myself. Whether it is my body, my emotions, trivial matters at home, or anything else, I can handle it all very well, and I don't need their affirmation and permission like I did back then.

So, when you learn to care for yourself, take care of yourself, and constantly improve your abilities, your inner strength will become stronger and stronger. You will no longer let their negativity affect your emotions. Of course, this is not easy. From my own experience, there is really a lot that we need to learn and grow. So, if you ask me how to make yourself happy and content, I personally think that constantly learning and growing is a very important point.

I've learned so much from you! I'm happier and more myself now than I was before. I've learned how to manage my emotions, educate my children at home, communicate effectively, and manage my relationships.

Thanks to these studies, we've learned so much about ourselves and how to deal with the little worries that life throws our way. For instance, when it comes to emotions, we can first take a step back and see why we're feeling a certain way, adjust our beliefs, and accept all our emotions. We can recognize that each emotion serves a purpose and that it's okay to feel whatever we're feeling. Instead of suppressing our emotions, we can find ways to let them out in a healthy way (like writing, talking, or exercising).

These are all really great ways to learn to take care of yourself. There's a saying that goes, "Take care of yourself first, and then you'll be able to take care of others." So, it's really important to learn to care for yourself. If you don't know how to do that now, you can start by learning to take care of your feelings and emotions, for example, by expressing them in various ways.

It's true! When we face a lot of challenges, it's actually a chance for us to learn and grow. These difficulties are like little reminders that we need to keep growing. The more we learn and grow, the more we'll be able to overcome all kinds of challenges in our lives. And as the years go by and we grow older, we'll feel more and more at peace with ourselves.

I really hope this has been helpful for you. Sending you lots of love and best wishes!

Dear Question Asker,

It is challenging to provide guidance on your postpartum depression in a brief, 300-word description. Nevertheless, I hope to have an opportunity to speak with you further and explore additional options when you experience negative emotions or contemplate divorce.

[Your role as a mother is not your sole identity at this time.]

From the text, it is evident that you are the primary caregiver for your child, with the responsibility of providing care at home for the past 15 months. During the day, you prioritize the care of your child, and only at night or after your child falls asleep do you allow yourself to experience negative emotions.

From the time your baby was born and could only cry, to the present when he or she may be walking with support and calling out in an unintelligible voice, you have invested a significant amount of time and energy, and have demonstrated a high level of commitment to your role as a mother. Therefore, if someone has a different opinion, even if they are just expressing some concerns out of their dedication to the wellbeing of the baby, it may be perceived as a criticism of your abilities as a mother.

It may be helpful to temporarily step away from the role of mother. You can maintain your identity as a wife, daughter, and friend.

[Open up, communicate honestly, and eliminate misunderstandings]

[Open up, communicate honestly, and eliminate misunderstandings]

Furthermore, you indicated that your in-laws are agreeable and that the issue is likely one of differing values. It may therefore be beneficial to engage in further discussion with them regarding child-rearing. As the biological mother, you have the right to express your own ideas, and the support of your family is there to assist you in caring for your child.

From your description, it appears that your husband may have difficulty understanding your thoughts and needs, particularly in mediating relationships between mothers-in-law and daughters-in-law. His concern for you is often expressed through questions like "What's wrong with you?" and "What's the matter with you?," which convey a sense of powerlessness due to his lack of knowledge on how to comfort you.

[A sense of boundaries is a form of protection]

It appears that you would like to become more integrated into your husband's original family. You have indicated that you feel like an outsider and that you are unable to integrate effectively. Concurrently, you have also stated that his parents do not even have your parents' WeChat, which suggests that you not only hope to become more integrated yourself, but also want your parents to become more integrated as well.

However, your husband's parents are his original family, your parents are your original family, and now that you and your husband have formed a new family, you are your baby's original family. The sense of boundaries between these families ensures their independence from each other and also protects them from intrusion.

Ultimately, it is my hope that the poster will prioritize her own well-being and that of her infant on a daily basis.

Everyone has something to contribute, whether they're asking questions or answering them. Through words, they can help more people see things differently, and this is the energy we share.

Hello, I'm Xin Tan, Coach Fei Yun here. I get it. You feel like an outsider in your in-laws' home. You want to be seen and respected, and you want to integrate into this family. But inside, you feel rejected. You also hope that they can integrate into your original family (parent relationship).

As a woman, I can relate to how you feel. I remember that for many years after getting married, especially during the holidays, when the family would get together for dinner, and they would be talking about old stories (stories from the past that I didn't know about), it made me feel even more like an outsider. One time, I couldn't take it anymore and I "criticized" them, telling them to also take care of my feelings, and that we should talk about topics that I also know about.

Even when it comes to raising and educating our daughter, some of the things my mother-in-law says make me sensitive and vulnerable. It always makes me feel like I'm not her real mother. Also, when we lived with my in-laws, whenever my husband and I had a fight, all kinds of grievances would well up inside me. It made me feel like no one loves their child as much as their own. That's when I made up my mind to buy a house and move out!

After that, they started living separately, and things improved for the couple and their family.

Let's look at the issues that make the daughter-in-law feel aggrieved.

1. There's no need to compare and contrast. We all bring our own views to marriage and family.

Marriage is a two-person thing, but a happy marriage needs three stages of adjustment: the interests and hobbies of the two people, the living habits of the two people, and the adjustment of the two families/clans.

You've been married for four years and have a complete family, which means the first two stages of integration have gone well. As you said, with different views from your in-laws, it's only natural to experience various kinds of discomfort when entering a "new family," such as the integration of family relationships and the establishment of interaction patterns.

It's important to remember that your parents have raised you for over 20 years. They know you inside out, including your temper, character, habits, and interests. They even know when your hair is going to fly off! As the saying goes, "no one knows their daughter better than her mother." And "unconditional love" comes from spending time together, gaining understanding and trust, and having harmonious interactions.

We tend to bring the love and care we received from our parents into our marriages. When we judge, it creates a sense of "separation," which makes us feel aggrieved and angry.

There aren't any major issues between the husband and wife or with the in-laws. It's just that their living habits, ways of thinking, and levels of understanding are different, which leads to different views, opinions, and feelings about people and things.

"Attention will be strengthened." When we have the thought "I am an outsider" in our hearts, our brain will "automatically" search for evidence to prove that "I am an outsider." This is our brain's need for "rationalization."

This is also our "defense" mechanism, a way to protect ourselves from harm. It's like wearing several layers of armor, which prevents others from invading, but while the armor is "protecting" us, it also hinders the entry of something good, such as various relationships and connections with others.

2. Remove your protective gear and improve communication and interactions with your family.

When we're feeling aggrieved and emotional, what we really need is the care and support of our partner. In a marriage, women want to feel secure, valued and cared for by their men.

We hope they can "see" the needs behind our emotions. If your partner comforts you in this way, you'll definitely feel differently. "I know you feel aggrieved today because your mother said those things to you, which hurt your love for the child. As a mother yourself, you should be able to understand and feel that my expression wasn't targeted and that I also love the child dearly."

In this sentence, he sees the good intentions behind his mother's words, while also paying attention to your emotions. Most importantly, he acts as a good emotional link between you and your mother-in-law (translator).

However, men, especially Chinese men, rarely express themselves this way. Even if they feel it, they won't express it in a "sour and miserable" way because Chinese people are reserved when it comes to expressing their emotions. But please believe that they understand.

When you find yourself in a similar situation again, remember that your in-laws and partner are just expressing themselves as they would at home. They're not trying to be confrontational. When you feel emotional, communicate with your family in a timely manner and learn to express your views and feelings directly.

"Mom, when you said that just now, it made me feel like I'm not your biological child. I know you love me too, it's just that you and I love in different ways." Say this like a joke, and the next time your mother-in-law will pay attention to the way she talks.

In-laws are also relatives, and even if they are half-siblings, they should still get along and visit each other. You don't have to worry about this. Your elders know more about human relationships. Older people don't use their phones as much as younger people. 6. Manage your family and marriage with care, and take good care of yourself and your children.

When you have some free time, you can listen to some relaxing music and try meditation to help you become more mindful, love yourself, and connect with others. I truly believe that every daughter-in-law goes through this stage, where they let go of the outside world and turn their attention inward.

I hope the above has given you a new perspective and some more choices. And I just wanted to say that I love you and the world loves you too.

If you want to keep chatting, just click "Find a coach" in the top right or bottom of the page. I'll be in touch and we can grow together one-on-one.

Hello, question asker. I hope this message finds you well. I wanted to reach out and offer you a chance to chat after reading your question.

The challenges of raising a child, navigating relationships with in-laws, and seeking understanding from your husband can all contribute to feelings of fatigue and frustration.

I empathize with the challenges of raising a child alone. It can be a demanding experience, both physically and mentally. It can feel as if you're losing a part of yourself.

For a 15-month-old child, the caregiver is integrated with the infant. You are him/her, he/she is you. You have to take care of the child: when he/she is hungry, you have to feed him/her; when he/she is thirsty, you have to give him/her water; when he/she is tired, you have to let him/her rest; when he/she is happy, you have to play with him/her... When the child falls asleep late at night, you are returned to your old self, but you are also exhausted.

Secondly, if your in-laws are supportive and your husband is understanding, it may help to alleviate some of the fatigue you are experiencing. However, it seems that things did not turn out as you had hoped. It appears that your in-laws are not entirely at ease with you and that they treat you like an outsider. Your husband is not as considerate as you would like, which has led to some uncomfortable moments and even thoughts of divorce. This seems like a challenging situation.

It might be helpful to consider that this environment and your own emotional state could potentially be less conducive to raising a child. Raising and growing up with a child is a big deal, a very important thing, so it might be beneficial to adjust your emotional state from the perspective of benefiting the child's growth.

While it is undoubtedly challenging to raise children, there are also many joyous aspects to it. The sight of bright eyes, rosy cheeks, innocence, and straightforwardness often brings a sense of happiness to their mothers.

It is also a great source of joy to witness their growth and transformation. It would be beneficial to cultivate an attitude of gratitude and enjoyment when spending time with your child.

It would be beneficial to communicate with your in-laws, maintain your boundaries, speak your mind, be honest with them, and trust that you will eventually gain their trust.

Your husband plays an important role in your relationship with your in-laws. It might be helpful to communicate more with him and let him understand that a stable family depends on a harmonious relationship between husband and wife.

Perhaps it would be helpful to remind him that he is married with his own family and children, and that it is important for him to be independent and have a sense of boundaries with his original family, in order to help his husband grow.

It is important to love yourself, as a mother, daughter-in-law, wife, and also as yourself.

In addition to raising children, it would be beneficial to consider ways of enriching your own life. You may wish to consider incorporating occasional moments of pleasure, reading, listening to jokes, and embracing a more beautiful and diverse lifestyle.

I would like to take this opportunity to wish you, your family, and your children the very best for the future.

Dear author, As a mother myself, I empathize with your situation and can relate to the feelings of helplessness, low self-worth, and the desire for attention and recognition that you have expressed.

I will now proceed to analyze this issue that bothers you, combining my own thoughts.

1. With regard to the in-laws:

The phrase "You feel like part of the family, but I feel like an outsider" may initially appear disheartening, yet it may, in fact, reflect a reality.

We married into a family because we were united in love with our husband. However, this does not automatically confer family status upon us in the eyes of his parents. The reason for this is that we lack an emotional foundation and the bond of blood ties. A relationship based solely on being connected to a man and his children is inherently unstable.

It may be advisable to adjust our expectations and treat him as an ordinary elderly person. This approach may help to reduce disappointment.

Additionally, there is a possibility that we may hold disparate views regarding family values and be inclined to prioritize specific aspects of life, which could potentially lead to a sense of alienation.

It is important to note that at this juncture, it may be necessary to prioritize one's own needs while maintaining respect for the in-laws' perspectives. This could entail, for instance, paying closer attention to dietary preferences or living habits.

In this manner, one may experience a reduction in feelings of resentment when offering assistance.

2. Childcare

From your written account, it appears that the primary source of conflict in your small family unit may be the children.

The issue of the child has led to a breakdown in trust between your husband's parents and your husband, which has in turn led to feelings of worthlessness and unrecognition on your part.

Firstly, it is important to note that when a child is young, the mother is typically the primary caregiver and therefore possesses the greatest understanding of the child's needs. Consequently, concerns about one's ability to care for the child adequately or the influence of external opinions are largely unwarranted.

A further point to consider is that the in-laws are two generations apart, which inevitably gives rise to conflicts over parenting values. This is due to the fact that the education they received and the parenting styles they were exposed to are too different. The elderly tend to believe in experience, whereas the young believe in science.

However, it is important to note that, in the majority of cases, individuals involved in such disagreements are ultimately seeking to ensure the best outcome for the child. It is only when emotions run high that such disagreements can result in a power struggle or a fight for affection.

If one can engage in a calm discussion from the perspective of what is best for the child, many conflicts can be resolved.

Nevertheless, it is possible that no individual is willing to assume the role of the first speaker. Should one be willing to take the initiative, it would be preferable to maintaining silence.

From the child's perspective, it is preferable to have a secure family environment devoid of conflict, rather than a situation where one parent's approach is perceived as superior to the other's. Therefore, the impact of family disagreements may be more detrimental than the immediate consequences of a particular incident on the child.

In the context of my marriage,

Regardless of one's circumstances, the relationship with one's spouse is of paramount importance. Given the origins of our children, our attention is understandably focused on them, which can result in a slight neglect of our husbands.

This may also impact my husband's energy levels, potentially limiting his capacity for tolerance and care towards us.

Furthermore, the relationship between a husband and wife can be seen as a reflection of one's own state of mind. The grievances expressed by one's spouse may serve as a reminder that one's own energy levels may be lacking and that self-care is essential.

The question thus arises as to what can be done in such circumstances.

First and foremost, it is imperative to prioritize self-care.

Regardless of the approach taken, it is imperative to prioritize self-care and self-awareness. When experiencing fatigue, stress, or significant mood fluctuations, it is crucial to engage in activities that promote comfort and happiness.

It is only when an individual has sufficient inner energy that they are able to give to others. Given the importance of self-care, it is particularly crucial for those who love their children very much to prioritise their own wellbeing.

Secondly, it is possible to discern the limitations of others.

My husband and my in-laws exhibit limitations that are a result of their upbringing within their respective families. Consequently, their behavior and speech patterns are characterized by elements that are perceived as unreasonable by others. Additionally, they display a sense of helplessness and a tendency to perceive themselves as pitiful.

Such observations may engender greater tolerance.

Thirdly, this can facilitate personal growth.

Frequently, individuals engage in excessive thinking due to the availability of leisure time. If the questioner is able to enhance their quality of life, for instance by pursuing employment, undertaking part-time work, or commencing studies, they will experience a sense of fulfilment.

The overall state of mind will be significantly enhanced.

One possible starting point for the questioner would be to read books on psychology. By improving one's thinking and outlook, one can gain a greater appreciation for the beauty in life.

I am Lai Lai, a student of psychology. It is my hope that my response will provide you with a modicum of solace.

Hello!

After giving birth, the OP stayed home to take care of her baby and her husband's baby. She felt her in-laws didn't understand her or treat her with respect.

With a baby, you don't sleep well. You have to take care of the baby and respond to its needs. You take the baby with you as it grows up.

You will be tired.

Your health is important, and a good mood helps you stay healthy.

Go with the questioner, face your problems, and try to feel better.

Your husband supports you. When he asks who's bothering you, it sounds impatient. You want a kind greeting that shows you understand and care.

You need help, but your husband can't give it.

Dealing with your in-laws will be difficult. You will be careful and worried about showing your emotions.

You'll always think about what your in-laws think of you.

You're making sacrifices to meet these expectations.

The questioner sighed and thought, "I'm a problem in this family."

You want to be cared for and feel secure.

You are not a problem! This is a chance to think about yourself.

The questioner can find part-time jobs online.

Find a field where you can use your strengths. This will make you happy.

The original poster said there's no WeChat between her husband's family and her own. So, it's worth thinking about whether adding WeChat would affect your life. You might be asked about small things in your life a lot, or you might be asked about taking care of your baby.

Not getting praise from the four elders can make people feel lost.

So, let's try to take care of ourselves. Soothe our emotions, face our husband's impatience, and express our needs.

Sometimes, negative emotions make people feel like no matter what they do, it will be wrong. They feel confused and helpless. But emotions are waiting for you to listen. They want you to stretch yourself and embrace yourself.

Respect yourself.

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