I'm confused, not sure whether I should try to save this relationship?

Dear Question Asker, I hope you will find this message supportive and helpful.

You are motivated to understand his perspective, yet you find it challenging to adapt. You comprehend the underlying cause of his aggression. In fact, each time you engage in a disagreement, he reverts to a state of vulnerability and helplessness. His statements are illogical because he is in a mood. When a person is in a mood, his emotional brain dominates, and the "fight-or-flight" mode is activated. At that time, he is focused on how to attack or how to escape because this is an instinctive way to protect himself. What I mean is that what is said in a mood cannot be taken too seriously because he cannot control what he will say. Effective communication requires that both parties are in a rational and calm state, and that there are plans for future conflicts so that you can be less uncomfortable in future conflicts and you can also practice how to communicate more deeply and establish a deeper connection, which is especially important for the stability of your relationship.

I advise you to:

1. It is important to understand the reason behind his behavior. Why does he tend to solve problems by avoiding confrontation?

This is largely influenced by his childhood experiences. During their formative years, children crave emotional responses, as a lack of emotional engagement can be perceived as neglect. However, if they lack emotional expressiveness in their upbringing, if their father is silent and uncommunicative, or if their mother is overbearing and controlling, their emotional needs may go unmet. Initially, they may seek confrontation to elicit a response, but repeated frustration can lead to a loss of confidence and the development of defensive mechanisms, such as emotional repression. By understanding the impact of his upbringing, you can gain insight into his current behaviour.

When an emotional reaction becomes habitual, it becomes challenging for an individual to directly express their feelings when faced with conflict. Instead, they may avoid the situation by not responding, hoping that the problem will resolve itself. If the other party is tolerant and accepting, it may be possible to ease the situation. However, if the other party also lacks a sense of security and is expecting a response and connection, this avoidance method may make the other party feel rejected and even fear and pain of being abandoned. Instead, they may desperately want to maintain the relationship. At this time, it may often take the form of active aggression, such as complaining, blaming, or even name-calling. However, the more the other party does this, the more the other party may choose to avoid, and slowly their interest may also wane. It is likely that both parties may fall into a cold war.

However, I can see that you are actually quite stable. If you can identify the vulnerability behind his attacks and accusations, recognize that he lacks confidence in the relationship and a desire for love, and if you can provide him with sufficient love and trust while maintaining the belief that you can consistently move forward together, I believe he will gradually change as well.

2. Effective communication requires selecting the optimal time and approach.

As previously stated, when both parties are in the midst of an emotional outburst, effective communication is unfeasible. This is akin to two wild animals engaged in combat: it is an intense, irrational, and ineffective mode of communication.

However, people require rational communication and love. This expression of love and rational communication can only occur when both parties are in a calm emotional state. Therefore, communication must be timed appropriately. In other words, communication must be carried out when both parties are in a calm emotional state. When one party is in the midst of an emotional outburst, the other party can maintain a distance and recognize that it is futile to communicate with them when they are in the midst of an emotional outburst. They should also understand that their emotions will not last forever and that they will calm down after a while. If they confront them head-on, it will only result in both parties entering an emotional whirlpool, which will have a greater negative impact on the relationship.

Furthermore, communication requires a method that is free of judgment or accusation. If one party begins to judge or accuse, the other party will activate their defense mechanism (either fight or flee), which will in turn trigger a new argument and an emotional response from both parties. Without judgment or accusation, it is important to express feelings, needs, and requests to the other person in a clear and concise manner.

It is therefore recommended that both parties clarify their feelings when angry, identify unmet needs, and request assistance from the other party. Once these issues have been addressed, communication can resume, fostering deeper understanding and appreciation, which in turn enhances trust in the relationship.

In the event of an attack, it is important to understand your own feelings and needs.

It is important to determine what you would like him to do specifically. Listen to his feelings, needs, and specific requests, negotiate with each other, and identify ways to improve your approach the next time you encounter such a situation. For instance, he may say that he is not loving you when he is aggressive with you, but he also may be unable to control himself. He may hope that when he is aggressive with him, you will take the initiative to leave, go about your business, maintain a certain distance, and wait until his emotions calm down before communicating again.

I suggest you read the following texts: "It Turns Out That Understanding Is More Important Than Love," "Nonviolent Communication," and "Managing Intimate Relationships."

Please refer to the above for your information. Best regards,

The wonderful thing about growing and changing is that it allows us to truly love others. If the other person isn't able to grow and change together with us, resolve conflicts, and improve the relationship, it might be best to move on.

To truly love others is to wish them happiness and to mentally accept, forgive, and forgive everyone, the outstanding, the ordinary people, including the weak. If there are mistakes or shortcomings, then they can be corrected. Everyone has the right to happiness, no matter how close or distant the relationship is, whether it is right or wrong, gain or loss. We all hope that others can be happy and get better and better. People can bring mutual comfort and even joy to each other. It is good to love and accept others and oneself, to tolerate shortcomings and lack of ability, and to be kind at heart. That is, to be beneficial to others or society, not to dislike or reject ordinary people, not to be jealous or intolerant of outstanding people.

If you don't get along with most people, it can lead to negative energy and emotional problems. But don't worry! You can easily correct your energy field to find and have a loving and suitable relationship and career. You can also share and exchange what you see, hear, think, feel, or are interested in with others in real life and on the Internet, such as Douban communities.

And don't forget to love your life and be happy with the little things!

It's so important to take care of your body, because your physical health affects your mental health too. Treating yourself to a bit of self-care can be a great way to give your body a full-body massage. You can give your head a lovely head massage with deep, firm strokes, and you can also give your stomach a nice, firm massage with a massage brush. Just make sure you don't give your stomach a massage on an empty stomach, and then go for a walk.

If you have negative emotions, thoughts, or behaviors, you might feel uncomfortable physically or mentally. You might also encounter unhappy people and things, interpersonal conflicts, relationship and marriage problems (which can affect your magnetic field), and even problems in your academic or career life. This is because when you are too self-centered or pursue self-interest, you accumulate a lot of negative energy. The more self-centered you are, the more your magnetic field will be out of sync with other people's. But don't worry! You can learn how to truly love others and adapt to people and things, so as to correct your energy field, resolve conflicts, improve your emotions and interpersonal relationships, and better solve the above problems. In addition, if you know how to truly love the people and things in the world, you will not be too attached to love, and you will be able to alleviate negative emotions such as separation anxiety and pain. You will not feel lacking inside, and you will be able to feel happiness. And that's how you can make your life truly fulfilling and meaningful!

If needed, they can also help those around them grow and change together.

Everyone is different, so excessive self-centeredness can manifest in different ways. It could be that you're motivated to pursue self-satisfaction, or you might be striving for self or repressing self-deprecation to please others. Maybe you blindly give in to gain something, or you're afraid of losing something. You might disregard the gains and losses of self-interest and emotions. If you're too narcissistic or inferior, you might pay too much attention to yourself. This could generate stress and worry, or you might have social phobia. You might be caught up in your own emotions and thoughts. You might attach too much importance to what others think of you. You might not accept your own shortcomings and deficiencies. You might force yourself to be perfect. You might be obsessive, controlling, or possess others or force others to satisfy you. You might otherwise resent and be discontent. You might be unable to let go of yourself to forgive and forgive. You might brood.

If you only focus on yourself, you might find yourself feeling anxious, depressed, and tired. You might even find it difficult to adapt to the people and things in your school or workplace environment. But if you truly love others and adapt to people and things, you'll naturally look down on the self and restore positive energy.

In short, do your best, have good intentions, and treat others with kindness and respect because nobody wants to suffer.