I'm in my first relationship, and my boyfriend has been in two before. Does that sometimes make me feel uncomfortable?

Hello!

I'm a mindfulness coach. Learning is a treasure.

From your description, I can tell you are uncomfortable, irritable, in pain, and helpless.

You're worried because you're in your first relationship and your boyfriend has been in two before. I have three pieces of advice for you:

First, accept your state.

It will make your heart feel slightly easier, which will help you think about what to do next.

You say that you are in your first relationship, and your boyfriend has had two previous relationships, which makes you feel uncomfortable. You constantly check to see if he is still in touch with his exes, and you bring up his exes many times during arguments. You feel bad when you hear him say that he treats you the same way as he treated his exes. You know that he really loves you now, but you still feel uncomfortable because of his past relationships. This is normal. Everyone wants to be the only, special and important person in the other person's heart. Try to understand yourself and accept your current state. Thinking about your uncomfortable, painful self will give you extra mental energy to think about other things. Otherwise, your mind will be filled with negative emotions.

The only way to change things is to accept yourself. It may sound strange, but it's true.

Secondly, think about your own state rationally.

Rational thinking helps you understand yourself and reality.

To rationalize, do the following:

He has a history of relationships. You can't change that. You can only accept it.

Maybe you feel bad because you think he should have no romantic history. You can't change this, so you need to accept it.

Your boyfriend loves you for who you are. He has been in love before.

He loves you, even though he's been in two other relationships.

This is to help you understand that what's important is that he loves you. It's probably because of his previous relationships that he'll love you well and decide to be with you. Practice makes perfect when it comes to love.

See the good in his love history.

When you think about it rationally, your negative emotions might go away.

Focus on yourself and think about what you can do to feel better.

When you think about your own situation, you may know what to do. At this point, focus on yourself and try your best.

If you feel uncomfortable, talk to him. This will show you how much he loves you and help you feel better.

Don't bring up his previous relationship or doubt him. It's not good for your relationship. Who wants to be doubted and have to explain themselves every day? Stop.

Tell yourself he has a history of relationships, but now he loves you. This will make you feel better and focus your attention on the present.

Think about ways to make your relationship better. The more you love each other, the more comfortable you will feel. Plan your future together, cook together, etc. Spend more time together. You can do something to improve the situation.

Taking action helps you feel better.

I hope this helps. Click "Find a coach" at the bottom to talk to me one-on-one.

Hello, sweetheart! After reading your question, I'd like to give you a big, warm hug (づ ●─● )づ.

I really feel that the problem between you and your boyfriend is probably just a lack of communication in the "language of love"! It's like if two people want to communicate normally, they must first be able to "communicate in the same language." Otherwise, if you speak "English" and I speak "Chinese," we won't be able to communicate!

It's the same with relationships. We all have different life experiences, and that means we all have our own "language of love." If you want to maintain your relationship and live together, it's really important to be able to communicate in the "language of love"!

It seems like your boyfriend feels that you kiss each other too many times a day. To you, this kind of kissing is essentially a "language of love." You feel that this is your way of showing your love for your boyfriend! Unfortunately, your boyfriend seems unhappy about this, which makes you feel that he is "rejecting" your love.

Oh, and he has a former girlfriend, and he even follows her on Weibo (and he hasn't told you the truth yet, because he's "afraid you'll be angry"). He also feels "good" about the fact that "a celebrity is dating his ex from 20 years ago." All of this makes you feel like you might be [abandoned] in the future, and it makes you feel very insecure. I can see how that would make you feel, sweetheart.

So, let me summarize for you. Your boyfriend's "language of love" can be boiled down to three main points: 1. frequent intimate contact with your boyfriend; 2. monopolizing your boyfriend and forbidding him to "remain attached" to his ex; 3. being honest with you. And, honestly, these are all reasonable requests!

However, each of us is a signal transmitter and a signal receiver. It doesn't matter what signal a person transmits, but what signal is received by others is what matters! Maybe the above-mentioned languages of love are very applicable to you, but have you ever thought about whether he can receive these languages from you?

Or maybe you're on the same wavelength as him?

For example, it was your boyfriend who said that you had "kissed too many times a day, too many times." It seems that in his mind, you and he can kiss, after all, this is also a kind of language of love, which is universal to all mankind! What he dislikes is just "too many times." From this point alone, in his eyes, even expressions of love need to be "appropriate" and "maintain a certain distance," otherwise too much so-called love will only make him feel "controlled" and "stressed."

Another example is that your boyfriend was afraid to tell you that he'd followed his ex-girlfriend because he cares about you and your feelings. It's a good thing he's honest with you!

So, after taking a good look at the situation, it seems that your boyfriend's way of showing love is: 1. giving him space and not prying; and 2. expressing love in a way that's comfortable for him and doesn't make him feel pressured.

I still remember what my wonderful psychological counselor said: "Whoever is anxious, adjusts; whoever is suffering, changes." You are feeling a little uncomfortable now, so it is you, not him, who should change and adjust!

I really think that what you can do now is to try to adopt the attitude of "no arguments, no interference, no control"! Let me put it this way:

It's totally normal to feel jealous and angry when he pays attention to and mentions his ex! It can feel like you're competing for his affection with his ex, right?

I think you might be giving his ex-girlfriend a bit too much credit! To put it another way, if a relationship requires you to fight for it, even if you win, do you think you can keep it?

This is something you really need to watch out for! It's the same with your boyfriend. Take a good look at your feelings for him and see if you're really loving him or yourself.

And don't forget to notice whether your boyfriend makes you feel warm and loved in other ways too!

Believe me, when you really figure these things out, your boyfriend will naturally stop paying attention to his ex!

I wish you the best of luck!

Greetings,

The host

A careful reading of the post reveals a palpable sense of discomfort and unease emanating from the poster's heartfelt sentiments. It is noteworthy that the poster has demonstrated courage in articulating his distress and has actively sought assistance, a decision that will undoubtedly facilitate a deeper understanding of himself and his relationship with his boyfriend.

Therefore, it is advisable to implement beneficial modifications.

Subsequently, I will present my observations and thoughts in the aforementioned post, which may assist the original poster in contemplating the situation from an alternative perspective.

1. It would be beneficial to ascertain the underlying emotions that are causing the discomfort.

Our feelings serve as conduits to our inner selves, and thus, they can be utilized to gain insight into and comprehend our hearts. In the original poster's post, she stated that when her boyfriend provoked her anger, she would assert that he did not love her sufficiently.

My boyfriend kissed his ex-girlfriend too frequently, which has negatively impacted my self-esteem. This information leads me to believe that the original poster may be experiencing feelings of jealousy, insecurity, and low confidence. Is this an accurate assumption?

It is not uncommon for individuals in romantic relationships to experience feelings of jealousy and insecurity. This is often due to factors such as possessiveness and exclusivity. In the context of a new relationship, it is natural for the individual in the relationship to feel a sense of ownership over their partner. This can lead to feelings of discomfort when the partner feels that their previous relationship has a greater claim on them.

A slight lack of self-confidence may manifest as a lack of self-assurance, a sense of doubt in one's abilities, or a perception that one is not worthy of one's partner's complete affection. It may also stem from a belief that one is not physically attractive enough or that one does not possess the qualities that would make one a desirable partner.

2. Prioritize the present moment

It is not possible to alter the events of the past. What if one does not feel positive about them?

It is not possible to alter the past. What, then, will be the consequence of allowing one's discomfort to dissipate and engaging in persistent criticism of one's partner?

I believe the original poster has experienced this, and that it is a factor that may impede the development of the relationship.

As I understand it, this will have an adverse effect on the present, thereby impairing our ability to enjoy the present.

Indeed, it is possible to focus on the present moment and thereby enhance one's enjoyment of the relationship and one's life. It may be argued that one's boyfriend belongs to one, and thus one has the right to direct one's attention to the present.

It is important to note that your boyfriend is currently in your arms. Focusing on the present will be more beneficial to the relationship.

In the case of instances that cause distress and negatively impact one's self-esteem, it may be equally beneficial to receive a kiss in return.

3. Establish rules collaboratively

It is inevitable that events from the past will remain fixed in time. However, it is also beneficial to engage in open communication and establish a set of agreed-upon rules to guide future interactions.

One might inquire as to the nature of a relationship between a man and his former romantic partner. Such a relationship can be quite unsettling.

It would be advisable for the poster to communicate with her boyfriend, express her feelings and thoughts, and then formulate a rule that is acceptable to both parties.

For example, if one is unable to accept that one's partner has contact with their former romantic interest, particularly if said former romantic interest is present, it can cause significant distress. Therefore, it may be beneficial to discuss with one's partner the possibility of ending contact with said former romantic interest.

In the event of an encounter, the individual in question should be present. In the case of a reconciliation between a former romantic partner and their current partner, is there a set of guidelines in place to govern such a reunion?

As an illustration, they refrain from direct, in-person contact, as is often the case with online interactions. They avoid discussing ordinary topics, and these are matters that can be negotiated and agreed upon by both parties.

It is crucial to recognize that the discussion was initiated and not imposed. It is essential to consider the perspectives of one's partner and to engage in a constructive dialogue, rather than acting in a manner that is solely driven by personal inclination.

However, the fundamental principle is to adhere to the established rule. It is essential to prioritize the crucial aspects of the matter at hand.

Fourthly, it is important to learn new ways of communicating.

I observed a recent news article mentioning the reconciliation of Da S and her former romantic partner. The latter's demeanor was notably affectionate.

The original poster responded that they could not feel positive about the situation. I can comprehend the original poster's sentiments and emotions.

The reality, however, is that one cannot exert control over the thoughts of others. In some instances, attempts to prevent a person from thinking about a particular thing may, in fact, result in that person dwelling on the topic even more.

For example, if I were to request that you refrain from contemplating the image of the little red elephant at this moment, it is possible that you may still have that image in your mind. Consequently, there may be a more optimal method for communication.

The poster may wish to consider employing alternative communication strategies, such as those outlined in Nonviolent Communication.

In addition to Qing Yin's "High Emotional Intelligence Communication," these resources can assist the original poster in effectively conveying her thoughts and feelings to her boyfriend, thereby fostering a more harmonious relationship.

It is my hope that these suggestions will prove beneficial and inspiring to the original poster. I am a psychological coach at One Mind.

Should you have any further questions, you are invited to click on the link to find a coach with whom you can communicate further.

Hello, dear questioner!

You say you were his first love, and I can tell from your question that you value your boyfriend and this relationship very much. It's great that you have such high expectations of love!

This is a totally normal psychological state! We all want to feel like we're the only one for our partner. It's the expectation that most of us have for the ideal love.

We hope that our relationship is a blank slate before we meet, and that we are the ones to open up the other person's emotions and hold their hand as they grow old with us. But the reason it is an expectation is because the reality is difficult to achieve — and that's what makes it exciting!

Even if we are each other's first love, we may not necessarily get married, or we may split up after getting married. Some people say, "I don't mind not being the only one, but I want to be your first." And isn't that a wonderful thing to want?

This is also because we feel that the person who is the first to open up someone's emotions is more important in their world. So, in essence, it is because we want to be the one who is most important in the eyes of the person we love—and what could be more exciting than that?

This is one of the main reasons why love is so attractive! In love, we can "regress" to childhood (for example, we often call each other "baby" or "sweetheart" in love), relive the beautiful parent-child attachment in early childhood, or make up for the lack of secure and warm attachment in early childhood.

To a mother, her child is the world! It's so important to her, and it should be to us too. We can often relive this feeling in a relationship.

If the individual's needs for attention, affirmation, and unconditional acceptance from the caregiver in early attachment relationships are not met, these individuals may grow up and work particularly hard to pursue this kind of satisfaction in intimate relationships. Especially when we are not the other person's first love or only one, but the first few, a sense of comparison naturally arises, and jealousy, envy, worry, and discomfort arise together. But here's the good news! This also means that you have the opportunity to learn and grow in your relationships.

I'm not sure if this is one of the reasons why you're feeling a little uncomfortable at the moment, but I'm excited to help you work through it!

But I can also see that your boyfriend really cares about you. He doesn't want to talk to you too much about his exes, and when he does interact with them, he says they're just friends. You may feel that he's not being honest with you, but from another perspective, isn't it because he knows that you're sensitive and don't feel particularly secure? You're in your first relationship, and you'll be very sensitive about this, so talking about it will make you think too much. But you're also learning and growing!

You can also try to think about it. The more you know about him and his ex, the more at ease or upset you will be. In addition, your boyfriend may be more rational and not good at coaxing girls. For example, if he says that he treats you and his ex equally, you actually hope that he can firmly tell you that he is the best for you.

But from another perspective, it also shows that he is very honest and sincere, which is great! If you want him to respond more to your expectations and feelings in the future, you may also need to express them more directly, rather than keeping them to yourself and letting him guess.

After all, many straight men are great at engaging in dialogue on a rational level. For example, when you are angry and your emotions come out, he will also say that he loves you!

So, expressing and responding in the best way possible is something you can work on together in the future, which is really exciting!

Finally, you said that sometimes you feel uncomfortable, which means that most of the time you are OK. And that's a great thing! It shows you're a mature, self-aware person. Whether or not you can accept the imperfections in a relationship is actually an important indicator of your personal maturity.

We don't like to feel uncomfortable, but it's often an important opportunity for us to grow! Discomfort can make you more aware of what you care about, and it can also be a chance to work together with your boyfriend to make changes.

For example, the fact that you can come here and ask questions shows that you are really good at making use of the resources around you!

The past is in the past, and it's time to focus on the future! This is a fact we must accept. The important thing is that he is now with you. Manage your present well, and maybe his previous relationships were all just paving the way to meet the best and most suitable you!

I wish you all the happiness in the world!

Hello!

Let me give you a hug.

You feel uncomfortable because you're in your first relationship and your boyfriend has a previous relationship. You mention his ex during arguments and feel insecure.

If you're uncomfortable with someone in a relationship who has a previous relationship, break up.

The fact that he has a previous relationship is irreversible. No matter how much he loves you, the two previous relationships will never disappear just because you are uncomfortable with them. If you want to continue this relationship, you can only change your own way of thinking. Otherwise, the problem will always exist. Every time you have a fight in the future, you will remember this incident.

Everyone sees love differently. If you can't change it, find someone who only has one ex. You might think differently after you've had your own emotional experience.

It's normal to feel insecure when your boyfriend still interacts with his ex on Weibo after they broke up. He said that you and his ex are the same to him. He doesn't have a good attitude or approach to dealing with his ex. He even said that it was a beautiful thing to reunite with his ex after a long time, even though he knows you care about this matter.