I'm so afraid of entering into an intimate relationship!

The original poster gives you a hug. Our perception of the world comes from our parents first and foremost. We gain our experience of existence from them. But unfortunately, the experience you gained in the early stages of your life was negative. "Mum was always shouting and swearing to assert her presence, and Dad was always drinking." You were ignored in the corner, never seen. Your mum and dad were both trapped in their own worlds, losing the ability to see each other, let alone the needs of a child who was completely dependent on them.

Your mother's voice fills and occupies your family space, so your father escapes into alcohol. In a drunken state, he experiences an unrealistic sense of existence.

You said, "They loved each other." I believe this idealized image of your parents may have the same self-soothing function as your father's alcohol. You must admit that your parents were not really in the position of parents. This is a child's refusal to let go of the idealized obsession with their parents. Hug you.

You need to let go of this obsession with idealizing your parents. Otherwise, you'll never be able to mourn the sadness of being a neglected child. Sometimes reality is indeed cruel, but that is the truth.

Your parents have feelings, but their love is unhealthy and harmful to you.

You can overcome the obstacle preventing you from entering an intimate relationship. It's your awareness of your parents' emotional relationship patterns. I also sense a conflict within you. It's your unconscious desire to be the good parent you want to be. You still cannot accept those two bad parents with their own problems.

I want to see the truth. I want to understand why parents are the way they are. They may have been treated poorly, received little attention, or lacked the strength to break out of a repetitive cycle. This is what makes them so heartbreaking.

You are different. You have the ability to think deeply. You empathize with your parents, love them, and feel for them. This is your ability. You can rely on your ability to self-reflect and think deeply to integrate your fantasy of good parents with your understanding of the reality of bad parents. Accept that they are also imperfect parents who have their own difficulties. After integration, you will see the truth, and then you will still have the courage to pursue your own life story.

You must interpret and narrate your own life story. Be brave. Good luck.