Intimate relationship confusion: How has my language hurt my husband?

Dear Questioner, Good day. I am writing to express my sincere regards.

Despite your best intentions, the way you express yourself or communicate may cause discomfort or misunderstanding to others, including your husband. This can lead to feelings of distress and even regret, as if your words have caused significant emotional distress to the other person.

This emotional pressure and burden also has a significant impact on you.

Although you did not provide specific examples or details about your communication style, I can assume that you communicated with him in a logical and rational manner.

It would be beneficial to first identify the state of mind you are in when communicating with your husband. Are there any unconscious verbal or behavioral actions or emotional states that may cause pressure for your husband?

Your question prompted me to reflect on the communication between my husband and me some time ago, and I noted a few minor areas for improvement.

My daily interactions with my husband are always pleasant, but when it comes to discussing important issues, our communication is less effective. I tend to provide lengthy explanations, and he tends to agree with me and act in a way that suggests he feels guilty.

I was dissatisfied with this mode of communication. I later realized that my anxiety was the root cause: I had ignored my husband's feelings and transferred my anxiety to him.

When I addressed my emotions before communicating with my husband, our communication was much more effective.

It is important not to be overly self-critical or worried. We are all constantly learning and growing, and effective communication is an art that requires constant practice and improvement.

We can attempt to modify our own methods of expression and communication, devote more attention to the other party's thoughts and feelings, communicate in a considerate and understanding manner, and adopt a more objective perspective. This approach may help to reduce misunderstandings and conflicts.

I would like to conclude by recommending The Five Love Languages. It is crucial to communicate using the five languages of love in an intimate relationship.

Expressing your appreciation and consideration through verbal affirmations, thoughtful gestures, acts of service, physical contact, and gifts will foster a deeper and more harmonious relationship.

Hello! I just wanted to give you a warm hug from afar.

I'm so happy you asked for help! I really hope my sharing can give you some support and help. From your description, I can feel your inner grievances, guilt, and self-blame, as well as your desire to be understood.

Awareness is the first step to making a change. Once you've recognized how your unconscious words and emotions might affect your husband, use this awareness to guide you as you tell him how you really feel in that moment. Let him know how you feel when he blames himself. You can also ask him how he really feels and what he needs in the process of communicating with you. This will help you both understand each other better and avoid putting him under too much pressure.

If you can be open and honest with your husband about your feelings and needs, you'll be guiding and encouraging him to face and express his own true emotions. He'll feel cared for and understood by your attitude, and he'll be more likely to do the same in return.

You can try to learn to give that part of your needs that you long to be responded to and satisfied by your husband to yourself through your own efforts. That means not pinning your expectations of a response and satisfaction of this part of your needs on your husband. Why? Because the premise that your husband can give you is that this part of him is internally sufficient and not lacking. Otherwise, your demands will make him feel strong pressure and the frustration of not being able to respond to you in the way you expect.

In your interactions with your husband, it's a great idea to try to express your feelings more clearly, look at the good things he's already doing, and affirm them.

I really think you'd benefit from reading "Nonviolent Communication."

Hi, I'm Lily, the little ear of the Q&A Museum. The world and I love you!

Dear questioner, My name is Duoduo Lian, and I hope my reply can be of some help to you.

Given your strong desire to maintain family relationships and express your views, it is my hope that the family will continue to improve. At the same time, you have a keen sense of your partner's self-blame and remorse, which is already beyond what many people experience.

I believe your husband may be more passive in the relationship and may not always express his opinions as freely as he could. He may have experienced a lot of suppression in the past, which is something he could work on. Many women express their feelings and thoughts openly, which can be an emotional release. Sometimes, they may become so absorbed in their own thoughts and feelings that they neglect to consider the other person's perspective. Being aware of this tendency is an important step towards growth.

This is also the pattern of communication in your marriage. It might be helpful to consider breaking this pattern. It's understandable that the lack of response or perfunctory attitude of your partner can sometimes cause you to lash out, hoping to get feedback. It's not necessary to care too much about this.

Many people enjoy debating the merits of a particular event, presenting themselves in a way that makes others think they are very capable, living in a sense of superiority, making the other person think they are not capable, and thus hindering interactions with others. Life is about acting, and it's important to remember that you can't get too involved. Acting requires cooperation, letting go of your ego and judgments, making the other person comfortable, and you will be happy too.

Your husband has always been a cooperative partner and a source of deep love and support. He aspires to live in harmony with you and is willing to face challenges alone, even if it means experiencing discomfort. When you see your husband's love for you, it's a beautiful opportunity to express it. Home is a place where love is expressed. Showing vulnerability is an expression of the love that lies behind inner strength.

Everyone has an inner desire to present a glamorous side of themselves. Our childhood experiences with our parents can leave a lasting impact on our adult lives. We may strive for perfection and seek approval from our parents, which can then manifest in our relationships with our partners.

Take a moment to embrace yourself and show yourself some love. You have grown and evolved, and you have a loving husband. You deserve to be happy and have a beautiful life.

Hello! You've noticed that when you're talking to your husband, you're basically just stating facts and your opinions. And he agrees with you! But at the same time, he gets really upset and blames himself for hurting you.

You mentioned your concern that "it is my words that make the other person feel that he is worthless and that they pierce like thorns," and your husband also showed his emotions towards you and that he would blame himself for unintentionally hurting you. From this perspective, it's clear that the emotional bond between the two of you is very deep.

So, when you exchange opinions, do you express your emotions for each other? I'd love to hear your thoughts on this!

We often say "be reasonable," but it can actually be interpreted as "be emotional, then you can be reasonable." This is especially true in intimate relationships, where emotional communication is often more effective than simply reasoning with the other person to make them see your needs.

If you just analyze with your husband the impact of his behavior on you, he may only see the things he did wrong and then fall into self-negation out of his respect for you and his sense of responsibility for the relationship. But you can help him see the other side too! If you can also tell him the parts you think he did particularly well, the scenes that make you feel happy and loved, confirm your love and appreciation for him, and suggest that the comments are not a rejection of him, but precisely because you are close and trusting enough to confide in him, he'll see that you really do love him.

This may help him to understand that you value him and your relationship, and you'd also like to have a chat with him about how you can make your relationship even better.

Let's say, for instance, that your husband did something without meaning to upset you. Rather than saying, "What you did last time made me feel bad for a long time, and I felt disrespected..." your husband might agree with you and feel remorseful, focusing all his attention on the fact that he "did something wrong." You could say to him, "You are usually very considerate, which makes me feel cared for and valued. It's just that once you did this and that, which I didn't adapt to immediately and made me feel quite sad. After thinking about it, I feel that we are a family and I should tell you."

I'd love to hear your ideas!

Language is important, but there are also richer ways of expressing yourself in a relationship, such as giving someone a hug when you see them in pain, patting them on the shoulder, or pouring them a cup of tea and holding hands. It's so true that the emotions between a husband and wife are the catalyst for effective communication! It's really worth paying more attention to the flow of emotions.

This is also true in relationships with other people. When you build a connection and trust, it's a great foundation for giving advice and reasoning. Treating each other with respect and equality, and expressing appreciation and admiration generously, all help your relationship grow and flourish.

Good day, my name is Wan Peng, and I am a psychological listener.

You have stated that in your communication with your husband, you have expressed your opinions and informed him of the facts, and he has agreed with you. However, afterwards, he experiences feelings of guilt and, on occasion, causes you distress. This situation also exists in your other interpersonal relationships, and you are confused, correct?

Although the specific situation was not disclosed, I was able to envision it. It was akin to a mother informing her child that they had not performed well on the examination. She then proceeded to outline the areas of weakness and present the facts. The child was then prompted to identify the steps they would take to enhance their performance.

The parents' comments were not inappropriate, but it is unclear whether the child felt comfortable with them. It is possible that he was unable to express his discomfort.

As a result, he engaged in an unintentional outburst, which may have caused distress to the mother.

Let us endeavor to comprehend the emotional state of the child who received a poor grade on the examination. It is plausible that he was experiencing a combination of frustration and sadness. While he is aware of the necessity for effort and improvement, he may have preferred a more reassuring and encouraging response.

It is often said that family is not the ideal setting for resolving conflicts. There are often numerous complex ideas involved, and it can be challenging to reach a resolution if discussions continue.

Let's put ourselves in each other's shoes and try to imagine what the other person wants at that moment. What kind of response and support does that child really need when he fails an exam?

It is also beneficial to consider what you would like someone to say to you if you were in their position. Personally, I would appreciate a frank and constructive response, accompanied by a willingness to listen, offer comfort, and provide support.

Hello, I'm Tongyan.

You stated that in an intimate relationship, when you and your husband communicate about a specific matter, you feel that although you objectively express your views and opinions, and your husband accepts them, you always have the sense that you are hurting your husband, as if you are pouring oil on the fire. At the same time, you are also aware that you always seem to have this feeling when getting along with people.

You are confused because you believe you have objectively expressed your views and made suggestions during the communication, yet the person you are communicating with feels hurt.

I don't know how you understand communication. Let me be clear: the essence of communication is not to achieve agreement. It is to see the differences between the other person and us.

When you and your husband communicate, you tend to focus on the objective right and wrong of the matter. You may not perceive the other person's emotions or see what kind of support or needs the other person hopes to get from communicating with you.

Let me be clear: when we ignore the emotions and emotional needs of the other person in communication, even if what we say is right, the other person will still feel that their needs have been ignored and not met. And what you call objective evaluation and feedback will be experienced by the other person as criticism or belittlement.

You also said you're in a similar situation with other people. This is likely a pattern in your interpersonal communication.

You need to examine how this pattern developed, what experiences it brought you, and what needs it satisfied.

It is often only when our own needs are met that we are able to pay more attention to the emotions and needs of the other person.

In a relationship, it is crucial to see each other. This means recognizing, accepting, and embracing the other person's emotions.

In an intimate relationship, the other person's needs are not met with cold reason or answers. They need to be loved, understood, and supported. This is the biggest difference between an intimate relationship and any other kind of relationship.

You also need to find out whether this feeling that you think the other person has been hurt is really your feeling or the other person's feeling. You need to understand what kind of experience it is for you to see the other person feeling this way.

Do you feel self-blame? Guilt?

You deserve better than to experience self-blame and guilt like this in a relationship. In your upbringing, with whom did you experience these emotions more often?

An intimate relationship is often said to be similar to a mother-daughter bond. It's time to examine how your relationship with your mother mirrors this dynamic.

Also, examine your husband's interaction pattern with his mother.

This pattern is likely a need for you, your husband, or both of you.

The next time you face a situation like this, you must try to consciously experience your emotions and feelings at the time and record them.

When you see your emotions and needs, you may also see that your relationship patterns are changing and your interactions will change with them.

I wish you the best.

The questioner's question shows that she doesn't fully understand, recognize, accept, or care for herself. It also shows that she doesn't fully understand how to express herself in relationships, especially intimate relationships.

There are some great laws in interpersonal relationships! If you want others to see and treat you a certain way, you must first learn to see and treat yourself and others in the same way. And if you want others to respect, trust, understand, accept, care for, and love you, you must first respect, trust, understand, accept, care for, and love yourself and others!

In their conversation, the husband was able to accept the questioner's opinions. However, after doing so, he denied and blamed himself, thinking that his words and actions had hurt the questioner. This is something that requires our attention. It's important to consider how the questioner expresses herself when communicating with her husband. It's amazing how a single sentence, with a different tone of voice, attitude, wording, order, time, and place, can convey a different meaning and give a different impression to others. This shows us that any detail of expression affects the emotional communication, understanding, and acceptance between the two people.

I really think the best way to deal with this problem is to find a suitable psychologist for formal psychological counseling. It's so important to have someone who can help you work through specific circumstances individually to identify and solve the subtle problems that you might not even realize are there. That way, you and your wife can get along and communicate with each other happily. I'm sharing these personal opinions with you in the hope that they'll be helpful.