Is it as if conquest is the only thing that is recognized? Why don't you like it, but you can't stop doing it?

Hello, question asker!

From your description, I can tell you have a good ability to perceive these feelings and you are good at reflecting on and bravely facing these issues, constantly looking for a breakthrough.

You have encountered the opposite sex on numerous occasions, despite your initial dislike. Despite your initial rejection, you have a persistent expectation of the other person, which ultimately leads to your disappointment. You also admit to moments of clarity where you recognize your true feelings, which only adds to your confusion. Is that correct?

You said this has happened many times. I want you to think about this: do you really dislike them that much? Or is it because of some prejudices that have caused conflicting emotions, which in turn has led to this uncomfortable situation?

The answers are within you, but you must become aware of why you feel this way. When did you first feel this way? You can trace it back to when you were very young. Think back.

I experience the same feelings you describe. When someone actively seeks me out, I feel disgusted and want to escape. When they don't contact me, I feel very uncomfortable. I've summed it up in two points. First, I like the feeling of being chased, as if I'm being cared for and valued. However, I don't really like him, and I'm not comfortable with him. This causes an endless cycle. Second, we're probably just used to it. It's not about liking someone or not; it's a habit. We're used to having someone around, and it produces ambiguous, uncomfortable emotions. It's like muscle memory. Seeing them for a long time, even if you don't like them, will form a certain memory.

The uncomfortable feelings we experience stem from the sense of security and whether we felt loved enough when we were children.

I don't know your specific situation, but I'm going to give you a few tips that I know will help you see the light.

First, seek help from external resources.

I don't know your specific situation, but if you can't regulate yourself, you need to seek help from a professional counselor. This platform is here for you to ask questions. You know a lot about the counseling industry, and you can use that knowledge to find the right counselor for you. They will use professional techniques to dig deep into the roots of our subconscious, adjust our perceptions, and create a safe environment for us, so that we can grow with strength in this environment.

You can also explore yourself by learning about psychology. Find out why our subconscious minds feel this way. You can also call a psychological hotline or look for a psychological counselor on the platform.

Second, accept and allow yourself to be in this state.

You don't like someone, but you'll think otherwise. This is normal. Accept it. Allow yourself to feel this way. Only by accepting and allowing this feeling can we become peaceful. Only then can we calm down and dig deep into the root of our subconscious to find a breakthrough to solve the problem.

If we don't accept this state of affairs and allow ourselves to feel this way, we will experience a great deal of internal conflict, which will consume us in an endless cycle and prevent us from making any changes. There is no other option.

Distract yourself.

I believe you are not alone in feeling this way. I feel the same way, but when we feel this way, it makes us uncomfortable. We must learn to distract ourselves and not dwell on these negative emotions. The longer we dwell on them, the more immersed we become in them, which will lead to internal conflict. Instead, do something you like, like go on a trip, or do something you like more. Distract yourself and immerse yourself in the things you like. Have fun together so that you won't be bothered by so many negative emotions, which will affect your progress and disrupt your lives. Do you agree with what I've said?

Next, be more aware and clarify.

My hypnotist, a professor of neurology, always emphasized that we should not analyze why we feel this way. We should be self-aware and realize why we feel this way. There is no other way to figure out what we really want in our hearts, achieve self-clarification, reconcile with ourselves, and thus achieve unity of knowledge and intention.

You need to keep being aware. Dig deep to find what's most fundamental in your subconscious mind. What do you want most? Resolve this uncomfortable feeling by doing this.

Finally, I want to tell you that it's okay. In life, we will encounter all kinds of troubles. What do you think of these troubles? Write them down, record them, and compare them with the past and the future. Find common points or different points from them. Dig from the very beginning to find out what the real reason is inside you.

We must accept what has already happened. We cannot make things more difficult for ourselves. We must make peace with ourselves. When we feel uncomfortable, we should hug ourselves and tell ourselves that it's okay. This is a normal world. If I don't like it, I don't like it. There must be something about him that I miss. I have to make peace with myself. This is how I will get better and better. This is how I will find the happiness that I really want for myself.

Hello, I'm Flying, your heart detective coach. I hope 2023 is a happy year for you.

After reading your text, the first thing that came to mind was the expression "a mean person with a nice face." Of course, this doesn't mean anything, it's just a feeling your words brought up in me. Let's share and discuss the problem that's troubling you:

1. I can't seem to let go, even though he's not really my type.

As you mentioned, you know you don't like the other person and that they're not right for you. But you always have high expectations, desires, and fantasies about them, and they feel more intense all the time.

First, you'll notice your attention increasing. When repressed emotions start to surface, it's helpful to take a moment to "see" them, feel them with your heart, and stay with the feeling to understand what message it's sending you.

Second, love is a feeling, and not loving is also a feeling. Is your feeling of "clearly not liking the other person" based on your own judgment?

For instance, you have your own set of standards when it comes to choosing a partner, such as height, weight, appearance, and family background.

And what you think is just having expectations and fantasies is actually a desire for love. It's just that you're not in love with the other person; you've projected all your fantasies of love onto "this person."

When you become aware of this, you also discover why this "pattern" repeats itself in every relationship: it's your longing for love. This pattern satisfies your emotional need.

In a relationship, we're actually looking for "ideal parents." The emotional fulfillment we want from others is really just a demand we had from our parents that we couldn't get.

So, every breakup or separation is an opportunity for personal growth.

2. Find a new way to breakthrough through old patterns.

Life is a cycle, either a good one or a bad one. If you find yourself stuck in a relationship like this time and again, you're not going to be able to live your life to the fullest.

But you have a lot of fantasies and desires, and you're always bothered by this internal conflict.

You can look at the "problem-decision-action-result" cycle to see what decisions you've made in response to this challenge. What kind of actions have you become accustomed to taking?

What's the result? What's the assumption behind this?

It's important to identify the assumption you're taking for granted in your situation. This is the assumption you see as the truth, even though it might not be. For example, you might think, "I don't like him/I can't like someone like that," so you decide to emotionally suppress and reject him. However, your actions are full of conflict and contradiction. As a result, you might feel depleted on the inside.

If you change your assumptions and actions, you'll get different results. For example, "He doesn't meet my standards, but I can get along with him and see how it goes. Follow your heart, take positive and free actions, and don't dwell on it or regret it. Just accept it all with an open mind."

If you're unable to complete the above two steps or if they don't work for you, it's probably best to seek in-depth help from a professional counselor.

I hope this is helpful to you. Have a great day!

If you want to keep in touch, just click "Find a coach" in the top right or bottom of the page. I'll be in touch and we can work together one-on-one.

It's totally normal for men to want to conquer in a relationship. It's all about showing strength and being admired.

If the questioner is a man, it's likely that he's seeking to break through after feeling suppressed. He may be eager to showcase certain qualities that he feels are lacking in himself or that he possesses.

If the questioner is a woman, she may be in a stalemate with a male relative, or the male relative may be particularly powerless and take his place.

It's totally normal to want to conquer a person of the opposite sex you don't like. It might be because you're disgusted by them, and you're hoping to change them so you can like them more.

People we don't like might actually be a part of ourselves that we're not quite ready to accept yet.

It's totally normal to feel this way! Many times when we meet someone of the opposite sex, we know we don't like them and that they're not right for us. But here's the thing: every time we reject them, it increases our attention towards them a little.

It's not really about the other person, is it? It's more about us and what we bring to the relationship.

And it has a lot to do with us, too!

We like someone because they have certain qualities that we need, don't have, or also have. It's so interesting how our minds work, isn't it?

If we don't like someone, it might be because we're not totally comfortable with a part of ourselves, or we don't allow such qualities to exist in ourselves.

If you meet someone new who you don't click with, it's totally normal to feel this way. We all have different tastes and preferences, and that's okay! It's not about accepting or rejecting someone, but more about understanding that we're all unique and have different things we like and dislike.

It's so important to remember that the more you reject them, the more they may be reinforced.

And you'll find yourself paying more attention to this person!

2. It's totally normal to have some unmet emotional needs. The good news is that you can repair them through conquest and fantasy.

You know you've never really liked the other person, but you find yourself falling into fantasy, hoping they'll see you the way you want them to. You fantasize about ambiguous situations and have some sexual fantasies, too. And every time you fantasize about these things, your mood improves! It's as if your hormones have been stimulated. It seems like conquering the opposite sex is the only way to be recognized.

I think we can all relate to this one! When we don't like someone, don't we secretly hope they'll become the way we like them?

It's only natural to feel this way when we don't like someone. It's also normal to wonder if they feel the same way about us.

How can we help the other person become the way we'd like them to be?

One way to make a change is to conquer the other person, make them listen to us, and turn them into the way we like them.

The second way is to let your imagination run wild!

Oh, what if the other person doesn't like us?

It's so natural to like someone you've conquered!

We all have these little fantasies that the other person likes us, don't we?

Both conquest and fantasy are ways of healing emotional wounds.

It's totally normal to feel this way! We all go through these stages of growth and development, and it's during these times that we might feel a bit powerless or like our parents aren't as strong as we'd like them to be. It's like we're looking for a way to take their place and find our own strength.

Let's say the father is dominant. In that case, the son will have the strength to act on his desires, but he might not be able to do so.

If the father is weak, it's natural for the son to want to become strong and take his place in the family.

It doesn't matter if the father or mother is strong or weak. As long as they become someone we don't like, we'll want to stay away from them, but at the same time, we'll hope that they'll become someone we like.

But then, they fall for someone else of the opposite sex, and before they know it, they're all tangled up with this person they really don't like.

3. Sometimes, we find ourselves in relationships we didn't expect and have fantasies about. This might be our mind's way of trying to find the ideal lover.

And it can feel like every time you get caught up in such an emotional relationship, you're stuck! You might find yourself thinking about what he's doing as soon as you wake up, and then thinking about it until just before you go to sleep. But then, at some point, you suddenly wake up! It's as if that person has lost their filter, or you've woken up from a dream, suddenly sober and normal.

Filters are the result of projection, my friend.

It's totally normal to have a longing for the ideal parents and to project them onto this opposite sex.

We all hope that our partners will change and become the ideal person we have in mind.

It's so hard to get out of these loops because the subconscious mind is so powerful. It's like these desires have solidified and taken on a life of their own.

You can only return to your senses when you suddenly wake up and realize that this person is not what you thought they were, and they cannot become what you want them to be. It's okay to feel this way! It's just your mind playing tricks on you.

But most of the time when this kind of ambiguity occurs, I can't seem to find a way out. I'm clear-headed, but I keep falling into the fantasy pleasure again and again. What's the reason for this?

It's so easy to get caught up in fantasies like this, isn't it? The thing is, the unfulfilled emotions in our subconscious mind have a way of solidifying, which makes them far more powerful than our conscious thoughts. It's like they're beyond our control.

It's so important to work on the root of the problem, like your relationship with your parents and any emotional issues you might have.

It's okay to accept those people and things that make you uncomfortable. Let them come and go freely in your eyes and heart.

If you're struggling, it might be helpful to chat with a professional psychologist.

I really hope these answers can help you!

Hi, I'm Yan Guilai, a psychological counselor. Sending you lots of love and best wishes!