Issues in the original family lead to a lack of security and constant effort to please those around.

The host, the present is good! Be grateful to have met you, my friend.

After reading your description, I can feel your inner resentment and anger. I'm sending you lots of hugs!

Let's chat about this together!

It's so important to consistently express your emotions and feelings.

It's totally normal to feel uncomfortable when your dad says or does things without realizing it. It can make you feel rejected or ignored, and it can affect you in ways you might not even realize. That's why it's so important to find a way to talk to your dad about it. Let him know how you feel and what he can do to make you feel more comfortable.

If your father can become aware and change himself, then perhaps he can make up for your lack of a sense of security and attention.

2. Learn to love yourself, just as you are!

However, if a father is already getting old, it will be more difficult to change. So, we really need to learn to be content with ourselves, to see our own inner lack, and to see our inner expectations of being valued, respected, appreciated, recognized, and accepted.

It's okay to be a little bit content with yourself! Try recording three or more of your own merits every day, doing mirror exercises, affirming yourself a little bit, and telling yourself that you are intrinsically worthy.

You are worthy of love, respect, recognition, acceptance, and attention, and you don't need to be outstanding on the outside to get it.

3. Understand and accept your father, sweetheart.

When your dad talks about his current family in front of others, he might just be trying to boost his own ego and gain recognition and respect from others. It's not necessarily a sign that he dislikes you and your mom, unless he says so directly. Otherwise, it might just be your own interpretation.

No matter what the reasons were for leaving you and your mom, it's time to accept the reality. There might be lots of other reasons your dad didn't say at the time.

If you can, it might be a good idea to check with your father. If that doesn't work out, try not to let your expectations of him get in the way.

It's so important to understand and accept our fathers. Only then can we truly reconcile with them and regain our strength. Of course, this doesn't mean we have to agree with their actions, but it does mean understanding that they had their own limitations and reasons at the time.

This is how we can rebuild our inner strength and create a new identity for ourselves.

I really hope my answer helps you out, and I wish you all the best!

Hug the questioner. I hope you feel some warmth and support, and I hope my answer helps.

We must accept our need to please. Pleasing has helped us survive in the past, and it is not useless. We can stop trying to gain attention and love through pleasing. When we stop trying to please others, it does not mean we are unworthy. We have the power within ourselves. Learn to love and care for yourself, and you will become more free.

My advice is:

1. Look at "appeasing" objectively. Accept it. See that it helped you survive and brought you benefits.

Your father didn't abandon you. Our upbringing made us feel we had to please to gain love and attention. Pleasing got you love and attention and benefits, allowing you to survive in this family.

At that time, pleasing others helped you a lot. It was your way of defending yourself, and you got what you wanted. We don't have to deny our "pleasing" or be ashamed of it. This is the first step to change.

2. You are no longer weak. You have power. You can upgrade your defense mode and gain care and love without pleasing others.

You are an adult now. You don't have to please others to gain their attention and love. You are worthy of love.

If you need care and love, express your needs directly. Those who care about you will express their love directly. They will not reject you because of your bad parts. On the other hand, those who reject and doubt you will not be able to love you even if you try to please them. Such relationships are very draining. We don't have to be attached to them. Instead, we should cut the ties and learn to screen our relationships. Spend more time with those who support and understand you.

3. Love and care for yourself.

We must learn to care for ourselves. When you learn to love and care for yourself, you won't want to please others to gain love and care.

You won't need to look for it outside.

Read When You Start Loving Yourself, the Whole World Will Love You Back and Rebuilding Your Life. Do the exercises in the pocket workbook for Raising Self-Worth and Destroying the Pleasing Personality. Take the self-love course by teacher Zhou Fan.

For reference. Best wishes!

Hello, I'm Ting.

You think that if you're not excellent, no one will love you and you don't deserve love. You grew up in a family where love required conditions. You feel abandoned because you're not good enough. You feel unloved and long for love. You've made efforts and attempts to get love.

You have suffered, but you will survive.

Love yourself unconditionally.

When others' love is conditional, we can and should love ourselves unconditionally. We don't have to be good at school or be outstanding to love ourselves. We don't need a reason to love ourselves. We can and should talk to our breathing, to our hurt emotions, and to our beating hearts. Thank them for still beating and breathing when you don't feel loved, and thank them for their long-term companionship.

You have to love them because loving them is the same as loving yourself.

Build self-efficacy and self-confidence.

Build your self-confidence from small sources of happiness, or feel that you have made progress compared to yesterday by reading one more page than yesterday. I came here for help, and I am going to get it.

I have a fighting spirit.

You must establish a sense of self-worth.

For example, today someone was beaming with joy because of your praise, and you received thanks from someone else for helping them. Providing help to others also reflects your own value.

It's not your fault. You have every right to express your fears.

You are not to blame if you are abandoned. Do not blame yourself for being stupid. You must tell every member of your current family about your predicament, your worries, and your fears. You may be afraid of saying the wrong thing or doing the wrong thing, but you must not let this make them feel that you are not good enough and leave you.

You are afraid of being abandoned. Get help from your family to overcome this difficult time.

You've got this! Stay strong!

Greetings, inquirer. I am Jiang 61.

I would like to express my gratitude for your willingness to confide in me and seek clarification on these matters. Your query, "Problems in the original family led to a lack of security, and I have always tried to please the people around me?," has prompted me to delve deeper into this complex issue. After taking the time to understand your concerns, I will provide a supportive response and facilitate a collaborative exploration of this challenging topic.

1. Introduction

During the New Year, you observed your father publicly praise his current wife and her daughter, despite his previous disdain for your mother. This observation led you to question the nature of your father's relationship with your mother and its impact on your sense of security and self-worth. You perceived a correlation between your father's rejection of your mother and his subsequent departure from your family, which left you with a distinct lack of security. This perception shaped your belief that your father's love and acceptance were contingent on your own perceived outstanding qualities. Consequently, you felt compelled to strive for excellence in order to gain the affection and approval of others, particularly within your current family relationships.

1. Family

The subject's familial background is characterized by a divorce between parents. The subject attributes this divorce to a lack of admiration for the mother on the part of the father. The subject's relationship with the mother is marked by a sense of abandonment. The subject's upbringing in a divorced family has resulted in a lack of paternal guidance and a lack of confidence in oneself and one's abilities. The subject's behavior is driven by a desire to gain the approval of others.

You hail from a divorced family. You hypothesize that your parents divorced because your father disliked your mother for not being outstanding. You employed the term "abandoned" to describe your relationship with your mother.

The motivation to please others may be attributed to a desire to gain approval and avoid rejection.

Due to the divorce of your parents, you experienced a lack of paternal affection and a deficiency in self-assurance and confidence during your formative years. Consequently, you may tend to seek approval from others through displays of compliance and social adeptness.

2⃣, Influence The aforementioned circumstances have resulted in a lack of self-confidence and a sense of insecurity regarding one's own abilities and worth. This has led to a tendency to seek external validation and approval, particularly from those in positions of authority or influence.

The structure and living conditions of the original family have had a significant impact on the individual's subsequent life experiences. The individual's feelings of insecurity have led to a tendency to seek external validation and attention from others.

2. Analysis of the Reasons for Flattery

1. Family Structure

The structure of the family unit has a significant impact on the physical, psychological, and behavioral aspects of family members. It is also influenced by macro-level social, economic, and cultural developments. In this case, the questioner's ingratiating behavior and feelings of insecurity are inextricably linked to the structure of their family of origin. The questioner's parents' conflicts are perceived as being related to the questioner, leading the questioner to attempt to gain the attention of others through ingratiation and a change in their life situation.

The term "family structure" is used to describe the composition of family members and their interactions and mutual influences, as well as the relatively stable connection patterns that emerge from this state.

The concept of family structure is both abstract and tangible. It exerts a profound influence on the physical, psychological, and behavioral aspects of family members and is shaped by macro-level social, economic, and cultural developments.

Influence

The questioner indicated that their ingratiating behavior and feelings of insecurity are inextricably linked to the structure of the family. As a result, they will perceive their parents' conflicts as being related to them, leading them to attempt to gain the attention of others through ingratiation and pursue a change in their life situation.

2. Inferiority complex

A lack of self-esteem

An inferiority complex is defined as an emotional state in which an individual underestimates their own abilities in comparison to others. In severe cases, an inferiority complex may be considered a psychological defect.

Austrian psychologist Alfred Adler posited that from early childhood, due to perceived weakness, incompetence, and ignorance, individuals must rely on their parents and the world around them, which may lead to a certain sense of inferiority. He also proposed that attacking others is not caused by a sense of self-esteem, but by a sense of inferiority, and is a manifestation of overcompensation.

The subject displays indications of low self-esteem.

It can be reasonably deduced that an inferiority complex is a complex emotion of being unable to help oneself and weakness. Its roots can be traced back to comparisons, accusations, and judgments. Those afflicted with an inferiority complex tend to belittle themselves and believe they cannot catch up with others.

Girls from divorced families may develop low self-esteem as a result of difficulties in adapting to and understanding the separation of their parents, which can lead to feelings of insecurity. They may perceive the dissolution of the family as a reflection of their own disobedience.

In such cases, children will develop a pronounced inferiority complex, exhibit a lack of self-confidence, and even question their abilities and performance. The emergence of inferiority complexes also makes it challenging for them to communicate and interact effectively with others.

3⃣, Personality influences

This is related to one's personality in addition to family life status. It may be posited that you also exhibit a pleasing + melancholy personality type.

An individual with a pleasing personality is one who is inclined to please others, often at the expense of their own needs and feelings.

A pleasing personality is one that is characterized by an inclination to prioritize the approval of others over one's own needs and feelings. This state of mind is often associated with unhealthy behaviors and a distorted sense of self-worth. The essence of pleasing is that the individual's sense of safety and love is contingent upon the positive regard of others.

This is why one is inclined to heed the words and concerns of one's father while disregarding one's genuine emotions.

Individuals with a depressive personality

Individuals with a melancholic personality tend to exhibit the following characteristics:

Individuals with a depressive personality tend to exhibit thoughtful, highly sensitive, idealistic, and in-depth characteristics, as well as a pursuit of truth, goodness, and beauty.

Individuals with a depressive personality tend to possess a number of strengths, including delicacy and perceptivity, loyalty and reliability, talent, and insight.

The individual may exhibit a tendency toward stubbornness, indecision, self-centeredness, pessimism, and passivity.

Your personality may lead you to attempt to please others in order to ascertain your own value, perception, status, and role in their minds.

3. Recommendations for Action

1. Gain an accurate understanding of your own personality and character.

It is imperative to gain an understanding of one's own personality traits and characteristics.

Knowing oneself entails a comprehensive understanding of one's identity, origins, and future trajectory. This encompasses the discernment of one's personality, characteristics, character, interests and hobbies, abilities, strengths, and weaknesses.

The process of enhancing self-awareness

We enhance our capacity to comprehend our cognitive forms, including self-perception, self-observation, self-analysis, and self-criticism. With regard to emotional expression, we augment our ability to experience our emotional states, such as self-feeling, self-love, self-esteem, self-care, inferiority, responsibility, sense of duty, and superiority.

In terms of willpower, the objective is to enhance one's ability to control oneself. This encompasses such qualities as independence, autonomy, self-control, self-improvement, self-defense, and self-discipline.

By improving self-awareness, accurately assessing one's own characteristics and abilities, determining which personal strengths to leverage, acting in accordance with one's own volition, and maintaining a sense of self-identity.

2. Enhancing Self-Confidence Self-confidence can be defined as a positive evaluation of one's personality and social role. It is the belief in one's ability to complete a task or solve a problem effectively. It is an important indicator of mental health and a psychological trait that is necessary for success.

The term "self-confidence" is defined as a psychological trait that is necessary for success. It is the result of a positive evaluation of one's personality and social role. It is the belief in one's ability or the use of an effective means to complete a task or solve a problem.

Self-confidence is the result of a positive self-evaluation, encompassing one's personality and social role. It is the belief in one's ability to complete tasks or solve problems effectively.

It is an indicator of mental health and a psychological trait that is essential for success.

The process of developing self-confidence

An individual's understanding of themselves, improvement in self-awareness, and insistence on acting in accordance with their own volition contribute to the development of self-confidence. The conviction that one is capable of achieving a goal is a crucial aspect of self-confidence. As this conviction is nurtured, self-confidence gradually becomes established.

3. Establish a sense of security

The term "security" is defined as a state of protection and stability, characterized by a sense of confidence and freedom from fear and anxiety. It encompasses the ability to meet one's needs in the present and future, and is often associated with feelings of certainty and control.

A sense of security is characterized by feelings of confidence, safety, and freedom from fear and anxiety. It is the perception of being able to meet one's needs in the present and in the future. It encompasses a foreboding about potential physical or psychological dangers or risks, as well as a sense of one's own capabilities and limitations in dealing with them. It is primarily expressed as a sense of certainty and control.

The establishment of a sense of security

While a sense of security may initially derive from the living conditions of one's original family, it is possible to cultivate a similar sense of security through self-love, self-satisfaction, and self-acceptance.

The specific approach is to gain an understanding of one's own needs and, in the first instance, to satisfy those needs and desires. This enables the individual to recognise their own importance and value. In this way, a sense of security can be gradually established while satisfying one's own needs.

One can lead a fulfilling life without relying on the attention of one's family.

The aforementioned qualities—self-confidence, a sense of security, and self-satisfaction—serve to eliminate the behavior of defining oneself through the evaluation of others. Consequently, one can rely on oneself and become one's authentic self.

Ultimately, I extend my best wishes to the original poster for a happy life!

The topic of the original family can be considered a "tired old topic." The reason why this topic is always brought up is because it does exist, and it is also influenced by psychoanalysis, which overemphasizes the power and influence of the original family.

In the course of daily life, numerous examples can be found of children from highly challenging family backgrounds who have gone on to lead fulfilling lives. This is due to the fact that during their formative years, they lacked the capacity to attribute blame to their family circumstances.

As individuals mature, they typically become less reliant on their family of origin and develop greater self-confidence. They are able to make their own decisions and pursue a life that aligns with their personal goals, free from the constraints of their family environment. They are also able to meet their own needs, including providing themselves with a sense of security.

Frequently, the issue itself is not the actual problem. When viewed from an alternative perspective, numerous details may be revealed that were previously unnoticed. In the information provided by the questioner, the father departed from the family residence at an early hour. This was his personal necessity at that time, indicating that he needed to leave the family at that specific point in time.

Such a departure is both a means of protecting him and his family. Had he remained at home with his family at that time, he might have been unable to withstand the pressure from his family and might have collapsed and done something extreme. Despite his assertion that the OP's mother was not outstanding, he nonetheless selected the OP's mother as his wife before that, which serves to demonstrate that his mother was not as deficient as he claimed.

This has no bearing on the original poster (OP) and does not imply that the OP is unworthy of her father's affection. The decision to leave the family was a deliberate choice made by her father at the time, driven by his own needs. He was unable to fulfill his needs within the family structure, and thus chose to seek fulfillment outside of it. His statements were merely a means of protecting himself from the consequences of his actions.

These issues are largely unrelated to the questioner. It is probable that the questioner's arrival was not anticipated, and that the individual in question felt undue pressure, leading to a decision to withdraw from the family and avoid the responsibilities typically associated with the role of a husband and father. It is evident that the problem lies with the individual in question, rather than with the questioner or the mother.

In light of the above, it seems reasonable to conclude that the current distress experienced by the questioner is both understandable and inappropriate. To say that it is reasonable is to understand it from a psychoanalytic perspective and interpret it according to psychoanalytic theory. The questioner's distress is a natural occurrence. However, just because something is reasonable does not mean that it is appropriate. Such perceptions and ideas have caused the questioner distress, so these perceptions and ideas need to be corrected and adjusted.

For example, the decision of the father is his prerogative, and his freedom to choose is not to be infringed upon. The father did not provide the OP with a sense of security in the past, and the OP can now provide it to herself. It would be optimal for the OP to seek the counsel of a qualified psychologist to facilitate a more expedient and efficacious process of recovery and transition.

Hello. I can see that your father's comments about you have always made you feel insecure, causing you to constantly try to please others in your family relationships to gain attention. Although I don't know how outstanding your father's current and younger daughters really are, from your father's attitude, it seems that he should recognize them very much.

It seems that you may have lacked a father's love when you were young, which may have led to your subconscious mind always thinking that your father is the most important person. I can sense your feelings of inferiority, anxiety, unacceptability, and uncherishedness.

This may be due to the father's evaluation behavior, which could potentially lead to feelings of inadequacy and a need to constantly seek approval from others.

If parents did not give us enough care and love when we were young, then when we grow up, we may feel the need to prove ourselves. Parents often find it difficult to realize the impact of their actions on their children.

It might be helpful to remember that in an intimate relationship, there is no need to deliberately please anyone. It's simply a matter of being yourself.

Security does not necessarily come from pleasing others, but rather from within. It may be helpful to first be aware of the source of these emotions and try to accept yourself.

It is important to note that accepting oneself does not mean giving up on personal growth. Rather, it entails cherishing one's own value. Additionally, maintaining an active lifestyle, including regular exercise, a balanced diet, engaging in hobbies, social activities, and other healthy pursuits, can also assist in effectively managing complex emotions.

It might also be helpful to express our true thoughts to our fathers, so that they can truly understand. When we speak our minds, it could also help our fathers realize the impact of their previous actions.

It might be helpful to consider that suppressing your true feelings may not lead to true happiness.

I wish you the best.

Hi, how are you?

When your father praised your girlfriend and her daughter but not you, you felt neglected and thought you weren't good enough. I understand. This isn't true.

We define what is good and have our own value judgments. Being approved and praised by our father does not make us good.

Your insecurity

Your insecurity comes from a fear of losing your father's love. I understand because as a child you needed your father's love to survive. But now you are an adult, and you can live a happy life without your father's love and praise.

Right?

[To please others]

You longed for love but didn't feel good enough. You were afraid of being unloved, so you tried to please others in exchange for love.

But you realize that pleasing others won't win their love.

As you gain experience, you'll realize that pleasing others at the expense of your own well-being won't win you love. Others will treat you the way you treat yourself.

Love yourself first.

Loving yourself is the start of a lifelong romance. You can't choose your parents, but you are now independent, and you can try to reduce the impact of your original family on you.

You've realized your patterns affect your family. This is a start. You're aware of it and things are changing.

You can learn to love yourself or get help from a counselor. A good counselor can help you heal.

I hope it helps.

I'm your friend, Potato Maling. Thanks for listening.

Hearing you share these personal experiences, I feel your pain and struggle. I can see you've experienced a complex and profound conflict of emotions, especially the negative messages you received from your father.

I can imagine that when you heard your father describe his current family in such a way, it triggered some pain deep inside you.

It's totally normal to question your self-worth and sense of belonging when you're in this situation. It's also normal to seek security and recognition in other relationships because you're trying to find a way to feel loved and accepted. It's a common coping mechanism in interpersonal interactions, especially when you've experienced abandonment or neglect in close relationships at an early age.

You are worthy just as you are! Your inner value is inherent and independent of anyone's opinion or behavior, even that of your father.

Past experiences have shaped us, but they don't have to define us. It's so great that you're working to understand and cope with those experiences. It's a really positive step!

You've shared your pain here, and I can also feel your willingness to open your heart and courage to face these emotions that trouble you. I see the resilience and desire deep within you, the desire to be understood, accepted, and loved. Please allow yourself to feel these emotions, they are a real part of your growth path.

It's so important to accept and embrace your true self and be kind to yourself. It's a big step forward!

Your past may not have been perfect, but you are the master of your own life. You get to decide how you see yourself, how you connect with others, and how you find happiness and contentment in your own way.

Dear Original Poster, It is indeed the case that problems in the original family can lead to a lack of security in individuals, which in turn can lead to a tendency to please those around them in interpersonal interactions. This pattern of behavior may stem from a deep psychological need to gain the approval of others, avoid conflict, or fear rejection. In order to help you deal with this problem, we would like to suggest the following:

Self-awareness and emotion management: Initially, gain a deeper understanding of the reasons behind your behavior and identify the emotions and needs that drive it. Learn to manage and express your emotions effectively, rather than suppressing them or avoiding them through pleasing others.

Develop a sense of self-worth: Focus on enhancing your sense of self-worth and recognizing your unique qualities and contributions. Pay attention to your growth and development, cultivate your interests and skills, and thus enhance your self-confidence.

It is important to set personal boundaries in interpersonal relationships. It is essential to be clear about your needs and expectations. It is not advisable to over-accommodate others. It is, however, important to learn to say "no" when appropriate and to express your thoughts and feelings.

It is important to build healthy relationships with others based on equality, respect, and mutual support. In order to build these relationships, it is essential to learn to listen to and care about others, while also accepting the care and support of others.

Gradually eliminate the behavior of trying to please others and interact with others in a more authentic and honest manner.

Continuous self-growth: By constantly learning, growing, and reflecting, you can continuously improve your mental health. Pay attention to your own internal needs and cultivate your psychological resilience to better cope with the challenges brought about by the problems in your original family.

In summary, the lack of security and the need to please caused by problems in the original family is a complex issue that requires time and effort to resolve. Through self-awareness, emotional management, building a sense of self-worth, setting personal boundaries, establishing healthy interpersonal relationships, and seeking professional support, you can gradually eliminate the need to please and establish a healthier, more equal, and respectful relationship.

Have confidence in your abilities. You have the capacity to overcome these challenges and lead a more fulfilling and satisfying life.

Greetings, esteemed reader. It is a pleasure to have this opportunity to connect with you.

I can imagine that you might have felt a little upset when your father made that comment. Going through family changes since childhood can sometimes make you question your own value and sense of security.

It is important to remember, however, that your value should not be defined by others. Everyone has their own strengths and weaknesses.

Your current family relationships may have been affected, and this could be related to your experiences as a child. You may try to gain the attention and love of those around you by being pleasing, which is a common coping mechanism. However, in the long term, this may make you feel tired and unhappy.

You might find it helpful to focus on your own needs and feelings, and to learn to care for yourself. You could consider trying some methods to improve your sense of security, such as cultivating your own interests and hobbies, developing your own skills, and maintaining contact with people who support you.

You might also consider speaking with your father or other family members to express your feelings and confusion. They may not be aware of the impact their words and actions have on you. By communicating, you can help them understand your inner world better.

It is important to believe that you are worthy of love and care, and not to rely excessively on the approval of others to prove your worth. With time, you may find that your inner self becomes stronger and more confident, and that your family relationships also improve. You have already worked hard, so it is valuable to give yourself time and space to grow and recover.

People with a pleasing personality may sometimes find themselves paying more attention to the feelings and needs of others than to their own inner thoughts and feelings. If you would like to improve this situation, you might like to consider reading the following books:

"The Courage to Be Disliked" is a book that may be helpful to those who have a pleasing personality and find themselves wanting to be recognized by others, afraid of other people's opinions, or experiencing social phobias. It offers a way to connect with one's inner self, express thoughts and feelings with courage, and learn to value one's own perspective.

In "The Family of Origin," authors Susan Forward and Craig Barker examine the influence of one's family of origin on personal growth. They delve into how one might alter their thinking in order to avoid blaming and grieving for their actions. At the same time, the book offers some practical advice to help readers better cope with the negative impact of the family of origin.

- Growing Up Again: This novel is composed around the stories of several "children" in Director Jiang's "adult kindergarten." It describes the misfortunes and healing of different adults due to their family of origin. Readers may find that by reading this book, they can feel warmth and healing, and at the same time learn how to better deal with the negative effects of their family of origin and rediscover themselves.

If you are feeling confused, you may find it helpful to try reading these books.

I believe that this is the perfect example of how knowledge and action can be combined to create a positive impact. I hope that we can all find happiness in the rest of our lives.

I would like to take this opportunity to wish you a Happy New Year! My name is June Lai Feng.

It can be challenging to try to please other people. The behavior and attitudes of parents can have a significant impact on the self-esteem and self-confidence of their children.

If you feel that your father often belittles you because of comparisons, this may potentially lead to some doubts about your abilities and worth, which could then make you feel anxious, fearful, lonely, and helpless. These feelings can affect our mood and physical and mental health.

It seems that your feelings may be influenced by some issues in your family of origin, as well as a lack of consistent emotional support during your upbringing.

It is possible that you may have developed a psychological pattern of constantly seeking the approval and acceptance of others to compensate for emotional deprivation.

As a result, you may be overly concerned about the needs and feelings of others while neglecting your own; fear rejection and conflict and would rather sacrifice your own interests to maintain harmony; have a strong need to be liked and accepted by others; and have low self-esteem and a sense of self-worth, often questioning your own abilities and value.

It also has an impact on my daily life.

It is certainly true that the influence of one's family on a person can be very strong. However, this does not mean that change is not possible. You have already taken the first step towards change by becoming aware of this problem.

We can take the time to explore this together and find ways to make you feel more secure.

Firstly, it would be beneficial for you to become more self-aware, recognise your attempts to please others and understand the reasons behind them. You have already taken this step.

Secondly, it would be beneficial to learn to say "no" and respect your own needs and limitations.

It might be helpful to remember that comparison can be harmful and that everyone is unique, with their own strengths and weaknesses.

It would be beneficial to avoid internalizing negative information and to recognize that your father's opinions do not define you. It may be helpful to try not to internalize his negative comments as your own beliefs.

It may be helpful to focus on your achievements and progress, however small they may seem. Jotting them down and celebrating every success could help to boost your sense of self-worth.

It may also be helpful to practice positive self-talk and replace negative self-criticism with positive affirmations.

If you feel your father's behavior is causing you harm, you have the right to set boundaries. It's important to communicate your feelings and make it clear which behaviors you cannot accept.

It's important to remember that our family of origin is not our whole life. With the right support, things can improve when we recognize problems and actively seek help and change.

Each of us has the potential to change ourselves. While we may not be able to change the past, we can create a better future through our own efforts.

It might be helpful to try to pay attention to our needs and feelings, and to put our feelings first. When we start to value ourselves and love ourselves, we may feel more secure and try to establish healthier relationships with the people around us, letting them know our true thoughts and feelings.

I would like to extend my love and best wishes to you all!

Hello. I can tell from your description that you're feeling conflicted and helpless.

I'm a psychological counselor, and I'd like to share my understanding from a psychological perspective.

Your issue is that when I visit relatives during the New Year, my father still says in front of me that his current wife and her daughter are exceptionally outstanding. He dislikes my mother because she's not outstanding, so he left our family when I was young. I felt a special lack of security because I felt that if I'm not outstanding, he won't love me and will abandon me. This has also affected my current family relationships. I've always tried to please the people around me and have never gained the care and love of others.

As you grew up, your father's expectations shaped your personality. He believed that only excellence could be recognized and affirmed. This influenced how you developed in your intimate relationships. You cared a lot about external evaluations and lacked inner security.

How can you adjust your mindset to make your life more relaxed and enjoyable?

First, take some time to get to know yourself. What are your personality traits?

What's your relationship with your parents like? How do you communicate with them? How do you understand your father's disapproval of your mother and his high expectations of you? Internalize it as your own fixed pattern.

Second, accept yourself. What are your strengths and weaknesses?

You worked hard in school and left home early to go to college. You're a fast learner and a hard worker. You're also independent and self-sufficient, which are all your advantages. You're also very self-aware and reflective. Your disadvantage is that you've formed an inherent pattern, which has now limited your life. This needs to be addressed through learning, communication, and professional self-analysis, including the possibility of seeking professional psychological counseling. Adjusting yourself, accepting yourself, and thereby changing your fixed patterns will form new, more suitable, new relationship patterns that are more flexible and comfortable.

Third, learn to love yourself. Respect your thoughts and feelings. Learn to draw on the resources you want from the external environment and evaluations. Learn to express your refusal to things or words that make you uncomfortable, maintain your boundaries, and learn to express your thoughts in words so that others can see, hear, understand, and accept you. This will help you be better at being yourself and doing the things you want to do.

I think the world would be a better place if we all loved ourselves a bit more. It's important to understand and accept ourselves, and to be the best version of ourselves that we can be. This will help us repair and adjust with our original family. Best of luck!

Hello, landlord! It's great to be able to discuss this with you in English.

I totally get you! This is a complex feeling of shame and grievance that makes people struggle repeatedly and is quite hurtful. Sometimes it is equivalent to a thorn in the heart, which can be touched accidentally.

First of all, your father's behavior did cause you a lot of harm, and made you feel that your value depends on whether you are good or not. This is a very unhealthy concept. But you can change it!

But remember, your value is not defined by others—it's defined by YOU!

In this case, the respondent has some great suggestions to help you feel better!

It's time to communicate with your father! Tell him how you feel. Let him know how his words and actions have affected you. He may not realize how much his actions have hurt you, so this is your chance to let him know.

Communication is the key to understanding each other and finding solutions to problems!

Seek professional help! If you find it difficult or ineffective to communicate with your father, consider seeking help from a professional counselor. They can help you deal with your emotions, establish a healthier self-image, and provide coping strategies.

It's time to build self-awareness! Think about what your value is. It's not just about your appearance. It's about your amazing qualities, talents, and uniqueness. You are unique, and you have incredible strengths and specialties.

It's time to focus on your own needs! Don't worry about what others want — make sure you're happy first. Learn to say what you need and want, and find people who really care about you to build healthier relationships with.

It's time to develop your own interests! Investing time and energy in your interests will not only make you feel more fulfilled and satisfied, it will also help you get to know yourself better and build your self-confidence.

And finally, remember that your value is not defined by others—it's defined by you! You have the right to pursue your own happiness and satisfaction.

I really hope you can gradually get over the past and establish a healthier and more confident attitude towards life!

Wishing you all the best!

Given your feelings about your father, you may also be learning and growing to see the story in your own consciousness. Similarly, your hatred of your father stems from his actions and thoughts, as well as his belittling, which makes you feel your own inferiority and the resulting hatred. This can be described as a story in your pre-consciousness. You may have always been searching for guilty love in your heart, which is reflected in your sense of cowardice and inferiority towards your mother. This is also the key to your suspicion of pleasing others. You have always wanted your father's support.

As you continue to develop, you may notice that your mother has consistently expressed anger and resentment towards your father's actions. It is important to acknowledge this aspect of yourself to gain a deeper understanding of the value and meaning you attribute to your existence within the interpersonal relationships you have created to gain the approval of others. There is a seed of subconscious belief that has both positive and negative implications. If you accept that you have a tendency to please others, you may realize there is a discrepancy between your cognitive experience and reality. Your father's belittlement and denial of you have already become part of your self-perception. This may prevent you from fully acknowledging your awareness of your father and the need to prioritize your own self-interest. You may find it challenging to embrace your true self, but I believe you are on the path to growth.

You may wish to consider engaging the services of a counselor or a listening therapist on the platform to support you on this significant life journey. This could be an opportunity to gain greater insight into your own self-perception and to develop your personal growth.

Good morning, my name is Xin Tan Coach Yu, and I would like to discuss this topic with you.

First, let's discuss the concept of security. In Maslow's theory, security is defined as a sense of confidence, safety, and freedom from fear and anxiety, particularly a sense of satisfaction with one's current and future needs.

Recalling the questioner's childhood, it is evident that there were numerous instances of displeasure, neglect, and abandonment due to the father's disapproval of the mother's decision to leave the nuclear family. These experiences often persist into adulthood, influencing our relationships and fostering a sense of unease and distrust.

Our feelings about relationships are often influenced by our internal feelings about ourselves and others. For example, when we feel that there are many things about ourselves that are not good enough, or even that we are bad in many ways, we may worry that other people do not like us, that they dislike us, and that they may even punish or attack us. At this time, we may care a great deal about what other people think and feel, and thus we may blame ourselves for our inadequacies or shortcomings, or try to cover up our lack of confidence by trying to please other people.

It is possible to evaluate oneself objectively, record one's strengths and weaknesses, praise one's strengths, and accept one's shortcomings.

It is also important to recognize that we have grown up and that past experiences are not necessarily relevant in the present context. What matters is our perception and interpretation of those experiences.

Let's revisit the topic of emotions. Emotions are comprised of distinctive subjective experiences, external manifestations, and physiological arousal. Each emotion may be indicative of an unmet internal demand. When we miss the opportunity for a promotion or pay increase, we experience sadness; when we lose a cherished possession we have held for an extended period, we feel anger.

We can inquire of ourselves what emotions and feelings were aroused in us when we heard our father say that the current wife and her daughter were wonderful.

Additionally, we may inquire as to the emotions and feelings evoked when contemplating our father's disapproval of our mother's departure from the family unit.

Additionally, it would be beneficial to ascertain what our ideal self and ideal family relationships would entail.

What is the recommended course of action?

It is important to note that emotions themselves are neither inherently positive nor negative. When we become aware of uncomfortable emotions, we can attempt to identify the underlying cause by asking ourselves questions such as "What am I worried about? What does it remind me of?"

When we begin to accept our emotions and allow them to flow, we will be less likely to engage in behaviors that distort our emotions due to emotional repression. We can also consider using writing therapy, writing, and drawing as outlets for expressing and releasing our feelings.

Additionally, singing in a rock rhythm may be an effective method for releasing pent-up emotions. In summary, it is essential to release accumulated emotions.

Ultimately, it is essential to practice self-love.

It is clear that negative emotions have an impact on our lives. We can seek assistance in overcoming these emotions. Since this is a significant issue for you, it is not easy to overcome it immediately. We recommend finding a family member or friend you trust and who has always given you positive support to talk to. If you feel the need, you can also find a counselor, as emotions must have an outlet to relieve the heaviness and blockage in our hearts.

It is also important to care for ourselves, enrich our inner selves, discover our unique value, and establish our own social support systems. When we make these changes, it will positively impact our relationships with others.

We recommend the following book: "The Courage to Be Disliked."

Hello! I'll give you a warm hug from afar first!

I am so happy to have seen your request for help! I really hope that my sharing can give you some support and help. You can feel the harm caused to you by your father's unconscious verbal and physical behavior, which made you feel rejected, denied, unaccepted, unloved, aggrieved, angry, helpless, and powerless.

Once you've recognized that you didn't get as much affirmation, acceptance, and encouragement from your father as you would have liked during your upbringing, you can take the power back! When your father acts out in ways you don't like, you can choose to respond in a way that shows him how you truly feel. This can help him understand the impact of his actions and give you the chance to tell him what you need from him to feel accepted and affirmed.

You can start dealing with your unconscious behavior of pleasing others in relationships today by trying to be true to yourself while being afraid. Express your feelings and needs authentically and allow and accept yourself. You'll still have pleasing behavior, but you'll see that behind it is a desire to be accepted and affirmed, and a fear of being disliked and rejected. When you can see the needs behind your unconscious behavior of pleasing others, you'll be more accepting and understanding of your pleasing behavior. What do you think?

The reason why your father's rejection and dislike of you has followed you for so long is because at that moment you agreed with and internalized what your father did to you, which was that you were terrible and not good enough. But you can change that!

It's important to understand that your father's excessive dislike, harshness, denial, comparison, and non-acceptance of you is not because you are not good enough. It's because he unconsciously projects his own feelings of non-acceptance of his own shortcomings and frustration at being unable to change himself onto you.

You can absolutely change your traumatic memories! Learn to better accept yourself, cultivate self-confidence, and enhance your sense of self-worth. Write at least ten of your own virtues on a piece of paper, and for each virtue, attach something you have done that makes you happy. Think of something you did when you were growing up that made you happy!

I highly recommend you read "Dialogue with Your Inner Fear," "A Life Not Controlled by Your Parents," and "Embrace Your Imperfect Self." They're amazing!

I'm Lily, the little ear of the Q&A Museum! The world and I love you!

Dear question asker,

I'm not sure how old you are, but you mentioned that you went to visit relatives with your father and that your father praised your current girlfriend and her family in front of you. I don't think you're particularly old, but perhaps you could tell me more about your age?

I can imagine this is a difficult and uncomfortable feeling for you. It's likely that your father has done this many times, which may have led to feelings of anger, frustration, helplessness, and hurt.

I imagine that when your father left, it must have been a very frightening and worrying time for you. It's likely that you were unsure of how you would cope in the future, particularly given that your father seemed to look at you with disgust.

These are all sudden problems that you have had to face. I believe you were quite young at the time, and you were able to deal with that situation as a young child. You used flattery to become adept at pleasing people and gain your father's attention and love. You were able to rely on yourself to deal with that challenging situation and get to where you are today. It really wasn't easy, but it also demonstrated your resilience. I admire your strength.

I'm truly grateful for your resilience. Had you given up at that time, the consequences could have been dire, and you might not have received the attention you needed from your father. Your life could have taken a very different turn. But you have shaped your life into what it is today. You have consistently striven to please others, a commendable quality. It's not easy, and it's also a challenge for adults. I can see how hard you've worked, and I hug you again!

You are aware of the challenges you've faced and have come here to explore scientific approaches. This shows that you're a person who seeks help from multiple sources and is open to trying different methods when faced with difficulties. I believe it's important for you to know that in psychology, awareness is often the first step towards healing and change. This also suggests that you're on a path towards becoming a better person, which means you'll probably stop trying to please others without limits, which can be exhausting.

Perhaps the next step would be to continue to be aware of our current lives and see the situation we are in. It might be helpful to see our family as it is now, recognize that we have such a father, and acknowledge that we have been trying to please everyone in the family for the past few years just to survive. It's possible that our lives might have been even more unsatisfactory if we hadn't done so. It could be beneficial to see our own efforts to make life better over the past few years and recognize how hard and tired we have been. When we feel very tired, it might be helpful to connect with the old self in a loving way.

After taking a moment for ourselves, we can continue to move forward with our lives. You have grown to be much stronger than the frightened, disorganized, and confused person you were when your father first left. So, what about our hearts? Perhaps we could open them up a little more and accept what is now. This is the unchangeable thing we have. Because it can be challenging for us as children to insert ourselves into the lives of adults, and since we have been given this environment, we might consider accepting it, stopping our obsessing, and stopping internalizing. In this state, just as you used to please and survive, we could think of a better way to live a better life while accepting the situation.

If we want to live a better life, I think we must believe that as the years go by and we grow older, our strength will become stronger and our abilities will become better. Dad is in his prime now, but the wheel of fortune turns, and five years from now, you will be unrecognizable compared to the person you are now, and five years from now, Dad will be unrecognizable compared to the person he is now. I truly believe that all the suffering you are experiencing now will definitely be rewarded in the future in another way. There is no suffering in the world that is not worthwhile, and all that suffering definitely has another meaning. As long as we have faith and overcome this obstacle, growth will naturally come.

I have great expectations for you. I think what you need to pay attention to now is the way to please others. Survival is possible, but we need to be careful because we are getting old. While it is not necessary to please others, it is possible to show ourselves and others by our abilities. I believe that you who have come here for help can definitely adjust your attitude and make your life more and more beautiful. Suffering is your wealth. I wish you well.

I hope the world and I can be of service to you!