It's New Year's Eve, and I don't want to go home. I've been so annoyed lately. How do I adjust my mindset?

Dear Question Asker, I can appreciate the concerns you have outlined.

The current situation in both your professional and personal lives appears to be a source of concern. The public rental housing you applied for does not seem to align with your expectations, and you will face your parents' expectations regarding marriage when you return home for the New Year. This pressure to marry will prompt you to reflect on your emotional orientation, which you have been unable to discuss with your parents.

The combination of these factors can undoubtedly cause significant distress.

However, apart from the public housing issue, I believe that the pressure to get married and your sexual orientation should always be a consideration. I am unaware of how you addressed this in previous years. Is there something that has occurred this year that makes you feel that this issue is more pressing than in previous years?

You also referenced a "repressive family atmosphere." I'm unclear on what you mean by that. You also mentioned that you were obedient until you graduated from graduate school and have now rebelled. Could you please elaborate on what kind of transformation this is?

Rebelling against your parents gives rise to feelings of guilt. Could you please elaborate on this? Furthermore, at what point did you become aware of your own sexuality?

Please indicate whether you believe this to be the case or if you have had specific experiences in relationships. I have a number of questions to help me gain a better understanding of the situation. This will enable me to provide you with more effective assistance.

From the limited information currently available, it appears that your parents are exerting pressure on you to get married, which is causing you concern. Could you please provide your thoughts and plans regarding marriage? Additionally, could you please elaborate on the implications of your parents' pressure on your decision to marry?

Please clarify whether your concern stems from difficulties in expressing your emotional orientation to your parents, or if it is due to your inability to meet their expectations regarding marriage and resulting disappointment and frustration. Additionally, please indicate whether you are reluctant to address this issue.

Please describe your thoughts on how you would handle this situation.

I recognize that I have posed a number of questions without offering specific guidance. However, I encourage you to consider these questions thoughtfully and to reflect on your genuine feelings. If you can truly engage with these questions, you may gain valuable insights and new perspectives.

If you wish to alter your mindset and mood in a relatively short period of time, I believe you can temporarily cease dwelling on these issues and instead direct your attention to tangible activities. These could include assisting your mother with cleaning the house, preparing dumplings, or reading a book you enjoy. Identify an activity you wish to engage in but have not had the opportunity to do so and, for a brief period, refrain from overthinking and simply immerse yourself in the task at hand. This approach may prove beneficial. I hope this provides some inspiration and wish you a speedy recovery.

Good morning, question asker.

I want to offer you my support and encouragement. You have demonstrated remarkable courage in declaring your gay identity and respecting your own inner feelings. Despite being an adult, you still want to complete the rebellion that you never finished, which is a very real and honest desire. You have also made it clear that because of your conscience, you don't want to create such a tragedy as a wife of a gay man.

I would like to express my gratitude to Wu Zhihong for his insightful observation that guilt is an unacceptable emotion. In his book, "Thanking Yourself for Your Imperfections," he makes a compelling argument that anger is a powerful tool for defending one's independence.

The questioner is facing a number of challenges, including pressure from family members to get married, harsh accusations from their father, societal attitudes towards homosexuality, and job insecurity. These pressures, along with the fear of rejection, denial, and abandonment, are causing the questioner to feel depressed, powerless, and irritable. It seems that they need some extra strength to be able to face these things. Indeed, it is as if one were to be at odds with the whole world. No matter who is in your position, they will feel physically and mentally exhausted.

[Source of strength]

I believe there are two aspects to strength. One is the strength that comes from within, that is, the extraordinary ability to remain calm in the face of adversity. This is a term from psychoanalysis.

The id represents the part of the individual that is competitive, demanding, primitive, pre-rational, and pre-logical. Freud called the moral watchdog within most of us the superego, which could be thought of as the conscience or the self-judge.

When we say that someone has a strong sense of self, it means that they are able to consider the difficulties and seek solutions without denying or distorting the harsh reality. Some people's sense of self in the past may become fragmented when faced with stress.

In matters of marriage and sexual orientation, it would be interesting to see whether the questioner's superego aligns with their parents' views, or whether they feel the need to defend their own ego. You mentioned that the questioner has a postgraduate degree, which is certainly an admirable achievement. However, it might be helpful to consider whether their sense of self is beginning to waver in the face of their parents' accusations.

This is a normal part of the growth process, which can sometimes result in a temporary regression and an unstable state. Psychotherapy can be a helpful tool for gaining self-empowerment and enhanced self-coordination.

[Therapeutic relationship]

In the book "Helping Skills," the author refers to the psychologist Carl Rogers' view. According to Rogers, as an infant, one evaluates every experience based on one's own feelings. This is known as the organism evaluation process. The organism evaluation process is an internal guide that everyone is born with. It guides people towards self-realization. When people trust this internal guide, they can freely explore experiences that are beneficial to the organism.

In addition to having an organismic evaluation process, children also have a need for unconditional positive attention. This can be defined as a need for acceptance, respect, warmth, and loving value. When children feel valued, accepted, and understood by important others (usually parents or caregivers), they begin to experience self-love and self-acceptance, and develop a good sense of self. This is accompanied by little internal conflict (superego and id don't fight). A child who feels valued can focus on his or her own organismic evaluation process and make appropriate choices based on his or her own internal experience.

It is unfortunate that parents, like all of us, are not perfect. This can result in them imposing value conditions on their children, requiring that children meet certain requirements in order to be loved. This is something that the questioner's parents did, for example, by saying that they would only recognize and accept their child if they obeyed and got married.

When the self-concept is altered by value conditions, it can sometimes result in a diversion of the tendency towards self-actualization. In such instances, the judgment of external value conditions may potentially replace the individual's basic, positive self-esteem. According to Rogers, inconsistencies between real experiences and self-concepts can sometimes lead to expressions of feelings that may not align with reality, as well as low self-esteem, defensiveness, anxiety, and depression.

I believe the questioner may be struggling with the courage to share the truth about being urged to get married with their mother. It's often in moments of defense that we find ourselves in arguments with our loved ones.

Rogers suggests that in order for the individual to overcome this separation, rigidity and discrepancy between the real self and the ideal self, they must be aware of the experience of distortion and denial. This requires the individual to allow the experience to happen and be able to perceive it accurately. In order to reintegrate, the individual needs to:

Perhaps it would be helpful to consider ways of reducing value conditions, such as not doing things to please parents, which is already done well.

It may be helpful to consider ways of increasing positive self-evaluation through the receipt of unconditional positive attention from others.

Rogers suggests that rebuilding a client's self-concept and aligning it with authentic experience may be achieved by experiencing empathy, unconditional positive attention, genuineness, and acceptance in the therapeutic relationship with a helper or therapist. The return of self-concept to the assessment of authentic experience based on the process of collective evaluation may promote the self-realization of the individual, making them a "fully functional person" – someone who is aware of their own greatest potential in terms of independence, creativity, and the authentic expression of feelings and love.

I'm not sure if there is a similar group in the questioner's real-life circle where he can receive this kind of support. If not, I suggest that the questioner consider visiting a psychological counseling room as soon as possible. If there are financial constraints, he can start with psychological listening services or continue asking questions in the same way. In short, it would be beneficial for him to actively seek and establish such a relationship. You are not alone in the world. On the Yixin platform, you can meet many kind and sincere people.

My name is Zhang Huili, and I hope my answer will be of some help to you. I hope that by now you have had time to calm down from the quarrel and are preparing to welcome the New Year with your family. If not, you are very welcome to continue asking questions and interacting on the platform. Perhaps you will find someone with whom you can have a good chat, and this will help to restore your energy.

Dear Question Asker,

From your description, I can discern your inner anxiety, confusion, and powerlessness. I extend a warm embrace to you in that moment. At the same time, you demonstrate an admirable level of awareness. You are able to recognize the discomfort and actively seek solutions to the problem, which is commendable.

Additionally, when confronted with challenging emotions, it's natural to have certain expectations and a desire to alter both oneself and the circumstances at hand. This approach is commendable.

You have identified three key issues. The first is the imminent pressure from your parents to marry, which you perceive as overwhelming. The second is the potential for bisexual feelings. The third is the perceived instability of your employment, despite your three-year application for public rental housing. You have the option of subletting, but this also presents challenges. Please confirm these details.

After addressing the aforementioned issues, I can ascertain that you are a highly rational and articulate individual.

It is important to note that everyone faces challenges in life. However, when individuals become aware of these challenges and are motivated to make changes, they are already on the path to growth and development.

In the event of a positive outcome, what will your circumstances be? What steps have you taken to facilitate this outcome?

Once the desired outcome is achieved, how will your situation differ from what it is now? Who will be the first to recognize the change?

Based on your description, I would like to offer some advice to help you adjust to the situation.

Firstly, it is essential to address your problems directly and proactively.

You have described facing pressure from your parents to get married and experiencing bisexual feelings. I would like to suggest that you learn to identify and address your own feelings and current problems. Regarding your parents' pressure to marry, it is a common occurrence. In my experience, only a small minority of parents do not pressure their children to marry. It is a challenge that most people will face at some point. In such cases, it is helpful to connect with others and explore a range of solutions.

It is important to note that everyone has their own unique set of emotions. The world is a vast and fascinating place, and bisexuality is becoming increasingly prevalent. However, in our country, which has traditionally held more conservative values, this may not be fully accepted by the older generation. Nevertheless, for the majority of young people in today's society, it is becoming more socially acceptable. It is essential to understand that these feelings are not a personal shortcoming. They may be influenced by genetics or past experiences within the family. It is crucial to have a clear understanding of this complex issue.

Then, adopt a positive mindset.

Life is not always straightforward, and challenges are an inevitable part of the journey. When faced with difficulties, it is essential to maintain a positive outlook to navigate these challenges effectively. For instance, when dealing with the issue of public housing, it is crucial to adapt and pursue a solution that aligns with our goals. While this process may initially feel uncomfortable, adopting a constructive mindset, such as exploring options like subletting, can prove beneficial in the long run. These strategies can help us manage our emotions effectively.

Secondly, it is important to learn how to release negative emotions.

I am aware that you are experiencing a range of challenging emotions. If the opportunity arises, it is beneficial to communicate with your parents. If they are unable to comprehend your feelings, it is important to find ways to release the negative emotions, as they can have a detrimental impact on your well-being. Engaging in physical activity, listening to music, or travelling can be effective in this regard.

As a final measure, it is advisable to seek assistance from external resources.

It is important to remember that everyone has emotions, and this is a normal part of life. If you are struggling to cope, it is always helpful to seek support from external resources. One option is to speak to a professional psychological counselor. These professionals are trained to use their skills to understand the root causes of your subconscious issues and create a safe and inclusive environment for you. This can help you to feel empowered and to make positive changes in a timely manner.

Should you be interested, you may also wish to read more psychology books or study psychology, which will undoubtedly prove beneficial in helping you to adjust your state of mind.

In conclusion, I would like to reassure you that it is acceptable to experience pressure from parents to marry. This is a common challenge faced by many individuals as they transition into adulthood. If you wish to address this issue, you have the option to ignore their suggestions, communicate with them, or take proactive steps to resolve the situation.

By describing these bisexual feelings, you are developing a deeper understanding of yourself. This understanding can then be used to find a professional counselor who can help you adjust your thinking a bit so that you can accept and love yourself and respect yourself. This process may help you gain more clarity about your needs and desires.

Regarding the public rental housing situation, you have been adjusting by indicating that you have the option to sublet.

Everyone has the capacity to be their own psychologist. If you are willing, you can help yourself overcome these uncomfortable feelings. I believe in your ability to succeed. If you have any unhappy experiences during the Spring Festival, you can use this platform to discuss them with us, express your feelings, and release some stress. We will do our best to be there for you.

Hello! I totally get it. It can be really tough to shift your mindset when you say that you get irritated every time the New Year rolls around.

It's totally normal to feel annoyed sometimes. But, there's more to it than that. Behind that general feeling of annoyance is "fear." And, there are two types of fear: the fear of having to do something you don't want to do, and the fear of not being able to do what you want to do.

It's totally normal to have these feelings! You might not want to get married, or you might feel like you're being rushed into it. You might also feel tied down by your parents, and you might be thinking about the property expenses of a new home without furniture. All of this can make you feel dissatisfied. The good news is that everyone feels this way at some point in their life.

It's all about how we handle these feelings of agitation.

Weinstein has put together a lovely personal self-exploration process, and you can explore some of it in yourself:

(1) Confronting Conflict – We all face situations that make us feel a bit stuck.

(2) Think about how you could respond. What makes this situation special?

I'd love to hear what you think the commonalities are!

(3) Take a moment to recognize the nature of your reactions. What impact do they have on you?

(4) Get to know yourself better. What are my characteristics?

(5) It's also a good idea to think about what might happen as a result of this reaction. How will it affect the rest of my life?

(6) Think about other options – It might be helpful to consider other ways of responding.

(7) Evaluation – Just imagine for a moment what might happen if you allowed yourself to adopt a new behavioral response.

(8) Making choices – Now that I've made a choice, what actions should I take next?

It's totally normal to feel some separation anxiety when you're going through this. It's a big change! You used to be so obedient, but now you're rebellious. It's natural to feel afraid of losing your parents' love and trust. And it's okay to have some castration anxiety. As a gay man, you don't want to marry a woman and have children, and you're afraid of entering into marriage. You're also dealing with some moral issues. It's hard to know if you can be a good child to your parents and a good husband. And let's not forget about the financial anxiety! Property, moving, and buying furniture are all expenses.

It's totally normal to feel a bit powerless and restless if you can't sort out what's bothering you. The good news is that you can take control of your life! If you can have a good understanding of yourself, your abilities, your interests, your personality, your needs, and your values, and combine that with the external environment and resources, you can make choices and set yourself future development goals, taking the necessary actions towards your ideal goals.

I really hope you find these suggestions helpful!

1. Take some time for yourself to get to know yourself thoroughly. Think about how you see yourself and how others see you. You might even find some new feelings and experiences about yourself!

2. It's so important to understand your own sexual orientation, determine your own partner relationship, and have a clearer understanding and plan for your future married life.

3. You can do it! Boost your self-esteem, boost your income, and build your confidence and courage.

4. Look for ways and paths that will give you energy, and go out there and face the challenges of life with courage and determination. You can do it!

I wish you a wonderful new year filled with new opportunities and blessings!

Hello, I'd like to offer you a 360-degree hug if I may.

I'm sorry to say that your question is quite troubling to read.

In your question, there are several things that are out of your control.

Firstly, your parents are encouraging you to consider marriage, and your father is particularly keen on this idea.

Secondly, there is the issue of your homosexuality.

It can be challenging when two unchangeable things are in conflict with each other, and when worries accumulate to a point where they seem overwhelming. While others may be focusing on positive aspects, it's important to recognize that feelings of loneliness can intensify the sense of being in a difficult situation.

If I might offer a suggestion, it would be to accept these things as they are, as if they were a birthmark or something else that cannot be changed. Alternatively, you might choose to let them go.

It is important to remember that these are things you cannot change no matter what you do. Parents have their limitations, and it is understandable that it may be challenging to expect them to suddenly come to their senses, change their ways, stop pushing for marriage, stop being so manipulative, and stop being so overbearing. In such cases, it might be more constructive to accept the situation and move forward.

It is also important to recognize that young people often have values that are different from their parents. While these differences can be challenging, it is essential to understand that they are a natural part of the development of individuals and families in response to the changing times.

I would gently suggest that perhaps the best course of action would be to accept these things as part of your destiny, to let go of the need to reconcile, to give up, and to resign yourself to fate.

It is important to remember, however, that just because something is indispensable does not necessarily mean that it should affect and control your life.

Perhaps it would be helpful to consider how you could live better with these circumstances.

For instance, you could consider simply informing your parents that you do not intend to get married in this lifetime. This may help them to accept that your decision is final. It is important to communicate this in a calm, composed, and unquestioning manner, without resorting to pressure or forcing your parents to accept your decision.

It is understandable that you may not be able to do it. You say you are rebelling now, but you feel guilty instead. It seems that parents and children are gradually drifting apart from each other. From an intimate parent-child relationship, they eventually become two adults who are equal to each other.

It's important to remember that children won't always be their parents' perfect children. Even the best parents can't always get their children to do as they're told, and it's natural for children to feel disappointed when they don't meet their parents' expectations.

It would be beneficial for you to address your own feelings of guilt. Guilt is also a natural part of the process of growing up, and it is important to accept it as such.

In the case of unchangeable circumstances, it may be helpful to adopt a neutral stance and accept the situation. One possible approach could be to resign yourself to your fate and give up hope while you still can.

Then, perhaps, you could consider what else you might do. It's not about simply accepting the fact that you can't change things.

Perhaps it would be more constructive to focus on what you can do.

It's okay to hurt your parents' feelings sometimes. They need to accept their fate too. Try to accept that your son is disobedient, that he's rebellious, and that he might be gay in the future.

It is understandable that everyone has their own way of accepting fate.

As for your third concern, job instability and public rental housing expenses, I believe these can be addressed relatively easily. If you are experiencing job instability, you might consider exploring opportunities to sink in or start a side business to help manage the potential uncertainty. Additionally, it might be beneficial to focus on self-improvement and enhancing your value in other ways.

I believe this is another problem that can be solved relatively easily, and I am confident you will be able to find a way.

You might also consider speaking with a counselor.

As a counselor, I often find myself drawn to Buddhist teachings and a somewhat pessimistic outlook. However, I also recognize the value in embracing positivity and motivation. I believe in the goodness of the world and in the potential for growth and change within each of us.

Greetings, The Chinese New Year is a time when children who have been living away from their parents and families look forward to reuniting with them.

After reviewing your description, I understand the reluctance many individuals have to return to their hometowns, despite a desire to see them again. I empathize with your situation.

You were previously a model child and have since progressed to graduate school, secured employment, and established your own life. I believe your parents should be immensely proud of you, but in their eyes, you are still a child, and they consistently encourage you to marry and establish a career.

You seem somewhat anxious. This may be the result of a misunderstanding and suppression caused by poor communication between the two generations.

It would be advisable to communicate in a measured and considered manner, rather than resorting to confrontation or avoidance. It is important to recognise that you cannot change your parents' views, and that your focus should be on learning to navigate the situation and reconciling your differences.

This is a challenging situation. However, Chinese New Year is a time for family reunions, as perceived by your parents. If you are unable to go home, it is important to avoid disappointing them. Sending them your best wishes and paying them a New Year's visit is a gesture that can ease the tension and strengthen the emotional bond.

The bond between family members is akin to an umbilical cord that cannot be easily severed. Even when the connection is broken, the emotional attachment remains.

The pressure to get married may be a significant factor in your reluctance to return home. It is possible that your sexual orientation is unacceptable to them.

Perhaps you have not yet had an open discussion with them, and you are simply suppressing your feelings. You will have to face your parents' criticism as soon as you return home, and you will not be able to spend the New Year happily with your family, so you have no choice but to endure the situation.

For young people who are often pressured to get married, the Chinese New Year presents a significant challenge. For you, it may be a double ordeal. It seems to me that this period represents a significant test of your resilience.

Furthermore, it is an intractable issue.

Currently, you are still facing the challenging task of securing a public rental housing unit and purchasing furniture. Your employment status is also uncertain, which is understandable given these circumstances. Given the triple pressure of work, love, and marriage, I have a few suggestions for you.

The first step is to provide emotional support to your parents and wish them a happy New Year. It is a common desire among the elderly to reunite with their family during this festive period. Regardless of their demeanor, their love for their children remains genuine.

Use a conciliatory approach to reassure your parents. Once you have expressed your feelings, they will be satisfied.

This indicates that you are currently unable to extricate yourself from the situation. As long as you maintain a neutral stance, they will understand your position.

Secondly, sexual orientation and marriage are matters of personal choice, and it is expected that all parties involved will respect your choice. However, it is possible that your parents may still adhere to traditional gender roles or that they may not be able to understand or accept your unique sexual orientation. This can be a challenging situation and requires a little patience.

As multiculturalism gains influence in society, they will gradually understand and accept it. It may take some time and patience, so take your time. However, the problem cannot be avoided. Find a suitable time when you and your father can chat alone, when your father is in a good mood, and talk to him about your feelings, your understanding and gratitude towards your parents, your psychological needs, your attitude towards life, and tell them your decision, hoping to gain their understanding and support.

Third, you stated that you have always been a model child, and now you feel some guilt for going against your parents' wishes. I can understand that. Everyone has to rebel once in their lives to find themselves.

It is beneficial to recognize the positive aspects of your recent actions. Your decision to challenge your parents' expectations demonstrates a rational and mature rebellion, marking the beginning of your personal growth and a sign of maturity. While you may feel some compassion for your parents' sadness, it is important to acknowledge that this is a natural emotion. It is likely that you will eventually resolve the misunderstandings and resume a loving relationship with them. It is essential to understand that blood ties and family love are unchanging.

I extend my best wishes to you for a happy new year.

I hope you feel some warmth and support, and I am confident that my answer will be of some help to you.

The New Year brings with it a lot of worries. Whether it's your parents' expectations, your own identity, or work and financial issues, it's clear that none of us can solve them overnight. Instead of dwelling on these problems and feeling dissatisfied, it's time to let go and focus on the New Year. Talk to your parents and family about these issues. Tell them your concerns and ask for their support and help. You don't have to be at odds with them. They want you to succeed, and you want the same for yourself. We're all striving for the same goals.

My advice to you is this:

You must accept the status quo and accept yourself. Only when you can accept yourself can you have the strength to face the voices from the outside world.

We can and should look at these problems we have and see what can be changed and what cannot. Then, we must let go of the things that cannot be changed and accept the situation as it is. Because no matter how anxious and worried we are about things that cannot be changed, they will remain unchanged. It will only make us more exhausted.

No matter what your situation is, you have to learn to accept and understand yourself. Tell yourself, "I am not married and my job is unstable, but I still accept and love myself!" This is not a slogan. It is a heartfelt message to yourself. You can say it to yourself with feeling, with care, and with support. When you say it often enough, you will have a stronger inner strength to face all kinds of external voices.

2. Use the Chinese New Year holiday to find support in all aspects of your life.

I believe that although your parents are pushing you to get married, there are still many people among your relatives and friends who can understand and support you. Talk to them openly during the New Year and express your true feelings and thoughts, seeking their support and help. For example, if your uncle or aunt understand you better, then when your parents push you to get married, you can ask your uncle or aunt to speak for you.

Your parents want you to be happy, and they're pushing for marriage because they think it'll make you happy. You don't feel ready to get married yet, but you also want to be happy. Talk to them and tell them you want to be happy and that it's not that you don't want to get married. When you're ready, you will get married. You just haven't met the right person yet. At the same time, express your gratitude for their concern and make it clear that you want them to respect your pace and wishes. I believe this will help ease the atmosphere in your family and make your parents feel more at ease.

3. Make a list of affirmations and positive mental suggestions to give yourself strength.

If you're worried about facing negative comments when you go home for the New Year, you need to give yourself more positive affirmation. This will protect you from others' negativity and doubts.

Make a list of the good things in your life. You don't have to be married to have a fulfilling life. You have more free time, fewer family conflicts, and the freedom to spend your money as you see fit. You can still live a meaningful life and make yourself happy, healthy, and joyful every day. Not being married doesn't make me any less worthy. I'm also outstanding in other ways. I have specialties, friends, and experiences that make me who I am.

Affirm yourself, recognize the good in yourself, and don't let yourself be defined by one or two standards. When you broaden your scope of life, you'll see that nothing is all of you. Adjust your focus to the beautiful things you can feel in the moment, like your mother cooking a favorite dish today, a good friend calling to say hello, seeing dazzling and colorful fireworks, and experiencing something for the first time in your life that you haven't done before.

This is for reference only. Best wishes!