Marital problems for couples: back to sleepless nights, sometimes feeling that you are not good enough for him?

Hello. I see that you have been criticized and discredited by your previous partners, and that every relationship has been short-lived. You are trying to eliminate the previous impact by constantly dating. Now you have a lover, and he is very tolerant of you. However, you cannot forgive yourself. You are caught in the anxiety of unworthiness, and you feel very painful, which in turn leads to insomnia.

You have conflicting desires within you. You want a beautiful relationship, but you cannot concentrate on enjoying the intimacy of the moment. This is an avoidance conflict. You want it, but you feel that you don't deserve it, and you feel inferior.

Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT) teaches that your thoughts and beliefs determine your emotions and behaviors. It's clear that you have a middle belief in your cognition: "I have done something to let my boyfriend down, but he's treating me so leniently. I have let him down and I cannot forgive myself." This may be related to the fact that you were maligned by your previous boyfriend, or even to the way you were raised by your parents in your original family.

You say that every relationship you have is very short-lived. Have you analyzed why? Every relationship has something we need to learn and grow. You said you start the next relationship to eliminate the negative effects of the previous one. Has that worked? You avoided things, and they came back to you. This time you met a nice person who understands and accepts you. Now, you can do it again and know and accept yourself.

If you want to maintain an intimate relationship, you have to be able to love. The humanistic master Rogers said that love is deep understanding and acceptance. You have to learn to love yourself and fill your heart with love before you can love others and give your boyfriend your love.

Read the book "Knowing How to Love," which is dedicated to intimate relationships. You need to learn how to enter a real intimate relationship. You are a very lucky girl. After meeting someone who denigrates you, you have met someone who accepts you. Work hard to learn to love and accept yourself, so that you can enjoy your love freely.

The Yiyi Psychology platform has the best marriage and relationship counselors and listeners in the business. They can accompany and support you in healing your psychological stress.

You will overcome your troubles soon. I am certain of it.

Everyone is a beacon of light! Whether you're asking questions or answering them, words can illuminate the hearts of many people, and this is our shared energy.

Hello, I'm Coach Fly, and I'm excited to help you! I can feel the pressure on your mind, but I'm here to help you manage it. You want to live a good life with your partner and manage your marriage and family well. When your partner found out that you and your ex-boyfriend worked in the same company and expressed his understanding and tolerance, it made you feel guilty instead. Let's work through this together!

Let's embrace each other from afar and explore the questions that have been on your mind.

1. The importance of marriage, respect, and love for the other person

I can sense that you value your marriage very much and that you have a lot of love and respect for your partner. It is precisely because of this emotional foundation that you are cautious about the past and full of "respect" and "protection" for your partner, which is so admirable! You want to make sure you don't hurt him in the relationship, and I think that's great!

There are so many fascinating scenarios in life, including movie plots, where something that is obviously very simple becomes much more complicated when it comes to the people involved. The purpose of concealment and white lies is love and the desire not to cause harm.

However, this goodwill is often interpreted as "distrust" by the other party, which is a problem of miscommunication. At the same time, it is precisely because both parties love each other that they are more likely to think from the other's perspective, which is great!

You've also talked about getting along with the opposite sex before marriage, which is great! But why does your ex-boyfriend make you more nervous and "guilty"? What do you associate with?

I'd love to know what you think your partner is thinking!

And what did you think when he made his position clear? It's so important to understand your emotions and the needs behind them, because that's how you solve problems!

But first, you have to deal with your mood!

His understanding and tolerance activate your inner feelings of inferiority. Someone who treats you so well makes you feel like you're "unworthy," but there's a way to turn this around!

The feeling of discomfort after receiving a certain value/benefit is called "a sense of unworthiness" in psychology. But here's the good news! When a person does not feel worthy enough, they will avoid the gifts, money, opportunities, and friendships that have been bestowed upon them. This is your chance to show yourself that you are worthy of all the good things in life!

It's not just about what your ex said. It's also about your childhood memories and how your parents raised you. All of this adds up to a low sense of value.

A person's sense of entitlement is related to "self-worth." And what an amazing thing self-worth is! It's a subjective judgment of one's own value, not an objective one.

But here's the good news! This self-evaluation often comes from our parents' evaluation of us when we were young. And parents who often affirm, praise, and agree with their children will help enhance their sense of worth. This means that the children will then behave confidently and with strength!

Parents who constantly deny, criticize, and blame their children will cause their children's sense of value to decrease, making them sensitive and suspicious, develop inferiority complexes, and self-deny and doubt themselves. But there's a better way!

When you own something of value, it's a great feeling! You think you are valuable and worth having, so you deserve to have it.

The foundation of a sense of entitlement is "self-worth." I've got just the article for you! Check out "It turns out that the root cause of psychological problems is it," on my personal homepage. It's got all the tips you need to enhance a sense of worth!

2. A happy marriage is a wonderful thing! It requires the joint efforts and care of both parties, and it's so worth it!

Your past is yours and yours alone! And your partner's past is theirs and theirs alone! Everyone has the right to pursue happiness, and we are all constantly groping for it before it actually arrives!

All you have to do is show your partner love and understanding. You can even open your heart to him completely! Don't talk about the past, just share with him the rejection you've suffered. This will show him why you feel so humble in front of him and more stressed when facing his kindness.

And there's more! A social support system is also needed for one's healing. And intimate relationships are undoubtedly the people who can provide you with the most help and emotional nourishment.

I really hope the above is helpful to you! And I just want to say, the world and I love you! ??

If you want to continue the conversation, just click "Find a coach" in the upper right or bottom corner, and I'll be there to chat and grow with you one-on-one!

Hello, host! I'm July, and I'm so excited to be here!

After reading your description, I totally get what you're asking! I'd also love to give you a hug in the fourth dimension!

From the problems you mentioned in your description, I can see that your current thoughts are closely related to your past experiences. This is great because it means you have the opportunity to work on some unresolved issues and make positive changes!

What do I mean? Sometimes it is useful to escape, but if you keep escaping, the problem will always remain. It will not disappear just because you are avoiding it. Rather, these problems will be suppressed, so some problems will continue to affect you in the present. But there is a way to stop this from happening!

As you can see from your description, you are very open to the responses of others, which is why you are eager to hear from them. You really want to be recognized and understood by others, and you don't want anyone to denigrate you too much. So, when you find that your boyfriend is denigrating you, you will subconsciously resist them and not want to spend much time with them.

You really want others to recognize you more!

Regarding the problem you mentioned in your description, I'm excited to tell you that you can overcome your feelings of unworthiness! It seems that you're dependent on your husband, which is understandable. You've come to rely on his acceptance and tolerance, and that's great! However, it's also important to recognize that your feelings of unworthiness may be driven by a deeper fear of losing your husband. It's natural to feel this way, but you have the power to change it.

I've also put together a few simple tricks to help you out of this pickle. I'm sure they'll do the trick!

(1) It's totally normal to feel the way you do! It's likely that some deeper-seated problems have not been finally resolved, so you're in a bit of a rough patch. But you know what? That's okay! Take it easy and don't put too much pressure on yourself. You've got this!

(2) It's time to face your current fears head-on! Avoidance only makes your current situation more difficult.

(3) You can give yourself more positive self-suggestions and encouragement, so that you can have more confidence in solving the problems you are facing. And you will!

(4) Get yourself out of that negative situation! It's tough to get out of a bad mood in a short time, so try to distract yourself.

(5) You can have a great conversation with your husband! Talk about your thoughts and feelings and let it all out. It'll help you feel better!

The world and I love you so much! ?

Take care!

Greetings,

Furthermore, it is evident that the questioner is grappling with an internal conflict.

Upon learning that her former romantic partner and her current spouse were employed at the same company, the questioner felt compelled to divulge a secret she had been harboring, yet she was uncertain as to the optimal manner of initiating such a disclosure.

It is imperative to consider your husband's feelings and self-esteem, as well as to ascertain his genuine sentiments regarding the incident in question.

Furthermore, such deliberation causes significant emotional distress.

Subsequently, following her marriage, she developed a sense of inferiority and a perception that she was undeserving of her husband's affection.

While your husband demonstrates comprehension and strives to elucidate his sentiments and rationale.

The questioner consistently exhibits a tendency to ruminate on past events, manifesting as a sense of regret.

It is also recommended that you prioritize your own well-being, engage in self-care, and cultivate inner strength.

It is also imperative to prioritize self-care, engage in self-reflection, and cultivate inner strength.

It is not reasonable to expect one's husband to be the sole source of emotional support.

Furthermore, one can assume the role of the initiator in a relationship.

It is important to express one's sadness and loss, as well as one's fear and unease.

There are notable differences between the cognitive processes of men and women. In some cases, men may not demonstrate the same degree of emotional sensitivity as women.

Thus, your expression is meaningful for self-soothing and meaningful for him to perceive you delicately.

Those experiencing distress, depression, or guilt may benefit from counseling with a therapist whose personality aligns with their own. This approach can facilitate the process of rebuilding oneself.

It is my sincere hope that you will experience happiness.

Hello, dear questioner! I'm Jiang 61.

Thank you so much for trusting us and being willing to tell us about your problems so that we can help you. From your account, I can tell that you have a very low self-esteem. I'm here for you and I'm sending you a big hug to give you strength and courage.

Now, let's chat about how we can help you overcome this inferiority complex together!

1. Low self-esteem

You say, "I have had short relationships because the people I dated before marriage basically criticized and denigrated me. I hope to eliminate the effects of the past through continuous dating."

1. Defamation

Let's talk about blame-shifting people.

It seems like your boyfriend has a bit of a habit of denigrating and criticizing you. I'm guessing that means most of your boyfriends have been of the blaming type.

People who blame others often ignore the feelings of others, are used to attacking and criticizing others, and pass the buck. They often say things like, "It's all your fault," or "What's wrong with you?"

Hello! I'm Jiang 61, and I'm here to help. I'm going to start by explaining what we're trying to achieve here.

Let's take a peek inside the hearts and minds of folks who are accusatory. They're often feeling a bit lonely and afraid of failure. They tend to keep their distance from others and prefer to be isolated. They value, defend, and maintain authority, and they have an extreme sense of insecurity.

So, your boyfriend uses accusations to make you feel guilty, inferior, and not as good as him. This is his way of boosting his own status and sense of value.

Let's look at the results together.

It's clear that you've fallen into a trap set by your boyfriend. It's so hard to get the commitment you want from someone you love, isn't it? It can really hurt you inside. It's totally normal to feel bad about yourself and develop feelings of inferiority and lack of self-confidence. These feelings can make every relationship last very short.

2. The influence of your family of origin

It's totally understandable that you're easily influenced by your boyfriend's comments. It's likely that your parents in your original family often criticized you in this way, making you feel worthless and useless. It's so common to lack self-confidence, to feel easily attacked by others, and to feel powerless.

3. Personality We all have different personalities, and that's totally okay! Some of us are more outgoing, while others are more introverted. Some of us are more assertive, while others are more passive. And that's perfectly fine! You might be more introverted, for example. That's okay! It just means you're more likely to take care of others' feelings and neglect your own. That's not a bad thing! It just means you're more focused on others' needs. We all have different personalities, and that's what makes us unique!

It's clear that you're a sweet, mild-mannered introvert who's not very good at standing up for yourself. You're the type of person who puts other people's feelings first and doesn't always take care of your own.

You're the kind of person who always tries to make others happy.

People who are always trying to make others happy often forget about their own feelings. They often say things like, "It's all my fault," or "I want to make you happy."

They're just so kind and sweet, always apologizing and begging.

It's so sad to see how your boyfriend's personality makes him feel weak and vulnerable, and how he often attacks and bullies you.

2. Shame

You said, "We got married when we were basically over with my boyfriend (before marriage he knew that I had dated a lot)." It's totally understandable! Because my husband and my ex-boyfriend worked in the same unit, I didn't tell him before marriage, and I also slipped up.

My husband is so understanding. He knows about my affair with my ex-boyfriend and said that as long as it doesn't happen during the marriage, we can discuss it and it's okay.

1. Empathy

From what you've told me about your husband, he's a kind, gentle, generous, and sensitive soul. He's able to understand his own feelings and take care of your feelings too. His words, emotions, feelings, and moods are consistent, and it's clear to me that he's a person of consistency.

Consistency is when a person's words and actions show that they're aware of themselves, that they're in tune with what they're saying and doing, and that they're happy with who they are.

The goal, as advocated by Satir, is to have consistency between appearance and reality. This model is based on a high sense of self-worth, and his interactions can achieve a harmonious interaction between the self, others, and the situation.

It's a state of being and a way of communicating with yourself and others.

So, when he gets what you've been through, feels for you, helps you get out of the shadow, and doesn't burden you, you feel really comfortable and safe.

2. Shame It's totally normal to feel ashamed when you've done something wrong. We all feel it sometimes!

Your husband is so understanding, and he's so much better than your ex-boyfriend! But you're still blaming yourself, feeling inferior, and lacking confidence. You're even doubting whether you deserve such a great guy! And you're feeling really ashamed that you hid the fact that your ex-boyfriend was your husband's colleague.

3. Solutions to your problems

You say, "But now I'm back to the same old state of insomnia and pain. Sometimes I feel that I'm not good enough for him. What should I do?"

1. The cause of insomnia and suffering

It's totally normal to feel this way! When we're around someone who is really impressive, it's only natural to feel a bit inadequate. It's usually because we're comparing our own shortcomings with our partner's amazing strengths.

So, you feel like you're not good enough for him. And you're also worried that one day he'll stop loving you because you're not perfect. I totally get it.

This is the main reason for your insomnia and suffering, my dear.

2. Let go, my dear.

It's so important to be able to see your emotions.

It's totally normal to feel a range of emotions after seeing your boyfriend's understanding of you. It's natural to have a series of thoughts after such an experience. It's okay if you feel a bit uneasy, self-blame, or inferiority.

Let go of your obsession, my dear.

Your emotions come from a deep-rooted belief that you're not good enough and that you're inferior to others. It's so hard to see your own good side, the side that your husband should accept and appreciate.

Letting go of obsessions means changing your mindset and seeing your own strengths. It's so important to find a reason for others to appreciate you and a reason for your own success.

I know it can be tough, but try to focus on the good things you've done in the past.

If you let go of your faults and see your own good points, your emotions will disappear. I know it can be tough, but I'm here to support you.

Let it out!

It's totally normal to feel anxious and uneasy sometimes. We all do! But it's also important to recognize that these feelings are just that — feelings. They don't define you. And they don't need to be suppressed. It's possible that you've been feeling this way because you lack confidence and feel unworthy. But you are worthy! You are confident! You are worthy! It's okay to feel this way. It's okay to think about it day and night. But you don't need to let it take over your life. You can find ways to relieve yourself of these feelings. You can talk to someone. You can write them down. You can do whatever it takes to feel better.

When you met your understanding husband, you told him your psychological state and let him understand your current situation. He listened carefully, and even if he didn't say anything, it was a kind of emotional release for you and you felt better. If he can enlighten you, you don't have to think too much, your heart will settle down, and your anxiety will disappear. I'm sure he'll be able to help you!

3. Building Self-Confidence

If you feel like you're falling behind your husband, don't worry! You can catch up in no time by putting in a little extra effort.

Let's talk about communicating consistently.

Consistency is the goal of interpersonal communication, as Satir would say. When you learn to communicate consistently, you're able to express the same message with your words and emotions, without any misunderstandings or ambiguity.

Let's say you tell your husband you're feeling anxious. If your voice sounds tense and restrained, your body is stiff, your skin is dull, your eyes are fixed on one spot, and your other verbal expressions support your words, you're communicating consistently.

When you communicate consistently, it's like turning off the light switch to your emotions. All that anxiety and confusion just fade away!

And guess what? Your self-confidence also improves!

It's so important to learn to manage your emotions!

It's so important to manage your emotions in your relationships! When you manage your emotions, you can:

It's so important to recognize your emotions.

This is the first step in emotional management. It's so important to recognize what you're feeling. When you have an emotion, recognize what it is: anxiety, anger, sadness, etc.

It's so important to accept your emotions.

When you're feeling good, it's because your emotions are in tune with what's going on around you. So, the first thing to do is to tell yourself: "My current emotions are normal." This is accepting your emotions.

This means that your emotions will calm down, and you'll feel at peace again.

It's so important to express your emotions!

Emotional expression is all about sharing your own feelings. It's a way of saying, "I'm feeling... because..."

Cultivating emotions is a wonderful thing to do!

Cultivating and practicing emotion management is a great way to help you handle all aspects of emotions and learn to grow. There are so many ways you can do this!

1) And, you know, living a regular life will also help to keep your emotions nice and stable.

2) Find something you love to do and make it your hobby. Let your positive emotions drive you, love yourself and love life, and feel the beauty of life.

(3) Show your love and care for others, and let love dwell in your heart. There's nothing more joyful than helping others, especially when they're helping themselves!

(4) Get out into nature! It'll open your mind and help you feel calm and stable.

(5) Surround yourself with people who are committed to you and who you can count on. Spend time with them and you'll feel more stable emotionally.

You'll learn to manage your emotions, have good interpersonal, family, and intimate relationships, and your self-confidence will soar!

You've got this! Have confidence in yourself.

We all have past habits that can make us feel insecure and on edge. It's hard to imagine how they impact our lives, but they do! Having confidence can change your present.

It's so important to know yourself!

It's so important to know your abilities, your strengths, and your weaknesses. It's also good to know what you can and can't do, what you need and don't need, what you can offer others, and what you can't offer others. And there are other things related to you that you should know too!

Take control of your behavior, my friend!

When you understand your own abilities, you'll find that other people's emotions, evaluations, or accusations won't bother you as much. You'll be able to control your own behavior, have a true sense of self, a sense of worth, and confidence.

Dear Question Owner, Building self-confidence is the key to your success! It's also the driving force and source of a happy and beautiful tomorrow. Self-confidence will take you a long way and give you everything you hope for. Wishing you all the best!

I just want to wish the author all the very best!

You have also experienced some very dark days. In those situations, you would escape because those people were always full of slander against you. It was hurtful. If you are always in bed, it may affect your personality.

To achieve a good state, we need to reconcile with the past and develop boundaries. What happened in the past is over. It's not just about the hurt, but also about becoming stronger.

You have left the past behind and are stronger and more determined to face your life. You have a new family and a husband who is optimistic. He can stay with you for life and support you.

Your emotions used to change a lot.

This is a symbol of rebound relationships. You jump from one place to another.

Some people are prone to using this method, so it will show up. You have talked to many people in the past, just touching on the surface.

Your husband is in the same unit as your ex. You didn't tell him before marriage, and now that you have, you feel bad. You are worried that you will still suffer from insomnia, but that is already in the past. You could have set a boundary, and now that you have told your husband, you have also been honest.

You should be happy because you haven't fully faced your past. I suggest you get help. As a coach, I recommend you read books like "Secret Corners of the Heart," "It Will Get Better," and "The Soft Hedgehog." You can also talk to someone you trust. Good luck!

ZQ?

Hello, question asker!

I have carefully read your question and I'm so excited to answer it!

Hugging you from across the screen!

You've had many boyfriends!

Guess what! I'm now married!

I am suffering from insomnia now, but I know I can get through it! I just need to remember that I am worthy of him.

I'd absolutely love to go through it with you! I really hope it will be comforting and inspiring for you.

1. It's time for a fresh start! Re-evaluate the way the object criticizes and denigrates you.

I'm so excited to hear more about your experiences!

You say, "The people I dated before marriage basically badmouthed me, so every relationship I've been in has been short-lived." But that's not true! Every relationship you've been in has been a learning experience. You've learned what you don't want in a partner. You've also learned what you do want.

You can absolutely eliminate the impact through constant interaction!

Now, have you thought about how the other person's slander has affected you?

When we don't have a stable perception of ourselves, that is, when we don't know what kind of person we are, our strengths and weaknesses, it's time to take control! Other people's comments or slander can affect us, but we can choose to let it or not.

You may even doubt whether you are really bad!

Have you ever thought that the slander silently enters your mind, you unconsciously agree with the statement, and then you doubt that you are not good enough for the other person? Well, you can stop that from happening!

Guess what! What others say sometimes really doesn't matter that much.

How you see yourself is the most important thing!

We absolutely cannot become a worthless person because of someone else's slander!

But here's the good news! We can try to affirm ourselves more, knowing the harm they have caused us.

And the great news is that we can also slowly recover from their hurt.

You are the only one who can define you!

2. About having dated many people.

Have you ever thought about how you view the fact that you have dated many people? It's an interesting question, isn't it?

What do you think? Is it wrong to have dated many people?

Or when the husband and ex-boyfriend are one unit and we didn't tell him before marriage, it's wrong, and we will judge ourselves.

It's not the event itself that hurts us, it's our perception of it!

Your husband has already told you the great news! As long as it is not within the marriage, everything can be discussed and settled.

So why not let it go and move on?

The fact that your husband can have this attitude is proof that he's focused on the present—and that's a great thing!

The focus is on you and your husband forming a family!

So, it's really important for couples to manage their marriage well, to understand and tolerate each other. That way, they can avoid doubting themselves and feeling unworthy.

When we feel unworthy, even in the best relationships, we can easily let ourselves be consumed by anxiety and pain. But there is a way out!

3. And now for something really exciting! Let's enhance your sense of entitlement and self-worth!

We are aware of some problems, but there are also problems that our subconscious mind does not notice — and that means there's room for improvement!

We are aware of some problems, but there are also problems that our subconscious mind does not notice — and that means there's room for improvement!

If your husband treats you well, or if someone else treats you well, and they give you a very valuable gift, but you are afraid to enjoy it, always feeling that you are not good enough, doubting yourself and lacking confidence in yourself,

This is the manifestation of a lack of self-worth. But there is a solution!

And it also gives a sense of low-level satisfaction!

Guess what! Just as when we were children, or even as adults, there are always people who criticize us or badmouth us. And we unknowingly agree with them, thinking that we are not good enough to deserve a good life. But we are! We are!

So you will have the incredible opportunity to experience insomnia and pain!

The easiest way is to keep a positive diary!

That's right!

Write down the three things you appreciate most about yourself that day. Then, get up the next morning and read the three positive entries you wrote last night!

Guess what! By constantly appreciating ourselves during the two natural hypnotic periods before going to bed and when we first wake up, our self-worth will definitely increase significantly!

And there's more! You should also say to yourself:

You are valuable, you are unique, and you contribute!

And this is true for husbands, as well as for family and friends!

Our very existence is valuable and wonderful!

Absolutely! You should absolutely trust your husband's judgment and trust yourself!

Live your best life and be happy!

Just share these!

Just share these!

If you're interested, you've got to check out the Pocket Practice of One Psychology! It includes special exercises to enhance a sense of worth and self-identity.

Wishing you all the best!

Respect and trust each other!

I am so happy and honored! I'm sorry in advance because I've been busy at the hospital, but I'd love to express my deep humility and ask for your understanding.

Take a deep breath, warm yourself up, and let your light shine! You've already identified the great qualities in your boyfriend, so now it's time to learn from him.

Absolutely! He can be with you because he affirms you. Let's bring out our own strengths and compare!

Be good to yourself! There's absolutely no need to cause yourself trouble. We all need to have self-confidence, and that is what will make you shine!

In short, no matter what the circumstances, you absolutely have to learn to love yourself, appreciate your own merits, and constantly learn and grow! If you have time, you can participate in more outdoor activities to broaden your horizons. With self-confidence, your boyfriend will like you even more!

Absolutely! I think you should both be equal and understand each other.

It doesn't matter what your status, wealth, or beauty is—as long as your heart is together, your relationship will be amazing! Being with someone you love is what makes for a happy life.

My friend, don't ever feel inferior! We're here for you and we'll always be your strong backing. You've got this! You're someone who truly loves you. We're not saints, but we're all ordinary people, and we're going to watch ourselves, give ourselves backbone, and give ourselves courage!

I really hope your dreams come true!