My boyfriend doesn't want me to go on a trip with my friends. What should I do?

Dear Questioner, My name is Yang Yiqing, a psychological counselor at One Psychological. After reviewing your question, I would like to provide the following analysis and suggestions, with the hope of being of some assistance to you.

It appears that this is a matter of differing opinions regarding choices and priorities. It seems that there are differences in your boyfriend's and your personalities at play. It is likely that such conflicts will arise again in the future. This is because it is not just a matter of solving problems, but also of being influenced by some internal concepts. Therefore, it may be helpful to consider the following:

To whom does your boyfriend delegate responsibility for his sense of security?

To whom does your boyfriend delegate responsibility for his sense of security?

It appears that your boyfriend is experiencing significant concern regarding your well-being. The decision to travel with a non-partner has led to a heightened state of anxiety, and he is now expecting constant updates. This level of monitoring is likely to be perceived as excessive, particularly in the context of other personal issues he may be facing.

This also raises questions about your boyfriend's personal issues. Is he overly worried? Why is he like this?

Please describe his sensitivity to other factors.

Furthermore, there is the issue of the "lack of security" behind your boyfriend's behavior.

I can see that you are more inclined to protect your boyfriend and make concessions now, but what about the future? His reaction may be reflected in other things in the future. Are you willing to take responsibility for his sense of security and pay the price?

It is important to note that while you can play a supportive role in enhancing your boyfriend's personal sense of security, he must also take the initiative to expand his comfort zone. This could involve activities such as taking him on adventures and exploring new experiences together.

Who is responsible for ensuring your personal safety?

One of the key concerns raised is that of personal safety, which is also a significant priority for your current partner.

Based on your own assessment and past experience, you are confident about this trip. As an independent individual, you are responsible for your own choices, including taking the necessary precautions and safety measures during the trip.

However, the boyfriend's interference is likely to be due to his assumption of responsibility for your personal safety, which has proven to be more challenging than he anticipated. This has led to his intervention and objections.

This concept is known as "task separation." It means that each party is responsible for their own tasks, and neither party should encroach on the other's responsibilities. It is essential that both parties do a good job of separating each other's tasks and give each other some space.

Therefore, you should simply inform your boyfriend of your assessment of the trip and your decision to take responsibility for it. After that, you should just be yourself.

The question of friendship versus love is an important one.

From your description, I can also see your choice between friendship and love. Have you considered the idea of your boyfriend spending time with his friends while you spend time with your boyfriend? It seems that in your heart, love is more important than friendship. Is that the case?

I would like to suggest that you take the time to gain a clear understanding of the relationship. A strong friendship can last a lifetime, and love is also an important aspect of any intimate relationship. Both are of significant importance to an individual. It is important to think carefully and make an informed decision.

It is important to note that girls are a vulnerable group in society and are susceptible to harm. However, this does not imply that girls are incapable of taking action. Instead, it is essential to ensure their preparedness for various situations, enabling them to lead safe and fulfilling lives.

Best regards,

Should you have any questions or wish to discuss any matter further, please do not hesitate to contact me. Best regards, [Name]

Greetings, questioner.

I had already made the necessary arrangements, including booking a hotel and train tickets, and was fully prepared to depart. However, my boyfriend did not offer to pick me up or provide any support for my decision to go.

I am concerned about my boyfriend. I am aware that this kind of situation can cause feelings of insecurity. On the first day, I informed my friend that I would be accompanying him for a period of time.

"Now I am uncertain as to the appropriate course of action. Let us attempt to resolve this matter collectively."

Different perspectives on a given topic often manifest in disparate behaviors and give rise to varying emotional experiences. With respect to travel and the choice of travel companions, there are notable differences between your perspective and that of your boyfriend.

Although your friends met online, they have previously travelled together, thus they are not strangers. Your boyfriend has not had contact with these people, and thus he perceives them as different from his actual friends.

Therefore, they do not endorse your decision to embark on a journey.

Given your inclination towards greater consideration of others' emotions, it is understandable that you are more hesitant and uncertain about the best course of action.

Individuals' interests and hobbies are shaped by their upbringing, yet they are not immutable. One's receptivity to novel experiences influences the extent to which one's interests and hobbies evolve.

An open mind is essential for the expansion of interests and the enlargement of the circle of friends. It would be beneficial to attempt to persuade your boyfriend to accompany you on a trip so that he can become acquainted with your friends.

Even if he subsequently develops an aversion to travel, he will nevertheless acquiesce to your request to accompany you and your friends on your excursion.

It is important to convey to your partner that you have friends outside of the relationship. However, if you intend to spend a significant amount of time together, it is essential to prioritize spending quality time together. One effective way to do this is by traveling together. Therefore, it would be beneficial to encourage your boyfriend to accompany you on future trips.

In the event that your boyfriend is genuinely disinclined to accompany you, it is imperative to recognize the existence of a boundary between intimate partners and to demonstrate respect and acceptance for each other's interests and hobbies.

It is reasonable to assume that the other person has their own social circles, and that some of these circles may not align with your preferences.

Adjusting the perception of the mutual independence of boundaries in a relationship allows for the simultaneous act of independence and interdependence. This is an optimal relationship dynamic.

A change in beliefs about the relationship will result in a corresponding change in behavior, leading to a shift from rejection to acceptance or permission. Additionally, emotions will evolve from frustration caused by the other person's disregard for advice to a sense of relief.

It is also crucial to avoid exacerbating the notion that the other individual's actions are a manifestation of a lack of affection due to differing perspectives. Otherwise, one may become unduly preoccupied with this perception, leading to an endless cycle of entanglement.

It is my hope that this information will prove useful to you. Best regards,

Thank you for the invitation. I am Huijuan.

It appears that I am in a position where I am eager to embark on an excursion with my companions.

However, my boyfriend has a different opinion. Should I follow my own wishes or my boyfriend's?

There are compelling arguments on both sides, and I am confident that you have been carefully considering the situation for some time.

Emotions: We have had a good working relationship for approximately five or six years.

The necessity for travel arises from the fact that a friend is going abroad, which is a rare occurrence.

Safety and familiarity: You have a long-standing relationship, spanning five or six years, and have traveled together frequently.

The itinerary is confirmed, the train tickets have been purchased, and the accommodation has been arranged.

You are now faced with a dilemma: should you obey your boyfriend and maintain the relationship, or should you go on the trip?

Your boyfriend's rationale is that online acquaintances should not meet in person. However, you do not actually concur with this perspective, do you?

Firstly, your boyfriend was introduced via the internet.

Secondly, this group of people initially met online but have since transitioned to in-person interactions, which have been ongoing for approximately five or six years. It is worth noting that there is a discrepancy in opinion regarding this matter.

The rationale provided is that you feel your boyfriend lacks a sense of security due to your social activities. Even if you were to inform him that you intend to report and broadcast the situation,

He is lacking in the sense of security.

From my perspective, even if two individuals are in a relationship, they will likely maintain their own lives and social circles.

If the two individuals in a relationship have a shared social circle, they will become more familiar with each other and gain a deeper understanding of one another.

However, if there is a lack of corresponding intersections in life, this situation is inevitable.

You have indicated that you intend to remain in the relationship for the foreseeable future, yet you are motivated to provide reassurance. It would be prudent to consider how your actions might impact his sense of security.

However, you have indicated that you wish to maintain your current travel plans. If that is indeed the case, I would advise you to be firm in your stance and proceed with your desired course of action.

It is to be expected that two people who wish to spend time together will have differing ideas and interests. Each will have their own unique aspects of their lives.

If you consider giving up to be a compromise, you can insist on your position because compromising is not seeking perfection. It is simply a form of retreat.

He is unable to build a relationship. The process of building a relationship is to gain a deeper understanding of each other through challenges and differences, and then to find a balance.

This is my assessment. It is also the initial step in fostering a collaborative relationship between two individuals.

Hello, question asker! I am Warm-hearted Girl 1219, and I will answer your question on Yi Xinli.

From your description, it's clear that your boyfriend is not very confident about you going on a trip with 8 or 9 online friends alone, despite your reassurances that you've known them for a long time and have gone on many trips together.

I share your boyfriend's feelings of insecurity. Let's be real, you're a girl, and they're just internet friends, even though you've become real friends.

I have the following suggestions for you:

Listen to your boyfriend's advice and don't go on the trip for safety reasons.

You're a girl going on a trip with a group of online friends, including members of the opposite sex. Your boyfriend will naturally worry about your safety.

The person you will spend the rest of your life with is your boyfriend, not those online friends. He is the most important person in your life.

Don't go on the trip if you recognize that your boyfriend is more important than those Internet friends. This will reassure him and protect your safety.

Bring your boyfriend along if you care about your friendship with the netizen.

☀️If you trust those online friends, you should communicate more with your boyfriend and ask him to go with you.

If something happens, he can protect you. You won't have to worry about you being home alone.

3. Discuss the matter with your parents and trusted friends to see if their opinions align with your boyfriend's.

Parents, close friends, and boyfriends are all important people in your life who care about you. If they all agree, you should definitely not travel.

? Based on the above three suggestions, I firmly believe that it is better not to travel. I urge you to think twice and make an informed decision.

I wish you the best.

Hello, I'm Jiang 61!

First of all, thank you so much for trusting us and being willing to tell us your thoughts. I can see that you are in a difficult situation because your boyfriend is not participating in or supporting the trip you want to go on, but I'm here to help!

I totally get it. Let's have a hug and chat.

One, he cares!

From your description, it's clear you and your boyfriend have different ideas about traveling. It's great you have different things you care about and different attachments!

1. Boyfriend

He has a different set of travel plans in mind!

The boyfriend also met online and doesn't know the friends I'm traveling with. I informed him early about my trip, but I didn't know that he really didn't like it and didn't support me. On the bright side, I got to meet some amazing new people along the way!

And the reason is...

It's just that it's not reasonable to go with a group of online friends, and he also said that these people are different from real friends.

The unspoken reason is that I'm not used to being with people I don't know, but I'm excited to get out of my comfort zone! Deep down, I have a sense of fear and insecurity about socializing online, but I'm ready to face my fears head-on.

And the reason behind it is...

My boyfriend is really passionate about social circles and expressions of love.

I'm not too keen on meeting new people, and I'd prefer it if you didn't go out with other people.

2. Your explanation

And the reason is...

There were about eight or nine people, both male and female, who had been good friends for five, six, or seven years. Because a friend was going abroad to study for a master's degree, this was supposed to be the last gathering for a few years, so I was really excited to go!

This group of people is the same group of friends I met online and have known since the beginning. We absolutely love hanging out together and have gone on group trips together more than ten times!

And now for the best part: the reason for going on a trip!

But my friend and I have known each other for a long time and have met many times, not unlike real friends. I am a huge fan of games myself, so I'm really lucky to have made so many friends online from the gaming community!

You're with friends you've known for years, and you know you can trust them. They're safe, and you know you can have fun with them!

And the reason behind it is...

I had already booked the accommodation and the train tickets, and we had an appointment. When I left, my boyfriend did not pick me up and did not express support for me going.

You've already spent the money and told your friends, so backing out would be a shame. Money and friendship are important, but so is having fun!

3. Point of disagreement

Communication level

You should have told him about the trip a long time ago! He should have told you that he didn't approve of it. He should have also told you clearly that he had been thinking about not meeting people online and had ignored what you had told him.

You went on the trip after agreeing with your boyfriend, and you ignored his request not to go on the trip, insisting on going. This showed your boyfriend that you were excited about the trip and that you were going to go for it, even if he didn't think it was a good idea. As a result, your boyfriend did not pick you up or drop you off.

It's clear that neither of you considered the other person's needs. But hey, we all make mistakes! You both made decisions that benefited you without sufficient and effective communication.

Social level

My boyfriend, who isn't too keen on going, is only concerned about socializing with people he approves of.

You're determined to go because your friends on the Internet have repeatedly reported that they are safe when traveling together. You're also excited to build relationships with people who share the same interests and hobbies!

Attachment Relationship Level

Your boyfriend's reluctance to go is actually a good thing! He wants you to enjoy your time together. You belong to the secure attachment type, which is great because you feel uncomfortable being with people you don't know, and you have a certain degree of social anxiety.

You are a relationship-oriented attachment type who loves connecting with people and you're definitely a secure attachment type!

4. Excited and a little worried

I'm so excited to see my boyfriend! I know this kind of thing can make people feel insecure, but I'm sure it'll be fine. Then on the first day, I told my friend that I planned to spend some time with him.

Now I get to figure out what to do!

You were so excited to go on the trip that you didn't think about your boyfriend's emotional needs. You knew that your boyfriend had insecurities, and that these insecurities were related to the relationship between the two of you and your relationship with others, but you were so eager to go that you didn't think about it.

The solution is simple: find someone to keep him company and comfort him. Later, you'll be ready to take on whatever comes next!

2. Pay attention to and understand others!

From your description, I can see that you and your boyfriend are two different personalities and two different attachment types, which makes your relationship all the more interesting! This has led to disagreements over the travel issue, but I'm sure you'll be able to resolve them.

Disagreements mainly arise from inconsistencies in the three levels of communication, social interaction, and attachment. But don't fret! These are easily solved.

The good news is that the problem about traveling is not unsolvable. If you can both change your perspective, stand in the other person's shoes, and pay attention to and understand their needs, the problem can be solved very easily!

Communication level

By actively listening, understanding the message conveyed to you, and giving positive feedback, you can help both parties understand each other's meaning, make communication more effective, and resolve any misunderstandings!

Now, let's look at the social level.

You can totally solve this problem! All you have to do is find the real reason behind the reason for not going, consider the other person's feelings at that moment from their perspective, understand the other person's fears and concerns, and find a solution.

Attachment level

This is the most important level to consider! Different attachment relationships mean different social interaction requirements, which is great because it means we can all learn from each other.

Embrace the natural way attachment relationships handle social interactions! It's the best way to show your partner you value them. Respect their choices and make social adjustments together to create a beautiful, blended social life.

Now for the fun part! Let's dive into how to handle the follow-up relationship.

1. Take a moment to reflect on your own inner thoughts.

Once the dust has settled, take a moment to reflect on your own thoughts and the differences between you and your boyfriend.

Embrace the differences between you!

People come from different upbringings and have different personalities, which makes life exciting! Learn to accept differences.

Be sure to pay attention to the needs of the other person!

When there's a difference between two people, it's a great opportunity to learn more about each other! Try to understand the other person's point of view and needs, and reach an agreement through communication.

It's a great idea to think from the other person's perspective!

If you disagree, it's time to think outside the box! Consider the other person's needs and ideas. Learn to see things from their perspective.

2. Mutual consideration in intimate relationships

Your boyfriend is an individual with an avoidant attachment style. His insecurity is a defense mechanism for his social life. You have a secure attachment style, so when interacting with your boyfriend, consider his level of comfort and psychological feelings, and make him feel secure.

At the same time, it's a great idea to let your boyfriend slowly adapt to your lifestyle, meet your real friends, build a sense of trust in your circle of friends, and let down his defenses. Once he's feeling secure, it'll be a wonderful opportunity for your friends to gradually enter his social circle!

And the best part is, he'll accept your living habits and take care of your social life!

3. Effective communication

Communication is about both big and small things, and effective communication is the key to resolving conflicts. As mentioned earlier, in communication, pay attention to:

Listen up!

It's so important to make sure you understand what the other person is saying!

Absolutely!

It's so important to understand what the other person is saying, and to understand their intentions and needs!

Now for some feedback!

Give feedback and ask questions about what the other person has said to make sure you're on the same page!

Now for the fun part! Let's dive into a discussion.

Now for the fun part! Discuss specific issues in detail, and if there is something you don't understand, ask questions and get feedback to accurately understand what the other person is saying.

Reaching a consensus is the best part!

After repeated discussions and verification, you'll reach a fantastic consensus on the issues discussed and form the most effective communication!

Having conflicts means there are still things about your boyfriend that you don't know enough about. But don't worry! You can continue to deepen your understanding through observation and communication. This is the longest-lasting problem in a relationship, but you can learn to communicate and understand, and all problems will be solved!

And finally, I wish the questioner all the happiness in the world!

I am Wei Gong, a psychological counselor. Dear questioner, I can see that you are torn between traveling and your boyfriend. You are experiencing an extreme dilemma. Both sides are very important to you, and you don't want to give up either. You can't make a decision, and you are worried about the price you will pay. It's very difficult, isn't it?

I read every word you wrote carefully and I saw this: "I informed him early about my trip, but I didn't know that he really didn't like it and didn't support me."

Your communication styles are not yet fully compatible.

This indicates there are flaws in your communication. It also indicates that you need to communicate more deeply. He heard you say you were going on a trip with a friend online. It made him unhappy, but he didn't tell you. This indicates he avoids conflict.

You believe his silence means he agrees, but you don't have a clear answer. This could be a misunderstanding in communication.

This problem only came up after the plane tickets and hotel had been booked. You understand what I'm saying, right?

If this problem isn't resolved, it will continue to affect your relationship in the future, even if you get married.

For example:

You say you want a child. He doesn't say anything. You get pregnant. He still doesn't say anything. You're three months pregnant. He finally tells you, "I don't want a child so soon..."

Let's say you want to change jobs to earn more money for the family and reduce his burden. You tell him, but he doesn't say anything, so you think he's giving his tacit approval. Then you find a job and successfully pass the interview so you can start the paperwork. You tell him, "I've changed jobs." At this point, he rebukes you: "The workplace is too far away from home, you can't go, and if you do, no one will take care of the home, and you have no family responsibilities..." You're going to be pretty upset, right?

[It may seem like a crisis, but it is also an opportunity.]

It doesn't matter whether you go on a trip or stay with your boyfriend.

It is crucial to seize this chance to gradually create an effective communication model between you.

First, review your thoughts and feelings about travel. Be honest with yourself.

Ask yourself if you have ulterior motives when traveling alone. If I don't ask him and he doesn't object, it means he agrees. If I ask him and he doesn't agree, what then?

Don't ask. (Sorry, this is a little thought I used to have all the time, haha. Maybe the real you is just carefree and thinks his silence means consent.) If you are completely open and honest, it's a matter of communication. Talk to him about it.

[Rationality of interaction: First deal with emotions, harmonize the relationship between the two, and then face the problems you share together]

The German thinker Habermas solved the famous dilemma of Max Weber, the struggle of the gods of values. His solution was communicative rationality. From subjectivity, he mentioned intersubjectivity.

In other words, although each subject has its own values and seems unable to integrate, there is another nature between subjects, called "intersubjectivity," which is commonly referred to as "being in the world." This "being in the world" requires that interactions between the two sides also be rational.

So, define your "being in the world."

That is, exchange each other's values. Be aware of your own communication style.

You can also express your perception of the other person's communication style through the reaction you feel in your interactions with them.

You believe his lack of explicit objection means agreement, but he doesn't feel that way. Ask him what his true thoughts were when you first gave your reasons. Why didn't he say anything at the time?

Tell me, are you afraid of damaging the relationship? Or is there something else going on?

Tell him. You think he's always agreed, but after all the processes are complete, he tells you he disagrees. What are your psychological feelings at this time?

Once you have shared your psychological feelings and expressed the weight of your emotions, you will feel much more relieved. You will then be able to face this problem between the two of you and find a solution. When two hearts communicate and collide, the problem is no longer a problem.

Even if there are still problems, you must face them together. They are not your problem or his problem.

This process requires a view that is free from any subjective bias. That is to say, when I communicate with him, I must not say that I must convince him or that if it doesn't work, I'll just give in. Instead, I communicate inch by inch (here I use inch by inch to represent the fact that the communication may not be fast-paced, but requires you to stop and think often, feel, and use feelings and reason to drive the process forward). Carefully observe your own feelings and emotions and those of the other person, and express the underlying needs of these feelings and emotions. This requires a certain level of skill, if needed. You can call the teacher's listening phone number and we can do a simulation exercise.

Call the teacher's listening phone number and we'll do a simulation exercise.

You're welcome.