My boyfriend is very concerned about my ex and the things we've experienced together. How can we get over this hurdle?

Hello.

I understand your situation, but I'm not in a position to help you resolve this matter.

This is mainly about each person's beliefs. It's clear that your current boyfriend cares a lot about your past. This can be interpreted as him loving you very much or as him being overly possessive.

The questioner should think carefully before getting married.

Neil Donald Walsh said in his book Oneness with God: "Our whole lives are actually about facing all kinds of illusions created by ourselves, and we are deeply involved in them and unable to extricate ourselves."

Let me be clear: we are always easily entangled in the troubles we create for ourselves. We are at a loss as to what to do with this mess, and the more we struggle, the more confused and sad we become.

We can't solve it, and we can't escape it. The troubles we encounter that make us feel like we're in dire straits don't actually exist. They are just a product of us being right with ourselves.

Our worries come from within ourselves. Forget the past and the future. Focus on what you're doing in the present.

The questioner must consider: what are we really doing with our boyfriend? Do we truly have love?

This is the most important thing.

What does what we care about have to do with us getting married?

Sometimes when we let someone else go, we are actually letting ourselves go.

The original poster grasps the principles, but it's challenging to apply them because our rational mind struggles to control our emotions.

Jonathan Haidt makes a wonderful analogy in The Righteous Mind: the human mind is like an unruly elephant, and half of it is like a skinny, sensible elephant rider.

The elephant rider may seem to be in command of the elephant, but in fact, his power is insignificant. It is the elephant that controls the direction, leaving the rider with no choice.

In a worst-case scenario, the elephant and the rider are not working together towards a goal. They are engaged in a battle.

From this story, we can discover that we cannot fully control our own behavior. The mind is divided into multiple parts, each with its own ideas and sometimes even conflicting opinions.

This is why we are always torn between reason and irrationality.

Reason is not powerless, and the elephant and rider are not always at odds. They can and should work together. A skilled rider can guide the elephant with ease, and we can find the right path.

Human reason depends heavily on complex emotions. Reason only functions when an emotional brain is working smoothly.

What happens in this world can only affect us through our own interpretation of events. Control your own interpretation of events, and you control your own world.

Read The Elephant and the Elephant Rider. It will help you.

If you want to solve your problems, you have to let go completely. Go to a professional counselor together. It has to be an interview.

I am confident that my answer will be helpful to the questioner.

Thank you for your time. I am Jiusi, on Yixinli, World and I Love You.

Hello, I'm Mo Xiaofan, a heart detective coach. As a fellow man, I totally get it. Sometimes we just need to take a step back and think.

1. For the OP, you absolutely did nothing wrong!

Many people say that girls should love themselves, and I say that's a great thing to do! But does that mean that if you've had sex, you don't love yourself? Absolutely not!

Xiao Fan wants to tell all girls: don't feel inferior or like you've betrayed someone because you've had sex before. You just met the wrong person at the wrong time, and something that happens between adults is just something you need to figure out for yourself. The decision you make now is only important if you don't regret it in the future. But don't worry! You'll figure it out.

The questioner met the wrong person and was also hurt in the last relationship. Fortunately, she met him later, and now she has the chance to meet someone new! Some of his ideas are quite extreme, but that just means there's room for growth and learning.

2. Guys, is it really that important to have had sex?

Guys often have certain expectations of girls, especially in relationships. It's easy to treat the other person as your own private property and not allow others to have any part of it.

It's just that some things have already happened, and he's got to get past that mental hurdle because he feels that some things have destroyed the beautiful fantasy.

The questioner did not betray or cheat, but was deceived for a moment. Some of his actions did show that he loved the questioner very much! Love is not about possession or mutual torment. It is about accepting each other's past and working together to build a shared future.

3. Let's all try to act more maturely!

You can either cry your heart out or drown your sorrows in alcohol, but either way, you cannot change the facts that have already happened. We are all adults, and there is absolutely no reason that one cannot live without the other!

If you want to be together, you have to learn to accept it! There is no need to criticize each other's past. You love the other person, not what they were. You and she have a future together, not a past!

If you choose to be together, you face it together! If you really can't accept it, you choose to separate. You don't have to torture each other! Love is not about temporarily compromising for the sake of peace. It's about mutual respect and understanding!

Hello! I'm sending you a hug.

You feel hurt, ashamed, and helpless. You want to be understood and trusted.

You've done your best to avoid misunderstandings and hurt feelings. You've deleted all contact with your ex and don't work at the same company. You've done your best to avoid hurt feelings, which could affect your relationship.

So, accept your boyfriend's current emotional state and allow him to have uncomfortable feelings. If he is willing, tell him your true feelings because you are distressed that he is hurting himself. If he needs it, help him relieve his inner pain.

His inability to let go and excessive concern about your past are rooted in his lack of self-confidence. He doesn't feel good enough to win your love. He's worried that if you two get back together, you'll abandon him. He feels you loved your ex more than him. He really needs you to love him more. Your ex dumped you because he cheated on you. This made him feel inferior to a colleague.

When you see him, you need to show him you understand and accept him. He is the most important person in your life. You need his understanding, acceptance, and support. You want a happy present and future with him.

This is worth facing and nurturing for both of you.

You express your vulnerability, helplessness, and desire for his support, understanding, and consideration so that he can realize his importance and value to you.

He needs to grow too. His reaction was excessive after learning about your relationship with your ex. This means he has an emotional disorder. Emotional disorders usually come from early childhood trauma.

You can help him keep a diary of his thoughts, feelings, and emotions about the situation. If he's willing to talk, you can help him understand the trauma, needs, and emotions behind his response. This will help him heal and respond in healthier ways.

You can feel your love for your boyfriend, and you can also see his love for you. Love can solve any problem.

I hope this helps.

Hello, I'm Xin Tan, Coach Fei Yun. Thanks for sharing your story.

I can tell you're both feeling a lot of sadness, pain, difficulty, and confusion. On the one hand, you love each other deeply and are already talking about marriage. On the other hand, he is still upset about your past and has difficulty letting it go.

I get where you're coming from. You feel sorry for him and resent him for not meeting you before his ex. Your feelings are a result of your love for each other.

?1. I'll give you a warm hug first. I'm sure everything that happens will be helpful to me.

It shows he cares about you a lot, and it's because of love that he cares about and pays attention to everything related to you. The deeper the love, the deeper the "hate." Here, he "hates" himself, and there's nothing he can do about what happened in the past.

Even the worst things can be seen in a favorable light. It was also good that he found out before you got married that you had a previous relationship and had sex with your ex.

Your past is kind of like a touchstone for your relationship with your boyfriend. If you can move on from it, the future will be pretty intimate and sweet. If you can move on from it, at least there's still room for you both to turn back.

Naturally, given that you're both dealing with this together, you have a lot of love for each other.

?2. Everyone has their own past, and you chose to keep it from him to protect your feelings for him and for each other.

His intense reaction to this news shows how much he cares about you. It also shows that he needs you to understand why he's so upset.

Every emotion is tied to an unmet need. It might seem like he's angry about your past and the fact that you've been in other relationships, but his anger has a deeper source. It's probably related to his past experiences, maybe childhood trauma or previous unhappy experiences.

The deeper emotions are hidden by the subconscious mind. When a similar situation arises, the emotion is activated again.

There's no need to beat yourself up over this.

1) Your past is your own, and your present and future are yours to live with.

He has to work through these issues on his own. You can only support him in this process.

What really gets him riled up or makes him feel blue isn't your past. The ABC theory of emotions says that A is the event, B is the belief, and C is the resulting emotion and behavior.

We tend to think our emotions are caused by event A, but in fact it is our understanding of the event, that is, our beliefs B, that cause our emotions.

Having a former partner and having had a relationship is what we call Event A. There are many similar events in relationships, but not everyone holds onto them.

It's because everyone has different views, opinions, and beliefs about the same event.

If you want to change his behavior, you have to change his beliefs. He's stuck because he has a "limited belief" that's holding him back.

We can't change what happened in the past, but we can change how we think about it. So, we need to do more to help him let go of his obsession, change his mind, and see a different result from a different perspective.

He needs to figure out what he's really feeling.

If he's unable to make a breakthrough, there's likely a fear at the root of it. And behind every fear is a valuable lesson that he can learn from.

Here's some advice for you:

In a relationship, it's important to maintain your independence.

It's often said that "a woman in love has an IQ of 0" and "a woman who is infatuated will marry." This is because women tend to become more involved in a relationship and can easily lose themselves in their emotions.

The reason the other person likes you is that you're special, and that special quality is your independence.

✨2) Make sure you keep the lines of communication open with your partner and think about what the future holds together.

Life is full of surprises, so let the other person know you're being sincere and honest, and that they can count on you.

He'll need to put in the work, but you can give him the confidence and courage to make a breakthrough.

There are three main stages to adjusting to marriage: adjusting your interests and hobbies, adjusting your living habits, and adjusting your families or clans.

Once you start a family, you'll probably experience some friction in the future. After all, now is the dating stage, and both parties are showing each other their best sides.

Before marriage, you tend to focus on each other's flaws. After marriage, it's important to recognize and appreciate each other's strengths. Being fully prepared for this is essential.

If your past is an insurmountable obstacle in his heart, you really need to work together to solve this problem before entering the marriage temple with a clear mind. Otherwise, once you get married, this problem will affect your relationship like a time bomb at any time in the future.

I suggest you read the book If Only I Knew Before Marriage.

I hope this is helpful to you. And I just wanted to say that I love you and the world loves you too!

If you want to keep the lines of communication open, just click on "Find a Coach" in the top right corner or at the bottom. I'll be in touch and we can work together one-on-one.

Guys still care a lot about purity and virginity, which is great! If your partner has a virgin complex and you have something in your past, your relationship will have twists and turns, sending it on a rollercoaster ride.

You are in a loving relationship with your current boyfriend. You deeply love each other, cannot live without each other, and basically know everything about each other. The occasional contact you still have with your ex is just a little bit annoying to your boyfriend, but it's nothing you can't handle!

Your boyfriend is really interested in your ex and wants to know what happened between you!

● Office romance! He started working in this unit after you did.

Have you ever been in a relationship with another male colleague that you kept secret?

☂︎☂︎☂︎☂︎☂︎ex-boyfriend

It's absolutely thrilling!

He feels that you are now his person, and he wants to keep you all to himself! He just wants to make sure you don't get involved with anyone else. This may also be the reason for your boyfriend's various possessive behaviors.

⚛️⚛️⚛️⚛️ Boyfriend's possessiveness and suspected virgin complex cause pain

?️?️?️?️It's so important to find a balance with possessiveness. When it's too much, it can easily make people feel crushed.

The past is the past! It's not something we can change, but we can learn from it and move forward.

Regarding the fact that you had sex with your ex, there is nothing we can do to change it. It is hard to change something like this, but you can absolutely do it! Everyone has their own past and things they need to deal with, and you're no exception.

You can't say black is white, and you can't say you haven't done it. Maybe the starting point was good, but there is no doubt that your boyfriend's virgin complex is now a bit excessive, and the pain is caused by the excessive force. But here's the good news! You can work through this together.

We can't change what happened in the past, but we can learn from it! This kind of thing is very objective. Even when you did those things, you probably never thought that it would lead to the current awkwardness and collapse.

You don't want to be apart! At this time, you also can't live without each other and still love each other deeply. This knot may need to be dealt with in a professional way, so that both parties can make some changes and let each other know exactly what their current situation is. You remain honest, and your boyfriend also needs to slowly let go.

I highly recommend that you seek psychological counseling. If the two of you can talk things out, having sex is not the end of the world. Nowadays, young people are very mature when it comes to communicating with the opposite sex. Your boyfriend should also be aware of some of the peculiarities of his thinking and make proactive adjustments. This is something that the two of you need to understand, and I'm sure you'll get through it together!

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