My mother-in-law passed away, but I was unable to attend the funeral due to work. My husband ignored me?

You are also in a difficult situation when such a conflict occurs. On the one hand, you have your own need for independence, and on the other hand, you have the opportunity to give your husband the support he needs when he is most vulnerable.

Your ultimate choice is to get what you want, which shows that you are a person with a strong sense of self and who takes responsibility for yourself.

But you can absolutely restore your husband's trust and sense of intimacy with you in other ways! The key is to "connect with his needs."

First, really get into his feelings and experience how sad he is.

I'd love to know if he feels particularly lonely!

It would be really interesting to know if he has any unfinished business with his mother!

After all, our mother is the first person we attach ourselves to in the world, and when we lose her, we feel a great sense of loss. But here's the amazing thing: the degree of loss varies from person to person.

Even though you can't be there for your husband 100% due to objective reasons, you can still let him express his inner feelings to you through hugging and listening!

Second, if your husband doesn't want to talk about it, you can also be there for him and give him time to recover slowly.

It's important to remember that sadness takes time to subside. So, don't rush to comfort him and hope that he will be happy again soon. This will put pressure on him, so let's take it slow and enjoy the journey together!

In the same mood, it is a fantastic way to enhance the relationship between the two and grieve together!

Perhaps it would have been helpful to consider your state of mind at the time. It seems that you felt strongly about the project, and that you were worried about the consequences of taking leave. You also mentioned that you were hoping to get a promotion this year, which might have influenced your decision.

I can appreciate your perspective, though I may not fully align with it. Given the circumstances, I believe your approach was the best you could have taken.

At the same time, your husband also respects and values your freedom. If it were any other man, he might have to persuade you to go or even insist that you accompany him. Of course, deep down he is really unhappy, lost, frustrated, and depressed... because he doesn't want to go to his mother's funeral alone after she has passed away, and as a married man, it doesn't make sense either.

It is therefore quite normal for him to express his frustration with you in some way when he returns, which suggests that he is still feeling dissatisfied with you.

Perhaps it would be more beneficial to consider the potential impact of going back with him. While it might not be a significant change, it could still be worthwhile to explore this option.

It might help to make the person feel better. Perhaps your husband or his relatives will feel that you, as a daughter-in-law, have taken part in this matter and expressed your sadness about the loss of your mother-in-law. This could help them to feel complete in their hearts.

If I understand correctly, you said you apologized and explained. I'm not sure exactly how you apologized or expressed your apology. If your apology is immediately followed by an explanation, it might not have been as impactful as it could have been.

Perhaps it would be more beneficial to leave out the explanation at the end. This could help the other person feel better. It's similar to when we're late for an appointment and say, "Sorry I'm late, there was traffic." In that case, it might be more helpful to say, "Sorry I'm late!"

Perhaps a more constructive approach would be to say, "I'm sorry for being late. I didn't manage my time well."

"My husband said, 'You take a leave of absence, and if you lose your job, you can find another one. I'll support you if you can't find a job.'" – In fact, what my husband said was both right and wrong.

Perhaps if you think about it, his subtext is that this time coming back with him to the funeral is more important than your promotion and closing the current important project, and even more important than your job itself. So you should choose to go back to your hometown with him. His logic obviously didn't convince you, so you chose to stay and work.

Your logic is that if you take leave, the project may be jeopardized. However, "may be jeopardized" does not necessarily mean it will be. That is one thing to consider.

The second point to consider is not whether the project is important, but rather, which is more important to you: going with your husband to the funeral or staying behind to continue working? Your actions have shown that the latter is more important to you.

I believe this is the main reason why your husband is so upset and unhappy.

If we consider another perspective, which may be somewhat impersonal, please forgive me, would you please think about how you would act if the "mother-in-law" were your own close relative and you encountered the same situation? Also, in this situation, if the roles of you and your husband were reversed, and you wanted him to go home with you, but he was unwilling to do so due to work reasons, how would you feel and how would you respond?

I'm not sure how old you are, how many years you've been married, or what your relationship was like before this incident. I wonder if I might be correct in thinking that before this happened, your relationship wasn't as close as it could have been, and there were some conflicts and barriers. Is that right?

From a depth psychology perspective, your inability to return to your husband may also be related to him, as he may have struggled to manage your relationship effectively. The love you normally feel from him may not have been sufficient to meet your needs. Therefore, when a close relative of the other party passed away, you may have chosen to prioritize your work promotion over managing your relationship with each other.

If I might suggest, it seems that both parties are responsible for this matter. However, if we were to consider who bears the greater responsibility, it would appear that it lies with you.

Perhaps it would be best to let this matter rest in the past. It may have become a "scar" in your husband's heart, a "knot" in his mind, or an obstacle that stands in the middle of your relationship, affecting the intimacy between you as a couple.

If it would be helpful, you might consider saying something like this to your husband:

I'm sorry if I didn't do well.

I realize now that I made a selfish choice and was unfeeling.

I realize now that I wasn't there for you when you needed me.

I realize now that I may have overlooked your feelings and needs, and I am truly sorry.

Could I perhaps do something to make up for the damage that has already been done?

If I might make one more suggestion, I wonder if it might be helpful to consider the possibility of returning to pay respects before the 49-day period is over.

If I might make one more suggestion, after the passing of an elderly person, there is often a period of 49 days. Perhaps you could consider going back with your husband to pay your respects before the 49 days are up? (By then, I think you'll have taken care of your work matters, too.)

Managing a marriage is a lifelong endeavor, and loving ourselves and others is a lifelong lesson. I hope that you can find ways to overcome the difficulties you are currently facing. I hope that you can rebuild a loving and intimate relationship, and that you can experience the sweetness of marriage and the happiness of family.

I hope you can find some comfort in your grief.

Hello,

I'm curious if you're wondering why I say you feel "self-blame." Let's look at your problem using flashback.

Your husband has returned from his hometown, and you have been comforting him. I sense that you are dissatisfied with your choice and blame yourself. You feel you should accompany your husband, as this is a heavy loss for him. You are critical of yourself.

You've mentioned many objective reasons for not taking leave: the project you've been working on for a long time, the worry that taking leave will cause the project to fail, and that your chances of promotion will also be ruined. It seems like you're trying to convince yourself and your husband of these facts. While you're trying to appease your husband and be self-critical, you're also feeling aggrieved.

Should I fight for my own opportunities?

No matter how you look at it, I hear a voice behind my grievances and self-blame. It's a deep sense of panic. I'm afraid of parting with loved ones, the future, our marriage, and my safety.

I want to give you a hug.

I don't know what your upbringing was like. From your description, I feel your resistance to your emotions. You don't allow yourself to face your mother-in-law's death, and you are also avoiding your husband's presence. You have a voice telling you what to do, but you can't touch it.

I don't know how you deal with your emotions. Do you allow yourself to be vulnerable? Do you feel helpless, weak, or unable to do certain things?

...

.

I hope you can talk to yourself.

I didn't answer your question because I think you have some real problems you're avoiding. If you can understand your own feelings and why you respond the way you do, it might help you, your loved one, and your career.

I can't give you a clear method today. This is not something that can be solved overnight. Don't dwell on things. Otherwise, you will get hurt and it will affect your relationship with your spouse.

The death of a mother is like a black hole in our hearts. It takes time to heal. When we face the death of a loved one, we are shocked and deny it.

It's an instinctive, primitive reaction. You try to deny it and even feel that the world is not real.

The second stage is anger. This anger may be directed at oneself or at others. For example, why didn't I try harder to keep my loved one alive?

What mistakes caused the loss of loved ones? This makes one angry.

The third is the bargaining period. One has to accept reality, which is difficult.

Fourth, depression and frustration: one has to accept this, and one may feel defeated. One may enter a period of depression and frustration.

Finally, enter the rebirth period. Life goes on, slowly rebuilding your life.

This process can last from three months to one month. I present it to you so you can see that your husband's emotional state is not simply because of you. Once we understand this, we can better understand and support him.

This is a test of your relationship. You will grow closer, but if you pull away, you may lose each other.

Let's put aside the facts and see with our hearts how it feels to lose a mother.

I wish us love and the ability to express it.

Dear Questioner, From your description, I can discern your inner fear, anxiety, and grievance. As it happens, I have also been exploring the mysteries of marriage in the past two days. Let us examine what is wrong with us and what is wrong with marriage.

The day before yesterday, I experienced a positive emotional state that I did not share with anyone. This was followed by a sense of loss due to the perception that the individual with whom I am in a marital relationship has always been present, yet has gradually become dispensable. If I were to share positive experiences with this individual, it would appear that he would view them as a disruption to his enjoyment.

When you are experiencing negative emotions, such as sadness, it is important to communicate this to your partner. However, you may encounter resistance, with your partner stating that they are busy and questioning your need to inquire about their daily activities. This can lead to a sense of isolation and isolation can intensify negative emotions.

It is not that you lack friends, neighbors, girlfriends, or relatives; it is simply that in those crucial moments, you consistently desire the presence of your "significant others." My proximity is of great consequence.

It is reasonable to expect that a significant other will notice and accept us in a marriage. However, it is less clear that a marriage is necessary when one can perform all domestic tasks, raise children, and engage in conflict with one's spouse.

I engaged in a comprehensive one-way communication with this "significant other." I was aware that I exhibited anxious attachment personality traits, while he displayed avoidant attachment personality traits. One pursued the other, and this dynamic became the norm in our relationship. I informed him that avoidance was the primary obstacle to intimacy. If he continued to flee, he would be unable to find his way back to me. This approach proved highly effective.

I recently listened to a song called "The Matchmaker Dropped the Line." The lyrics are thought-provoking. If the matchmaker drops the line, it could indicate that love will be managed by the god of wealth, which might make her world feel more secure. A person who feels a severe lack of security will likely seek it out.

Some individuals prioritize financial independence as a means of achieving security, leading them to prioritize work over family. Others seek love and relationships as a source of security, leading them to prioritize romantic pursuits. Some individuals prioritize health and fitness as a means of achieving security, leading them to prioritize products and activities related to health and travel.

Take this opportunity to have an in-depth conversation with your husband about your priorities in life and the logic behind them, as well as the reasons why marriage has not provided you with a sense of security. When making a choice, it is important to understand why you prioritize work. It is also crucial to recognize that the pain of everyone involved is immeasurable. It is not possible to say that his acute pain (the pain of losing his mother) is a little bit less than your chronic pain (a lack of sense of security).

I am a psychological counselor, Zhang Huili. You are welcome to come and discuss your concerns with me further. When conflicts arise, it is not necessary to punish someone in order to resolve the situation. Neither blame others nor yourself. Look for solutions through constructive dialogue. Only positive reinforcement can drive away our inner fears.

Hi there, I saw your question. From what you said, it seems like your husband is still upset about you not going to your mother-in-law's funeral because you were focused on your work, and he's been a bit distant with you. You asked this question because you were hurt by your husband's attitude, right?

He says you don't understand him, but don't you also feel that he should understand you and not force you to attend your mother-in-law's funeral? You've said a lot, but you just want to be understood, don't you?

From the outside looking in, I think there are three things we need to talk about here.

1. You said that if you took leave, the project you've been working on for a while might be in trouble. So you don't want to put it off.

Have you ever thought about how your reasons for pursuing your career affect your husband? It seems like you're making him feel like your work is more important than your feelings for your loved ones.

For instance, your husband's solution to the situation you described, based on the arguments you presented, is that you can either change jobs or he can support you. Your response to this is that a woman needs to have her own career and not rely on anyone for support.

Have you noticed that in your conversations, you both tend to express opinions rather than feelings?

When you were talking about whether you should go to the funeral, you both gave your reasons. So your husband saw that you were focused on your career and didn't care about how sad he was about losing his mother. He also saw that you were there for him when he lost his mother, and that you were there to support him.

What you see is that your husband doesn't understand that your career success is for the good of the family. Your mother-in-law has passed away, and you know your husband is sad, as are you. But our lives must go on. If you lose the project or even your job because you took time off, it will be a burden for us in the future!

I'll also lose a sense of worth and security!

So, you see? When you present facts and reasons, you're actually also carrying emotions. You've neglected to express and state your feelings and emotions.

2. I don't see you mention how you feel about your mother-in-law's death. In your statement, you seem to be more logical and factual, so how do you feel about your mother-in-law's death?

Your husband seems to have become cold and distant. How do you think he feels about your feelings about his mother's death? If you want to improve your relationship with your husband, what do you think you can do to make him understand your feelings?

How can you show him that you care about and understand him?

My dear, you don't need to feel that these questions are questioning or rebuking. In fact, my questions are intended to prompt you to think about how you can reverse your husband's indifferent attitude. Perhaps you could consider consoling your husband for his pain at losing his mother and empathize with him, so that he at least feels that his wife cares about him, that she can feel his pain at losing his mother, and that she is willing to treat his family matters as if they were her own.

This is the key to whether or not you can change your husband's attitude at this point.

3. The questioner is also in a tough spot, having to apologize and comfort her husband. It's clear you care about him and want him to understand that your decision is based on your considerations.

However, if you just focus on why you can't take time off, it might make your husband feel like you don't care about his mother's passing or that you didn't get to say goodbye. Of course, that's not what you mean, but once you give these reasons, it might come across as an excuse to your husband and make him feel even more heartbroken.

Your apology can be a bit more formal. There's no reason or excuse, just talk about how sad you are that the old lady passed away and how you understand how sad your husband is that he lost his mother. Basically, I think you already know how important it is to focus on feelings, so talk more about feelings and sensations and less about reasons and conditions!

I'm sure your husband's loss of his mother was a traumatic experience for him. It seems like he's now distant towards you because he really wants to be noticed and comforted, and he lacks a sense of security and belonging. If possible, try to make him feel that way, as this will definitely be beneficial to the repair of your relationship.

I hope this is useful to you!