My Scorpio boyfriend is strong on the outside but fragile and sensitive on the inside. How do I get along with him?

Thanks for the invite! I'm Hu Suying, a psychological counselor. I'll share my understanding below for your reference.

It seems that your Scorpio boyfriend feels like he's only good enough to be loved. He might also feel like he's just a tool for his parents to show off, rather than the real him who deserves to be loved. So, he's prone to emotional states of doubt, anxiety, and anger. He can't help but use an inadequate self to test whether others really love him, that is, whether they really love the real him. He hides an inferior, unworthy self inside, and will look for clues in real relationships to verify whether this inner self is worthy of love, even to the detriment of the relationship, such as with a lover.

To meet these needs, you need someone who can be a qualified mother: someone who understands, is tolerant, and has the right reactions. With someone like that, you have to make sure he knows you love him all the time.

It's not easy for anyone to satisfy such needs. I get the feeling you're not easy.

I can tell you value your relationship with him. There must be something about him that you particularly admire or that satisfies you. Intimate relationships only develop and grow because, deep down, you have met.

If you're ready to take the next step in your relationship with him, how do you navigate getting along with someone like this?

1. Take an objective look at him. Think about what you like and don't like about him, what impresses you and what doesn't.

Next, think about what about him attracts you.

3. Accept him for who he is. Appreciate the things you do like about him, accept the things you don't like enough, and treat him as a complete person to feel, treat, and interact with.

4. If you'd like, you can find a counselor to help you explore your need for intimacy in a more structured way. If possible, you can suggest that your Scorpio boyfriend receive counseling to help him understand and accept himself as he really is.

I'm always here if you need me. I love you and the world loves you too.

I extend to you a comprehensive embrace.

From your question, it is evident that you hold a profound affection for your boyfriend and empathize with his experiences, which have shaped your current relationship dynamics. You find yourself navigating the complexities of a relationship with a partner who exudes strength on the exterior yet reveals vulnerability on the interior.

I will now proceed to share my views for your reference.

First and foremost, it is imperative to refrain from exhibiting a motherly disposition and attempting to rescue one's romantic partner.

In such instances, many women experience a sense of overwhelming love and a desire to save the individual in question, leading them to assume the role of a savior.

An individual who identifies as a "savior" often perceives the other person as being in a relatively weak position and is driven to rescue them from what they perceive to be a "miserable" life. This tendency often results in a tendency towards endless tolerance and self-sacrifice.

Ultimately, the rescuer may become the victim, and the rescued person may become the abuser.

It is important to note that the individual who has been rescued does not wish to become a victimizer; they are also a victim of their own experiences.

It is therefore important to emphasise that one should not assume the role of a saviour. The individual in question is an adult, and the relationship is one of equals.

The responsibility for his unresolved trauma lies with him alone. It is not your fault, nor is it your place to intervene. He must decide whether and how to address this issue.

In light of these considerations, one might be inclined to view this approach as somewhat detached and unfeeling. It is, however, evident that he is not in a position to effect change independently. Consequently, it would appear that he requires external assistance.

It is not necessary, however, to assume the role of his savior, at least not in one's own mind. One can be his companion, his source of support, or his ally, but it is important to avoid the role of savior and to refrain from developing a Madonna complex.

Equality is a fundamental aspect of intimate relationships.

Secondly, what can be done?

From the information provided, it is evident that your boyfriend endured a traumatic childhood experience that has persisted into adulthood. It is plausible that he may have internalized a significant degree of childhood insecurity.

He lacked an object of attachment in his formative years. It would be beneficial for you to act as a stable, tolerant, empathetic, accepting, and non-judgmental object for him.

It is recommended that the books Embrace Your Inner Child and Heal Your Inner Child be consulted.

Indeed, one might consider reading some books on child psychology or developmental psychology to provide companionship and compensate for the psychological growth that was missed prior to this point.

However, it is important to note that your boyfriend is not a child. He is, in fact, an adult, and a particularly strong and assertive one. This strength can be seen as a compensation for the weak inner child.

It is therefore not possible to interact with him in the same way as one would with a young child. This presents a challenge in maintaining equilibrium, which can be addressed through joint sessions with a counselor or individual counseling.

It is also important to recognise that the decision to change is ultimately at the discretion of the other person. However, it is possible to facilitate change in the other person through one's own actions, including modifications to communication style and behaviour.

Given the iterative nature of the process, it would be advisable to seek the assistance of a professional.

As a counselor, I recognize that my outlook is often pessimistic, yet I do acknowledge the occasional positive aspect.

From your message, I can see that you care about your boyfriend and are excited to see him grow and flourish in the relationship. How to get along with him has become a fun challenge to tackle together!

I really hope this sharing can broaden your thinking to a certain extent, so that the intimacy can become sweeter!

1. Seeing your understanding and support for him in the relationship

I really feel for him, actually!

Growing up in a family of high-ranking officials, he may have had to suppress his emotions. But he could earn praise through study!

He is now 25 years old, and both his parents take him out to show off his amazing career. He goes home once a year, which is great!

But I'm different! My parents never bothered with my studies when I was growing up, and they gave me the freedom to develop myself by giving me money and time. I started my own business and I absolutely love my work!

After spending some time together, it is so great that you can understand your boyfriend's various behaviors in his current intimate relationship from his childhood living environment. This is really important because understanding leads to compassion.

And the best part is, you can find opportunities in the search for better coexistence! When you empathize with the conditional love he experienced deep down in his heart, you open the door to a whole new world of possibilities.

Second, you can't build trust overnight. It's so important for him to feel and experience stable, lasting, and warm love.

Your love and devotion are genuine, and he's lucky to have you! He's grown up in an environment where the only praise he's ever received is for his academic achievements, so he's not used to such unconditional love.

The unfamiliarity caused by the lack of familiarity will add a lot of exciting trial and error to the beginning of the relationship. Behind the trial and error is a long-term desire for unconditional love.

If you've experienced conditional love in the past, it's time to embrace unconditional love! This is the love that will give you the consistent, stable, and warm love you need. As you move from the unfamiliar to the familiar and become more and more certain, you'll find that a healthy relationship will alleviate any sense of unease.

This process requires patience, care, and love, and it's so worth it!

It won't be easy, but it'll all be worth it in the end! With love, the process will be unforgettable, and your relationship will be truly special.

3. You can reassure your boyfriend's insecure little boy inside and affirm his every positive change with gentle but firm communication after each test!

Your boyfriend is successful in his career and seems to be very outstanding in the eyes of others, which is great! However, the influence of his family environment on him is very profound. In his interactions with you, he may unconsciously retreat to the state of a little boy who needs unconditional love and support from others, which is totally normal! However, at the same time, his excellence and arrogance will make him unable to face his own "regression," which is something you can help him with. Therefore, constantly giving him affirmation and support will make him feel safe, and at the same time, setting certain boundaries will help you and him to be both independent and interdependent, which is a great thing!

I also replied to a girl's message that challenges her partner's bottom line to measure the degree of love (message portal: https://www.xinli001.com/qa/100815484). It's a great read! I hope it will be inspiring to you.

I'm so excited to see what the future holds for you both!

I'm a psychologist who doesn't explore human nature, but I absolutely love and care for the human heart! I wish you all the best!

I am a psychologist who doesn't explore human nature, but I absolutely love and care for the human heart! I wish you all the best!

Hello, questioner! I'm Jiang 61, and I'm excited to help you!

Thank you so much for trusting us and being willing to tell us about your suffering so that we can help you! You want to understand people who appear strong on the outside but are vulnerable on the inside. You want to be able to get along with them well and give them a sense of security. We can do this!

It's time to understand how you feel, feel how hard it is for you, and give you a hug! Let me introduce you to a few amazing methods.

Personality

Scorpio boyfriends are strong on the surface and they are also academic achievers from an early age, which makes them the best children in their parents' eyes!

They are also very good at work. However, once they enter into an intimate relationship, they will test the relationship in new and exciting ways, alternating between coldness and warmth, and showing their desire to understand my feelings. Once they feel that I do not give them a sense of security, they will become very anxious and crazy (that is, they will talk nonsense), which is a fascinating turn of events.

1⃣️, competitive

Scorpio boys are born with a strong and uncompromising personality and a very competitive spirit. This makes them incredibly strong, highly intelligent, and outstandingly successful in their careers. It's a reflection of their inner drive and ambition, which constantly fuels their passion for success.

Scorpios are always on a mission! They're incredibly determined and have an unwavering fighting spirit. They're strategic and methodical in their approach, making them a force to be reckoned with.

2⃣️, Apathy Now, this is an interesting one!

Scorpios also have some fascinating flaws that make them delightfully mysterious. Many Scorpios are enigmatic and reserved. No matter what you talk about, they will be a bit reticent and uncommunicative, and their answers will always be intriguing and thought-provoking.

He is very concerned about personal privacy, which is great because it means he values his own space. He also holds a grudge, which shows he's passionate about things and won't forget if he feels offended.

Therefore, you may feel his emotional expression is inconsistent. But don't worry! Deep down, he is actually very passionate, and he's just keeping it hidden because he's so indifferent. His competitiveness makes him appear outgoing and assertive, which is great because it shows he's got a lot of energy and is ready to take on the world!

And it also shows the vulnerable and extremely uneasy side of his heart, which is really fascinating!

3⃣️, Personality Now for the best part! Your boyfriend has a fascinating personality. He is sensitive and self-centered. He is a melancholic personality type. This means he is thoughtful, highly sensitive, idealistic, and pursues truth and beauty. He is delicate and perceptive, loyal and reliable, talented and insightful.

Your boyfriend is sensitive and self-centered, which makes him an intriguing individual. He also has a melancholic personality type, which adds depth to his character.

A melancholic personality has so many amazing qualities!

Characteristics: thoughtful, highly sensitive, idealistic, and a pursuit of truth and beauty!

He has so many amazing strengths! He's delicate and perceptive, loyal and reliable, and he's also talented and insightful.

On the downside, he can be a bit obsessive, indecisive, self-centered, pessimistic, and passive.

Therefore, he is very sensitive to your words and actions because you are a secure type of personality and you will feel at ease living with or without others around. He, on the other hand, has the opportunity to be more sensitive and respond more strongly.

He's got a lot going on inside! He's filled with anxiety and fear, speaks harsh words, and has a desire to save face and control.

2. Conflict manifestation

You said, "I actually feel sorry for him. He grew up in a family of high-ranking officials, and his emotions may have been suppressed all along."

He gets so excited when he gets praise for studying! He is now 25 years old, and his parents take him out to show off his amazing career.

(He goes home once a year)

But I'm different! My parents were so supportive, never interfering with my studies when I was growing up. They gave me the freedom to develop my interests and passions, and I'm so grateful for that. I even started my own business and absolutely love my career!

1⃣️ The influence of the original family

My boyfriend is the best!

His fascinating dual personality is also related to the education he received in his family of origin. His parents were very invested in his academic success and used his grades as a way to demonstrate the effectiveness of their educational approach. As a result, his parents were quite dominant and had a strong desire to control, rarely caring about his emotional side and true thoughts, which makes his personality all the more intriguing!

His emotional side is unable to express itself, which presents an exciting opportunity for growth and development!

In the face of such strong pressure, your boyfriend has developed a winning state of mind. He obeys his parents' wishes to win their favor and attention.

He's got great study habits that really impress his parents, who love to show off their brilliant boy off to their friends. And he's got a great sense of self-worth, which he shares with his parents.

This makes him feel that his parents are still paying attention to him, more or less. He is very excited to know that his parents still care about him, and his heart is full of joy and confidence at all times.

You are amazing!

You are different! During the separation period, your parents gave you a lot of care and trust, which gave you a good sense of independence and security and prevented separation anxiety. Your coping with stress is also consistent!

2⃣️, Attachment affects

Your boyfriend is an amazing guy!

It's so great to see that your boyfriend's attachment type is anxious!

People with an anxious attachment style are passionate about relationships. They invest all their feelings in a relationship, and they want the other person to develop the relationship as intimately as they would like. When intimacy is lacking, they feel uneasy. They may even worry that their partner doesn't value them as much as they value them.

Anxious attachment types are always very vigilant in intimate relationships, constantly pondering every move of the other person. They are afraid of unstable relationships and feel insecure, so they act suspiciously and speak rudely to cover up their inner fear and anxiety.

You

Your parents have given you plenty of trust and love, which is great! It means you don't have separation anxiety, so your attachment relationship is of the secure type. That is, you won't feel uncomfortable whether your parents or boyfriend is around, and you can both get along well.

Securely attached people are open to love and are ready to give their all to a relationship! They feel secure both in relying on others and being relied on.

And they're not worried about being alone or not being accepted!

This type of person is open to love and ready to give their all when they enter a relationship. They can also leave a relationship with a clear conscience.

3⃣️, confused

You said, "At first, I didn't understand his constant testing, and I didn't feel secure, which caused me to doubt that he was planning to marry me for real. But he always said that I was so outstanding...and so on...!"

Insecurity

Your boyfriend's contradictory behavior, which is strong on the outside but weak on the inside, has started to cause you a lot of confusion. But don't worry! You'll get through this together. You'll soon understand why he is so insecure, given that he is an academic. You later realized that it was his upbringing in his original family that caused him to be so insecure all the time. But you'll help him work through this!

It's great that you understand the impact of a person's upbringing in their family of origin on their future!

You may have overlooked his attachment type, which is also the reason for his lack of confidence. But there's no need to worry! His probing indicates that he has always been emotionally numb and has no feelings, so he uses probing to solve his confusion.

The man in the net

You can tell from what he says that he has deep-seated inferiority complexes. He envies your open-minded, carefree, and uninhibited personality, especially your ability to express your emotions freely. He feels both inferior and unable to match you, which causes him pain. But you can help him!

At this time, he cannot see his own excellence, and is caught in the net of inferiority he has woven for himself, unable to extricate himself. But there's no need to worry! There are ways to help him see his own excellence and break free of the net.

3. How to deal with it

You said, "How should I take good care of him? What are the specific ways? I'm looking for answers."

You really want him to be as strong and confident both externally and internally, and you want him to know that you are always there for him. You can do this in the following ways:

1. Know your strengths and build your self-confidence!

It's so important to understand your own strengths, especially those that set you apart from others. And it's equally important to let him know that he has something to be proud of!

In your interactions, be sure to praise him for things he does well and encourage him in a timely manner. This will help him know there is something you admire about him and build up his self-confidence!

2⃣️, Meet expectations

He is emotionally needy and has a strong sense of insecurity. Pay more attention to his emotional needs and fulfill his expectations—it'll be worth it!

Insightful appeal

He's telling you how wonderful you are! He's envious of your amazing qualities and wants to be more like you.

Projection is a fascinating phenomenon where we realize our unfulfilled expectations on others. It's like we're transferring our own impulses, motives, attitudes, and behaviors to others or to things around us. And here's the amazing part: we believe that others or things around them also have such motives and behaviors!

This is how he expresses his envy and expectations, and it is also a way of transferring responsibility to the outside world.

Give him what he needs and watch him flourish!

You understand the expectations behind his words and fulfill his expectations. Think about how your parents treated you when you were someone like him, and how you treat him.

I'd love to share my insights with you!

Your actions and verbal communication are your best tools for letting him know more about your current state of confidence. He'll be amazed to hear about how much your parents trust and love you, as well as your perceptions and insights. Let him understand that changing your relationship needs to start with mutual trust and mutual love — and he'll be excited to get started!

Be sure to encourage expression!

His lack of confidence is something you can easily help him overcome! All you have to do is give him the chance to express his wants and needs. You can encourage him every week to make a wish related to the two of you, and then work together to make it come true. Every wish that comes true is a source of emotional satisfaction for him. Over time, he will be able to express his emotional needs on his own initiative, without envying others.

3⃣️, give him the power of love!

The way he was brought up in his original family has a profound impact on him. It is a challenge, but it is one that you can overcome!

Let him feel true love in the way you love!

And the most important thing of all is consistent love!

Because you come from an open-minded family and feel secure and have no emotional worries, you won't care about your attitude towards him at first. But later, you'll want to show him how much you appreciate all the good things he does for you! Let him know that you feel and see his love, and give him the confidence to love and be loved.

This is so important!

Expressing love is a wonderful thing!

Love needs to be expressed, and it will be expressed! This is a bridge that enhances the relationship between you, love, and understanding.

Everyone has their own unique way of understanding and expressing love. Dr. Gary Chapman has identified five distinct "languages of love," which are: "affirming words," "quality time," "gifts," "acts of service," and "physical touch."

Affirming words

It doesn't matter if you're friends, colleagues, lovers, or married—you need praise and affirmation! And the best way to deepen your relationship is by giving more positive feedback.

Moments of care are a wonderful way to show your love and appreciation for your partner. They are a great way to create special memories together and strengthen your relationship.

A thoughtful moment is a wonderful moment and a wonderful memory that you share together! It could be a candlelit dinner or doing something meaningful together. Give your full attention to the other person during this time.

? Accepting gifts

Exchanging gifts on important holidays is a wonderful ritual that strengthens the bond between two people. The gift itself is a beautiful symbol of love and appreciation.

Acts of service are a wonderful way to show your love and appreciation for someone. They can be as simple as taking out the trash or as grand as planning a surprise party. Acts of service are a great way to make someone's day and show them how much you care.

In short, it means doing what the other person wants you to do and making the other person happy through your service in life. And it's so rewarding when you do! Such service actions are often small things in life, but they can have a huge impact.

Absolutely! Physical contact is a great way to show your love.

There's nothing quite like holding hands, hugging, and other forms of physical contact to increase the affection between you and your partner. It's a beautiful manifestation of love and a silent language of love.

If you use the five languages of love well, amazing things will happen! Your boyfriend will be able to truly experience love, his uneasy heart will naturally be put at ease, and your relationship will grow as you become more adept at expressing your love. His ability to love will also improve as a result of your interactions.

Questioner, believe in the power of belief! You will absolutely have a great outcome nourished by love!

And finally, I wish the original poster all the very best!

Greetings!

As a heart coach, I believe that learning is the most valuable asset one can possess.

From your description, it is evident that you are experiencing a range of intense emotions, including helplessness, confusion, worry, pain, and a sense of being at a loss.

The specifics of your concerns regarding interpersonal dynamics with your romantic partner are beyond the scope of this discussion. However, it is my intention to offer three key pieces of advice.

First and foremost, it is imperative to engage in an authentic dialogue with your partner.

Effective communication is a crucial aspect of resolving interpersonal issues. When individuals express their genuine thoughts and feelings in a sincere manner, it can provide a sense of security for the receiver.

It is important to exercise caution when communicating with the individual in question. Attempting to comprehend his perspective and situate oneself in his shoes can facilitate his ability to "hear" what is being conveyed, thereby increasing his willingness to trust.

As previously stated, the subject displays a consistent pattern of insecurity, which is likely influenced by his upbringing. He has been conditioned to seek external validation and praise, particularly in the context of academic performance. It is recommended to reassure him of your unconditional love and acceptance, regardless of his career achievements. Gradually, this approach may foster a sense of trust and security.

Secondly, it is recommended that you allow him some time to process the information. During this period, it would be beneficial to calmly reiterate your feelings of love and acceptance towards him.

Following honest communication, it is possible that the individual may still not fully trust the other party. This is due to the fact that their upbringing has led to the formation of a mindset that is challenging to alter. In such instances, it is essential to allow the individual time to process the information provided. During this period, it is beneficial to maintain a calm and peaceful demeanor while reiterating the unconditional nature of the relationship and providing specific examples of the individual's positive attributes. This approach allows the individual to identify their own strengths and recognize their inherent worthiness of love. By doing so, it fosters self-confidence and reinforces the sincerity of the relationship. With repeated expression of these sentiments, the individual may gradually develop trust and a sense of security.

It is imperative to recognize that expecting a change in behavior from this individual is futile.

Once communication has been established, a period of time has elapsed, and the assertion of love has been made, yet the individual in question persists in testing the limits and uttering harsh words, it may be necessary to temporarily accept the reality that this person lacks a sense of security.

When one accepts this reality and ceases to anticipate a change in the other person, the other may experience unconditional love and perceive that they are loved for who they are.

It may appear to be a contradiction in terms, but when one ceases to anticipate a change in another's behavior, that change may occur. This phenomenon can be attributed to the fact that transformation is contingent upon the maintenance of equilibrium.

Even in the absence of change on his part, acceptance of him as he is and cessation of expectations of change will facilitate a positive relationship. The absence of expectations will contribute to peace of mind, which in turn will positively impact the relationship.

In conclusion, three key strategies can be employed to foster positive interactions with this individual: communication in an honest and open manner, allowing for sufficient time for understanding, and accepting the individual for who they are. These actions can also facilitate the individual's capacity to love themselves well, encompassing the ability to recognize inner emptiness, acknowledge personal strengths, and embrace self-acceptance.

As he learns to love himself, he will also learn to love you, thereby strengthening the relationship.

It is my hope that this response is of some assistance. Should you wish to engage in further communication, you are invited to click on the link entitled "Find a coach to interpret – online conversation," which can be found at the foot of this page. This will enable me to communicate with you on an individual basis.