Not very satisfied with the people around you, unable to make true friends?

My name is Gu Yi. I am modest and self-effacing, and I am consistent.

♥Observe from the perspective of a bystander.

From your description, I can tell you're a college student. You're new to group life and are struggling to adjust. Let's take a moment to reflect on the emotions you felt when writing these descriptions. Were they just dislike, or were there other emotions involved?

We must decide whether to solve the problem by changing ourselves or by changing the other person.

The sides we show in different relationships are different. The child you described as someone you kind of like presents herself differently in different relationships. When you questioned her, she apologized, which is a sign. We can break out of our own thinking patterns and look at this relationship from the perspective of an outsider.

We calm our emotions and list the things we don't like about other people, whether they really exist or whether it's a matter of perspective. We must decide whether we want the other person to behave and live according to our expectations, or if it's because we can't accept some of the qualities they show. If they really exist, we must decide whether we want to change ourselves to deal with this relationship.

♥ Lowering expectations and being more tolerant will lead to a different feeling.

Open up your world and your views. It's normal not to like someone in life. No one exists just to be liked.

In a relationship, you must be willing to "seek common ground while reserving differences" if you want it to last. This is both an individual's tolerance and the tolerance of a relationship.

It's fine not to like someone. Don't let your dislike of someone affect your love for them. Many people make the mistake of letting their dislike of someone affect their view of that person. They see everything about that person as negative and feel targeted. Adjusting our perspective can help us see other potential in the other person.

Every relationship requires management. It's impossible to address every detail. To enrich your life, adopt an open-minded attitude and lower your expectations of others. It's simple to decide whether to end or continue a relationship. What matters is learning to get along.

Best wishes.

Hello!

Sending you lots of love! You're amazing. The questioner can also try to say this to themselves. Most people who find themselves "unjustly isolated" don't easily leave an unhealthy relationship because they feel isolated and don't want to lose the love of their life.

Have I been on the receiving end of any unkind behaviour from friends?

I feel like everyone around me is very calculating, which I don't like at all. The only person I like (a girl) has also been led astray by them, and our relationship is getting weaker and weaker. They even created two WeChat group chats with only the three of them. I didn't know about it at first, but after seeing that person's Moments, I found out. I asked her, and she apologized to me, saying that she would let me create a group chat again. The group chat I created has the four of us in it, but once, I saw one of them post several photos in the group chat, photos of the three of them put together, without me...

It's totally normal to feel a range of emotions when you realize that the person you thought was your best friend isn't really who you thought they were. It's okay to feel disappointed, hurt, or angry. After all, you thought you had a close friendship, but it turns out that you don't really know each other that well. Sometimes, friends compare with other unfamiliar relationships, and the attacks are more subtle, which makes one party in the relationship feel more hurt.

Let's say, for instance, that a good friend makes an unintentional joke that hurts your feelings. It's not meant to, but it still hurts. The friend doesn't take it seriously and it never happens again. This is a "hidden attack." It's hard to talk openly and honestly with our friends about our feelings because we don't want to hurt their feelings.

Let's look at an example from the story. The best friend (the friend the questioner likes) gradually has her own ideas, perceptions, and values that run counter to those of the questioner. She either actively or passively forms a clique to encourage the questioner. This is a form of "bullying," "cold treatment," and isolating the other person. It's the worst thing you can do in a relationship because it has a very negative impact on the other person's psychology and real life. The isolated party will feel self-doubt such as being rejected and not being recognized. It will also have a negative impact on her worldview.

It's a tough call, isn't it? Should it end or continue?

If the relationship you're in is really negative and you're feeling depressed and hurt, you can choose to end it. It's your right! You deserve to be happy and loved. Even if it seems like a normal relationship, if it's making you feel bad about yourself and you can't find a better one, you can move on. You'll find someone who makes you feel good about yourself and gives you the love you deserve.

And are friends always full of "schemes"? I don't think so!

A true friend is someone who gives you a boost of inner strength. They wouldn't dream of hurting your self-esteem just to get what they want. So, finding a true friend still takes some effort and a bit of know-how. It means being able to judge people and find someone who can truly stand with you and bring a sense of ease and freedom to your heart. It's a goal we all have in mind, but the person you truly want to be with is out there!

We all have friends who sometimes say or do things that make us feel attacked. What can we do when this happens?

I truly believe that when many people feel under attack, they seek help. And the response they get is always, "If you can bear it, bear it," and "It's better to avoid trouble than to get into it." In other words, when we encounter conflict, we can only endure it. But has the problem really been resolved? Has the other person's attacks decreased?

This isn't always the case, though. Sometimes, when we're upset about what someone else is doing, it can actually make them back off because they're afraid of conflict. It's not that they're wrong, but that they lack the courage to face the truth. Once it's out in the open, it can be a lot to handle. That's why many people are afraid to confront the problem head-on once it is made public.

For example, when the questioner discovers an uncomfortable behavior that makes them physically present, they can ask in a kind and open way, "What are your thoughts? You can tell me to my face."

At this point, the problem is made public, and the opponent can no longer maintain an invisible attack, nor can they get positive and active support from outside help. So, whether you want to end it or deal with it, the initiative is in your hands! You have the power to choose how you want to handle it. Nobody can really hurt you unless you let them. You have the right to choose for yourself.

I'm sending you lots of good luck and encouragement! You've got this!

Hello! I'm June.

Imagine this: you're in a dorm with three other people. They're close, and you're the one who's having trouble fitting in and being included. It can be really tough to feel left out like that, right?

The three of them created two WeChat group chats that only included the three of them. I didn't know about it at first, but after seeing that person's Moments, I asked her about it. She was really sorry and said that I should create a group chat again. So I did, and I included the four of us. But one time, I saw one of them post several photos in the group chat that were a collage of photos of the three of them. I didn't mind at all and I continued chatting with them as usual. But after a few days, they stopped talking. I asked them about their homework today, but no one spoke. I sent several messages, and finally someone replied, but she said that they were all busy. I told her to read the message I sent above, but she stopped talking.

From what you've told me, it seems like you've tried a lot of different things to fit in with your small group of three, but you're still feeling left out. I totally get it! There must be a reason why you're the only one feeling excluded, while the other three are getting along well.

1. Their commonalities

Do you think the three of them share some common characteristics? Maybe they like the same idols, come from the same region, or have the same hobbies! These commonalities give them things to talk about and enable them to interact.

If you want to fit in with the group, it's a great idea to find out what they have in common and then approach them from that perspective. Group life is different from family life. In the family, you're the most important person, and your parents respect your preferences and care about your feelings.

However, in group life, it's important to remember that you're not alone! If you want to integrate into the group, you'll need to shift some of your focus away from yourself and look at the needs of others.

2. The need to take sides

I feel like everyone around me is calculating, and I don't like it one bit! The only person I like (a girl) has been influenced by them, and our relationship is getting weaker and weaker.

It seems like the girl was originally on okay terms with you, but gradually, she was influenced by the other two and started hanging out with them. I'm just wondering, why did the girl gradually distance herself from you and get closer to them?

Could it be that the two of them are a little stronger, that she needs to gain their favor, and that in order to gain the right to be with them, she has to choose a side?

3. Be kind to your friends and love yourself!

When I asked them about their homework today, they all stayed silent. I sent several messages, and finally someone replied, but she said they were all busy. I told her to read the messages I sent above, and she stopped talking. I'm not sure if I should continue to get along with this person or end it (it has nothing to do with the other two people, I don't like her very much).

When you posted a message in your group and no one responded except her, it's because she could empathize with your feelings of being ignored. She gave you a little response within her capabilities because she cares about you.

I think you should have had a problem with the other two, but now that her response has not met your expectations, you are dissatisfied with her instead. From an outsider's perspective, it seems a bit like "picking on an easy target," which I don't think is fair.

Everyone has the right to choose their friends. You have the right to choose to join them, and it is also their right to refuse your inclusion. That girl you once had a crush on, if she chooses to be with them, it is also her right. She must also have her reasons, which are worthy of respect.

It's okay to feel like you don't fit in with a group. It just means that you're probably not their vibe. I bet you have your own great group of friends. Find some people with similar interests and start new friendships!

I really hope this helps! Wishing you all the best!

Insight into the mind, making sharing a habit! I'm talking to myself and I'm so excited to share this with you!

There's a great saying in interpersonal relationships: people flock together according to their kind, and things are divided according to their group.

What does this mean? This saying is used to describe the fascinating fact that like things tend to gather together, and like-minded people gather in groups, while the opposite is separated. It is a general term for friends who are of the same background and share the same interests—and it's a wonderful thing!

It's amazing how only people of equal energy can recognize each other, appreciate each other, and become close friends! So, what kind of good friend do you want to be? You have to first become that kind of person!

Where there are people, there is communication, and where there is communication, there are friends!

We may not have a lot of close friends, but there are some basic rules of social interaction that we should all know, and they're pretty simple!

Just because you don't like someone doesn't mean they're bad. Just as others don't like you, you shouldn't think badly of them just because they don't like you.

In the process of our interactions with others, when we face a certain person, we may feel resentment. Sometimes you don't even know what it is that you hate about him. Anyway, whenever you see him or hear him speak, it makes you feel uncomfortable.

Naturally, in actual social interactions, you will deliberately exclude these people from your circle of friends, deciding that you are not on the same page and that it is unlikely that you will become friends in this life. Once this kind of thinking takes root in your mind, you will unconsciously distance yourself from these people.

These people you define as calculating and with completely different values from you are not necessarily the ones with problems. What you call disagreeable and intolerable is often a lack of certain abilities within yourself—and you can work on that!

This sense of loss is something you don't notice in your daily life, but when it is displayed by others, it will turn into an invisible anger and rejection of others, which will in turn turn into a dislike for someone. But here's the good news! You can choose to see this as an opportunity to grow.

So, remember that when we don't like someone, it doesn't mean they're bad. It just means they're different from us! And while you feel that the other person is bad, in fact, the other person also doesn't like you and feels the same way about you.

When you encounter this situation, take a deep breath and ask yourself: Why can't you stand him? I bet there's a voice inside you that can clearly tell you the answer!

Friends, when you get along with each other for a long time and don't get tired of each other, and you feel a sense of comfort, then cherish it! Don't be suspicious, because this is something truly special.

When it comes to getting along with others, if you can call someone a friend, it is definitely not just a superficial acquaintance. There is a certain emotional foundation there, and it's a wonderful thing! You don't need too many close friends; one or two for the rest of your life is already a blessing. When it comes to getting along with others, there are not so many things to argue about or doubt. It is simple and natural, without any need for deliberate effort.

I'm always here to help if you need it! And if there's nothing going on, we can just mind our own business. There's no need to be overly pretentious. If someone wants to find someone to chat with, it's great! It's just important to respect your friends and their friends.

Since you are friends, you should respect each other and allow your friend to have his own circle of friends and friends of friends. You must not think that just because you are friends, he can no longer be friends with others. That would be too harsh.

Friends should celebrate their friends' strengths and be happy when they're sociable. They should also be open to learning from others and not worry about their own shortcomings.

And now for the final words!

Friends are our other half! —Cicero

Let me give you a quick overview of the situation.

There are four of them in the dorm. They're all really close.

You were left out of the loop.

This wasn't how it was at the start. From the beginning, two people formed a clique and then pushed the other friend further and further away.

Then you joined their group, and you were the only one left in the dorm. It didn't feel great.

It feels like I've been excluded, alienated, isolated, neglected, out of place, disliked, and pushed away.

What happened? It seems that three people set up a WeChat group.

After I voiced my concerns, a group of four was created.

It seems like no one wants to respond to my messages. The response wasn't immediate, and it wasn't instant. I had to send an inquiry asking why no one had replied to me before I got some reasons for not replying. It seemed like an explanation, but it was more like an excuse.

I know it's a tough situation. I can relate to how you're feeling.

So let's take a closer look at this.

We can't expect everyone to like us.

I'm not RMB, so I can't expect everyone to like me.

We can't like everyone, right?

We don't like someone because we bring our life experience, values, cognitive system, and emotional experience to the table.

Often, we find situations unacceptable because our views differ. We may also be carrying around some unexamined emotional experiences and a deep-seated sense of competition and jealousy.

We often see similar scenes in some TV dramas.

Maybe they got a lower grade than someone else one time and then they got jealous and started putting others down to protect themselves.

For instance, if the other person hails from a financially challenged background, they may be inclined to invest more time in their studies and have less exposure to social interactions. Some individuals might even choose to isolate the person further.

For instance, someone might come from an average family, have average grades, but have a great personality and be very popular with the opposite sex. There are also people who gossip behind others' backs.

So, the limited part is also realistic. You need to understand the specific situation by looking at your own situation.

It's pretty strange how it works: the people we don't like, they don't like us either.

So, let's go back to the beginning. Who are the two people you dislike the most?

Have you ever thought about what it is that you don't like about them in particular? Are there any things about them that you admire and like?

Take a moment to think about it.

If it's just simple, I don't think it's the right move.

In the past, this friend was closer to you, and now it seems that they are also close to them. This has made you feel a little bit further away from them both, both physically and psychologically.

Or, I could think about whether I have any real, likeable friends outside the office.

After all, making friends isn't something that just happens when people meet.

We'll meet lots of people in our lives, but not all of them will be friends. In fact, only a small number of people can truly become friends. The ancients also said, "Acquaintances are everywhere, but few people have a true heart."

I'm not their best friend, just an ordinary relationship, even though we're in the same dormitory. Would you say that's a more straightforward way of looking at it?

Let's get back to the matter of making friends. If you want to become friends with other people,

First, be your own friend. This means accepting and respecting yourself, and believing that you are kind, good, and sincere.

2. Be proactive, gentle, and moderately enthusiastic. Greet people you like when you see them and smile. This will make the other person feel appreciated and respected, and show them some kindness when appropriate and offer some help within your abilities. It will also make people want to get close to you because you are able to show kindness.

3. Get to know other people and try to see things from their perspective. If you were in their shoes, you'd understand why.

And those ideas and opinions.

This will also help to reduce any hostility in your interactions.

Fourth, accept that other people are different from us. First of all, everyone has a different personality. Everyone was raised differently.

They have different ways of doing things and different hobbies and preferences.

5. Friends should respect each other and try to understand each other.

We're equals. We're not dependent on each other.

It's really important to respect yourself and the other person in a relationship.

6. It's important to accept that friendships will end at some point. We can't expect them to last forever.

Sometimes, as we grow and develop, friendships can end because our needs change. It's important to express your goodwill and sincerity in these situations.

Be open to the idea that the friendship might end. Give yourself the benefit of the doubt.

And remember to give the other person your blessings too. We can all have our own friendships.

Let's go back to the last question.

Let's go back to the last question.

1. First, take a step back and assess your own mindset. Could my negative feelings towards the other person be causing the tension in our relationship? If so, try letting go of those negative feelings and approach the other person with kindness and respect.

2. Find your own respect and loveliness. I might not be what you think I am, but I'm still lovable and worthy of love.

I respect myself and I accept you. Not everything is black and white.

3. Absolutely. We can interact with friends who aren't particularly close and become friends on the outer circle.

We can also become friends with people who aren't in our inner circle, but there's no need to be hostile.

Wishing you the best.

Good day. I am a coach at Xin Tan. I believe the issue you are facing is that you are not fully satisfied with the people around you and that you are having difficulty forming genuine connections.

You perceive that those around you are calculating, which is an unfavorable sentiment. The only female acquaintance you have also been misled by others, and your relationship with her is deteriorating. This individual has concealed information from you and apologized. There are four individuals in the group chat you have created, but you observe that one of them has posted a photograph of the three of them together in the group, excluding you. You experience anger and a sense of being ignored and abandoned.

Despite your efforts, the other party did not respond. After a few days, they ceased communication. You inquired about their progress on the assigned tasks, but received no response. You sent several messages, and finally, one individual replied, stating that they were preoccupied. You advised them to review the message you had sent previously, which prompted a cessation of communication. You are uncertain whether you wish to maintain the relationship or terminate it.

Your account is comprehensive. You perceive a shift in your friends' attitudes towards you. You feel a sense of loss and exclusion, which evokes a complex emotional response. You place a high value on the friendship, yet it seems that your friend's appreciation for it may not align with your own. You experience a sense of hurt.

First, the questioner should ascertain the reasons for their dissatisfaction with other individuals.

If you are indeed dissatisfied with other people, you may find yourself alienating them and interacting less with them, which could hinder your ability to develop friendships. It is possible that your lack of friends is, at least in part, a result of your own active choice to avoid those you look down on.

Your colleague has become distant. Do you know why? Why don't you find out the reason, express your concerns, and try to resolve the issue? If you choose to disengage every time you feel hurt, rather than finding out the reason, how will you address the underlying issues when the same situation occurs in the next relationship? If you only choose to end the relationship as a coping strategy, your network will naturally become narrower.

Secondly, I recommend that the questioner learn to express their inner feelings, actively seek out problems, and address them.

I suggest you read Dr. Marshall Rosenberg's "Nonviolent Communication" and "Empathic Communication" to learn to express yourself and improve your ability to communicate empathically.

Psychologist Alfred Adler posited that all difficulties originate from interpersonal relationships.

Maintaining interpersonal relationships is also a skill that must be learned. This skill is not something that is innate; rather, it is something that is acquired through interactions with others.

The method of non-violent communication is as follows:

Provide a detailed account of what you have observed.

Be open and honest in communicating your thoughts and feelings.

It is important to be clear about the underlying needs associated with your thoughts and feelings.

It is important to be clear about your expectations and to communicate them effectively to others.

3. The Golden Rule and the "Anti-Golden Rule" of Interpersonal Relationships

There is a golden rule in interpersonal relationships: "Treat others as you would like to be treated." This is the attitude we should adopt towards others in business relationships.

Additionally, there is an anti-golden rule in interpersonal relationships: "How I treat others, others must treat me." This is a requirement for others, regardless of their willingness to comply.

It is possible to modify our approach to interpersonal relationships and adjust our attitude. If we believe that an individual is worthy of our investment of time and energy, we should offer them the same respect and express our needs in a clear and assertive manner. If the other person is unable or unwilling to reciprocate, we have the option of either ending the relationship or continuing it as is.

The development of a relationship is contingent upon the willingness and ability of the two parties involved. It is only through gaining from each relationship that we can facilitate growth.

I hope you can conclude this matter expeditiously and wish you the best of luck.

Hello,

You feel ignored, excluded, and neglected because a friend who used to play well with you is now playing with someone else. I understand how you feel.

We feel sad and hurt because we think this friend is important to us. When they get close to other friends or ignore us, we feel unbalanced and that they don't value us. However, if they ignore us, it means they don't consider us friends. Even if you like this person as a friend, you don't have to lower your self-esteem to please them.

How to solve it:

[1] First, think about what a friend is.

A friend is someone who helps us in times of trouble, listens to us, and comforts us. Being roommates is not the same as being friends. Think about what a friend is and what it means to be a friend.

[2] Think about if this person can really be your friend.

If you can see that this friend you like doesn't care about your feelings and even gets along better with them, it's not a problem. Everyone has different criteria for choosing friends. A friend's personality, hobbies, and style of doing things can all influence one's circle of friends.

Friends should be tolerant, understand each other, and respond to each other.

From what you said, it seems like your "favorite friend" doesn't respond to you quickly and might even be excluding you. It doesn't sound like he considers you a friend. A true friend is someone who can help each other, respond quickly, and care about the other person.

True friendship is not about possession or pleasing.

If you're too possessive in a relationship, it will cause problems. Think about whether you're trying too hard to please the other person. Lowering your self-esteem to please them won't earn their respect. Only friends with similar interests can meet and find true friendship.

Knowing your own principles and ideas, making your own judgments, and then making the right choice about who to be friends with is also a process of screening along the way in our lives. If this relationship is not useful, it is best to discard it. If you can maintain this friendship, that is also possible. Know your own thoughts and choices.

I hope these opinions help.

Hello, I'm Look!

The questioner describes, "I feel that everyone around me is very calculating, which I don't like at all. The only person I like (a girl) has also been led astray by them."

If you think about this situation from another perspective, you might even find that the "scheming" label is something you've put on them, rather than it being a reflection of reality!

This could be a cognitive distortion!

✅ Cognitive distortion

Psychologist Aaron Beck has discovered something truly fascinating about the human mind. He has identified a phenomenon he calls "cognitive distortion." This is a way of thinking that can make it harder for us to process information. And it can even lead to psychological disorders!

✅ Negative state

Guess what! Each person has formed some cognitive distortions in their learning experiences in childhood. This is a major reason why we often fall into a negative state of mind. But there is a way to change this!

Give it a try!

Let's rewrite the rules!

In his book New Emotion Therapy, the famous American psychologist David Burns has some great advice for avoiding anger. He says that we can rewrite the rules and lower our standards and expectations. These "rules" are actually just psychological expectations that we hold when interacting with others.

It's time to lower your expectations!

Disappointment is when your expectations don't match reality.

Joy is the result of reality minus psychological expectations!

The expectancy effect was first proposed by the brilliant psychologist Thibaut in 1928. Thibaut had the amazing insight that human behavior is not influenced by direct results, but by what results we expect our behavior to bring about.

David Burns's New Emotion Therapy

The source of negative emotions is not negative events, but your thoughts—and you can change your thoughts!

All anger stems from the fact that other people's actions and thoughts fail to live up to your expectations, and you feel disappointed. But here's the good news: you can choose to feel angry or you can choose to feel something else!

Take a good, hard look at yourself! I am! Best wishes!