On the surface, the family appears happy and content, but in reality, it is sad and depressing. The parents have a difficult relationship, and the child is a handful.

Dear question asker,

My name is Sunny Dolphin Floater, and I'm a psychological counselor and family education instructor.

?‍♂️Dear lady, I hug you. In this social environment, which is full of challenges, raising children is a problem for many families. The age difference between the first and second child is not great, and there are financial considerations with having two boys.

It is understandable that your eldest and second eldest children, your husband, your parents, and your in-laws are the people closest to you, and this may be making you feel somewhat overwhelmed and tired, is that right?

?‍♂️It's possible that there's a reason why your eldest son hits your youngest. For instance, a joke that family and friends tell the children, "You see, mommy and daddy don't love you anymore because they have a new baby brother." To us adults, this is just a joke, but it's worth considering what a 6-year-old understands about jokes.

?‍♂️I wonder if you've noticed that your husband and your eldest child seem to have similar behaviors. It's as if they're copying each other. When dad hits me, I hit my brother. What's going on in the child's mind? It's just that after hearing what seems like a joke, they feel that they have really been neglected by their family after the arrival of their younger brother, so they are looking for things to attract their parents' attention. If you come home from work, you might try doing it in a specific order: give your eldest child a hug first, then take your eldest child to interact with your second child. Stick with it for a while and see if there is any change.

I hope you don't mind me asking, but could I check whether your husband's income has been affected by the pandemic in recent years?

?‍♂️Your husband is from another place, and it's possible that not being able to take care of his parents may be a significant concern for him. In the past few years, due to the impact of the epidemic, it's understandable that many people have been worried about their parents' lives. There are still a few things you might like to ask your husband about, such as whether his parents' health is good or if there's something on his mind that's causing him to feel down.

If I understand correctly, you are saying that the job is stable, which I take to mean that it provides a reliable income. Have you experienced any changes in your income as a result of the pandemic in recent years?

I wonder if I might ask how you two financial planners divide up the work? Having a second child in your life will undoubtedly increase expenses, which is perfectly normal. However, it is important to find ways to relieve these pressures and worries. Perhaps you could take some time to have a good chat with your husband?

Perhaps it would be helpful to ask him why he is unhappy and what he is worried about.

It is possible that after ten years, the understanding between each other may have remained at the time of falling in love. However, it is important to remember that people grow up every day. If a couple neglects each other and stops observing and studying each other, it can lead to a situation where you may no longer know each other as well as you once did. Therefore, it is essential to nurture your marriage and express your feelings, while also being mindful of each other's moods. It can be beneficial to allow your partner to explain the source of their bad mood and resolve it, so that your marriage can remain fresh and positive.

When he is in a bad mood, he naturally has less patience for his children. In his opinion, six years old is already considered an adult, but that may not be the case in every family.

I believe this is not the current concept. Even if they are teenagers, they are still children.

It is still possible for children to be held in their parents' arms. This is how the husband treats the children.

It is only natural that children will imitate their parents' actions.

This creates a vicious cycle. When the husband is in a bad mood and annoyed by the eldest child, he may lash out at him.

It is possible that the eldest child, having heard the gossip from neighbors or relatives, may come to believe that the second child is responsible for the situation. This could potentially lead to the eldest child hitting the second child.

It's possible that the husband's concept still lingers on the parenting concept of "a dutiful son comes from under the rod." It might be the case that in the husband's opinion, it is normal for the older to beat the younger.

I can imagine it must be quite challenging for you as a mother. Please accept my warmest regards.

Middle age can be a challenging period in life. It is a time when we are responsible for our parents and our own children.

I wonder if I might ask you a question.

?‍♂️On the subject of your parents, I get the impression that you are a happy person.

They are both children's mothers, and they may still hear their parents' nagging.

They should be happy! It seems, though, that there might be something you've overlooked.

Perhaps they have simply come to realize that they have grown up. It's possible that they haven't yet noticed that their parents have grown old.

I wonder if you might have noticed what they're nagging about.

It would seem that, in the case of the two children, their grandparents represent their own generation, and that they are inclined to spoil and love their children.

In terms of nagging and scolding, it's understandable that the parents felt they had no other choice given the challenging behavior of their children.

As grandparents, they were reluctant to raise their hand, so they resorted to nagging and scolding.

If you take the time to reflect on the reasons behind your parents' nagging and scolding, I believe you will be able to understand them better.

It might be a bit much for elderly people to take care of two children at once.

It's understandable that the two old people don't know how to communicate with you and your husband. They may feel like they're acting like old children by using this method, but it's a way of escaping for a while and going away to rest. Our parents have given us so much love, and we're used to being wrapped in it. It's natural for us to take their love for granted and not notice that they've grown old. We even complain that they don't give us enough.

It is only when they fall that we suddenly realize that they have grown old and that time is no longer on their side. At that time, perhaps we could consider whether lamenting, "My children want to provide for me, but I cannot wait for them; the tree wants to be still, but the wind will not let it be," is the most constructive way forward. Taking on more family responsibilities and giving the elderly a break could be a valuable step for you and your husband to take right now.

Perhaps it would be helpful to consider that more pressure is also a future thing. What are your thoughts on this?

I hope this finds you well. I just wanted to drop you a quick line to see if I could be of any help.

I will conclude here, hoping that my words have been helpful. Take care.

I hope this message finds you well. I just wanted to send a quick note to express my gratitude for your support. Warm regards, Yi Xinli

Right now, you might be feeling a little confused and irritable, but don't worry!

You're tired, but you've got this! You just need a moment to rest and sort out all these things. Don't worry about anxiety—you've got this! Just put things on hold for now.

Take a deep breath and relax!

Now, let's talk about your husband. He's doing a great job taking care of the children with your parents, but it's natural for him to feel a little uncomfortable at times. After all, they're not your biological parents, so he may need to be more polite when speaking and be a little more cautious. Plus, your parents are a bit challenging to get along with, so he's in a tough spot. He'd love to let his own parents come and see the children, and show his filial piety, but he can't. It's a bit of a dilemma for him. On top of that, the two boys are fighting every day, which is a challenge for him. When he gets anxious, it just adds fuel to the fire.

Your parents are getting old, but they're still going strong! They're now looking after their daughter and grandchildren, and they're still worried and tired every day. They may complain when they feel physically exhausted, but they're still going strong!

As for children, almost all firstborns will be excited about the arrival of the second child for a few years, because parents get to pay less attention to them at this time.

The husband-and-wife relationship is the most important one of all! Find some time and a place where you can have a meal together in an elegant environment without the participation of your parents and children. Relax and exchange your thoughts with each other to reach a consensus, so that you can better handle the problems that lie ahead.

As for the parents, I think it is a great idea to raise the children yourself and let them enjoy their twilight years! This way, you can avoid any pressure from your parents affecting your relationship with your spouse and children.

When it comes to children, I wholeheartedly believe that it's best to prioritize the eldest.

After reading your message, I felt a sense of pressure that I couldn't quite put my finger on. I'm not sure what kind of frustration, powerlessness, or even dissatisfaction you might be experiencing. I just took a few slow, deep breaths through my nose and out of this magic circle, and I wanted to send you a hug, to the hardworking second child mother, the strong woman.

Life can often feel like a tangled mess, with challenges that seem insurmountable and a lack of accessible resources to help us navigate them.

This brings to mind a phenomenon: when we are in deep mud, our rational brain knows that at this moment we should try to maximize the contact surface between our body and the mud, waiting for the opportunity to get out of the mud or wait for help. Instinctively, we will keep struggling to get out of the mud quickly, but the deeper we get stuck.

I wonder if I might suggest that you consider allowing yourself to give up struggling and trying. I know it may be difficult, but try not to try to find a way out, or to change the situation. Instead, take a moment to look at your children, your parents, and your husband, who is working hard without saying a word.

Perhaps you're wondering what the point of that is. I must admit, I'm not entirely sure myself.

I wonder if, in theory, if we ceased striving, our brains might also cease their relentless criticism and negativity towards us. Amidst the chaos, it would be beneficial to create space for stillness and allow things to unfold organically.

Perhaps we could try to set aside 20 minutes every day for such a pause. During those 20 minutes, we could have the opportunity to be ourselves again, drink a glass of water, close our eyes and ears, or do whatever we want. It might be helpful to take care of yourself first, and give yourself a loving space and time.

And as for the rest? There are still 23 hours and 40 minutes remaining, which provides plenty of time.

Hello. I am Yu Ting, a psychological counselor.

Your relationship seems happy and perfect on the surface, but I can see the sadness and repression beneath. Your child is a handful.

From what you've written, it's clear you're under a lot of stress. You're tired, mentally exhausted, and unable to release pent-up emotions. You're on the verge of a breakdown, or already in the midst of it.

.

Let's identify his emotions.

First and foremost, it's about the parents' emotions.

Your parents have been helping you with the baby, while your in-laws cannot help you because of their health. This has led to a complex emotional landscape, where you feel a mix of guilt and gratitude towards your parents. However, your parents also engage in nagging and scolding, and when they get angry, they simply walk away. This is difficult for you to accept, and it has led to feelings of resentment towards your parents. However, I believe you are able to suppress these emotions, given that they are taking care of your child and you cannot express them to them.

Now, let's talk about your children's emotions.

After the second child was born, you felt a strong sense of powerlessness. It was challenging for you to find a way to get along with both children at the same time. This was indeed a difficult time for you as a mother. The second child was very young and needed your care, as did the eldest child. Both children needed you at this time, so it was really difficult. If you did not handle the situation well, it was easy to cause conflicts between the two of them. Although the birth of the younger child had the consent of the eldest child, he was still young at the time, only three years old, and he did not really understand what it meant for him to have a younger brother.

Emotionally, I feel... Towards my husband:

Your husband is suppressing a lot of emotions. He is experiencing the same pain you are, but he doesn't know how to express it. This makes you even more fragile and dependent on him.

The solution is clear:

I believe the root of your family's difficulties lies with the children. Your conflicts with your parents stem from the children, and your disagreements with your husband are likely also due to the pressure brought on by the children, as well as your relationship with them. If you can resolve the situation with the children, it will undoubtedly lead to a resolution of all these problems.

You are in a difficult situation, but you have many resources. You have parents who can help you take care of the children, a down-to-earth husband who is willing to work hard, and you and your husband both have stable jobs. This also means that your family's financial situation is very stable, so there is no need to worry. You have many resources. Many families are not as lucky as you are and lack resources. I hope you can see the positive side of yourself and not let yourself become too anxious. Your two children are still young, and we still have many opportunities to find ways to get them to get along more harmoniously.

Improve your relationship with your husband. You and your husband have both had a hard time recently, and you both need to treat yourselves well. Put the children's problems aside for now. You two can arrange some time to relax and spend some time just the two of you. Go see a movie, have dinner, go for a walk, and forget about the children for a while. You just belong to yourselves. Repair your relationship. Then, face the difficulties of parenting together. You will have more strength to face them, because you will no longer be alone, each of you in your own emotions, anxious and angry.

You should have someone to face it with you.

You can learn how to get along better with your parents or stop asking them to help with the baby. You can bring up the baby by yourself. It will be more tiring, but you will find ways to get along with the baby more quickly and without interference. Having too many people taking care of the baby is often more difficult. You can also learn more about parenting methods and how to better raise children, especially the eldest child.

Seek advice from a counselor or listener if you encounter difficulties in parenting. There are many ways to do this, depending on which one you are used to.

These are the things that come to mind. I know they can help you. I'm certain you'll find a way out of your predicament!

Hello! Let me give you a hug!

As a mother of two, you already have a lot on your plate. Now, you're also struggling to communicate with your husband and facing a depressing marital relationship. Your parents are trying to help, but their nagging and scolding are adding to your stress. It's a tough situation!

In the face of life's challenges, take a deep breath and try to calm down.

Family Problems

There are three main problems at home.

1. The couple's relationship is bad. You say that your husband is depressed, doesn't talk to you, and is angry all the time.

The two children are still young. Now is the time for the couple to support each other. Your husband's behavior must make you feel uncomfortable.

Your way of expressing this shows that your marriage wasn't always like this. When did it start and what caused it?

2. Your husband is rude to you and to his children.

After his younger brother was born, his parents became short-tempered. This shows that they are rude to their child.

After the younger brother was born, the older brother became increasingly unbalanced. He doesn't like the younger brother and hits him whenever he does something that doesn't please him. The younger brother cries every day.

This is a conflict between parents and children.

3. There are conflicts between generations. Your parents are helping with the kids, but they are annoyed by them. It is hard to get along with parents who nag and scold. They tell you that you are not teaching your kids well or that they are not doing their homework. They just leave when they get angry.

They're helping, but they're also adding pressure to your small family.

Anger can cause problems that need to be solved quickly. You and your husband have to deal with these things like putting out a fire, which can be very tiring when you have young children.

What's the main conflict?

Although family matters may seem chaotic and intertwined, the basic principle for solving problems is to first grasp the main contradiction.

A family is like a tree. The relationship between the couple who started the family is the foundation. The relationship between husband and wife is the most important. If the couple doesn't get along, it causes anxiety for the children and elderly. To solve problems, we must start with this core.

You say your family is happy and content, but I sense this was once not the case. You say you and your husband never spoke loudly about your older brother before your younger brother was born. At that time, you and your husband had a sweet and harmonious relationship.

Why is your husband communicating less with you?

Have you told your husband how you feel? What do you want from your relationship?

Does your husband know you expect this?

Think about these issues and you may find why your relationship has become oppressive.

A good marriage helps you parent and get along with the elderly. It also helps you pass on positive energy to your children and the elderly, reducing their anxiety.

Look at family relationships from a psychological point of view.

Family problems are really just problems in relationships. You can solve them by focusing on psychological needs.

Paying attention to, understanding, and accepting your partner's feelings can make them feel loved, which makes your relationship healthy.

This kind of relationship is the best for family relationships.

Couples should pay attention to each other's needs. If your husband is silent, it could be because he has a need that isn't being met. To break the silence, you need to understand his need and meet it.

You also need your husband to understand and pay attention to your desire to break the silence.

Childish fights may seem normal, but they may also be a way of expressing needs. You say that after your younger brother was born, your older brother became increasingly unbalanced. Why?

What made the brother think this? Parents should pay attention to their children and accept their ideas. They should also help their children feel better.

The elder brother sees the younger brother as his opposite, so they fight. The younger brother is already hurt, and the elder brother sees only darkness. This makes the parents worry.

If this imbalance can be fixed, the older brother will get along with the younger brother and love him.

It is hard for the elderly to help with childcare. As they age, their energy and strength decline, and the birth of a younger brother adds to their burden.

It is hard for the elderly to help with childcare. As they age, their energy and strength decline, and their younger brother's birth adds to their burden, creating psychological needs.

More interaction and support can help.

There is no set rule for dealing with family conflicts. These ideas are just a reference, and I hope they help!

Dear questioner, After reading your description, I can tell that your family is going through some exciting changes! With the addition of a new member, your family structure is evolving. You're probably feeling a bit overwhelmed, but that's normal. You've been running around like a bee! But, there's a saying that I love:

A crisis is an opportunity in disguise! The addition of a family member and changes to the family structure are the perfect time to do a software upgrade. It's a valuable growth opportunity for everyone!

The younger brother is three years younger than the older brother. The younger brother's birth was like a love triangle. You say that the older brother gave his consent when the younger brother was born. I have to do justice for the older brother: don't say that a three-year-old child doesn't understand what it means to have an older brother. To be serious, minors are not civilly liable for their actions. People regret it now. The way you scold and beat him will only increase his sense of insecurity. After the younger brother was born, my parents stopped loving me. The younger brother is the culprit. Next time, I'll have to beat him harder.

I know it might not seem like it right now, but I promise you, things will turn out for the best!

A six-year-old child may be a little more mature than a three-year-old child, but he has the same psychological needs for "unconditional positive attention," understanding, recognition, care, and acceptance as his younger brother. What's more, at the age of six and a half, he should be starting primary school, leaving the familiar environment and entering a whole new world. Of course he will have separation anxiety, and when he gets home, all he wants is a warm hug. But that annoying little brother of his has attracted the attention of the whole family, and he might even rummage through my school bag and break my toys. He's really hateful! So try to see things from his perspective and try to understand what unmet needs are causing him to be so angry.

Then, with a little guidance, he'll be able to express his needs and anger calmly.

Now, let's talk about the two old kids at home. They've retired, but they live at their daughter's house and help out with household chores. The trivial matters that happen day after day are enough to make them suffer. So, let's give them a chance to take a break! Why not go on a short trip to relax their body and mind? Or, we could spend some money to hire a part-time worker to share some of the housework. Spending money to buy time can also make people happy. And spending money on gifts can also help!

This is the most exciting time! A family is all about mutual understanding and support.

And there are children in the family, right? Your husband is from a different place, and you have added new family members and encountered new challenges. But you can help him! There are many online courses on how to deal with stress and parent-child relationships. Take this opportunity to learn together. This kind of "like-mindedness" can enhance your relationship even more. From mixed doubles to husband and wife returning home together, what a beautiful picture!

And finally, give yourself a big hug! You are strong and courageous, and you can do this. It may feel like the burden of the family has fallen on you, but you are proving that women are better equipped to reconcile relationships. Show yourself more self-care and seek more social support. Just post a request for help on the platform like you did today, and you will find that there are many kind and wise strangers who will offer help. Always remember: the world and I love you!

I'm Zhang Huili, a listening therapist, and I'd love to chat with you! I'm also a mom to two awesome kids.