Over a year since the breakup, why can't I stop seeking my ex-boyfriend?

Greetings!

As a heart exploration coach, I believe that learning is the most valuable asset of the human body.

From your description, it is evident that you are experiencing a multitude of internal conflicts, including doubts, confusion, entanglement, pain, and helplessness.

For over a year since the dissolution of the relationship, you have been unable to cease your demands of your former romantic partner. The reasons for this behavior are complex and warrant further examination. In the interest of providing you with a comprehensive understanding of the underlying dynamics, I will endeavor to elucidate the factors contributing to this pattern of behavior.

Firstly, the inability to cease requesting items from one's former romantic partner may be indicative of an underlying inability to obtain sufficient paternal affection.

As previously noted, your family of origin was characterized by domestic violence and mental control. Following your departure from the country at the age of 17, you rarely contacted your parents. Additionally, you have expressed concerns that you may be projecting your father's love and frequently experience dreams in which he is your actual father.

Due to a lack of paternal affection during your upbringing, including from your mother, you experience an internal deficiency. This leads you to seek external validation and affection from a figure akin to your father. Your logical mind may argue that he is not your biological father and that such a relationship is not possible. However, your subconscious continues to crave this form of love, manifesting in your repeated requests for it from your current romantic partner.

Secondly, the individual in question is unable to cease requesting items from their former romantic partner. Additionally, they may be driven by a desire to demonstrate their inherent goodness and worthiness of love.

The desire to love and be loved is one of the basic needs of human beings. The affirmation and love of one's parents during childhood instills the knowledge that one is inherently good and worthy of love. This is also an important source of a person's sense of self-worth and self-confidence. However, your original family did not provide you with these things, so you unconsciously seek them from others to "prove" that you are worthy of love. Your ex-boyfriend happened to be the kind of person who gives, "he is willing to give you, and you just happen to need it," so this is the state of your relationship.

Thirdly, the inability to cease providing for your former partner may also be attributed to his personality traits.

As previously stated, he may be a giver type who is accustomed to caring for others and lacks the ability to decline requests. This may explain why he does not refuse your demands, which in turn makes you unable to stop.

It is possible that your ex-boyfriend was the kind of well-behaved and understanding "good guy" type of child in his original family, which may have resulted in an inability to assert boundaries. Despite occasional feelings of being crossed and under significant pressure, he will typically respond to you.

Additionally, your boyfriend appears to lack the ability to decline requests assertively. This may be attributed to a reluctance to be perceived as the "bad guy."

Subsequently, should he decline your advances, you will inevitably perceive him as the "bad guy." He has consistently cultivated an image of a "good guy," and is thus reluctant to disappoint anyone. Consequently, even if your demands cause him discomfort, he is unable to refuse.

The aforementioned rationale serves as the foundation for my analysis. In regard to the resolution of the current situation, I have formulated three recommendations.

First and foremost, it is imperative to recognize the distinction between the self and the younger self, as well as the distinction between the ex-boyfriend and the father figure.

It is not uncommon for individuals to crave a parental figure who can provide them with unconditional love and support during their formative years. However, it is crucial to recognize that one's current self is not the same as their childhood self. With the passage of time and the accumulation of knowledge and experience, individuals develop the capacity to love and value themselves, rather than relying on external sources for this fundamental need.

Furthermore, it is important to note that your ex-boyfriend is not your father.

It is similarly unlikely that even your father, were he able to love you in the way you require, would be able to provide you with what you desire at this time (even if the circumstances have changed). Furthermore, even if your former partner were to satisfy your current needs, you would still experience a sense of deficiency. Therefore, it is essential to focus on your own inner resources.

Secondly, it is recommended that you direct your attention towards self-love and self-acceptance. This process can be conceptualised as an inward journey of self-discovery and self-compassion.

For example, it would be beneficial to focus on the positive attributes of one's character. One possesses a multitude of admirable qualities, including a robust network of supportive friends and a keen interest in various pursuits. These attributes serve as invaluable resources that can be leveraged for personal growth. Additionally, it is crucial to cultivate an awareness of one's emotions, acknowledge one's needs, and demonstrate respect for one's feelings. Over time, this will facilitate the acceptance of oneself, leading to the realization that one's intrinsic worth is sufficient and deserving of love.

It is recommended that a productive dialogue with your former partner be initiated.

When hearts are opened and communication occurs, the "problem" may be discovered and recognized as the initial stage of change.

He may no longer blindly satisfy your demands, and you will also become aware of your own abilities and cease making demands of him. In this way, your relationship will gradually develop in a healthy direction, with refusals, boundaries, and appropriate assistance.

It must be acknowledged that such a change is a process; therefore, it is essential to allow sufficient time for it to occur. This "permission" not to change is what is likely to promote change in the status quo. It may appear contradictory, but it is a fundamental principle that change is based on allowing things to remain unchanged.

It is my hope that this response is of some assistance to you. Should you wish to engage in further communication, you are invited to click on the link labelled "Find a Coach" at the foot of this page, which will enable me to communicate with you on an individual basis.

Hello, question asker!

I'm a little white guy with no worries, and I'm here to help take away your worries!

I have read your question carefully, and I want to give you a big hug!

I'm excited to share some thoughts and suggestions that I hope will be helpful for you!

Let's dive right in and explore the unique challenge the questioner is facing! We'll delve deep to understand and analyze it.

It's been over a year since I broke up with my ex-boyfriend, and it's been great! He's been really good to me since the breakup, listening to me and helping me out. He did say that sometimes I crossed the line and put a lot of pressure on him, but that's to be expected in a relationship!

I have the best friends anyone could ask for and I'm passionate about so many things in my life. I feel like my life is complete! I usually give my friends plenty of personal space, care a lot about other people's feelings, and basically have no demands or expectations of them (maybe essentially I don't rely on them at all).

But I just can't stop asking for things from my ex, even if it might make him uncomfortable. And I feel like I don't actually need the things I ask for? For example, when we meet, I'll ask him to stay with me a little longer or ask him about his life like a detective, but I don't feel happy spending time with him. I even regret wasting this time afterwards, but at that time I just can't help asking for things. If I can't get what I want, I'll feel sad.

(Background: a domestic violence and mental control in the family of origin, often cursed by his father, affecting his life, telling him to go to hell, went abroad at the age of 17 with almost zero contact with his parents. I think I may have a projection of paternal love on my ex-boyfriend, often dreaming that he is my father... I know that sooner or later I have to learn to be independent and let go, but once I let go, the pain is so unbearable that I can't live, and he will usually do whatever I ask...

It's been over a year since the breakup, and I'm still going strong! But I've got one question: why can't I stop demanding from my ex?

Maybe you just need companionship!

Time will slowly settle things, and some people will slowly fade from your heart. It's time to learn to let go! Your happiness requires your own completion, so go out there and get it!

▶️ When I broke up with my boyfriend before, I kept thinking about him. I was used to his company and didn't have many friends, but I was excited to start a new chapter!

I feel very lonely, but I'm excited to find him!

If you can't let go or move on, you're the one who's in trouble! You're bound to the person you're waiting for, but don't worry, it's irrelevant and has nothing to do with you.

▶️ All stories have an ending. But the best part is that in life, every ending becomes a new beginning!

▶️ Absolutely learn to forget! Forgetting is a fantastic thing. Be optimistic, be positive, and smile!

You see, when you are happy, the world becomes a truly beautiful place!

▶️Go out for a walk, see different scenery, meet different people and things, and you will discover that your worries were originally so insignificant. From now on, don't indulge in fantasies, don't worry about trivial matters, live a good life, and be a person close to happiness.

Some things are destined to become stories, some people are destined to become old friends, and some roads are destined to be traveled alone. Some people and things intrude into your life, and you gain and lose. Remember the sorrows of yesterday and the joys of today, the happiness and sadness, and then look forward to tomorrow with hope and excitement!

❓❓ Background: I've had some interesting experiences! I grew up in a family where there was a lot of domestic violence and a mentally controlling family of origin. My father was quite the character! He often cursed at me and told me to go to hell. I made the bold decision to leave the country at the age of 17 with almost zero contact with my parents.

? Not every family is happy. Many people don't get the care and love they need from their parents. This is very hurtful, but no matter what, you have to face reality. ? Hugs!

▶️ Rely on yourself! Parents and children are connected by blood, but they don't have to be bound by love and hometown. They can rely on themselves and be happy!

▶️ Love yourself! You can't be strong on your own, so do your best to live a comfortable life. Don't let so-called family, parents, or filial piety hold you hostage!

Seek his love! Cherish friendships and love, love animals, focus on your own interests and hobbies, and you can satisfy some of your emotional needs.

‼️ Fulfill your duty to support your parents: Children have a duty to support their elderly parents. And it's a wonderful thing to be able to help them in this way! Even if they can't give each other affection, they can still fulfill their duty by providing daily support.

Then just love yourself and cultivate a heart of steel! Every little thing that seems to be the case, every day, is a beautiful day!

Just let go of all your worries and do the things that make you happy!

In summary, these are some of my views and suggestions. I really hope I can help you! I'm very unhappy, so remember to seek help.

You've got this! Stay strong and keep your chin up! Wishing you all the best!

I'm Xiaobai, and I'm absolutely thrilled to be here! I love the world, and I love you all!

Dear questioner,

Hello!

From your description, I can see that you are suffering because you cannot stop demanding from your ex-boyfriend, even though you know that these demands don't really mean much and you will regret them afterwards. You are suffering, blaming yourself, feeling helpless, and at the same time conflicted. You have been carrying this burden all by yourself, and it has not been easy for you. But you're going to get through this!

You're on the right track! You're aware of your own problems and are actively seeking help by asking questions. This is great! I can feel that you really want to be relieved from this pain. Below is my analysis of the problems you have encountered.

1. Behind the desire to obtain is our inner sense of dissatisfaction, some desires that we have not been able to satisfy. The questioner lacked parental love since childhood, so you long for it, and you often dream that he is your father—and why not? It's a wonderful thing to have a father figure in your life!

These are things you've always wanted, and now you've got them! You've transferred your inner longing to your ex-boyfriend, and your feelings for him are more like those for a father or older brother.

You long to satisfy your once-missing paternal love from your ex-boyfriend, even if it is just a form of emotional support.

2. You know that you'll get to learn to be independent and let go, and you're excited for it! It's because deep down you are afraid of losing, but you're also excited for a new chapter in your life without your ex.

It's not so much the fear of losing your ex-boyfriend, but the fear of losing your father and the fear of living without a father. In terms of a romantic relationship, he is just your ex-boyfriend, and you have already lost him.

What you are afraid of now is actually the loss of your emotional support and attachment to your father if you let go. Therefore, you will be afraid and suffer so much that you cannot live. But you can! You can overcome your fear and find a way to live without your father.

3. From the description, it seems that your ex-boyfriend could meet all your demands, which also gives you more expectations.

How can you get over this pain?

How can you be relieved from this pain?

1. Pain stems from a lack of love that you once felt, and the desire to make up for this lack of love is a true need in our hearts. But there are so many ways to make up for a lack of love! Learning to love yourself is the best way.

Loving yourself is all about accepting yourself and facing yourself bravely. Let the past be the past and cherish the present!

You've got this! Don't be afraid of losing, and don't fear the days without your father's love, because you are fully capable of loving and caring for yourself. You are seventeen years old and you are on your own, but you have made it this far, and you're doing great!

2. You have great friends and amazing things you love, so enjoy these good times!

3. Recognize that your feelings for your ex-boyfriend are more like those for a father or brother. This is great! It means you can face your ex-boyfriend with an open mind and interact with him like you would with your brother.

We really hope these suggestions are helpful for you!

Over a year after the breakup, you still can't stop asking your ex. But you've seen that you can start to fix things by asking questions and understanding why things happened.

In response to the questioner's content, the following is shared to provide reference perspectives on this problem:

1. Go back to the beginning of the breakup.

The ex-boyfriend and the questioner can still interact well even after the relationship ended. He tries to please her. Your previous relationship was good. You both had strong feelings and were reluctant to let go.

There's a lot to unpack about why the relationship ended. It might be because the breakup implies unfinished business that neither of you was aware of.

Think about how you broke up and what you agreed on and didn't agree on.

How were the differences seen?

When you understand what happened, you'll see where your relationship with your ex-boyfriend is going.

2. Know that not being able to stop asking your ex is a two-way thing.

2. The problem of "being unable to stop asking for your ex" is not just your problem. It's a result of "collusion" between the two of you.

Relationships are a two-person thing. The ex-boyfriend is so accommodating that the demands cannot end.

If you want to end it, you'll have to work together.

Talk with your ex about how your demands are fulfilling his needs.

This kind of communication helps you see what's working and what's not in the relationship.

3. Get to know yourself better.

3. Get to know yourself better.

Your former boyfriend's willingness to do anything for you makes you feel valued. Even if the relationship has broken down, this kind of compliance can give you a false sense of control.

The original family affects our intimate relationships, but we can still live the way we want as adults.

Our family experiences affect our relationships and our relationships affect our understanding of our family.

Giving yourself reminders helps you gain control over your life.

The first step is to know yourself. Move from seeking from the outside world to inner contentment.

I'm not an explorer of human nature, just a therapist who cares for the human heart. Bless you.

I'm not exploring human nature. I'm a therapist who cares about the human heart. I wish you well.

It is often said that what is lacking in childhood is made up for in adulthood.

It is often the case that a person's early experiences of unconditional love from their parents can have a significant impact on their subsequent personality development and even their entire life.

It is not uncommon for children who have experienced a lack of love to carry a sense of longing within them even as they grow up. When they enter into an intimate relationship, they may unintentionally project their inner longing onto their partner, seeking to find that kind of love they felt lacking in childhood from the other person. Unfortunately, this can sometimes lead to the other person feeling overwhelmed and unable to sustain the relationship, resulting in its dissolution or divorce.

"Fatherly" love is not something that anyone can give, and it can sometimes be challenging for the other person.

It seems that the questioner has a good understanding of his own situation, which may be influenced by his relationship with his father during childhood.

As you mentioned, he tends to comply with your requests.

It's possible that this kind of obedience to your every request is making it difficult for you to move on.

It's possible that his willingness to comply with your every request is a sign that he values and loves you. I'm not sure of the specific reason why you broke up, though.

"For instance, when we meet, I may ask him to stay with me a bit longer or inquire about his life. However, I often find myself feeling less than happy about spending time together. I sometimes even regret the time we spend together afterwards, but at the time I find myself unable to resist my natural inclination to demand it. If I don't get what I want, I do feel sad."

Perhaps it would be helpful to consider what it is that you truly desire from the other person. Is it simply to have them stay a little longer, or is there something deeper at play?

I wonder if I might ask about his life? What is it that you would like to confirm?

I would really like to know more about the other person's life and I also hope that they will spend more time with me. However, afterwards I feel unhappy and think I've wasted my time. It seems a little contradictory!

I feel a strong desire to see him and to learn more about him, but when I do see him, I don't feel entirely comfortable. Could this kind of conflict also be present in my relationship with my father?

It is not uncommon for individuals to unintentionally bring patterns and feelings from their early interactions with their parents into their intimate relationships, repeating those patterns of interaction.

Once you have this awareness, you may find that you are able to consciously remind yourself that an old pattern from your early years is coming back. When subconscious things are made conscious, you may feel that you have the right to choose, rather than being manipulated all the time.

Additionally, it's possible that what you refer to as "asking for" may be more akin to a way of confirming your status in his heart. For someone who experienced a lack of love during their childhood, it's understandable that they may place a high value on whether others love and value them.

Perhaps it would be helpful to reflect on our childhood experiences. We may have felt that our parents loved us because they were willing to spend time playing with us and to satisfy our requests. For instance, if we asked for a toy, a doll, or a pretty dress, they would often oblige. Now, looking back, the original poster shared that even if the other person broke up with them, they would still be willing to spend time with them and answer their every request. There seems to be a lot of subtlety here.

Adler observed that those who are unfortunate may spend a lifetime attempting to heal the wounds of their childhood, while those who are happy may find that healing occurs in childhood.

It's important to recognize that we all have been hurt by our family of origin to a greater or lesser extent. If we're not careful, we can find ourselves stuck in a cycle of pain, unable to move forward and live our true selves. It's crucial to acknowledge our pain, work towards overcoming it, and to recognize that we have the power to choose how we respond to it. By doing so, we can begin to heal and grow.

I wish you the best!

Dear question asker,

I would like to offer you a hug from afar. I have taken the time to read your statement carefully.

You have the ability to interact socially in a way that is generally considered appropriate and have formed positive relationships with others.

You also have a clear sense of boundaries and tend to give your friends their personal space. You are very sensitive to other people's feelings and generally have no demands or expectations of them.

You have a normal social function and your own interests.

It seems that you still have certain expectations of your ex-boyfriend, even though you have broken up.

It's understandable that you might not be aware of why you're acting this way. Psychological research suggests that what we may have lacked in our original family environment, we might seek to find externally as adults.

"For example, when we meet, I'll ask him to stay with me a little longer or ask him about his life in a probing way, but I don't feel very happy together, and I even regret wasting this time afterwards." From this, it can be seen that your demands and requests on your ex-boyfriend do not have an emotional component between men and women. Otherwise, you would not say that you did not feel very happy together and that you would regret wasting this time afterwards.

It seems that you no longer feel any romantic feelings for your ex-boyfriend, yet you continue to demand things from him as you always have. This may be related to your longing for your father's love in your original family.

On the one hand, you yearn for your father's affection, yet on the other, you harbor resentment towards him for what you perceive as a negative impact on your life. In contrast, your ex-boyfriend has remained a constant presence in your life, offering support, assistance, and a willingness to listen.

His behavior was a significant factor in the dissolution of your relationship. He provided you with a great deal of protection, and in a way, his behavior allowed you to experience the role of a father in a way that was not entirely conscious.

I have noticed something interesting. It seems that when a child grows up poor and is also a glutton, the first thing they do after getting paid is buy food to treat themselves. It seems that your father is a contradictory figure in your mind. You long to receive his love, but because you cannot receive his love, it hurts you and makes you resentful and want to escape from him.

In a foreign country, the appearance of your ex-boyfriend has caused you, who have not yet fully separated from your original family, to experience a certain degree of confusion about your role. Your feelings towards your ex-boyfriend are complex – you want to maintain a certain distance, but you also want to maintain a connection.

You have now become aware of your feelings, and through the above analysis, you are grappling with the issue of paternal love. The challenge now is to distinguish between the two feelings of love and paternal love, face the impact of this original family, be honest with your ex-boyfriend about your state of mind, and re-examine your relationship and feelings.

I am optimistic that with your awareness, hard work, and the support of your ex-boyfriend, you will gradually recover from the trauma caused by your original family.

I hope you find happiness in your life.

My name is Chu Mingdeng, and I want to express my love for you and the world.

Hello, I'm here to help.

It seems like you're constantly pushing for a total break from your ex, which is making you feel pretty confused and anxious.

Right?

I don't know how old you are. Can you tell me what happened that led to the breakup with your ex-boyfriend?

This analysis is just for reference. It's based on limited data.

First, you haven't really resolved the love-hate relationship with your boyfriend, and this has created a bit of a mental block.

The so-called knot is basically an unfinished event, a repressed and unfulfilled desire in the subconscious.

If you become too dependent on your boyfriend and this dependence makes you involve yourself too much, then your breakup means a

Your breakup means that you've internalized him as an object to compensate for a sense of security.

It can be really traumatic to lose your emotional and security support.

The loss of the "object" and the loss of the "object's" love. This grief complex needs to be mourned and dealt with. If it isn't, it may cause compensation through action.

If you don't deal with it, it might cause you to act out in ways that are compensatory.

Secondly, separation anxiety kicks in.

We don't know what their early childhood experience was like, or if they were in foster care or had multiple changes in their upbringing.

If there's been a growth experience for the nurturer, there's a chance it'll lead to an insecure attachment pattern.

Attachment patterns are mainly divided into four types: secure, ambivalent, anxious, and mixed.

You might be someone who falls into the insecure attachment pattern.

Further explanation: People with an insecure attachment pattern often find it difficult to maintain long-term, stable relationships.

Because they lack internal security, they tend to monitor and control their partners with a suspicious and critical attitude.

Until the other person can't take it anymore and leaves.

But the lover's departure not only confirmed the attachment relationship's initial assumptions about the untrustworthy visitor, but also triggered the

Anxiety about being separated from someone.

The third thing to consider is whether an inability to let go of a relationship is related to a dependent personality.

People with a dependent personality tend to have close relationships with their mothers in their early years. They often don't have clear boundaries with their mothers and are weaned later than most. They also form a communal relationship with their caregivers.

A relationship of communion can trigger fear when mum chooses to leave.

Another thing to think about is if you were subjected to domestic violence, cold violence, or mental control by your father when you were young.

And going abroad can be traumatic.

You might also find that you compensate with your idealised father, who provides a sense of security. When "this father"

Relational support helps us cope with the fear of losing what we value.

It's about providing relationship support to help people feel secure.

What can you do to break the pattern?

First, you need to set some new boundaries for yourself.

There's a concept in psychology called separation and individuation.

The key to whether someone can develop a healthy, independent personality is whether they had a strong, positive relationship with their mother during their early years.

To a very great extent.

Dependent personality is caused by not having had a complete separation. For you, you may need to think about:

What was it like when you lived on your own before you started dating your ex-boyfriend?

How did you manage living abroad? If you've had experience of living alone, can you apply that to your current situation?

Your current situation.

Second, you can gradually detach from your ex-boyfriend through systematic desensitization.

Make a plan to break up with him in a decisive way, and do it over a period of three months or longer.

Gradually end things with your boyfriend and let your ex-boyfriend know you'll stay in touch at set times.

Otherwise, don't answer the phone or other forms of contact like WeChat at other times.

At first, you can handle about five requests a week.

In the second week, you can reduce this to three requests.

In the third week, you can reduce this to twice.

Once a week in the fourth week.

If you feel overwhelmed by anxiety, try doing something you're more interested in.

Finally, say your goodbyes and acknowledge the past, the relationship, and your ex-boyfriend.

It might help to write down what you want to say in words, read it to yourself, and then read it to your ex.

It's time to have a serious mourning ceremony and say goodbye to the past.

Fourth, consider starting a new relationship.

You can only fully move on from a previous relationship when you fall in love with someone else. This can also help you to deal with any emotional trauma you may be experiencing.

It's a good solution, but you need to be careful.

You've got to get over the trauma from your last relationship. If you carry it with you, you'll probably have higher expectations for your new love and partner.

You might even find yourself approaching relationships with caution and defensiveness, which could lead to getting hurt again.

I hope you recover quickly!

I'm counselor Yao, and I'll be here for you as you move forward.

Good day, I'm Wei Zhi Peng from Yixinli. I'm here to share some information about systemic psychotherapy, which is one of the four main schools of modern psychotherapy, along with psychoanalysis, cognitive behavioral therapy, and humanistic therapy. This school primarily offers short-term counseling, typically around 10 sessions.

It may also be helpful to consider that using your ex-boyfriend as a father figure may not align with his typical desire to prioritize his own needs and interests after a breakup. While it's possible that he may not be planning to enter into a new relationship for some time, it seems he is still willing to continue to "take care" of you.

I believe you are fortunate to have this opportunity to allow him to spend more time with you. While it is important to learn to be independent and let go, perhaps this is not the ideal time to do so.

I understand this advice might seem a bit unconventional, so I encourage you to take a look and decide for yourself if it resonates with you.

I would gently suggest that you continue to rely on him, rather than cutting it off completely, because independence can be a challenging journey. I believe that you may benefit from some guidance on your path to independence, as it can be difficult to adapt when you're going it alone.

It is possible to accept his help without spending most of your time dealing with the resentment that can sometimes come with accepting his help. When you have these feelings, it may be helpful to remember that his help could potentially become an obstacle to your becoming "independent."

In the future, when you encounter something and feel the need to rely on someone, you will accept his help. When you want to be independent, you will handle it yourself.

What are your thoughts on this? Do you think that's okay?

Hello!

I have read the questioner's question very carefully, and I can feel the questioner's dependence on her ex-boyfriend. She has the opportunity to learn how to let go and break away from the current situation.

Fortunately, the questioner has realized that this may not be the best idea. Not only does it cause inconvenience for the ex-boyfriend, but it also brings us trouble.

Individual psychologist Adler once said, "All human troubles come from interpersonal relationships."

So the best and most effective way for us to get out of this situation is to sever all ties with the ex! Delete all contact information, don't appear in the same places as him, and if possible, move away from the same city.

Time is a wonderful thing. It's a great healer! We'll gradually find ourselves again as we stop thinking about him, make new friends, and adapt to a new environment.

If we can't do that, then it's time for a reality check! Let's take a good look at the real relationship we had with our ex.

Because in general, it is difficult for couples who have broken up to still be in regular contact. Most breakups are due to irreconcilable conflicts, and seeing the other person can cause a great sense of disgust.

Our relationship with our ex-boyfriend is very unusual, and it's a good thing! It may be normal to be able to contact each other after breaking up, but being able to contact each other often and still be able to ask the other person for things and have them meet our needs is still a relationship.

Have we ever thought that he is single now, and if he gets a girlfriend again? That would be great!

Wouldn't it be amazing if a new girlfriend was generous enough to share a boyfriend with an ex-girlfriend?

I have some doubts about what the original poster said about breaking up with her ex-boyfriend. After breaking up, one party may not be able to let go. Obviously, it is us who cannot let go, but the other party basically meets our requirements, and I can tell that the other party may not be able to let go either. If this is the case, then why don't we choose to get back together?

If we get back together, our problems will be a thing of the past! We'll be a couple without any problems.

I really hope my answer is helpful to the original poster! Thanks so much to everyone for your time. I'm Jiusi, on Yixinli, World and I Love You!

Good day, I have carefully reviewed your inquiry. I commend you for your courage in openly sharing your thoughts. By doing so, you have already taken an important step in identifying and addressing your concerns. Best regards,

From your disclosures, it is evident that your family of origin exerted a significant influence on your mental state, and you experienced domestic violence during your childhood. You perceive a lack of love from your parents and exhibit a strong fear of being unloved. However, as you matured, you endeavored to overcome this psychological impediment. Prior to your relationship with your former partner, you received care, attention, and assistance from him. Consequently, the dissolution of your relationship with him may have been prompted by your desire for a more demanding level of commitment. It is important to recognize that your former partner's feelings for you were genuine. This level of attachment is uncommon among former partners. Despite the passage of over a year since your separation, he has demonstrated a willingness to provide you with patient guidance and support.

However, given the circumstances of the breakup, it is no longer reasonable to expect this level of care from him. It is important to recognize that she is now just a friend, and it is essential to communicate this clearly. He is under no obligation to respond to your requests for a date at any time.

In your confessions, you also stated that you would regret it afterwards, that you would inquire about her life, and request that she stay with you a little longer. You are aware that this is inappropriate, but you lack the courage to confront it. However, you are courageous, just like you can express your inner thoughts here, so I believe you will also be courageous enough to face the reality of the breakup, learn to be independent, and let go, letting others go and also letting yourself go. After letting go, you will feel a lot more relaxed, and only by letting go can you encounter more beauty.

I must ask, why?

Hello, I'm Lily. Let me start by saying that I'm sorry you didn't get enough love in your family.

Your text focuses on two key areas: 1. Your family of origin.

I have also been confused about my family of origin and have asked related questions in the Q&A area. I have received sincere, practical replies from whale friends. If you are interested, you can take a look. As someone who has been there, I can tell you with certainty that your family of origin will indeed affect your various behaviors and habits as an adult. This is evident in the problems you have with your ex-boyfriend this time.

However, as adults, we have the ability to recognize and reduce the negative influence of our original family on us, so as to achieve personal growth and progress. You have already seen some of the influence of your father on you in the text, and you have also found a little connection.

This is good. There is no rush. The problems in your family of origin can be solved slowly.

2. Your relationship with your ex-boyfriend is also the primary reason why you came to the Q&A section this time. You need to understand why you still have so much contact with your ex-boyfriend after you broke up.

You demand things from your ex-boyfriend, and sometimes he complies, and sometimes he rebukes you for crossing the line. This has to do with boundaries.

You take what you want, and you feel sad when you can't. You've also analyzed the relationship with your parents. You didn't get much from them when you were young, so you naturally want to take from those close to you when you grow up.

Let me be clear: what you couldn't get when you were young, you want when you grow up.

As you recognize the problem and gradually reconcile with your family of origin, I am certain you will improve.

I get it. It's been over a year since you broke up, and it still feels like you're connected. It's not complete, and there's still a relationship involved. It's like you can't stop taking from your ex-boyfriend, or maybe you're still very dependent on him.

It's totally normal for two people who are breaking up to maintain their own space and not get too involved in each other's lives. A breakup is a breakup, not a way of playing hard to get in the hope of getting back together. Otherwise, it's not really a breakup at all!

I'm so happy to hear that your ex-partner was there for you during the breakup. It's not something that happens often, so it's really special. What kind of personality would allow this to happen? It's incredible that he even listened to you and helped you. It's like a willing punch and a willing receiver, which is quite unbelievable.

You have your own wonderful friends, and you also care about other people's feelings. It seems like you may have placed all your reliance on your ex-boyfriend by asking to see him again. What is the basis of your desire to spend more time with him? Since you have already broken up, there is not much possibility of becoming friends, is there?

I can see why you might think that becoming friends is a way of preparing for a future reunion. But why did you break up in the first place? And why do you feel like you're crossing some boundaries with your inquisitive questioning? This is his life, not yours. Perhaps in the domestic violence and mental control of the original family, you feel too much cold indifference, which has formed certain traumas. This also needs to be addressed in psychological counseling.

It's possible that you're lacking in love, and your ex-partner is someone who is not easily rejected. I think it would be really helpful for you to take the psychological test for original family wounds and have a one-on-one interpretation. You can also seek professional psychological counseling to get more professional guidance. You can still live independently, so I encourage you to do so!

ZQ?

Greetings!

You have cultivated a network of supportive and fulfilling relationships, demonstrating a capacity for self-determination and consideration for the emotional well-being of others.

Nevertheless, you continue to rely on your former romantic partner and request assistance from him, despite the passage of over a year since your separation.

Indeed, this seems to be a typical case. Firstly, your former partner is content with the arrangement, as evidenced by his acquiescence. Secondly, you possess this intrinsic desire, which may be attributed to the factors you have identified: your upbringing and your relationship with your father. Despite your inclination towards independence, your subconscious may be driven by a need for security and warmth, which were absent during your childhood. Your former partner may have served as a source of such a relationship during that period.

For you, the process of separation may have been challenging. If you are a dependent individual, you are aware of this aspect of your personality and have been attempting to change it in order to become more independent and assertive. However, it is not realistic to completely eliminate the need for internal dependence.

The specific cause of the dissolution of the relationship is unclear. However, it appears that neither party has fully disengaged from the relationship. During interactions, one party may request an extension of the stay with the other or inquire about the latter's life in a probing manner. This behavior extends beyond the boundaries of the current relationship. The other party may perceive this as a form of pressure, particularly if they are obliging to the requests. In such a case, the other party has the option to refuse completely. Therefore, the issue may not be limited to one party's actions but rather reflects a desire for continued intimacy and expression in the relationship.

The current state of affairs may not be the result of actions taken solely by one party, and both parties may potentially benefit from this state of affairs.

It would be prudent to undertake a careful examination of the relationship and one's genuine sentiments. In the event of a definitive decision to terminate the relationship, it would be preferable to do so in a comprehensive manner.

Such a dissolution of the relationship may prove detrimental to future growth and development.

Once you have reflected on the situation, it would be beneficial to communicate with your former partner and reach a consensus on how to improve the quality of your relationship. It is not that you are unable to maintain a friendship with your former partner; however, the nature of this friendship should align with the reality of a genuine separation, rather than the current transgressive state.

Should one wish to do so, a break-up ceremony can be held. It need not be elaborate. One option is to return items that were exchanged between the two parties to each other, thereby establishing a clear boundary in one's heart.

It is important to avoid setting excessively high expectations for oneself. Being overly concerned about the feelings of others can result in a neglect of one's own needs. The initial step in this process is to prioritize self-care. It is essential to maintain a sense of moderation. For instance, being excessively independent or having no expectations or demands on close friends can create a kind of rigid boundary, which can also lead to suppression. If one can identify an outlet for some of their confidences and pressures from other friends, it may help to reduce the demands placed on one's ex-partner.

The process of separation is inherently painful, and the dissolution of an intimate relationship is an even more distressing experience. This is a normal and necessary stage in the grieving process. The assertion that "letting go can be so painful that you can't live" is, in fact, a reflection of an inability to accept the pain associated with the separation. When an individual allows themselves to experience a period of intense distress following the dissolution of a relationship, they may be better equipped to fully detach from the relationship.

One must look forward and look into the distance.

It is only through the proper termination of a relationship that one can embark on a new beginning. Anticipations of the future, a more expansive lifestyle, and a more comprehensive outlook will all facilitate the transition from a relationship that has concluded. One possesses their own interests, their own companions, and a social support structure, all of which will serve as resources in the process of genuinely bidding farewell to the past and moving towards the future.

It is my sincere hope that the response from Hongyu will prove beneficial to you. I am grateful for your inquiry.

Hello, dear child!

I am Yi Ming, a heart exploration coach.

Good for you for being aware of this!

You feel that "there may have been a projection of paternal love onto the ex-husband." I know that I have to learn to be independent and let go, but letting go is painful, and I can't live with it. He will do whatever I ask. I would be happy to go through this with you, and I hope it will be of some small inspiration to you.

1. Sort out your relationship with your parents.

As you said, you experienced domestic violence and mind control in the family of origin. You left home at seventeen with almost no contact with your parents, which indicates that your attachment to them is incomplete or insecure, and even traumatic.

We projected our expectations of our fathers onto our exes.

He knew you sometimes crossed the line, yet he unconsciously cooperated with you and met some of your unreasonable needs.

He took on the role of caring for you and tolerating you, even though that was not his responsibility.

There's no doubt about it: our parents have a huge impact on us in our early years.

We unquestionably project the patterns and deficits we brought with us from our original family into intimate relationships.

Now that we are aware of some issues, we can and will re-establish our relationship with our parents.

As children, we were helpless.

As we grow up, we can and should be our own parents, nurturing the inner child that was once hurt.

We come to understand that our parents are not perfect, and that they may not have received sufficient love from their own parents, which prevents them from giving love to us.

The missing parental love is filled by oneself.

Once you have sorted out your relationship with your parents, your relationship with your ex will change. You will no longer need him to fill the role of a virtual father.

2. Sort out your relationship with yourself.

It is crucial to recognize that our relationship with ourselves is of paramount importance. While we often prioritize our relationships with others, it is essential to ensure that our relationship with ourselves is also nurtured and healthy.

Our relationship with ourselves determines all our external relationships!

You didn't get much emotional support from your parents, so how have you grown over the years?

You said, "I have good friends and things I'm passionate about in my life. I usually give my friends their personal space, I'm very mindful of other people's feelings and basically have no demands or expectations of them (maybe essentially I don't rely on them at all)." Have you ever wondered why you don't rely on them at all?

We can and should rely on our friends to some extent.

Being dependent is not bad.

We can rely on others to a moderate degree and make up for the support we cannot get from others.

This means that we don't place all our intimate relationship needs on our ex.

You need to assess your relationship with yourself.

You need to ask yourself: are you self-supporting, self-motivated, and can you empower yourself?

If we are too independent in front of others, afraid to rely on them, and place our need for intimacy solely on our ex, we will not be able to let go.

Intimacy and independence are topics we will undoubtedly face throughout our lives.

3. Significant Others:

Significant others are people who have a significant influence on a person's psychological and social development.

A person's whole life is influenced by four significant others: parents in early childhood, teachers in childhood, peers in adolescence, and lovers in adulthood.

We are all influenced by significant others.

We've grown up, and we can see the influence and reduce the negative effects.

Your ex-husband is your significant other.

He was a father figure and did everything he could.

We can and should try to see how to take back some of this projection.

He is who he is, and you are who you are. You must maintain emotional independence.

This will take time, of course.

As we become stronger, we no longer need such a person to satisfy us.

Take your time.

This is a path of self-growth, my dear.

Don't blame yourself. You will gradually sort out these important relationships and gain happiness.

You've got this!

1. [Excessive lack of love] It is evident that the subject in question experiences a lack of happiness when in the presence of the object of affection. This sentiment is accompanied by a sense of regret for the time spent together, yet at the time, the subject found themselves compelled to demand a level of intimacy that they felt was lacking. In the absence of this intimacy, the subject experiences a sense of sadness. This phenomenon can be attributed to a deficiency in paternal love, which is associated with a sense of security. The absence of paternal love results in a lack of security. However, it is important to note that the object of affection is not a biological father, and therefore, is not in a position to provide the same level of paternal love that a biological father would. The subject's request for paternal love is therefore misguided, as it is akin to asking for the moon. The object of affection is under no obligation to provide paternal love, and therefore, cannot be held accountable for failing to do so.

One might inquire whether the subject in question truly believes that he does not require the object of his request. Given that the subject is seeking paternal affection, and the object is unable to provide it, it stands to reason that the subject would not request such affection.

The aforementioned behaviors are indicative of a lack of self-awareness and self-control, which are essential for maintaining healthy relationships.

2. Indiscriminate love. Upon meeting, you will request that he remain with you for an extended period or inquire about his life in a probing manner, which also demonstrates your possessiveness and a markedly strong sense of possessiveness. You are unable to forget or discard this behavior even after more than a year. This indicates that you lack numerous things and that these deficiencies are particularly acute, which explains your behavior.

It is precisely because of the severe lack that the demand is so intense and cannot be halted.

3. The reason why "unlimited love" cannot be stopped is that the subject is requesting love without limit, and the object is providing love without limit and consistently responding to the subject's requests. This is evidence of "unlimited love." As long as either party is not cooperating, this behavior of requesting love will cease. It is precisely because both parties are cooperating that this behavior of requesting love cannot be stopped.

4. [Source of suffering] The source of your suffering can be attributed to your demand for love and dependence. It is important to note that while there are many individuals who lack love, not everyone will experience the same concerns and behaviors as you. Many individuals who lack love have become independent and have learned to give love. Once they have resolved their own issue of lacking love, they will not exhibit the same concerns and behaviors as you.