Preparing for a second marriage, I'm going to be a stepfather, and I can't control it directly, it's worrying, what should I do?

Hello, When you're about to start a new marriage, you find that your future stepdaughter has some minor flaws that you find hard to accept. Her personality traits, such as stubbornness, sensitivity, and anger, remind you of your ex-wife, the type of person you would rather avoid. You feel that your child's mother's educational philosophy cannot properly discipline the child, and if you insist on strict discipline, it will cause problems with the child's mother.

It seems like no matter what you do, you can't quite get it right, and it's troubling you.

The last sentence that caught my attention was "What should I do? Am I hopeless?" If you think about it, what feelings does that sentence arouse in you?

Why did you say that instead of something else?

What should I do? Am I in a dilemma? Am I hopeless? Does this mean I'm deeply involved? I'm worried that my fiancée won't be happy if I get involved, but I can't stand to ignore the issue myself.

If you get married, you'll have to deal with children. If you don't get married, you'll miss your fiancée.

What do you understand by "love"? From Fromm: Love is about giving without expecting anything in return. It's about giving and receiving pleasure and satisfaction.

Based on this theory, if we respect each other on this basis, that's what love is all about!

Nobody's perfect. We all have our strengths and weaknesses.

The thing about love is that it doesn't get affected by someone's shortcomings. You love someone for who they are, and their shortcomings are their business. We can like their strengths and respect their weaknesses.

You think your fiancée is very nice, gentle, and well-educated. These are her strengths, and you like them. But what are her weaknesses?

How much of her flaws can you respect? If having different parenting philosophies is seen as a flaw, can you accept and respect it?

The "family order" is basically the order of importance of the members of a family. How do you decide on the order in a new family?

Think about who came first in this family. For example, in a family of three, the husband and wife formed the family first, and then the child was born into it. So, the order of the husband-and-wife relationship is superior to that of the child. In your case, before you got married, your daughter had already formed a relationship with her mother. So, the order of their relationship is superior to that of your relationship with your fiancée.

So, the onus for educating daughters falls more heavily on the mother. You don't have to shoulder that responsibility. When the mother feels respected by you, she may be more open to accepting your opinions.

There are only two types of things in the world: your own affairs and other people's affairs. A lot of human problems come from getting involved in other people's business and wanting to do so.

No two people are exactly alike. When it comes to your daughter's personality being similar to your ex-wife's, take a closer look at how similar they are, how much they have in common, and how different they are.

Every relationship deserves respect, every life deserves to be cherished, and every "Fromm" love deserves to be blessed. When we respect our previous marriage and respect the mother-daughter relationship, we'll be able to embrace the new family that's forming.

Maybe you'll see things differently and so will she.

I hope this one-sided analysis gives you something to think about.

At Yixinli, we love what you do and appreciate your contributions to our company.

Greetings, inquirer. I am Super Sister from Yixinli.

Firstly, I would like to extend my sincerest congratulations to you on having met someone you love and wish to marry. You now have the opportunity to consider a number of different paths.

It is my understanding that six-year-olds who have recently commenced their primary education will gradually begin to establish their own values. The antithesis of obstinacy and sensitivity is perseverance and care. There are numerous approaches and methodologies that can be employed in the upbringing of children.

It is recommended that you read "Reading Your Child's Mind" by Fan Deng. Additionally, you may benefit from learning parenting techniques in collaboration with your child's mother.

If one has been in a relationship and decides to get married, it is reasonable to assume that both parties desire for the other to develop the capacity to love themselves more effectively and to inhabit a domestic environment characterised by love and understanding.

The affection you hold for the mother of your child is predicated on her gentleness; however, you also ascribe to her a lack of strength. It is a fallacy to assume that these two qualities are mutually exclusive. If you value her gentleness, you must also accept her weakness.

It would be beneficial to ascertain whether you and your former spouse have children together. The process of raising children is inherently challenging and necessitates a combination of effective strategies and sound judgment.

Should one wish to resume a relationship with the mother of one's child, it is essential to learn to accept the child's inherent character and that of the mother. It is important to recognize that all choices have their own set of advantages and disadvantages. However, it is crucial to understand that parenting does not entail adopting a negative or hostile approach. Rather, it is contingent upon fostering a positive and constructive parent-child relationship, as most individuals are more likely to heed the advice of those they trust and like.

It is my sincere hope that you will be able to discern your true desires and pursue your happiness with a gentle yet resolute determination.

Hello, my name is Zeyu, and I'm so happy to be here!

Let's start by looking at the situation from the child's perspective. Once we've done that, we can come back to the topic and see if we can find a way to help.

In a reorganized family, the child sees and perceives a different world from that understood by adults. Perhaps in the child's eyes, her mother has taken her to a new family, met a group of new people, and has to call an unfamiliar man "Dad." For a six-year-old, there are too many unfamiliar and even frightening things. It's totally understandable that she would feel uneasy and worry that her mother will suddenly leave her and not want her. This sudden growth is actually the child's way of trying to find a solution to the problem and trying hard to adapt to the new environment and new circle of friends.

The way she's acting now is just her way of letting us know that she wants to be seen, protected, and supported. And we can trust that everything is going to be okay for her in the future. The third way is to try to understand her behavior and find ways to make her feel safe and let her feel our love for her. Now we can try to work with her mom to guide her so that she can feel the love from us and her family.

When it comes to raising children, it's so important to set appropriate boundaries and gradually instill a sense of rules. And we can do this together with our little ones! If possible, we can go to activities together or complete tasks together in the new family with our children and their mothers. These experiences will bring us closer together and give our children the opportunity to understand that we have let our guard down.

And last but not least, we can also broaden our horizons by reading books on family education to brush up on our skills and become even better at handling challenges together!

Good day.

As you prepare for your stepfather-and-i-cant-control-it-directly-its-worrying-what-should-i-do-26014.html" target="_blank">second marriage, I can understand if you feel a little fearful and anxious about married life in this relationship. After all, second marriages can present unique challenges. It's also important to consider married life as a family. Once you get married, you and your spouse will become a family, and as a stepfather, you will also have the opportunity to raise the child.

It may be the case that the behavioural issues that children present are, in fact, a result of their parents' actions, whether these actions are well-intentioned or unintentional.

As you mentioned, it's possible that the fiancée and her mother have always given the daughter what she wants and let her have the upper hand. This could have contributed to her becoming self-centered and prone to tantrums. Additionally, the divorce of her parents may have influenced her personality and made her sensitive.

It might be helpful to remember that when children display such behavior, they are seeking attention and confirming parental love in an aggressive manner. It's possible that they feel loved when they're aggressive with you because they know you won't leave.

Perhaps, at her core, she is still feeling anxious and insecure.

It is worth noting that when Xiaoxue first had a child, she initially struggled to accept her stepmother, Liu Mei. Their relationship was marked by frequent disagreements and emotional outbursts. However, there was a pivotal moment when Xiaoxue was deeply moved by her stepmother's genuine devotion. This experience highlighted the importance of recognizing the love and affection that children can perceive from their parents.

It is important to remember that indulging in her behavior is not love. If you are married, it would be beneficial to let your child feel your respect and encouragement, while also setting out your requirements and regulating her behavior as guardians. If you are parents worthy of her trust and respect, she may be more likely to listen to you.

The child's behavior may evoke memories of past experiences with your ex-wife, which can be challenging to navigate.

Your fiancée is quite different from your ex-wife. She is gentle and well-bred, whereas your ex-wife was somewhat arrogant and domineering.

It could be said that this is a two-sided coin. A gentle person may sometimes appear to be too weak, as we can see now. The daughter she has educated may potentially become too domineering and self-centered as a result of her weakness. Similarly, a domineering person may feel the need to be obedient and submissive in order to win her mother's praise.

I believe that this also applies to intimate relationships. It seems that men and women need to be strong and weak, to advance and retreat. When one partner is strong, the other will be too, and the two may eventually part.

And this kind of strength and weakness can be reversed. Sometimes those who are strong may benefit from leaning on someone, and those who are weak can also stand on their own.

If the mother has custody of the child and you are also raising the child after marriage, it would be beneficial for you to educate the child, but it is also important to recognize that she has her own father, and her father also needs to take responsibility.

It would be beneficial for the fiancée to communicate well with her ex-husband about the child's education.

It is possible that strict demands alone may cause rebellion. It would be beneficial to set a good example. I believe your involvement will bring new changes to this family.

I wish you the best of luck!

Hello, my name is Gu Daoxifeng, and I'm a heart exploration coach.

As a six-year-old, she already has a certain memory. In the child's world, she may resist and reject people like stepfathers and stepmothers. It's totally normal! The child recognizes the world on their own, and they may also feel uneasy when facing new members, including elderly people on both sides, outsiders, etc. The question owner may try to give each other some time to get used to each other.

The questioner said that seeing this child reminds him of his ex-wife. Could it be that he's projecting his memories of his ex-wife onto the child, and thus displaying an attitude that makes the other person resistant?

If you try to look at your child without judging, you might just discover some of her lovable qualities!

It's so hard when parents divorce when the kids are still so young. It can really take a toll on the mom, and she might not have as much energy to take care of the little one. The kiddo might also feel a little insecure, so some of the personality traits that the questioner dislikes might show up. It's so important to try to understand the driving factors behind the kid's behavior, because that'll help the questioner understand the child better.

Children are indeed more sensitive, and it's totally normal for the questioner to notice subtle changes in their child's facial expressions. It's also likely that the questioner can imagine whether they would be able to cooperate when faced with someone they dislike. If the answer is no, it might be helpful for the questioner to try to put themselves in the other person's shoes and adjust their approach.

Rome wasn't built in a day, and people's hearts can be seen over time. It's so true! Habits that have been formed over six years with a child may be difficult to completely overturn just because the questioner has just entered her life. And it's totally understandable! Perhaps she will also feel that after she has a new father, will there be new younger siblings to follow, which will exacerbate the child's resistance to the questioner? It's so hard when things change!

It might take some time, but the questioner can be patient and let their other half into their heart. It's not easy to force things, is it? If the other person is willing to listen to the questioner's discipline, it might not be because of the questioner's new identity.

Even though kids have their little quirks, it's not necessarily a sign that they need to be treated in one of two extreme ways. There are probably plenty of other solutions out there! The best thing to do is to read up on parenting books to gain a better understanding of your child's inner world.

For instance, you might want to check out a book like "Child Psychology."

It's best to avoid labeling each other. When we do, it can easily provoke an emotional response from the other person, which can turn them into a rebellious child and make communication more difficult.

As the old saying goes, "Use gentleness to overcome strength." Not all discipline has to be done in a strict and demanding manner.

Those gentle methods can also be very powerful. Have you ever heard the story of Mencius's mother moving three times because she wanted her son to have the best education? It's a great example of how gentle methods can be very powerful. And there's also the proverb "Water wears away stone," which is another great source of inspiration.

Let's try to praise our little ones more! Kids love to be affirmed, and when we communicate with them in a way that they respond to, we can get twice the result with half the effort.

It's so important to love the person as well as their family. When we like someone and they're also worth our devotion, we're more likely to accept and tolerate the person they love. Looking at the relationship between you and the questioner from a different perspective might help you both to be more gentle.

I'd also like to suggest some books you might find helpful: Positive Discipline and Co-parenting.

Wishing you all the best!

Dear question asker, I am grateful to you for posing this question and for being willing to share your experiences and feelings.

I empathize with your current situation and emotions. It's natural to feel a range of complex emotions about the role change of becoming a stepfather and the challenges that come with it. From your perspective, I would feel similarly. I'd like to try to express your inner voice in a way that resonates with you.

If you're feeling a little lost and uncertain, it's understandable. Becoming a stepfather is a new role and a challenge you may not have anticipated.

Are you wondering if you are up to the task? How can I best balance my expectations with the needs of my child?

Are you feeling uncertain about how to handle a child whose character differs from what you anticipated? Does her strong-willed nature and sensitivity make her seem somewhat distant?

Do you find yourself feeling frustrated and depressed when her behavior conflicts with your expectations?

At the same time, might I inquire as to whether you are also concerned that your strict parenting style might lead to your child resenting you, which could potentially affect your relationship with her? Does this concern make you cautious when parenting your child, for fear of touching her sensitive spots?

Additionally, are you concerned about potential disagreements with your partner regarding your child's education? Do you worry that your stance might disrupt the harmonious atmosphere in the family?

Do you find yourself feeling somewhat constrained in your ability to address your children's issues?

Do you feel isolated and unsure of how to proceed when facing these challenges? Would it be helpful to have someone to talk to who can offer guidance and support?

Perhaps you feel the need to talk to someone, to find some comfort?

I appreciate that becoming a stepfather is not an easy task. It is not just a matter of dealing with the child's education, but also with the emotional integration with your partner and child.

I believe this is a process that requires patience, understanding, and love.

It is possible that, at times, you may feel tired, anxious, or even doubt yourself. However, it is important to believe that your efforts and dedication are worthwhile.

You are helping to create a strong foundation for your child's future development.

It is also important to remember to take care of your own emotions and needs. Being a good stepfather does not mean that you should sacrifice your own happiness and health.

It might be helpful to try to find some time to relax and do things that make you happy. This could help you to face the challenges of your family in a more positive state of mind.

I appreciate your concerns, frustration, and feelings of helplessness. These are understandable emotions that can arise when trying to accept a new family member and navigate the role of a stepfather. You are investing a great deal of effort to adapt to your new environment and foster a positive relationship with your child.

Have you ever felt that your efforts haven't been fully reciprocated? Have you ever wished your child could understand you better and realize that your strictness and expectations come from a place of love?

Do you sometimes feel a little adrift, as though there is a gap between your expectations and the reality of the situation?

Becoming a stepfather may be a brand new and even unfamiliar role for you. It's natural to feel a bit lost at first, trying to find your place and your own position in this new family.

Could I ask whether you find this process full of uncertainty and challenges?

At the same time, when facing a child with a unique personality and her own thoughts and feelings, are you trying to understand her and enter her inner world? Would it be helpful to try to be more patient and attentive?

I understand that in the process, you may feel a little overwhelmed and even doubt whether you are up to the role. I just wanted to say that as long as you treat the child with all your heart and love, you will become an indispensable presence in her life.

Additionally, might I inquire as to whether you are experiencing some degree of uncertainty regarding the differences in your educational philosophies with your partner? Are you seeking a balance that respects your partner's ideas while also adhering to your own principles?

I understand that this process of seeking balance may sometimes feel challenging.

Becoming a stepfather is not only a test of your parenting ability, but also a challenge to your emotional endurance. In the process, you may experience various complex emotional changes, but I hope you will believe that these experiences will make you stronger and more mature.

Finally, I would like to suggest that becoming a stepfather is a journey that presents both challenges and rewards. It is likely that you will encounter difficulties and setbacks along the way, but you can also look forward to receiving a great deal of warmth and inspiration.

I encourage you to believe in your abilities and value, and to face future challenges with courage. I believe that your dedication and hard work will surely pay off, and that you will become an excellent stepfather.

I wish you the best, and I love you!

Hello, question asker. My name is Evan, and I'm a counselor at Jingliu School.

From the questioner's description, I can sense a certain sense of helplessness and frustration. When faced with a child in the growth period, the questioner expressed concern that the child may be self-centered and prone to anger, which could potentially lead to challenges in their upbringing.

From the text, it seems that the questioner may be experiencing some challenges in navigating relationships with individuals who possess similar personalities. It's possible that the questioner is uncertain about how to interact with such individuals or may perceive their personalities as being negative. This could lead to feelings of discomfort, prompting the questioner to seek a change in the situation. It's also understandable that the questioner may have ideas about how to influence his stepdaughter's behavior.

I believe the key is for the questioner to recognize that when these emotions arise, it's important to consider how the questioner perceives these emotions within himself. If the questioner is unable to navigate these emotions effectively, it may lead to transferring those emotions to his family. Children are growing and evolving, and it's essential to recognize that their future is not yet defined. By consistently defining their future, we are, in a sense, reinforcing the definition that the questioner imposes on the child. This allows the child to grow in a way that aligns with the questioner's expectations, ultimately proving the validity of those expectations.

In order to get along with the child, it would be helpful to consider their needs and expectations, as well as our own thoughts and behaviors that might be affecting the child in the process of raising them. The process of raising a child can be seen as a process of allowing oneself to be raised again. It might be beneficial for the questioner to become more aware of their own inner needs and expectations in this process.

As the question was posed on an online forum, we are unable to provide a comprehensive response. However, we can offer some straightforward guidance on how to foster a positive relationship with your child.

It would be beneficial to focus on building trust and a relationship.

It would be beneficial for the questioner to try to establish a trusting and friendly relationship with his stepdaughter. If she has developed some bad habits because of the way she was raised by her loved one, and the questioner is reluctant to establish a relationship with her, this could potentially have a negative impact on the child.

It is not uncommon for children to be defensive towards new family members. It may be helpful to allow them to feel your love and support, rather than rushing to correct them.

It would be beneficial to gain an understanding of the child's character and upbringing.

It may be helpful to consider the reasons for the formation of your child's personality, which could potentially relate to her upbringing and family education.

It is important to respect your child's individuality while also guiding them to recognize their own shortcomings.

It would be beneficial to communicate deeply with your partner about your educational philosophies.

It would be beneficial to express your honest concerns about your child's character and behavior, as well as your expectations for future educational methods.

It might be helpful to try to work out a suitable education plan together, including rules of conduct, a reward and punishment system, etc.

It might be helpful to involve your child in the rule-making process, so that she feels that she also has a say and responsibility.

It would be beneficial to maintain consistency when educating children. This could be achieved by ensuring that all family members, including the grandmother, are in agreement.

It would be beneficial to participate in your child's education in a gentle but firm manner.

When educating children, parents should maintain a gentle but firm attitude, so that children know which behaviors are acceptable and which are not. It is natural for children to resist during this process, but if parents can remain firm in their views and communicate their ideas with their children, I believe children will gradually come to accept them.

You might consider using positive incentives such as praise and rewards to encourage your child to correct bad habits.

It may be helpful to hold regular family meetings, where family members can share their feelings, discuss problems, and work together to find solutions.

It might be helpful to seek professional assistance.

Should the questioner feel that they are unable to effectively address the child's behavioral issues, they may wish to consider seeking the guidance of a child psychologist or educational consultant.

They may be able to provide more professional advice and methods to help the questioner and his partner guide their child better.

It would be beneficial to remain patient and confident.

Child development is a long-term process that requires patience and confidence.

It is important to persevere, even in the face of temporary difficulties. Having faith in your own abilities and in your partner's ability to provide guidance is crucial.

It would be beneficial to communicate with your child more often to gain a deeper understanding of her thoughts and needs. At the same time, it is important to teach her to listen to other people's opinions.

Child development is a lengthy process that requires patience and understanding. It is important for both the questioner and their partner to be prepared for the challenges that may arise along the way.

It is important to maintain a good relationship with your partner.

It would be beneficial to maintain open communication and understanding with your partner when addressing your child's issues.

It is important to try to avoid letting your relationship be affected by your child's problems. Instead, you should face difficulties together and grow together.

It might be helpful for the questioner to consider that the relationship between the questioner and their partner is an important one within the family, perhaps even more so than the relationship between the questioner and the child.

Every child is unique and cannot be expected to fit a mold. It is important for the questioner and their loved one to provide an education that is tailored to the needs of the child. The questioner has a partner who loves them and a child who will soon become a member of their family.

I believe that through joint efforts and understanding, you will be able to find an education method that suits your child and allows her to grow up healthily.

It is my sincere hope that my answer will prove helpful to the questioner.

I would like to respectfully suggest some related book recommendations.

We are more than just relatives.

This book suggests that, in family education, it may be helpful to consider being both a parent and a friend to your children. It offers guidance on how to build a stronger connection through interactions in the role of a friend, which could potentially enhance your ability to guide your children.

I would like to suggest that we consider the approach of Positive Discipline.

The author, Jane Nelson, is an American educational psychologist and educator with a doctorate in education. The core idea of this book is to provide a parenting style that neither punishes nor indulges children. It aims to cultivate children's self-discipline, sense of responsibility, cooperation, and social skills through a kind but firm approach to education.

How might we encourage our children to listen, and what can we do when they do listen?

This is a well-known guide to communication between parents and children, written by Adele Faber and Elaine Mazlish. It offers helpful tools and strategies for fostering better communication between parents and children.

36 Ways to Get Your Child into a Top School

In this book, Dr. Chen Meiling thoughtfully combines insights from psychology and education to offer guidance on parenting. While the book is particularly relevant for biological parents, it also has valuable insights for stepparents.

I would like to suggest that we consider "A Guide to Home Education."

This book by Li Xigui offers families a variety of practical strategies and methods for family education. While it is primarily geared towards traditional families, some of the principles and techniques may also be relevant for you as a prospective stepfather.

Emotional Intelligence and Character Development

This book by Daniel Goleman offers a comprehensive guide to emotional intelligence and character development. It highlights the value of emotional intelligence and provides practical suggestions for helping children understand and manage emotions, as well as build positive relationships.

"Consider ways to become an attractive child."

In this book, Alfie Kuz offers insights into ways to foster your child's confidence and optimism. While the book primarily addresses the child's inner growth, it is also valuable for parents to understand how to nurture their child's positive character.