Should you tell your daughter-in-law about something she can't help with? Or should you just take it on yourself?

I recommend that you candidly discuss the matter with your daughter-in-law. Trust is a crucial element in any relationship. While there may be some disagreements, open communication at this stage can foster mutual trust, facilitate future interactions, and enhance the relationship's stability and understanding.

American psychologist Stenberg, who proposed the theory of love, believes that love consists of three basic components: passion, intimacy, and commitment. Passion is the sexual component of love and is emotional fascination; intimacy refers to the warm experience that can be aroused in a loving relationship; and commitment refers to the decision to maintain the relationship or guarantee.

In light of the aforementioned considerations, it is recommended that the fundamental ingredient of commitment be discussed openly with the daughter-in-law, so that she is fully informed. While this may lead to some degree of contention, it can also serve to reinforce the relationship between the two parties.

If love is a feeling, it is susceptible to challenges. This is because it is relatively easy to find this feeling in different people. The most common excuse for infidelity is that I no longer feel it. However, true love is not a feeling. It is more of a responsibility, a mutual sacrifice and mutual achievement. True love is not a moment of inspiration, but a long-term commitment, mutual sacrifice, mutual achievement, and mutual respect.

You believe you are considering her interests, but have you considered that your actions may eventually be revealed? She may then experience not only the difficulties of life, but also the consequences of your deception. However, difficulties can also facilitate the development of a relationship based on trust, mutual respect, and shared success.

When challenges arise, it is crucial to remain resilient and persevere. This is an opportunity to assess the strength of the relationship between the two parties. By working collaboratively, the relationship can be strengthened, and both parties can provide mutual support.

Dear Questioner,

The question thus arises as to whether it would be advisable to inform your daughter-in-law of matters that fall outside the scope of her abilities.

You have indicated that your family is experiencing financial difficulties and have expressed reservations about disclosing this information to your daughter-in-law.

There are two reasons for not disclosing this information to her:

She is a full-time housewife and therefore unable to provide financial assistance.

Furthermore, she has a limited capacity to cope with stress. If you disclose this information to her, it may exacerbate her stress levels and potentially lead to increased conflict.

The question thus arises as to whether it would be preferable to bear the burden alone and conceal it from her.

First, the two considerations mentioned above are reasonable to a certain extent.

The question thus arises as to whether, in the absence of disclosure, the financial crisis will be discerned by the daughter-in-law herself.

If the financial crisis is not disclosed to her, will she be able to discern it on her own?

As indicated in the description, the mortgage cannot be paid off at the present time, necessitating the acquisition of a loan to address the immediate difficulties. However, there is currently no optimal solution, and it is necessary to await the sale of another property two years later to resolve the issue.

It is important to consider whether you will continue to bear this pressure and distress for at least two years. It is also essential to evaluate the potential impact of your state and the family's financial situation on the lives of your family. Even if she is a full-time housewife, it is crucial to assess whether she will be able to recognize the problem. If she does notice it and discovers that you have been concealing information from her, it is vital to anticipate whether this could lead to further conflicts or a crisis of trust.

This may also be a situation that warrants consideration.

As previously stated, she is unable to provide assistance. However, there are numerous avenues through which she can offer support.

Such assistance could take the form of financial aid or emotional or psychological support.

It is unclear whether she is able to assist with alleviating your financial difficulties, and it is uncertain whether you have attempted to discuss this possibility with her.

Conversely, if the situation is explained to her in an honest manner, it is possible that she will become more understanding and caring towards the individual in question, due to their willingness to shoulder additional responsibilities. This could potentially lead to an increase in emotional and mental support being provided.

If feasible, this represents a significant potential source of support and assistance.

The intimate relationship between a husband and wife is closely linked in numerous ways, both emotionally and otherwise.

There are objective realities, as well as subjective feelings.

Such discord may also be indicative of the degree of care and affection you hold for your family and daughter-in-law.

It is my sincere hope that you will be able to navigate this challenging period successfully.

In addition, it is worth noting that the aforementioned conflict may also be a reflection of the care and love you have for your family and daughter-in-law.

I am an individual who provides responses to queries and is dedicated to assisting you.

I extend my sincerest regards to you and your loved ones.

Hello!

You're right to be concerned. Online lending can be risky, and your wife, as a full-time housewife, can only give you very limited financial support. It might be too much for her to handle. Worrying about it could make married life depressing and increase daily arguments.

I can see why you're worried. It would be really tough to carry that burden alone, especially if you're keeping it from your wife. If you wait until the house is sold to tell her, how will you be able to live a happy, relaxed life for the next two years?

I truly believe that your wife will be able to sense your emotional changes and know that you are troubled! She may ask you about it, make tentative guesses, and you will always give evasive or prevaricating answers. Your wife may believe you at the time, but I'm sure she'll feel differently when the truth is revealed.

You might want to tell her everything that happened, even if it leads to a period of quarrels. But after the quarrels, your hearts will be relaxed and honest, and you'll know that there's someone who's rooting for you and wants to share your burden. You'll face this difficulty together. At this time, you may be able to focus on dealing with the external loan problem, and your wife may be able to provide you with unexpected material and spiritual support!

Maybe you'll feel a bit ashamed of your dad's broken promise, a little regret, and you'll want to apologize for your decision at the time. It can feel like you have no face to let your wife bear such pressure with you. But she is, after all, your wife, and no matter what happens, you'll stay together and support each other. Trust your wife and believe in yourself. When you've made it through this difficult time together, your relationship will become even stronger and more solid. You'll have a deeper understanding and be more in tune with each other.

This is a family matter, and of course it should be resolved through consultation among family members. What do you think? I'd love to hear your thoughts on this!

Hello, question owner!

From what you've told me, I can see you're feeling a bit confused. It's great that you're able to spot problems and come up with solutions though!

You told me that your father owed a lot of money and that you used your house as collateral to repay the debt. It was originally agreed that your father would repay the debt, but he hasn't done so, so now you have to repay it all. You're also worried that if you can't repay it, you'll have to take out a loan. You and your wife's house can't be sold for two years. You're wondering whether you should tell your wife. You feel that a full-time wife actually has less stress tolerance. He knows that your father can't repay the loan, but you're a little hesitant about repaying the loan and the need to sell your house in the future. You're not sure whether to tell him this.

I totally get where you're coming from. It's clear you care about your wife and want the best for her. It's natural to be worried about her being able to handle the pressure and having negative emotions as a result. But have you thought about how she'll react if she knows what kind of mood you're in later? If you tell her in advance and she's like this and this, you need to be confident in your decision and choose the option that'll be best for your relationship as a couple.

First, after reading your description, I feel that you are also very filial and responsible. When your father was unable to have a child, you did not run away, but bravely took care of it for him. You might even feel that it is not enough, and you need to borrow money or sell your house.

Secondly, after reading your description, I can tell you really care about your wife. Even though she has a lot of power, you respect her opinions. You're worried she might not be able to handle it and it'll stress her out. You're afraid she'll be unhappy. Is that right?

But, you know, sometimes a well-intentioned lie can also hurt. It can sometimes deepen misunderstandings and backfire.

I think most people feel this way. It's like my relationship with my mother. Sometimes I don't tell him things for his own good, but when he finds out, he gets really angry. He feels like he's being cheated on. If you think about it from his perspective, what would you want him to do if your wife did something like that? What kind of choice would you want him to make? I really hope this helps!

I know you're a great husband and son. I understand you want to handle this on your own, but I really think you should talk to your loved one more. It'll make your life happier and easier, and it'll help you relax and avoid any future misunderstandings. Men and women think differently, so men tend to be more straightforward, while women care more about how men treat them. You're doing a great job, but you can always do more to show your loved one you care.

I just want to say that this is not just about you, but also about your lovely family. We all have limits, and trying to do everything on your own will only put a lot of pressure on you, and also have an impact on your family over time. I suggest communicating more, trusting your wife, and taking responsibility for your choices. Sometimes the more you avoid something, the more out of control it gets. It's better to try the things you're afraid of, even if it's scary. You've got this!

Hello!

From your description, I totally understand your current situation!

Absolutely! You need to tell your wife as soon as possible.

In your description, your father owed more than just money. He was supposed to repay it, but now you are repaying it! For some reason, the possibility of you repaying the debt has now been terminated, and your wife is also aware of the mortgage.

There's a fascinating hypothetical misunderstanding here. Originally, your father was going to repay the loan, but now you're repaying it alone. Does your wife know?

Hypothesis 1: Not knowing

If your wife doesn't know that you are making prepayments, and if you don't tell her and wait until things get serious, the impact on her will be huge! From your description, your daughter-in-law is a full-time wife who is not resistant to pressure.

But you should face the truth! You think your current behavior is a form of protection, but it's not much different from inflicting harm in disguise. If you calculate based on a maximum of two years, the changes during this period are also unpredictable, and your concealment is like paper wrapped in fire.

Here's another way of looking at it. If your wife hides this from you and you find out unintentionally, you'll definitely be suspicious!

And this suspicion will ignite a spark, uncovering all the negative things that have happened in the past, big and small. Even if you and your wife are rational and you don't dwell on the past, a rift has already formed.

So, what's the plan? How can you continue living together like this, keeping a close eye on each other?

Hypothesis 2: Knowing (clearly aware of your current stress and the above assumptions)

If your wife knows about your actions, as you assume, then you should definitely tell her! This is a kind of spirit of sharing weal and woe. Since she already knows the situation and is still maintaining the family, what you are doing now is unilateral deception. Just like the appeal, there will be a gap, and this gap is even more serious. This is essentially a lack of trust in your wife, and to put it more broadly, it is a lack of respect for each other in this marriage.

As the old saying goes, "Husband and wife are birds in the same forest, and when disaster strikes, they fly away separately." At present, your wife, on the basis of knowing about this matter, has not shown any intention of flying away separately – but who knows what the future holds?

And your actions will cause her to fly in that direction!

Hypothesis 3: Knowing (knowing your current situation, pretending not to)

If your wife knows what you are doing but pretends that she knows nothing, you should be really happy that you have such a great wife! She is the best and most representative woman, one in a hundred. Her actions and her ability to protect her husband's face have maintained the family relationship, which is fantastic!

It is not an exaggeration to say that she is an absolutely amazing helpmate! With such a fantastic wife, do you think it is right for you to use deception to maintain this marriage?

And if it's the third one, then your wife is actually pretty great!

I'm thrilled to offer my personal advice!

1. Confession and honesty may seem like just one character difference, but the consequences can be very different. So it is recommended to be honest with each other—it's the best way to go!

2. For the loan alone, find a professional financial planner to evaluate your father's finances and develop a corresponding repayment mechanism. Whoever is at fault should be ready to take responsibility!

(Filial piety must still be fulfilled. After all, your father is your father, and it is necessary to give him some care when he implements his financial plan. However, you cannot bear the responsibility entirely. You must also consider your wife and children. The child is assumed to be the unit.)

)

3. For the behavior you are considering, such as not paying back, there must be a mechanism to end it. This behavior touches the law, so find the right way to deal with it. Here, it is recommended to consult a professional legal advisor. Fortunately, there are plenty of great options out there for you to choose from!

We're so excited to share this content with you! It's just a reference, though.

Hello! I'm Strawberry!

The questioner's father made a mistake in thinking he could handle everything on his own. Unfortunately, he was unable to pay a large sum of money he owed, and this debt fell to the questioner, who had to bear and assume it. It can be said that such a father is negligent and selfish. But the good news is that the questioner is his child and has the obligation to support him. The even better news is that he can learn from this mistake and grow as a person.

A husband and wife are one!

From the questioner's confession, it's clear that he's a very careful person. He's carrying such a large debt, but he's still considering telling his wife. He knows it would cause her stress, and he's choosing to bear the pressure himself.

Even though she's a full-time wife and has poor stress tolerance, the question asker is married to her. So, it's important to be open and honest with her. After all, husbands and wives are one! Regardless of other factors, she is the question asker's wife and is part of the family. She has the right to know what is going on in the family.

The questioner is not considering whether or not to tell her, but how to tell her so that she can be more receptive to the situation and understand the pressure and burden the questioner is carrying, so that they can face it together. The good news is that although she cannot help the questioner financially, at least she can manage the household well and not add more trouble to the questioner.

? Communicate and negotiate!

Even though his father is his father, he still has the chance to face the mistakes he has made. The questioner can discuss with his father and help him, but he himself also has the opportunity to take some of the responsibility, and not put all the pressure on himself.

Some people may say that if the father can be so irresponsible, why should the son, as the questioner, care about him? Sometimes, when we are considering something, it is not solved simply by ignoring it with a few words. But there is a way to avoid more trouble! We can face it directly.

My father is a man of plans! He was able to borrow the money, which is proof of that. In addition to helping him, I also need to supervise him and let him face his responsibilities and life's challenges.

Face and solve problems together!

The questioner said that his wife was aware that her father had a mortgage. She was a housewife but still had a good grasp on the family's finances. The questioner mentioned that arguments would arise between husband and wife. Sometimes, what you thought was good for her wasn't what she wanted, which caused conflicts.

☀️ Mutual dependence: The fact that two people can come together and become husband and wife is also a kind of fate. And isn't it wonderful that we get to create our own destiny together? The wife may be responsible for the home, but it is precisely because she is responsible for everything in the home that the husband can rest assured and earn money to support the family.

A harmonious family atmosphere can be achieved by a good partnership, with the couple paying more attention to communication and discussing things together. The man is the pillar of the family, and it's so important for him to express his stress and vulnerability to his wife. When he does, she will be more tolerant, understanding, and appreciative, and they can rely on each other.

☀️ Mutual respect: The question asker doesn't want to tell his wife because he is afraid that it will cause conflict by increasing her stress. However, the question asker is not the wife, and he doesn't know what she wants. Honesty is a kind of respect. She has her own choice. When the question asker respects his wife enough, his wife will also respect the question asker. Respect is mutual.

I really hope my answer is helpful to the questioner! Best wishes!

Hello! I just wanted to give you a big, warm hug!

I can see how this might be tricky. My advice would be to let your daughter-in-law know if there's anything she can't help with. It's important to be open and honest with her, even if your intentions are good. If you don't let her know, she might feel like you're not on the same page.

It's often said that a husband and wife are one, that they're inseparable, that they're as one in weal and woe. But if you don't let her know about something so important, she'll feel like an outsider.

Picture this: You and your wife go to the supermarket and buy a lot of things. Your wife decides to carry everything by herself, grunting and groaning a bit along the way. She takes a break every once in a while, but she refuses to let you help her carry even though you keep saying, "Give me a hand, I'll carry them," and even though you reach up to grab them, your wife still won't let you. She says, "I can carry them."

I'd love to know how you'd feel in this situation. If you think my wife is being overly kind and just worried about me getting tired, then I completely understand if you want to forget what I said.

If you feel aggrieved, angry, or even furious, and think that she would rather suffer on her own than let you help, and that you are still husband and wife, and that your wife has put me in what position, and that she doesn't need me for this little thing, then it might be worth asking yourself whether she'll need you for anything else either.

Just for a moment, put yourself in your daughter-in-law's shoes. Imagine if your daughter-in-law was afraid to tell you something for fear of worrying you or putting you under pressure. Would you be grateful or angry?

When two people get married and start a family, it's like they start a company together. It's so important for both partners to be aware of the company's financial situation, and neither should do anything that could easily endanger the family without the other's knowledge. I'm sure you'd want to know if your partner made important decisions behind your back, too!

I think it would be really helpful for you to explain the situation to your daughter-in-law. It would be great if you could let her know that you are one, and that she understands the situation of the family. Otherwise, she might not understand the financial situation of the family and live according to her perception of it.

For instance, if she wants to buy a bag, she might think that it won't affect the family's financial situation if she buys it. But if she later finds out that you were actually under a lot of pressure at the time and that buying the bag would affect the family's financial situation, she might feel bad about buying the bag.

What would you like her to think?

It can be tricky knowing how to tell your daughter-in-law, but you'll get there!

If you tell her, she'll be really stressed out. She's a full-time housewife and doesn't handle pressure well. Telling her will only make things worse and lead to more arguments.

It's so important to know how to say it!

You can go over what's going on right now, why it's gotten to this point, how you plan to handle things, what you need from her, and why you need to tell her.

It's totally understandable to feel like you need to keep your daughter-in-law in the dark about the ins and outs of the situation. But, there's another way to look at it. By being open and honest with her about what she may have to face, you're not just helping yourself out of a tricky spot. You're also strengthening your relationship. She'll feel like she's not an outsider, but a part of the team. She's not a burden, but a partner who can help.

It's a good idea to first draft a plan, including when to say it, what words to use, how she will react, how you will respond to her questions and concerns, etc. When talking about it, it's important to be honest and calm. Your daughter-in-law may be dissatisfied, angry, or say things that are disrespectful to your father, but it's essential to remain calm. Emphasize your starting point, because you are family.

At the same time, it's really important to be honest and calm when talking about it. Your daughter-in-law might be feeling dissatisfied or angry, and she might say things that are disrespectful to your father. It's so important to remain calm in these situations. Try to emphasise your starting point, because you are a family.

Of course, if you feel that you can't handle it, you can also choose not to tell your daughter-in-law. There's no pressure! You can procrastinate or find another way to pay it back as soon as possible, such as finding a part-time job, to minimize the impact of this event on the family.

Ultimately, I believe this decision depends more on personal relationships and less on skills. You can weigh up the consequences of speaking up and the consequences of keeping quiet, and choose the one you can better handle.

You can also chat with a counselor if you'd like.

I'm a counselor who is often Buddhist and sometimes pessimistic, but I try to be positive and motivated as much as I can! I love the world and I love you!

Greetings! I am Xin Tan, and I am here to support you as Coach Fei Yun. I hope that 2023 will be a happy year for you.

You are currently facing a number of challenges, including the pressure of paying off your father's debts and the difficult decision of whether to be honest with your partner. Let's discuss these issues together.

?1. Seeing you also means seeing your partner.

She was able to perceive your filial piety, kindness, and thoughtful consideration, while the price you paid was the pressure you bore alone, both financially and mentally.

It would be remiss of me not to point out that your father is in debt, and that your small family is already struggling financially. I appreciate that you have taken out a loan, but I wonder if it might be a good idea to consider the risks involved.

You have a good understanding of your own feelings and how you cope with pressure. You also know your partner well and are concerned that she may not handle pressure as well as you do and that finding out about it might lead to arguments.

Perhaps it would be helpful to consider that all of this is based on past experience, just as you also made a judgmental error about your father, and you also have a perceptual bias about your own ability to bear things. Could there also be a possibility of errors in your perception and understanding of your partner?

It seems that the greater pressure and risk you face at the moment comes from online lending, which is an external risk. Communication between husband and wife is an internal family issue.

It would seem that the partner was aware of the father's financial situation and was able to anticipate the outcome without objecting. This suggests that they are capable of distinguishing right from wrong.

Naturally, her subsequent response to this information is something you can only assess and evaluate. My aim is simply to highlight that a couple who are in sync are capable of withstanding challenges. When confronted with a family financial predicament, the only individuals who can provide assistance are your own family members (if your father is unable to offer support, it would seem that your partner is the next best option).

It may be helpful to consider which factors are of greater importance when facing internal and external conflicts and contradictions, in order to make the most appropriate choices and actions.

2. It might be helpful to try a different approach to communication in order to reach a consensus.

As a couple, you both value respect and trust. It seems that you are concerned that she may become even more worried once she knows everything, but this is only a feeling you have.

Perhaps the best way to find out what the other person really cares about is to actually do something (and explain it to them).

Even if she is unable to provide a solution, her willingness to listen is a gesture of support and understanding. By sharing your concerns with her, you can avoid keeping secrets from her, which might otherwise add to your stress.

Even if you manage to find a solution on your own, it's likely that she will eventually become aware of it. As a woman, she will likely consider not only whether the problem has been solved, but also where she stands in your relationship.

Your initial intention is commendable. You don't want her to worry, but what the other person may value more is your trust in her. And the "right to know" is a manifestation of respect and trust.

As for how to tell her, that's just a matter of communication methods and skills. It would be best to express your love and concern for her, and try to inform her. Even if there is a misunderstanding, it would be helpful to try not to get emotional as much as possible, because your goal is the same: you both hope to quickly solve the problem and return to your normal lives. You just have different methods.

It would be beneficial to trust each other and yourselves. You are close partners who not only share and create together, but also share the burden.

I hope the above is helpful to you. With love and best wishes,

If you would like to continue our dialogue, you are welcome to click on the "Find a coach" link, which you will find in the upper right corner or at the bottom of the page. I would be delighted to communicate and grow with you one-on-one.