The boyfriend's father is preventing his son from becoming independent and does not want to accept this unreasonable accusation. How should he deal with it?

Hello! Thank you so much for trusting me and inviting me to answer your question. Before we get to that, if you don't mind, I'd love to give you a big hug. I'm here to support you in any way I can!

From what you've told me, it seems like you and your boyfriend have been through a lot together. It's clear that he's been struggling with some issues, like a lack of self-confidence and assertiveness. It's understandable that this has caused some challenges in your relationship. It's also sad to hear that he felt constrained by his family's expectations. It's natural to feel protective of your partner when they're facing difficulties. It's understandable that you're upset when you're blamed for something you didn't do. It's important to remember that you're both working through these issues together. Communication is key, and I'm here to support you both.

If things change in this way, then perhaps his growth will be influenced by you a little. At the same time, what is more important is that he himself is willing to and acts to make efforts for such growth in order to achieve real growth. It's not really fair for his family to blame you for this, because "external factors can only work through internal factors."

If your boyfriend knows whether his changes and growth are active or passive, you may not have to worry too much about that. But it's really important to communicate well with each other. It's totally normal to worry that one day you won't be able to go on, or that maybe one day he will choose the easier path. It's also normal to complain about taking the more difficult path. But you can work through these things together.

Because, in the future, you'll be facing life's challenges together and working through problems as a team. This is really important for making your relationship stronger.

I just wanted to share my thoughts with you, but please don't take them as the final word on the matter. Take care of yourself, my dear! ?

Hello, question asker. I admire your self-awareness and willingness to explore! If you have a background in psychology, have you noticed that the pattern of your interactions resembles the psychological drama triangle?

Are you playing the role of victim, persecutor, or savior?

It seems like you're getting too caught up in the situation. You're like Rapunzel, waiting for someone to come along and save her from the tower. But the problem is that when you get involved, you have to fight the person who's persecuting her, and they'll fight back. When there's a power imbalance, new victims and persecutors will emerge. So, would you want your boyfriend to step up and be the hero?

[No one can wake up someone who is pretending to sleep.

Growing up is also something you have to do on your own. You can only be there for him, encourage him, and listen to him, but you can't do his growing up for him. If you successfully rescue him, but he still hasn't woken up from the game of "congenital gender dysphoria" and transfers his dependence on his parents to you, will there be another rescuer who intervenes in your relationship? There is a common saying in Shanghai: what you grow up with is called ambition, and what others teach you is called cunning.

Ultimately, it's up to you. Would you be willing to accept him, even if he's a person with "homosexuality from childhood" and has such a family?

I'm Zhang Huili, a psychological counselor. I've grown on the Yi Xinli platform, and I'd love for you to join us! Let's use psychology to change the world.

It is important to remember that you do not have to accept such accusations or attributions. Everyone has the right to make their own choices, and these choices will likely align with what they believe is the right direction, regardless of external influences.

You and his father both have your own ideas and inclinations. It's likely that he has weighed up the different ideas and compared them, and that for him there may be other considerations, such as his relationship with you, his own development, and so on, before making a choice.

It's important to remember that you don't need to feel burdened. Even if there is a reason for you, it is still his demand and choice. Consciously or unconsciously, the self is always the self's position and choice. Even if various seemingly external influences are actually the self's demands and positions, it is natural for the self to face any consequences afterwards.

He will come to understand that every choice opens up a multitude of possibilities, some of which may be beneficial and others not so much. It is unproductive and immature to dwell on past events or to dwell on the past in general, because it is not possible to change what has already happened.

It is, of course, impossible to guarantee future changes, but that is simply another choice decision in that moment.

The same can be said for you. It is not necessary to feel that his father's ideas are incorrect or controlling; they are simply different. Ultimately, you both love him, and there is no conflict.

The difference is that he is the one making the choice about his own life path, and he is the one choosing and bearing the consequences. While there is no need for you to be persuasive, it is important to respect his choice. You may find it helpful to explain your thoughts.

After all, it is in both your and his father's best interests for you to be able to stand your ground. If you feel that your boyfriend could benefit from having a stronger sense of self, this is a good opportunity to offer him some guidance.

I hope you find happiness.

Good morning.

Show your support and encouragement to the questioner who has the courage to face challenges and mature. Love is not separate from life; it should also be able to navigate real-world issues. Life requires taking responsibility for oneself.

*Role confusion

Every parent naturally desires their child to be happy, but it's important to recognize that happiness can manifest in different ways. From a parenting perspective, there are two main types: the competent type and the stable type.

It is often the case that parents who are most common types are stable, have a certain degree of financial security, and rely on a stable income from work. They tend to uphold practicality and diligence, so it is understandable that the way they give their children happiness is to take fewer risks. Seeking safety is often seen as a happy and fulfilling life.

On the other hand, capable parents have gained valuable experience through hard work. They understand that in order to pursue more distant goals, risks and opportunities coexist. However, they will not immediately enter the risk domain, but will also do the most practical work of gathering information, finding the right position, and then appropriately expanding the risk area within their tolerance. When this experience has accumulated to a certain level, it will be condensed into life wisdom. They will pass on their valuable experience and strength to their children to help them achieve their ideals. This is the happy life they feel, that is, self-realization of value.

This is how the difference between secure and capable parents is distinguished. Both want the best for their children and want them to be happy. However, due to their different perceptions, they pay different amounts of attention to their children and teach them to perceive the world differently.

It is important to recognize that parents can be divided into two distinct categories. During the process of raising and teaching children, they may face challenges related to control and excessive indulgence, influenced by their varying levels of security and strength. However, it is clear that parents have a profound impact on their children. They serve as their children's first teachers, imparting knowledge and guidance through their words and actions in daily interactions. For a child to truly flourish independently from the influence of their parents, it is essential for them to understand the importance of making independent choices in life. Achieving financial independence is a crucial step towards greater independence in life.

In the case of the questioner's boyfriend, being arranged for since childhood may mean being deprived of the ability to make independent choices and not having been given a sense of sufficient trust. He may not have had the opportunity to experience the outcome of making an internal choice, nor may he have had the chance to understand his own feelings, whether they are normal, and whether they can be accepted. There is no way of knowing, so when faced with the self that has never made decisions independently and is now actually faced with the right to choose, he may feel a range of emotions, including panic, confusion, and unease.

However, regardless of how mature he may be, the person who will marry and start a family in the future still has a responsibility to grow up. He needs to take the first step towards growth, which is to make independent choices and decisions and take responsibility for them. Only when he truly feels the position of his role and the responsibility on his shoulders can he transform into a mature adult.

It is important to provide objective advice as a reference point, rather than as a definitive solution.

The questioner is an autonomous, independent person with a strong sense of independence, which is a valuable quality. In contrast, the questioner's thinking is faster, and her boyfriend may have a hard time keeping up, because he has just learned to walk independently and may need more supportive strength from his partner to stimulate his inner strength. However, it's important to remember that you shouldn't make decisions for your boyfriend. Just like a baby who has just learned to crawl, it will be easy to walk crookedly when trying to walk, but with enough encouragement, it will always be able to walk independently and steadily.

It is perhaps difficult for someone who has never had ice cream to fully appreciate its delicious taste. The boyfriend is like this, and his parents may not yet be aware of the impact that ice cream will have on their lives. They may initially perceive it as a luxury wish. However, fear and terror cannot change its inherent meaning. If the boyfriend also longs to change himself and hopes to rely on his own strength to get his own ice cream, he may benefit from cultivating his core abilities, daring to compete, daring to take risks, and, more importantly, learning to take care of the feelings of the people around him, giving his parents peace of mind, giving his future wife peace of mind, and giving himself confidence.

I wish you the best of luck and hope you continue to do well! ?

Greetings, question asker. My name is Jiang 61.

First and foremost, we extend our gratitude to you for placing your trust in us and for being forthcoming about your concerns, which we are honored to address. You have posed a question pertaining to identity. You have stated, "My boyfriend's father is impeding his son's journey towards independence and is reluctant to acknowledge the legitimacy of this unwarranted accusation."

You experience a range of negative emotions in response to your boyfriend's father's accusations, including feelings of injustice, distress, anger, and resentment. I offer you a supportive embrace, indicating my understanding of your thoughts and feelings.

You indicate that you have difficulty accepting your boyfriend. You may have numerous reasons for this.

The lack of understanding between the two parties can be attributed to differences in personality, attachment, and family values. What is the recommended course of action in this situation?

It is recommended that the matter be discussed together.

1. Background

1⃣️ Traditional Concept

You state that your boyfriend's father desires for his son to adhere to the trajectory he has established and remain in his proximity. This path was largely constructed through the efforts of preceding generations of fathers, including the accumulation of savings over an extended period and the purchase of real estate.

Furthermore, he is attempting to secure employment for his son, even if the available positions are of inferior quality and do not align with the potential of the younger generation.

The individual in question exhibits a high degree of compliance and conformity.

It is evident that your boyfriend's family adheres to traditional educational values. They espouse the belief that obedience is the sole acceptable mode of conduct, and that any deviation from this is tantamount to treason.

The father's role at this juncture is that of a superior, leader, conductor, and ruler. The boyfriend's role is that of an employee, one who follows orders, a humble person, and one who is inferior.

The future decision-maker

From the perspective of the boyfriend's father, the child's fate is entirely within his control. His opinion on the child's character, future prospects, and ability to perform well in any given situation carries significant weight.

The act of arranging a child's work can be seen as an act of responsibility towards that child.

The giant baby

From the perspective of her boyfriend's parents, her boyfriend is perceived as lacking in independent thought, perception, and conduct. He is regarded as a dependent individual who has been brought up under strict control and with excessive protection. Consequently, he is unable to exercise autonomy in determining his own life path and future.

Secondly, there is a preference for sameness.

In other words, the father's objective is to facilitate the son's "early identity closure," which entails the consolidation of his identity, his cognitive processes, and his material foundation.

Despite the fact that our thinking is no longer aligned with the contemporary era, we can nevertheless provide the material foundation through our own abilities.

The premature closure of identity formation

I concur with your assessment. My boyfriend was raised by his father and is unaware of my identity, my background, and most crucially, my aspirations. His self-identification and self-identity were prematurely stifled under the influence of his parents' beliefs and expectations.

? Moral blackmail

The reason why my boyfriend's father is able to frequently issue directives to my boyfriend and act like a patriarch is that, when my boyfriend was developing his sense of identity, he was not permitted to fully comprehend himself and express his authentic self, and he was not afforded the opportunity to object. Moreover, in his traditional moral values, there is a deeply entrenched notion in his mind: to object is to rebel and deviate from the norm, which is morally unacceptable.

As a result, a situation of willing listening and willing management was established within the family.

3⃣, Character determines

As he matured, he increasingly exhibited rebellious tendencies against the constraints imposed by his family. His father, however, retained sufficient influence to prevent him from fully establishing an independent identity.

He is experiencing a state of internal conflict.

It appears that your boyfriend is unable to achieve self-identity, is not well-received by others, and is also experiencing significant discomfort and distress. He is experiencing a great deal of internal conflict and turmoil.

Personality traits are the primary determinant of human behavior.

This behavior exhibited by the boyfriend, which is characterized by talkativeness without the ability to act, can be attributed to both his upbringing within the family unit and his inherent personality traits. He places a high value on familial affection and the maintenance of strong family relationships, yet he displays a lack of assertiveness in his actions. It can be postulated that he possesses a personality type that is both calm and pleasing, indicating a tendency to accept circumstances without much resistance.

Those with a calm personality tend to

The individual in question exhibits the following characteristics: slow and deliberate, cautious, gentle and stable, and seeking harmony.

The individual in question displays the following strengths: they are relatively easy to get along with, adaptable, thoughtful, and tolerant.

The disadvantages of this personality type include a tendency towards lethargy, a lack of remorse, a reluctance to express one's own thoughts and feelings, and a tendency to be indifferent to the opinions of others.

Individuals with a "pleasing" personality

From the aforementioned behaviors exhibited by your boyfriend, it can be inferred that he may be a "pleaser" who lacks a clear sense of identity and principles.

The characteristics of the "pleasing type" include a tendency to focus intently on the circumstances of others, a proclivity to disregard their own feelings and thoughts, a tendency to present themselves in a favorable light, and a willingness to suppress their own needs in order to satisfy the needs of others. The "pleasing type" tends to neglect their own needs and possesses a relatively low sense of internal value.

Individuals with a "pleasing" personality type are prone to experiencing physical and mental exhaustion. They tend to prioritize the needs and expectations of others, while neglecting their own needs and feelings. This can result in feelings of inadequacy and a sense of being insignificant in relationships. They may desire to decline certain requests or express their emotions, but often feel constrained from doing so due to fear of offending others.

2. The pain you experience

You posit that your own unhappiness is likely attributable to your boyfriend's lack of a robust sense of self and resolve. You express concern that you may eventually be unable to persevere, that he may ultimately opt for the more expedient route, or that he may voice discontent with the more arduous path you have chosen together.

1. Differences in Perception

You are an individual with a strong sense of identity and a tendency toward independence. Consequently, you hope that your partner will also be independent and able to develop his own sense of identity.

However, your boyfriend is aware that he is constrained by long-term educational concepts and conscious indoctrination, which prevent him from being independent. This lack of autonomy may lead him to feel insecure about his future, particularly if he perceives it to be limited by the expectations of his family.

This engenders feelings of insecurity and concern.

2. Causes of anxiety

Premature Separation Anxiety

There is a concern that the prospective partner may opt to adhere to the expectations of their parents and pursue a more comfortable lifestyle, potentially leading to a separation. Alternatively, there is a worry that the future may be fraught with challenges, to the extent that it becomes unbearable, prompting a negative evaluation of the current situation.

From your perspective, you lack confidence and certainty in the relationship. His indecisiveness causes you distress about the prospect of separation. This anxiety also has its roots in your upbringing within the family unit. You were separated from your parents at an early age and have experienced feelings of insecurity as a result.

Consequently, there is a concern that a similar situation may occur in the future.

An attachment relationship

It can be observed that the attachment relationship in question exhibits characteristics associated with an anxious attachment style.

Individuals with an anxious attachment style tend to invest a significant amount of emotional energy into their relationships. However, they often encounter resistance from their partners, who may not desire the level of closeness that the anxious individual desires. This lack of intimacy can give rise to feelings of unease and, in some cases, even the perception that the other person does not value them as much as they value them.

Those with anxious attachment styles are typically hypervigilant in intimate relationships, ruminating on the other person's actions and behaviors, and experiencing a pervasive sense of insecurity and fear of abandonment. This often manifests as excessive clinginess, which can give the impression of stalking behavior.

3⃣️, The family of the boyfriend does not comprehend

You assert that your boyfriend has undergone a degree of transformation, and his family attributes this change to your influence, perceiving it as a deterioration in his sensitivity. You express your disquiet at this unwarranted accusation and your indignation at the implication that you are responsible for this shift in his character.

Furthermore, your boyfriend's family is unaware of their own shortcomings, and their baseless accusations evoke feelings of anger and distress. You believe that allowing your boyfriend to be himself is the optimal course of action for his well-being.

This is why you wish to express your opinion. However, at the same time, your attachment relationship also makes you want your boyfriend to be independent, to give you more love, to feel close and secure. However, his family does not understand that this is normal love and feels that you are stealing his love from them.

As a result, integration into this family is perceived as being either unfeasible or undesirable.

3. Recommendations for Action

1. Self-identity acquisition

One must reorganize.

The objective is to gain a deeper understanding of oneself and enhance one's self-awareness. This process is not about imposing specific actions upon one's partner but rather about clarifying the dynamics of the relationship and establishing a more harmonious connection.

The process of acquiring self-identity

The process of sorting out is designed to facilitate the improvement of self-consistency. Through this process, individuals integrate their awareness of their current self-status, physical self, social expectations, group identity, experiences, future hopes, and other dimensions into a comprehensive, harmonious, and consistent structure, thereby fostering new personality development and achieving a state of social maturity and self-affirmation.

Concurrently, it is also progressing in a desired direction.

A reflective examination of one's past, present, and future reveals not only personal changes and growth but also the difficulties and challenges that one encounters. This process prompts a reevaluation of one's self-worth and outlook on life, a reorientation of one's goals and direction, and a commitment to continued learning and growth.

This process also marks the beginning of the reclaiming of one's identity.

Secondly, the process of confidence building is initiated.

Erikson defines identity as a sense of familiarity with oneself, a sense of knowing how one will live one's life, and an inner confidence that stems from trusted individuals offering the anticipated approval.

If a boyfriend is unable to achieve a complete sense of self-identity, it is often because he has not received the expected recognition from a trusted individual, which subsequently leads to a lack of confidence in himself.

It is imperative to provide him with the requisite support and assistance.

It is important to provide support in developing independent thinking, empathy for feelings, and timely encouragement. Additionally, it is crucial to demonstrate care for expectations, foster the nurturing of ideas, assist in transforming ideas into actions, fulfill wishes, and acknowledge results.

This will provide him with the requisite expectation.

It is essential to cultivate self-confidence.

The aforementioned series of behaviors can facilitate the transition from mere thought to tangible action, thereby enabling the achievement of desired outcomes and the reinforcement of self-efficacy. Simultaneously, the individual in question can experience the gratification associated with success, recognize their capabilities, exercise sound judgment, and assert control over their future. Additionally, they may receive approval from those in their immediate circle, cultivate self-assurance, and develop a sense of identity.

3⃣ Secure Attachment

In order to foster a more stable and secure attachment with your boyfriend, it is essential to undergo a personal transformation, becoming a secure attachment type person.

It is essential to trust oneself and one's partner.

One can improve their daily experience by cultivating self-belief, regardless of the presence or absence of one's romantic partner. Concurrently, it is beneficial to extend trust to one's partner and provide them with mental support.

It is important to be alone and relaxed.

A secure attachment type is characterized by the ability to remain unaffected by the emotional states of others while simultaneously perceiving their actions in a favorable manner. This disposition fosters a sense of tranquility and ease, both within the context of relationships and in one's solitary pursuits.

A conscious alteration of one's attachment type can serve to mitigate one's partner's anxiety and foster a sense of security.

Furthermore, his family will also alter their perception of you.

This is the extent of my assistance. I hope it proves somewhat beneficial.

Ultimately, I extend my best wishes to the original poster for a happy life.